I went to war four times overseas twice
to Iraq
once the Afghanistan in once to bosley
powerfully my most difficult war the war
that came the closest to kill me
it’s my death though the war at home and
had I not been able to bridge the gap
between war and wellness just be another
statistic one of the 22 veterans that
kill themselves every day and this
journey that brought me to the edge of
self-destruction he carried me over
safely to the other side began in some
ways continues today with freedom garden
in 2006 the organization that I lived
was in northern Iraq near the chemicals
and we’re conducting combat operations
against the insurgency and crazy assist
may sound we got tasking from our higher
headquarters to conduct in professional
development class on a ballot took place
near where we located it was a battle
between Alexander the Great and here’s
the third version half in 331 BC so the
problem that I had first I had to find
out you know who my organization had the
knowledge about this battle into who had
the ability to give the class and three
who had the courage to do it in front of
a bunch of grumpy general officers so I
see you know I surveyed my formation to
figure out who could do this about five
hundred people one name coming King
three many guard and Freeman was very
junior to give a presentation like this
this such an esteemed audience and so I
had to meet him and talk to him and when
I did I knew he was the right guy from
the very beginning Freeman was a 27 year
old newlywed from Little Rock Arkansas
he got married right when we right
before we deployed and freely had this
he’s inviting eyes you know who kind of
invites you in and then he had this grin
on his face all the time and his friends
used to say you know you get
bringing that and you keep that grin on
his face and Freeman was like a little
militant you know he’s felt you get him
as president she just felt lighter so I
knew Freeman was the God and so on the
day of the class three minutes on this
plateau the Overlook at his great
battlefield and there’s all these
general offices I mean thinking about
CEOs and presidents of large companies
we’re looking for emailing and all
around me hanging on every word right in
so Freeman gets done for the classic NES
hey does anybody have any questions and
the senior most general 4-star general
asked me hey uh where did you learn
about this battle so proven pulls a book
out of the Natomas cargo pocket was
uniform and ham-handed hands it to the
gentleman he said split arks life of
Alexander the Great did you like to read
and the generals you know these kids
that this book is looking at in general
goes do they have any doesn’t have any
pictures bring the coast no sir but the
words aren’t too big it’ll be alright be
a scope so the general public’s
perplexed and then he says okay sir I’ll
have it in the hands the breathing a
coin which is a really big thing again
and you congratulate seamen it was just
an awesome day I was never so proud of
one of my soldiers because it took
lanterns and so that was November of
2006 I didn’t see Freeman again until
March 27 2007 we moved from northern
Iraq down to the Baghdad as a part of
general Petraeus’s serves to in
sectarian violence in the capital city
and we’re conducting an operation to
clear improvised explosive devices from
an area now the company commander in
charge of that operation came up to me
and he said sir I don’t have a real good
feeling about this mission I have had
enough time
then I was worthless listen better goal
yeah and bring the garden was in that
company so role they did they came up to
the area that they’re in a clear IEDs
and gonna come there’s the truth they
didn’t have enough people to pull
security to overwatch it and print and
sit volunteered to do it now it wasn’t
Freeman job for him it was a
communication specialist his job was to
maintain communications within the
organization but they needed somebody
and Friedman volunteered to do it and so
he got out he any move to near a
building over watched his base and as he
got into position an idea exploded
killing him instantly so we we brought
Freeman’s body back to the medical
facility and the the makes prepared his
body to be brought back to Little Rock
Arkansas says to his family and they had
put a wool blanket over his torso but
he’d taken most of the impact he was put
on a gurney and other than a little
scratch on it loved his head
you know he looked like he was asleep
and so all the leaders in the
organization gathered around he was is
accustomed to say goodbye and I wasn’t
leader so I bent down to kiss Freeman’s
forehead it’s almost like I was kissing
him goodnight and as I came up my eyes
met that company commander who asked for
more time and I said I caused this I’ve
only given the commander more time I
went back to my office to write a letter
home to freeman’s mother
Despero Ratliff and in the letter I you
know I said what a great guy Freeman was
talk a little bit about that day on the
plat
how brave he was in hell well he was
like and I mailed that letter off and
got back to work
about a month later I got a letter in
the mail back to me it was from Freeman
mom
Farrah I was afraid to open that letter
you know I didn’t know what it was going
to say right but I did in a party read
dear lieutenant colonel your letter came
to me at just the right time I was
wondering what was going on what
happened to Freeman on that terrible day
in your words gave me some comfort
Freeman was my number one son he was
lived to be the best thank you for
taking your time out of your busy day to
write me god bless you and everyone in
your command I took that letter and I
put it on my desk I went over and I
closed the door to my office and I sit
down and I cried for a very long time
the shame that I felt was like a boulder
against my chest and no matter how hard
I pushed I couldn’t get it off and I
brought that Boulder with me home and
then again when I went back to
Afghanistan
now when I went to Afghanistan the what
kind of went away you know I got I was
doing things that I was you know the
baby so normal at war but when I brought
it back after the war it was there and
cushy is and suffocating and the pain
that I felt inside of me I didn’t know
them I have what I was inflicting on the
people that I loved my family
I didn’t know of the anger and the
outburst and okay when I lashed out and
that they had become numb to my
outbursts and they become game none for
me and then I became numb to life and
finally one night I was talking to my
wife and I had volunteered to go back to
Afghanistan I did that
or year it was time for me to get back
in my mind in my wife by that time had
been you know dismissive about because
she was had to protect herself for my
emotional abuse but my daughter my 15
year old daughter was outside the door
and she heard me and she storms in with
this that her side she says you know
what they just go back to work you
haven’t been sensing you the same since
you got after the last time me and mom
are better without you I wish I can
expunge your DNA from my body I hate you
the next morning I called my boss has it
I can’t go we and I can’t go to that you
know the Afghanistan like I’ve got
personal reasons so you know I thought
myself into that bit my fifth war right
what I didn’t realize is that I was
already in that fifth war against myself
my soul and one day I just decided it
was time for me in that war so on
September 12th 2013 I was at a bar
looking at the second Street bridge that
connected Justin Ville Indiana where I
was drinking to Louisville Kentucky
where I live and I had just this a
magnificent magnificent view of the
bridge to the skyline I’ve been drinking
beer and bourbon pretty much throughout
the day into the evening and I had my
final drink and I gave a toast to
Freeman into about five or six of my
other lost friends from the war I paid
my tab and I got in my vehicle with the
intention of driving it into the Ohio
River and killing myself now you may
think there’s more efficient ways of you
know committing suicide and private
vehicle into the river
but I was looking for immunity not
efficiency you see I would rather be
remembered as a reckless drunk then
another six soldier but they intervened
on that day and about quarter mile down
the road a police offer stopped me and
before DUI I spent the night in the in
the drunk tank in the next morning I got
out – and I immediately I called my wife
now my life is a better a clinical
psychologist who actually treat soldiers
for PTSD and she long told me that then
I was you know that I had problems and I
needed to get help well you know what
so she answered the phone before I could
say a word she says you either go to
therapy now or you’ll never see me or
your daughter again my wife liked the
first brick in the foundation of my
bridge to wellness that day because if
she had not said what she had there’s no
doubt in my mind my second attempted
suicide would have failed she at least
gave me a reason to live that was for my
family it was the wake-up call and I
went to therapy but I’ll tell you i am i
was always apprehensive about this idea
of therapy first of all I didn’t think I
had a problem you don’t get sick serving
your nation and even if you did it was
part of the deal when you signed up you
know warriors are volunteers not victims
but the one thing that I learned in this
in this process of therapy that therapy
initially is that warriors have a duty
to give well and we can’t always do it
ourselves now I was diagnosed with PTSD
and then you know I had all the symptoms
sleeplessness paranoia hyper vigilance
reckless behavior anxiety and most of
all anger but in my sessions with my
therapist if you came here there’s
something else was working against me
and what we determined is that the grief
I felt for the role in freeing the
Gardner’s death was a root cause for the
problems that I was experiencing
see how moral nature couldn’t shake the
shame
so my therapist recommended that I go
through a program called prolonged
exposure now prolonged exposure requires
you to retail in many ways relive the
emotional impact the cost that time it
was singly the most difficult thing that
I’ve ever done in my life but it helped
me realize that sometimes bad things
happen to good people
but bring the gartner and we have to
forgive us where does that how does that
come about it’s enough to press the
problem with moral injury how does 1 min
a wound assault and grenade brown one of
the most prolific speakers on TED talks
said said this grace means your mistakes
now serve a purpose instead of serving
shame now something I can work you know
there’s something I can get my head
around so when I retired in 2014 I
immersed myself in my community I
started volunteering with at-risk kids
and underserved neighborhoods I became
an advocate for restorative justice and
breaking the cycle of Allah violence in
our neighborhoods I even started a
program with Shakespeare with using arts
and healing to bring soldiers and
veterans in to learn Shakespeare’s plays
in order to help them heal however the
most important thing that I did the the
purpose the thing that given me that
gave me me and I like most he’s doing
what we’re doing right here and that’s
telling the story of Freeman garden and
the journey and my journey to wellness
and I want to thank you all very much
for being a part of this conversation
because I know it’s kind of
uncomfortable what I’m saying what I’m
saying is vital to to our future and
the warriors like myself heal and so no
I do this story telling about Freeman
one to keep his memory alive you know I
mean I want to remember the kid on the
plateau with a gentle looking at the
book like you know what they haven’t
even my mind in my heart and I hope you
guys take me with you
please do and remember him I also do
this because I’m going to other betters
who are struggling I want them to know
that they’re not alone in the struggle
and then if they Airborne Ranger in
retreat Colonel can seek help and find
peace so can they but the most important
thing about this story telling the story
is that I want to create a conversation
about the cost of war and the sacrifice
of the warrior see and it’s not just you
know that you only think of war we think
of it because the cost in blood and
treasure know what I’m talking about
also is the cost to the families and
particular to the kids who didn’t
volunteer to be in the army but the
hunter wasn’t in my black Sluman raised
her right hand said she’s been United
States they are the true victims of war
and that’s why it’s so vitally important
that the American people understand the
cost of war and the sacrifice the
Warriors made it’s in and how does that
come about now only 8% of America has
served in the military so what’s the
best way to learn about the cost of war
it’s to talk to a warrior you see that’s
why it’s so vitally important that we
connect America’s the American people
with the American Lawyer and American
military and then we should build this
great bridge that spans the gap of
military civilian relations and then
Americans and the warriors of it server
get together in the middle of this
bridge and walk hand-in-hand to the
other side of peace and trans
together and have this conversation this
conversation like we’re having right now
and this would have an incredible impact
on our nation and our national security
you see with what the American people
truly understand the warrior and the
sacrifice and the cost of war those
they’ll know whether is it worth it and
then when somebody says to calls put
boots on the ground in some distant war
you’ll have the understanding and the
empathy to raise your hand and say not
there’s souls in those whose Souls like
Freeman Gardner’s in the past on it
souls like mine you can be saved thank you very much
to Iraq
once the Afghanistan in once to bosley
powerfully my most difficult war the war
that came the closest to kill me
it’s my death though the war at home and
had I not been able to bridge the gap
between war and wellness just be another
statistic one of the 22 veterans that
kill themselves every day and this
journey that brought me to the edge of
self-destruction he carried me over
safely to the other side began in some
ways continues today with freedom garden
in 2006 the organization that I lived
was in northern Iraq near the chemicals
and we’re conducting combat operations
against the insurgency and crazy assist
may sound we got tasking from our higher
headquarters to conduct in professional
development class on a ballot took place
near where we located it was a battle
between Alexander the Great and here’s
the third version half in 331 BC so the
problem that I had first I had to find
out you know who my organization had the
knowledge about this battle into who had
the ability to give the class and three
who had the courage to do it in front of
a bunch of grumpy general officers so I
see you know I surveyed my formation to
figure out who could do this about five
hundred people one name coming King
three many guard and Freeman was very
junior to give a presentation like this
this such an esteemed audience and so I
had to meet him and talk to him and when
I did I knew he was the right guy from
the very beginning Freeman was a 27 year
old newlywed from Little Rock Arkansas
he got married right when we right
before we deployed and freely had this
he’s inviting eyes you know who kind of
invites you in and then he had this grin
on his face all the time and his friends
used to say you know you get
bringing that and you keep that grin on
his face and Freeman was like a little
militant you know he’s felt you get him
as president she just felt lighter so I
knew Freeman was the God and so on the
day of the class three minutes on this
plateau the Overlook at his great
battlefield and there’s all these
general offices I mean thinking about
CEOs and presidents of large companies
we’re looking for emailing and all
around me hanging on every word right in
so Freeman gets done for the classic NES
hey does anybody have any questions and
the senior most general 4-star general
asked me hey uh where did you learn
about this battle so proven pulls a book
out of the Natomas cargo pocket was
uniform and ham-handed hands it to the
gentleman he said split arks life of
Alexander the Great did you like to read
and the generals you know these kids
that this book is looking at in general
goes do they have any doesn’t have any
pictures bring the coast no sir but the
words aren’t too big it’ll be alright be
a scope so the general public’s
perplexed and then he says okay sir I’ll
have it in the hands the breathing a
coin which is a really big thing again
and you congratulate seamen it was just
an awesome day I was never so proud of
one of my soldiers because it took
lanterns and so that was November of
2006 I didn’t see Freeman again until
March 27 2007 we moved from northern
Iraq down to the Baghdad as a part of
general Petraeus’s serves to in
sectarian violence in the capital city
and we’re conducting an operation to
clear improvised explosive devices from
an area now the company commander in
charge of that operation came up to me
and he said sir I don’t have a real good
feeling about this mission I have had
enough time
then I was worthless listen better goal
yeah and bring the garden was in that
company so role they did they came up to
the area that they’re in a clear IEDs
and gonna come there’s the truth they
didn’t have enough people to pull
security to overwatch it and print and
sit volunteered to do it now it wasn’t
Freeman job for him it was a
communication specialist his job was to
maintain communications within the
organization but they needed somebody
and Friedman volunteered to do it and so
he got out he any move to near a
building over watched his base and as he
got into position an idea exploded
killing him instantly so we we brought
Freeman’s body back to the medical
facility and the the makes prepared his
body to be brought back to Little Rock
Arkansas says to his family and they had
put a wool blanket over his torso but
he’d taken most of the impact he was put
on a gurney and other than a little
scratch on it loved his head
you know he looked like he was asleep
and so all the leaders in the
organization gathered around he was is
accustomed to say goodbye and I wasn’t
leader so I bent down to kiss Freeman’s
forehead it’s almost like I was kissing
him goodnight and as I came up my eyes
met that company commander who asked for
more time and I said I caused this I’ve
only given the commander more time I
went back to my office to write a letter
home to freeman’s mother
Despero Ratliff and in the letter I you
know I said what a great guy Freeman was
talk a little bit about that day on the
plat
how brave he was in hell well he was
like and I mailed that letter off and
got back to work
about a month later I got a letter in
the mail back to me it was from Freeman
mom
Farrah I was afraid to open that letter
you know I didn’t know what it was going
to say right but I did in a party read
dear lieutenant colonel your letter came
to me at just the right time I was
wondering what was going on what
happened to Freeman on that terrible day
in your words gave me some comfort
Freeman was my number one son he was
lived to be the best thank you for
taking your time out of your busy day to
write me god bless you and everyone in
your command I took that letter and I
put it on my desk I went over and I
closed the door to my office and I sit
down and I cried for a very long time
the shame that I felt was like a boulder
against my chest and no matter how hard
I pushed I couldn’t get it off and I
brought that Boulder with me home and
then again when I went back to
Afghanistan
now when I went to Afghanistan the what
kind of went away you know I got I was
doing things that I was you know the
baby so normal at war but when I brought
it back after the war it was there and
cushy is and suffocating and the pain
that I felt inside of me I didn’t know
them I have what I was inflicting on the
people that I loved my family
I didn’t know of the anger and the
outburst and okay when I lashed out and
that they had become numb to my
outbursts and they become game none for
me and then I became numb to life and
finally one night I was talking to my
wife and I had volunteered to go back to
Afghanistan I did that
or year it was time for me to get back
in my mind in my wife by that time had
been you know dismissive about because
she was had to protect herself for my
emotional abuse but my daughter my 15
year old daughter was outside the door
and she heard me and she storms in with
this that her side she says you know
what they just go back to work you
haven’t been sensing you the same since
you got after the last time me and mom
are better without you I wish I can
expunge your DNA from my body I hate you
the next morning I called my boss has it
I can’t go we and I can’t go to that you
know the Afghanistan like I’ve got
personal reasons so you know I thought
myself into that bit my fifth war right
what I didn’t realize is that I was
already in that fifth war against myself
my soul and one day I just decided it
was time for me in that war so on
September 12th 2013 I was at a bar
looking at the second Street bridge that
connected Justin Ville Indiana where I
was drinking to Louisville Kentucky
where I live and I had just this a
magnificent magnificent view of the
bridge to the skyline I’ve been drinking
beer and bourbon pretty much throughout
the day into the evening and I had my
final drink and I gave a toast to
Freeman into about five or six of my
other lost friends from the war I paid
my tab and I got in my vehicle with the
intention of driving it into the Ohio
River and killing myself now you may
think there’s more efficient ways of you
know committing suicide and private
vehicle into the river
but I was looking for immunity not
efficiency you see I would rather be
remembered as a reckless drunk then
another six soldier but they intervened
on that day and about quarter mile down
the road a police offer stopped me and
before DUI I spent the night in the in
the drunk tank in the next morning I got
out – and I immediately I called my wife
now my life is a better a clinical
psychologist who actually treat soldiers
for PTSD and she long told me that then
I was you know that I had problems and I
needed to get help well you know what
so she answered the phone before I could
say a word she says you either go to
therapy now or you’ll never see me or
your daughter again my wife liked the
first brick in the foundation of my
bridge to wellness that day because if
she had not said what she had there’s no
doubt in my mind my second attempted
suicide would have failed she at least
gave me a reason to live that was for my
family it was the wake-up call and I
went to therapy but I’ll tell you i am i
was always apprehensive about this idea
of therapy first of all I didn’t think I
had a problem you don’t get sick serving
your nation and even if you did it was
part of the deal when you signed up you
know warriors are volunteers not victims
but the one thing that I learned in this
in this process of therapy that therapy
initially is that warriors have a duty
to give well and we can’t always do it
ourselves now I was diagnosed with PTSD
and then you know I had all the symptoms
sleeplessness paranoia hyper vigilance
reckless behavior anxiety and most of
all anger but in my sessions with my
therapist if you came here there’s
something else was working against me
and what we determined is that the grief
I felt for the role in freeing the
Gardner’s death was a root cause for the
problems that I was experiencing
see how moral nature couldn’t shake the
shame
so my therapist recommended that I go
through a program called prolonged
exposure now prolonged exposure requires
you to retail in many ways relive the
emotional impact the cost that time it
was singly the most difficult thing that
I’ve ever done in my life but it helped
me realize that sometimes bad things
happen to good people
but bring the gartner and we have to
forgive us where does that how does that
come about it’s enough to press the
problem with moral injury how does 1 min
a wound assault and grenade brown one of
the most prolific speakers on TED talks
said said this grace means your mistakes
now serve a purpose instead of serving
shame now something I can work you know
there’s something I can get my head
around so when I retired in 2014 I
immersed myself in my community I
started volunteering with at-risk kids
and underserved neighborhoods I became
an advocate for restorative justice and
breaking the cycle of Allah violence in
our neighborhoods I even started a
program with Shakespeare with using arts
and healing to bring soldiers and
veterans in to learn Shakespeare’s plays
in order to help them heal however the
most important thing that I did the the
purpose the thing that given me that
gave me me and I like most he’s doing
what we’re doing right here and that’s
telling the story of Freeman garden and
the journey and my journey to wellness
and I want to thank you all very much
for being a part of this conversation
because I know it’s kind of
uncomfortable what I’m saying what I’m
saying is vital to to our future and
the warriors like myself heal and so no
I do this story telling about Freeman
one to keep his memory alive you know I
mean I want to remember the kid on the
plateau with a gentle looking at the
book like you know what they haven’t
even my mind in my heart and I hope you
guys take me with you
please do and remember him I also do
this because I’m going to other betters
who are struggling I want them to know
that they’re not alone in the struggle
and then if they Airborne Ranger in
retreat Colonel can seek help and find
peace so can they but the most important
thing about this story telling the story
is that I want to create a conversation
about the cost of war and the sacrifice
of the warrior see and it’s not just you
know that you only think of war we think
of it because the cost in blood and
treasure know what I’m talking about
also is the cost to the families and
particular to the kids who didn’t
volunteer to be in the army but the
hunter wasn’t in my black Sluman raised
her right hand said she’s been United
States they are the true victims of war
and that’s why it’s so vitally important
that the American people understand the
cost of war and the sacrifice the
Warriors made it’s in and how does that
come about now only 8% of America has
served in the military so what’s the
best way to learn about the cost of war
it’s to talk to a warrior you see that’s
why it’s so vitally important that we
connect America’s the American people
with the American Lawyer and American
military and then we should build this
great bridge that spans the gap of
military civilian relations and then
Americans and the warriors of it server
get together in the middle of this
bridge and walk hand-in-hand to the
other side of peace and trans
together and have this conversation this
conversation like we’re having right now
and this would have an incredible impact
on our nation and our national security
you see with what the American people
truly understand the warrior and the
sacrifice and the cost of war those
they’ll know whether is it worth it and
then when somebody says to calls put
boots on the ground in some distant war
you’ll have the understanding and the
empathy to raise your hand and say not
there’s souls in those whose Souls like
Freeman Gardner’s in the past on it
souls like mine you can be saved thank you very much
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