when I was 34 I had a great job as a
sales rep making twice the money as I
did the year before I was spoiling my
mother with expensive gifts and I
purchased a brand new blue sports car
one evening standing in front of a
closet full of expensive clothes and
literally a hundred and fifty pairs of
shoes but I didn’t have a thing to wear
the outfit I was searching for couldn’t
be too conservative or too sexy now I
wish I could tell you I was getting
ready for a really hot date but the
truth I was looking for the perfect
outfit to wear as I killed myself
throwing clothes everywhere screaming I
don’t want to die I’m broken and I need
to be fixed
I remember the suicide hot light on TV
and I reached for the phone again and
again and finally I dial the man who
answers is calming gentle and I feel
safe whispering I was sexually abused as
a child for years and I’ve never told
anyone he allowed me to speak without
interruption or judgment and when I
finished he said congratulations I am
proud of you and your courage to share
your story congratulations
it’s not what I expected to hear
they say your secrets make you sick mine
was almost lethal it’s not stranger
danger you as you may think
93% of molesters abuse children that
they know it was my big brother who
stole my innocence studies find that
there are about 62,000 cases of child
sexual abuse reported every year but
what is truly disturbing is that the
experts agree that for every one report
to go unreported the overall conclusion
of that is that there are roughly 42
million adult survivors in the United
States you may be wondering why children
and later adults don’t tell well there’s
good reason for this after that phone
call I went into counseling the ladies
in the group were of all ages status and
ethnicities and sadly the consequences
of their telling were disastrous I
discovered some of my sisters survivors
weren’t believed many were blamed and
then punished kicked out of their home
or forced to run away to escape while
the fathers uncles brothers cousins
mothers committing these atrocities were
allowed to remain in the home but when I
told my mother she was devastated
guilt-ridden she understood why I was
afraid to tell she validated the
strength that took to hide what I’d gone
through I never confronted him she did
and he since passed and I’m fortunate
that my mother and other siblings and
later my husband believed me they
listened to my story they allowed me to
speak and they listened without
interruption or judgment and they
supported me in getting help it turns
out this is an uncommon
action now I know it’s difficult to hear
stories about child sexual abuse I get
that and I believe that most people who
hear our stories want to be supportive
but another reason that victims don’t
share is the things that people say and
one way that happens is what dr. Brene
brown terms uncomfortable sympathy
that’s when somebody tells you something
shocking like that I’ve been sexually
abused as a child and you’re not sure
what to say
one common response oh you poor thing
we’ll just don’t let your past define
you over and over I hear why don’t you
just get over it
you talk too much about it you need to
stop talking about it you will hurt your
business if people find out I will never
stop talking about it just ask my
husband negative statements are really
unconscious bullying they may be well
intended but they can they make us feel
unworthy of support and they contribute
to our shame I’m asked why didn’t you
stop him why didn’t you tell but
questions like that imply that the
victim is responsible for stopping these
crimes he was the adult I was only four
years old I had no language for what was
happening we didn’t choose to be victims
but we are revitalized when we are
intimidated out of sharing conscious and
unconscious bullying keep many survivors
from telling and many are too ashamed to
seek help child sexual abuse going
untreated can have devastating effects
research shows that this hiding this
horrible truth can cause chronic illness
devastating psychological emotional and
sociological effects
imagine your loved one hiding a horrible
secret like that for almost 70 years
when I hired a friend to design the
cover of my memoir his puppet no more he
was so excited he shared the news with
his mother
she sat silent for a few moments with
tears in her eyes she whispered that
happened to me too I was 9 it was my
uncle’s well he was shocked devastated
he didn’t know what to say or do so he
hugged her and loved her and told her
how much he loved her the next time we
spoke I asked about his mother and after
she shared her secret remember to a
loving positive reaction that gave her
the courage to tell her family doctor
who had been treating her migraines for
years at 86
she’s smiling a lot more these days and
the best news is her migraines have
nearly disappeared if we can’t speak our
truth the pain is going to be released
somewhere or we find coping mechanisms
such as drugs or a life of crime did you
know that 84 percent of prison inmates
have been abused as children and 75
percent of women entering treatment
programs report having been sexually
abused I was invited to speak at a
women’s prison and the act of telling my
story and others seemed to give those
women permission to tell theirs crying
one inmate than another stood and shared
her secret for the very first time
doesn’t it make you wonder what
different paths their life may have
taken
had they been encouraged to speak their
truth before that day I was given the
opportunity to share my truth on Oprah
and the world it was one of the scariest
things I have ever done but I had to do
it
because I grew tired of being ashamed of
a crime that I did not commit and I am
determined to be a voice for those who
have not found theirs because I know
that remaining silent does not work if
healing begins by telling then we must
make telling safe and you can help what
I believe first saved me from suicide
and then kept me determined to get fixed
is what I call the praise approach what
do you think would happen if we
immediately offer praise and
encouragement as survival as
accomplished as an accomplishment yes
after speaking events women and men come
up in hushed voices and they share their
secrets so I began to test this process
using positive statements and the
results have been astonishing not long
ago a young lady approached me
whispering that happened to me too
I listened without interruption or
judgment and then I congratulated her
courage and strength to persevere
clearly that’s not what she expected to
hear wiping away her tears she stood
straighter and started smiling
her last email she’s in counseling and
on the way to recovery it’s imperative
that you and I be aware of how we react
and speak to survivors to encourage
positive steps forward it was hard to
make that call years ago because I was
taught that asking for help is a
weakness but that man on the phone
assured me that there is nothing
shameful about asking for help
he called me brave and for the first
time instead of being ashamed I was just
a little bit proud of myself
he helped me reframe my beliefs and as I
studied the attributes of survival I
found that it highlights courage
strength tenacity perseverance these are
the successful coping strategies of
resilient victims if we can help
survivors accept what has happened help
them be proud of their survival traits
help them focus on the strengths that
help them persevere during and after
what they’ve experienced this can aid in
the healing process
now the preys approach is not limited to
use for child sexual abuse is there any
unspoken shame living in you a friend I
confided in snapped why don’t you just
get over it already a month later she
found out her husband was having an
affair I knew that telling her to just
get over it was not what she needed to
hear she was broken she contemplated
suicide I listened
without interruption or judgment and I
encouraged her to seek help
feeling broken suicidal is not limited
to the traumas of child sexual abuse in
my research I discovered a philosophy
that I show to those who feel broken and
it’s called ginzu chi have you heard
this
it’s a Japanese art of repairing pottery
with gold instead it restores the object
instead of discarding it highlighting
its flaws and making it even more
valuable we must encourage these
precious souls that they are not broken
beyond repair how you and I react and
speak to survivors can make a difference
in whether we shut down or get help we
use congratulations every day to express
praise for an achievement I think that
you’ll agree that the atrocity survivors
have lived through is quite an
achievement and worthy of praise and
just imagine this if you and I make it
safe to tell now future generations of
children will be spared from having
these stories to tell
sales rep making twice the money as I
did the year before I was spoiling my
mother with expensive gifts and I
purchased a brand new blue sports car
one evening standing in front of a
closet full of expensive clothes and
literally a hundred and fifty pairs of
shoes but I didn’t have a thing to wear
the outfit I was searching for couldn’t
be too conservative or too sexy now I
wish I could tell you I was getting
ready for a really hot date but the
truth I was looking for the perfect
outfit to wear as I killed myself
throwing clothes everywhere screaming I
don’t want to die I’m broken and I need
to be fixed
I remember the suicide hot light on TV
and I reached for the phone again and
again and finally I dial the man who
answers is calming gentle and I feel
safe whispering I was sexually abused as
a child for years and I’ve never told
anyone he allowed me to speak without
interruption or judgment and when I
finished he said congratulations I am
proud of you and your courage to share
your story congratulations
it’s not what I expected to hear
they say your secrets make you sick mine
was almost lethal it’s not stranger
danger you as you may think
93% of molesters abuse children that
they know it was my big brother who
stole my innocence studies find that
there are about 62,000 cases of child
sexual abuse reported every year but
what is truly disturbing is that the
experts agree that for every one report
to go unreported the overall conclusion
of that is that there are roughly 42
million adult survivors in the United
States you may be wondering why children
and later adults don’t tell well there’s
good reason for this after that phone
call I went into counseling the ladies
in the group were of all ages status and
ethnicities and sadly the consequences
of their telling were disastrous I
discovered some of my sisters survivors
weren’t believed many were blamed and
then punished kicked out of their home
or forced to run away to escape while
the fathers uncles brothers cousins
mothers committing these atrocities were
allowed to remain in the home but when I
told my mother she was devastated
guilt-ridden she understood why I was
afraid to tell she validated the
strength that took to hide what I’d gone
through I never confronted him she did
and he since passed and I’m fortunate
that my mother and other siblings and
later my husband believed me they
listened to my story they allowed me to
speak and they listened without
interruption or judgment and they
supported me in getting help it turns
out this is an uncommon
action now I know it’s difficult to hear
stories about child sexual abuse I get
that and I believe that most people who
hear our stories want to be supportive
but another reason that victims don’t
share is the things that people say and
one way that happens is what dr. Brene
brown terms uncomfortable sympathy
that’s when somebody tells you something
shocking like that I’ve been sexually
abused as a child and you’re not sure
what to say
one common response oh you poor thing
we’ll just don’t let your past define
you over and over I hear why don’t you
just get over it
you talk too much about it you need to
stop talking about it you will hurt your
business if people find out I will never
stop talking about it just ask my
husband negative statements are really
unconscious bullying they may be well
intended but they can they make us feel
unworthy of support and they contribute
to our shame I’m asked why didn’t you
stop him why didn’t you tell but
questions like that imply that the
victim is responsible for stopping these
crimes he was the adult I was only four
years old I had no language for what was
happening we didn’t choose to be victims
but we are revitalized when we are
intimidated out of sharing conscious and
unconscious bullying keep many survivors
from telling and many are too ashamed to
seek help child sexual abuse going
untreated can have devastating effects
research shows that this hiding this
horrible truth can cause chronic illness
devastating psychological emotional and
sociological effects
imagine your loved one hiding a horrible
secret like that for almost 70 years
when I hired a friend to design the
cover of my memoir his puppet no more he
was so excited he shared the news with
his mother
she sat silent for a few moments with
tears in her eyes she whispered that
happened to me too I was 9 it was my
uncle’s well he was shocked devastated
he didn’t know what to say or do so he
hugged her and loved her and told her
how much he loved her the next time we
spoke I asked about his mother and after
she shared her secret remember to a
loving positive reaction that gave her
the courage to tell her family doctor
who had been treating her migraines for
years at 86
she’s smiling a lot more these days and
the best news is her migraines have
nearly disappeared if we can’t speak our
truth the pain is going to be released
somewhere or we find coping mechanisms
such as drugs or a life of crime did you
know that 84 percent of prison inmates
have been abused as children and 75
percent of women entering treatment
programs report having been sexually
abused I was invited to speak at a
women’s prison and the act of telling my
story and others seemed to give those
women permission to tell theirs crying
one inmate than another stood and shared
her secret for the very first time
doesn’t it make you wonder what
different paths their life may have
taken
had they been encouraged to speak their
truth before that day I was given the
opportunity to share my truth on Oprah
and the world it was one of the scariest
things I have ever done but I had to do
it
because I grew tired of being ashamed of
a crime that I did not commit and I am
determined to be a voice for those who
have not found theirs because I know
that remaining silent does not work if
healing begins by telling then we must
make telling safe and you can help what
I believe first saved me from suicide
and then kept me determined to get fixed
is what I call the praise approach what
do you think would happen if we
immediately offer praise and
encouragement as survival as
accomplished as an accomplishment yes
after speaking events women and men come
up in hushed voices and they share their
secrets so I began to test this process
using positive statements and the
results have been astonishing not long
ago a young lady approached me
whispering that happened to me too
I listened without interruption or
judgment and then I congratulated her
courage and strength to persevere
clearly that’s not what she expected to
hear wiping away her tears she stood
straighter and started smiling
her last email she’s in counseling and
on the way to recovery it’s imperative
that you and I be aware of how we react
and speak to survivors to encourage
positive steps forward it was hard to
make that call years ago because I was
taught that asking for help is a
weakness but that man on the phone
assured me that there is nothing
shameful about asking for help
he called me brave and for the first
time instead of being ashamed I was just
a little bit proud of myself
he helped me reframe my beliefs and as I
studied the attributes of survival I
found that it highlights courage
strength tenacity perseverance these are
the successful coping strategies of
resilient victims if we can help
survivors accept what has happened help
them be proud of their survival traits
help them focus on the strengths that
help them persevere during and after
what they’ve experienced this can aid in
the healing process
now the preys approach is not limited to
use for child sexual abuse is there any
unspoken shame living in you a friend I
confided in snapped why don’t you just
get over it already a month later she
found out her husband was having an
affair I knew that telling her to just
get over it was not what she needed to
hear she was broken she contemplated
suicide I listened
without interruption or judgment and I
encouraged her to seek help
feeling broken suicidal is not limited
to the traumas of child sexual abuse in
my research I discovered a philosophy
that I show to those who feel broken and
it’s called ginzu chi have you heard
this
it’s a Japanese art of repairing pottery
with gold instead it restores the object
instead of discarding it highlighting
its flaws and making it even more
valuable we must encourage these
precious souls that they are not broken
beyond repair how you and I react and
speak to survivors can make a difference
in whether we shut down or get help we
use congratulations every day to express
praise for an achievement I think that
you’ll agree that the atrocity survivors
have lived through is quite an
achievement and worthy of praise and
just imagine this if you and I make it
safe to tell now future generations of
children will be spared from having
these stories to tell
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