picture yourself sitting at the edge of
a bed your whole life is about to change
the air that surrounds you is warm yet
the forecast keeps calling for winter
time you get dressed but you feel as if
nothing you put on is going to hide the
monsters that have plagued you for what
you keep trying to lie to yourself has
only been a few weeks yet you know it
has been years there is going to be a
funeral soon your dreams and aspirations
will be in coffins the terms in your
vernacular will no longer carry a
resemblance of the day before you will
only know there is something new to come
now when your eyes hi my name is Jasper
Vanitas I am an fau student I am an
elite our leadership and service
ambassador I am an fau red jacket but I
am also something which not many people
say proudly I am diagnosed with bipolar
disorder the number of my disorder in
the diagnostic and statistical manual of
mental health disorders is 29 6.64 let
me repeat that for you to 96.6 for
everything that I am everything that I
do could be attributed to one number
that is five digits long yet this is not
what happens it is because all of my
disorder leads to the way I am I do not
allow it to dictate who I am nor my
level of success but before I explain to
you how I’ve conquered my disorder I’m
going to share with you to the story of
how I came to my diagnosis and the
things I lost as a result of being
diagnosed since I was a child I knew I
wanted to work in a profession that was
tasked with serving the public in an
honorable way for a long time i
associated honor with danger and believe
that becoming a police officer would
fulfill my childhood
i er as I got older I got closer to that
dream I earned A’s and B’s in my
freshman year of classes received
employment at my University’s Police
Department enlisted in the Army National
Guard and networked in such ways that i
was already receiving job offers from
police departments across the country
but that would be sure lives soon
everything I had worked for would be
meaningless the tides of my life were
creating a shoreline that was impossible
to reach it was during my sophomore year
of college where the division between
what was and what would be began that
year is divided into two parts fall and
spring and in those two parts comes two
completely different lives in fall of
2013 I began a relationship that changed
the course of my life forever I lived
with her and for a time she was what
heals me but that would not be for long
soon the end would come and I will leave
being told I had lied about Who I am I
would leave in a car and end up on a bed
with an IV attached to my arm and a
family torn at the sentence they had
avoided for years this dramatic exit
marks my entrance into a lifelong
journey of recovery on january twenty
eight twenty fourteen i admitted myself
to the boca raton Regional Hospital
under what is known as a baker act in
order to do this I had to answer yes to
the following question are you suicidal
at the time my suicidal feelings were
not as potent as in times prior but I
knew this was the only way to receive
immediate medical attention so with some
hesitation still looming I answered yes
and it’s led to my eventual transfer to
the st. Mary’s mental health unit during
my 72 hours at st. Mary’s I came to
terms of what I had done and all of the
consequences it would bring
I came to accept that there was going to
be a new way of life upon my release
from the hospital and that I was going
to have to adapt to it I also came to
understand that in this new way of life
there was going to be dreams aspirations
and goals which I can no longer claim
upon my release from the hospital I took
with me a stack of paperwork that
highlighted my new life on January 31st
2014 I walked out of those hospital
doors with bottles of prescription
medication doctor’s appointments and a
laundry list of no mores no more could I
be a police officer no more could I
serve in the army but nestled amongst
those no mores which i highly dislike I
found one that I treasured no more what
I suffer without a label at least now
when I suffered it would have a name
bipolar disorder I now had a label
although it seemed more like a sentence
that was tailored to me bipolar disorder
type 1 mixed severe with psychotic
features also known as two 96.6 for
these few words put together have
changed the course of my life forever
and it is because of this that I believe
in the importance of words words have
the power to build or to destroy which
one they achieve is dependent on a
person speaking them into existence this
notion that the power of words lies in
the mouth of a person is precisely what
has paved my way to success my success
is possible because I chose to build
with words rather than the story I chose
to not allow these words that were
spoken through neutral mouths to destroy
me they could have easily been the
reason I stopped trying in life after
all these few words put together had
taken away my ability to achieve in
success in the one field I wanted I
could have taken that as an indicator
that it was only a matter of time before
my disorder took away my ability
to achieve another much wanted
aspiration instead I chose to build my
life around these words I chose to make
these words the framework with which I
built my life I chose to make my
disorder a lifelong partner in my quest
for success but in order for
construction to be completed
successfully and our partnership to work
I did have to understand five things
number one it does not stop existing I
understand that my disorder does not
stop existing simply because i am not
having an episode me feeling better does
not mean i am cured and i can all all of
a sudden stop taking my medication
recovery is a daily accomplishment which
must be actively work towards i have to
keep in mind that episodes can occur at
a moment’s notice and this has led me to
defining that being cognizant of the
fragility of stability is the best way
to remain prepared number two I must
respect it I constantly remind myself of
my disorders ability to destroy because
maintaining a healthy respect for my
disorder is crucial to successfully
conquering life with it I must remember
that my disorder can cause me to suffer
a great deal pain when I am going
through an episode remembering this
ensures that i do not trigger an episode
for foolish reasons that could have
easily been avoided number three I have
limits I acknowledge the limits that my
disorder presents to my human experience
I then circumvent these limits by
redirecting my focus to items in which
my disorder does not limit me in it is
healthy to accept your limits and strive
for items which you can actually
accomplish I do not allow myself to live
believing that
I’m limitless but I also do not allow my
limits to dictate my level of success
number for my disorder is not an excuse
all of my behavior can be explained by
my disorder is never okay for me to use
my disorder as an excuse for my behavior
I must keep myself accountable for the
ways I behave because my disorder does
not give me the excuse to hurt myself or
others number five my mental health
comes first I have learned to live in a
way in which i find the methods to
leading a meaningful life all the while
keeping my mental health at the
forefront of my decisions I now put my
mental health before anything that I
want because there was a time when I did
the reverse it is because of that time
and the damage it caused in my life that
I have learned to realize that what i
need is far more important than what i
want i must remind you there are two
courses of actions you can take when you
are diagnosed let it destroy you or use
it to build your life and if you are
living with a mental health disorder I
now want to challenge you in four ways I
challenge you to not let it destroy you
I challenge you to make your disorder a
lifelong partner I challenge you to view
your disorder and your limits as terms
and conditions for your life and finally
I challenge you to not let your disorder
they find the way you treat yourself or
others and if you remember just one
thing from my story let it be this I am
conquering life with bipolar disorder thank you