here today I spent a bit of time
thinking about the very first time that
I was ever up on a stage it was for a
kindergarten play and my line was I is
for ice cream and I wouldn’t be
exaggerating if I told you that I
rehearsed those five words at least a
hundred times in front of the mirror
when the big day came I was so nervous
while I was waiting for my turn that I
had grabbed the hem of my skirt and I
was clutching it up against my belly I
didn’t realize that I was flashing the
entire audience
so I’m keeping my hands up today to make
sure history doesn’t repeat itself so
I’m here to tell you a little bit about
my life and I would like to begin by
sharing a poem that I wrote to myself
about five years ago like I is for ice
cream
it’s something that I recited in the
mirror hundreds if not thousands of
times to the little girl inside of me
whose voice was stripped away at three
years old by a tormented soul on that
ever life-changing day and I know he
made you promise that the secret was
safe with you
and so you’ve played it just right and
you chucked it all deep inside and no
one had a clue well I am here to tell
you that there is power in your word so
gather up all your might because it’s
about time that the truth is finally
heard the truth is that that poem was
written about sexual abuse and the truth
is that like me an estimated half a
million of the babies that are born in
the United States alone this year
they’ll be sexually abused before they
turn 18 that’s half a million of our
babies that will be sexually violated
while they’re still children if you
think about your child or grandchild’s
kindergarten classroom ask yourself
which of those kids are part of the
statistic so approximately 90% of
victims are abused by somebody they know
and interestingly enough it’s also 90%
of victims who never report their crime
so that means that 90% of child
molesters are free to continue to walk
our streets and abuse more children so
when I heard these statistics I was
floored
mostly because growing up I thought I
was the only person this had ever
happened to well years later Oprah
mentioned it on a show so then it was
just she and I
but sexual abuse is taboo so people
aren’t supposed to do it but it also
means that people aren’t supposed to
talk about it however when I realized
that there’s 39 million survivors of
childhood sexual abuse in our country it
becomes really clear to me that the
taboo isn’t stopping it from happening
so I am no longer gonna allow it to keep
me silent by the time I was seven years
old seven different people had sexually
abused me three of them had a rape to me
and the first time I was raped I was
only three each of them was somebody who
is known and trusted by the family and
each of them had their own way of
ensuring that I would stay silent their
own way of stealing my voice and the one
that stands out the most to me is the
teenage boy who after raping me
told me that I should never tell anybody
what had happened because if my parents
ever found out they wouldn’t love me
anymore they would disown me and I would
be kicked out on the streets Wow I was
officially unlovable and I was so
ashamed by the time I was eight years
old I was so overwhelmed with these
complex emotions that I didn’t
understand I had no clue how to process
them that one day I found myself
crouched down in front of an electrical
just want to die I can’t do it life is
too hard coming mom
I’ll be right there and I walked out
blaming allergies for my watery eyes in
my red face and I pretended like nothing
was wrong and I kept up the act pretty
successfully until I was about 15 or 16
and that’s when a dear friend of mine
raped me and it wasn’t physical force
that he used to restrain me it was
blackmail
he used threats to immobilize me so that
he could do what he wanted to do and
when all was said and done he made it
very clear what would happen to me if I
ever told anybody so once again I had no
voice and this time it wasn’t just shame
that I felt it was anger and it wasn’t
even just anger it was rage but I
couldn’t express the rage because then
people would ask questions what was I so
upset about I couldn’t talk about it I
couldn’t tell them so i internalized the
rage and I began to self-destruct I
started drinking more and if I was at a
party and someone was passing around
drugs I would try and I was smoking
cigarettes skipping class and sleeping
around I just didn’t care and then it
all caught up with me and one day I had
a total and complete breakdown and I did
not stop crying for days and finally I
told my mom I was so depressed and she
got me help I was put on antidepressants
and I was able to get my life back
together enough to be able to graduate
high school while still 16 and then I
was out on my own experiencing freedom
and independence and holy shit panic
attacks it would come from out of
nowhere and just knock me down and it
would take me days just to get back up
on my feet again and then I started
having nightmares and I would wake up in
the middle of the night drenched in
sweat with my heart pounding out of my
chest
gasping for air and there was no falling
back to sleep after the nightmares so my
doctors put me on anti-anxiety
medication and they gave me some
sedatives so that I could sleep through
the night and those sedatives that I
have to tell you they gave me some of
the craziest dreams
in fact one night while I was visiting a
friend of the family in Long Island
I took my meds I went to bed and I had
the most vivid and realistic dream of my
had a dream that I was on a boat far out
in the ocean and I could feel the cool
breeze blowing through my hair I was
basking in the warmth of the Sun and out
of the corner of my eye I spotted this
really good-looking captain of the ship
and he slowly made his way over brush my
hair to the side and gently began to
kiss my neck and the dream slowly
escalated and as it peeked my eyes shut
open and it took me a minute to realize
that I’ve been dreaming about a boat
because I was sleeping on a waterbed and
that cool breeze that was the
oscillating fan across the room and then
I realized that my dream folk captain
was actually a 76 year old man who had
played a significantly positive role in
my childhood he knew I was going to be
knocked out so he snuck into my room and
he raped me this event was the straw
that broke the camel’s back in less than
a week later I found myself standing on
a bridge outside of Philadelphia ready
to jump if there is a God please just
let me die instantly when I hit the
water
oh and as I get gathered the courage to
jump a car honked as it drove past me on
the bridge and as I turned to look I saw
the light and first it was red and then
it was blue and then it was red and then
it was blue there was an emergency
vehicle headed my direction and I froze
and it wasn’t until those lights pulled
up behind my little jet on the bridge
to Pennsylvania highway patrolman
stepped out and very cautiously
I’m not okay do you need help yes I need
help so I was coaxed back to the inside
of the bridge where I was handcuffed and
loaded into the back of a police van and
one of the officers told me that evening
that I had my very own superhero someone
had seen me on the bridge and called
9-1-1 to get me help the little girl
inside of me likes to think it was
Wonder Woman so 12 years a marriage two
handsome boys and a divorce later I
found myself in the middle of a major
health crisis and I knew that something
had to change rapidly and drastically or
else I was going to be dead soon and I
spent some time thinking about all of
the things I’ve been through in life all
of the times I’ve been sexually abused
the times I had been raped the times I
had tried to take my own life only to
wake up in the morning and realize I
can’t get off this planet and I had to
ask myself if it had all happened so
that I could just fade away and die at
33 no no no that was not going to be the
ending of my story
so then why had it happened why did I
have to go through all of that it took
me a little bit of time but then one
Thursday afternoon while I was
meditating on the red couch of my
basement in Flagstaff Arizona it hit me
and suddenly it all made sense I took on
this mountain of sexual abuse to show
others the mountains can be moved I had
to go through hell
to find my way out to find my way to the
other side to healing and I needed to
create a bridge so that I could help
other people find their way to that day
on the red couch I stopped looking at
myself as a victim and I realized that
I’m less survivor I stopped taking my
life for granted and I started to fight
for it and in the process I had to learn
how to forgive but you know what I found
peace like I have never known before
and today I am living a life that I love
with a man that I adore who cherishes me
in return and together we’re raising
four amazing kids and it all started
that day on the red couch because that’s
the day I went from wounded to warrior
and now I am on a mission to end the
silence the childhood sexual abuse
thrives on and I need all of your help I
need each and every single one of you to
start talking about sexual abuse it’s
uncomfortable trust me I know but talk
to your loved ones and talk to your
friends most importantly talk to your
children start younger than you think
you need to because by the time I said I
is for ice cream I already had two years
of sexual abuse under my belt so teach
them very clearly what the boundaries
are and that it’s not okay for anybody
to cross those lines tell them that it’s
important to come and tell you if anyone
tries and let them know that you’re
going to love them no matter what teach
them how to respect these boundaries on
others so that they don’t grow up to
rape or abuse somebody else in the
future
your voice might be what it takes to
prevent something like this from
happening and maybe you’re already too
late or forbid it happens anyways keep
talking about it
your voice might be what it takes for
another survivor to find their own and
it’s not until they find their voice
that they too can begin the journey of
going from wounded to warrior thank you