I used to work at a civil rights
organization
I traveled all over the country doing
workshops on prejudice discrimination
and harassment I worked in all sorts of
organizations with all sorts of people I
worked in prisons and in schools with
police officers gang members nurses
federal employees the job was intense
emotionally and physically but I loved
it for the first time in my life I was
working with a team of people who are
like-minded who were passionately
dedicated to civil rights social justice
and eradicating racism then one day I
had a meeting with a woman I supervised
it was a check-in on a project she was
working on we were troubleshooting and
talking about upcoming deadlines just as
we were wrapping up the conversation she
stopped me she said Lilia I feel like
you’re an angry waitress that doesn’t
I walked out of that meeting thinking
what the hell did I really really just
hear that holy moly
a white woman just complained to me a
woman of color her supervisor did I act
like I don’t want to serve her that was
so so wrong on so many levels I was
stunned and I was hurt so I sat on it
for a few days and then decided I needed
to talk to my boss about it I just
couldn’t carry it on my own anymore now
my boss at that time was the founder of
our organization he was a nationally
respected expert he would swoop into
communities and help them see the
racially hostile climate they created
and then he would offer heartfelt and
really really effective lessons on how
to be more tolerant and respectful so
when I told him about the angry waitress
common I really expected that he would
get how racially loaded that was for me
he was so good at seeing the subtleties
of racism in so many other places I
thought for sure I just have to repeat
that sentence and he would understand
but understanding is not what I got
instead I got lelia I’m sure that had
nothing to do with race Sarah’s not a
racist that experience taught me some
really important lessons about the way
racism works and why it continues the
angry waitress comment was a perfect
example of the way that racism shows up
in our everyday lives it’s all those
unintentional and intentional words and
messages that tell the story of racism
that white is right and brown is down
the other really big lesson that I
learned from that experience was that
our skepticism really helps perpetuate
racism
I mean our inability or unwillingness to
see it and accept it when it’s right
here in front of us every time we’re
skeptical about racism we’re making room
for it and allowing it to continue and
now our skepticism shows up in a few
ways some people are skeptical because
they believe that only mean nasty people
do racist things you know angry bullies
who boldly express their hostility
condoned violence against brown people
like those old-timers like Bull Connor
and George Wallace and David Duke now I
know these days it feels like we are
surrounded by racist bullies but believe
me they are not doing all the work every
day good kind generous people do racist
things people like my colleague Sarah
and people like us we’re skeptical
because we’re looking for that big bad
bully if we don’t have the bully then we
can’t believe we’re seeing racism that’s
what happened with my boss he knew Sarah
to be gentle and kind so he couldn’t
believe couldn’t hear that anything she
said could be racist we need to focus on
racist words actions and beliefs and set
aside that is he or isn’t she a racist
litmus test another way that our
skepticism shows up is in our our
tendency to really grab on to
alternative explanations we’re so
reluctant to believe that racism is
right here in front of us but if we can
come up with any other reason any other
story we grab on to that instead we’re
skeptical because most of us just hate
the idea that that nastiness and
injustice is here that it’s still going
on in part of us we want to think of it
as up there or back there but not right
here with us that’s why so many good
anti-racist people can tell you national
statistics
about poverty for people of color or
they can tell you the whole history of
the civil rights movement in the United
States but they can’t see how racism
keeps brown people out of their
neighborhoods or how it makes their very
now I want to be clear I don’t think
that white people are the only people
who are skeptical about racism I think
brown people are skeptical too but I
think it works for us in a slightly
different way you see when you’re a
person of color and you encounter racism
it hurts to the core the message is that
people like you are not equal you’re not
valued you’re not even human
and so when you’re a person of color and
you encounter racism
it is deeply humiliating it’s so painful
that you don’t want to go there so you
tick through those alternative
explanations you say well maybe
something else happened before I came in
maybe that really wasn’t about me when a
person of color finally speaks up about
racism they’ve already eliminated all
the alternative explanations and they’re
saying it because it’s here now and it’s
true and in our climate you take that
deep breath you stiff still yourself and
pull up your strength and you say that
you think you’ve experienced racism and
what do you get scepticism you hear the
message I don’t believe you I don’t
trust you you’re too sensitive we’re
emotionally unstable to really know I
know better the thing that I think is
the worst part about our skepticism is
it’s a distraction it’s a reason to do
nothing when someone comes and tells you
that something is racist they’re telling
you that someone is not being valued
someone’s not getting a fair shot so why
would you risk
and by being the racism judge and trying
to determine is it really or isn’t is it
really not racism could there really be
any harm and if you just set aside your
skepticism for a minute and just said
let’s see what we can do to make this
every time I get to that point my brain
stops because I really can’t think of
any harm that could be done if we really
believed that racism is here everyday
and subtle in an obvious ways all over
our lives now I’m sure there are some
people who would say oh we can’t believe
every charge of racism people of color
are going to totally take advantage of
that but that in and of itself is a
racist comment I think we could set
aside our skepticism and if we really
devoted our energy to addressing racism
we could make some progress and you
could help with that you you could be
that confirmation person that person who
bravely and gently pushes back on
skepticism to say wait a minute let’s
just accept it and see if we can make
things better lately I’ve been binge
watching this anime show with my son
Gareth it’s about teenage ninjas who are
training to fight evil I loved watching
it it’s a chance for me to hang out with
my very very cool son and I also loved
it because the lead character Naruto
whenever he’s about to take on some
challenge he yells believe it that’s
what I think we need to do when we come
face-to-face with racism believe it thank you
organization
I traveled all over the country doing
workshops on prejudice discrimination
and harassment I worked in all sorts of
organizations with all sorts of people I
worked in prisons and in schools with
police officers gang members nurses
federal employees the job was intense
emotionally and physically but I loved
it for the first time in my life I was
working with a team of people who are
like-minded who were passionately
dedicated to civil rights social justice
and eradicating racism then one day I
had a meeting with a woman I supervised
it was a check-in on a project she was
working on we were troubleshooting and
talking about upcoming deadlines just as
we were wrapping up the conversation she
stopped me she said Lilia I feel like
you’re an angry waitress that doesn’t
I walked out of that meeting thinking
what the hell did I really really just
hear that holy moly
a white woman just complained to me a
woman of color her supervisor did I act
like I don’t want to serve her that was
so so wrong on so many levels I was
stunned and I was hurt so I sat on it
for a few days and then decided I needed
to talk to my boss about it I just
couldn’t carry it on my own anymore now
my boss at that time was the founder of
our organization he was a nationally
respected expert he would swoop into
communities and help them see the
racially hostile climate they created
and then he would offer heartfelt and
really really effective lessons on how
to be more tolerant and respectful so
when I told him about the angry waitress
common I really expected that he would
get how racially loaded that was for me
he was so good at seeing the subtleties
of racism in so many other places I
thought for sure I just have to repeat
that sentence and he would understand
but understanding is not what I got
instead I got lelia I’m sure that had
nothing to do with race Sarah’s not a
racist that experience taught me some
really important lessons about the way
racism works and why it continues the
angry waitress comment was a perfect
example of the way that racism shows up
in our everyday lives it’s all those
unintentional and intentional words and
messages that tell the story of racism
that white is right and brown is down
the other really big lesson that I
learned from that experience was that
our skepticism really helps perpetuate
racism
I mean our inability or unwillingness to
see it and accept it when it’s right
here in front of us every time we’re
skeptical about racism we’re making room
for it and allowing it to continue and
now our skepticism shows up in a few
ways some people are skeptical because
they believe that only mean nasty people
do racist things you know angry bullies
who boldly express their hostility
condoned violence against brown people
like those old-timers like Bull Connor
and George Wallace and David Duke now I
know these days it feels like we are
surrounded by racist bullies but believe
me they are not doing all the work every
day good kind generous people do racist
things people like my colleague Sarah
and people like us we’re skeptical
because we’re looking for that big bad
bully if we don’t have the bully then we
can’t believe we’re seeing racism that’s
what happened with my boss he knew Sarah
to be gentle and kind so he couldn’t
believe couldn’t hear that anything she
said could be racist we need to focus on
racist words actions and beliefs and set
aside that is he or isn’t she a racist
litmus test another way that our
skepticism shows up is in our our
tendency to really grab on to
alternative explanations we’re so
reluctant to believe that racism is
right here in front of us but if we can
come up with any other reason any other
story we grab on to that instead we’re
skeptical because most of us just hate
the idea that that nastiness and
injustice is here that it’s still going
on in part of us we want to think of it
as up there or back there but not right
here with us that’s why so many good
anti-racist people can tell you national
statistics
about poverty for people of color or
they can tell you the whole history of
the civil rights movement in the United
States but they can’t see how racism
keeps brown people out of their
neighborhoods or how it makes their very
now I want to be clear I don’t think
that white people are the only people
who are skeptical about racism I think
brown people are skeptical too but I
think it works for us in a slightly
different way you see when you’re a
person of color and you encounter racism
it hurts to the core the message is that
people like you are not equal you’re not
valued you’re not even human
and so when you’re a person of color and
you encounter racism
it is deeply humiliating it’s so painful
that you don’t want to go there so you
tick through those alternative
explanations you say well maybe
something else happened before I came in
maybe that really wasn’t about me when a
person of color finally speaks up about
racism they’ve already eliminated all
the alternative explanations and they’re
saying it because it’s here now and it’s
true and in our climate you take that
deep breath you stiff still yourself and
pull up your strength and you say that
you think you’ve experienced racism and
what do you get scepticism you hear the
message I don’t believe you I don’t
trust you you’re too sensitive we’re
emotionally unstable to really know I
know better the thing that I think is
the worst part about our skepticism is
it’s a distraction it’s a reason to do
nothing when someone comes and tells you
that something is racist they’re telling
you that someone is not being valued
someone’s not getting a fair shot so why
would you risk
and by being the racism judge and trying
to determine is it really or isn’t is it
really not racism could there really be
any harm and if you just set aside your
skepticism for a minute and just said
let’s see what we can do to make this
every time I get to that point my brain
stops because I really can’t think of
any harm that could be done if we really
believed that racism is here everyday
and subtle in an obvious ways all over
our lives now I’m sure there are some
people who would say oh we can’t believe
every charge of racism people of color
are going to totally take advantage of
that but that in and of itself is a
racist comment I think we could set
aside our skepticism and if we really
devoted our energy to addressing racism
we could make some progress and you
could help with that you you could be
that confirmation person that person who
bravely and gently pushes back on
skepticism to say wait a minute let’s
just accept it and see if we can make
things better lately I’ve been binge
watching this anime show with my son
Gareth it’s about teenage ninjas who are
training to fight evil I loved watching
it it’s a chance for me to hang out with
my very very cool son and I also loved
it because the lead character Naruto
whenever he’s about to take on some
challenge he yells believe it that’s
what I think we need to do when we come
face-to-face with racism believe it thank you
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