I have struggled with feelings of
unworthiness for as long as I can
remember from the outside my life looked
pretty perfect when I was growing up my
parents had a happy marriage were
supportive and learned enough for us to
be more than comfortable I was mostly
happy but I also had a deep sense that
something was wrong with me my most
painful moments were at parties when I
went to black parties my friends made
fun of me because I was rhythmically
challenged and I couldn’t get my awkward
middle-school body to mimic the latest
dance moves as the only black girl at
parties associated with my predominantly
white school I was never chosen to dance
I was never the object of anyone’s
attention I felt like I didn’t belong so
around age 12 I decided that the way to
cure these feelings of unworthiness was
perfection simple right if I was just
perfect then I would fit in I would be
chosen I would really be happy so I
threw myself into formal dance classes
worked hard in school and tried to be a
supportive and selfless friend my
self-esteem was high when I got good
grades and felt included but crashed
when I didn’t do well academically or
was left out in college busyness became
my key strategy for trying to feel
worthy I juggle classes and tutoring in
the Black Student Union and student
government is already a gospel choir a
step team barely giving myself time to
breathe to think to be after
my attention turned to trying to find a
relationship to feel the void the
anxiety and ups and downs I experienced
in this quest were exhausting
I remember going out to bars and clubs
and just like in junior high was rarely
the one chosen to dance I began to
question my attractiveness with my brown
skin and kinky hair be accepted by a
potential partner despite these
questions I held on to the hope that if
I could just find someone to love me
then I would finally feel worthy I’ll
let you in on a secret it worked
not the perfectionism the busyness the
relationships well maybe some of it did
for a moment right after starting a new
relationship or getting a good grade I
felt worthy but soon enough my feelings
of self-worth slipped away and I was on
to pursuing the next thing as soon as I
reached the bar I had set for my worth
it was raised have you ever experienced
that I’m standing here today because
after several years of therapy spiritual
growth and a PhD in clinical psychology
I have begun to cultivate an
unconditional self-worth I’m shedding
the belief that I’m not good enough the
anxiety that not doing things perfectly
or meeting the right person means that
I’m not okay
I’m embracing myself quirks and all and
this new path is liberating enlivening
and life-giving let me share what I’ve
learned with you in the hopes that
you’ll join me on this journey to
unconditional self-worth
you may be wondering if this is just
another talk on self-esteem no
self-worth is distinct from self-esteem
our self-esteem is derived from our
abilities accomplishments social
positions and things we believe we can
achieve we can bolster our self-esteem
by improving our skills or performance
and our self-esteem goes up and down
depending on how we’re doing in various
aspects of our lives
in contrast unconditional self-worth is
distinct from our abilities and
accomplishments it’s not about comparing
ourselves to others it’s not something
that we can have more or less of
unconditional self-worth is the sense
that you deserve to be alive to be loved
and cared for to take up space as a
clinical psychologist I believe that
pervasive low self-worth is a root cause
of mental illness and over the last
decade we’ve seen a rise in mental
illness throughout the US and the world
according to the World Health
Organization depression is the leading
cause of ill health and disability
worldwide think about that for a moment
the leading cause of illness and
disability is not diabetes physical
injury or cancer the leading cause of
ill health and disability throughout the
world is depression additionally
according to the anxiety and depression
Association of America 40 million people
over the age of 18 suffer from anxiety
disorders that’s almost five times the
number of people living in New York City
low self-worth can lead to anxiety and
depression it can lead people to opt out
of life and numb out on drugs and
alcohol even attempt suicide because the
pain of feeling unworthy is too much to
bear I have sat with hundreds of
students at one of the top universities
in the country and when we explore their
concerns and dig to the root we often
find that they are struggling with a
deep sense of unworthiness
so how did we get here how do we get to
a place where so many of us struggle
with low self-worth a place where more
and more people are living with mental
illness and addiction I believe there
are many factors that cause us to feel
this way
advertisements tell us that we need to
buy things to be loved accepted or to
succeed our educational system teaches
us that our worthiness as students is
based on our grades or test scores our
parents may have implied that they’d
love us more if we made the honor roll
or the varsity team those of us who have
experienced abuse sexual assault and
trauma may question our personhood and
very right to exist and as social media
pervades our lives we have begun to feel
that our worthiness is based on the
number of followers we have and likes we
get whatever the cause for many of us
our self-worth is tied to our
accomplishments and possessions and as
soon as we fail or lose approval we
experience low self-worth unconditional
self-worth is the antidote to low
unconditional self-worth is a way out of
self-criticism shame and unhealthy
behavior it is a way out of depression
anxiety and substance abuse it is time
for us to base our worth on the fact
that we are human to cultivate a worth
that persists even when life does not go
unconditional self-worth some people may
fear that if they get too satisfied with
themselves they won’t be motivated to
grow and change others may feel that
accepting themselves as worthy would be
arrogant and some may simply believe
often wonder what the world would look
like if we all cultivated unconditional
self-worth what would you find the
courage to do if you knew you were
worthy what would you dare to dream if
what would you stop doing if you knew
you were already worthy I believe people
would resolve conflicts without violence
that more people would dare to do
amazing things I believe that if our
self-worth wasn’t on the line the world
would look a lot better and more
peaceful for all of us now that’s a
so how do we make this vision real holds
evading unconditional self-worth is an
ongoing practice here are four ways you
can begin to feel more worthy starting
right here right now
first forgive yourself many of us
struggle to feel worthy because we are
angry with ourselves about past mistakes
forgiveness involves acknowledging and
accepting what has happened
acceptance releases us from blaming
ourselves and others and allows us to
move forward to forgive yourself reflect
on the circumstances that led to past
mistakes acknowledge the pain you
experienced and identify what you
learned from the situation
then say to yourself I forgive you in an honest and kind way second practice
honest and kind way second practice self-acceptance I think many of us
self-acceptance I think many of us struggle with low self-worth because we
struggle with low self-worth because we think there’s something wrong with us
think there’s something wrong with us and we refuse to accept ourselves the
and we refuse to accept ourselves the way we are we receive so many messages
way we are we receive so many messages that we are not ok the way we are we’re
that we are not ok the way we are we’re told that we need to change our bodies
told that we need to change our bodies our clothes our jobs
our clothes our jobs even our personalities to be acceptable
even our personalities to be acceptable see if you can let go of the thoughts
see if you can let go of the thoughts you have about how you think you should
you have about how you think you should feel look and be different instead focus
feel look and be different instead focus on the things you like about yourself
on the things you like about yourself and over time begin to embrace your
and over time begin to embrace your quirks your awkward laugh you’re crooked
quirks your awkward laugh you’re crooked smile your unusual way of thinking about
smile your unusual way of thinking about things through this acceptance you were
things through this acceptance you were acknowledging that you are worthy just
acknowledging that you are worthy just the way you are step 3
the way you are step 3 be there for yourself when life gets
be there for yourself when life gets rough I think many of us abandon
rough I think many of us abandon ourselves during times of challenge we
ourselves during times of challenge we engage in her self-criticism which only
engage in her self-criticism which only leaves us feeling worse and what we need
leaves us feeling worse and what we need most when we are going through a
most when we are going through a difficult time is for someone to say I
difficult time is for someone to say I see you I see how badly you’re hurting
see you I see how badly you’re hurting I’m here and we can do this for
I’m here and we can do this for ourselves the next time you experience
ourselves the next time you experience emotional pain acknowledge how you were
emotional pain acknowledge how you were feeling and offer yourself some comfort
feeling and offer yourself some comfort place your hand on your chest or give
place your hand on your chest or give yourself a hug and say something kind
yourself a hug and say something kind and soothing to yourself
finally connect to supportive people low self-worth can leave us feeling isolated
self-worth can leave us feeling isolated and alone and when we think there’s
and alone and when we think there’s something wrong with us we tend to pull
something wrong with us we tend to pull away from our relationships and this
away from our relationships and this isolation only exacerbates our feelings
isolation only exacerbates our feelings of unworthiness knowing that we are not
of unworthiness knowing that we are not alone in our struggles in pain reminds
alone in our struggles in pain reminds us that challenges do not make us
us that challenges do not make us unworthy connecting to supportive people
unworthy connecting to supportive people helps us to get in touch with our
helps us to get in touch with our humanity and our sense of worth this
humanity and our sense of worth this journey to unconditional self-worth is
journey to unconditional self-worth is not always easy the path is not straight
not always easy the path is not straight or smooth and you’ll face setbacks along
or smooth and you’ll face setbacks along the way
the way I certainly have it takes courage to
I certainly have it takes courage to free yourself from the conditions you’ve
free yourself from the conditions you’ve placed on your worth the process of
placed on your worth the process of forgiveness can be messy it can be scary
forgiveness can be messy it can be scary to accept ourselves as we are being
to accept ourselves as we are being there for ourselves can put us face to
there for ourselves can put us face to face with emotional pain and connecting
face with emotional pain and connecting to others can make us feel vulnerable
to others can make us feel vulnerable and I’m here to tell you that this
and I’m here to tell you that this journey is beautiful and worth taking on
journey is beautiful and worth taking on this journey you will find strength be
this journey you will find strength be grounded in your humanity and know that
grounded in your humanity and know that you are worthy so I challenge you to
you are worthy so I challenge you to embrace yourselves and begin living from
embrace yourselves and begin living from a place of worthiness to find your
a place of worthiness to find your metaphorical dancefloor and move freely
metaphorical dancefloor and move freely yes I said dancefloor and I returned to
yes I said dancefloor and I returned to the dance floor because that’s where my
the dance floor because that’s where my own struggles with unworthiness began
own struggles with unworthiness began but I’ve learned a few new moves since
but I’ve learned a few new moves since junior high last summer I went to the
junior high last summer I went to the Hyde Park Jazz Festival by myself and as
Hyde Park Jazz Festival by myself and as I sat watching people dancing to the
I sat watching people dancing to the live music I longed to get up and join
live music I longed to get up and join them but all of my old insecurities
them but all of my old insecurities about my dance moves and not being
about my dance moves and not being chosen showed
chosen showed luckily an elderly man invited me to
luckily an elderly man invited me to dance and after a song or two I began
dance and after a song or two I began dancing on my own and as the notes of
dancing on my own and as the notes of Latin jazz filled the air and I moved my
Latin jazz filled the air and I moved my body to the rhythm I felt free
body to the rhythm I felt free I felt exuberant I felt full of life
I felt exuberant I felt full of life I felt worthy thank you
I felt worthy thank you [Applause]
unworthiness for as long as I can
remember from the outside my life looked
pretty perfect when I was growing up my
parents had a happy marriage were
supportive and learned enough for us to
be more than comfortable I was mostly
happy but I also had a deep sense that
something was wrong with me my most
painful moments were at parties when I
went to black parties my friends made
fun of me because I was rhythmically
challenged and I couldn’t get my awkward
middle-school body to mimic the latest
dance moves as the only black girl at
parties associated with my predominantly
white school I was never chosen to dance
I was never the object of anyone’s
attention I felt like I didn’t belong so
around age 12 I decided that the way to
cure these feelings of unworthiness was
perfection simple right if I was just
perfect then I would fit in I would be
chosen I would really be happy so I
threw myself into formal dance classes
worked hard in school and tried to be a
supportive and selfless friend my
self-esteem was high when I got good
grades and felt included but crashed
when I didn’t do well academically or
was left out in college busyness became
my key strategy for trying to feel
worthy I juggle classes and tutoring in
the Black Student Union and student
government is already a gospel choir a
step team barely giving myself time to
breathe to think to be after
my attention turned to trying to find a
relationship to feel the void the
anxiety and ups and downs I experienced
in this quest were exhausting
I remember going out to bars and clubs
and just like in junior high was rarely
the one chosen to dance I began to
question my attractiveness with my brown
skin and kinky hair be accepted by a
potential partner despite these
questions I held on to the hope that if
I could just find someone to love me
then I would finally feel worthy I’ll
let you in on a secret it worked
not the perfectionism the busyness the
relationships well maybe some of it did
for a moment right after starting a new
relationship or getting a good grade I
felt worthy but soon enough my feelings
of self-worth slipped away and I was on
to pursuing the next thing as soon as I
reached the bar I had set for my worth
it was raised have you ever experienced
that I’m standing here today because
after several years of therapy spiritual
growth and a PhD in clinical psychology
I have begun to cultivate an
unconditional self-worth I’m shedding
the belief that I’m not good enough the
anxiety that not doing things perfectly
or meeting the right person means that
I’m not okay
I’m embracing myself quirks and all and
this new path is liberating enlivening
and life-giving let me share what I’ve
learned with you in the hopes that
you’ll join me on this journey to
unconditional self-worth
you may be wondering if this is just
another talk on self-esteem no
self-worth is distinct from self-esteem
our self-esteem is derived from our
abilities accomplishments social
positions and things we believe we can
achieve we can bolster our self-esteem
by improving our skills or performance
and our self-esteem goes up and down
depending on how we’re doing in various
aspects of our lives
in contrast unconditional self-worth is
distinct from our abilities and
accomplishments it’s not about comparing
ourselves to others it’s not something
that we can have more or less of
unconditional self-worth is the sense
that you deserve to be alive to be loved
and cared for to take up space as a
clinical psychologist I believe that
pervasive low self-worth is a root cause
of mental illness and over the last
decade we’ve seen a rise in mental
illness throughout the US and the world
according to the World Health
Organization depression is the leading
cause of ill health and disability
worldwide think about that for a moment
the leading cause of illness and
disability is not diabetes physical
injury or cancer the leading cause of
ill health and disability throughout the
world is depression additionally
according to the anxiety and depression
Association of America 40 million people
over the age of 18 suffer from anxiety
disorders that’s almost five times the
number of people living in New York City
low self-worth can lead to anxiety and
depression it can lead people to opt out
of life and numb out on drugs and
alcohol even attempt suicide because the
pain of feeling unworthy is too much to
bear I have sat with hundreds of
students at one of the top universities
in the country and when we explore their
concerns and dig to the root we often
find that they are struggling with a
deep sense of unworthiness
so how did we get here how do we get to
a place where so many of us struggle
with low self-worth a place where more
and more people are living with mental
illness and addiction I believe there
are many factors that cause us to feel
this way
advertisements tell us that we need to
buy things to be loved accepted or to
succeed our educational system teaches
us that our worthiness as students is
based on our grades or test scores our
parents may have implied that they’d
love us more if we made the honor roll
or the varsity team those of us who have
experienced abuse sexual assault and
trauma may question our personhood and
very right to exist and as social media
pervades our lives we have begun to feel
that our worthiness is based on the
number of followers we have and likes we
get whatever the cause for many of us
our self-worth is tied to our
accomplishments and possessions and as
soon as we fail or lose approval we
experience low self-worth unconditional
self-worth is the antidote to low
unconditional self-worth is a way out of
self-criticism shame and unhealthy
behavior it is a way out of depression
anxiety and substance abuse it is time
for us to base our worth on the fact
that we are human to cultivate a worth
that persists even when life does not go
unconditional self-worth some people may
fear that if they get too satisfied with
themselves they won’t be motivated to
grow and change others may feel that
accepting themselves as worthy would be
arrogant and some may simply believe
often wonder what the world would look
like if we all cultivated unconditional
self-worth what would you find the
courage to do if you knew you were
worthy what would you dare to dream if
what would you stop doing if you knew
you were already worthy I believe people
would resolve conflicts without violence
that more people would dare to do
amazing things I believe that if our
self-worth wasn’t on the line the world
would look a lot better and more
peaceful for all of us now that’s a
so how do we make this vision real holds
evading unconditional self-worth is an
ongoing practice here are four ways you
can begin to feel more worthy starting
right here right now
first forgive yourself many of us
struggle to feel worthy because we are
angry with ourselves about past mistakes
forgiveness involves acknowledging and
accepting what has happened
acceptance releases us from blaming
ourselves and others and allows us to
move forward to forgive yourself reflect
on the circumstances that led to past
mistakes acknowledge the pain you
experienced and identify what you
learned from the situation
then say to yourself I forgive you in an honest and kind way second practice
honest and kind way second practice self-acceptance I think many of us
self-acceptance I think many of us struggle with low self-worth because we
struggle with low self-worth because we think there’s something wrong with us
think there’s something wrong with us and we refuse to accept ourselves the
and we refuse to accept ourselves the way we are we receive so many messages
way we are we receive so many messages that we are not ok the way we are we’re
that we are not ok the way we are we’re told that we need to change our bodies
told that we need to change our bodies our clothes our jobs
our clothes our jobs even our personalities to be acceptable
even our personalities to be acceptable see if you can let go of the thoughts
see if you can let go of the thoughts you have about how you think you should
you have about how you think you should feel look and be different instead focus
feel look and be different instead focus on the things you like about yourself
on the things you like about yourself and over time begin to embrace your
and over time begin to embrace your quirks your awkward laugh you’re crooked
quirks your awkward laugh you’re crooked smile your unusual way of thinking about
smile your unusual way of thinking about things through this acceptance you were
things through this acceptance you were acknowledging that you are worthy just
acknowledging that you are worthy just the way you are step 3
the way you are step 3 be there for yourself when life gets
be there for yourself when life gets rough I think many of us abandon
rough I think many of us abandon ourselves during times of challenge we
ourselves during times of challenge we engage in her self-criticism which only
engage in her self-criticism which only leaves us feeling worse and what we need
leaves us feeling worse and what we need most when we are going through a
most when we are going through a difficult time is for someone to say I
difficult time is for someone to say I see you I see how badly you’re hurting
see you I see how badly you’re hurting I’m here and we can do this for
I’m here and we can do this for ourselves the next time you experience
ourselves the next time you experience emotional pain acknowledge how you were
emotional pain acknowledge how you were feeling and offer yourself some comfort
feeling and offer yourself some comfort place your hand on your chest or give
place your hand on your chest or give yourself a hug and say something kind
yourself a hug and say something kind and soothing to yourself
finally connect to supportive people low self-worth can leave us feeling isolated
self-worth can leave us feeling isolated and alone and when we think there’s
and alone and when we think there’s something wrong with us we tend to pull
something wrong with us we tend to pull away from our relationships and this
away from our relationships and this isolation only exacerbates our feelings
isolation only exacerbates our feelings of unworthiness knowing that we are not
of unworthiness knowing that we are not alone in our struggles in pain reminds
alone in our struggles in pain reminds us that challenges do not make us
us that challenges do not make us unworthy connecting to supportive people
unworthy connecting to supportive people helps us to get in touch with our
helps us to get in touch with our humanity and our sense of worth this
humanity and our sense of worth this journey to unconditional self-worth is
journey to unconditional self-worth is not always easy the path is not straight
not always easy the path is not straight or smooth and you’ll face setbacks along
or smooth and you’ll face setbacks along the way
the way I certainly have it takes courage to
I certainly have it takes courage to free yourself from the conditions you’ve
free yourself from the conditions you’ve placed on your worth the process of
placed on your worth the process of forgiveness can be messy it can be scary
forgiveness can be messy it can be scary to accept ourselves as we are being
to accept ourselves as we are being there for ourselves can put us face to
there for ourselves can put us face to face with emotional pain and connecting
face with emotional pain and connecting to others can make us feel vulnerable
to others can make us feel vulnerable and I’m here to tell you that this
and I’m here to tell you that this journey is beautiful and worth taking on
journey is beautiful and worth taking on this journey you will find strength be
this journey you will find strength be grounded in your humanity and know that
grounded in your humanity and know that you are worthy so I challenge you to
you are worthy so I challenge you to embrace yourselves and begin living from
embrace yourselves and begin living from a place of worthiness to find your
a place of worthiness to find your metaphorical dancefloor and move freely
metaphorical dancefloor and move freely yes I said dancefloor and I returned to
yes I said dancefloor and I returned to the dance floor because that’s where my
the dance floor because that’s where my own struggles with unworthiness began
own struggles with unworthiness began but I’ve learned a few new moves since
but I’ve learned a few new moves since junior high last summer I went to the
junior high last summer I went to the Hyde Park Jazz Festival by myself and as
Hyde Park Jazz Festival by myself and as I sat watching people dancing to the
I sat watching people dancing to the live music I longed to get up and join
live music I longed to get up and join them but all of my old insecurities
them but all of my old insecurities about my dance moves and not being
about my dance moves and not being chosen showed
chosen showed luckily an elderly man invited me to
luckily an elderly man invited me to dance and after a song or two I began
dance and after a song or two I began dancing on my own and as the notes of
dancing on my own and as the notes of Latin jazz filled the air and I moved my
Latin jazz filled the air and I moved my body to the rhythm I felt free
body to the rhythm I felt free I felt exuberant I felt full of life
I felt exuberant I felt full of life I felt worthy thank you
I felt worthy thank you [Applause]
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