[Applause]
[Music]
so not many of us can stay at a very
young age I know my purpose in life I
know exactly what I want to do and how
to get there that’s normally a pretty
long and circuitous road for most of us
but for some reason I thought I was one
of the lucky ones so I said I’m gonna
make it in New York City
as a photojournalist with $1,500 in my
bank account so I moved to New York and
I did I ended up getting jobs and
working and supporting myself I even met
a man fell in love got married I was
living my personal and professional
dream and I said to myself in that cocky
twenty-year-old way well that wasn’t so
hard like I don’t really know what my
mom was so nervous about until I got
news that my father was gravely ill and
all these memories of a painful past
came rushing back and I wasn’t ready for
it I had a very complicated relationship
with my father he was a very doting
father but he was an emotionally and
physically abusive husband to my mother
for a while I thought I grew up in a
happy home because I had my mom and the
rest of my family and friends to thank
for her and I honestly forgot about my
painful past when I left my dad’s house
and I stopped talking to him when I was
a teenager but when I got the phone call
all the memories came back and I
physically emotionally but also
physically could not handle it I fell
into a very deep depression and prior to
2008 I
really know what depression was I kind
of used that word very casually like the
runner in my pantyhose that’s so
depressing but I didn’t know it was a
medical condition I didn’t know that
there was a chemical shift in my brain
that affected me physically as well I
couldn’t get up I didn’t really want to
eat didn’t want to get out of the house
my husband Ben actually had to shower me
feed me bathe me and it was such a
confusing state because it wasn’t as if
I was trying to be lazy I wanted to be
lazy I didn’t but it felt like a sumo
wrestler was sitting on my chest
and I could not physically fight from
that gravitational pull so my husband
who is a photo journalist as well
encouraged me to document what I was
going through he said that I should
photograph and that I should write
everything down which was a really great
idea because everything was so
exhausting at that time and talking to
my therapist was exhausting I didn’t
want to do it but for some reason these
tools that I had my camera and my pen
were able to capture everything that I
was feeling I didn’t have to tell my
therapist
what anxiety felt like I just
photographed it and I thought that this
was a good way for me to really study
and understand the state that I was then
if only I could capture my thoughts and
transfer that onto a piece of paper or
translate my emotion and transfer that
into a photographic print then maybe I
could study it with more distance and
really understand this illness this dip
question that I had so I chronicled
because it felt like I didn’t have any
other choice but to do this it was
survival for me it was cathartic and it
was during this time that I got a phone
call from my father
and perhaps it’s because I just wasn’t
ready to face those emotions yet I was
still working through them that I didn’t
answer his call I let it go to voicemail
and when I finally was able to get up
the courage and listen to the voicemail
I didn’t understand what he was saying
it was very garbled there was an
overseas call and I didn’t call him back
so I didn’t really know what he wanted
to tell me and I never could I never
would three days later I get a call from
my cousin saying that my father had died
alone in his hospital room in the
Philippines and if I was sad before I
had what my therapist called a double
dip this time this time I was done I did
not feel anything my world was hazy
there was a disconnect between my
physical self and the rest of the world
if my husband Ben kissed me on a good
day maybe I would feel the warmth of his
cheeks but that would not really
register as love or tenderness and the
worst thing the worst thing about
feeling like you’re dead inside
is understanding that you’re sober
enough and conscious enough to live
through that and so I cut
I cut not because it was a cry for help
I cut because I needed to remind myself
that I could still feel my husband
started his career as a photojournalist
in Iraq when he was 23 so I’ve never
really seen fear in that man but on this
day when he tried to Jimmy the door with
a butter knife and he barged into the
room and he grabbed my hand he took the
knife away and he was screaming what are
you doing this is your life this is your
friends your family this is an art
that’s it and I did what any rational
person would do I put my camera down I
picked up my pen and I wrote what are
you doing
this is your life this is your family
this is your friend it was a very hazy
moment for me and it took me a while
actually years when I looked at this
image again that I realized how utterly
terrifying and lonely this must have
been for Ben this was the first time
that he finally decided to call my
doctor and commit me to the psych ward
when I first took this image it was
purely as a study again I wanted to
understand the state that I was in and I
wanted to see what I must have looked
like from the perspective of where my
mother was standing just as a study and
I didn’t really see see this image again
until the years later when I became a
mother myself and I became wracked with
guilt because what that must have felt
like for my mother to see her youngest
daughter
wanting to just give up I didn’t fully
appreciate the fear and the pain that
must have been for her she never left my
side he never left my side either Ben
was always with me even in the bathroom
they no matter what I was doing he was
so scared
spud didn’t even ask to be walked he
didn’t ask to feed he just stayed with
me he wouldn’t go anywhere so I
continued to document even in the psych
ward
I would jot down these conversations
that I had with everyone until this was
no longer my story I started sharing it
in group and someone in therapy actually
said you know what Marva hearing your
words make me feel like I belong and
that meant a lot to me because that’s
what group therapy was for me I no
longer felt like an anomaly I was with
people who knew exactly what it felt
like to be depressed and I realized that
there were more people who needed it who
needed to express themselves because
they needed that companionship and
that’s how one in 20 was born one in 20
is the gathering of people who have been
touched by mental illness whether you
are a sufferer or a caregiver a suicide
survivor or a loss survivor one in 20 is
a space for people to express themselves
free of judgment and free of stigma it
was essentially an experiment on empathy
and self-expression that would live on
social media and one of the submissions
that really stuck with me
was Ehrich submission and it was a
series of questions about his son Joshua
who he lost at the age of three and I’m
gonna read you a few lines from Eric’s
submission if I had gone to his room
five minutes early would he still be
there is it okay to go days at a time
and not think about him is it okay for
me to be so happy in life how do I
answer a stranger who asks how many
children I have Eric’s story resonated
with me because it made me feel guilty
as much as I love my children as scared
I am to have the experience that Eric
had for some reason I felt trapped in
this world that I was in I was now a new
mother of two I had left-footed
journalism I sold all my cameras that
purpose that I thought I had so coffee
as a 20 year old was no longer and I was
lost and I was navigating motherhood and
a culture that really didn’t practice it
as a communal effort I didn’t have my
camera but I still had my phone because
this is past 2000 Maryam yeh iPhone
technology so I went back to what I knew
how did you the only thing I really knew
how to do which was tell stories and I
documented but my world was dark even
play time with Captain America and
Wolverine was dark naptime was lonely
my world was still hazy and even
nighttime routines like brushing their
teeth was an arduous task but inspired
by one in 20 I decided not just to
document what I was going through but I
wanted to share it to the world I was
reaching out for a community who could
understand what it was like to be a
parent or to be a caregiver and know
what the loneliness was like to be in
constant anxiety of the safety of your
children to know what the growing pains
of a marriage looks like you know when I
was sick in 2008 spud was with me all
the time and I had another dog wheat and
I had no idea where we was no idea I
just thought he didn’t care because he
was a dog after all and it wasn’t until
after his last breath when I heard my
husband wail I turned around and he was
collapsed and I realized though he
wasn’t with me because we was taking
care of
so I did it again I forgot to say thank
you again and how do you parent during
that time when your body is so wracked
with guilt that you can barely function
what these dates your seven year old how
do you explain to him to just embrace
death as a part of life how do you face
your own mortality and his when he said
to mommy I don’t want to die I don’t
want to die because if I die my eyes
will die and if my eyes die I will no
longer see you and if I don’t see you
I’ll forget you and if I forget you I’ll
stop loving you and I just cannot stop
loving you mommy
what do you say so I reached out I
reached out to my community of parents
and somehow the fog lifted and I started
seeing light all over again for some of
you who are photographers that’s a big
thing and I started appreciating my
children for the little people that they
were becoming they started to talk and
reason and they were actually really
funny I even enjoyed the quiet
I’m marvel about how strange they were
like really strange
I wasn’t as rattled by the cries anymore
because they were normally in costumes
when that happened and that health and I
brushed off a lot some of the daily
challenges I even owned this new
identity that I had I was no longer the
dark brooding artist I was now the mom
who thought cheesy yearbook photos were
really really cool and I started to see
my husband again not just as a father
but as my life partner and I soaked them
all yeah and it took a really long time
to heal but it wasn’t as daunting
because I knew that I was going through
this journey with a community behind me
thank you
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
[Music]
so not many of us can stay at a very
young age I know my purpose in life I
know exactly what I want to do and how
to get there that’s normally a pretty
long and circuitous road for most of us
but for some reason I thought I was one
of the lucky ones so I said I’m gonna
make it in New York City
as a photojournalist with $1,500 in my
bank account so I moved to New York and
I did I ended up getting jobs and
working and supporting myself I even met
a man fell in love got married I was
living my personal and professional
dream and I said to myself in that cocky
twenty-year-old way well that wasn’t so
hard like I don’t really know what my
mom was so nervous about until I got
news that my father was gravely ill and
all these memories of a painful past
came rushing back and I wasn’t ready for
it I had a very complicated relationship
with my father he was a very doting
father but he was an emotionally and
physically abusive husband to my mother
for a while I thought I grew up in a
happy home because I had my mom and the
rest of my family and friends to thank
for her and I honestly forgot about my
painful past when I left my dad’s house
and I stopped talking to him when I was
a teenager but when I got the phone call
all the memories came back and I
physically emotionally but also
physically could not handle it I fell
into a very deep depression and prior to
2008 I
really know what depression was I kind
of used that word very casually like the
runner in my pantyhose that’s so
depressing but I didn’t know it was a
medical condition I didn’t know that
there was a chemical shift in my brain
that affected me physically as well I
couldn’t get up I didn’t really want to
eat didn’t want to get out of the house
my husband Ben actually had to shower me
feed me bathe me and it was such a
confusing state because it wasn’t as if
I was trying to be lazy I wanted to be
lazy I didn’t but it felt like a sumo
wrestler was sitting on my chest
and I could not physically fight from
that gravitational pull so my husband
who is a photo journalist as well
encouraged me to document what I was
going through he said that I should
photograph and that I should write
everything down which was a really great
idea because everything was so
exhausting at that time and talking to
my therapist was exhausting I didn’t
want to do it but for some reason these
tools that I had my camera and my pen
were able to capture everything that I
was feeling I didn’t have to tell my
therapist
what anxiety felt like I just
photographed it and I thought that this
was a good way for me to really study
and understand the state that I was then
if only I could capture my thoughts and
transfer that onto a piece of paper or
translate my emotion and transfer that
into a photographic print then maybe I
could study it with more distance and
really understand this illness this dip
question that I had so I chronicled
because it felt like I didn’t have any
other choice but to do this it was
survival for me it was cathartic and it
was during this time that I got a phone
call from my father
and perhaps it’s because I just wasn’t
ready to face those emotions yet I was
still working through them that I didn’t
answer his call I let it go to voicemail
and when I finally was able to get up
the courage and listen to the voicemail
I didn’t understand what he was saying
it was very garbled there was an
overseas call and I didn’t call him back
so I didn’t really know what he wanted
to tell me and I never could I never
would three days later I get a call from
my cousin saying that my father had died
alone in his hospital room in the
Philippines and if I was sad before I
had what my therapist called a double
dip this time this time I was done I did
not feel anything my world was hazy
there was a disconnect between my
physical self and the rest of the world
if my husband Ben kissed me on a good
day maybe I would feel the warmth of his
cheeks but that would not really
register as love or tenderness and the
worst thing the worst thing about
feeling like you’re dead inside
is understanding that you’re sober
enough and conscious enough to live
through that and so I cut
I cut not because it was a cry for help
I cut because I needed to remind myself
that I could still feel my husband
started his career as a photojournalist
in Iraq when he was 23 so I’ve never
really seen fear in that man but on this
day when he tried to Jimmy the door with
a butter knife and he barged into the
room and he grabbed my hand he took the
knife away and he was screaming what are
you doing this is your life this is your
friends your family this is an art
that’s it and I did what any rational
person would do I put my camera down I
picked up my pen and I wrote what are
you doing
this is your life this is your family
this is your friend it was a very hazy
moment for me and it took me a while
actually years when I looked at this
image again that I realized how utterly
terrifying and lonely this must have
been for Ben this was the first time
that he finally decided to call my
doctor and commit me to the psych ward
when I first took this image it was
purely as a study again I wanted to
understand the state that I was in and I
wanted to see what I must have looked
like from the perspective of where my
mother was standing just as a study and
I didn’t really see see this image again
until the years later when I became a
mother myself and I became wracked with
guilt because what that must have felt
like for my mother to see her youngest
daughter
wanting to just give up I didn’t fully
appreciate the fear and the pain that
must have been for her she never left my
side he never left my side either Ben
was always with me even in the bathroom
they no matter what I was doing he was
so scared
spud didn’t even ask to be walked he
didn’t ask to feed he just stayed with
me he wouldn’t go anywhere so I
continued to document even in the psych
ward
I would jot down these conversations
that I had with everyone until this was
no longer my story I started sharing it
in group and someone in therapy actually
said you know what Marva hearing your
words make me feel like I belong and
that meant a lot to me because that’s
what group therapy was for me I no
longer felt like an anomaly I was with
people who knew exactly what it felt
like to be depressed and I realized that
there were more people who needed it who
needed to express themselves because
they needed that companionship and
that’s how one in 20 was born one in 20
is the gathering of people who have been
touched by mental illness whether you
are a sufferer or a caregiver a suicide
survivor or a loss survivor one in 20 is
a space for people to express themselves
free of judgment and free of stigma it
was essentially an experiment on empathy
and self-expression that would live on
social media and one of the submissions
that really stuck with me
was Ehrich submission and it was a
series of questions about his son Joshua
who he lost at the age of three and I’m
gonna read you a few lines from Eric’s
submission if I had gone to his room
five minutes early would he still be
there is it okay to go days at a time
and not think about him is it okay for
me to be so happy in life how do I
answer a stranger who asks how many
children I have Eric’s story resonated
with me because it made me feel guilty
as much as I love my children as scared
I am to have the experience that Eric
had for some reason I felt trapped in
this world that I was in I was now a new
mother of two I had left-footed
journalism I sold all my cameras that
purpose that I thought I had so coffee
as a 20 year old was no longer and I was
lost and I was navigating motherhood and
a culture that really didn’t practice it
as a communal effort I didn’t have my
camera but I still had my phone because
this is past 2000 Maryam yeh iPhone
technology so I went back to what I knew
how did you the only thing I really knew
how to do which was tell stories and I
documented but my world was dark even
play time with Captain America and
Wolverine was dark naptime was lonely
my world was still hazy and even
nighttime routines like brushing their
teeth was an arduous task but inspired
by one in 20 I decided not just to
document what I was going through but I
wanted to share it to the world I was
reaching out for a community who could
understand what it was like to be a
parent or to be a caregiver and know
what the loneliness was like to be in
constant anxiety of the safety of your
children to know what the growing pains
of a marriage looks like you know when I
was sick in 2008 spud was with me all
the time and I had another dog wheat and
I had no idea where we was no idea I
just thought he didn’t care because he
was a dog after all and it wasn’t until
after his last breath when I heard my
husband wail I turned around and he was
collapsed and I realized though he
wasn’t with me because we was taking
care of
so I did it again I forgot to say thank
you again and how do you parent during
that time when your body is so wracked
with guilt that you can barely function
what these dates your seven year old how
do you explain to him to just embrace
death as a part of life how do you face
your own mortality and his when he said
to mommy I don’t want to die I don’t
want to die because if I die my eyes
will die and if my eyes die I will no
longer see you and if I don’t see you
I’ll forget you and if I forget you I’ll
stop loving you and I just cannot stop
loving you mommy
what do you say so I reached out I
reached out to my community of parents
and somehow the fog lifted and I started
seeing light all over again for some of
you who are photographers that’s a big
thing and I started appreciating my
children for the little people that they
were becoming they started to talk and
reason and they were actually really
funny I even enjoyed the quiet
I’m marvel about how strange they were
like really strange
I wasn’t as rattled by the cries anymore
because they were normally in costumes
when that happened and that health and I
brushed off a lot some of the daily
challenges I even owned this new
identity that I had I was no longer the
dark brooding artist I was now the mom
who thought cheesy yearbook photos were
really really cool and I started to see
my husband again not just as a father
but as my life partner and I soaked them
all yeah and it took a really long time
to heal but it wasn’t as daunting
because I knew that I was going through
this journey with a community behind me
thank you
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
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