[Music]
before I start today may I know how many
of you have secrets please raise your
hand if you have a secret okay you are
literally the most honest group of
people I have ever known on earth now we
have six hundred really honest people in
the room everybody has secrets I’m a
psychotherapist listening to people’s
secrets is part of my job sometimes
during psychoanalytic work is as being
an archaeologist in people’s mind and in
this archaeology process interestingly
we see how history create common
memories in people’s mind and create
common secrets these secrets are
sometimes unspoken and these unspoken
secrets can have an impact on people on
an individual level in families and of
course in societies today I’m going to
talk about secret that has something to
do with many of you here please raise
your hand if you belong to the single
child generation of China yes a lot of
people I also belong to this group
boring 90 80s I have a tag on me on the
moment I was born we belong to the
probably the first and most likely the
last single child generation in human
history when I grew up and married to
another single child at our first baby
and then the second we no longer need to
worry if it’s legal or not in 2015 China
terminated 35 years of single child
policy and started to adopt the two
children policy instead now we can have
two instead of one
yet in my personal experience I still
encountered some challenge we almost had
a natural miscarriage it was only in the
17th week of my pregnancy and the fetus
was far from mature when I was sent to
the hospital in emergency
the doctor said lie on the bed waiting
for it to come down a huge pain here is
sorrow I lied on the bed praying by my
journey with my second baby can continue
it was a happy ending story in the end
the next day the baby is still alive
inside my womb and today he’s almost
four years old and is a happy little boy
thank you but what really strikes me is
not only these ups and downs I
encountered during this process it’s
also something that my mom murmured when
she knew I can continue this journey
with a second baby
she said I’m glad your daughter don’t
have to miss that brother like you have
did I was shocked what did you just say
I had a brother did you just say I had a
brother and my mom said yes they were if
I would have been kept him the wooden
thing has thirty right now my mom is one
of the 200 million women who had to give
up having another second child in the 35
years of the policy 200 million that’s
almost 2/3 of the population of United
States I never thought I was one of the
children who actually lost a sibling in
that historical trend I also feel a
little bit sad after I know this fact
not only because I want to imagine a
life with a brother how can it be
different well it could be
but anyway in my memory I was usually
given short hair and not given dresses
to wear in my childhood I envied those
girls who can always wear dresses and
have long hair as they wish I even
thought I might be a victim of the
favored boys to girls culture in China
what I didn’t know is that it could be
an unconscious choice of my parents to
raise me up in a child that they
probably lost to raise me up in a way so
that they can remember sometimes my
memory will also flash back to the night
when I lie on the hospital bed I kept
thinking to myself the my parents also
experienced these pains fears and guilts
like I have did did they ever talk to
someone about it what if it was me being
given up did I take the place of my
brother for some these questions are not
just questions it could be more than
that when I work in the session rooms I
work with families and I notice after
2015 the patients who were stuck
struggling whether to have a second baby
increased sharply poly because for us a
blank memory is how to live up with the
sibling but for some people it’s more
than that one day I was talking to a
friend of mine she was pregnant with the
second baby and she was experiencing
more than the universal anxiety that you
can imagine she was having huge
depression and anxiety after she got
pregnant again without any conscious
reason she can think of you know a talk
I just randomly asked her a question I
said do you have any memories relating
to your mother’s giving birth silence a
long long sigh
and she started to sob after a few
minutes she started to show me something
that was probably too painful for her to
remember being the first child in the
family she witnessed how her mother was
unable to protect the second baby in
herself many years ago she witnessed how
her mother was trapped and forced to
have an abortion she witnessed the tears
and silence after everything was done no
one has ever talked to her about it she
told me I never thought I will come back
to these memories again as I become a
mother of two children pregnant with
another child means helplessness and
danger in my mind that is torturing
while abortion can be a taboo topic in
many different cultures in China it is
even more complicated abortion sometimes
was not a choice but a compliance
although the single child policy might
have a historical and economical
background for each individual who
really sacrificed for this policy the
cost can be high in a research published
in 2006 showed there 50% of the women
who went through an abortion may go
through sexing symptoms such as fear
depression shame flashbacks guilt or
even suicidal thoughts living in the
only country in the world where female
suicidal rates is higher than male
Chinese women have been told that we are
half the sky for decades but it is also
in the same decades we were not even
able to decide how much children we want
is it possible that when it comes to the
pregnancy issue women are
written more like machines not like a
human with free will
asking most of the chime single child
generation of our childhood memory we
may came up with many lively things we
may came up with our love or hates for
our parents our livelihoods in the
schools but barely we talked about or
even notice the individual losses or
sacrifice in the historical trend even
we choose to ignore to hide to forget to
deny that said things did not happen
something will stay us in a very subtle
way we call it an elephant in the room
or scared secrets it change our
perceptions in parenting in many
different ways I’ll give you an example
I guess some of you maybe know that in
China when you are pregnant with a
second baby and you hold your other
daughter to the street you she may
encounter some warning from people you
don’t even know or someone who you just
meet one year on the family table once a
year they may come up by saying be
careful when your mother have another
baby
she will not like you any more terrified
I don’t take this as a curse or evil
will of these people but rather I
believe they are speaking out something
they really experienced in the past back
to their times starvation was usual and
one more child in the house probably
means a lot of tension and neglect they
say it because they want people to get
prepared for these heartbreaks they say
it because they want to tell people
their wisdom to survive after these hard
years a mother with a baby in the tummy
and a child in hand
may probably trigger their unconscious
memory and they probably want to escape
if they have never had the chance to go
through these miseries with someone else
again it may turn out to be another
layer of hurt to a new generation when
they say to the child your mother may
probably don’t like you it’s creating
another scar that is how unconscious
parenting affects us in an
intergenerational way sometimes people
grow up telling themselves I don’t want
to grow up like my parents but at some
point they will discover they share
something similar like their parents
they grew up to be the parent they know
it’s always easier to offer something we
know than the unknown but when people
can see there are other options new
possibilities arise when we can share
these stories and secrets understanding
and forgiveness happen I can offer you
something in a totally different way I
don’t have to repeat this past it is a
kind of freedom well we can have two
children right now our memories
especially those guards secrets of the
single child generation are quickly
fading away going to a cinema or opening
a TV in China you barely see any
mainstream media talking about the
individual stories in these historical
trends especially those losses and
sacrifices people think abortion is just
a small surgery it was common anyone who
has a relevant secret has nowhere to
release it in modern society of course
you can go to a psychotherapist to
safely share these secrets but not
everyone is able to have a professional
listener if Alice
xiety does not give an ear to the voices
and stories of these people they will be
isolated in their memories forever
one test speaker in United States called
on Sebastian Junger he used to say it is
the Longley society that makes it hard
to come home from war ignorant these
feelings sometimes bring another layoff
of hurt to those people who really went
through the tragedies people in a group
experience psychic stress but people in
isolation will experience even bigger
stress in 2005 a group of researcher
have done a very interesting research
they have a group of lab rats being
emotionally attacked by a larger rat
afterwards some lab rats those were
capting a group recover within 48 hours
their 48 hours without developing
further psychic symptoms but those lab
rats who were not lucky enough to stay
in a group who were put in isolation did
not recover at all instead they grow
long term psychic sentence if creatures
cannot feel unified or being accompanied
it’s very hard to integrate and to heal
now that I feel more loving in sharing
these girls secrets with my families my
friends my patients and of course this
moment with all of you here with my
parents I can understand and forgive
their choice to raise me up in the
shadow of a lost child when I see my two
children playing a fighting in front of
me I feel more able to treat them as who
they are with my friend guess what
happened after I listened to her story
I gave her a hug and told her it was not
her fault to return home and the next
day she gave me a telephone call
she said Kate you know what I made a
dream last night and inside the Train I
saw a little girl that’s probably my
lost little sister in the dream she
smiled to me hugged me and waved goodbye
when I woke up from the dream I have
tears on my face but I feel warm and
fascinated she then explained to herself
it could be a farewell to the past and a
blessing to the future that is the power
of sharing scarred secrets when theif
these secrets are told you are no longer
alone it doesn’t hurt you that much you
don’t have to be a lonely secret bearer
if we are able to talk to each other
about these secrets we feel more close
to each other talk to your parents or
grandparents about their stories and
probably secrets in this history give
them a hug tell them it was hard
keep these stories in your mind and
that’s all what it is about no one
should be forgotten or left alone in
this history when we see that these
history bring us so much pain we will be
able to think about whether we can do
something in a totally different way if
we internalize these hate these pain
this mistrust we won’t be able to
achieve the Commonwealth of human being
to hope to trust and ultimately to love
our brighter future starts from a common
emotional background and that ground
lies in sharing secrets and stories in
your families
thank you
[Applause]
before I start today may I know how many
of you have secrets please raise your
hand if you have a secret okay you are
literally the most honest group of
people I have ever known on earth now we
have six hundred really honest people in
the room everybody has secrets I’m a
psychotherapist listening to people’s
secrets is part of my job sometimes
during psychoanalytic work is as being
an archaeologist in people’s mind and in
this archaeology process interestingly
we see how history create common
memories in people’s mind and create
common secrets these secrets are
sometimes unspoken and these unspoken
secrets can have an impact on people on
an individual level in families and of
course in societies today I’m going to
talk about secret that has something to
do with many of you here please raise
your hand if you belong to the single
child generation of China yes a lot of
people I also belong to this group
boring 90 80s I have a tag on me on the
moment I was born we belong to the
probably the first and most likely the
last single child generation in human
history when I grew up and married to
another single child at our first baby
and then the second we no longer need to
worry if it’s legal or not in 2015 China
terminated 35 years of single child
policy and started to adopt the two
children policy instead now we can have
two instead of one
yet in my personal experience I still
encountered some challenge we almost had
a natural miscarriage it was only in the
17th week of my pregnancy and the fetus
was far from mature when I was sent to
the hospital in emergency
the doctor said lie on the bed waiting
for it to come down a huge pain here is
sorrow I lied on the bed praying by my
journey with my second baby can continue
it was a happy ending story in the end
the next day the baby is still alive
inside my womb and today he’s almost
four years old and is a happy little boy
thank you but what really strikes me is
not only these ups and downs I
encountered during this process it’s
also something that my mom murmured when
she knew I can continue this journey
with a second baby
she said I’m glad your daughter don’t
have to miss that brother like you have
did I was shocked what did you just say
I had a brother did you just say I had a
brother and my mom said yes they were if
I would have been kept him the wooden
thing has thirty right now my mom is one
of the 200 million women who had to give
up having another second child in the 35
years of the policy 200 million that’s
almost 2/3 of the population of United
States I never thought I was one of the
children who actually lost a sibling in
that historical trend I also feel a
little bit sad after I know this fact
not only because I want to imagine a
life with a brother how can it be
different well it could be
but anyway in my memory I was usually
given short hair and not given dresses
to wear in my childhood I envied those
girls who can always wear dresses and
have long hair as they wish I even
thought I might be a victim of the
favored boys to girls culture in China
what I didn’t know is that it could be
an unconscious choice of my parents to
raise me up in a child that they
probably lost to raise me up in a way so
that they can remember sometimes my
memory will also flash back to the night
when I lie on the hospital bed I kept
thinking to myself the my parents also
experienced these pains fears and guilts
like I have did did they ever talk to
someone about it what if it was me being
given up did I take the place of my
brother for some these questions are not
just questions it could be more than
that when I work in the session rooms I
work with families and I notice after
2015 the patients who were stuck
struggling whether to have a second baby
increased sharply poly because for us a
blank memory is how to live up with the
sibling but for some people it’s more
than that one day I was talking to a
friend of mine she was pregnant with the
second baby and she was experiencing
more than the universal anxiety that you
can imagine she was having huge
depression and anxiety after she got
pregnant again without any conscious
reason she can think of you know a talk
I just randomly asked her a question I
said do you have any memories relating
to your mother’s giving birth silence a
long long sigh
and she started to sob after a few
minutes she started to show me something
that was probably too painful for her to
remember being the first child in the
family she witnessed how her mother was
unable to protect the second baby in
herself many years ago she witnessed how
her mother was trapped and forced to
have an abortion she witnessed the tears
and silence after everything was done no
one has ever talked to her about it she
told me I never thought I will come back
to these memories again as I become a
mother of two children pregnant with
another child means helplessness and
danger in my mind that is torturing
while abortion can be a taboo topic in
many different cultures in China it is
even more complicated abortion sometimes
was not a choice but a compliance
although the single child policy might
have a historical and economical
background for each individual who
really sacrificed for this policy the
cost can be high in a research published
in 2006 showed there 50% of the women
who went through an abortion may go
through sexing symptoms such as fear
depression shame flashbacks guilt or
even suicidal thoughts living in the
only country in the world where female
suicidal rates is higher than male
Chinese women have been told that we are
half the sky for decades but it is also
in the same decades we were not even
able to decide how much children we want
is it possible that when it comes to the
pregnancy issue women are
written more like machines not like a
human with free will
asking most of the chime single child
generation of our childhood memory we
may came up with many lively things we
may came up with our love or hates for
our parents our livelihoods in the
schools but barely we talked about or
even notice the individual losses or
sacrifice in the historical trend even
we choose to ignore to hide to forget to
deny that said things did not happen
something will stay us in a very subtle
way we call it an elephant in the room
or scared secrets it change our
perceptions in parenting in many
different ways I’ll give you an example
I guess some of you maybe know that in
China when you are pregnant with a
second baby and you hold your other
daughter to the street you she may
encounter some warning from people you
don’t even know or someone who you just
meet one year on the family table once a
year they may come up by saying be
careful when your mother have another
baby
she will not like you any more terrified
I don’t take this as a curse or evil
will of these people but rather I
believe they are speaking out something
they really experienced in the past back
to their times starvation was usual and
one more child in the house probably
means a lot of tension and neglect they
say it because they want people to get
prepared for these heartbreaks they say
it because they want to tell people
their wisdom to survive after these hard
years a mother with a baby in the tummy
and a child in hand
may probably trigger their unconscious
memory and they probably want to escape
if they have never had the chance to go
through these miseries with someone else
again it may turn out to be another
layer of hurt to a new generation when
they say to the child your mother may
probably don’t like you it’s creating
another scar that is how unconscious
parenting affects us in an
intergenerational way sometimes people
grow up telling themselves I don’t want
to grow up like my parents but at some
point they will discover they share
something similar like their parents
they grew up to be the parent they know
it’s always easier to offer something we
know than the unknown but when people
can see there are other options new
possibilities arise when we can share
these stories and secrets understanding
and forgiveness happen I can offer you
something in a totally different way I
don’t have to repeat this past it is a
kind of freedom well we can have two
children right now our memories
especially those guards secrets of the
single child generation are quickly
fading away going to a cinema or opening
a TV in China you barely see any
mainstream media talking about the
individual stories in these historical
trends especially those losses and
sacrifices people think abortion is just
a small surgery it was common anyone who
has a relevant secret has nowhere to
release it in modern society of course
you can go to a psychotherapist to
safely share these secrets but not
everyone is able to have a professional
listener if Alice
xiety does not give an ear to the voices
and stories of these people they will be
isolated in their memories forever
one test speaker in United States called
on Sebastian Junger he used to say it is
the Longley society that makes it hard
to come home from war ignorant these
feelings sometimes bring another layoff
of hurt to those people who really went
through the tragedies people in a group
experience psychic stress but people in
isolation will experience even bigger
stress in 2005 a group of researcher
have done a very interesting research
they have a group of lab rats being
emotionally attacked by a larger rat
afterwards some lab rats those were
capting a group recover within 48 hours
their 48 hours without developing
further psychic symptoms but those lab
rats who were not lucky enough to stay
in a group who were put in isolation did
not recover at all instead they grow
long term psychic sentence if creatures
cannot feel unified or being accompanied
it’s very hard to integrate and to heal
now that I feel more loving in sharing
these girls secrets with my families my
friends my patients and of course this
moment with all of you here with my
parents I can understand and forgive
their choice to raise me up in the
shadow of a lost child when I see my two
children playing a fighting in front of
me I feel more able to treat them as who
they are with my friend guess what
happened after I listened to her story
I gave her a hug and told her it was not
her fault to return home and the next
day she gave me a telephone call
she said Kate you know what I made a
dream last night and inside the Train I
saw a little girl that’s probably my
lost little sister in the dream she
smiled to me hugged me and waved goodbye
when I woke up from the dream I have
tears on my face but I feel warm and
fascinated she then explained to herself
it could be a farewell to the past and a
blessing to the future that is the power
of sharing scarred secrets when theif
these secrets are told you are no longer
alone it doesn’t hurt you that much you
don’t have to be a lonely secret bearer
if we are able to talk to each other
about these secrets we feel more close
to each other talk to your parents or
grandparents about their stories and
probably secrets in this history give
them a hug tell them it was hard
keep these stories in your mind and
that’s all what it is about no one
should be forgotten or left alone in
this history when we see that these
history bring us so much pain we will be
able to think about whether we can do
something in a totally different way if
we internalize these hate these pain
this mistrust we won’t be able to
achieve the Commonwealth of human being
to hope to trust and ultimately to love
our brighter future starts from a common
emotional background and that ground
lies in sharing secrets and stories in
your families
thank you
[Applause]
Please follow and like us: