[Music]
[Music] [Applause]
hello now this is we say hello back so
hello now this is we say hello back so today I’ll be reading a letter that I
today I’ll be reading a letter that I
today I’ll be reading a letter that I wrote and I hope you enjoy it inside my
wrote and I hope you enjoy it inside my
wrote and I hope you enjoy it inside my head I have enough words to fill the
head I have enough words to fill the
head I have enough words to fill the Pacific Ocean in true fashion for my
Pacific Ocean in true fashion for my
Pacific Ocean in true fashion for my student lifestyle I have been staring at
student lifestyle I have been staring at
student lifestyle I have been staring at a blank page for the better part of
a blank page for the better part of
a blank page for the better part of three months trying to put those words
three months trying to put those words
three months trying to put those words onto paper but couldn’t in a fear of the
onto paper but couldn’t in a fear of the
onto paper but couldn’t in a fear of the moment when all this water spills out
moment when all this water spills out
moment when all this water spills out onto the stage floor in front of this
onto the stage floor in front of this
onto the stage floor in front of this whole auditorium I won’t be able to stop
whole auditorium I won’t be able to stop
whole auditorium I won’t be able to stop the tsunami of emotions of how together
the tsunami of emotions of how together
the tsunami of emotions of how together for 21 years brought into this world
for 21 years brought into this world
for 21 years brought into this world bearing the name Melissa Neelu hamadan
bearing the name Melissa Neelu hamadan
bearing the name Melissa Neelu hamadan Lupe a testament to both my heritage and
Lupe a testament to both my heritage and
Lupe a testament to both my heritage and ancestry dating back to that of the
ancestry dating back to that of the
ancestry dating back to that of the Lupita people yet I feel unworthy of my
Lupita people yet I feel unworthy of my
Lupita people yet I feel unworthy of my coffee stain skin full island lips brown
coffee stain skin full island lips brown
coffee stain skin full island lips brown almond shaped eyes too white to be brown
almond shaped eyes too white to be brown
almond shaped eyes too white to be brown but too Brown to be white a subcategory
but too Brown to be white a subcategory
but too Brown to be white a subcategory in Generation Y and zeal trying to fill
in Generation Y and zeal trying to fill
in Generation Y and zeal trying to fill a void of culturally and nips voices
a void of culturally and nips voices
a void of culturally and nips voices that somehow lost translation between
that somehow lost translation between
that somehow lost translation between their waist in homeland geographically
their waist in homeland geographically
their waist in homeland geographically and who they are inside ethnically I
and who they are inside ethnically I
and who they are inside ethnically I found myself questioning how do I have
found myself questioning how do I have
found myself questioning how do I have the right to stand before all of you to
the right to stand before all of you to
the right to stand before all of you to speak about finding yourself culturally
speak about finding yourself culturally
speak about finding yourself culturally in a modern day and age
in a modern day and age
in a modern day and age the reality is I internally am always in
the reality is I internally am always in
the reality is I internally am always in constant conflict of Who I am because
constant conflict of Who I am because
constant conflict of Who I am because hammer island girls do not dress like
hammer island girls do not dress like
hammer island girls do not dress like that island girls do not speak like that
that island girls do not speak like that
that island girls do not speak like that island girls do not act like that
island girls do not act like that
island girls do not act like that if Island girls are not meant to be this
if Island girls are not meant to be this
if Island girls are not meant to be this way then tell me why my tongue and
way then tell me why my tongue and
way then tell me why my tongue and father raised me with the words humma
father raised me with the words humma
father raised me with the words humma you have a voice speak your mind
you have a voice speak your mind
you have a voice speak your mind harmonized with my tongue and mother
harmonized with my tongue and mother
harmonized with my tongue and mother some of the most important thing is to
some of the most important thing is to
some of the most important thing is to be honest with yourself constantly
be honest with yourself constantly
be honest with yourself constantly drilled into my mind I have you to
drilled into my mind I have you to
drilled into my mind I have you to understand how you are so rebellious
understand how you are so rebellious
understand how you are so rebellious always going against the crowd when
always going against the crowd when
always going against the crowd when choosing to be me shouldn’t be such a
choosing to be me shouldn’t be such a
choosing to be me shouldn’t be such a lone wolf stand down
lone wolf stand down
lone wolf stand down always being told
always being told
always being told she’s Tongan but the plastic kind as if
she’s Tongan but the plastic kind as if
she’s Tongan but the plastic kind as if to say my wallet circulated
to say my wallet circulated
to say my wallet circulated western-educated hung emotionally
western-educated hung emotionally
western-educated hung emotionally outspoken mind was any least hung and in
outspoken mind was any least hung and in
outspoken mind was any least hung and in the next guy don’t get me wrong I’m
the next guy don’t get me wrong I’m
the next guy don’t get me wrong I’m deeply grateful for the privileges I am
deeply grateful for the privileges I am
deeply grateful for the privileges I am given to have grown up in a basa fika
given to have grown up in a basa fika
given to have grown up in a basa fika home within a first world nation better
home within a first world nation better
home within a first world nation better see it to be mine for the taking if this
see it to be mine for the taking if this
see it to be mine for the taking if this is true then tell me why eight-year-old
is true then tell me why eight-year-old
is true then tell me why eight-year-old hummer struggled to make friends at a
hummer struggled to make friends at a
hummer struggled to make friends at a new school dipped in so much white but
new school dipped in so much white but
new school dipped in so much white but she swore it was a cluster of stars in
she swore it was a cluster of stars in
she swore it was a cluster of stars in the Milky Way – the space for voices who
the Milky Way – the space for voices who
the Milky Way – the space for voices who were culturally confused just like mine
so they made sure it was was suppressed
so they made sure it was was suppressed stay down shut tight because no one
stay down shut tight because no one
stay down shut tight because no one really wanted to be friends with the
really wanted to be friends with the
really wanted to be friends with the weird epileptic brown girl with learning
weird epileptic brown girl with learning
weird epileptic brown girl with learning disabilities they did not have to
disabilities they did not have to
disabilities they did not have to explicitly say it for me to understand
explicitly say it for me to understand
explicitly say it for me to understand this
flash-forwards attend going on 11 this
flash-forwards attend going on 11 this was the first time I considered suicide
was the first time I considered suicide
was the first time I considered suicide and even at this young age I knew I had
and even at this young age I knew I had
and even at this young age I knew I had depression I was an anxious fall a toxic
depression I was an anxious fall a toxic
depression I was an anxious fall a toxic mess by the time I was in eure I was a
mess by the time I was in eure I was a
mess by the time I was in eure I was a cocktail mix of self-destruction self
cocktail mix of self-destruction self
cocktail mix of self-destruction self deprecation self-harm self-hatred I was
deprecation self-harm self-hatred I was
deprecation self-harm self-hatred I was trying to detox myself of everything
trying to detox myself of everything
trying to detox myself of everything that I was taught was just not quite
that I was taught was just not quite
that I was taught was just not quite right
right
right Oh moralists was just not quite white
Oh moralists was just not quite white
Oh moralists was just not quite white with the only welcoming words that were
with the only welcoming words that were
with the only welcoming words that were embedded into my life you have gotten
embedded into my life you have gotten
embedded into my life you have gotten fatter look at your hair it could start
fatter look at your hair it could start
fatter look at your hair it could start a fire
have to be the best there is no time to
have to be the best there is no time to rest that is not what girls do why are
rest that is not what girls do why are
rest that is not what girls do why are you acting like a boy you are too old to
you acting like a boy you are too old to
you acting like a boy you are too old to be playing with those toys all I ever
be playing with those toys all I ever
be playing with those toys all I ever wanted was to feel at home in my own
wanted was to feel at home in my own
wanted was to feel at home in my own body skin and mind but nothing ever felt
body skin and mind but nothing ever felt
body skin and mind but nothing ever felt like it was truly mine even my shadow
like it was truly mine even my shadow
like it was truly mine even my shadow never wanted to follow me it’s at times
never wanted to follow me it’s at times
never wanted to follow me it’s at times it seems like at 16 I was a body
it seems like at 16 I was a body
it seems like at 16 I was a body dysphoric heavyweight Acrobat who walked
dysphoric heavyweight Acrobat who walked
dysphoric heavyweight Acrobat who walked on her hands in the early hours of the
on her hands in the early hours of the
on her hands in the early hours of the day late nights on the tightrope of life
one night
one night I sway too hard and lay unconscious on
I sway too hard and lay unconscious on
I sway too hard and lay unconscious on my familiar bedroom floor it seemed I
my familiar bedroom floor it seemed I
my familiar bedroom floor it seemed I finally did that Niva table and closed
finally did that Niva table and closed
finally did that Niva table and closed my metaphorical door slipping through
my metaphorical door slipping through
my metaphorical door slipping through the cracks to never come back
the cracks to never come back
the cracks to never come back becoming one of the many bars efika
becoming one of the many bars efika
becoming one of the many bars efika statistics of the various versions of
statistics of the various versions of
statistics of the various versions of the same arithmetic song that never seen
the same arithmetic song that never seen
the same arithmetic song that never seen to last quite as long the life was not
to last quite as long the life was not
to last quite as long the life was not done with me yet and pulled me back with
done with me yet and pulled me back with
done with me yet and pulled me back with the sound of my parents panicked voices
the sound of my parents panicked voices
the sound of my parents panicked voices screaming my name as if it was on loop
and at this moment I heard their hearts
and at this moment I heard their hearts break for the youngest daughter who did
break for the youngest daughter who did
break for the youngest daughter who did not want to live anymore it became
not want to live anymore it became
not want to live anymore it became somewhat of a tumor that was unspoken
somewhat of a tumor that was unspoken
somewhat of a tumor that was unspoken within the room my mother who was
within the room my mother who was
within the room my mother who was naturally always concerned for her for
naturally always concerned for her for
naturally always concerned for her for children’s well-being seemed to go ten
children’s well-being seemed to go ten
children’s well-being seemed to go ten years in age that following morning she
years in age that following morning she
years in age that following morning she looked at me with overnight swollen
looked at me with overnight swollen
looked at me with overnight swollen worried eyes and whispered the words
worried eyes and whispered the words
worried eyes and whispered the words hummer are you okay
hummer are you okay
hummer are you okay even I didn’t want to know the answer to
even I didn’t want to know the answer to
even I didn’t want to know the answer to this question but I already knew we all
this question but I already knew we all
this question but I already knew we all knew it came out those following weeks
knew it came out those following weeks
knew it came out those following weeks seeping through like poison through the
seeping through like poison through the
seeping through like poison through the sewers slowly my brother’s found out and
sewers slowly my brother’s found out and
sewers slowly my brother’s found out and so did my sister I had never had my
so did my sister I had never had my
so did my sister I had never had my brothers hug me with so much intent or
brothers hug me with so much intent or
brothers hug me with so much intent or seeing my sister cry with so much hurt
how might you can’t leave me in this
how might you can’t leave me in this world without you and for the first time
world without you and for the first time
world without you and for the first time I had someone say to me you have to
I had someone say to me you have to
I had someone say to me you have to learn how to talk everything in your
learn how to talk everything in your
learn how to talk everything in your mind through my mammoth of an older
mind through my mammoth of an older
mind through my mammoth of an older sister who who always seemed like a
sister who who always seemed like a
sister who who always seemed like a pillar of strength in that split moment
pillar of strength in that split moment
pillar of strength in that split moment crumbled before me and learning how to
crumbled before me and learning how to
crumbled before me and learning how to communicate my mental health or lack
communicate my mental health or lack
communicate my mental health or lack thereof as well as my insecurities with
thereof as well as my insecurities with
thereof as well as my insecurities with those around me I then learned the hard
those around me I then learned the hard
those around me I then learned the hard way that not everyone is ready to listen
way that not everyone is ready to listen
way that not everyone is ready to listen to the reality of your truth not
to the reality of your truth not
to the reality of your truth not everyone is going to accept the power of
everyone is going to accept the power of
everyone is going to accept the power of your vulnerability especially when you
your vulnerability especially when you
your vulnerability especially when you come from a culture we’re talking about
come from a culture we’re talking about
come from a culture we’re talking about emotions as
emotions as
emotions as existent I was constantly referred to
existent I was constantly referred to
existent I was constantly referred to throughout that year as sick by some of
throughout that year as sick by some of
throughout that year as sick by some of the people who were mean to love and
the people who were mean to love and
the people who were mean to love and guide me I’ve even found myself being
guide me I’ve even found myself being
guide me I’ve even found myself being pimpled through the Mental Health System
pimpled through the Mental Health System
pimpled through the Mental Health System where I’d be placed into yellow painted
where I’d be placed into yellow painted
where I’d be placed into yellow painted rooms as if the color would drain away
rooms as if the color would drain away
rooms as if the color would drain away my every suicidal thought I would then
my every suicidal thought I would then
my every suicidal thought I would then have belonging people tell me how to fix
have belonging people tell me how to fix
have belonging people tell me how to fix my bar speaker displacement problems by
my bar speaker displacement problems by
my bar speaker displacement problems by medication when all I ever really wanted
medication when all I ever really wanted
medication when all I ever really wanted was to feel accepted in some small
was to feel accepted in some small
was to feel accepted in some small corner of this world without having to
corner of this world without having to
corner of this world without having to be anyone else but myself after two
be anyone else but myself after two
be anyone else but myself after two years of holding out for a broken mental
years of holding out for a broken mental
years of holding out for a broken mental health system my anxiety grew as did my
health system my anxiety grew as did my
health system my anxiety grew as did my depression so I made the pivotal choice
depression so I made the pivotal choice
depression so I made the pivotal choice out of fatigue and desperation to view
out of fatigue and desperation to view
out of fatigue and desperation to view myself as a construction site in the
myself as a construction site in the
myself as a construction site in the making I was not quite ready to build up
making I was not quite ready to build up
making I was not quite ready to build up the person that I wanted to be because I
the person that I wanted to be because I
the person that I wanted to be because I was not sure who that was
was not sure who that was
was not sure who that was but I was ready to reclaim my body as my
but I was ready to reclaim my body as my
but I was ready to reclaim my body as my land to make it my home rather than just
land to make it my home rather than just
land to make it my home rather than just a rundown house that I own I wanted more
a rundown house that I own I wanted more
a rundown house that I own I wanted more than anything for my cousins who were
than anything for my cousins who were
than anything for my cousins who were more like my sisters my niece my nephews
more like my sisters my niece my nephews
more like my sisters my niece my nephews and niece nieces to grow up in a world
and niece nieces to grow up in a world
and niece nieces to grow up in a world where they saw strength and seeing the
where they saw strength and seeing the
where they saw strength and seeing the difficult periods of what life throws at
difficult periods of what life throws at
difficult periods of what life throws at you through that something beautiful can
you through that something beautiful can
you through that something beautiful can rise from the ashes of destruction if
rise from the ashes of destruction if
rise from the ashes of destruction if you were willing to clear the debris to
you were willing to clear the debris to
you were willing to clear the debris to take a step back to reconnect with
take a step back to reconnect with
take a step back to reconnect with yourself
yourself
yourself Racines her rewire and the twilight of
Racines her rewire and the twilight of
Racines her rewire and the twilight of my 20th year the building began swards
my 20th year the building began swards
my 20th year the building began swards my first home where the foundations were
my first home where the foundations were
my first home where the foundations were soaked in the understanding and
soaked in the understanding and
soaked in the understanding and forgiveness the floorboards name
forgiveness the floorboards name
forgiveness the floorboards name with healing and resilience the walls
with healing and resilience the walls
with healing and resilience the walls were plastered with unapologetic
were plastered with unapologetic
were plastered with unapologetic determination on top layer glorious roof
determination on top layer glorious roof
determination on top layer glorious roof built from the ever apparent phrases you
built from the ever apparent phrases you
built from the ever apparent phrases you have a voice speak your mind
the most important thing is to be honest
the most important thing is to be honest with yourself a current currently
with yourself a current currently
with yourself a current currently resides in the light of dongha being
resides in the light of dongha being
resides in the light of dongha being sheltered in the rolling hills of Althea
sheltered in the rolling hills of Althea
sheltered in the rolling hills of Althea Dawa to answer the question how to find
Dawa to answer the question how to find
Dawa to answer the question how to find yourself culturally in a modern day in
yourself culturally in a modern day in
yourself culturally in a modern day in age is to take the time out to
age is to take the time out to
age is to take the time out to understand your own journey and the
understand your own journey and the
understand your own journey and the implications of your childhood traumas
implications of your childhood traumas
implications of your childhood traumas to allow yourself to not live in fear of
to allow yourself to not live in fear of
to allow yourself to not live in fear of communicating you’re yet to heal wounds
communicating you’re yet to heal wounds
communicating you’re yet to heal wounds dripping with shame and insecurities to
dripping with shame and insecurities to
dripping with shame and insecurities to the people you love to create healthy
the people you love to create healthy
the people you love to create healthy dialogue between the generations and
dialogue between the generations and
dialogue between the generations and understand that it is a process that
understand that it is a process that
understand that it is a process that takes time I may speak and act
takes time I may speak and act
takes time I may speak and act differently to that of the perceived
differently to that of the perceived
differently to that of the perceived notion of what an Islander is seen to be
notion of what an Islander is seen to be
notion of what an Islander is seen to be but just because a person chooses to
but just because a person chooses to
but just because a person chooses to broaden the horizons of perception
broaden the horizons of perception
broaden the horizons of perception breaks stigmas and rip down cultural
breaks stigmas and rip down cultural
breaks stigmas and rip down cultural barriers does not make them plastic or
barriers does not make them plastic or
barriers does not make them plastic or an Oreo it is simply them trying to pave
an Oreo it is simply them trying to pave
an Oreo it is simply them trying to pave the way for the next generation to find
the way for the next generation to find
the way for the next generation to find comfort within their own skin while
comfort within their own skin while
comfort within their own skin while respecting their roots in what is meant
respecting their roots in what is meant
respecting their roots in what is meant to be the safe environment of their own
to be the safe environment of their own
to be the safe environment of their own community yes I am insecure about the
community yes I am insecure about the
community yes I am insecure about the validity of my complexion but the heart
validity of my complexion but the heart
validity of my complexion but the heart that beats through this chest pumping
that beats through this chest pumping
that beats through this chest pumping blood through every inch of my body
blood through every inch of my body
blood through every inch of my body carries a song of a person that is proud
carries a song of a person that is proud
carries a song of a person that is proud of her ancestry that is proud of her
of her ancestry that is proud of her
of her ancestry that is proud of her growth and her journey you do not have
growth and her journey you do not have
growth and her journey you do not have to carry the weight of your whole
to carry the weight of your whole
to carry the weight of your whole culture on your shoulders the only
culture on your shoulders the only
culture on your shoulders the only people you are in debt
people you are in debt
people you are in debt is the village that raised you and are
is the village that raised you and are
is the village that raised you and are there for you in times of need
there for you in times of need
there for you in times of need understand that a slow journey for one
understand that a slow journey for one
understand that a slow journey for one person could also mean a life journey
person could also mean a life journey
person could also mean a life journey for another now what’s next
for another now what’s next
for another now what’s next be kind to each other as you never know
be kind to each other as you never know
be kind to each other as you never know what another person is going through but
what another person is going through but
what another person is going through but most importantly be equally as kind to
most importantly be equally as kind to
most importantly be equally as kind to yourself take pride in the names you
yourself take pride in the names you
yourself take pride in the names you were gifted correct those who say it
were gifted correct those who say it
were gifted correct those who say it wrong and carry it with mana show the
wrong and carry it with mana show the
wrong and carry it with mana show the people you love how much you care about
people you love how much you care about
people you love how much you care about them now not when you’re standing over
them now not when you’re standing over
them now not when you’re standing over their grave hug your parents more and
their grave hug your parents more and
their grave hug your parents more and learn to say I love you with the
learn to say I love you with the
learn to say I love you with the steepest depth of vulnerability
kohaku Hickok or Melissa Neelu Hamid
kohaku Hickok or Melissa Neelu Hamid Allah bear I would like to dedicate this
Allah bear I would like to dedicate this
Allah bear I would like to dedicate this open letter to my friends and family who
open letter to my friends and family who
open letter to my friends and family who saw me through my darkest times but most
saw me through my darkest times but most
saw me through my darkest times but most importantly to the most to most
importantly to the most to most
importantly to the most to most influential people in my life though I
influential people in my life though I
influential people in my life though I am default difficult at times thank you
am default difficult at times thank you
am default difficult at times thank you for letting me choose my own path and
for letting me choose my own path and
for letting me choose my own path and loving me through it all I love you mum
loving me through it all I love you mum
loving me through it all I love you mum and dad
[Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
hello now this is we say hello back so
hello now this is we say hello back so today I’ll be reading a letter that I
today I’ll be reading a letter that I
today I’ll be reading a letter that I wrote and I hope you enjoy it inside my
wrote and I hope you enjoy it inside my
wrote and I hope you enjoy it inside my head I have enough words to fill the
head I have enough words to fill the
head I have enough words to fill the Pacific Ocean in true fashion for my
Pacific Ocean in true fashion for my
Pacific Ocean in true fashion for my student lifestyle I have been staring at
student lifestyle I have been staring at
student lifestyle I have been staring at a blank page for the better part of
a blank page for the better part of
a blank page for the better part of three months trying to put those words
three months trying to put those words
three months trying to put those words onto paper but couldn’t in a fear of the
onto paper but couldn’t in a fear of the
onto paper but couldn’t in a fear of the moment when all this water spills out
moment when all this water spills out
moment when all this water spills out onto the stage floor in front of this
onto the stage floor in front of this
onto the stage floor in front of this whole auditorium I won’t be able to stop
whole auditorium I won’t be able to stop
whole auditorium I won’t be able to stop the tsunami of emotions of how together
the tsunami of emotions of how together
the tsunami of emotions of how together for 21 years brought into this world
for 21 years brought into this world
for 21 years brought into this world bearing the name Melissa Neelu hamadan
bearing the name Melissa Neelu hamadan
bearing the name Melissa Neelu hamadan Lupe a testament to both my heritage and
Lupe a testament to both my heritage and
Lupe a testament to both my heritage and ancestry dating back to that of the
ancestry dating back to that of the
ancestry dating back to that of the Lupita people yet I feel unworthy of my
Lupita people yet I feel unworthy of my
Lupita people yet I feel unworthy of my coffee stain skin full island lips brown
coffee stain skin full island lips brown
coffee stain skin full island lips brown almond shaped eyes too white to be brown
almond shaped eyes too white to be brown
almond shaped eyes too white to be brown but too Brown to be white a subcategory
but too Brown to be white a subcategory
but too Brown to be white a subcategory in Generation Y and zeal trying to fill
in Generation Y and zeal trying to fill
in Generation Y and zeal trying to fill a void of culturally and nips voices
a void of culturally and nips voices
a void of culturally and nips voices that somehow lost translation between
that somehow lost translation between
that somehow lost translation between their waist in homeland geographically
their waist in homeland geographically
their waist in homeland geographically and who they are inside ethnically I
and who they are inside ethnically I
and who they are inside ethnically I found myself questioning how do I have
found myself questioning how do I have
found myself questioning how do I have the right to stand before all of you to
the right to stand before all of you to
the right to stand before all of you to speak about finding yourself culturally
speak about finding yourself culturally
speak about finding yourself culturally in a modern day and age
in a modern day and age
in a modern day and age the reality is I internally am always in
the reality is I internally am always in
the reality is I internally am always in constant conflict of Who I am because
constant conflict of Who I am because
constant conflict of Who I am because hammer island girls do not dress like
hammer island girls do not dress like
hammer island girls do not dress like that island girls do not speak like that
that island girls do not speak like that
that island girls do not speak like that island girls do not act like that
island girls do not act like that
island girls do not act like that if Island girls are not meant to be this
if Island girls are not meant to be this
if Island girls are not meant to be this way then tell me why my tongue and
way then tell me why my tongue and
way then tell me why my tongue and father raised me with the words humma
father raised me with the words humma
father raised me with the words humma you have a voice speak your mind
you have a voice speak your mind
you have a voice speak your mind harmonized with my tongue and mother
harmonized with my tongue and mother
harmonized with my tongue and mother some of the most important thing is to
some of the most important thing is to
some of the most important thing is to be honest with yourself constantly
be honest with yourself constantly
be honest with yourself constantly drilled into my mind I have you to
drilled into my mind I have you to
drilled into my mind I have you to understand how you are so rebellious
understand how you are so rebellious
understand how you are so rebellious always going against the crowd when
always going against the crowd when
always going against the crowd when choosing to be me shouldn’t be such a
choosing to be me shouldn’t be such a
choosing to be me shouldn’t be such a lone wolf stand down
lone wolf stand down
lone wolf stand down always being told
always being told
always being told she’s Tongan but the plastic kind as if
she’s Tongan but the plastic kind as if
she’s Tongan but the plastic kind as if to say my wallet circulated
to say my wallet circulated
to say my wallet circulated western-educated hung emotionally
western-educated hung emotionally
western-educated hung emotionally outspoken mind was any least hung and in
outspoken mind was any least hung and in
outspoken mind was any least hung and in the next guy don’t get me wrong I’m
the next guy don’t get me wrong I’m
the next guy don’t get me wrong I’m deeply grateful for the privileges I am
deeply grateful for the privileges I am
deeply grateful for the privileges I am given to have grown up in a basa fika
given to have grown up in a basa fika
given to have grown up in a basa fika home within a first world nation better
home within a first world nation better
home within a first world nation better see it to be mine for the taking if this
see it to be mine for the taking if this
see it to be mine for the taking if this is true then tell me why eight-year-old
is true then tell me why eight-year-old
is true then tell me why eight-year-old hummer struggled to make friends at a
hummer struggled to make friends at a
hummer struggled to make friends at a new school dipped in so much white but
new school dipped in so much white but
new school dipped in so much white but she swore it was a cluster of stars in
she swore it was a cluster of stars in
she swore it was a cluster of stars in the Milky Way – the space for voices who
the Milky Way – the space for voices who
the Milky Way – the space for voices who were culturally confused just like mine
so they made sure it was was suppressed
so they made sure it was was suppressed stay down shut tight because no one
stay down shut tight because no one
stay down shut tight because no one really wanted to be friends with the
really wanted to be friends with the
really wanted to be friends with the weird epileptic brown girl with learning
weird epileptic brown girl with learning
weird epileptic brown girl with learning disabilities they did not have to
disabilities they did not have to
disabilities they did not have to explicitly say it for me to understand
explicitly say it for me to understand
explicitly say it for me to understand this
flash-forwards attend going on 11 this
flash-forwards attend going on 11 this was the first time I considered suicide
was the first time I considered suicide
was the first time I considered suicide and even at this young age I knew I had
and even at this young age I knew I had
and even at this young age I knew I had depression I was an anxious fall a toxic
depression I was an anxious fall a toxic
depression I was an anxious fall a toxic mess by the time I was in eure I was a
mess by the time I was in eure I was a
mess by the time I was in eure I was a cocktail mix of self-destruction self
cocktail mix of self-destruction self
cocktail mix of self-destruction self deprecation self-harm self-hatred I was
deprecation self-harm self-hatred I was
deprecation self-harm self-hatred I was trying to detox myself of everything
trying to detox myself of everything
trying to detox myself of everything that I was taught was just not quite
that I was taught was just not quite
that I was taught was just not quite right
right
right Oh moralists was just not quite white
Oh moralists was just not quite white
Oh moralists was just not quite white with the only welcoming words that were
with the only welcoming words that were
with the only welcoming words that were embedded into my life you have gotten
embedded into my life you have gotten
embedded into my life you have gotten fatter look at your hair it could start
fatter look at your hair it could start
fatter look at your hair it could start a fire
have to be the best there is no time to
have to be the best there is no time to rest that is not what girls do why are
rest that is not what girls do why are
rest that is not what girls do why are you acting like a boy you are too old to
you acting like a boy you are too old to
you acting like a boy you are too old to be playing with those toys all I ever
be playing with those toys all I ever
be playing with those toys all I ever wanted was to feel at home in my own
wanted was to feel at home in my own
wanted was to feel at home in my own body skin and mind but nothing ever felt
body skin and mind but nothing ever felt
body skin and mind but nothing ever felt like it was truly mine even my shadow
like it was truly mine even my shadow
like it was truly mine even my shadow never wanted to follow me it’s at times
never wanted to follow me it’s at times
never wanted to follow me it’s at times it seems like at 16 I was a body
it seems like at 16 I was a body
it seems like at 16 I was a body dysphoric heavyweight Acrobat who walked
dysphoric heavyweight Acrobat who walked
dysphoric heavyweight Acrobat who walked on her hands in the early hours of the
on her hands in the early hours of the
on her hands in the early hours of the day late nights on the tightrope of life
one night
one night I sway too hard and lay unconscious on
I sway too hard and lay unconscious on
I sway too hard and lay unconscious on my familiar bedroom floor it seemed I
my familiar bedroom floor it seemed I
my familiar bedroom floor it seemed I finally did that Niva table and closed
finally did that Niva table and closed
finally did that Niva table and closed my metaphorical door slipping through
my metaphorical door slipping through
my metaphorical door slipping through the cracks to never come back
the cracks to never come back
the cracks to never come back becoming one of the many bars efika
becoming one of the many bars efika
becoming one of the many bars efika statistics of the various versions of
statistics of the various versions of
statistics of the various versions of the same arithmetic song that never seen
the same arithmetic song that never seen
the same arithmetic song that never seen to last quite as long the life was not
to last quite as long the life was not
to last quite as long the life was not done with me yet and pulled me back with
done with me yet and pulled me back with
done with me yet and pulled me back with the sound of my parents panicked voices
the sound of my parents panicked voices
the sound of my parents panicked voices screaming my name as if it was on loop
and at this moment I heard their hearts
and at this moment I heard their hearts break for the youngest daughter who did
break for the youngest daughter who did
break for the youngest daughter who did not want to live anymore it became
not want to live anymore it became
not want to live anymore it became somewhat of a tumor that was unspoken
somewhat of a tumor that was unspoken
somewhat of a tumor that was unspoken within the room my mother who was
within the room my mother who was
within the room my mother who was naturally always concerned for her for
naturally always concerned for her for
naturally always concerned for her for children’s well-being seemed to go ten
children’s well-being seemed to go ten
children’s well-being seemed to go ten years in age that following morning she
years in age that following morning she
years in age that following morning she looked at me with overnight swollen
looked at me with overnight swollen
looked at me with overnight swollen worried eyes and whispered the words
worried eyes and whispered the words
worried eyes and whispered the words hummer are you okay
hummer are you okay
hummer are you okay even I didn’t want to know the answer to
even I didn’t want to know the answer to
even I didn’t want to know the answer to this question but I already knew we all
this question but I already knew we all
this question but I already knew we all knew it came out those following weeks
knew it came out those following weeks
knew it came out those following weeks seeping through like poison through the
seeping through like poison through the
seeping through like poison through the sewers slowly my brother’s found out and
sewers slowly my brother’s found out and
sewers slowly my brother’s found out and so did my sister I had never had my
so did my sister I had never had my
so did my sister I had never had my brothers hug me with so much intent or
brothers hug me with so much intent or
brothers hug me with so much intent or seeing my sister cry with so much hurt
how might you can’t leave me in this
how might you can’t leave me in this world without you and for the first time
world without you and for the first time
world without you and for the first time I had someone say to me you have to
I had someone say to me you have to
I had someone say to me you have to learn how to talk everything in your
learn how to talk everything in your
learn how to talk everything in your mind through my mammoth of an older
mind through my mammoth of an older
mind through my mammoth of an older sister who who always seemed like a
sister who who always seemed like a
sister who who always seemed like a pillar of strength in that split moment
pillar of strength in that split moment
pillar of strength in that split moment crumbled before me and learning how to
crumbled before me and learning how to
crumbled before me and learning how to communicate my mental health or lack
communicate my mental health or lack
communicate my mental health or lack thereof as well as my insecurities with
thereof as well as my insecurities with
thereof as well as my insecurities with those around me I then learned the hard
those around me I then learned the hard
those around me I then learned the hard way that not everyone is ready to listen
way that not everyone is ready to listen
way that not everyone is ready to listen to the reality of your truth not
to the reality of your truth not
to the reality of your truth not everyone is going to accept the power of
everyone is going to accept the power of
everyone is going to accept the power of your vulnerability especially when you
your vulnerability especially when you
your vulnerability especially when you come from a culture we’re talking about
come from a culture we’re talking about
come from a culture we’re talking about emotions as
emotions as
emotions as existent I was constantly referred to
existent I was constantly referred to
existent I was constantly referred to throughout that year as sick by some of
throughout that year as sick by some of
throughout that year as sick by some of the people who were mean to love and
the people who were mean to love and
the people who were mean to love and guide me I’ve even found myself being
guide me I’ve even found myself being
guide me I’ve even found myself being pimpled through the Mental Health System
pimpled through the Mental Health System
pimpled through the Mental Health System where I’d be placed into yellow painted
where I’d be placed into yellow painted
where I’d be placed into yellow painted rooms as if the color would drain away
rooms as if the color would drain away
rooms as if the color would drain away my every suicidal thought I would then
my every suicidal thought I would then
my every suicidal thought I would then have belonging people tell me how to fix
have belonging people tell me how to fix
have belonging people tell me how to fix my bar speaker displacement problems by
my bar speaker displacement problems by
my bar speaker displacement problems by medication when all I ever really wanted
medication when all I ever really wanted
medication when all I ever really wanted was to feel accepted in some small
was to feel accepted in some small
was to feel accepted in some small corner of this world without having to
corner of this world without having to
corner of this world without having to be anyone else but myself after two
be anyone else but myself after two
be anyone else but myself after two years of holding out for a broken mental
years of holding out for a broken mental
years of holding out for a broken mental health system my anxiety grew as did my
health system my anxiety grew as did my
health system my anxiety grew as did my depression so I made the pivotal choice
depression so I made the pivotal choice
depression so I made the pivotal choice out of fatigue and desperation to view
out of fatigue and desperation to view
out of fatigue and desperation to view myself as a construction site in the
myself as a construction site in the
myself as a construction site in the making I was not quite ready to build up
making I was not quite ready to build up
making I was not quite ready to build up the person that I wanted to be because I
the person that I wanted to be because I
the person that I wanted to be because I was not sure who that was
was not sure who that was
was not sure who that was but I was ready to reclaim my body as my
but I was ready to reclaim my body as my
but I was ready to reclaim my body as my land to make it my home rather than just
land to make it my home rather than just
land to make it my home rather than just a rundown house that I own I wanted more
a rundown house that I own I wanted more
a rundown house that I own I wanted more than anything for my cousins who were
than anything for my cousins who were
than anything for my cousins who were more like my sisters my niece my nephews
more like my sisters my niece my nephews
more like my sisters my niece my nephews and niece nieces to grow up in a world
and niece nieces to grow up in a world
and niece nieces to grow up in a world where they saw strength and seeing the
where they saw strength and seeing the
where they saw strength and seeing the difficult periods of what life throws at
difficult periods of what life throws at
difficult periods of what life throws at you through that something beautiful can
you through that something beautiful can
you through that something beautiful can rise from the ashes of destruction if
rise from the ashes of destruction if
rise from the ashes of destruction if you were willing to clear the debris to
you were willing to clear the debris to
you were willing to clear the debris to take a step back to reconnect with
take a step back to reconnect with
take a step back to reconnect with yourself
yourself
yourself Racines her rewire and the twilight of
Racines her rewire and the twilight of
Racines her rewire and the twilight of my 20th year the building began swards
my 20th year the building began swards
my 20th year the building began swards my first home where the foundations were
my first home where the foundations were
my first home where the foundations were soaked in the understanding and
soaked in the understanding and
soaked in the understanding and forgiveness the floorboards name
forgiveness the floorboards name
forgiveness the floorboards name with healing and resilience the walls
with healing and resilience the walls
with healing and resilience the walls were plastered with unapologetic
were plastered with unapologetic
were plastered with unapologetic determination on top layer glorious roof
determination on top layer glorious roof
determination on top layer glorious roof built from the ever apparent phrases you
built from the ever apparent phrases you
built from the ever apparent phrases you have a voice speak your mind
the most important thing is to be honest
the most important thing is to be honest with yourself a current currently
with yourself a current currently
with yourself a current currently resides in the light of dongha being
resides in the light of dongha being
resides in the light of dongha being sheltered in the rolling hills of Althea
sheltered in the rolling hills of Althea
sheltered in the rolling hills of Althea Dawa to answer the question how to find
Dawa to answer the question how to find
Dawa to answer the question how to find yourself culturally in a modern day in
yourself culturally in a modern day in
yourself culturally in a modern day in age is to take the time out to
age is to take the time out to
age is to take the time out to understand your own journey and the
understand your own journey and the
understand your own journey and the implications of your childhood traumas
implications of your childhood traumas
implications of your childhood traumas to allow yourself to not live in fear of
to allow yourself to not live in fear of
to allow yourself to not live in fear of communicating you’re yet to heal wounds
communicating you’re yet to heal wounds
communicating you’re yet to heal wounds dripping with shame and insecurities to
dripping with shame and insecurities to
dripping with shame and insecurities to the people you love to create healthy
the people you love to create healthy
the people you love to create healthy dialogue between the generations and
dialogue between the generations and
dialogue between the generations and understand that it is a process that
understand that it is a process that
understand that it is a process that takes time I may speak and act
takes time I may speak and act
takes time I may speak and act differently to that of the perceived
differently to that of the perceived
differently to that of the perceived notion of what an Islander is seen to be
notion of what an Islander is seen to be
notion of what an Islander is seen to be but just because a person chooses to
but just because a person chooses to
but just because a person chooses to broaden the horizons of perception
broaden the horizons of perception
broaden the horizons of perception breaks stigmas and rip down cultural
breaks stigmas and rip down cultural
breaks stigmas and rip down cultural barriers does not make them plastic or
barriers does not make them plastic or
barriers does not make them plastic or an Oreo it is simply them trying to pave
an Oreo it is simply them trying to pave
an Oreo it is simply them trying to pave the way for the next generation to find
the way for the next generation to find
the way for the next generation to find comfort within their own skin while
comfort within their own skin while
comfort within their own skin while respecting their roots in what is meant
respecting their roots in what is meant
respecting their roots in what is meant to be the safe environment of their own
to be the safe environment of their own
to be the safe environment of their own community yes I am insecure about the
community yes I am insecure about the
community yes I am insecure about the validity of my complexion but the heart
validity of my complexion but the heart
validity of my complexion but the heart that beats through this chest pumping
that beats through this chest pumping
that beats through this chest pumping blood through every inch of my body
blood through every inch of my body
blood through every inch of my body carries a song of a person that is proud
carries a song of a person that is proud
carries a song of a person that is proud of her ancestry that is proud of her
of her ancestry that is proud of her
of her ancestry that is proud of her growth and her journey you do not have
growth and her journey you do not have
growth and her journey you do not have to carry the weight of your whole
to carry the weight of your whole
to carry the weight of your whole culture on your shoulders the only
culture on your shoulders the only
culture on your shoulders the only people you are in debt
people you are in debt
people you are in debt is the village that raised you and are
is the village that raised you and are
is the village that raised you and are there for you in times of need
there for you in times of need
there for you in times of need understand that a slow journey for one
understand that a slow journey for one
understand that a slow journey for one person could also mean a life journey
person could also mean a life journey
person could also mean a life journey for another now what’s next
for another now what’s next
for another now what’s next be kind to each other as you never know
be kind to each other as you never know
be kind to each other as you never know what another person is going through but
what another person is going through but
what another person is going through but most importantly be equally as kind to
most importantly be equally as kind to
most importantly be equally as kind to yourself take pride in the names you
yourself take pride in the names you
yourself take pride in the names you were gifted correct those who say it
were gifted correct those who say it
were gifted correct those who say it wrong and carry it with mana show the
wrong and carry it with mana show the
wrong and carry it with mana show the people you love how much you care about
people you love how much you care about
people you love how much you care about them now not when you’re standing over
them now not when you’re standing over
them now not when you’re standing over their grave hug your parents more and
their grave hug your parents more and
their grave hug your parents more and learn to say I love you with the
learn to say I love you with the
learn to say I love you with the steepest depth of vulnerability
kohaku Hickok or Melissa Neelu Hamid
kohaku Hickok or Melissa Neelu Hamid Allah bear I would like to dedicate this
Allah bear I would like to dedicate this
Allah bear I would like to dedicate this open letter to my friends and family who
open letter to my friends and family who
open letter to my friends and family who saw me through my darkest times but most
saw me through my darkest times but most
saw me through my darkest times but most importantly to the most to most
importantly to the most to most
importantly to the most to most influential people in my life though I
influential people in my life though I
influential people in my life though I am default difficult at times thank you
am default difficult at times thank you
am default difficult at times thank you for letting me choose my own path and
for letting me choose my own path and
for letting me choose my own path and loving me through it all I love you mum
loving me through it all I love you mum
loving me through it all I love you mum and dad
[Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
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