hi everybody I was a classroom teacher
for 15 years and I’m still a teacher at
heart only now I teach people about
restorative practice and restorative
practice offers language skills tools to
consciously build positive relationships
and to manage conflict when it occurs in
a healthy way and I’m going to share one
of those tips with you tonight I have
done a lot of research in this area and
helping teachers to implement
restorative practice and their most
challenging classes and with their most
challenging students and the positive
outcomes have really inspired my passion
and commitment for the work that I do I
really believe in it as a teacher as a
human being in the world I feel it has
so much to offer as well and at the
heart of the restorative approach are
the values the restorative values such
as empathy and respect and I will share
time with you where I’m really rocking
those values the right classroom for
first I’m gonna tell you a story at a
time why Varadhan disconnected and this
this example is classroom based but any
of you in the audience that has a
teenager in your life might be able to
relate to this scenario it’s a Thursday
afternoon and I’m tired a little bit
overwhelmed and one of my love these
students Lauren comes in at her homework
done and I jump straight to the attack
you know giving out and she raised her
eyes to heaven and I say did you just
raise your eyes to heaven and she says
yeah and I said well we see about that
I’ve just got a half past three and she
said how we won’t because I won’t be
there and I said oh yes you will and if
you’re not there you’ll be in big
trouble I didn’t quite know what the
trouble was gonna be but I knew I was
gonna put a lot of effort and energy
into finding us you know and at the time
I’m the poster girl of my school for
restorative practice and I could hear
this voice in my head saying what are
you doing and I can’t help us you know
I’m just on one and it escalates the
whole class is like that I go home with
headache and then the power struggle bit
Lauren I’ve disconnected from my values
I am not trying to connect with Lauren
and cultivate empathy I’m not as modern
respect
which isn’t something you hustle for
believe your homework during us it’s
just a given because we are
I wasn’t promoting accountability given
lara in power to be part of the solution
I was just trying to punish her and make
her do what I say because I say so
where are my values there as a teacher
I’ve always felt fast what we know
matters but who we are matters more and
I didn’t like who I was that day I
wasn’t being my best self although I was
probably doing the best I could in that
moment because calm is a super power
Brene brown and empathy researcher on my
very favorite TED talk or of all time by
the way maybe until tonight but she she
says that calm is a practice that it’s
not like we’re born here campus or
you’re not calm people practice two
things before they respond you know what
they do they read and they ask questions
so the next day Lauren comes in like
this and she sits down she’s looking at
me and if I’m being totally honest part
of me is like oh with done
and then I breathe I might ask myself a
very powerful question and this question
has been a great friend to me over the
years
it’s who do I want to be in this
situation and of course I want to be
someone that models and lives my values
what’s brilliant about restorative
practice is that it offers a scaffold an
explicit language to breathe life into
the values so their values and action
especially helpful in times of challenge
when we can use the armor off disconnect
and miss our opportunity for empathy so
I invite Lauren to connect with me by
asking and modeling these very six
simple questions and I say yeah look
Lauren I just want to discuss what
happened yes it with the homework okay
and she says that yeah I’m I said at the
time I wasn’t thinking and I went
straight to the attack and since then
I’m thinking I really could have handled
that better I’m sorry for how I spoke to
you and she said to me straight away mr.
grant I was pure cheeky and I said look
from your perspective what happened and
she said well I came in I didn’t have my
home with John you went mad at me and
she said I was a bit cheeky and I said
okay I said look what were you thinking
at the time and she said I was pink and
had I done something on you or he didn’t
like me or something I’ve never seen you
gone like that before
I said no um my mom was sick at the time
I said Lauren my mum’s not well and I’m
tired I think I just probably took it
out in you you know I said what are you
thinking now with her question and she
said you were just having a bad day I
said I was just having a bad day I said
look fourth question who was affected by
that I said I know I was very stressed I
said I took it to the next class and I
was guilty without the guilty when I
went home I said how about you and she
said yeah I was upset as I was a bit
embarrassed I said I was kind of worried
about coming here today I said I’m sorry
I know and she said no I’m sorry too and
I said okay well look what could we done
differently
fifth question and she said I said look
from my perspective I think I’m gonna
calmly said can i speech at the end I
said how are you and she said she’s I
could have told you the start I didn’t
have my homework done I said yeah or
like you could have done the homework
you know
I’m a she’s like oh yeah but we had a
chat about what happened that the
homework wasn’t doing and her sixth
question what needs to happen next
and honestly Lauren and I got on better
since that day than ever it was an
opportunity to practice empathy there’s
a huge empathy deficit in our culture
and empathy is something that we can
teach it can grow but you need to
cultivate us and there are start of
questions facilitate us they do two
things they invite us to see each
other’s perspective a key ingredient of
empathy and they allow us to feel with
one another which is what empathy is to
feel with others I now work in schools
and organizations with teachers and
students who wish to cultivate a
restorative culture but this is relevant
in the classroom in the board room in
the living room where were these people
and relationships so I’d invite you the
next time you find yourself maybe in a
challenging situation or in a difficult
conversation to practice calmness to
pause ask yourself who do I want to be
in this situation and maybe instead of
saying why are the dishwasher still full
ask what happened but the dishwasher is
full or quietly late what happened that
you’re late
why did you just say that your sister
what happened that you said that to your
sister or in my case what happened that
the homework isn’t done and the my
Gisela was turned towards one another
people in the workshops and lectures I
do often ask me does restorative
practice really work and what they want
to know usually is just the other person
change and in my example it might look
like success lies in the fact that
Lauren chose to work with me the second
day in my own practice you know my
research there’s huge evidence that a
restorative approach maximizes the
potential for this boss either urge you
not to look at external outcome as your
only lens or measure of success maya
angelou my favorite writer says the
success is like in yourself like and
what you do and like and how you do it
and the truth is I really like Who I am
when I’m with Sara t’v and being who I
want to be in the world so for me it
always works practically speaking the
questions move us from blame and attack
to empathy the heart of difficult
conversations and on a personal note I
believe that spiritually they move us
from fear to love and this is what I
think our lovely world needs more
empathy more love thank you
[Applause]
for 15 years and I’m still a teacher at
heart only now I teach people about
restorative practice and restorative
practice offers language skills tools to
consciously build positive relationships
and to manage conflict when it occurs in
a healthy way and I’m going to share one
of those tips with you tonight I have
done a lot of research in this area and
helping teachers to implement
restorative practice and their most
challenging classes and with their most
challenging students and the positive
outcomes have really inspired my passion
and commitment for the work that I do I
really believe in it as a teacher as a
human being in the world I feel it has
so much to offer as well and at the
heart of the restorative approach are
the values the restorative values such
as empathy and respect and I will share
time with you where I’m really rocking
those values the right classroom for
first I’m gonna tell you a story at a
time why Varadhan disconnected and this
this example is classroom based but any
of you in the audience that has a
teenager in your life might be able to
relate to this scenario it’s a Thursday
afternoon and I’m tired a little bit
overwhelmed and one of my love these
students Lauren comes in at her homework
done and I jump straight to the attack
you know giving out and she raised her
eyes to heaven and I say did you just
raise your eyes to heaven and she says
yeah and I said well we see about that
I’ve just got a half past three and she
said how we won’t because I won’t be
there and I said oh yes you will and if
you’re not there you’ll be in big
trouble I didn’t quite know what the
trouble was gonna be but I knew I was
gonna put a lot of effort and energy
into finding us you know and at the time
I’m the poster girl of my school for
restorative practice and I could hear
this voice in my head saying what are
you doing and I can’t help us you know
I’m just on one and it escalates the
whole class is like that I go home with
headache and then the power struggle bit
Lauren I’ve disconnected from my values
I am not trying to connect with Lauren
and cultivate empathy I’m not as modern
respect
which isn’t something you hustle for
believe your homework during us it’s
just a given because we are
I wasn’t promoting accountability given
lara in power to be part of the solution
I was just trying to punish her and make
her do what I say because I say so
where are my values there as a teacher
I’ve always felt fast what we know
matters but who we are matters more and
I didn’t like who I was that day I
wasn’t being my best self although I was
probably doing the best I could in that
moment because calm is a super power
Brene brown and empathy researcher on my
very favorite TED talk or of all time by
the way maybe until tonight but she she
says that calm is a practice that it’s
not like we’re born here campus or
you’re not calm people practice two
things before they respond you know what
they do they read and they ask questions
so the next day Lauren comes in like
this and she sits down she’s looking at
me and if I’m being totally honest part
of me is like oh with done
and then I breathe I might ask myself a
very powerful question and this question
has been a great friend to me over the
years
it’s who do I want to be in this
situation and of course I want to be
someone that models and lives my values
what’s brilliant about restorative
practice is that it offers a scaffold an
explicit language to breathe life into
the values so their values and action
especially helpful in times of challenge
when we can use the armor off disconnect
and miss our opportunity for empathy so
I invite Lauren to connect with me by
asking and modeling these very six
simple questions and I say yeah look
Lauren I just want to discuss what
happened yes it with the homework okay
and she says that yeah I’m I said at the
time I wasn’t thinking and I went
straight to the attack and since then
I’m thinking I really could have handled
that better I’m sorry for how I spoke to
you and she said to me straight away mr.
grant I was pure cheeky and I said look
from your perspective what happened and
she said well I came in I didn’t have my
home with John you went mad at me and
she said I was a bit cheeky and I said
okay I said look what were you thinking
at the time and she said I was pink and
had I done something on you or he didn’t
like me or something I’ve never seen you
gone like that before
I said no um my mom was sick at the time
I said Lauren my mum’s not well and I’m
tired I think I just probably took it
out in you you know I said what are you
thinking now with her question and she
said you were just having a bad day I
said I was just having a bad day I said
look fourth question who was affected by
that I said I know I was very stressed I
said I took it to the next class and I
was guilty without the guilty when I
went home I said how about you and she
said yeah I was upset as I was a bit
embarrassed I said I was kind of worried
about coming here today I said I’m sorry
I know and she said no I’m sorry too and
I said okay well look what could we done
differently
fifth question and she said I said look
from my perspective I think I’m gonna
calmly said can i speech at the end I
said how are you and she said she’s I
could have told you the start I didn’t
have my homework done I said yeah or
like you could have done the homework
you know
I’m a she’s like oh yeah but we had a
chat about what happened that the
homework wasn’t doing and her sixth
question what needs to happen next
and honestly Lauren and I got on better
since that day than ever it was an
opportunity to practice empathy there’s
a huge empathy deficit in our culture
and empathy is something that we can
teach it can grow but you need to
cultivate us and there are start of
questions facilitate us they do two
things they invite us to see each
other’s perspective a key ingredient of
empathy and they allow us to feel with
one another which is what empathy is to
feel with others I now work in schools
and organizations with teachers and
students who wish to cultivate a
restorative culture but this is relevant
in the classroom in the board room in
the living room where were these people
and relationships so I’d invite you the
next time you find yourself maybe in a
challenging situation or in a difficult
conversation to practice calmness to
pause ask yourself who do I want to be
in this situation and maybe instead of
saying why are the dishwasher still full
ask what happened but the dishwasher is
full or quietly late what happened that
you’re late
why did you just say that your sister
what happened that you said that to your
sister or in my case what happened that
the homework isn’t done and the my
Gisela was turned towards one another
people in the workshops and lectures I
do often ask me does restorative
practice really work and what they want
to know usually is just the other person
change and in my example it might look
like success lies in the fact that
Lauren chose to work with me the second
day in my own practice you know my
research there’s huge evidence that a
restorative approach maximizes the
potential for this boss either urge you
not to look at external outcome as your
only lens or measure of success maya
angelou my favorite writer says the
success is like in yourself like and
what you do and like and how you do it
and the truth is I really like Who I am
when I’m with Sara t’v and being who I
want to be in the world so for me it
always works practically speaking the
questions move us from blame and attack
to empathy the heart of difficult
conversations and on a personal note I
believe that spiritually they move us
from fear to love and this is what I
think our lovely world needs more
empathy more love thank you
[Applause]
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