one of the most fascinating things that
I’ve seen here and not in any of the
places I lived in before is the
frequency level at which roads keep
changing so show hands how many of you
thought you were taking the usual road
to only find yourself at the dead end or
to cross road know it which direction
will take you through destination yeah I
would like to see that I’m not the only
one here however I am not here to speak
about the work of the road and Transport
Authority the kind of cross road I’m
referring to is the one that we keep
facing as we cruise through our life
journey I’m sure that most of you if not
all have at least once once in your life
found yourself at that life junction
where you had to make a decision or a
choice about the next direction so my
question to you is how did you go about
making that choice I want you to take
five seconds five seconds think of a
recent decision you made and ask
yourself how did you make it well let me
take you through my journey of decision
making I’m one of five sisters yes
five girls no boys and my dad is a happy
man yeah that’s what he says growing up
people used to say that I’m smart and
dependent strong headed girl that would
be going places I lived my life trying
to live up to that image the image that
society family and friends had of me I
went to university to please my parents
I started my career working on rich
sites just to prove that girls and women
can do it can work on websites not an
issue
I’m saving jobs longer than I need to or
had to only to prove to people or not to
be
actually a failure and I buried myself
at work and continues travel only to
avoid the question and mal when are you
planning to have kids and the list goes
on and on and on and on this kind of
behavior continue to guide my life
choices until when at the top of my game
with an extremely successful career a
loving caring husband and family a
growing business the ball dropped I hit
the wall I found myself at dead-end
we need no clear direction not even a
hint for the next move for the first
time for the first time in my life I
experienced an inexplicable helplessness
for weeks and months I sell myself
crying crying no stop and I didn’t know
why I was crying for all I knew is I
couldn’t stop myself from crying I so
the doubt actually settling in into my
life decision that used to take me
seconds to make in the office we’re now
taking me days weeks and if only if only
I was to pull the plug I so my voice my
strong very assertive voice disappearing
my self confidence my self-esteem
dropped and I didn’t know what was wrong
with me I know I was scared I was
actually scared terrified to share it a
couple of months later I was diagnosed I
was diagnosed with clinical depression
yes
clinical depression or what people
around me prefer to call a burnout and
oh boy what a relief to hear that at
least now I knew what was wrong with me
I knew why I was crying I knew what was
happening to me and I could do something
about it that’s what I thought my
husband my parents and my sisters told
me it’s a matter of a couple of weeks
her mouth and he would snap out of it no
in your mouth you would be no problem
just take the tablet and you’ll be fine
and I thought yes I would be fine couple
of weeks I wish a couple of months it
would have been great
try two years two full years of hell two
years were a simple task such as getting
out of bed and getting ready for a 9:00
o’clock meeting was a chore
things that used to bring me pleasure
and joy such as listening to music
meeting friends socializing going to
theater dancing were an absolute
nuisance I was scared I was terrified
mortified and I kept asking myself where
did I go wrong why did this happen to me
why me and why now
in particular I was so angry I was angry
at myself for not being able to fix
myself I was angry at my husband because
he couldn’t help me heal I was angry at
my parents because they didn’t prepare
me for this Junction I was angry I
at the world producing me to the person
all I wanted at that time is to feel
alive that’s all I wanted is to feel joy
to feel happy again and when I thought
about it I got even more scared scared
to know not know how to be happy again I
was so ashamed to tell people what was
wrong with me and what was going on with
me
that I buried myself and I stayed
prisoner of my house for months for the
first time in my life I understood the
true meaning of the f-word fear fear
with a big capital F I realized that all
choices that I made until then were
driven by fear fear to lose face free to
disappoint loved ones fear not to be
there and most importantly it was the
fear to not live up to the labels and
the persona I created for myself and I’m
sure that we all have labels to live up
to let me tell you a little bit about
the labels I had of myself strong and
dependent tomboy
those were my labels growing up as a kid
and they were the ones I built my entire
adulthood around strong sin animus of no
space for emotions now time to be
vulnerable ruthless and dependent I can
take care of myself I don’t need anybody
I’m invincible tomboy oh boy
don’t go there I can’t be feminine no
dresses in my wardrobe so now high heel
no makeup nothing absolutely nothing
that will make me look or feel or even
identify with the weaker sex how sad is
that I allowed fewer adjectives to
all I could tell you about that time of
my life it was that it was the most
terrifying time of my life but also the
most liberating time of my life for the
first time I did not need to manage
others people expectation or feelings I
didn’t need to do anything that I didn’t
want to do going through depression was
actually a blessing rather than a curse
it was a false pose but that force pause
allowed me to reflect and review my life
it was a rebirth to me it was an
awakening of how I wanted to live my
life moving forward what those two years
taught me it was the value and the power
of vulnerability for healing the ability
to fall and knowing that somebody would
be there for you it’s a blessing letting
go it’s a blessing I know I learned the
importance of living life honoring my
values and the gift that comes from them
rather than trying to live up to labels
I also understood the true meaning of
owning my feelings and my emotion and
why they shouldn’t be affected and
dictated by what people think of me now
I am in charge of my life and I’m
thriving not surviving I rely on my
intuition to guide me I rest when I need
to rest I go into introspection when I
feel like it I connect and grow as I
feel and I take time to celebrate my
life and its successes and one of the
key lessons I learned through that
process is that we are all at a choice
yes we all had a choice however it takes
courage to act on it and when it comes
to making choices all I needed to do is
shift the source from fear to courage
and let me tell you a little bit more
about what I mean by the word courage
here when we hear the word courage words
such as bravery warrior dare and force
comes to mind however if you were to
look at the word courage in a dictionary
you will get that courage actually comes
from the latin word car which means
heart
place the feeling and care so courage is
about taking care of yourself
when making choices from courage you
need to listen you need to listen to
your pains and joys and practice
compassion acceptance and openness with
self so next time that you find yourself
in that cruise control mode and you hit
that junction of your life and you need
to make a choice or a decision I will
invite you to take an intended pause I
mean it an intended post don’t wait
until when you get a burnout or
depression or a crisis before you do it
and ask yourself what would you do if
you were to drop the fear thank you [Applause]