I decided to travel again in New England
this time which just reminded me once
again how special autumn was for both of
us but really for Beth I mean the color
of autumn was in her hair and in her
eyes she had a little bit of green in
her eyes and she had a lot of reds and
oranges in her hair and it was just this
amazing beauty taught him and and there
was an amazing Beauty to Beth um inside
and out and I see her in everything and
everywhere I go but definitely in the
autumn definitely those colors
definitely that season I mean it was her
favorite season long before we started
dating but we started dating in the
autumn and she passed away in the autumn
so I guess now I’m probably gonna have
very mixed feelings about the season but
it’s always gonna be special
to me I’m always gonna see her in the
leaves and in them in the forests but
there’s a kind of a tragic quality a lot
of that all this beauty is fleeting and
all the leaves are eventually gonna fall
off the trees and it’s the season is
gonna give way to winter even before all
the leaves have fallen to the ground
sometimes winter has already hit well
the leaves are still in the trees and
then it’s another kind of beauty to see
snow on autumn colors like that but to
me winter is the season that kills off
autumn I know there’s there’s got to be
a better way to put that but I mean I
love the snow sure
but when the snow comes that means
autumns gonna end if it hasn’t already
and in a mapping a hard time in these
transitions a hard time letting go a
hard time moving on I guess I’m doing my
best to just get through this to get
through this season and then the next
season and kind of try to return to the
person I was somehow I don’t know if
that’s a clip from my film titled
missing piece which I made more than a
ever since I was a kid I was always
engaged with art for my whole life
really before and after I literally got
engaged to my wife
I admit I wasn’t great at first I made
this when I just started second grade
I’m glad my mom kept it even though I
think she saved it because she thought
it was funny but if I had an elephant I
would have it do my menial chores like
set the table take out the garbage I may
not have been very good but I eventually
got better and I always enjoyed it that
is I enjoyed it until decades later when
my wife became sick not long after that
I made a deliberate decision to stop
making art I wanted to free up time to
be her caretaker so I walked away from
being a practicing artist she was far
more important than our it actually
wasn’t that hard to give up to be honest
it was more challenging to give up meat
eight years underwear illness though I
woke up one morning and she was gone
think about a life-changing loss you’ve
experienced it might have been years ago
but for you it still feels like just the
other day well for me it feels like it
was just yesterday and the devastation
is still raw I spent the next two years
trying to process her death
I shared images and wrote about her on a
blog I called traveling with virtual
Beth I traveled with tiny 3d printed
spheres I created with different images
on each and each filled with a small
amount of her ashes I buried them in
several dozen countries and multiple
continents across the globe I returned
to favorite places
then we went on our honeymoon such as
baths in the United Kingdom she always
wanted to go to Hawaii so I made sure
she made it to Hawaii and I took her to
iguazu falls in argentina because she
loved waterfalls and they were the most
extraordinary and extensive waterfalls I
knew of and I took her to Iceland but I
didn’t just take her ashes I also wore
her ring wherever I went I got the
diamond when I lived and worked in
Africa although I didn’t want her to
know I was thinking of proposing to her
so I smuggled it out of Africa in the
sole of my shoe
I took her to Machu Picchu in Peru I
think she would have enjoyed that and I
took her to Wales
she loved Wales it was her favorite
place from our honeymoon and we traveled
all over the country
I created a photo series almost by
accident it was a part of my process but
it actually started simply because I was
already carrying photos to help identify
specific locations to bury her ashes
because I wanted to confirm the places
as precisely as possible and the photo
was helping me do that one day I decided
to hold up photos in specific locations
like you might have seen people do with
Old World War 2 photos I’d take new
photos to illustrate the passing of time
and to show what was missing her that
act evolved into a film a clip of what
you just saw and although it’s always
classified as a documentary film I refer
to it more as a love letter than a
documentary some images brought back
memories that I’d nearly forgotten and
created new ones as well this one was a
challenge to get I’d identified almost
every other location in Wales in fact it
took me weeks of research to pinpoint
the castles and the beach where most of
these photos were taken but it was
cathartic traveling in Wales I
experienced a rush of memories when I
revisited conwy castle in North Wales as
well as Dovid Ellen Castle especially
this wall fragment where I asked her to
pose in this old windowless arch I love
this I was even invited into a Welsh
family’s home where I shared the photos
with him and they generously helped me
identify some key locations at one point
I gave up on this image each person I
asked wasn’t sure precisely where it
might have been taken
and after I gave up as I was driving
away from the town I drove over a set of
railroad tracks and in that moment I
realized they must be the same tracks
that I could make out in the upper left
corner of the photo from that
perspective I felt certain maybe
foolishly that I could triangulate the
location of that overlook so I turned
the car around and drove back even
though I was already a day behind
schedule
and I hiked and hiked searching for the
spot this image means a lot to me more
than I can really articulate but really
I could tell long stories about most of
the photos I took I eventually I
reluctantly accepted that I was reared
in the art world which I still struggle
with it felt like the worst trade-off I
could have ever imagined I couldn’t give
a damn about art or even the photos
really I argued with everyone that told
me I was making art I explained it was a
healing process not an art project and I
did not want to reduce her to a simple
art project it kills me to think of her
or her death in that way at first year I
couldn’t spend any time in my studio I
wasn’t simply unproductive it was
brutally depressing I was miserable
because all I could think about was the
only reason I had time to be in the
studio was because she was gone
I loathed it I couldn’t get it out of my
mind
and it only made me more angry and
depressed I needed to get away from the
studio and it’s one one reason I started
traveling instead the images weren’t my
goal what was important were the little
spheres containing her ashes
they were the heart of everything I was
doing
my purpose each time I buried some of
her ashes I would say metaphor a little
meditative prayer and traveling all over
the world burying her ashes saying
metaphor her meta is a kind of Prayer
the Beth would say for her family for
her friends for herself for me so when I
bury her ashes I say a slightly
different form of metaphor I give it a
kiss every time I say one of them it’s
this guy is crying so I would I would
say may you dwell in safety maybe a
maybe free from suffering and may you
know my gratitude and love I’ll bury
I’m not really sure just how much I grew
from the process but one thing that
affected me more than I expected was a
use of social media where I shared
everything the reactions I received from
friends and family were helpful as were
messages from people I’d never met in
real life including the comedian Patton
Oswalt who had recently lost his wife
some joined me on the journey offering
unconditional love and support which I
appreciate more than I can say a few
criticized me even unfriended me kept me
completely out of their lives
that felt cruel and yet others offered
advice I mean ever asked for advice only
for an ear and a shoulder if someone
needs you to be there that’s all you
need to do be there there’s no other
expectation there’s no need to tell them
how to behave I was told that women
grieve but men suck it up I was also
told I should be commended for being
vulnerable which I never understood
since that felt like a criticism I was
showing weakness rather than simply
being open and honest I’d argue burying
things is the escapists option and
confronting pain and loss head-on could
be more effective though I admit it
requires great resolve but I’m not here
to convince you that the path I followed
is the best way I’m really not I’m no
expert and you certainly don’t need to
be an artist and besides that was kind
ultimately to anyone here who suffered a
tragic and incomprehensible loss I’d
encourage you to do anything that helps
as long as it doesn’t hurt others or
yourself and whatever you decide is the
proper way to grieve is the proper way
to grieve now whatever your choices are
they’re right for you and however long
it takes for you to process it is the
right amount of time there’s no calendar
for grief but you can get through it I
promise you that high technology can be
hard really hard but I listened to
everything you had to say and I’d be
there with you and I’d offer you the
same words the same meta Beth offered
her friends and their family but also
said for herself and I’d ask you to say
metaphor significant people in your life
but to say it for yourself as well may
you be happy may you be healthy may you
be safe and may you know my gratitude in
love thank you [Applause]
this time which just reminded me once
again how special autumn was for both of
us but really for Beth I mean the color
of autumn was in her hair and in her
eyes she had a little bit of green in
her eyes and she had a lot of reds and
oranges in her hair and it was just this
amazing beauty taught him and and there
was an amazing Beauty to Beth um inside
and out and I see her in everything and
everywhere I go but definitely in the
autumn definitely those colors
definitely that season I mean it was her
favorite season long before we started
dating but we started dating in the
autumn and she passed away in the autumn
so I guess now I’m probably gonna have
very mixed feelings about the season but
it’s always gonna be special
to me I’m always gonna see her in the
leaves and in them in the forests but
there’s a kind of a tragic quality a lot
of that all this beauty is fleeting and
all the leaves are eventually gonna fall
off the trees and it’s the season is
gonna give way to winter even before all
the leaves have fallen to the ground
sometimes winter has already hit well
the leaves are still in the trees and
then it’s another kind of beauty to see
snow on autumn colors like that but to
me winter is the season that kills off
autumn I know there’s there’s got to be
a better way to put that but I mean I
love the snow sure
but when the snow comes that means
autumns gonna end if it hasn’t already
and in a mapping a hard time in these
transitions a hard time letting go a
hard time moving on I guess I’m doing my
best to just get through this to get
through this season and then the next
season and kind of try to return to the
person I was somehow I don’t know if
that’s a clip from my film titled
missing piece which I made more than a
ever since I was a kid I was always
engaged with art for my whole life
really before and after I literally got
engaged to my wife
I admit I wasn’t great at first I made
this when I just started second grade
I’m glad my mom kept it even though I
think she saved it because she thought
it was funny but if I had an elephant I
would have it do my menial chores like
set the table take out the garbage I may
not have been very good but I eventually
got better and I always enjoyed it that
is I enjoyed it until decades later when
my wife became sick not long after that
I made a deliberate decision to stop
making art I wanted to free up time to
be her caretaker so I walked away from
being a practicing artist she was far
more important than our it actually
wasn’t that hard to give up to be honest
it was more challenging to give up meat
eight years underwear illness though I
woke up one morning and she was gone
think about a life-changing loss you’ve
experienced it might have been years ago
but for you it still feels like just the
other day well for me it feels like it
was just yesterday and the devastation
is still raw I spent the next two years
trying to process her death
I shared images and wrote about her on a
blog I called traveling with virtual
Beth I traveled with tiny 3d printed
spheres I created with different images
on each and each filled with a small
amount of her ashes I buried them in
several dozen countries and multiple
continents across the globe I returned
to favorite places
then we went on our honeymoon such as
baths in the United Kingdom she always
wanted to go to Hawaii so I made sure
she made it to Hawaii and I took her to
iguazu falls in argentina because she
loved waterfalls and they were the most
extraordinary and extensive waterfalls I
knew of and I took her to Iceland but I
didn’t just take her ashes I also wore
her ring wherever I went I got the
diamond when I lived and worked in
Africa although I didn’t want her to
know I was thinking of proposing to her
so I smuggled it out of Africa in the
sole of my shoe
I took her to Machu Picchu in Peru I
think she would have enjoyed that and I
took her to Wales
she loved Wales it was her favorite
place from our honeymoon and we traveled
all over the country
I created a photo series almost by
accident it was a part of my process but
it actually started simply because I was
already carrying photos to help identify
specific locations to bury her ashes
because I wanted to confirm the places
as precisely as possible and the photo
was helping me do that one day I decided
to hold up photos in specific locations
like you might have seen people do with
Old World War 2 photos I’d take new
photos to illustrate the passing of time
and to show what was missing her that
act evolved into a film a clip of what
you just saw and although it’s always
classified as a documentary film I refer
to it more as a love letter than a
documentary some images brought back
memories that I’d nearly forgotten and
created new ones as well this one was a
challenge to get I’d identified almost
every other location in Wales in fact it
took me weeks of research to pinpoint
the castles and the beach where most of
these photos were taken but it was
cathartic traveling in Wales I
experienced a rush of memories when I
revisited conwy castle in North Wales as
well as Dovid Ellen Castle especially
this wall fragment where I asked her to
pose in this old windowless arch I love
this I was even invited into a Welsh
family’s home where I shared the photos
with him and they generously helped me
identify some key locations at one point
I gave up on this image each person I
asked wasn’t sure precisely where it
might have been taken
and after I gave up as I was driving
away from the town I drove over a set of
railroad tracks and in that moment I
realized they must be the same tracks
that I could make out in the upper left
corner of the photo from that
perspective I felt certain maybe
foolishly that I could triangulate the
location of that overlook so I turned
the car around and drove back even
though I was already a day behind
schedule
and I hiked and hiked searching for the
spot this image means a lot to me more
than I can really articulate but really
I could tell long stories about most of
the photos I took I eventually I
reluctantly accepted that I was reared
in the art world which I still struggle
with it felt like the worst trade-off I
could have ever imagined I couldn’t give
a damn about art or even the photos
really I argued with everyone that told
me I was making art I explained it was a
healing process not an art project and I
did not want to reduce her to a simple
art project it kills me to think of her
or her death in that way at first year I
couldn’t spend any time in my studio I
wasn’t simply unproductive it was
brutally depressing I was miserable
because all I could think about was the
only reason I had time to be in the
studio was because she was gone
I loathed it I couldn’t get it out of my
mind
and it only made me more angry and
depressed I needed to get away from the
studio and it’s one one reason I started
traveling instead the images weren’t my
goal what was important were the little
spheres containing her ashes
they were the heart of everything I was
doing
my purpose each time I buried some of
her ashes I would say metaphor a little
meditative prayer and traveling all over
the world burying her ashes saying
metaphor her meta is a kind of Prayer
the Beth would say for her family for
her friends for herself for me so when I
bury her ashes I say a slightly
different form of metaphor I give it a
kiss every time I say one of them it’s
this guy is crying so I would I would
say may you dwell in safety maybe a
maybe free from suffering and may you
know my gratitude and love I’ll bury
I’m not really sure just how much I grew
from the process but one thing that
affected me more than I expected was a
use of social media where I shared
everything the reactions I received from
friends and family were helpful as were
messages from people I’d never met in
real life including the comedian Patton
Oswalt who had recently lost his wife
some joined me on the journey offering
unconditional love and support which I
appreciate more than I can say a few
criticized me even unfriended me kept me
completely out of their lives
that felt cruel and yet others offered
advice I mean ever asked for advice only
for an ear and a shoulder if someone
needs you to be there that’s all you
need to do be there there’s no other
expectation there’s no need to tell them
how to behave I was told that women
grieve but men suck it up I was also
told I should be commended for being
vulnerable which I never understood
since that felt like a criticism I was
showing weakness rather than simply
being open and honest I’d argue burying
things is the escapists option and
confronting pain and loss head-on could
be more effective though I admit it
requires great resolve but I’m not here
to convince you that the path I followed
is the best way I’m really not I’m no
expert and you certainly don’t need to
be an artist and besides that was kind
ultimately to anyone here who suffered a
tragic and incomprehensible loss I’d
encourage you to do anything that helps
as long as it doesn’t hurt others or
yourself and whatever you decide is the
proper way to grieve is the proper way
to grieve now whatever your choices are
they’re right for you and however long
it takes for you to process it is the
right amount of time there’s no calendar
for grief but you can get through it I
promise you that high technology can be
hard really hard but I listened to
everything you had to say and I’d be
there with you and I’d offer you the
same words the same meta Beth offered
her friends and their family but also
said for herself and I’d ask you to say
metaphor significant people in your life
but to say it for yourself as well may
you be happy may you be healthy may you
be safe and may you know my gratitude in
love thank you [Applause]
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