it was 6:30 a.m. on February the 13th
the day before Valentine’s Day my then
four-year-old son and I were at Heathrow
Airport about to travel to Israel his
great-grandmother was celebrating a
milestone birthday and we were in
duty-free looking for some jewelry
my son eventually picked a gorgeous
diamond pendant necklace
the salesperson turned to him and said
what a beautiful choice your mother is
going to absolutely love this
my son paused looked at her as if she
had two heads and eventually said I
don’t have a mother
and with that he ran off to look at
something at a nearby display in near
tears the salesperson turned to me and
said I’m so sorry
1 did your wife passed away turn out
I’ve been up since 4:00 a.m. and thought
I’d done brilliant only in one cup of
coffee small child in tow in getting us
to the airport
through check-in and security now I
faced a dilemma
did I come out gay did I explain that I
adopted with my now ex-husband did I
share that I am in fact a single parent
when you guys saw me here today did any
of you think that I could be a divorced
single gay dad I suspect not I was as
invisible to you today as I was to that
salesperson at the airport authenticity
isn’t possible not for me and not for
you our invisibility stands in the way
what I mean is that all you ever see is
a facade a combination of what I am
willing to share overpowered by your own
preconceived notions stereotypes and
biases but since the 80s diversity
initiatives have suggested that
authenticity is achievable I summarize
their approach with an equation
diversity plus inclusion equals
authenticity does it though
I am diverse most people I meet say they
are inclusive but I am rarely authentic
and in fact more often than not I am
invisible the equation doesn’t add up
so back to my story Heathrow Airport
duty-free 6:30 a.m. with me dire need of
a cup of coffee and my son about to run
through the airport I had two choices I
could a continue to leave the facade
created by the salesperson own
preconceived notions and assumptions or
be I could start over sharing a lot of
personal details about my private life
with a complete stranger all in an
effort to show the real authentic me
well I copped out I smiled politely
after a rap the necklace and off I went
after my son but why I said the
authenticity equation is broken it’s
more than that the organizational
response to diversity actually kills
authenticity rather than Foster’s it
does it matter well it does if we’re
going to respond to a rapidly changing
demographic according to a Deloitte
study Millennials those born between
1980 and 1995 will make up 75% of the
workforce in the next eight years unlike
my generation Millennials don’t think of
diversity as a reference to
characteristics such as race or gender
sexuality or religion instead
Millennials focus amongst other things
on the acceptance of individualism
individualism in my view is
interchangeable with authenticity so
while the current model sees
authenticity is the end result of
inclusive diversity practices we need to
instead support a new majority that sees
authenticity as the starting point so
how do current diversity and inclusion
programs actually smother off in this
city any model that singles people out
for being black LGBT female you choose
the category goes against the very grain
and nature of inclusion
instead it fosters an environment of
ghettoization pigeonholing and
stereotyping I don’t fit into a single
box no one does and that multiplicity is
something that diversity and inclusion
programs fail to acknowledge if we are
going to accept authenticity than we
need to accept the individual and
individuals of diverse for a host of
reasons I recently met Mary she’s a 42
year old single black lesbian mother to
two teenagers she is Muslim and she has
a career in finance Mary takes a lot of
diversity boxes she could join any other
host of her employers diversity support
groups the black network the Women’s
Network the LGBT network but each one
only represents a small part of who she
is
if authenticity is about bringing your
whole self to the table what do all
these segregated networks aim to achieve
Mary can’t be herself in any of them and
even if she had the time to join them
all how are these networks meant to work
in tandem the answer is they can’t they
don’t instead they work in isolation and
they highlight difference and the minute
we start putting people into boxes we
start allowing preconceived notions and
assumptions and biases to cloud how we
view an individual remember my supposed
dead wife when I was young I remember
going into Toys R Us and seeing these
long shelves of Barbie dolls do you
remember those dolls that were always
dressed for a special occasion or
environment or a different situation I
sometimes laugh but I’m like a Barbie
doll my two via dolls would take up an
entire shelf there’d be corporate Tuvia
and charity Tuvia Papa Tuvia family
Tuvia Fitness Tuvia party Tuvia but
together they would create authentic
Tuvia now if you considered one of those
Tuvia dolls in isolation you would
naturally judge me and
consciously or subconsciously create a
mental picture about Who I am but each
one of us each one of you is a diverse
multifaceted creature that is the beauty
of individualism the danger comes an
assumption and bias when I started the
school run the rumor mill was ripe it
started with all this talk about what my
wife’s high power job could be such that
the dad was doing the school run next
when my ex-husband appeared clearly we
were a very progressive family for
having hired a Manny next when the
actual nanny appeared a twenty-something
blonde Eastern European woman well I was
having a midlife crisis and it just
turned my wife in for a younger model
now I didn’t take the opportunity to
overshare details of my life with any of
the parents but nor did any of those
parents ever stopped to ask me a
question the net result was that their
heteronormative assumptions of the world
became my reality my entire life was
assumed and no one had ever asked me a
single question perhaps asking a
question is just too uncomfortable the
school gate scenario example applies
equally in the workplace the
establishment of diversity networks
fosters an all-too-common assumption
that everyone within a silo is exactly
the same it means that those on the
outside don’t ever need to get to know
anyone because they think they already
know who they are simply given their
membership in the particular diversity
group and that membership isn’t by
choice but it happens automatically in
the outsiders mind should Mary join the
LGBT network or the black network or the
Women’s Network simply because that is
where she should fit in each one of
those networks simply highlights Mary
for being different
each creates a Barbie doll effect
authenticity will never happen if we are
not prepared to get to know the real
Mary or the real me or the real you for
that matter
and getting to know someone to that
degree is going to take time and time is
not a commodity that many of us have
more importantly it’s gonna require each
one of us to start sharing a lot of
personal details about ourselves now
that might not be something I feel
comfortable doing more so it might not
be something you feel comfortable
hearing because it may very well
challenge your own innate assumptions
and biases ultimately being authentic is
going to be awkward for you and me I
will put my hands up and admit that even
I have sometimes stereotyped and
pigeon-holed and allowed my preconceived
notions to take over a few months ago in
the lead up to LGBT Pride my son and I
were discussing the importance of pride
I focused on the fact that we were an
LGBT family the conversation did not go
as expected at all my son said there are
only two gay people in my family the
majority are straight why do we have to
call it LGBT he had a point the second
and more challenging was his assertion
that I I was not accepting of diversity
he said if I’m wearing a t-shirt that
says I am proud of you for being gay
where’s your t-shirt that says you are
proud of me for being mixed-race why are
we talking about celebrating diversity
and only talking about LGBT I made two
mistakes and continuing that
conversation first I said that weekend
was about celebrating LGBT pride and
that we would celebrate his mixed rich
heritage during Black History Month
second
I myself failed to acknowledge my son’s
multifaceted diversity and I then
allowed my own preconceived notion to
apply thinking that having two gay dads
would be more defining to his authentic
identity than being mixed-race so there
you have it that’s the problem but there
is a solution and it’s elementary
simplicity may make some people think
that it’s just not achievable first
things first
break down silos don’t foster an
environment of ghettoization that
facilitates the making of common
assumptions second become a champion of
diversity as a whole
don’t just be an LGBT champion for
example because as an LGBT champion I
would assume indulge me for a moment
that you would still champion for the
rights of women and other visible
minorities and finally once we bring
authenticity alive and bring it out
don’t smother it and put it back in the
closet consider what happens in
businesses during end of your appraisal
and promotion cycles our managers
working with a predefined notion of
candidacy that is just too rigid to
accommodate individualism
if so authenticity by default becomes a
bad thing and we reward people better
for being a stereotype after 30 years of
the same there is hope Millennials are
pioneering a new way of thinking and
each one of you can help expedite change
by grasping on to that mindset we
started with an equation that was broken
I’d like to leave you with a different
one instead authenticity equals
surrender me surrendering to the
awkwardness of over sharing you
surrendering your preconceived notions
and assumptions to get to know the real
me
let’s have real conversations with real
authentic people I know it sounds basic
but basic is okay and having those
conversations will mean asking some
uncomfortable questions as I said before
being authentic is going to be awkward
for you and for me
and most importantly it’ll require each
one of us each one of you to admit and
acknowledge that today you are each
invisible to each other and perhaps even
to yourselves I say enough is enough
stand up and start the journey of
unveiling yourselves
you
the day before Valentine’s Day my then
four-year-old son and I were at Heathrow
Airport about to travel to Israel his
great-grandmother was celebrating a
milestone birthday and we were in
duty-free looking for some jewelry
my son eventually picked a gorgeous
diamond pendant necklace
the salesperson turned to him and said
what a beautiful choice your mother is
going to absolutely love this
my son paused looked at her as if she
had two heads and eventually said I
don’t have a mother
and with that he ran off to look at
something at a nearby display in near
tears the salesperson turned to me and
said I’m so sorry
1 did your wife passed away turn out
I’ve been up since 4:00 a.m. and thought
I’d done brilliant only in one cup of
coffee small child in tow in getting us
to the airport
through check-in and security now I
faced a dilemma
did I come out gay did I explain that I
adopted with my now ex-husband did I
share that I am in fact a single parent
when you guys saw me here today did any
of you think that I could be a divorced
single gay dad I suspect not I was as
invisible to you today as I was to that
salesperson at the airport authenticity
isn’t possible not for me and not for
you our invisibility stands in the way
what I mean is that all you ever see is
a facade a combination of what I am
willing to share overpowered by your own
preconceived notions stereotypes and
biases but since the 80s diversity
initiatives have suggested that
authenticity is achievable I summarize
their approach with an equation
diversity plus inclusion equals
authenticity does it though
I am diverse most people I meet say they
are inclusive but I am rarely authentic
and in fact more often than not I am
invisible the equation doesn’t add up
so back to my story Heathrow Airport
duty-free 6:30 a.m. with me dire need of
a cup of coffee and my son about to run
through the airport I had two choices I
could a continue to leave the facade
created by the salesperson own
preconceived notions and assumptions or
be I could start over sharing a lot of
personal details about my private life
with a complete stranger all in an
effort to show the real authentic me
well I copped out I smiled politely
after a rap the necklace and off I went
after my son but why I said the
authenticity equation is broken it’s
more than that the organizational
response to diversity actually kills
authenticity rather than Foster’s it
does it matter well it does if we’re
going to respond to a rapidly changing
demographic according to a Deloitte
study Millennials those born between
1980 and 1995 will make up 75% of the
workforce in the next eight years unlike
my generation Millennials don’t think of
diversity as a reference to
characteristics such as race or gender
sexuality or religion instead
Millennials focus amongst other things
on the acceptance of individualism
individualism in my view is
interchangeable with authenticity so
while the current model sees
authenticity is the end result of
inclusive diversity practices we need to
instead support a new majority that sees
authenticity as the starting point so
how do current diversity and inclusion
programs actually smother off in this
city any model that singles people out
for being black LGBT female you choose
the category goes against the very grain
and nature of inclusion
instead it fosters an environment of
ghettoization pigeonholing and
stereotyping I don’t fit into a single
box no one does and that multiplicity is
something that diversity and inclusion
programs fail to acknowledge if we are
going to accept authenticity than we
need to accept the individual and
individuals of diverse for a host of
reasons I recently met Mary she’s a 42
year old single black lesbian mother to
two teenagers she is Muslim and she has
a career in finance Mary takes a lot of
diversity boxes she could join any other
host of her employers diversity support
groups the black network the Women’s
Network the LGBT network but each one
only represents a small part of who she
is
if authenticity is about bringing your
whole self to the table what do all
these segregated networks aim to achieve
Mary can’t be herself in any of them and
even if she had the time to join them
all how are these networks meant to work
in tandem the answer is they can’t they
don’t instead they work in isolation and
they highlight difference and the minute
we start putting people into boxes we
start allowing preconceived notions and
assumptions and biases to cloud how we
view an individual remember my supposed
dead wife when I was young I remember
going into Toys R Us and seeing these
long shelves of Barbie dolls do you
remember those dolls that were always
dressed for a special occasion or
environment or a different situation I
sometimes laugh but I’m like a Barbie
doll my two via dolls would take up an
entire shelf there’d be corporate Tuvia
and charity Tuvia Papa Tuvia family
Tuvia Fitness Tuvia party Tuvia but
together they would create authentic
Tuvia now if you considered one of those
Tuvia dolls in isolation you would
naturally judge me and
consciously or subconsciously create a
mental picture about Who I am but each
one of us each one of you is a diverse
multifaceted creature that is the beauty
of individualism the danger comes an
assumption and bias when I started the
school run the rumor mill was ripe it
started with all this talk about what my
wife’s high power job could be such that
the dad was doing the school run next
when my ex-husband appeared clearly we
were a very progressive family for
having hired a Manny next when the
actual nanny appeared a twenty-something
blonde Eastern European woman well I was
having a midlife crisis and it just
turned my wife in for a younger model
now I didn’t take the opportunity to
overshare details of my life with any of
the parents but nor did any of those
parents ever stopped to ask me a
question the net result was that their
heteronormative assumptions of the world
became my reality my entire life was
assumed and no one had ever asked me a
single question perhaps asking a
question is just too uncomfortable the
school gate scenario example applies
equally in the workplace the
establishment of diversity networks
fosters an all-too-common assumption
that everyone within a silo is exactly
the same it means that those on the
outside don’t ever need to get to know
anyone because they think they already
know who they are simply given their
membership in the particular diversity
group and that membership isn’t by
choice but it happens automatically in
the outsiders mind should Mary join the
LGBT network or the black network or the
Women’s Network simply because that is
where she should fit in each one of
those networks simply highlights Mary
for being different
each creates a Barbie doll effect
authenticity will never happen if we are
not prepared to get to know the real
Mary or the real me or the real you for
that matter
and getting to know someone to that
degree is going to take time and time is
not a commodity that many of us have
more importantly it’s gonna require each
one of us to start sharing a lot of
personal details about ourselves now
that might not be something I feel
comfortable doing more so it might not
be something you feel comfortable
hearing because it may very well
challenge your own innate assumptions
and biases ultimately being authentic is
going to be awkward for you and me I
will put my hands up and admit that even
I have sometimes stereotyped and
pigeon-holed and allowed my preconceived
notions to take over a few months ago in
the lead up to LGBT Pride my son and I
were discussing the importance of pride
I focused on the fact that we were an
LGBT family the conversation did not go
as expected at all my son said there are
only two gay people in my family the
majority are straight why do we have to
call it LGBT he had a point the second
and more challenging was his assertion
that I I was not accepting of diversity
he said if I’m wearing a t-shirt that
says I am proud of you for being gay
where’s your t-shirt that says you are
proud of me for being mixed-race why are
we talking about celebrating diversity
and only talking about LGBT I made two
mistakes and continuing that
conversation first I said that weekend
was about celebrating LGBT pride and
that we would celebrate his mixed rich
heritage during Black History Month
second
I myself failed to acknowledge my son’s
multifaceted diversity and I then
allowed my own preconceived notion to
apply thinking that having two gay dads
would be more defining to his authentic
identity than being mixed-race so there
you have it that’s the problem but there
is a solution and it’s elementary
simplicity may make some people think
that it’s just not achievable first
things first
break down silos don’t foster an
environment of ghettoization that
facilitates the making of common
assumptions second become a champion of
diversity as a whole
don’t just be an LGBT champion for
example because as an LGBT champion I
would assume indulge me for a moment
that you would still champion for the
rights of women and other visible
minorities and finally once we bring
authenticity alive and bring it out
don’t smother it and put it back in the
closet consider what happens in
businesses during end of your appraisal
and promotion cycles our managers
working with a predefined notion of
candidacy that is just too rigid to
accommodate individualism
if so authenticity by default becomes a
bad thing and we reward people better
for being a stereotype after 30 years of
the same there is hope Millennials are
pioneering a new way of thinking and
each one of you can help expedite change
by grasping on to that mindset we
started with an equation that was broken
I’d like to leave you with a different
one instead authenticity equals
surrender me surrendering to the
awkwardness of over sharing you
surrendering your preconceived notions
and assumptions to get to know the real
me
let’s have real conversations with real
authentic people I know it sounds basic
but basic is okay and having those
conversations will mean asking some
uncomfortable questions as I said before
being authentic is going to be awkward
for you and for me
and most importantly it’ll require each
one of us each one of you to admit and
acknowledge that today you are each
invisible to each other and perhaps even
to yourselves I say enough is enough
stand up and start the journey of
unveiling yourselves
you
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