still enough to notice realize that
we’re not living up to all that we can
be we like to blame it on lack of money
or lack of time opportunities
connections intelligence even good looks
but in my work as a leadership
facilitator and coach and in dealing
with myself I see a much more insidious
reason at play you see the reason that I
haven’t always lived up to my potential
that I haven’t shown up fully in all I
am and all I think and all I can do is
you yeah you it’s actually your fault
because you see I needed you to like me
to approve of me to think that what I
was doing was great I needed you not to
reject me not to judge me and certainly
not to talk about me behind my back am I
need of you to approve of me has been
the most disempowering element in my
life when I came to realize was this the
person who has disempowered me most is
me and I suspect I’m not alone in being
my own greatest saboteur psychologists
have a name for this need for approval
in its most extreme form codependency
and although that has been my addiction
of choice perhaps it’s a little strong
for you to relate to so let’s think of
it as an approval addiction and consider
how it might be impacting your life
limiting it and causing you to kill off
your dreams drawing from a great body of
research that I’ve done for personal and
professional reasons the most critical
feature that I see about an approval
addiction is a tendency to live from an
external reference point rather than an
internal one and when we can learn to
live more internally reference we become
empowered to own our lives and to take
responsibility for create
the outcomes that we really want so
people who live from an external
reference have a very adaptive sense of
self like a chameleon they morph into
whoever you want them to be they need
others to help them feel good and to to
be able to feel strong in situations
when they make decisions they’re looking
to earn other people’s approval and they
create dependent or co-dependent
relationships up until about six years
ago that was my frame the way that I
viewed my world I worked really hard to
be the same as others from ordering the
same meal when we went to a restaurant
to never being the first to offer an
opinion or state of preference for me
difference equal danger it was risky if
I was different from you then you might
not approve of me what I realized was
that in contrast a person who lives from
an internal reference point they have a
strong and separate sense of self they
rely on themselves to meet their own
needs and their self confident they make
decisions based on their own values and
on the evidence that’s available to them
and they create interdependent
relationships think of someone you
admire the most do they have a sense of
individual agency that they could take
actions and make choices did you notice
an alignment between what they did with
who they were unfettered by others
expectations now of course we all like
to be approved of and some level of
eternal validation is good for us but
when it becomes an addiction the guiding
principle of our life then it becomes
dangerous and the costs become
considerable and we feel them at
personal organizational and even
cultural levels so at the personal level
what is the cost well difference in
failure feel dangerous for purse for
approval addicts
we have dreams and aspirations but it’s
easier to hide and use self-sabotage
strategies we procrastinate we hired and
we let our dreams lie dormant it took me
six months to put up a Facebook page for
my business because what if I put myself
out there and I failed or even worse
what if I succeeded what would people
think how would they judge me then
approval addicts often have
perfectionistic standards as well so we
never allow ourselves to experience
success because no matter how hard and
how well we do it’s not quite good
enough and on those rare occasions when
we unquestionably do succeed we
attribute it to someone or something
else or we just don’t acknowledge it so
we rip ourselves off from getting that
boost that self-confidence to our
self-confidence that feeling success
brings it affects our relationships as
well it’s hard to achieve true intimacy
when we’re not turning up as our
authentic selves but we’re focused
instead on meeting other people’s needs
it’s an exhausting way to live it causes
us to settle for less our creativity and
our brilliance is diluted we turn up a
vanilla version of our true selves in
organizations our leaders and our team
suffer because of an approval addiction
it’s my strong belief that we know that
we lead from who we are not from what we
know we can know the latest theory we
can have learnt from the best leadership
gurus but it’s what we believe about
ourselves that really matters if we’re
motivated by trying to keep others happy
or by earning their approval or through
setting unrealistically high standards
then that will define our leadership and
limit our effectiveness in my work with
coaching clients particularly my women
clients I see a lot of negative outcomes
from procrastination to avoidance of
conflict to reluctance to delegate to
over collaboration and indecisiveness
this causes us to limit the way that we
leadership we are experiencing a global
leadership crisis right now are we and I
wonder what if the leadership talent
that we exist that we need already
exists but people are afraid to put
themselves out there what if that
potential leader we need is you in teams
approval addicts show up as well we’re
often unwilling to speak up when our
boundaries are invaded so we allow
conflict to fester we find it really
hard to say no so we take on more and
more work but end up feeling more and
more resentful eventually burning out we
also don’t like to share new and
untested ideas because what if nobody
likes them but we need those ideas for
creativity and innovation at a cultural
level we’re increasingly experiencing
pressure to conform and to perform and
to meet some externally defined
standards our elevated benchmark serve
brilliant careers supermodel looks
designer houses the latest and greatest
in material and technological
possessions leave most of us feeling
like we just will never make it a recent
study found that sixty-nine percent of
women and sixty-five percent of girls I
experiencing increased pressure too
because of media and advertising to
conform to some unrealistic standard of
beauty and it’s generating this
widespread appearance anxiety and I
don’t think it’s any different for our
boys and young men either without always
on social media culture constantly
bombarding us with messages about how we
should look if we want to be considered
okay it’s a lot to live with and what
about the cost when all our effort and
focus is directed towards meeting these
external measures of success I wonder
what ideas what innovations what
solutions are left undiscovered to some
of our biggest so
your environmental health issues because
we are otherwise occupied so what can we
do can we actually deal with our
approval addiction can we change can we
become more internally referenced well
yes we can how do we do that well it’s
one step at a time first we have to
notice it to peel back the denial stare
it in the eye and acknowledge the extent
to which an approval addiction could be
limiting your life for some of us is not
a major deal it shows up every now and
then but you know we can handle it but
for others of us making this change is a
monumental shift for me it took a crisis
for self-awareness to kick in about six
years ago my perfect looking world came
crumbling down everything that I’d
invested my identity in was under threat
I was married her mother a pasta
financially secure and although
underneath all of that my life was
incredibly challenging I kind of
understood it and I knew how to be in it
and then everything that mattered was
stripped away my marriage was over my
intact family was gone and everything
changed in a moment all of a sudden
everything that I had hidden from
confronted me all those years of not
speaking up of minimizing my hurt and
trying to protect the ones that I love
from experiencing pain confronted me all
at once and in the end I failed
spectacularly are trying to fix somebody
else’s life as we always will and in
protecting my loved ones from pain I was
aware at that time that my mental health
could be at risk and somehow I had to
turn my business from a hobby into a
money-making machine I was also
completing a master’s degree
and then there were the teenagers but
that is another story i felt absolutely
and completely flattened picture a two
dimensional coyote smeared on the
highway head slightly raised gasping for
air and Roadrunner atop a steamroller
sort of smiling and waving as he drives
away beebeep that was me I recognized
that my approval addiction had
contributed to where I was and that that
same way of thinking wasn’t going to
allow me to rebuild in ways that were
healthy for me or my four sons did I
mention they were teenage boys yep it
had to fight it had to change and fast
so I want to share with you three shifts
that I made that were really essential
for me to be able to deal with this way
of thinking the first shift was to
realize that i own my self-esteem
nathaniel branden who’s an expert in
self-esteem says this of all the
judgments that we pass in life none are
more important than the judgment we pass
on ourselves our self-esteem is simply
the way that we judge our worth and it’s
the most important judgment because it
determines who we will be and the way
that we’re going to live our lives like
many I had delegated that responsibility
to other people to determine my worth
and I knew that if I didn’t settle that
question for myself then I would always
be asking it and looking to others to
I came to understand that my self-esteem
was not defined by my performance or my
achievements not by my failures or my
mistakes not by my kindest fans or by my
harshest critics my self-esteem was
defined by my humanity I remember as a
child visiting a country hospital to
welcome a new cousin and there were the
babies all lined up in neat little rows
dressed identically wrapped identically
there were no clues as to their
socioeconomic background how much they
were wanted what their IQ was what kind
of future was ahead of them yet each
possessed amazing intrinsic value just
because they existed that was you once
and that is you now the second shift I
made was to realize that I choose the
voices in my head imagine a commentary
box at a sporting event the commentator
sits in front of this big glass window
which gives them a perfect vantage point
to view to observe to interpret and to
report on what’s happening on the pitch
below and they often not alone there are
experts in there handing out post-it
notes with data and suggestions and
analytics which is all helping to shape
what is reported our brains similar we
have voices in our head and as we
struggle to to interpret and understand
what’s going on in our lives these
voices are often powerfully shaping and
interpreting the meaning that we give to
the events in our life what are the
voices that are speaking loudest in your
head are they empowering ones or are
they disempowering ones what are the
messages they replay over and over again
what will people think who are you to
think you’ve got anything to offer don’t
stand out play it safe how could these
messages be impacting your life like me
you might need to do an inventory and
remove the access pass of some of those
voices
but unlike me you don’t have to wait for
a crisis you can take ownership right
now of the narrative that’s directing
your life and the exciting thing is you
get to create an empowering won the
third shift I made was to become my own
best friend the most important
relationship that I will ever have is
the one that I have with me because it
determines the quality of every other
relationship you will have just like I
would with any important personal
passion I needed to invest time and
energy in my relationship with me when
we’re approval addicts we disconnect
from ourselves so you build that
reconnection by building rapport through
kindness and acceptance and by
reflecting on who you are what are your
dreams what’s important to you learn to
trust and honor your feelings thoughts
and preferences instead of judging them
or subjugating them to the needs of
others the third shift i made i already
talked about that didn’t I was to become
my own best friend at this point I can
hear you say but doesn’t that sound
incredibly selfish I don’t want to live
in all about me kind of life that’s not
what I’m advocating because service is
one of my highest values what I am
suggesting is that you get intentional
about who and how you serve and so that
you can come from a place of choice
rather than compulsion when we come from
compulsion we serve because we feel like
we have to we tell ourselves we have no
choice and we end up feeling resentful
when we come from a place of choice we
think about what are our strengths our
passions and the roles that we’ve chosen
how can they combine so we add the
greatest value and this is the most
empowered way to live well it’s not an
easy or an instant transition this stuff
but it is a critical one if we’re going
to live a fully empowered life
as part of my recovery process I had to
make some really tough decisions and as
a result I experienced all the things
that I feared the most I was judged I
was rejected and I was disapproved of in
spades and people did talk about me
behind my back but the curious thing was
I’m not only survived I eventually
thrived and the new and truer version of
me mu emerged and I’m a better mom
facilitator and coach because of it my
relationships are more authentic and
much richer so no matter what has
happened in your life you are your
greatest asset and you are a gift to the
world don’t let an approval addiction
cause you to squander it I want to leave
you with three quick questions what
would you do if you weren’t afraid who
would you be if you didn’t imagine the
whole world was judging you and what
could you achieve if you really and
truly didn’t care what other people think