pose to ask you a question is the world
a violent place what would you say would
you say yes most definitely or would you
say I’m not sure or would you say no
although there are violent people and
violent episodes by and large the world
is not a violent place if you answered
yes or unsure I’m hoping that I can help
you frame that point of view and if you
answered no I’m hoping that I can help
you reconsider that point of view
dr. Marshall Rosenberg a world-renowned
who was a world renowned expert on
violence and conflict and also the
founder of a model called non-violent
communication was no one to have said
that if violence is defined as the
ability to harm than most definitely the
way we communicate is violent
so if violence is defined as the ability
to harm which it is then the way we
dialogue the way we communicate the
words we use are violent so what I want
to do with you today is I want to talk
to you about the essence and cause of
that violence as well as a solution out
of that violence and in order to do that
I want to take you on a journey on a
journey to the savannahs of Africa where
we find roaming one of the most majestic
creatures known to humans
this creature is loved by millions yes
I’m talking about the giraffe did you
know that the giraffe has the largest
heart of all mammals in fact it can grow
up to 24 inches or 60 centimeters in
length and of course this is to get all
that blood from its body up to the top
of that long neck but you know what we
say about people with big hearts right
they’re compassionate they’re loving and
they’re conflict-free giraffes have big
hearts
this image of conflict-free is further
reinforced by the fact that giraffes do
not have top front
Keith they cannot use their mouths to
bite or protect themselves and they also
have these tissue e bumps on the top of
their head that we call horns there are
nothing more than bumps of tissue that
are there to protect their skull they’re
not used for aggression so you may be
saying well how is that conflict-free
that’s being a pushover that’s being a
wimp that’s just capitulating that’s
just doing what everyone else wants you
to do don’t kid yourself
the giraffe boasts one of the most
fierce predators in the world the lion
one kick delivered from a giraffe to a
threatening lion is enough to maim or
kill the lion giraffes are compassionate
but they have very clear boundaries and
that brings me to the heart of my talk
the most amazing thing about a giraffe
is their favorite food comes from the
leaves of the Acacia tree now there’s a
hitch the acacia tree has as many thorns
as it does leaves and these thorns are
eight to ten centimetres long and they
are razor sharp and sometimes however
this does not deter the giraffe who will
simply wrap its long black tongue around
the branch and strip all the leaves from
between the thorns and sometimes a thorn
will enter the giraffes food sometimes
the giraffe will have a thorn in its
mouth and yes the giraffe knows how to
eat and digest thorns and that’s what I
want to talk to you about is those
thorns those negative shaming judging
hating guilting messages that we both
send and receive every day those
messages that guilt us that hurt us that
shame others those messages those thorns
if we can learn to eat and digest those
thorns we can become virtually
conflict-free typically when we think of
big thorns we think of the wars the
tragedies the conflicts that require
mediation the killings those are not
thorns those are the infected wound
and the festering wounds that a thorn
has left behind and so we need to focus
on those little thorns those messages
those shaming judging guilting hating
messages that we both send and receive
so what’s the solution what I want to do
with you is I want to share four choices
you have when you chomp down on a thorn
and then I want a date and two of those
choices are conflict enabling and two of
those choices are conflict blocking and
then to round out my talk I want to take
one of those conflict blocking and dig a
little deeper and look at how do we
actually digest the thorn and in order
to ship share this with you I want to
share a little story a little scenario
just to guide us through the four
choices we have and then how to actually
eat and digest the thorn it’s 2:00 a.m.
it’s two o’clock in the morning you’ve
come home from a long double shift at
work you’re tired you’re you’re looking
for a little bit of food so you’re
making a snack you turn up the music and
you’ve barely sat down and someone comes
banging on your door you hardly have
turned around and your neighbor comes
crashing through the door and says you
insensitive idiot who do you think you
are anyway what like are you a loser why
would you ever think you could listen to
music at this time of the night wow
that’s a thorn what are you gonna do you
have four choices the first thing you
can do is you can spit it out and you
can and this looks like this oh yeah
you’re the one who’s the loser remember
all those times that I’ve shoveled your
sidewalk you never say thanks when do
you ever appreciate anything I do for
you you moron
you’ve just spit out that thorn and
cause a lot of external pain and
conflict for someone else the second way
you the second choice you have take that
thorn and swallow it raw what does that
look like this is what it looks like in
your thoughts yeah she’s right I’m such
a loser I’m such a moron like why would
I ever think
I’m a jerk like why would I ever do that
I don’t know why I bother that thorn
went down and poked all the way and
caused a lot of internal pain and
conflict
those are conflict enabling choices
there’s a third way and that is to tune
into your own feelings and needs at that
particular moment and I hear you you’re
saying oh there’s a counselor he’s
talking about feelings I promise I’ll be
concrete when I get to it in a moment
I’ll be very concrete there’s no group
hugs no kumbaya no fuzzy stuff it’ll be
very concrete and what does that look
like that looks like wow I’m anxious and
scared because my need for safety and
and my need for rest and relaxation and
possibly even my need for autonomy was
not being met at that time fourth way I
can tune into the other person’s
feelings and needs typically that’s more
difficult if we haven’t first learned to
tune into our own feelings and needs
there’s a quote I’d like to share with
you from dr. Marshall Rosenberg again
who says that every expression of
violence angular conflict is nothing
more than a tragic expression of an
unmet need so every time there’s anger
or violence or conflict it’s a tragic
expression of an unmet need so in that
line what are my neighbor’s feelings and
needs at that time she was feeling
irritated and agitated because her need
for rest and relaxation and possibly
possibly her autonomy was also not being
met so what I would like to do with you
now is dig a little deeper into the
Fourth Way so just quickly summarize and
then dig a little deeper into how to
actually digest that thorn so first you
chomp down on a thorn that you’re gonna
send or receive you can spit it out and
cause external pain of conflict to
someone else
second you can swallow that thorn hole
causing a lot of pain and conflict
internally number three you can tune
into your own feelings in need
number four you can tune into the other
person’s feelings and needs so we’re
going to what I’d like to do is is give
you a little bit of a formula so what
I’m going to do is I’m going to give you
a formula this is a formula that I’m
borrowing from nonviolent communication
and I understand formulas by their mayor
structure cause resistance and I
understand that but just like those of
you who have learned how to ride a bike
you had to learn a formula of balance
and pedaling and you had to learn that
formula and once you got it down pat you
now jump on a bike and you go and
there’s no more formula the same with
this formula once you get it and once
you’ve ingrained it into who you are you
can pedal off into a conflict-free
future the formula is this
it’s ofn our each letter represents one
word but I like to make it a word you
need to do this more often er you need
we all need to do this more often
so that’s our new word so let’s dig into
that the very first letter stands for
observe it’s a mindful practice of
simply just observing no judgment Indian
philosopher Jiddu Krishnamurti was known
to have said that the highest form of
human intelligence is the ability to
observe without any judgment and that’s
what with external and to self so the
highest form of human intelligence is
the ability to observe without judgment
and that’s what we do here I noticed my
neighbor came through my door and was
speaking loudly at me and saying things
that made me feel negative that’s all I
did I just observed pure observation
let’s go to F feelings and I promised
I’d be concrete I want you to rethink
feelings for a moment feelings are
nothing more than our body communicating
to us that whether our needs are being
met or not and it’s this simple negative
feelings the whole range of them tells
us our needs are not being met
positive feelings the whole range of
them tell us that our feelings are being
met so negative feelings tell us our
needs are not being met at that moment
it’s her body communicating to us and
positive feelings tell us they are being
met visualize this you’re laying on a
beach warm Beach you pick the beach the
Sun is warming your body and you’re
laying there and you’re happy and
content do you feel it your needs are
being met then you start thinking of
this conflict that you left behind in
your stomach starts to clench and you
start feeling a bit anxious and you
start feeling this negative feeling your
needs are not being met your body is
telling you that then you forget about
that conflict then you go back to laying
in the sunshine and you’re comfortable
and you’re happy in your content your
needs are being met again it’s that
simple so what were my neighbours
feelings at that time she was feeling
irritated and frustrated and agitated as
I mentioned already let’s move to needs
my neighbor had needs there was a tragic
expression of a need going on what was
her need at that time my neighbors need
for rest and relaxation and autonomy
were not being met now notice the irony
here what was I doing when I turned the
music on I was expressing my need for
rest and relaxation in autonomy my
neighbor came was also expressing her
need for rest and relaxation in autonomy
we had the same basic needs and we were
conflicting in all of that need in all
of that expression there there was also
the final letter and that’s a request so
I noticed my neighbor came through my
door and she said some things to me in a
loud voice I noticed she was feeling
agitated and irritated and frustrated
because her need for rest and relaxation
was not being met what was her request
she had a two-year-old infant daughter
who’s been sick for three nights crying
every half-hour she had just gotten off
to sleep and in two hours she had to get
up
go to her work at the hospital and she
was just wondering if she could have two
more hours of sleep that’s all she was
asking but she expressed it so
tragically and if we could learn to eat
thorns eat and digest those thorns like
a drive and do you know how a giraffe
eats and digest a thorn two ways first
of all a giraffe has saliva that is
antiseptic so when a giraffe chomps down
on a thorn it does hurt and thorns do
hurt
however the saliva is antiseptic and it
will never allow it to infect or fester
or continue to become a festering wound
second way that mucus that saliva is so
thick that it creates a mucusy membrane
around the thorn which then allows that
thorn to glide all the way down the
esophagus into the stomach where in the
stomach the enzymes begin to break down
this thorn and take out the essential
nutrients that are inside of that thorn
that are necessary for the giraffes
survival and that is what we need to do
is take those thorns and digest them and
take out those needs that are inside of
those thorns
so in this conflict-ridden world of ours
we need to stick our necks out we need
to take a message and learn from the
giraffes and we need to take our harmful
messages those judging shaming messages
and we need to wrap them in enzymatic
positivity and understanding so we can
extract their internal goodness and that
is how to eat thorns thank you
[Applause] you
a violent place what would you say would
you say yes most definitely or would you
say I’m not sure or would you say no
although there are violent people and
violent episodes by and large the world
is not a violent place if you answered
yes or unsure I’m hoping that I can help
you frame that point of view and if you
answered no I’m hoping that I can help
you reconsider that point of view
dr. Marshall Rosenberg a world-renowned
who was a world renowned expert on
violence and conflict and also the
founder of a model called non-violent
communication was no one to have said
that if violence is defined as the
ability to harm than most definitely the
way we communicate is violent
so if violence is defined as the ability
to harm which it is then the way we
dialogue the way we communicate the
words we use are violent so what I want
to do with you today is I want to talk
to you about the essence and cause of
that violence as well as a solution out
of that violence and in order to do that
I want to take you on a journey on a
journey to the savannahs of Africa where
we find roaming one of the most majestic
creatures known to humans
this creature is loved by millions yes
I’m talking about the giraffe did you
know that the giraffe has the largest
heart of all mammals in fact it can grow
up to 24 inches or 60 centimeters in
length and of course this is to get all
that blood from its body up to the top
of that long neck but you know what we
say about people with big hearts right
they’re compassionate they’re loving and
they’re conflict-free giraffes have big
hearts
this image of conflict-free is further
reinforced by the fact that giraffes do
not have top front
Keith they cannot use their mouths to
bite or protect themselves and they also
have these tissue e bumps on the top of
their head that we call horns there are
nothing more than bumps of tissue that
are there to protect their skull they’re
not used for aggression so you may be
saying well how is that conflict-free
that’s being a pushover that’s being a
wimp that’s just capitulating that’s
just doing what everyone else wants you
to do don’t kid yourself
the giraffe boasts one of the most
fierce predators in the world the lion
one kick delivered from a giraffe to a
threatening lion is enough to maim or
kill the lion giraffes are compassionate
but they have very clear boundaries and
that brings me to the heart of my talk
the most amazing thing about a giraffe
is their favorite food comes from the
leaves of the Acacia tree now there’s a
hitch the acacia tree has as many thorns
as it does leaves and these thorns are
eight to ten centimetres long and they
are razor sharp and sometimes however
this does not deter the giraffe who will
simply wrap its long black tongue around
the branch and strip all the leaves from
between the thorns and sometimes a thorn
will enter the giraffes food sometimes
the giraffe will have a thorn in its
mouth and yes the giraffe knows how to
eat and digest thorns and that’s what I
want to talk to you about is those
thorns those negative shaming judging
hating guilting messages that we both
send and receive every day those
messages that guilt us that hurt us that
shame others those messages those thorns
if we can learn to eat and digest those
thorns we can become virtually
conflict-free typically when we think of
big thorns we think of the wars the
tragedies the conflicts that require
mediation the killings those are not
thorns those are the infected wound
and the festering wounds that a thorn
has left behind and so we need to focus
on those little thorns those messages
those shaming judging guilting hating
messages that we both send and receive
so what’s the solution what I want to do
with you is I want to share four choices
you have when you chomp down on a thorn
and then I want a date and two of those
choices are conflict enabling and two of
those choices are conflict blocking and
then to round out my talk I want to take
one of those conflict blocking and dig a
little deeper and look at how do we
actually digest the thorn and in order
to ship share this with you I want to
share a little story a little scenario
just to guide us through the four
choices we have and then how to actually
eat and digest the thorn it’s 2:00 a.m.
it’s two o’clock in the morning you’ve
come home from a long double shift at
work you’re tired you’re you’re looking
for a little bit of food so you’re
making a snack you turn up the music and
you’ve barely sat down and someone comes
banging on your door you hardly have
turned around and your neighbor comes
crashing through the door and says you
insensitive idiot who do you think you
are anyway what like are you a loser why
would you ever think you could listen to
music at this time of the night wow
that’s a thorn what are you gonna do you
have four choices the first thing you
can do is you can spit it out and you
can and this looks like this oh yeah
you’re the one who’s the loser remember
all those times that I’ve shoveled your
sidewalk you never say thanks when do
you ever appreciate anything I do for
you you moron
you’ve just spit out that thorn and
cause a lot of external pain and
conflict for someone else the second way
you the second choice you have take that
thorn and swallow it raw what does that
look like this is what it looks like in
your thoughts yeah she’s right I’m such
a loser I’m such a moron like why would
I ever think
I’m a jerk like why would I ever do that
I don’t know why I bother that thorn
went down and poked all the way and
caused a lot of internal pain and
conflict
those are conflict enabling choices
there’s a third way and that is to tune
into your own feelings and needs at that
particular moment and I hear you you’re
saying oh there’s a counselor he’s
talking about feelings I promise I’ll be
concrete when I get to it in a moment
I’ll be very concrete there’s no group
hugs no kumbaya no fuzzy stuff it’ll be
very concrete and what does that look
like that looks like wow I’m anxious and
scared because my need for safety and
and my need for rest and relaxation and
possibly even my need for autonomy was
not being met at that time fourth way I
can tune into the other person’s
feelings and needs typically that’s more
difficult if we haven’t first learned to
tune into our own feelings and needs
there’s a quote I’d like to share with
you from dr. Marshall Rosenberg again
who says that every expression of
violence angular conflict is nothing
more than a tragic expression of an
unmet need so every time there’s anger
or violence or conflict it’s a tragic
expression of an unmet need so in that
line what are my neighbor’s feelings and
needs at that time she was feeling
irritated and agitated because her need
for rest and relaxation and possibly
possibly her autonomy was also not being
met so what I would like to do with you
now is dig a little deeper into the
Fourth Way so just quickly summarize and
then dig a little deeper into how to
actually digest that thorn so first you
chomp down on a thorn that you’re gonna
send or receive you can spit it out and
cause external pain of conflict to
someone else
second you can swallow that thorn hole
causing a lot of pain and conflict
internally number three you can tune
into your own feelings in need
number four you can tune into the other
person’s feelings and needs so we’re
going to what I’d like to do is is give
you a little bit of a formula so what
I’m going to do is I’m going to give you
a formula this is a formula that I’m
borrowing from nonviolent communication
and I understand formulas by their mayor
structure cause resistance and I
understand that but just like those of
you who have learned how to ride a bike
you had to learn a formula of balance
and pedaling and you had to learn that
formula and once you got it down pat you
now jump on a bike and you go and
there’s no more formula the same with
this formula once you get it and once
you’ve ingrained it into who you are you
can pedal off into a conflict-free
future the formula is this
it’s ofn our each letter represents one
word but I like to make it a word you
need to do this more often er you need
we all need to do this more often
so that’s our new word so let’s dig into
that the very first letter stands for
observe it’s a mindful practice of
simply just observing no judgment Indian
philosopher Jiddu Krishnamurti was known
to have said that the highest form of
human intelligence is the ability to
observe without any judgment and that’s
what with external and to self so the
highest form of human intelligence is
the ability to observe without judgment
and that’s what we do here I noticed my
neighbor came through my door and was
speaking loudly at me and saying things
that made me feel negative that’s all I
did I just observed pure observation
let’s go to F feelings and I promised
I’d be concrete I want you to rethink
feelings for a moment feelings are
nothing more than our body communicating
to us that whether our needs are being
met or not and it’s this simple negative
feelings the whole range of them tells
us our needs are not being met
positive feelings the whole range of
them tell us that our feelings are being
met so negative feelings tell us our
needs are not being met at that moment
it’s her body communicating to us and
positive feelings tell us they are being
met visualize this you’re laying on a
beach warm Beach you pick the beach the
Sun is warming your body and you’re
laying there and you’re happy and
content do you feel it your needs are
being met then you start thinking of
this conflict that you left behind in
your stomach starts to clench and you
start feeling a bit anxious and you
start feeling this negative feeling your
needs are not being met your body is
telling you that then you forget about
that conflict then you go back to laying
in the sunshine and you’re comfortable
and you’re happy in your content your
needs are being met again it’s that
simple so what were my neighbours
feelings at that time she was feeling
irritated and frustrated and agitated as
I mentioned already let’s move to needs
my neighbor had needs there was a tragic
expression of a need going on what was
her need at that time my neighbors need
for rest and relaxation and autonomy
were not being met now notice the irony
here what was I doing when I turned the
music on I was expressing my need for
rest and relaxation in autonomy my
neighbor came was also expressing her
need for rest and relaxation in autonomy
we had the same basic needs and we were
conflicting in all of that need in all
of that expression there there was also
the final letter and that’s a request so
I noticed my neighbor came through my
door and she said some things to me in a
loud voice I noticed she was feeling
agitated and irritated and frustrated
because her need for rest and relaxation
was not being met what was her request
she had a two-year-old infant daughter
who’s been sick for three nights crying
every half-hour she had just gotten off
to sleep and in two hours she had to get
up
go to her work at the hospital and she
was just wondering if she could have two
more hours of sleep that’s all she was
asking but she expressed it so
tragically and if we could learn to eat
thorns eat and digest those thorns like
a drive and do you know how a giraffe
eats and digest a thorn two ways first
of all a giraffe has saliva that is
antiseptic so when a giraffe chomps down
on a thorn it does hurt and thorns do
hurt
however the saliva is antiseptic and it
will never allow it to infect or fester
or continue to become a festering wound
second way that mucus that saliva is so
thick that it creates a mucusy membrane
around the thorn which then allows that
thorn to glide all the way down the
esophagus into the stomach where in the
stomach the enzymes begin to break down
this thorn and take out the essential
nutrients that are inside of that thorn
that are necessary for the giraffes
survival and that is what we need to do
is take those thorns and digest them and
take out those needs that are inside of
those thorns
so in this conflict-ridden world of ours
we need to stick our necks out we need
to take a message and learn from the
giraffes and we need to take our harmful
messages those judging shaming messages
and we need to wrap them in enzymatic
positivity and understanding so we can
extract their internal goodness and that
is how to eat thorns thank you
[Applause] you
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