[Music]
okay a man is not a financial plan let
me say it again
a man is not a financial plan and it’s
not because prince charming doesn’t
exist I’m still a believer it’s because
if we as women don’t empower ourselves
with the knowledge and the confidence to
make our own financial decisions we’re
robbing ourselves of that opportunity
we’re sabotaging ourselves and we’re
sabotaging our futures and it’s up to us
individually and in our many roles in
the home and in the community
to change that message ladies in the
audience how many of you have been told
darling you are so pretty I hope you
marry well I was and that’s fine right
it’s socially acceptable there’s nothing
wrong with that statement but what that
statement is really saying is passed the
buck to somebody else who couldn’t do a
better job managing your life than you
can that’s what that’s really saying but
by passing the buck in this socially
acceptable way we’re again robbing
ourselves of the opportunity not only to
make financial decisions but to make
decisions about our families and our
careers because like it or not all of
those aspects of our life are
intertwined with our finances once we
begin to tell ourselves that narrative
that we are not in control of our
finances we open the door for somebody
else to tell a different narrative we
open the door for somebody else to tell
us how to control our lives when we
passively say I can’t we let that seep
into our personality we let it seep into
our self-confidence our self-reliance
and our self-image now you might say
that’s a stretch that girl is being way
too dramatic about this but I’m not
because if you think about it all of the
decisions that we make or most anyway
are intertwined with finance the house
that you live in the job that you choose
the career that you choose the
neighborhood that you live in whether or
not you want to
expand your family all of those
decisions have financial consequences
and because this has such broad impact
this message is true for women of all
ages and all economic backgrounds but
today I want to talk about this from my
perspective and that is the perspective
of pardon me
allergies that’s the perspective of a
mother a daughter a sister a friend a
business owner and a financial
professional and what I’ve observed in
each of those roles over the past
several years is that believing that a
man is a financial plan or believing
that you should or need to subordinate
your financial control to somebody else
is the number one cause of what I call
the bag-lady syndrome I went through if
you if you look up images for the
bag-lady there are some that I mean
they’re all depressing but this one I’d
to find one that like I don’t know
there’s a lot anyway okay so what is
what is the bag-lady syndrome
what is the bag-lady syndrome it is the
utterly paralyzing fear that you will
someday have to make some financial
decision on your own and you’ll be
unable to it’s the utterly paralyzing
fear that you will be destitute on the
side of the road eating cat food
literally the bag lady I’ve heard it
said a million different ways and that
is the exact phrase that I hear from my
clients women’s just women just like you
and just like me who hit a bump in the
road whether it’s a divorce or it’s a
death in the family their life is
upended and they are scared to death
that they’re going to have to make a
financial decision and they’re scared
they’re scared that they’re going to
become the bag lady so again I’ll ask
you in the audience who here knows
somebody whose spouse has died suddenly
everybody right who here knows somebody
who’s been through a really nasty
divorce or just a divorce any divorce
doesn’t even need to be nasty they’re
all bumps okay so this story is gonna
sound pretty familiar to all of you then
several years ago a woman came into my
office for help with financial aspects
around a divorce she was in her early
50s she had been married for 23 years or
so and her husband was leaving her for
the
your younger female etc same old story
in this case though there were also
several lawsuits involved and there are
also hundreds of thousands of back taxes
that were due that she had do that she
didn’t realize were there from her
perspective she was living the highlife
she had the big house she had the club
memberships the gym memberships the big
vacations the whole bit so from her
perspective everything was fine
it was my fantastic job after looking
over all the numbers to explain to her
that the life that they had been living
was literally based in sand that it was
an illusion and this was a surprise to
her she assumed that because she had
played the role of the perfect corporate
wife and she had assumed that because
she’d spent enough hours at the gym and
that the kids were fed and everybody was
healthy that everything was fine but in
reality she assumed and she never asked
and one thing that I’ve learned over and
over again over the past several years
is that assumptions are absolutely the
mother of all massive screw-ups that are
out there it’s very true and this case
is no different she assumed and she
didn’t ask so I met with her several
times over the course of the next
several months and as I got to know her
better and see how genuinely astute she
really was and felt more comfortable
with her I asked why didn’t you ask why
didn’t you dig a little bit deeper even
casually into what was going on with the
finances especially when you started to
feel like things were going south why
didn’t you ask were you afraid that he
would say no were you afraid that he
would say it’s none of your business or
that he would say you’re stupid or laugh
at you were you afraid that you’d be
unattractive or somehow it would create
a conflict any of those things
and her answer not surprisingly was all
of the above she had become so
conditioned to thinking that these
topics were not her concern she was so
used to being told don’t worry your
pretty little head about that that she
took that pretty head and she stuck it
right back in the sand again she
literally it wasn’t just that she lost
confidence in her financial abilities it
was that it was even worse she had
actually mentally relinquished financial
control of her life I know that sounds
deep and I’m
it was her money too it was her family
it was her future she never asked she
just assumed and she would say to me
over and over again and it was so
upsetting to hear she’d say I am so
stupid where money is concerned and I
hear that so frequently and it just
wasn’t true she was there and is very
very bright she just chose not to stay
informed she chose not to be aware and
in doing so she silently let someone
else take that positive position her for
financial ruin and that’s exactly what
you would have expected so the story
ended as you expect the divorce went
through kids are fine they kept moving
on and unfortunately my client was left
with a pretty solid financial mess that
we’ve spent the last few years trying to
fix the only upside of it is that she is
now much more financially aware than she
was all those years ago now is it
surprising that when her husband left
that she was actually that she doubted
herself no it’s completely fair of
course she’s gonna doubt herself is it
surprising that that self doubt fed on
itself when her life was upended no not
at all completely fair so I wasn’t at
all surprised when she said to me I am
scared to death of being a bag lady now
I’m sure you all have similar stories
this isn’t a surprise in fact it’s
practically a cliche it’s unfortunate
but it’s true and what I find the most
amazing is that with all the strides
that women have made over the past
decades socially politically
professionally our confidence where
money is concerned has barely edged up
there’s plenty of studies to show it our
confidence has barely moved and to be
fair fear and doubt are absolutely okay
fear and doubt are necessary they’re
important when they motivate but they
can also be absolutely paralyzing and
the only one that can stomp out that
fear whether it’s by asking questions
being aware or demanding information is
you it’s never too late in the game to
take the reins yourself or when it’s
appropriate to ask to share the reins
with a partner
staying informed and aware is imperative
to avoiding the bag-lady syndrome Wow
okay so you might be saying this is
depressing why do they come back from
lunch for this is she telling me I
shouldn’t get married that I shouldn’t
trust my husband that the bad guys
really are out to get me no I’m not
saying that at all what I’m saying is
knowledge is power
does anybody here remember GI Joe from
the 1980s cartoon Fame does anybody
remember what his motto or message was
net anybody okay now I know and knowing
is half the battle right that was GI Joe
I used to watch a lot of GI Joe had
friends with brothers so does anybody
remember Barbies motto she doesn’t have
one it’s time to change the message
so if we want a different vision vision
is the second component of kicking the
bag-lady syndrome so I have another
story for you this one is a little bit
more positive okay so I’ve been working
with a woman on her financial plan for
several years and she would commit me as
she let me give you a little background
she is divorced and remarried has three
successful grown children she’s
successful in her career she’s
professionally respected respected in
the community just an overall wonderful
person but she was miserable absolutely
miserable she had worked for the same
company for 20-plus years and it seemed
as though that company did everything
that they could to make her miserable to
undermine her and to make hurts
basically to push her to the point where
she just wherever it was that was gonna
be her breaking point and she was
miserable so she would come to my office
for our meetings and she would cry and I
would cry we’ve cried together and then
I would say to her why don’t you just
leave you have the skills you have the
connections you have the opportunities
why don’t you leave why don’t you start
your own thing move to a different
company what there’s lots of
opportunities out there for you and she
would say what if I fail she was scared
to death of failure she said I might be
miserable but this misery that I know is
better than the misery that I don’t know
I’m so afraid that I might fail so if
you picture this this is like a lot of
folks that you know for 20-plus years
she put her head down she worked she
went to every part of me she went to
work she raised her kids she did exactly
what she was supposed to do she couldn’t
even let herself imagine another future
because she was playing the role that
she needed to play but it was time so we
discussed it and she started to make a
plan she looked at her various
weaknesses and strengths she sought out
outside guidance we identified and
managed various risks she created a
timeline and little by little as we’d
meet to discuss her evolving plan you
could see she was getting happier
stronger stronger backbone straighter
backbone and it was just fantastic and
we stopped crying together and the day
that she opened her business the light
in her eye was never brighter than I had
ever seen it and it was just fantastic
so what’s the message from that story
quit your job and get
small business loan right that’s it no
it is a plans inspire vision hopefully
that’s next slide yes so this lady
always possessed the appropriate
professional skills
she had the skills she had the
connections but she was so afraid of
failing and of being the bag lady that
she was unwilling or unable to take that
chance she couldn’t see anything else
she led her employers to find her path
and once she started making a plan and
addressing any of the weaknesses that
came out of that her confidence soared
and her vision took shape having a
vision and a plan whether it’s yours or
one that you craft with a partner is
essential to kicking the bag-lady
syndrome and I know I know the whole
idea of writing down a plan sounds
really trite and really boring because
plan is a four-letter word of course so
I have another question actually and
that is who out there has actually been
asked to put together a 5-year plan
either when you graduated from college
okay Oh awesome a lot of people it’s a
good audience okay I was asked to do
that when I graduated from college and I
did I mean I didn’t just do it my type-a
self went all at it I had it all figured
out
and when I look back at it it’s comical
because the plan that I put back
together or put together back then looks
nothing like the life that I live right
now nothing like it but what I but what
I did not do is toss the concept of that
plan out the window when life threw me
curveballs I use that plan as a point of
reference to figure out where am I now
and where do I want to be and to help
get from point A to point B and what
I’ve learned many times over from
crafting wreak rafting and recreating my
own plan and what I’ve observed
professionally from other women who have
done the exact same thing is that having
a plan like having knowledge is
essential it is half the battle having a
plan helps you to deal with life’s
surprises it helps you it helps you to
make changes and to pivot when necessary
without a plan it’s like you’re trying
to walk through plouf mud when you have
a plan you have visibility and you’re
better able to to change without losing
focus of your goals it also allows you
to be willing to make changes
to take chances which allows you to add
new skills and new people and new
dimensions to your path it allows you to
ask yourself the question what if and
that is what avoiding the bag-lady
syndrome and not assuming that a man is
a financial plan is all about its being
able to ask what if without fear of what
that answer might be it’s saying I am
the plan and I’ve got this
[Applause]
okay a man is not a financial plan let
me say it again
a man is not a financial plan and it’s
not because prince charming doesn’t
exist I’m still a believer it’s because
if we as women don’t empower ourselves
with the knowledge and the confidence to
make our own financial decisions we’re
robbing ourselves of that opportunity
we’re sabotaging ourselves and we’re
sabotaging our futures and it’s up to us
individually and in our many roles in
the home and in the community
to change that message ladies in the
audience how many of you have been told
darling you are so pretty I hope you
marry well I was and that’s fine right
it’s socially acceptable there’s nothing
wrong with that statement but what that
statement is really saying is passed the
buck to somebody else who couldn’t do a
better job managing your life than you
can that’s what that’s really saying but
by passing the buck in this socially
acceptable way we’re again robbing
ourselves of the opportunity not only to
make financial decisions but to make
decisions about our families and our
careers because like it or not all of
those aspects of our life are
intertwined with our finances once we
begin to tell ourselves that narrative
that we are not in control of our
finances we open the door for somebody
else to tell a different narrative we
open the door for somebody else to tell
us how to control our lives when we
passively say I can’t we let that seep
into our personality we let it seep into
our self-confidence our self-reliance
and our self-image now you might say
that’s a stretch that girl is being way
too dramatic about this but I’m not
because if you think about it all of the
decisions that we make or most anyway
are intertwined with finance the house
that you live in the job that you choose
the career that you choose the
neighborhood that you live in whether or
not you want to
expand your family all of those
decisions have financial consequences
and because this has such broad impact
this message is true for women of all
ages and all economic backgrounds but
today I want to talk about this from my
perspective and that is the perspective
of pardon me
allergies that’s the perspective of a
mother a daughter a sister a friend a
business owner and a financial
professional and what I’ve observed in
each of those roles over the past
several years is that believing that a
man is a financial plan or believing
that you should or need to subordinate
your financial control to somebody else
is the number one cause of what I call
the bag-lady syndrome I went through if
you if you look up images for the
bag-lady there are some that I mean
they’re all depressing but this one I’d
to find one that like I don’t know
there’s a lot anyway okay so what is
what is the bag-lady syndrome
what is the bag-lady syndrome it is the
utterly paralyzing fear that you will
someday have to make some financial
decision on your own and you’ll be
unable to it’s the utterly paralyzing
fear that you will be destitute on the
side of the road eating cat food
literally the bag lady I’ve heard it
said a million different ways and that
is the exact phrase that I hear from my
clients women’s just women just like you
and just like me who hit a bump in the
road whether it’s a divorce or it’s a
death in the family their life is
upended and they are scared to death
that they’re going to have to make a
financial decision and they’re scared
they’re scared that they’re going to
become the bag lady so again I’ll ask
you in the audience who here knows
somebody whose spouse has died suddenly
everybody right who here knows somebody
who’s been through a really nasty
divorce or just a divorce any divorce
doesn’t even need to be nasty they’re
all bumps okay so this story is gonna
sound pretty familiar to all of you then
several years ago a woman came into my
office for help with financial aspects
around a divorce she was in her early
50s she had been married for 23 years or
so and her husband was leaving her for
the
your younger female etc same old story
in this case though there were also
several lawsuits involved and there are
also hundreds of thousands of back taxes
that were due that she had do that she
didn’t realize were there from her
perspective she was living the highlife
she had the big house she had the club
memberships the gym memberships the big
vacations the whole bit so from her
perspective everything was fine
it was my fantastic job after looking
over all the numbers to explain to her
that the life that they had been living
was literally based in sand that it was
an illusion and this was a surprise to
her she assumed that because she had
played the role of the perfect corporate
wife and she had assumed that because
she’d spent enough hours at the gym and
that the kids were fed and everybody was
healthy that everything was fine but in
reality she assumed and she never asked
and one thing that I’ve learned over and
over again over the past several years
is that assumptions are absolutely the
mother of all massive screw-ups that are
out there it’s very true and this case
is no different she assumed and she
didn’t ask so I met with her several
times over the course of the next
several months and as I got to know her
better and see how genuinely astute she
really was and felt more comfortable
with her I asked why didn’t you ask why
didn’t you dig a little bit deeper even
casually into what was going on with the
finances especially when you started to
feel like things were going south why
didn’t you ask were you afraid that he
would say no were you afraid that he
would say it’s none of your business or
that he would say you’re stupid or laugh
at you were you afraid that you’d be
unattractive or somehow it would create
a conflict any of those things
and her answer not surprisingly was all
of the above she had become so
conditioned to thinking that these
topics were not her concern she was so
used to being told don’t worry your
pretty little head about that that she
took that pretty head and she stuck it
right back in the sand again she
literally it wasn’t just that she lost
confidence in her financial abilities it
was that it was even worse she had
actually mentally relinquished financial
control of her life I know that sounds
deep and I’m
it was her money too it was her family
it was her future she never asked she
just assumed and she would say to me
over and over again and it was so
upsetting to hear she’d say I am so
stupid where money is concerned and I
hear that so frequently and it just
wasn’t true she was there and is very
very bright she just chose not to stay
informed she chose not to be aware and
in doing so she silently let someone
else take that positive position her for
financial ruin and that’s exactly what
you would have expected so the story
ended as you expect the divorce went
through kids are fine they kept moving
on and unfortunately my client was left
with a pretty solid financial mess that
we’ve spent the last few years trying to
fix the only upside of it is that she is
now much more financially aware than she
was all those years ago now is it
surprising that when her husband left
that she was actually that she doubted
herself no it’s completely fair of
course she’s gonna doubt herself is it
surprising that that self doubt fed on
itself when her life was upended no not
at all completely fair so I wasn’t at
all surprised when she said to me I am
scared to death of being a bag lady now
I’m sure you all have similar stories
this isn’t a surprise in fact it’s
practically a cliche it’s unfortunate
but it’s true and what I find the most
amazing is that with all the strides
that women have made over the past
decades socially politically
professionally our confidence where
money is concerned has barely edged up
there’s plenty of studies to show it our
confidence has barely moved and to be
fair fear and doubt are absolutely okay
fear and doubt are necessary they’re
important when they motivate but they
can also be absolutely paralyzing and
the only one that can stomp out that
fear whether it’s by asking questions
being aware or demanding information is
you it’s never too late in the game to
take the reins yourself or when it’s
appropriate to ask to share the reins
with a partner
staying informed and aware is imperative
to avoiding the bag-lady syndrome Wow
okay so you might be saying this is
depressing why do they come back from
lunch for this is she telling me I
shouldn’t get married that I shouldn’t
trust my husband that the bad guys
really are out to get me no I’m not
saying that at all what I’m saying is
knowledge is power
does anybody here remember GI Joe from
the 1980s cartoon Fame does anybody
remember what his motto or message was
net anybody okay now I know and knowing
is half the battle right that was GI Joe
I used to watch a lot of GI Joe had
friends with brothers so does anybody
remember Barbies motto she doesn’t have
one it’s time to change the message
so if we want a different vision vision
is the second component of kicking the
bag-lady syndrome so I have another
story for you this one is a little bit
more positive okay so I’ve been working
with a woman on her financial plan for
several years and she would commit me as
she let me give you a little background
she is divorced and remarried has three
successful grown children she’s
successful in her career she’s
professionally respected respected in
the community just an overall wonderful
person but she was miserable absolutely
miserable she had worked for the same
company for 20-plus years and it seemed
as though that company did everything
that they could to make her miserable to
undermine her and to make hurts
basically to push her to the point where
she just wherever it was that was gonna
be her breaking point and she was
miserable so she would come to my office
for our meetings and she would cry and I
would cry we’ve cried together and then
I would say to her why don’t you just
leave you have the skills you have the
connections you have the opportunities
why don’t you leave why don’t you start
your own thing move to a different
company what there’s lots of
opportunities out there for you and she
would say what if I fail she was scared
to death of failure she said I might be
miserable but this misery that I know is
better than the misery that I don’t know
I’m so afraid that I might fail so if
you picture this this is like a lot of
folks that you know for 20-plus years
she put her head down she worked she
went to every part of me she went to
work she raised her kids she did exactly
what she was supposed to do she couldn’t
even let herself imagine another future
because she was playing the role that
she needed to play but it was time so we
discussed it and she started to make a
plan she looked at her various
weaknesses and strengths she sought out
outside guidance we identified and
managed various risks she created a
timeline and little by little as we’d
meet to discuss her evolving plan you
could see she was getting happier
stronger stronger backbone straighter
backbone and it was just fantastic and
we stopped crying together and the day
that she opened her business the light
in her eye was never brighter than I had
ever seen it and it was just fantastic
so what’s the message from that story
quit your job and get
small business loan right that’s it no
it is a plans inspire vision hopefully
that’s next slide yes so this lady
always possessed the appropriate
professional skills
she had the skills she had the
connections but she was so afraid of
failing and of being the bag lady that
she was unwilling or unable to take that
chance she couldn’t see anything else
she led her employers to find her path
and once she started making a plan and
addressing any of the weaknesses that
came out of that her confidence soared
and her vision took shape having a
vision and a plan whether it’s yours or
one that you craft with a partner is
essential to kicking the bag-lady
syndrome and I know I know the whole
idea of writing down a plan sounds
really trite and really boring because
plan is a four-letter word of course so
I have another question actually and
that is who out there has actually been
asked to put together a 5-year plan
either when you graduated from college
okay Oh awesome a lot of people it’s a
good audience okay I was asked to do
that when I graduated from college and I
did I mean I didn’t just do it my type-a
self went all at it I had it all figured
out
and when I look back at it it’s comical
because the plan that I put back
together or put together back then looks
nothing like the life that I live right
now nothing like it but what I but what
I did not do is toss the concept of that
plan out the window when life threw me
curveballs I use that plan as a point of
reference to figure out where am I now
and where do I want to be and to help
get from point A to point B and what
I’ve learned many times over from
crafting wreak rafting and recreating my
own plan and what I’ve observed
professionally from other women who have
done the exact same thing is that having
a plan like having knowledge is
essential it is half the battle having a
plan helps you to deal with life’s
surprises it helps you it helps you to
make changes and to pivot when necessary
without a plan it’s like you’re trying
to walk through plouf mud when you have
a plan you have visibility and you’re
better able to to change without losing
focus of your goals it also allows you
to be willing to make changes
to take chances which allows you to add
new skills and new people and new
dimensions to your path it allows you to
ask yourself the question what if and
that is what avoiding the bag-lady
syndrome and not assuming that a man is
a financial plan is all about its being
able to ask what if without fear of what
that answer might be it’s saying I am
the plan and I’ve got this
[Applause]
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