teach people to find they’re happy when
I do this it very complex initially
because people come in and they have the
decision to this is one of my props put
this goes forever in both directions
this side being bagged and this site
being good imagine no one comes in and
says I would like to pay you because my
life is wonderful they come in and
they’re usually at the end of their rope
and they might define themselves as
right there 100% bag my goal is to help
them with hope and to move them along
the continuum I do that initially by
asking them what’s good in your life
they’ve told me everything bad and now
they’re stuck
they can’t define the good so we work
together and I help them usually this
emotion is automatic it’s an automatic
side why did you catch that ball he said
I threw it at him that’s why he caught
it okay
so when I do that is that really did he
have to learn that he didn’t come out of
the womb knowing how to do that did he
his mom had to throw it at him or his
dad had to throw it at him multiple
times he fell over picked himself back
up and they kept throwing it at him
until he got good at it as we work to
deal with our emotions we have to
why didn’t I catch it that’s what I’m
going to teach you you’re not going to
catch the ball because it’s not yours
we have circle of control that’s not a
very good circle in your circle of
control is you that’s all you can
control however we have people in our
life like kids spouse friends work how
many of you tried to control your money
can’t do it Kenya our home and our bills
what happens is each one of these things
has a ball and they throw them at you
this is where negative emotion comes
from your kids are fighting you get lots
of balls your spouse is mad because you
can’t control the kids your work is
overwhelming and you don’t have enough
money now look at the mess you’ve
created that is your negative emotion
anxiety anger frustration hurt and we’re
going to change that we’re going to make
it a much different circle I teach you
skills to become a more powerful you a
very strong individual then I teach you
how to set boundaries a lot of
boundaries then we move people to
different places why do we do that takes
longer for their ball to get towards us
when they throw their ball it hits the
boundary and then it bounces off my work
is done no
not quite we definitely have many
we have many opportunities to change the
three things we can control your
thoughts happen first your feelings
happen second I’m kind of a little OCD
and your behaviors happens third that’s
all we can control how many of you try
to control your children don’t lie it
doesn’t work does it
we have perceived control over them
because we can’t manipulate them usually
but ultimately if they don’t want to be
controlled we can’t do it so if we
maintain that we can only control our
thoughts our feelings and our behaviors
we can get better and become our own
therapist why am i writing it down
that’s all I do in therapy I have a
bird’s-eye view of your problem because
I’m not emotionally connected to it
however you could come into my life and
see what’s wrong in my life pretty
easily because you have a different view
so as I teach you to write it on the
board or a piece of paper or a napkin
sometimes the back of your hand you can
figure out what’s going on we always
start with behaviors because that’s the
easiest to notice someone comes in and
they say I cry all the time
I avoid I yell at my children my heart
rate goes up
I can’t sleep those are the symptoms
that would describe anxiety depression
and so now we’ve got to do something
with this well this happened third so I
helped them by saying okay tell me what
you were feeling that made you cry and
they can usually identify that they
might have been feeling anxious hurt
frustrated worried guilty or many other
things now none of these actually
correlate with the actual behavior
because you can be worried and yell you
can be worried and cry
you can feel guilty and not sleep or
have your heart rate increase so these
are just some of the feelings that
people feel then I say to them fairly
simple what were you thinking when this
happened there are five Universal types
no one cares everything falls apart and
when this happens they can see it if I
said to you close your eyes and tell me
everything I’ve written on this board in
the order that I wrote it could you do
that
no you couldn’t but if I said to look at
it of course you could that’s why we
write it down now you have the bird’s
eye view this is negative we have to go
to positive if we’re going to change
these things so we change colors pretty
simple the youngest person I’ve taught
this to was 7 and he’s actually very
effective in his he actually stood up
before a group recently and taught it
it was very remarkable the oldest person
I’ve taught this to was 88 and she’d
suffered from depression since she had
been 17 years old this fixed it for her
so what’s all of this have in common
they’re all negative so we change
negative to positive by simply changing
the word by marking it out we flip it
comes together falling apart coming
together the second rule is we change
shoulds to I will or I won’t because it
gives us a sense of power and the third
is we change absolutes when you say no
one cares or everyone’s against me
you have to feel absolute emotion which
is extreme one end or the other so what
we do is we bring it to the middle and
it becomes someone now is my work done
not quite
we know that your thoughts lead to your
feelings and your feelings lead to your
behaviors so if you’re thinking red
these are all gonna go down we might
maybe even happy then our behaviors
change these all go down
we might smile laugh enjoy relax or
sleep well this is magic
am I done yet my work is done now you
have to start working you have to go
home and you have to practice this how
do you practice you go to the mirror you
have to reflect inward and you have to
get these thoughts the red thoughts to
become automatic just like catching the
ball the first time you do it you will
say she doesn’t know what she’s talking
about it doesn’t work and in today’s
world most of us do give up after trying
something the first time you have to try
this repeatedly just like catching a
ball you didn’t get good at it the first
time you did it so when you go to the
mirror I don’t want you to look at your
hair I don’t want you to look at your
nose I want you to look in your eyes in
the center of your eyes and say to
yourself I can I’m okay
someone cares some things come together
see while you write it down
I will or I won’t this decision helps
you get control you repeat that over and
over
you may feel 1% better it really didn’t
work did it
but it’s circular because when you think
something you feel it then you behave it
and then it feeds your thoughts have you
ever heard fake it till you make it here
it is this is you faking it you’re
smiling and it changes the way you think
then it becomes 2 percent don’t give up
yet it’s easier now it’s 5 percent then
it becomes 10 percent 20 percent if you
were 20 percent better wouldn’t you want
to stop coming how many of you would
stop paying for therapy if you knew this
you probably would stop because you see
your perception of your problem was off
to begin with you weren’t a hundred
percent bad you were okay and now you’re
twenty percent better this puts me out
of work and then comes the next person
imagine if you were to learn this and
just teach it to one person and that
person taught it to one person we can
change the world I recommend you take
your power back and manage your problems
thank you you