crazy and black and poor existing in the
opposition of periphery of wealthy and
white well-being I scream in the silence
of my stigmas my existence is taboo
conversation crazy and black and poor
feels like being pregnant with fire you
can’t deliver flammable at the onset of
conception treading lightly so as to not
detonate trying not to give birth to
atom bombs crazy and black and pour
gasoline babies and tinder wounds cannot
be aborted will not miss carry I am
forever pregnant with blowtorch did you
know that healthy people breathe from
their bellies crazy and black and poor
it’s hopelessness that chokes like
ventless smoke-filled rooms forgotten
households just stating Dante’s Inferno
suffocating in subhuman conditions legs
crossed to keep the poverty and
psychosis from spilling between thighs
gasoline overflowing from fuel pumps
with struck matches nearby incandescent
black fire lava rivers trickling down
sizzling volcanoes
what does schizophrenia look like when
it’s contagious when the whole street is
mad when the whole neighborhood wants to
scratch his burning skin off and died
and be resurrected as cancer because at
least cancer thrives cancer crazy-crazy
is waiting for God to perform a miracle
in a zip code he forgot he created black
skin meandering between Creek between
concealed-weapons consumed Street
medication for controversial sickness
it’s epidemic hiddenness elementary math
black-colored poor equals crazy crazy
black and poor but not that real kind of
crazy this is just some exhausted black
crazy pregnant with Langston Hughes
deferred dream crazy lay hands on us
crazy
pray for our strength and the Lord crazy
balance our serotonin crazy tell God
we’re still here crazy our bellies are
on fire our souls are filled with
gasoline and we’re trying not to explode
I wrote this poem back in 2015 to
remember the desperation of growing up
black and poor but I no longer accept
that I will burn out or that my fate is
death I want to be fire but I don’t want
to be incinerated by my own flames so
I’m just crazy enough to believe that we
can stop whole communities of black and
brown people from going up in a blaze of
trauma and mental illness I have made a
decision right here right now to engage
the fire inside and so if faith without
works is dead then I’m asking you in the
next several minutes to believe with me
to walk with me through the steps that
I’m taking now to move from sickness to
wellness so the first step is respecting
fire when we disrespect and we don’t
understand fire it can be a death
sentence fire can and will kill you but
trauma is a fire and it can kill us too
and that fire looks like death desertion
divorce drugs depression dysfunctional
households especially if you’ve
experienced any of these things by or
before the age of 18 and the fires that
we shrug off that we brush off that we
whatever those serious conditions if we
don’t respect them they come back to
haunt us and the hauntings look like our
causes of
cancer diabetes kidney liver and lung
and if it doesn’t kill us these
hauntings make us socially emotionally
and physically sick abuse autoimmune
diseases gastrointestinal and gut
diseases promiscuity obesity even
smoking our emotional traumas can
eventually kill us physically and for
those of us who experience multiple
traumas we are at risk of dying 20 years
before the average person I’m no longer
accept that I’ll burn out or that my
fate is death so the second step is
extinguishing bad fire stigma is a bad
fire and it needs to be extinguished
crazy and black and poor poor does not
necessarily mean classless and ignorant
black does not automatically mean thugs
criminals and welfare moms when I grew
up in a lot of black communities
including the King Lincoln District I
remember walking to the bus stop and
passing drug addicts on their way to get
high and I remembered going to school
and studying chemistry I remember having
to ration scarce portions of food and I
remember my brother studying culinary
arts to become a sous-chef I remember
being in my house and having to duck on
the floor when we heard bullets out on
the street and I remember being on that
same floor stretching after track
practice and volleyball practice I
remember attending funerals of
classmates and I remember my mom
attending evening classes to study
cousin cognitive psychology in a ph.d
program so for those of you out there
who have your own inner city and urban
stories you know anxiety you know
suicide ideation rage single moms zombie
parenting through numbness and
desperation for some on the surface that
doesn’t look like crazy at black and
poor but stopping there diminishes the
whole story and being linked from black
trauma to black excellence crazy and
black and poor is a stigma it’s a bad
fire and we have to put it out in
totality by defining things correctly
and speaking truth we will no longer let
people label us as crazy because we were
disenfranchised under resourced because
we had a problem de-escalating due to
pervasive stress and trauma we are not
crazy we can’t breathe and any living
thing will appear to be crazy when it’s
fighting for its next breath I do not
accept that I will burn out or that my
fate is death so this third step is
feeding good fire some fires are
destructive but other fires are
productive the flame of mental health as
opposed to the dynamite of mental
illness is warming and illuminating when
I made the decision that I would no
longer accept death when I made the
decision that I would not burn out when
I accepted that I was saying but Spence
that my black was beautiful that my
poverty was provisional then that meant
that I accepted that I needed to change
my life in my mind being born of the
African diaspora being born into a
dysfunctional household generational
poverty meant that there were some
statistics based on trauma that I
couldn’t escape but there was one
particular statistic that I knew that my
family had to break right away
blacks and Hispanics are less likely
than whites to get counseling so
arguably those who are experiencing the
most trauma are the least likely to get
help that could not be my family’s story
my mom goes to therapy I go to therapy
my kids go to therapy we are a family
that practices being well and I’ve
dedicated my whole life to being
holistically well to transforming trauma
scars and to resilience stories I’m
always going to be black by the grace of
God hopefully I’ll never again be poor
but I have the power to ensure that
crazy is a lie that I never again tell
myself we can no longer accept that our
communities will burn out or that
anyone’s faith is dead
we can no longer allow anyone to drown
in the darkness in that sea of mental
illness we need to repurpose fire for
life and not death we shall live and not
die Oh historically Mariners and stormy
seas will fight those troubled waters
and they were they were guided to safety
by fire that was built on top of
hilltops we now refer to those fires
purpose fire I create systems of care
out of fire relationships between
networks of people navigating
disenfranchised people to safety we use
art and writing for advocacy we
facilitate dialogues of dynamic tension
we trail blaze by redesigning system
we take programs and pipelines and
create things through subject matter
experts and we’re in the process of
building safe houses will you join my
network of lighthouses and if you’re
willing to do so
will you be willing to practice the
first things we ever learned about fire
safety there are three words from
elementary school stop drop and roll
absolutely so first we’re gonna stop
stop burning down lighthouses with
stigmas we’re going to interrupt
ignorant with education stop casually
using words like crazy bipolar
stop casually using words like triggered
check your biases change your language
so we stop that then we’re gonna drop
we’re gonna drop our egos we’re gonna
invest in practicing being well I have a
friend a close friend of mine and she
says that normal people are just people
that we don’t know so let’s stop
journal’ meditate go to counseling if
you prescribe prescription medications
take them and take them appropriately
put good food in your body move and
exercise it’s sleep practice being well
so we stop we drop them we’re gonna roll
let’s roll with people who are invested
in holistic health & wellness just like
us be philanthropic with your money to
benefit people who are disenfranchised
and are black and brown regarding mental
health volunteer your time and your
talents to disenfranchised communities
and then pursue careers in behavioral
health care we are not busy we are a
growing network of light
houses we are kings and queens linked in
to an intergenerational bronze vitality
prayed up serotonin balanced God is with
us our souls are on fire our bellies are
full of light and we are fireworks of promise and of life
opposition of periphery of wealthy and
white well-being I scream in the silence
of my stigmas my existence is taboo
conversation crazy and black and poor
feels like being pregnant with fire you
can’t deliver flammable at the onset of
conception treading lightly so as to not
detonate trying not to give birth to
atom bombs crazy and black and pour
gasoline babies and tinder wounds cannot
be aborted will not miss carry I am
forever pregnant with blowtorch did you
know that healthy people breathe from
their bellies crazy and black and poor
it’s hopelessness that chokes like
ventless smoke-filled rooms forgotten
households just stating Dante’s Inferno
suffocating in subhuman conditions legs
crossed to keep the poverty and
psychosis from spilling between thighs
gasoline overflowing from fuel pumps
with struck matches nearby incandescent
black fire lava rivers trickling down
sizzling volcanoes
what does schizophrenia look like when
it’s contagious when the whole street is
mad when the whole neighborhood wants to
scratch his burning skin off and died
and be resurrected as cancer because at
least cancer thrives cancer crazy-crazy
is waiting for God to perform a miracle
in a zip code he forgot he created black
skin meandering between Creek between
concealed-weapons consumed Street
medication for controversial sickness
it’s epidemic hiddenness elementary math
black-colored poor equals crazy crazy
black and poor but not that real kind of
crazy this is just some exhausted black
crazy pregnant with Langston Hughes
deferred dream crazy lay hands on us
crazy
pray for our strength and the Lord crazy
balance our serotonin crazy tell God
we’re still here crazy our bellies are
on fire our souls are filled with
gasoline and we’re trying not to explode
I wrote this poem back in 2015 to
remember the desperation of growing up
black and poor but I no longer accept
that I will burn out or that my fate is
death I want to be fire but I don’t want
to be incinerated by my own flames so
I’m just crazy enough to believe that we
can stop whole communities of black and
brown people from going up in a blaze of
trauma and mental illness I have made a
decision right here right now to engage
the fire inside and so if faith without
works is dead then I’m asking you in the
next several minutes to believe with me
to walk with me through the steps that
I’m taking now to move from sickness to
wellness so the first step is respecting
fire when we disrespect and we don’t
understand fire it can be a death
sentence fire can and will kill you but
trauma is a fire and it can kill us too
and that fire looks like death desertion
divorce drugs depression dysfunctional
households especially if you’ve
experienced any of these things by or
before the age of 18 and the fires that
we shrug off that we brush off that we
whatever those serious conditions if we
don’t respect them they come back to
haunt us and the hauntings look like our
causes of
cancer diabetes kidney liver and lung
and if it doesn’t kill us these
hauntings make us socially emotionally
and physically sick abuse autoimmune
diseases gastrointestinal and gut
diseases promiscuity obesity even
smoking our emotional traumas can
eventually kill us physically and for
those of us who experience multiple
traumas we are at risk of dying 20 years
before the average person I’m no longer
accept that I’ll burn out or that my
fate is death so the second step is
extinguishing bad fire stigma is a bad
fire and it needs to be extinguished
crazy and black and poor poor does not
necessarily mean classless and ignorant
black does not automatically mean thugs
criminals and welfare moms when I grew
up in a lot of black communities
including the King Lincoln District I
remember walking to the bus stop and
passing drug addicts on their way to get
high and I remembered going to school
and studying chemistry I remember having
to ration scarce portions of food and I
remember my brother studying culinary
arts to become a sous-chef I remember
being in my house and having to duck on
the floor when we heard bullets out on
the street and I remember being on that
same floor stretching after track
practice and volleyball practice I
remember attending funerals of
classmates and I remember my mom
attending evening classes to study
cousin cognitive psychology in a ph.d
program so for those of you out there
who have your own inner city and urban
stories you know anxiety you know
suicide ideation rage single moms zombie
parenting through numbness and
desperation for some on the surface that
doesn’t look like crazy at black and
poor but stopping there diminishes the
whole story and being linked from black
trauma to black excellence crazy and
black and poor is a stigma it’s a bad
fire and we have to put it out in
totality by defining things correctly
and speaking truth we will no longer let
people label us as crazy because we were
disenfranchised under resourced because
we had a problem de-escalating due to
pervasive stress and trauma we are not
crazy we can’t breathe and any living
thing will appear to be crazy when it’s
fighting for its next breath I do not
accept that I will burn out or that my
fate is death so this third step is
feeding good fire some fires are
destructive but other fires are
productive the flame of mental health as
opposed to the dynamite of mental
illness is warming and illuminating when
I made the decision that I would no
longer accept death when I made the
decision that I would not burn out when
I accepted that I was saying but Spence
that my black was beautiful that my
poverty was provisional then that meant
that I accepted that I needed to change
my life in my mind being born of the
African diaspora being born into a
dysfunctional household generational
poverty meant that there were some
statistics based on trauma that I
couldn’t escape but there was one
particular statistic that I knew that my
family had to break right away
blacks and Hispanics are less likely
than whites to get counseling so
arguably those who are experiencing the
most trauma are the least likely to get
help that could not be my family’s story
my mom goes to therapy I go to therapy
my kids go to therapy we are a family
that practices being well and I’ve
dedicated my whole life to being
holistically well to transforming trauma
scars and to resilience stories I’m
always going to be black by the grace of
God hopefully I’ll never again be poor
but I have the power to ensure that
crazy is a lie that I never again tell
myself we can no longer accept that our
communities will burn out or that
anyone’s faith is dead
we can no longer allow anyone to drown
in the darkness in that sea of mental
illness we need to repurpose fire for
life and not death we shall live and not
die Oh historically Mariners and stormy
seas will fight those troubled waters
and they were they were guided to safety
by fire that was built on top of
hilltops we now refer to those fires
purpose fire I create systems of care
out of fire relationships between
networks of people navigating
disenfranchised people to safety we use
art and writing for advocacy we
facilitate dialogues of dynamic tension
we trail blaze by redesigning system
we take programs and pipelines and
create things through subject matter
experts and we’re in the process of
building safe houses will you join my
network of lighthouses and if you’re
willing to do so
will you be willing to practice the
first things we ever learned about fire
safety there are three words from
elementary school stop drop and roll
absolutely so first we’re gonna stop
stop burning down lighthouses with
stigmas we’re going to interrupt
ignorant with education stop casually
using words like crazy bipolar
stop casually using words like triggered
check your biases change your language
so we stop that then we’re gonna drop
we’re gonna drop our egos we’re gonna
invest in practicing being well I have a
friend a close friend of mine and she
says that normal people are just people
that we don’t know so let’s stop
journal’ meditate go to counseling if
you prescribe prescription medications
take them and take them appropriately
put good food in your body move and
exercise it’s sleep practice being well
so we stop we drop them we’re gonna roll
let’s roll with people who are invested
in holistic health & wellness just like
us be philanthropic with your money to
benefit people who are disenfranchised
and are black and brown regarding mental
health volunteer your time and your
talents to disenfranchised communities
and then pursue careers in behavioral
health care we are not busy we are a
growing network of light
houses we are kings and queens linked in
to an intergenerational bronze vitality
prayed up serotonin balanced God is with
us our souls are on fire our bellies are
full of light and we are fireworks of promise and of life
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