[Music]
so I’m going into a Boston pizza with my
kids Sadie and Louie it’s 2012 their
ages are ten and eight at the time and
I’m explaining to them that their dad me
is a recovering alcoholic it’s been six
years it’s been 12 years to date to date
and so I’m telling them oh well that’s
not me but thank you
I’m telling I don’t know what’s sinking
in what’s not sinking in and we sit down
at the table and the waitress comes over
and hands me the drinks menu and she
starts rattling off the cocktails the
eight-year-old Louie looks so excited
and he puts his hand up like he’s a
school and the waitress goes yes and he
says that’s okay no drinks he’s an
alcoholic Pollak holic holic and the
whole restaurant turns around and looks
at us it’s not a nice look it’s not like
oh look honey there’s an alcoholic over
there
it’s the first one of the spring know
Sadie slides down in her seat and then
shows up after school a couple of days
later to tell me Louie you’re gonna have
to tell him to stop telling everyone
that you’re an alcoholic he is going
around the playground and he somehow
raising the subject oh you have a peanut
allergy well my dad’s an alcoholic and
Sadie and I said to her my first thought
which was yeah we gotta shut this down
but my second thought was well you know
I mean I am an alcoholic so what’s the
matter with that I guess he can say it
and her eyes fill with tears because she
realizes and she says that I mean I’m
sorry I’m embarrassed I’m embarrassed
you’re an alcoholic and it’s not her
fault I don’t know where she learned it
but she learned it somewhere the
eight-year-old had never learned it
never learned that there was anything
weird about it so together Sadie and I
uncovered and discovered this stigma
after which we discarded it now I
thought at the time
what other stigma and prejudices have I
got like buried in here in the basement
they need to be uncovered well I’ll tell
you one of them was that the blueprint
for my life for most of my adult life
was a ladder I thought that the point of
life was to climb the ladder of success
achievement achievement achievement
milestone milestone milestone my
grandfather was a laborer and a
municipal councillor next generation my
dad went to university lawyer came the
mayor of the town I grew up in out west
myself for degrees but a Harvard get
elected to the provincial legislature
and appointed at the age of 37 as the
Attorney General of Ontario a real
climber my experience is that this climb
is insatiable there’s no top lot there’s
no top rung of a ladder in any event it
all ended for me on August 31st 2009 a
man died his name is Darcy Alan Shepard
and it’s not for me to eulogize him
other than to say that he was loved and
he remains loved by many people I was
charged in his death I was charged with
killing him and the charges were dropped
nine months later but after that 28
seconds my life changed my life had been
about success and now it was about
something horrible and tragic and I was
unrecognizable to myself so I made an
unusual addition to a homeless drop-in
center a couple of months later this guy
his name’s Jay Barton and he’s kind of
like a saint he was born into privilege
but he works at this homeless drop-in
center it’s in an old church on Charles
Street near Yonge and Bloor and its name
is sanctuary and J gets people from
other worlds and brings them to this
community of people who live on and near
the streets and I couldn’t figure out
why I was being asked I just think it
was his persistence and my ego just said
sure you invite me to something I’ll
come as I was coming down going down the
steps into sanctuary it was a rainy
Thursday afternoon it was around five
o’clock and I was overwhelmed by the
sights and sounds and scent of over a
hundred people who live on the streets
in a dining hall all at once I was
extremely uncomfortable and I went up to
the co-founder and the spiritual leader
there Greg Paul and said give me
something to do give me something to do
and he said no no you’re not here to
bend down from a place of privilege and
power and fame charity you’re not here
to exert control the thing that you can
offer as a human being that everyone in
this room including you needs is dignity
and love and friendship so go befriend
the stranger and he pointed at a at an
empty seat at the table and I said sure
thing okay just where’s the bathroom and
when they weren’t looking I got out of
there I was too uncomfortable I didn’t
know at the time what it was that chased
me out of sanctuary that day but I kept
coming back I kept coming back I think
because I thought that it was an escape
from reality it was like a sanctuary for
me this place I thought that nobody knew
who I was I thought that they didn’t
know that I’d been accused of killing
one of their own I thought that I wasn’t
being judged there at all
months later around the time that the
charges got dropped I stepped out into
the wet parking lot there was snow on
the ground I remember after the Sun went
down and I said goodbye to some staff
members who are at the door Alan and
Greg and Simon I think and I stepped
behind a car and went on my phone I was
out of sight but I was within earshot of
a conversation that changed my life
Virginia one of them said they were
swapping stories about members of their
community was like a loving inventory
over jigna well she’s out of that
horrible relationship she’s got new
housing she changed her meds and she’s a
little too far away from her support
group
eggie this is back when Nikki was alive
eggie is off the needle he’s going our
12-step meetings he loves this new
housing and he he got back the TV that
had been borrowed from him Michael I
thought when I heard my name
Michael’s getting better he’s showing up
earlier and he stays later he’s making
friends with Gord which is good because
Gord weather was a friend of a leopards
and he went red in the face for a week
when Michael first came in but now
Michael and Gord have dinner together
every Thursday night eggy gave him his
phone number and he calls Michael and
they talk about recovery Michael’s
getting better I think he’s gonna be
okay so I gone to this place imagining
that I could offer some charity but
instead I received it this community of
people who live on the streets
live the teaching that you can fight
injustice
but love your enemy they could see past
their own wounds to the uncomfortable
truth that I too was isolated and afraid
and alone but I wasn’t done learning
from this community I’ll never be done a
few months later rather a few years
later I got a message to go meet Craig
and it was a room in College Park and
when I got there it turns out it was the
jail cells in the basement of the
courthouse and I was talking to him
through the plexiglass and said Craig
I’m no good to you as a criminal lawyer
honestly I would not know what to do up
there and he said I’ll tell you what to
do you get this from the clerk and then
that from the public defender and then
you say this to the prosecutor and call
me up and get this from bail program and
say this to the judge and then I’m gone
and I said what do you need me for Craig
looked at me like I was the dumbest guy
in Canada he looked down and I could see
it uncovered discover discard Craig was
banged up he’s a First Nations man and
his head looked like it had been through
a spin cycle of a washer he didn’t have
all his teeth and he was mumbling and I
could see why he was mumbling he was he
was ashamed and he was afraid of what
was awaiting him in that criminal court
and then I saw that I was afraid and
ashamed what kind of a former attorney
general doesn’t know his way around a
courtroom he gave me this gift of all
the dozens of criminal lawyers that were
in that building he decided to trust the
one with the least experience but the
most game since then I’ve done hundreds
of bail hearings and criminal
proceedings for guys just like Craig far
from being
atop the justice system as Attorney
General on an unreal pedestal finally I
was exactly where I was supposed to be I
was in the trenches being useful and I
continue to do that work today at the
Canadian Civil Liberties Association so
tell me who are you and where are you
right now I don’t I don’t think we can
answer that question until you’ve opened
yourself up to participate in something
you really don’t want to do this
unwanted thing it’s not an event it’s a
journey contrary to your nature
there’s no executive program for this
kind of thing uncovering discovering my
estranged cells has and making friends
with that strangers life’s work and I
barely scratched the surface I to change
and to be useful had to give up my idea
of who I was smashed the self and get
rid of all my old ideas all the fears
and prejudices and ego trips and uncover
discovered discard just like Sadie did
back at the Boston Pizza tell me when I
first said I was an alcoholic what did
you think some people might have thought
too much information some might have
thought good for you for putting
yourself out there I couldn’t do that
with my private life but good for you
that’s how I fought or felt about the
sanctuary staff when I first met them
thank god you’re doing this but that’s
not for me I had to go down a ladder and
meet broken people where they were to
see the broken in me and to see where I
could be the most useful and I learned
that the ladder is a horrible metaphor
it’s only in the material
world that people are above you and
below you so the Millennials out there I
mean you’re gonna have to find this out
for yourself what success is to you for
me a success doesn’t matter all that
matters it turns out is how we treat
each other so just connect with the
broken in yourself and in others and
then you’ll you’ll see it by it I mean
this I was near Yonge and Bloor in the
last year and it’s where I first set
eyes on Darcy Shepard the man who died
and back when I was a young man that
neighborhood was menacing to me the
squeegee kids and the panhandlers and
the broken windows
it was menacing to me it was but where
before there had been weeds now it was a
garden and it was a bloom with all of my
friends and they were all there
joby and Frenchie and Keith and Dennis
and angel and V live shared I also there
was something else that I couldn’t put
my finger on it was like you’re in a
room like this and there’s like a fan or
an air conditioner or heater blowing and
then it goes off and you didn’t even
know that it was on that’s what it was
like for me it was I didn’t know that it
would been there until it was gone this
mountain of fear and self-loathing was
just it was gone for a time I get a
reprieve from it but I see now that I’m
afraid most of the time if you’re afraid
too you’re certainly not alone if your
first thought is anger or upset or fear
or a resentment or a stigma hold that
thought
your second thought and your first
action can be something else
it’s called disarmament of the heart but
be careful if you like the sanctuary
community fight injustice but start
loving your enemies hate injustice but
pray for your enemies you might just
wake up one day and not hate them
anymore
fry it someone in your life not Trump
someone real in your life think about
someone that you just when they walk in
the room or just the sound of it you
don’t have to like them just pray for
them for a month try it be careful what
you wish for this transformation
business is never what you think it’s
gonna be the life you save may be your
own thanks
[Applause] [Music]
so I’m going into a Boston pizza with my
kids Sadie and Louie it’s 2012 their
ages are ten and eight at the time and
I’m explaining to them that their dad me
is a recovering alcoholic it’s been six
years it’s been 12 years to date to date
and so I’m telling them oh well that’s
not me but thank you
I’m telling I don’t know what’s sinking
in what’s not sinking in and we sit down
at the table and the waitress comes over
and hands me the drinks menu and she
starts rattling off the cocktails the
eight-year-old Louie looks so excited
and he puts his hand up like he’s a
school and the waitress goes yes and he
says that’s okay no drinks he’s an
alcoholic Pollak holic holic and the
whole restaurant turns around and looks
at us it’s not a nice look it’s not like
oh look honey there’s an alcoholic over
there
it’s the first one of the spring know
Sadie slides down in her seat and then
shows up after school a couple of days
later to tell me Louie you’re gonna have
to tell him to stop telling everyone
that you’re an alcoholic he is going
around the playground and he somehow
raising the subject oh you have a peanut
allergy well my dad’s an alcoholic and
Sadie and I said to her my first thought
which was yeah we gotta shut this down
but my second thought was well you know
I mean I am an alcoholic so what’s the
matter with that I guess he can say it
and her eyes fill with tears because she
realizes and she says that I mean I’m
sorry I’m embarrassed I’m embarrassed
you’re an alcoholic and it’s not her
fault I don’t know where she learned it
but she learned it somewhere the
eight-year-old had never learned it
never learned that there was anything
weird about it so together Sadie and I
uncovered and discovered this stigma
after which we discarded it now I
thought at the time
what other stigma and prejudices have I
got like buried in here in the basement
they need to be uncovered well I’ll tell
you one of them was that the blueprint
for my life for most of my adult life
was a ladder I thought that the point of
life was to climb the ladder of success
achievement achievement achievement
milestone milestone milestone my
grandfather was a laborer and a
municipal councillor next generation my
dad went to university lawyer came the
mayor of the town I grew up in out west
myself for degrees but a Harvard get
elected to the provincial legislature
and appointed at the age of 37 as the
Attorney General of Ontario a real
climber my experience is that this climb
is insatiable there’s no top lot there’s
no top rung of a ladder in any event it
all ended for me on August 31st 2009 a
man died his name is Darcy Alan Shepard
and it’s not for me to eulogize him
other than to say that he was loved and
he remains loved by many people I was
charged in his death I was charged with
killing him and the charges were dropped
nine months later but after that 28
seconds my life changed my life had been
about success and now it was about
something horrible and tragic and I was
unrecognizable to myself so I made an
unusual addition to a homeless drop-in
center a couple of months later this guy
his name’s Jay Barton and he’s kind of
like a saint he was born into privilege
but he works at this homeless drop-in
center it’s in an old church on Charles
Street near Yonge and Bloor and its name
is sanctuary and J gets people from
other worlds and brings them to this
community of people who live on and near
the streets and I couldn’t figure out
why I was being asked I just think it
was his persistence and my ego just said
sure you invite me to something I’ll
come as I was coming down going down the
steps into sanctuary it was a rainy
Thursday afternoon it was around five
o’clock and I was overwhelmed by the
sights and sounds and scent of over a
hundred people who live on the streets
in a dining hall all at once I was
extremely uncomfortable and I went up to
the co-founder and the spiritual leader
there Greg Paul and said give me
something to do give me something to do
and he said no no you’re not here to
bend down from a place of privilege and
power and fame charity you’re not here
to exert control the thing that you can
offer as a human being that everyone in
this room including you needs is dignity
and love and friendship so go befriend
the stranger and he pointed at a at an
empty seat at the table and I said sure
thing okay just where’s the bathroom and
when they weren’t looking I got out of
there I was too uncomfortable I didn’t
know at the time what it was that chased
me out of sanctuary that day but I kept
coming back I kept coming back I think
because I thought that it was an escape
from reality it was like a sanctuary for
me this place I thought that nobody knew
who I was I thought that they didn’t
know that I’d been accused of killing
one of their own I thought that I wasn’t
being judged there at all
months later around the time that the
charges got dropped I stepped out into
the wet parking lot there was snow on
the ground I remember after the Sun went
down and I said goodbye to some staff
members who are at the door Alan and
Greg and Simon I think and I stepped
behind a car and went on my phone I was
out of sight but I was within earshot of
a conversation that changed my life
Virginia one of them said they were
swapping stories about members of their
community was like a loving inventory
over jigna well she’s out of that
horrible relationship she’s got new
housing she changed her meds and she’s a
little too far away from her support
group
eggie this is back when Nikki was alive
eggie is off the needle he’s going our
12-step meetings he loves this new
housing and he he got back the TV that
had been borrowed from him Michael I
thought when I heard my name
Michael’s getting better he’s showing up
earlier and he stays later he’s making
friends with Gord which is good because
Gord weather was a friend of a leopards
and he went red in the face for a week
when Michael first came in but now
Michael and Gord have dinner together
every Thursday night eggy gave him his
phone number and he calls Michael and
they talk about recovery Michael’s
getting better I think he’s gonna be
okay so I gone to this place imagining
that I could offer some charity but
instead I received it this community of
people who live on the streets
live the teaching that you can fight
injustice
but love your enemy they could see past
their own wounds to the uncomfortable
truth that I too was isolated and afraid
and alone but I wasn’t done learning
from this community I’ll never be done a
few months later rather a few years
later I got a message to go meet Craig
and it was a room in College Park and
when I got there it turns out it was the
jail cells in the basement of the
courthouse and I was talking to him
through the plexiglass and said Craig
I’m no good to you as a criminal lawyer
honestly I would not know what to do up
there and he said I’ll tell you what to
do you get this from the clerk and then
that from the public defender and then
you say this to the prosecutor and call
me up and get this from bail program and
say this to the judge and then I’m gone
and I said what do you need me for Craig
looked at me like I was the dumbest guy
in Canada he looked down and I could see
it uncovered discover discard Craig was
banged up he’s a First Nations man and
his head looked like it had been through
a spin cycle of a washer he didn’t have
all his teeth and he was mumbling and I
could see why he was mumbling he was he
was ashamed and he was afraid of what
was awaiting him in that criminal court
and then I saw that I was afraid and
ashamed what kind of a former attorney
general doesn’t know his way around a
courtroom he gave me this gift of all
the dozens of criminal lawyers that were
in that building he decided to trust the
one with the least experience but the
most game since then I’ve done hundreds
of bail hearings and criminal
proceedings for guys just like Craig far
from being
atop the justice system as Attorney
General on an unreal pedestal finally I
was exactly where I was supposed to be I
was in the trenches being useful and I
continue to do that work today at the
Canadian Civil Liberties Association so
tell me who are you and where are you
right now I don’t I don’t think we can
answer that question until you’ve opened
yourself up to participate in something
you really don’t want to do this
unwanted thing it’s not an event it’s a
journey contrary to your nature
there’s no executive program for this
kind of thing uncovering discovering my
estranged cells has and making friends
with that strangers life’s work and I
barely scratched the surface I to change
and to be useful had to give up my idea
of who I was smashed the self and get
rid of all my old ideas all the fears
and prejudices and ego trips and uncover
discovered discard just like Sadie did
back at the Boston Pizza tell me when I
first said I was an alcoholic what did
you think some people might have thought
too much information some might have
thought good for you for putting
yourself out there I couldn’t do that
with my private life but good for you
that’s how I fought or felt about the
sanctuary staff when I first met them
thank god you’re doing this but that’s
not for me I had to go down a ladder and
meet broken people where they were to
see the broken in me and to see where I
could be the most useful and I learned
that the ladder is a horrible metaphor
it’s only in the material
world that people are above you and
below you so the Millennials out there I
mean you’re gonna have to find this out
for yourself what success is to you for
me a success doesn’t matter all that
matters it turns out is how we treat
each other so just connect with the
broken in yourself and in others and
then you’ll you’ll see it by it I mean
this I was near Yonge and Bloor in the
last year and it’s where I first set
eyes on Darcy Shepard the man who died
and back when I was a young man that
neighborhood was menacing to me the
squeegee kids and the panhandlers and
the broken windows
it was menacing to me it was but where
before there had been weeds now it was a
garden and it was a bloom with all of my
friends and they were all there
joby and Frenchie and Keith and Dennis
and angel and V live shared I also there
was something else that I couldn’t put
my finger on it was like you’re in a
room like this and there’s like a fan or
an air conditioner or heater blowing and
then it goes off and you didn’t even
know that it was on that’s what it was
like for me it was I didn’t know that it
would been there until it was gone this
mountain of fear and self-loathing was
just it was gone for a time I get a
reprieve from it but I see now that I’m
afraid most of the time if you’re afraid
too you’re certainly not alone if your
first thought is anger or upset or fear
or a resentment or a stigma hold that
thought
your second thought and your first
action can be something else
it’s called disarmament of the heart but
be careful if you like the sanctuary
community fight injustice but start
loving your enemies hate injustice but
pray for your enemies you might just
wake up one day and not hate them
anymore
fry it someone in your life not Trump
someone real in your life think about
someone that you just when they walk in
the room or just the sound of it you
don’t have to like them just pray for
them for a month try it be careful what
you wish for this transformation
business is never what you think it’s
gonna be the life you save may be your
own thanks
[Applause] [Music]
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