Wow
so are you guys familiar with the saying
you come into this world alone and then
you go out alone you know that’s a when
I hear it I think yes we come in alone
we go out alone what about all this
space in the middle the space that is
our life and how often in our lives we
feel that same kind of alone that
they’re talking about and that saying
it’s some it’s very specific feeling
because it’s not on the outside it’s
here sort of alone on the inside with
yourself and you know it’s that kind of
alone when you’re going through
something and suddenly you realize only
you can get you through I’m just
convinced that so much of how we feel
about ourselves and how we sit in our
lives is a result of how we get through
the hard stuff and how we deal with this
place on the inside I went through a
difficult experience as a younger girl
and found myself having to reckon with
this place inside I learned a lot from
it so I’m number five out of seven kids
I was raised in an affluent bubble of a
suburb outside of Chicago in the top 2%
of the over privileged in America our
life did not see a whole lot of struggle
we had an abundance of love and support
and opportunity like in general my life
was a really safe and easy place to be
so in the summer of 1979 going into my
senior year of high school I had sex
with my boyfriend for the first time
every time I say that sentence it feels
completely ridiculous but trust me
that’s going to go somewhere in this
story so
after having sex for the first time um
this was not something that he and I
talked about her plan this was something
that just sort of happened and honestly
I wasn’t even quite sure that it
happened when it was over you know what
I mean so four and a half months later I
find out I’m pregnant that is when I was
sure that we did it I was actually on
vacation in the British Virgin Islands
with my dad and a bunch of siblings
sailing on a big sailboat when I learned
this I decided to wait to get home to
tell my recently divorced parents
together still probably the least fun
conversation I’ve ever had in my life
you know they were obviously shocked
disappointed and gravely concerned about
my future the one thing that my parents
agreed upon that day was that no one
could ever ever find out what this
happened to me so it was decided that I
would go away and hide in a Catholic
home and have the baby and give it up
for adoption and get back to graduate
from high school my mother was
completely convinced with all that she
was that if anybody ever ever found this
out it would ruin my life truly so they
told my brothers and sisters my
grandparents my friends the dog the
mailman everybody that I was sick
and living in the Mayo Clinic in
Rochester Minnesota so a couple days
after that conversation with my parents
my mom found a place and we got in the
car to drive a few states away to drop
me off quietest drive in the history of
the world and when I arrived is when I
learned that this wasn’t a Catholic home
it was a locked government-run facility
for delinquent underprivileged wayward
pregnant teenagers
a world completely foreign to me a world
I didn’t even know existed so I lived
there for five months no contact with
anybody I knew had the baby
and made it home to graduate when it was
all over I promised my mother that I
would never tell anybody this story and
I kept that promise to her for 38 years
until very recently when I wrote a book
my memoir called look at you now so it
only takes about a two minute version of
this story to see that it is fraught
with lies secrets deception betrayal
gossip rumors judgment shame all of the
things that we try so hard to stay away
from in life because they make it so
difficult and so painful I wanted to
mostly talk about sort of what I went
through internally to get to the other
side of this experience so I arrived in
this place and I meet the girls and I
learned that they’re on pregnant Lee
from juvenile detention or failed foster
care or from the streets and of course
my instinct is to just run as far and as
fast as I can get but I had nowhere to
go
and I lived pretty terrified in this
place for weeks until I started to
question things a certain point it felt
like everything I thought I knew about
the world all of the things I had been
taught to believe about people and about
life felt like they sort of dropped off
of me and vanished and I started to see
that these girls and I had everything in
common than actually mattered we were
teenagers and we were pregnant I started
to get to know them they were very
different than I thought they were
interesting funny
in fact they were hilarious they told me
stories about their lives and their
adventures with the law and I shared my
life about my family and skiing and
sailing
you know they taught me how to play
poker I read books to them they made
rich girl jokes I never quite had the
balls to make poor girl jokes but we
were like soldiers in a platoon
I mean bonded over this pregnancy these
these girls who I thought were hardened
teenage gangsters were really mostly
these endearing misfit toys and I sort
of became one of them you know when
people hear this story I often hear the
word strength everybody talks about the
strength and grit you know it takes to
get through challenge I really think it
was the removal of judgments that helped
me get to the other side of the story
because looking back on it that is what
dropped off and vanished the judgment I
had of these girls and their lives and
their poverty and once it was gone I was
sort of able to see them for who they
really were and then of course it
trickled on down to me and the judgment
I had of myself which was massive
I was wracked with guilt and shame and
hating myself for the mess I’d made of
my life and the disgrace I had become to
my parents all of that stuff inside of
me started to let up a little bit I
stopped beating myself up and actually
imagined that maybe I could have a good
life even had I been in this place the
things inside of me started to feel just
a little bit kinder and a little more
forgiving there is something about the
removal of judgment that brings this
indescribable meaning to the word open
your mind opens your heart opens
everything opens when judgment is gone
things around you feel so different they
feel safer and better it makes me think
you know how you have a couple people in
your life if you’re lucky when you’re
around them and you walk away you can’t
help thinking god I really like that
person that feeling and you don’t quite
know what it is but the truth is you
feel good around them in fact you feel
really good about being who you are when
you’re around them that person is open
and they don’t have judgment that’s sort
of what it feels like and what it looks
like so if I were I know I can’t but if
I were to ask everybody in here how
often do you think you judge yourself
you think about that for a minute I’m
going to guess that whatever your answer
is it’s a whole lot more because
judgment is really tricky because it’s a
habit and it can go so unnoticed
particularly self judgment because this
sort of perceived virtue to it that it’s
okay because you’re not hurting anybody
else right so here’s the test the next
time a challenge comes in just notice
pay attention to what goes on inside of
you is it do you feel something sort of
rooting for you that’s on your side
reminding you you’ve been through stuff
before and you’re going to get through
this or do you have an asshole in there
because an asshole is what reminds us of
all the things that we cannot stand
about ourselves particularly when we’re
in challenge it is from where all the
doubt comes and then of course the doubt
comes in and then comes the fear and the
fear comes in to scare the crap out of
you that is self judgments we don’t need
an enemy in there making the hard times
harder we kind of really need an ally
the only voice that matters the only
voice that truly makes a difference in
your life is your own three days after I
had the baby at 17 I had to go home and
actually walk in the ceremony of my high
school graduation it was some rule and
today I can’t seem to figure out what
was scarier giving birth to a baby out
of my body in that facility or going
home and facing my peers after five
months of being gone
knowing somewhere in my heart that this
lie was not going to hold up and the
judgment and scrutiny I might have to
face so I arrived at graduation and I
was right the like Conda didn’t hold up
all the way lots of kids had made their
own ideas of where I had been and there
was whispering and pointing and
gesturing and it was quite quite a lot
worse than I thought it was going to be
but what surprised me the most was that
I sort of just waited there to feel like
I wanted to burst out crying or run away
or flip everybody off or hate myself and
none of that happened and I realized
that day that all I had gone through
internally to survive in this facility
was exactly what I was going to need to
survive my life and I knew I had it so
if there were one thing that I could
encourage anyone to do in this life it
would be to think about letting go of
judgements particularly the judgement
you have on yourself because to be able
to create and have inside of you a place
that you can turn that will hold you up
and root for you would be quite a gift
you
so are you guys familiar with the saying
you come into this world alone and then
you go out alone you know that’s a when
I hear it I think yes we come in alone
we go out alone what about all this
space in the middle the space that is
our life and how often in our lives we
feel that same kind of alone that
they’re talking about and that saying
it’s some it’s very specific feeling
because it’s not on the outside it’s
here sort of alone on the inside with
yourself and you know it’s that kind of
alone when you’re going through
something and suddenly you realize only
you can get you through I’m just
convinced that so much of how we feel
about ourselves and how we sit in our
lives is a result of how we get through
the hard stuff and how we deal with this
place on the inside I went through a
difficult experience as a younger girl
and found myself having to reckon with
this place inside I learned a lot from
it so I’m number five out of seven kids
I was raised in an affluent bubble of a
suburb outside of Chicago in the top 2%
of the over privileged in America our
life did not see a whole lot of struggle
we had an abundance of love and support
and opportunity like in general my life
was a really safe and easy place to be
so in the summer of 1979 going into my
senior year of high school I had sex
with my boyfriend for the first time
every time I say that sentence it feels
completely ridiculous but trust me
that’s going to go somewhere in this
story so
after having sex for the first time um
this was not something that he and I
talked about her plan this was something
that just sort of happened and honestly
I wasn’t even quite sure that it
happened when it was over you know what
I mean so four and a half months later I
find out I’m pregnant that is when I was
sure that we did it I was actually on
vacation in the British Virgin Islands
with my dad and a bunch of siblings
sailing on a big sailboat when I learned
this I decided to wait to get home to
tell my recently divorced parents
together still probably the least fun
conversation I’ve ever had in my life
you know they were obviously shocked
disappointed and gravely concerned about
my future the one thing that my parents
agreed upon that day was that no one
could ever ever find out what this
happened to me so it was decided that I
would go away and hide in a Catholic
home and have the baby and give it up
for adoption and get back to graduate
from high school my mother was
completely convinced with all that she
was that if anybody ever ever found this
out it would ruin my life truly so they
told my brothers and sisters my
grandparents my friends the dog the
mailman everybody that I was sick
and living in the Mayo Clinic in
Rochester Minnesota so a couple days
after that conversation with my parents
my mom found a place and we got in the
car to drive a few states away to drop
me off quietest drive in the history of
the world and when I arrived is when I
learned that this wasn’t a Catholic home
it was a locked government-run facility
for delinquent underprivileged wayward
pregnant teenagers
a world completely foreign to me a world
I didn’t even know existed so I lived
there for five months no contact with
anybody I knew had the baby
and made it home to graduate when it was
all over I promised my mother that I
would never tell anybody this story and
I kept that promise to her for 38 years
until very recently when I wrote a book
my memoir called look at you now so it
only takes about a two minute version of
this story to see that it is fraught
with lies secrets deception betrayal
gossip rumors judgment shame all of the
things that we try so hard to stay away
from in life because they make it so
difficult and so painful I wanted to
mostly talk about sort of what I went
through internally to get to the other
side of this experience so I arrived in
this place and I meet the girls and I
learned that they’re on pregnant Lee
from juvenile detention or failed foster
care or from the streets and of course
my instinct is to just run as far and as
fast as I can get but I had nowhere to
go
and I lived pretty terrified in this
place for weeks until I started to
question things a certain point it felt
like everything I thought I knew about
the world all of the things I had been
taught to believe about people and about
life felt like they sort of dropped off
of me and vanished and I started to see
that these girls and I had everything in
common than actually mattered we were
teenagers and we were pregnant I started
to get to know them they were very
different than I thought they were
interesting funny
in fact they were hilarious they told me
stories about their lives and their
adventures with the law and I shared my
life about my family and skiing and
sailing
you know they taught me how to play
poker I read books to them they made
rich girl jokes I never quite had the
balls to make poor girl jokes but we
were like soldiers in a platoon
I mean bonded over this pregnancy these
these girls who I thought were hardened
teenage gangsters were really mostly
these endearing misfit toys and I sort
of became one of them you know when
people hear this story I often hear the
word strength everybody talks about the
strength and grit you know it takes to
get through challenge I really think it
was the removal of judgments that helped
me get to the other side of the story
because looking back on it that is what
dropped off and vanished the judgment I
had of these girls and their lives and
their poverty and once it was gone I was
sort of able to see them for who they
really were and then of course it
trickled on down to me and the judgment
I had of myself which was massive
I was wracked with guilt and shame and
hating myself for the mess I’d made of
my life and the disgrace I had become to
my parents all of that stuff inside of
me started to let up a little bit I
stopped beating myself up and actually
imagined that maybe I could have a good
life even had I been in this place the
things inside of me started to feel just
a little bit kinder and a little more
forgiving there is something about the
removal of judgment that brings this
indescribable meaning to the word open
your mind opens your heart opens
everything opens when judgment is gone
things around you feel so different they
feel safer and better it makes me think
you know how you have a couple people in
your life if you’re lucky when you’re
around them and you walk away you can’t
help thinking god I really like that
person that feeling and you don’t quite
know what it is but the truth is you
feel good around them in fact you feel
really good about being who you are when
you’re around them that person is open
and they don’t have judgment that’s sort
of what it feels like and what it looks
like so if I were I know I can’t but if
I were to ask everybody in here how
often do you think you judge yourself
you think about that for a minute I’m
going to guess that whatever your answer
is it’s a whole lot more because
judgment is really tricky because it’s a
habit and it can go so unnoticed
particularly self judgment because this
sort of perceived virtue to it that it’s
okay because you’re not hurting anybody
else right so here’s the test the next
time a challenge comes in just notice
pay attention to what goes on inside of
you is it do you feel something sort of
rooting for you that’s on your side
reminding you you’ve been through stuff
before and you’re going to get through
this or do you have an asshole in there
because an asshole is what reminds us of
all the things that we cannot stand
about ourselves particularly when we’re
in challenge it is from where all the
doubt comes and then of course the doubt
comes in and then comes the fear and the
fear comes in to scare the crap out of
you that is self judgments we don’t need
an enemy in there making the hard times
harder we kind of really need an ally
the only voice that matters the only
voice that truly makes a difference in
your life is your own three days after I
had the baby at 17 I had to go home and
actually walk in the ceremony of my high
school graduation it was some rule and
today I can’t seem to figure out what
was scarier giving birth to a baby out
of my body in that facility or going
home and facing my peers after five
months of being gone
knowing somewhere in my heart that this
lie was not going to hold up and the
judgment and scrutiny I might have to
face so I arrived at graduation and I
was right the like Conda didn’t hold up
all the way lots of kids had made their
own ideas of where I had been and there
was whispering and pointing and
gesturing and it was quite quite a lot
worse than I thought it was going to be
but what surprised me the most was that
I sort of just waited there to feel like
I wanted to burst out crying or run away
or flip everybody off or hate myself and
none of that happened and I realized
that day that all I had gone through
internally to survive in this facility
was exactly what I was going to need to
survive my life and I knew I had it so
if there were one thing that I could
encourage anyone to do in this life it
would be to think about letting go of
judgements particularly the judgement
you have on yourself because to be able
to create and have inside of you a place
that you can turn that will hold you up
and root for you would be quite a gift
you
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