[Applause]
okay so before I actually get into my
talk I’m gonna tell y’all quick little
story about me I want you to remember a
low desire beautiful little girl who’s
in elementary school and at this time
when I was that young my grandma and my
aunt would do my hair and they would do
my hair in these Collatz slash twist
type of braids in my hair and at the end
they’ll have these plastic colorful
barrettes and the girls in here know
what I’m talking about the ones when you
shake your head they’ll hit your face
and it hurt and one particular day at my
elementary school my so-called friends
told me that I would look good with
short hair and of course at that time I
stuck the I used to seek the approval of
my friends because there were certain
things that I wasn’t getting in my life
at the time that I got from my friends
so whenever my friends would ask me to
do something I would do it whenever they
would ask me to join or follow I would
automatically do it because I wanted
them to still be my friends I wanted to
have friends at that point in my time in
my life and so a couple hours later when
I was on that yellow school bus I
decided to get a pair of scissors and I
started cutting my hair and I didn’t cut
one braid I didn’t cut two braids three
braids like I started cutting my hair
Edward Scissorhands style
I had patches in my head I cut off most
of my hair and when I saw what I’ve done
all I could think about was they said
that I look good with short hair so I
was just like okay and when I was an
elementary school my grandma had a job
where she would come home at about 11:00
p.m. every single night so she wouldn’t
see me at night so I was basically in
the clear during that night now I didn’t
register that I’m gonna have to see this
woman in the morning like I’m I will
have to see her later on in my life
so I took all the hair and because I
thought I was so smart I didn’t throw it
away in the trash because I thought oh
my god she’s gonna see it so I put it
under my bed and somehow someway when
she was cleaning she swept it under and
she saw my hair
and she was screaming at me and she was
wondering what had happened to my hair
and I basically blamed it on one of my
fellow elementary school friends named
Daryl and I said oh my god he cut my
hair and that’s wasn’t true at all
like they figured out it wasn’t Daryl
when I went up to the school and when I
think about that story in my life I
think about how where exactly does that
even come from where does that even
stimulate from where does that even come
from why automatically after I do
something or I say something to somebody
I feel the need to blame somebody else
for my problems or why do we do that as
a society so when I went into some
research and I thought about where
exactly does it stimulate from I
realized that it does come from emotions
at some point so some emotions that you
may feel before you feel the need to
blame somebody is discomfort or shame
nervousness or anger and discomfort a
shame it’s when you’re uncomfortable
with a situation or you feel a shame
about a certain situation so instead of
actually taking on those emotions you
pass that on to the person that you
blamed nervousness now when I speak
about nervousness I’m talking about
consequences or outcomes so in my hair
situation what do you think was going to
happen after my grandmother found out I
cut my hair I was about to get a whoopin
obviously she was gonna get the belt or
the switch and she was gonna whip me so
I blamed somebody else because I didn’t
want to face that consequence when I was
that age and in anger now when I’m
talking about anger I’m talking about
when you’re in an argument with somebody
and you start to get defensive now when
you’re getting defensive at some point
when you recap the argument you think
thoughts like she made me angry or he
made me punch him in the face or he said
this that made me want to get at him and
when you’re hearing that all you hear is
excuses you’re blaming somebody else for
your actions and you’re blaming somebody
else for your emotions as if you have no
control over you may not have any
control over your thoughts at some point
in your life but you do have control
over what you say and what you do to
others now as I started researching a
little bit more I realized that the only
person who actually discussed this topic
a little bit in their TED talk was this
fellow not fellow but this other TED
speaker named brunette brown she’s a
famous writer she’s a famous author
she’s a famous TED talk or her most
popular TED talk was the power of
vulnerability where she talks about why
is it so difficult for humans to be
vulnerable in their lifetime or in a
daily data light day to day life
and she describes blame as discharging
discomfort and pain so all those
emotions that I mentioned to you earlier
discomfort shame nervousness anger those
are emotions that we don’t necessarily
want to feel so we pass that on to the
blame or the person that we’re blaming
and she talks about she describes
accountability which is a vulnerable
process where you actually have to go
through those emotions so her example
she used was being able to call somebody
up and say hey like I know I really hurt
your feelings like can we actually talk
about this I’m sorry for what I said I’m
sorry for what I did and this isn’t that
you can’t go through a vulnerable
process without taking the current
accountability for your actions and what
you say and what you do now I realized
when I was having this talk that I
couldn’t just necessarily talk about
where blame stimulated from I had to
talk about the options that we do have
to actually stop blaming others for our
problems now option one would be
communication obviously in order for you
to even take accountability for your
action you have to have a conversation
with the person that you blamed or with
the person that you were involved in the
arts and arts occasion with now when I
think about communication I think about
fake apologies and y’all know what fake
apologies are the I’m sorry that I hurt
your feelings versus I’m sorry that you
felt like I hurt your feelings
those two words you and I are very
important words when it does come to
apologies because you is such a direct
word so when you say you it feels as if
you’re passing on that blame and you’re
passing on all of the negative aspects
of your argument or your or your
physical fire or anything like that
you’re passing it off to the other
person rather than saying I and
equalizing that blame and then we have
option two which is understanding your
triggers I had a conversation with him
with one of my friends last week and I
basically talked to her
what exactly triggers you during an
argument now I’m not talking about your
emotions I’m saying what phrases what
words triggers you to where at some
where at some point an argument you’re
thinking this is not my fault anymore
like you’re causing this argument to get
even worse than it already is
and she said I hate it when people come
for my character I hate when people try
to lie on my name I hate when people
assume that they know me when they don’t
actually know me that’s what I hate that
what triggers me during an argument and
so I asked her what do you do after that
and she says well obviously I get
defensive and she saw it’s insulting she
starts calling not necessarily calling
out their name but she starts throwing
insults at them making them feel bad
because once you’re triggered at that
point there’s nothing to talk about
right you feel like you have to hurt the
other person’s feelings and when I want
for option two is when you’re
understanding your triggers you have to
be able to know what your triggers are
so for hers would be when people try to
call out my character and be able to say
like even though this is what they’re
doing right now I can mine my actions
and that can mine my words so I know
what I’m doing an option three will
obviously be to take ownership now even
though it may sound the most easiest
people take ownership in the argument
it’s not because being able to fully say
what you did and what you said to
another person is a very vulnerable
process so a lot of people when you’re
acts what did you do during this
argument they would cut bits and pieces
out y’all know what I’m talking the cut
little things out to where it doesn’t
sound so bad on their part which is not
what taking account about accountability
is you have to be able to say everything
that what you did or everything what you
said in order to go through the entire
process of taking accountability and
when I’m sitting up when I’m standing up
here and I’m talking to you about this
I’m not saying trying to single people
out or call people out I’m doing this
talk only because I feel like this is a
very important topic that we don’t
really discuss much because I do see it
happen in my school I do see it happen
in politics I see it happen in the
government I see it happen everywhere
where we’re blaming other people for our
problems there could have been so many
wars so many fights that could have been
stopped if everyone would just take
accountability for their actions
and that’s just when I once it brought
out here thank you [Applause]
okay so before I actually get into my
talk I’m gonna tell y’all quick little
story about me I want you to remember a
low desire beautiful little girl who’s
in elementary school and at this time
when I was that young my grandma and my
aunt would do my hair and they would do
my hair in these Collatz slash twist
type of braids in my hair and at the end
they’ll have these plastic colorful
barrettes and the girls in here know
what I’m talking about the ones when you
shake your head they’ll hit your face
and it hurt and one particular day at my
elementary school my so-called friends
told me that I would look good with
short hair and of course at that time I
stuck the I used to seek the approval of
my friends because there were certain
things that I wasn’t getting in my life
at the time that I got from my friends
so whenever my friends would ask me to
do something I would do it whenever they
would ask me to join or follow I would
automatically do it because I wanted
them to still be my friends I wanted to
have friends at that point in my time in
my life and so a couple hours later when
I was on that yellow school bus I
decided to get a pair of scissors and I
started cutting my hair and I didn’t cut
one braid I didn’t cut two braids three
braids like I started cutting my hair
Edward Scissorhands style
I had patches in my head I cut off most
of my hair and when I saw what I’ve done
all I could think about was they said
that I look good with short hair so I
was just like okay and when I was an
elementary school my grandma had a job
where she would come home at about 11:00
p.m. every single night so she wouldn’t
see me at night so I was basically in
the clear during that night now I didn’t
register that I’m gonna have to see this
woman in the morning like I’m I will
have to see her later on in my life
so I took all the hair and because I
thought I was so smart I didn’t throw it
away in the trash because I thought oh
my god she’s gonna see it so I put it
under my bed and somehow someway when
she was cleaning she swept it under and
she saw my hair
and she was screaming at me and she was
wondering what had happened to my hair
and I basically blamed it on one of my
fellow elementary school friends named
Daryl and I said oh my god he cut my
hair and that’s wasn’t true at all
like they figured out it wasn’t Daryl
when I went up to the school and when I
think about that story in my life I
think about how where exactly does that
even come from where does that even
stimulate from where does that even come
from why automatically after I do
something or I say something to somebody
I feel the need to blame somebody else
for my problems or why do we do that as
a society so when I went into some
research and I thought about where
exactly does it stimulate from I
realized that it does come from emotions
at some point so some emotions that you
may feel before you feel the need to
blame somebody is discomfort or shame
nervousness or anger and discomfort a
shame it’s when you’re uncomfortable
with a situation or you feel a shame
about a certain situation so instead of
actually taking on those emotions you
pass that on to the person that you
blamed nervousness now when I speak
about nervousness I’m talking about
consequences or outcomes so in my hair
situation what do you think was going to
happen after my grandmother found out I
cut my hair I was about to get a whoopin
obviously she was gonna get the belt or
the switch and she was gonna whip me so
I blamed somebody else because I didn’t
want to face that consequence when I was
that age and in anger now when I’m
talking about anger I’m talking about
when you’re in an argument with somebody
and you start to get defensive now when
you’re getting defensive at some point
when you recap the argument you think
thoughts like she made me angry or he
made me punch him in the face or he said
this that made me want to get at him and
when you’re hearing that all you hear is
excuses you’re blaming somebody else for
your actions and you’re blaming somebody
else for your emotions as if you have no
control over you may not have any
control over your thoughts at some point
in your life but you do have control
over what you say and what you do to
others now as I started researching a
little bit more I realized that the only
person who actually discussed this topic
a little bit in their TED talk was this
fellow not fellow but this other TED
speaker named brunette brown she’s a
famous writer she’s a famous author
she’s a famous TED talk or her most
popular TED talk was the power of
vulnerability where she talks about why
is it so difficult for humans to be
vulnerable in their lifetime or in a
daily data light day to day life
and she describes blame as discharging
discomfort and pain so all those
emotions that I mentioned to you earlier
discomfort shame nervousness anger those
are emotions that we don’t necessarily
want to feel so we pass that on to the
blame or the person that we’re blaming
and she talks about she describes
accountability which is a vulnerable
process where you actually have to go
through those emotions so her example
she used was being able to call somebody
up and say hey like I know I really hurt
your feelings like can we actually talk
about this I’m sorry for what I said I’m
sorry for what I did and this isn’t that
you can’t go through a vulnerable
process without taking the current
accountability for your actions and what
you say and what you do now I realized
when I was having this talk that I
couldn’t just necessarily talk about
where blame stimulated from I had to
talk about the options that we do have
to actually stop blaming others for our
problems now option one would be
communication obviously in order for you
to even take accountability for your
action you have to have a conversation
with the person that you blamed or with
the person that you were involved in the
arts and arts occasion with now when I
think about communication I think about
fake apologies and y’all know what fake
apologies are the I’m sorry that I hurt
your feelings versus I’m sorry that you
felt like I hurt your feelings
those two words you and I are very
important words when it does come to
apologies because you is such a direct
word so when you say you it feels as if
you’re passing on that blame and you’re
passing on all of the negative aspects
of your argument or your or your
physical fire or anything like that
you’re passing it off to the other
person rather than saying I and
equalizing that blame and then we have
option two which is understanding your
triggers I had a conversation with him
with one of my friends last week and I
basically talked to her
what exactly triggers you during an
argument now I’m not talking about your
emotions I’m saying what phrases what
words triggers you to where at some
where at some point an argument you’re
thinking this is not my fault anymore
like you’re causing this argument to get
even worse than it already is
and she said I hate it when people come
for my character I hate when people try
to lie on my name I hate when people
assume that they know me when they don’t
actually know me that’s what I hate that
what triggers me during an argument and
so I asked her what do you do after that
and she says well obviously I get
defensive and she saw it’s insulting she
starts calling not necessarily calling
out their name but she starts throwing
insults at them making them feel bad
because once you’re triggered at that
point there’s nothing to talk about
right you feel like you have to hurt the
other person’s feelings and when I want
for option two is when you’re
understanding your triggers you have to
be able to know what your triggers are
so for hers would be when people try to
call out my character and be able to say
like even though this is what they’re
doing right now I can mine my actions
and that can mine my words so I know
what I’m doing an option three will
obviously be to take ownership now even
though it may sound the most easiest
people take ownership in the argument
it’s not because being able to fully say
what you did and what you said to
another person is a very vulnerable
process so a lot of people when you’re
acts what did you do during this
argument they would cut bits and pieces
out y’all know what I’m talking the cut
little things out to where it doesn’t
sound so bad on their part which is not
what taking account about accountability
is you have to be able to say everything
that what you did or everything what you
said in order to go through the entire
process of taking accountability and
when I’m sitting up when I’m standing up
here and I’m talking to you about this
I’m not saying trying to single people
out or call people out I’m doing this
talk only because I feel like this is a
very important topic that we don’t
really discuss much because I do see it
happen in my school I do see it happen
in politics I see it happen in the
government I see it happen everywhere
where we’re blaming other people for our
problems there could have been so many
wars so many fights that could have been
stopped if everyone would just take
accountability for their actions
and that’s just when I once it brought
out here thank you [Applause]
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