[Music]
I have got a confession to make I’m a
junkie I know I don’t look like it maybe
but I am addicted to special moments
moments of connection moments of
authenticity what I call exhale moments
you know those times when we can just be
and it just being we feel good enough
even with all our imperfections I’m not
so sure when this addiction started I
think it might have been when I was
around four years old and I was walking
with some relatives when all of a sudden
this huge dog came bounding over towards
us okay it was only four so even a
chihuahua may have looked huge but I
come from a family that absolutely
adores dogs and even at four years old I
was a pleaser
I wanted to conform to the expectations
of others and I knew I was expected to
be ecstatic about this dog and I wanted
to love this dog because I wanted to
belong to my pack of relatives there was
only one problem I was terrified
now the urging of my aunts to come out
from behind my uncle’s pant leg did
nothing but create a bigger sense of
shame and an even worse fear that I
would disappoint that they would think
less of me that they might even stop
loving me because even four-year-old can
catastrophize but I thought I’d risk the
worst and tugged at my uncle’s leave and
he bent down and I whispered in his ear
that I was afraid and he understood and
he lifted me up in his arms and he
hadn’t he slowly introduced my hand to
the dog who of course licked it and I
became an ardent dog lover ever since
that moment but it was the first moment
I recall
consciously exposing my vulnerabilities
of intentionally not living up to the
expectations of others it resulted not
only in a teachable moment but it also
increased the bond between my uncle and
myself my fear had been accepted and not
shamed so my four year old dignity could
remain intact the result of an authentic
moment
a more recent event though happened when
I was trying to overcome the breakup of
a relationship with a partner I thought
it was going to grow old with and I
couldn’t believe that I still couldn’t
get it right I had been on this planet
so many years and I still screwed up I
mean was it them was it me I didn’t know
I just knew that I felt my world had
shattered anyways I thought I was coping
with it all right but as often happens
the emotional distress started to leak
out you know when the eyes start to
water and the voice becomes a little
husky and the eye contact diverted and
this wouldn’t have been so bad except it
was happening in the middle of a therapy
session which again wouldn’t have been
so bad except I wasn’t the client I was
the therapist many ways I was lucky that
a colleague of mine noticed that I was
off my game and invited me into her
office and somehow her feelings of
compassion allowed me to feel safe
enough to toss aside any illusion of
professional persona and instead start
to share with her those very real human
feelings of confusion and despair at the
end of our short time together I felt
emotionally drained you know how you
feel after a good cry
but also a lot clearer a lot less
fragile a lot less alone and she shared
with me that she felt privileged that I
had trusted her enough to let her in but
she felt closer to me authentic moments
can often do that there I
have both given and received I think
it’s moments like that that feed my
addiction and I don’t think I’m the only
one I’ve been practicing as a therapist
for over 25 years and no matter what the
presenting issues seem to be my clients
eventually begin to talk about those
moments when they feel safe enough with
another where they feel good enough with
who they are
fellow moment junkies I guess now some
of us can only feel that connection with
Mother Nature and others when they feel
connected to a higher power through
their faith for some it’s only with
their pets but for the luckier ones
amongst us we can actually create those
moments with other members of our
species I’m often remembered of how
powerful those moments can be about a
few years back I was asked to facilitate
a two-day training workshop the purpose
was to help distinct eyes mental health
issues and just to share a fact with you
one out of three Canadians will be
diagnosed with a mental health issue
during their lifetime and that number is
based on those who have actually sought
help so I think we’d be very naive to
think there’s somebody in this room
today who has not been touched with
somebody who’s struggling with a mental
health issue but how many of us talk
about it how many of us instead retreat
and struggle alone anyways back to that
workshop there were about 24
participants many of whom had worked
together for many years and it just took
one brave soul to open up and start to
share with the group her family struggle
with mental health issues she talked of
bearing witness to her mother’s chronic
debilitating struggle with profound
depression how her mother rarely left
her darkened bedroom rarely joined the
family for meals her several suicide
attempts and she talked of how as a
little girl she felt maybe she was
responsible for her
illness was she not pretty enough for
smart enough or ultimately maybe not
lovable enough for her mother didn’t
want to stay alive anyway she began to
tell her story rather tentatively
because being emotionally vulnerable is
not only hard but new for most of us but
her her courage was recognized by the
compassion and the acceptance of those
listening to her story and she gained a
lot more courage from exposing her
vulnerability
very often exposing our true selves in a
safe place can make us feel stronger and
her strength encouraged and inspired
some others in the group to do the same
over those two days and the feedback
afterwards talked of a renewed energy in
the workplace a communal tenderness
having felt seen and accepted which
allowed them to be kinder to each other
and ultimately to themselves the result
of an authentic moment and although
those moments might not last very long
the impact can often be felt over a
lifetime and I say that because I’ve had
the opportunity to work with clients in
palliative care and they are very often
quite reflective and generous with the
sharing of their life stories and what
has struck me is that no matter how
tortuous or even triumphant their lives
have been it is those moments of
connection that bring a smile and where
they return to again and again in their
minds eye those moments when they were
courageous enough just to be with
another to toss out any need to perform
or need to be perfect and just stand
undefended and vulnerable that seems to
have made the most impact and have
brought them the most pride to feel
worthy enough to have another pause look
great at them and want to understand
them
want to bridge the gap between them no
judgment only acceptance and compassion
which allowed them during those moments
and at the moment of their deaths to
feel more kindness and compassion
towards themselves as well and this
being kind to ourselves is no easy task
especially in our society these days
where personal improvement is seen as
this noble goal not personal growth
although it might be packaged that way
but personal improvement seen as a
constant striving a striving for youth a
striving for stoic independence striving
for material goods a striving for
perfection for having the best doing the
best and of course being the best but in
order to pursue best it means you have
to be constantly measuring yourself up
against others otherwise how would you
know that best was achieved and you need
the others to see you as best as well so
we’ve become preoccupied with the
judgment of others we give up our agency
to them our self-esteem our self-worth
is dependent or in the hands of the
minds of those outside of ourselves it
leaves us in a disempowered position
which creates a lot of anxiety because
god forbid we expose our flawed cells so
we put a lot of energy into creating
this cloak of Defense’s trying to be
what people think we should be or what
we think people want us to be and this
significantly interferes with the
ability to create authentic moments
because in order to create those moments
mind to mind heart to heart we need to
refocus the energy we use in maintaining
that cloak of Defense’s and focus it
outwards towards the other not to try to
figure out how the others judging us or
how we’re different or who’s right who’s
wrong who’s best but instead try to
recognize and focus and
mind ourselves of those human
connections those human bonds that
connect us all and ironically the
striving not to be the best in those
moments often brings out the best in us
so why are we talking about authentic
moments today well I think it’s because
we’re living in extremely challenging
times environmental issues you’ve been
right social justice are local and
domestic concerns all demand our urgent
attention and I don’t believe authentic
moments are end goals on to themselves
instead I see them as essential first
steps towards change because when we are
creating authentic moments we’re
refusing to buy into those polarized
stereotypes of right and left and them
in us and instead we choose to focus on
those human qualities that we all share
and we gain strength and inspiration and
momentum from reminding ourselves that
were not alone and this momentous
momentum pushes us forwards to action so
let us not waste any more moments let us
from this moment on begin the process of
change from this moment on let us become
moving junkies together join me in my
addiction our world is hungry for us
thank you
[Applause]
I have got a confession to make I’m a
junkie I know I don’t look like it maybe
but I am addicted to special moments
moments of connection moments of
authenticity what I call exhale moments
you know those times when we can just be
and it just being we feel good enough
even with all our imperfections I’m not
so sure when this addiction started I
think it might have been when I was
around four years old and I was walking
with some relatives when all of a sudden
this huge dog came bounding over towards
us okay it was only four so even a
chihuahua may have looked huge but I
come from a family that absolutely
adores dogs and even at four years old I
was a pleaser
I wanted to conform to the expectations
of others and I knew I was expected to
be ecstatic about this dog and I wanted
to love this dog because I wanted to
belong to my pack of relatives there was
only one problem I was terrified
now the urging of my aunts to come out
from behind my uncle’s pant leg did
nothing but create a bigger sense of
shame and an even worse fear that I
would disappoint that they would think
less of me that they might even stop
loving me because even four-year-old can
catastrophize but I thought I’d risk the
worst and tugged at my uncle’s leave and
he bent down and I whispered in his ear
that I was afraid and he understood and
he lifted me up in his arms and he
hadn’t he slowly introduced my hand to
the dog who of course licked it and I
became an ardent dog lover ever since
that moment but it was the first moment
I recall
consciously exposing my vulnerabilities
of intentionally not living up to the
expectations of others it resulted not
only in a teachable moment but it also
increased the bond between my uncle and
myself my fear had been accepted and not
shamed so my four year old dignity could
remain intact the result of an authentic
moment
a more recent event though happened when
I was trying to overcome the breakup of
a relationship with a partner I thought
it was going to grow old with and I
couldn’t believe that I still couldn’t
get it right I had been on this planet
so many years and I still screwed up I
mean was it them was it me I didn’t know
I just knew that I felt my world had
shattered anyways I thought I was coping
with it all right but as often happens
the emotional distress started to leak
out you know when the eyes start to
water and the voice becomes a little
husky and the eye contact diverted and
this wouldn’t have been so bad except it
was happening in the middle of a therapy
session which again wouldn’t have been
so bad except I wasn’t the client I was
the therapist many ways I was lucky that
a colleague of mine noticed that I was
off my game and invited me into her
office and somehow her feelings of
compassion allowed me to feel safe
enough to toss aside any illusion of
professional persona and instead start
to share with her those very real human
feelings of confusion and despair at the
end of our short time together I felt
emotionally drained you know how you
feel after a good cry
but also a lot clearer a lot less
fragile a lot less alone and she shared
with me that she felt privileged that I
had trusted her enough to let her in but
she felt closer to me authentic moments
can often do that there I
have both given and received I think
it’s moments like that that feed my
addiction and I don’t think I’m the only
one I’ve been practicing as a therapist
for over 25 years and no matter what the
presenting issues seem to be my clients
eventually begin to talk about those
moments when they feel safe enough with
another where they feel good enough with
who they are
fellow moment junkies I guess now some
of us can only feel that connection with
Mother Nature and others when they feel
connected to a higher power through
their faith for some it’s only with
their pets but for the luckier ones
amongst us we can actually create those
moments with other members of our
species I’m often remembered of how
powerful those moments can be about a
few years back I was asked to facilitate
a two-day training workshop the purpose
was to help distinct eyes mental health
issues and just to share a fact with you
one out of three Canadians will be
diagnosed with a mental health issue
during their lifetime and that number is
based on those who have actually sought
help so I think we’d be very naive to
think there’s somebody in this room
today who has not been touched with
somebody who’s struggling with a mental
health issue but how many of us talk
about it how many of us instead retreat
and struggle alone anyways back to that
workshop there were about 24
participants many of whom had worked
together for many years and it just took
one brave soul to open up and start to
share with the group her family struggle
with mental health issues she talked of
bearing witness to her mother’s chronic
debilitating struggle with profound
depression how her mother rarely left
her darkened bedroom rarely joined the
family for meals her several suicide
attempts and she talked of how as a
little girl she felt maybe she was
responsible for her
illness was she not pretty enough for
smart enough or ultimately maybe not
lovable enough for her mother didn’t
want to stay alive anyway she began to
tell her story rather tentatively
because being emotionally vulnerable is
not only hard but new for most of us but
her her courage was recognized by the
compassion and the acceptance of those
listening to her story and she gained a
lot more courage from exposing her
vulnerability
very often exposing our true selves in a
safe place can make us feel stronger and
her strength encouraged and inspired
some others in the group to do the same
over those two days and the feedback
afterwards talked of a renewed energy in
the workplace a communal tenderness
having felt seen and accepted which
allowed them to be kinder to each other
and ultimately to themselves the result
of an authentic moment and although
those moments might not last very long
the impact can often be felt over a
lifetime and I say that because I’ve had
the opportunity to work with clients in
palliative care and they are very often
quite reflective and generous with the
sharing of their life stories and what
has struck me is that no matter how
tortuous or even triumphant their lives
have been it is those moments of
connection that bring a smile and where
they return to again and again in their
minds eye those moments when they were
courageous enough just to be with
another to toss out any need to perform
or need to be perfect and just stand
undefended and vulnerable that seems to
have made the most impact and have
brought them the most pride to feel
worthy enough to have another pause look
great at them and want to understand
them
want to bridge the gap between them no
judgment only acceptance and compassion
which allowed them during those moments
and at the moment of their deaths to
feel more kindness and compassion
towards themselves as well and this
being kind to ourselves is no easy task
especially in our society these days
where personal improvement is seen as
this noble goal not personal growth
although it might be packaged that way
but personal improvement seen as a
constant striving a striving for youth a
striving for stoic independence striving
for material goods a striving for
perfection for having the best doing the
best and of course being the best but in
order to pursue best it means you have
to be constantly measuring yourself up
against others otherwise how would you
know that best was achieved and you need
the others to see you as best as well so
we’ve become preoccupied with the
judgment of others we give up our agency
to them our self-esteem our self-worth
is dependent or in the hands of the
minds of those outside of ourselves it
leaves us in a disempowered position
which creates a lot of anxiety because
god forbid we expose our flawed cells so
we put a lot of energy into creating
this cloak of Defense’s trying to be
what people think we should be or what
we think people want us to be and this
significantly interferes with the
ability to create authentic moments
because in order to create those moments
mind to mind heart to heart we need to
refocus the energy we use in maintaining
that cloak of Defense’s and focus it
outwards towards the other not to try to
figure out how the others judging us or
how we’re different or who’s right who’s
wrong who’s best but instead try to
recognize and focus and
mind ourselves of those human
connections those human bonds that
connect us all and ironically the
striving not to be the best in those
moments often brings out the best in us
so why are we talking about authentic
moments today well I think it’s because
we’re living in extremely challenging
times environmental issues you’ve been
right social justice are local and
domestic concerns all demand our urgent
attention and I don’t believe authentic
moments are end goals on to themselves
instead I see them as essential first
steps towards change because when we are
creating authentic moments we’re
refusing to buy into those polarized
stereotypes of right and left and them
in us and instead we choose to focus on
those human qualities that we all share
and we gain strength and inspiration and
momentum from reminding ourselves that
were not alone and this momentous
momentum pushes us forwards to action so
let us not waste any more moments let us
from this moment on begin the process of
change from this moment on let us become
moving junkies together join me in my
addiction our world is hungry for us
thank you
[Applause]
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