[Music]
so we all have that person in our lives
who seems to be connected to everyone
here that person with the perfect
elevator pitch that person who knows how
to work a room that that person who
keeps winning friends and influencing
people that that person who never eats
alone that person who’s the
quintessential networker don’t you just
hate them I mean you don’t you don’t
hate them outright but you probably hate
that somehow networking and making
connections it seems so easy to them and
every time you try you just feel like
that sleazy weirdo pushing business
cards in everyone’s hand or you make a
conscious effort to go to that
networking event and then you end up
standing in the corner of the room next
to someone you already knew trying to
figure out how long you have to stay and
and how to leave without being noticed
I’m right there with you most of us are
and we know that networking and
professional connections are hugely
important to our careers in our lives
in one study executives who were taught
to see what sociologists call social
capital this is the value in an existing
network and the potential value in new
network connections the executives who
were trained to see social capital were
more likely to get promotions more
likely to get raises they had more
fulfilling careers overall and we know
that companies whose employees are rich
in social capital dramatically
outperform their competitors but working
makes us feel awkward in one study
participants were asked about a time
where they had to reach out and make a
new professional connection and the
participants who had do that were more
likely to experience subconscious
thoughts of getting clean so translate
networking makes us feel dirty so how do
we reconcile these two ideas we know we
need a robust network but we know we
feel really awkward every time we try
well the good news is that the same
studies that demonstrate the power of a
social network also offer a totally
different and refreshing way to look at
it
in fact they suggest that we need to
redefine networking networking is not
really something you do a networks not
something you have it’s not about
meeting strangers fact the best
definition is probably that it’s about
understanding the network that’s already
around you and acting accordingly I mean
I like to think of it as it’s about
knowing who’s a friend and who’s a
friend of a friend and when you adopt
that mentality and you look at the
research you’re left with three
implications that almost anyone can do
hopefully without feeling awkward the
first is that contrary to popular belief
some of the biggest wins the the
low-hanging fruit in networking if you
will comes not from meeting total
strangers but actually from reaching out
to old friends sociologists call these
weak ties or dormant ties and dormant
ties are those friends that you used to
be close with but for whatever reason
you don’t talk to as much anymore and
because those people are in different
social circles now or different
industries sometimes different
geographies they provide the same new
information and new opportunities then
total strangers would but it’s easier to
build rapport with them because they’re
well they’re not strangers they’re
literally your friends you just haven’t
talked to them in a while one of my
favorite examples of dormant ties
unlocking a powerful connection is the
story of Dana White and Lorenzo Fertitta
you might recognize those names those
are two of the three former owners of
the Ultimate Fighting Championship which
was just sold for four billion dollars
I’m paying attention the story goes that
Dana and Lorenzo were highschool
acquaintances they went to high school
together until well until Tina got
kicked out which is the ultimate way to
become a doormat I and about ten years
later the two reconnected at a high
school friend’s wedding they found out
that they shared a mutual love of
prizefighting Dana was managing a few
early UFC fighters Lorenzo was working
in his family’s casino business and
serving on the boxing commission and
they reconnected over the shared love of
prizefighting and they did what most of
us probably do when we mean an old
friend we go well that was great
should do it again sometime soon but
unlike us they actually did a couple
weeks later Dana found out that the
original owners of the UFC were losing
money and we’re looking to get rid of
the franchise so he calls his new old
friend Lorenzo he says hey I think that
UFC is for sale and I think you should
buy it and they do and they kept it at
10% which is awesome and the combination
of Dana’s knowledge of the sport
Lorenzo’s connections with the Athletic
Commission makes for a powerful
connection that would have never
happened had two friends not reconnected
at a high school wedding now I know what
you’re thinking if your takeaway is go
to more high school weddings and
reunions that doesn’t solve the
awkwardness problem so try this make a
list of four or five people you haven’t
talked to in a while scroll all the way
down to the bottom of your friend lists
on Facebook and reach back out to those
people you don’t have to have an agenda
in fact that’s what makes it awkward
just reach out and see where the
conversation goes you’d be amazed but
there are times where you have to step
well you have to step outside of your
circle and when you do the best way to
do that it’s actually to go through your
circle when you have to meet new
connections the best way to do it is
through friends of friends maybe you’ve
heard the term six degrees of separation
or maybe you played the game six degrees
of Kevin Bacon the truth is in study
after study almost the entire world
really is connected by five or six
introductions and the majority of your
professional world is probably connected
by one or two so when you need to meet a
new person start asking current friends
who do you know in blank with blank
being whatever industry or region or
sector that you’re trying to meet new
people in and then ask for the
introduction go through the friend of a
friend you would be amazed at the
breadth of the network just one degree
of separation out from you that breadth
certainly surprised Michelle McKenna
Doyle when she was looking for a new job
the Michelle group in the south all of
her brothers played football they were a
football family her father actually
believed that one day one of his kids
would make it into the NFL and Michelle
took a little bit different path she
shouldn’t play football
studied accounting do you actually
transition mid-career to IT eventually
she became the chief information officer
of companies like Walt Disney World and
Universal Studios and one day she found
herself on the NFL website she was
checking her fantasy football league
she Scrolls down notices in the career
tab that there’s a job that sounds an
awful lot like her but it wasn’t listed
as CIO and she had no connections to the
NFL so she started feeling out her
network through friends she found at
dormant tie an old colleague who worked
with her two prior company and now
worked in an executive search firm but
that firm wasn’t handling the search but
he knew who was who makes the
introduction so if you’re keeping track
we’ve got one weak tie and one
introduction and now Michelle is
interviewing in front of the executives
at the NFL she’s convincing them that
they need a CIO and she’s convincing
them that it needs to be her she gets
the offer she accepts the job and on the
day she starts she becomes the highest
level female executive in the NFL ever
up to that point and her father finally
gets to see one of his kids make it in
the NFL there are those times where you
meet random strangers and when you do
the research suggests that maybe you
should try a little different tactic
than that that question we all love so
what do you do instead ask about hobbies
ask about passions find shared non-work
interests the research suggests that the
more and more diverse ways that we
connect with another person the deeper
the relationship that we build faster
it’s not really a work friends versus
real friends thing we’re all just
friends
so find a non-work reason to connect one
of my favorite examples of this is a
friend and fellow writer john levy and
john is known for throwing some of the
most amazing dinner parties with some of
the world’s most influential people and
the reason they’re so effective is that
when guests arrive John asks them to
refrain from saying their name and
occupation pairs two people together and
then he assigns them tasks and so now
you have two strangers they can’t use
the usual script and
learn they have to cook their own dinner
and they have to find non work reasons
to get to know each other and as a
result when the dinner is over they
leave better connected to each other and
to their hosts and what started is a
simple dinner among a few strangers has
compounded over the years to where John
is entertaining best-selling authors
award-winning musicians Nobel Prize
laureates one time even royalty and to
say that this has had a positive effect
on John’s careers like the
understatement of the day but it’s also
provided some amazing opportunities for
adventure and for deep close
relationships ok I know what you might
be thinking I don’t know how to host a
dinner party for royalty
I don’t either and that high school
weddings thing still makes me feel
awkward I’ve skipped every one of my
high school reunions but when we look at
the research and when we redefine
networking these three ideas are
something that we can make our own
without feeling all that awkward
reconnect with our old friends turn work
friends into real friends and connect
through friends of friends but there’s a
deeper reason for taking a science
approach to networking and that’s that
your network has a massive effect on you
and maybe you’ve heard the the phrase
show me your friends and I’ll show you
your future you probably haven’t heard
it since you were a teenager because we
usually tell it to teenagers to get them
to stop hanging out with that scruffy
kid from down the street but the truth
is your friends affect you more than you
know and so do their friends about ten
years ago to researchers Nicholas
Christakis and James Fowler conducted
one of the largest social network
studies ever they used Hale health data
from the Framingham Heart Study which
was the largest and longest-running
health study ever and they found well
they they found that your friends make
you fat
they found out that if you have obese
friends you are more likely yourself to
be obese so your friends make you fat
but so do their friends and so do their
friends friends they found that your
friend of a friend of a friend even if
you’ve never met them has a
statistically significant influence on
your weight and the truth is we don’t
know why we don’t know why it’s so
strong three degrees of influence out
but that hasn’t stopped Christakis and
fowler from looking conducted similar
studies one of smoking rates and found a
same level of influence three degrees of
separation out and then the most
fascinating study was of happiness the
two found out that your friends your
friends make you happy I mean it’s no
surprise right if you have a bunch of
friends who are happy with their life
you are more likely to be happy with
yours but so do their friends again so
do their friends friends if your friend
of a friend of a friend is happy with
her life then you have a 6 percent
greater likelihood of being happy with
yours alright
6% big deal right but consider that if I
gave you a $10,000 raise that would only
increase your happiness 2% so your
friend of a friend of a friend even if
you’ve never met has a greater influence
on your life happiness then your salary
that is perhaps why this is so important
that’s why we need this approach to
networking that’s why we need to
redefine it not as meeting total
strangers at cocktail parties but as
knowing who’s a friend and who’s a
friend of a friend because it’s about
more than just getting promoted more
it’s about more than just making more
money it’s about how happy you are with
your life I mean it really is show me
your friends and I’ll show you your
future but it’s also show me your friend
of a friend and I’ll show you your
future thank you all so much for having
[Applause]
so we all have that person in our lives
who seems to be connected to everyone
here that person with the perfect
elevator pitch that person who knows how
to work a room that that person who
keeps winning friends and influencing
people that that person who never eats
alone that person who’s the
quintessential networker don’t you just
hate them I mean you don’t you don’t
hate them outright but you probably hate
that somehow networking and making
connections it seems so easy to them and
every time you try you just feel like
that sleazy weirdo pushing business
cards in everyone’s hand or you make a
conscious effort to go to that
networking event and then you end up
standing in the corner of the room next
to someone you already knew trying to
figure out how long you have to stay and
and how to leave without being noticed
I’m right there with you most of us are
and we know that networking and
professional connections are hugely
important to our careers in our lives
in one study executives who were taught
to see what sociologists call social
capital this is the value in an existing
network and the potential value in new
network connections the executives who
were trained to see social capital were
more likely to get promotions more
likely to get raises they had more
fulfilling careers overall and we know
that companies whose employees are rich
in social capital dramatically
outperform their competitors but working
makes us feel awkward in one study
participants were asked about a time
where they had to reach out and make a
new professional connection and the
participants who had do that were more
likely to experience subconscious
thoughts of getting clean so translate
networking makes us feel dirty so how do
we reconcile these two ideas we know we
need a robust network but we know we
feel really awkward every time we try
well the good news is that the same
studies that demonstrate the power of a
social network also offer a totally
different and refreshing way to look at
it
in fact they suggest that we need to
redefine networking networking is not
really something you do a networks not
something you have it’s not about
meeting strangers fact the best
definition is probably that it’s about
understanding the network that’s already
around you and acting accordingly I mean
I like to think of it as it’s about
knowing who’s a friend and who’s a
friend of a friend and when you adopt
that mentality and you look at the
research you’re left with three
implications that almost anyone can do
hopefully without feeling awkward the
first is that contrary to popular belief
some of the biggest wins the the
low-hanging fruit in networking if you
will comes not from meeting total
strangers but actually from reaching out
to old friends sociologists call these
weak ties or dormant ties and dormant
ties are those friends that you used to
be close with but for whatever reason
you don’t talk to as much anymore and
because those people are in different
social circles now or different
industries sometimes different
geographies they provide the same new
information and new opportunities then
total strangers would but it’s easier to
build rapport with them because they’re
well they’re not strangers they’re
literally your friends you just haven’t
talked to them in a while one of my
favorite examples of dormant ties
unlocking a powerful connection is the
story of Dana White and Lorenzo Fertitta
you might recognize those names those
are two of the three former owners of
the Ultimate Fighting Championship which
was just sold for four billion dollars
I’m paying attention the story goes that
Dana and Lorenzo were highschool
acquaintances they went to high school
together until well until Tina got
kicked out which is the ultimate way to
become a doormat I and about ten years
later the two reconnected at a high
school friend’s wedding they found out
that they shared a mutual love of
prizefighting Dana was managing a few
early UFC fighters Lorenzo was working
in his family’s casino business and
serving on the boxing commission and
they reconnected over the shared love of
prizefighting and they did what most of
us probably do when we mean an old
friend we go well that was great
should do it again sometime soon but
unlike us they actually did a couple
weeks later Dana found out that the
original owners of the UFC were losing
money and we’re looking to get rid of
the franchise so he calls his new old
friend Lorenzo he says hey I think that
UFC is for sale and I think you should
buy it and they do and they kept it at
10% which is awesome and the combination
of Dana’s knowledge of the sport
Lorenzo’s connections with the Athletic
Commission makes for a powerful
connection that would have never
happened had two friends not reconnected
at a high school wedding now I know what
you’re thinking if your takeaway is go
to more high school weddings and
reunions that doesn’t solve the
awkwardness problem so try this make a
list of four or five people you haven’t
talked to in a while scroll all the way
down to the bottom of your friend lists
on Facebook and reach back out to those
people you don’t have to have an agenda
in fact that’s what makes it awkward
just reach out and see where the
conversation goes you’d be amazed but
there are times where you have to step
well you have to step outside of your
circle and when you do the best way to
do that it’s actually to go through your
circle when you have to meet new
connections the best way to do it is
through friends of friends maybe you’ve
heard the term six degrees of separation
or maybe you played the game six degrees
of Kevin Bacon the truth is in study
after study almost the entire world
really is connected by five or six
introductions and the majority of your
professional world is probably connected
by one or two so when you need to meet a
new person start asking current friends
who do you know in blank with blank
being whatever industry or region or
sector that you’re trying to meet new
people in and then ask for the
introduction go through the friend of a
friend you would be amazed at the
breadth of the network just one degree
of separation out from you that breadth
certainly surprised Michelle McKenna
Doyle when she was looking for a new job
the Michelle group in the south all of
her brothers played football they were a
football family her father actually
believed that one day one of his kids
would make it into the NFL and Michelle
took a little bit different path she
shouldn’t play football
studied accounting do you actually
transition mid-career to IT eventually
she became the chief information officer
of companies like Walt Disney World and
Universal Studios and one day she found
herself on the NFL website she was
checking her fantasy football league
she Scrolls down notices in the career
tab that there’s a job that sounds an
awful lot like her but it wasn’t listed
as CIO and she had no connections to the
NFL so she started feeling out her
network through friends she found at
dormant tie an old colleague who worked
with her two prior company and now
worked in an executive search firm but
that firm wasn’t handling the search but
he knew who was who makes the
introduction so if you’re keeping track
we’ve got one weak tie and one
introduction and now Michelle is
interviewing in front of the executives
at the NFL she’s convincing them that
they need a CIO and she’s convincing
them that it needs to be her she gets
the offer she accepts the job and on the
day she starts she becomes the highest
level female executive in the NFL ever
up to that point and her father finally
gets to see one of his kids make it in
the NFL there are those times where you
meet random strangers and when you do
the research suggests that maybe you
should try a little different tactic
than that that question we all love so
what do you do instead ask about hobbies
ask about passions find shared non-work
interests the research suggests that the
more and more diverse ways that we
connect with another person the deeper
the relationship that we build faster
it’s not really a work friends versus
real friends thing we’re all just
friends
so find a non-work reason to connect one
of my favorite examples of this is a
friend and fellow writer john levy and
john is known for throwing some of the
most amazing dinner parties with some of
the world’s most influential people and
the reason they’re so effective is that
when guests arrive John asks them to
refrain from saying their name and
occupation pairs two people together and
then he assigns them tasks and so now
you have two strangers they can’t use
the usual script and
learn they have to cook their own dinner
and they have to find non work reasons
to get to know each other and as a
result when the dinner is over they
leave better connected to each other and
to their hosts and what started is a
simple dinner among a few strangers has
compounded over the years to where John
is entertaining best-selling authors
award-winning musicians Nobel Prize
laureates one time even royalty and to
say that this has had a positive effect
on John’s careers like the
understatement of the day but it’s also
provided some amazing opportunities for
adventure and for deep close
relationships ok I know what you might
be thinking I don’t know how to host a
dinner party for royalty
I don’t either and that high school
weddings thing still makes me feel
awkward I’ve skipped every one of my
high school reunions but when we look at
the research and when we redefine
networking these three ideas are
something that we can make our own
without feeling all that awkward
reconnect with our old friends turn work
friends into real friends and connect
through friends of friends but there’s a
deeper reason for taking a science
approach to networking and that’s that
your network has a massive effect on you
and maybe you’ve heard the the phrase
show me your friends and I’ll show you
your future you probably haven’t heard
it since you were a teenager because we
usually tell it to teenagers to get them
to stop hanging out with that scruffy
kid from down the street but the truth
is your friends affect you more than you
know and so do their friends about ten
years ago to researchers Nicholas
Christakis and James Fowler conducted
one of the largest social network
studies ever they used Hale health data
from the Framingham Heart Study which
was the largest and longest-running
health study ever and they found well
they they found that your friends make
you fat
they found out that if you have obese
friends you are more likely yourself to
be obese so your friends make you fat
but so do their friends and so do their
friends friends they found that your
friend of a friend of a friend even if
you’ve never met them has a
statistically significant influence on
your weight and the truth is we don’t
know why we don’t know why it’s so
strong three degrees of influence out
but that hasn’t stopped Christakis and
fowler from looking conducted similar
studies one of smoking rates and found a
same level of influence three degrees of
separation out and then the most
fascinating study was of happiness the
two found out that your friends your
friends make you happy I mean it’s no
surprise right if you have a bunch of
friends who are happy with their life
you are more likely to be happy with
yours but so do their friends again so
do their friends friends if your friend
of a friend of a friend is happy with
her life then you have a 6 percent
greater likelihood of being happy with
yours alright
6% big deal right but consider that if I
gave you a $10,000 raise that would only
increase your happiness 2% so your
friend of a friend of a friend even if
you’ve never met has a greater influence
on your life happiness then your salary
that is perhaps why this is so important
that’s why we need this approach to
networking that’s why we need to
redefine it not as meeting total
strangers at cocktail parties but as
knowing who’s a friend and who’s a
friend of a friend because it’s about
more than just getting promoted more
it’s about more than just making more
money it’s about how happy you are with
your life I mean it really is show me
your friends and I’ll show you your
future but it’s also show me your friend
of a friend and I’ll show you your
future thank you all so much for having
[Applause]
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