start photographing right away I stand
there in the quiet amongst the broken
glass and rusted machinery and I let the
building’s just speak to me and that’s
when I start noticing the brightly
colored walls the brickwork and the
masonry hiding under layers of kudzu
rust and molds hey everybody so uh so
rule expiration or R or X is the
expiration of abandoned spaces for the
interest of arts historical interest and
adventure and of course the rural part
means I’m roaming the countryside
looking for sketchy places and the
opposite side of that is herb X which is
in the city so you see a lot of steel
mills and things like that but my my
focus is the South Granada countryside
so being a rule Explorer means that I
spend a lot of time in dark places and
as someone living with depression I
spend a lot of time in dark places
literally and figuratively so I’ll spare
you the Wikipedia read through of what
depression is and how it affects your
mental and physical well-being and I’ll
just say it straight out depression is
absolute it’s crazy right so
I’m not saying it’s not real it’s
definitely real
but it the way that it makes you feel is
is it’s yes
so hey mom I’m sorry I said that word so
it makes you feel like you’re isolated
it makes you feel like the dark is where
you belong and it makes you feel that no
one will ever love you and even if they
did love you you certainly don’t deserve
it so I know what it’s like this
disappear under layers
of decay waiting for someone to find me
so I was diagnosed with depression in
graduate school where I was studying of
all things counselor education and I
knew as a new counselor that knew
everything that only sleeps me a couple
hours at night for a couple of weeks was
probably not a good thing so I decided
to go to the medical center for help
hoping to be prescribed something that
would help me finally get some rest and
so when I met with my doctor after
hearing the usual questions he asked me
one thing he said do you have Dino if
you have a history of depression and of
course knowing everything I said no I
was just tired obviously aren’t you the
doctor you just see that and he said you
I want you to do me a favor and he gave
me an instruction that probably saved my
life at that point he said I want you to
make a appointment with a therapist and
come back to me and so of course I
wanted to prove him wrong so I made the
appointment and after again asking the
usual questions my therapist asked me
something that changed everything she
said tell me what’s been going on that’s
keeping you from from sleeping and it
was like a dam broke everything that had
pinned up things I knew and things I
didn’t know kind of poured forth from me
and I felt relief for the first time and
so my path ala darkness was struck at
that point and I was diagnosed and
depressants and of course I had my
doubts I was afraid that I would become
a person that had too many emotions that
goes into a person had no emotions at
all and so I didn’t want to be a robot
so I fought against that but I went
ahead and took them it did change me it
changed me for in a positive direction
it allowed me to manage my emotions sad
was really sad and happy was indeed
happy so I knew exactly how was feeling
and I can process that my
everybody else at that time and I
process that clarity through my art so
art was something that I’d always clung
to it’s something it’s a way that you
can say anything you wanted while using
a few words and so I started exploring
the countryside going along drives and I
started noticing these homes just
hanging out under kudzu and when you
have depression sometimes you make bad
choices and I started looking through
windows peeking through doors going in
those doors and and seeing what light
with what what lay within and I at that
moment I stopped seeing these places as
buildings excuse me I feel like a
um so I stopped seeing these places as
buildings I started seeing them as
sleeping giants as as actual beings that
have stories that needed to be told I
mean these places their homes once
people live there people loved there
once they had stories that were
essential to where we are today in our
country now this one here I’ll have to
say is this one is a house in
Westminster and after I left this house
and developed a photo someone said I
think you were in a mess house oh well
whoopsies so so I survived that I’m here
to here to say that I am I am okay uh so
uh so my friends will tell you that I
personify these buildings I talk about
them like they’re actual people I used
the pronouns she and he and all that but
one one place that I had particular
kinship with was Cortney mill in Newry
South Carolina and somebody may be
familiar with the mill
uh Courtney sits on at the edge of a
small village that she used to support
and she supported the village until she
ceased operations in 1975 now in her
heyday she was a center of cotton plant
processing and inside
she had walls that were brilliantly
painted that was one of the first things
I noticed about her she had a beautiful
brickwork throughout like people really
took their time to build these mills and
the the windows in her towers were this
perfect tiffany blue and so that was
just something that struck me about her
the first time I got to go and visit her
so now nuri mill she Kourtney mill
actually she lives on in stories of
Murray at his heyday its production
floors are silence full of rotting wood
and in in holes and the as you can see
there the windows are they lie in the
ivy that have grown up around the
building and so you don’t really see a
lot of people going through Courtney
mill one because it’s not the safest
place and two because you know people
don’t really know her story so recently
you may have heard the news that
Courtney caught fire after a lightning
strike as she was suddenly back in the
public consciousness and sometimes it
takes that spark or near destruction for
you to realize that what’s really
precious that you are important and on
the flip side you really see someone for
what they really are and what they may
be going through and so if you’re living
with depression just know just like
Noori mill you’re very important you
have a story that needs to be told you
may be battered a little bit your glass
may be broken but we need to know what
you added to our our world our world
story and for people who love us living
with depression sometimes you’re going
to have to make choices that you didn’t
think you would make you have to peek
behind windows you’re going to have to
climb over
walls that we’ve built around ourselves
and you’re going to have to risk getting
cut by some of the barbs that we put
around our hearts there and it’s worth
it
we sometimes we’re just waiting there
for someone to help us get out of that
now there’s going to be times where I’m
going to be a superstar again there’s go
many times where you don’t know what to
do um and all you can do is watch from
afar and I would never say it’s not okay
sometimes you can love somebody and you
want nothing but their health and
survival and for them to know how
important they are to you but they’re
also going to be times that you don’t
know what to do and you have to sit and
watch from afar until you know exactly
how you can help so I’ll tell you a
story about the time time I took my
parents actually shooting with me one
time and I’m sure you’re wondering how
my parents feel about me doing this they
do not like it okay so they my mom has
made me promise not to go to any site by
myself because she’s afraid I’m gonna
fall down a well shaft and die so so I
promise that I won’t won’t won’t do that
uh so I took my parents with me and we
decided to go and explore my my dad’s
hometown of Chester South Carolina and
my dad was really excited to show me in
the mill that he’d worked at as as a
teenager and that that morning as I got
ready I was packing my lenses in my
camera and my air filter mask a lot of
that goes into this my mom comes out and
she shows me how she prepared for this
she had two outfits one this is neither
her own words one that in case we had to
run away quickly
and the other a case we had to climb
over things and so at that moment I
never loved my mom more than them
because she knew how important this was
to me
to the point that she planned outfits
for it so I said it’s my mom and I
should mention at this point that both
outfits were white so yeah so you know
you never know so um when we were going
to our first site my parents decided
that they weren’t going to explore with
me they were going to wait in the car
where the air conditioning was and they
would drive slowly and when I went out
of sight so I I’ve never you know when I
go shooting I don’t I’m not used to a
car I usually have a cars behind me I
should probably go right so is this that
yeah this is where they were comfortable
but at that point they weren’t sure
they’re ready to take that journey with
me they knew that they were comfortable
watching from afar but they didn’t know
how to reach in there and grab me so
eventually they got out of the car and
walked around with me and it meant so
much because it meant that they saw just
what I’m doing just how important it was
to me and that this was indeed my
self-care and so sometimes we you love
somebody with depression sometimes it
takes you a little bit but it makes so
it’s such a big difference when we see
that you’re walking next to us and even
if we’re looking behind you behind us
and we see that you are you know
supporting us from afar as long as we
know that you’re in our lives sometimes
that makes the hugest difference and so
today I’m able to live a full and
creative life I am still taking in
depressants still going to therapy and
I’m able to and now my my work my art
has allowed me to spread this message
across the world so
um all I have to say is that by giving
myself walk over to these buildings and
learning their stories
I learned my own story and I learned how
precious I was and they they basically
saved me and so at this point I know how
to come out of the dark on my own and
reach for the light thank you
[Applause]
[Music]
you [Music]