[Music]
so it’s better to be here today and by
that I mean not just here physically on
this stage talking with you loving
people because just over a year ago I
hit rock bottom
growing up in a big city working 60 hour
and plus weeks having a busy social life
whilst doing a master’s at the same time
was underwhelming
he left me exhausted depleting not the
person I wanted to be I definitely was
not the best version of myself
what’s more with so many different
channels of communication that we have
text message phone Instagram slugs Skype
you name it I couldn’t escape the noise
and I couldn’t escape this feeling but I
just needed to get some headspace and
with all these social social pressure
came from England I’ve never experienced
before
I started developing social anxiety
disorder and panic attacks it sounds
ridiculous but just getting an invite
from a friend invited me to a birthday
party will send me into space panic so
what happened is I stopped socializing I
stopped going out because what I thought
I needed was space to reconnect with
myself and set it away from busy work
life busy social life but in a city like
London that’s designed for social
interaction when you started going out
in that environment you started getting
lonely and we start feeling isolated so
I did something quite drastic after 20
years of living in the city and moved to
the middle of nowhere in the countryside
in France
my family’s abandoned estate now the
Chateau yes it sounds ridiculous trust
me
I started ikkyu let’s say that out loud
the truth is it’s not as glamorous as it
seems my family hasn’t lived
years and like I described it it is in a
state of disrepair the only place that’s
livable on it it’s a little two-bedroom
house which is the one that I moved into
so there are worse I sold most my
possessions because in the end I’d left
London but I didn’t know how long I was
going to be away for until my savings
ran out and what would I do after that I
haven’t actually bought that farm
so being a big city girl living in the
countryside was fine during the day most
of the time but in the evenings when
night fell I loved the dogs
I stayed indoors in bed with a book I
was too scared to go outside scared of a
dog and you know what I had it bad ready
just in case something were to happen I
had my laptop I had my keys and I had my
running trainers and I figured the
champion was about four kilometers away
from the nearest village and if I really
had to I could run that far some euros
in the countryside in the woods with no
internet an absolutely no phone
reception
can you imagine after living in the
cities for so long finding yourself in
that scenario surrounded in the woods on
your own no to be honest neither could I
at the time and so like I said I was
scared at dark but nothing happened it
could have done what did happen however
is that one night I went to Geneva two
hours away to go and see my setting on
the plane and when I came back the next
day to my horror I don’t see been
burgled I didn’t have much to take
because I’ve sold most of my belongings
better they didn’t manage to take my
laptop and when you’re living in the
countryside a very valuable tool chain
saw a lot of wilderness to cut down now
well this experience taught me was that
actually the fear that I had felt or the
fear that had been scared of was
rational actually for the first time I
realized that what I had done
even alienating myself and being in
isolation initially was actually could
be quite dangerous
I was actually putting myself in danger
but uh actually they didn’t frighten me
what frightened me most was the feelings
that I felt being in there for the four
months on my arms on my own the feelings
of loneliness the feelings of having to
spend all that time just with myself
when I wasn’t used to being in that
environment and I couldn’t stop thinking
about what everybody else is doing how
much fun they were having what they were
up to in comparison to what the fun I
was not having I think this is called
FOMO right fear of missing out yeah I
definitely had them but to my surprise I
didn’t feel anxious and I didn’t feel
panicked I just felt sad because I
noticed that I’ve kept myself so busy
with work we’re studying we’re
socializing but actually I had never
taken the time to stop and deal with my
feelings I’ve never dealt with past
relationships fear pain losing phrase
none of them I just kept myself busy and
cannot carrying on and you do in England
right Keep Calm carry on that’s the same
hmm and so the scariest thing was
actually being there at my own company
but being in nature was the most
wonderful experience I could have had it
gave me the space and the time to
actually sit with those feelings think
about them and I’m not gonna lie to you
it was painful I can’t stop crying I
check right in most of the time I cried
for about two months strange but it was
so appealing and I really loved you at
the experience today and over time I
started feeling more comfortable I
gained confidence just because I allowed
these feelings to actually surface and
deal with them and then after a while I
stopped wondering what other one else is
doing because you know what I’m started
feeling generally happy in my own
company
they don’t say I’ve even began to love
myself I know
I became proud of myself for having made
the move going out there and facing my
fears fixing my demons facing myself
taking the time to do a bit of
soul-searching and actually I was proud
of myself for being capable of living in
the in the middle of nowhere
for country girl nor a city girl
Freudian slip now a country girl that’s
a big move and so once my experiences
drastic it’s not for everyone and it is
definitely not sustainable in the run in
the long run because whilst living in
the city can play havoc on your on your
mental well-being and state of mind so
can living in complete isolation for
four months and it’s another experience
that I had depicting that was so I had
no internet had no flip phone signal but
every so often like everybody else I had
to go and take out the recycling the
nearest village four kilometres away and
as I did that some strange reason these
great big bins was the only place that I
actually had reception
so I called my mom because as you can
imagine she was worried just about me I
like the water
just crying sobbing I had nothing to say
really I was hopeless and when I had was
tears but there she was at the end of
that phone call there for me not judging
me just listening and then you realise
that connecting with myself was
extremely important it’s something that
has been extremely valuable to me but
connecting with people is equally
important and as well as having that
experience with my mother I also had a
whatsapp group with three of my closest
friends we actually call it soy beans
and what if I didn’t check my phone
because I have no connection and also I
didn’t want to once in a while and you
that they have send me messages and I
would read them and as well as my mother
they didn’t judge me but didn’t expect a
reply they just wanted to be there for
me
and our performers and makes these
connections I miss having interactions
with these friends they’ve cared for me
they had been there for me all along
just not physically and so I decided to
return to London but um I didn’t last
very long this time not because I was
suffering from social anxiety attacks or
panic attacks but because I learned my
boundaries I learned what abundance was
for me and for me it wasn’t about the
countryside or living in a city
it wasn’t about socializing and working
to exhaustion or staying in there being
a hermit like I had done I found the
importance and the value in both today I
bounced around from the Chateau to
London and luckily I’m able to work to
work remotely some of the time which
means that because of Technology because
of the internet because of what I feared
I’m actually able to do that now the
reason why I’m telling you this story is
because as I started expressing my story
telling my journey more and more I found
people who have had the same have had
similar experiences and who have thought
the same way and I and I wasn’t alone I
wasn’t alone in it at all
too many people in large urban
environments suffer from social anxiety
panic attacks depression most the time
they just do it in silence because
talking about it is difficult there’s a
lot of social stigma around not doing as
well as you could be or should be and
people just don’t like to talk about
these things but also making a drastic
move like moving to the countryside
which most of the time if you don’t have
a social network though it’s very
difficult it’s challenging and as my
story has just depicted it’s scary
it’s literally settling not for everyone
and so if people are having these
struggles living in cities because
there’s too much noise and it’s too
chaotic but at the same time they’re
also struggling living in the
countryside because it’s too remote and
lonely what does this mean for the way
that we’re living what does it say about
the way that we organize ourselves a
society in our cities doesn’t employ
doesn’t imply that we should find more
creative solutions that incorporate the
need for physical space medical space
but also for a rich social environment
what do you think don’t you think that
we should come up with different
solutions for creating our environments
once I incorporate all of us such as
more villages rather than larger cities
that’s what I wanted to share with you
from my personal experience and I hope
that some of it resonates with you not
too much and that you find it within
yourself to think about creative
solutions to how we can manage these
villages just like we can see here at
mock Hren
thank you
[Applause]
[Music]
you
[Music]
so it’s better to be here today and by
that I mean not just here physically on
this stage talking with you loving
people because just over a year ago I
hit rock bottom
growing up in a big city working 60 hour
and plus weeks having a busy social life
whilst doing a master’s at the same time
was underwhelming
he left me exhausted depleting not the
person I wanted to be I definitely was
not the best version of myself
what’s more with so many different
channels of communication that we have
text message phone Instagram slugs Skype
you name it I couldn’t escape the noise
and I couldn’t escape this feeling but I
just needed to get some headspace and
with all these social social pressure
came from England I’ve never experienced
before
I started developing social anxiety
disorder and panic attacks it sounds
ridiculous but just getting an invite
from a friend invited me to a birthday
party will send me into space panic so
what happened is I stopped socializing I
stopped going out because what I thought
I needed was space to reconnect with
myself and set it away from busy work
life busy social life but in a city like
London that’s designed for social
interaction when you started going out
in that environment you started getting
lonely and we start feeling isolated so
I did something quite drastic after 20
years of living in the city and moved to
the middle of nowhere in the countryside
in France
my family’s abandoned estate now the
Chateau yes it sounds ridiculous trust
me
I started ikkyu let’s say that out loud
the truth is it’s not as glamorous as it
seems my family hasn’t lived
years and like I described it it is in a
state of disrepair the only place that’s
livable on it it’s a little two-bedroom
house which is the one that I moved into
so there are worse I sold most my
possessions because in the end I’d left
London but I didn’t know how long I was
going to be away for until my savings
ran out and what would I do after that I
haven’t actually bought that farm
so being a big city girl living in the
countryside was fine during the day most
of the time but in the evenings when
night fell I loved the dogs
I stayed indoors in bed with a book I
was too scared to go outside scared of a
dog and you know what I had it bad ready
just in case something were to happen I
had my laptop I had my keys and I had my
running trainers and I figured the
champion was about four kilometers away
from the nearest village and if I really
had to I could run that far some euros
in the countryside in the woods with no
internet an absolutely no phone
reception
can you imagine after living in the
cities for so long finding yourself in
that scenario surrounded in the woods on
your own no to be honest neither could I
at the time and so like I said I was
scared at dark but nothing happened it
could have done what did happen however
is that one night I went to Geneva two
hours away to go and see my setting on
the plane and when I came back the next
day to my horror I don’t see been
burgled I didn’t have much to take
because I’ve sold most of my belongings
better they didn’t manage to take my
laptop and when you’re living in the
countryside a very valuable tool chain
saw a lot of wilderness to cut down now
well this experience taught me was that
actually the fear that I had felt or the
fear that had been scared of was
rational actually for the first time I
realized that what I had done
even alienating myself and being in
isolation initially was actually could
be quite dangerous
I was actually putting myself in danger
but uh actually they didn’t frighten me
what frightened me most was the feelings
that I felt being in there for the four
months on my arms on my own the feelings
of loneliness the feelings of having to
spend all that time just with myself
when I wasn’t used to being in that
environment and I couldn’t stop thinking
about what everybody else is doing how
much fun they were having what they were
up to in comparison to what the fun I
was not having I think this is called
FOMO right fear of missing out yeah I
definitely had them but to my surprise I
didn’t feel anxious and I didn’t feel
panicked I just felt sad because I
noticed that I’ve kept myself so busy
with work we’re studying we’re
socializing but actually I had never
taken the time to stop and deal with my
feelings I’ve never dealt with past
relationships fear pain losing phrase
none of them I just kept myself busy and
cannot carrying on and you do in England
right Keep Calm carry on that’s the same
hmm and so the scariest thing was
actually being there at my own company
but being in nature was the most
wonderful experience I could have had it
gave me the space and the time to
actually sit with those feelings think
about them and I’m not gonna lie to you
it was painful I can’t stop crying I
check right in most of the time I cried
for about two months strange but it was
so appealing and I really loved you at
the experience today and over time I
started feeling more comfortable I
gained confidence just because I allowed
these feelings to actually surface and
deal with them and then after a while I
stopped wondering what other one else is
doing because you know what I’m started
feeling generally happy in my own
company
they don’t say I’ve even began to love
myself I know
I became proud of myself for having made
the move going out there and facing my
fears fixing my demons facing myself
taking the time to do a bit of
soul-searching and actually I was proud
of myself for being capable of living in
the in the middle of nowhere
for country girl nor a city girl
Freudian slip now a country girl that’s
a big move and so once my experiences
drastic it’s not for everyone and it is
definitely not sustainable in the run in
the long run because whilst living in
the city can play havoc on your on your
mental well-being and state of mind so
can living in complete isolation for
four months and it’s another experience
that I had depicting that was so I had
no internet had no flip phone signal but
every so often like everybody else I had
to go and take out the recycling the
nearest village four kilometres away and
as I did that some strange reason these
great big bins was the only place that I
actually had reception
so I called my mom because as you can
imagine she was worried just about me I
like the water
just crying sobbing I had nothing to say
really I was hopeless and when I had was
tears but there she was at the end of
that phone call there for me not judging
me just listening and then you realise
that connecting with myself was
extremely important it’s something that
has been extremely valuable to me but
connecting with people is equally
important and as well as having that
experience with my mother I also had a
whatsapp group with three of my closest
friends we actually call it soy beans
and what if I didn’t check my phone
because I have no connection and also I
didn’t want to once in a while and you
that they have send me messages and I
would read them and as well as my mother
they didn’t judge me but didn’t expect a
reply they just wanted to be there for
me
and our performers and makes these
connections I miss having interactions
with these friends they’ve cared for me
they had been there for me all along
just not physically and so I decided to
return to London but um I didn’t last
very long this time not because I was
suffering from social anxiety attacks or
panic attacks but because I learned my
boundaries I learned what abundance was
for me and for me it wasn’t about the
countryside or living in a city
it wasn’t about socializing and working
to exhaustion or staying in there being
a hermit like I had done I found the
importance and the value in both today I
bounced around from the Chateau to
London and luckily I’m able to work to
work remotely some of the time which
means that because of Technology because
of the internet because of what I feared
I’m actually able to do that now the
reason why I’m telling you this story is
because as I started expressing my story
telling my journey more and more I found
people who have had the same have had
similar experiences and who have thought
the same way and I and I wasn’t alone I
wasn’t alone in it at all
too many people in large urban
environments suffer from social anxiety
panic attacks depression most the time
they just do it in silence because
talking about it is difficult there’s a
lot of social stigma around not doing as
well as you could be or should be and
people just don’t like to talk about
these things but also making a drastic
move like moving to the countryside
which most of the time if you don’t have
a social network though it’s very
difficult it’s challenging and as my
story has just depicted it’s scary
it’s literally settling not for everyone
and so if people are having these
struggles living in cities because
there’s too much noise and it’s too
chaotic but at the same time they’re
also struggling living in the
countryside because it’s too remote and
lonely what does this mean for the way
that we’re living what does it say about
the way that we organize ourselves a
society in our cities doesn’t employ
doesn’t imply that we should find more
creative solutions that incorporate the
need for physical space medical space
but also for a rich social environment
what do you think don’t you think that
we should come up with different
solutions for creating our environments
once I incorporate all of us such as
more villages rather than larger cities
that’s what I wanted to share with you
from my personal experience and I hope
that some of it resonates with you not
too much and that you find it within
yourself to think about creative
solutions to how we can manage these
villages just like we can see here at
mock Hren
thank you
[Applause]
[Music]
you
[Music]
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