hi okay there’s a response that makes a
big difference today I dare to call
myself a Dutch Indian that’s the
identity that I have for myself and I
give myself and I let others give me
however for me to come to this identity
has been interesting it’s been a journey
and it’s been very let’s say full of
lessons it’s been very varied
so I say doctor Indian and that let’s
take the first half of that Dutch when
the first time that I recollect that I
realized how Dutch I am was during one
of my annual family visits to India with
my nuclear family visiting my extended
mother family so I have to also point
out at this point that I was a teenager
so I think a lot of this story has a lot
to do with hormones and being stubborn
and not really caring about the rest of
the world but you can judge that for
yourself so anyway one day I went to the
shopping mall with my cousin who’s about
the same age as I and we were trying on
dresses in the stores and having a good
time and she stepped out of the dressing
room wearing this dress she was so
excited she goes oh my God look at this
dress it’s so cute I love this oh my god
I can’t wait to buy it so she’s really
enthusiastic my reaction was the
complete opposite I was very dry I was
like yeah I don’t know I don’t think
this really this doesn’t suit you it
doesn’t look very nice at all you should
change try something else tried this
dress it looks much better no no but
look at the color look at the frills oh
my god I love it I love how it’s like
this and like that I I really don’t see
it in fact I think the color is really
shabby and it’s making you it’s really
not flattering your figure or anything
you know what just change out of this
we’ll go to another store and we’ll
figure it out like really that’s so
disgusting change out all of a sudden
there’s
silence between us her mood changes she
goes back into the changing room she
changes out of clothes and we walk out
the store and there’s evident
awkwardness between us but I didn’t know
why
and honestly I also didn’t think about
it too much it wasn’t until we met up
with our moms that my mother overheard
my aunt and my cousin speaking and she
pulled me aside she’s like right so when
people ask for your feedback you know
especially on this trip you need to
mince your words even she really didn’t
look nice she looked terrible yes I know
you’re trying to be nice but you just
need to watch what you say it’s not that
easy people are not gonna take it back
the same way I was like yeah but I mean
I wouldn’t let my friend walk out like
that why should I let her listen I know
we’ll get into it later but just for now
just mince your words right like let’s
just be careful or think twice about
what you want to say all right fine no
like I said I’m a teenager so anything
at this point that said to me goes
through one year and completely out the
other that evening were on the dinner
table with with everybody and we’re
discussing our plans for the next day
which we’ve already chalked out all of a
sudden from left right and center we’re
getting recommendations we’re getting
ideas or getting suggestions and these
are not just being told to us they’re
being forced upon us at least that’s
what it felt like for me it was so
overwhelming I couldn’t understand like
what was going on why are we being told
to change our route for the day why are
we told which restaurants we should and
should not eat at and what dishes we
shouldn’t but we how does this even make
sense so I was like wait hold on who on
this table is actually joining us
tomorrow now there are 10 people on the
table and only four people are going my
parents my brother and myself what is
the commotion
again my mom pulls me to the site and
she goes okay it seems overwhelming
everyone’s giving their suggestions I
mean yeah everyone’s giving me their
suggestions and they’re making this
change our plans why do we have to
change our plans which is I get cake
yeah yeah it seems like it it seems like
they’re forcing to do something but
they’re not it’s because they’re not
gonna be there tomorrow and they’re not
physically gonna be there they’re giving
their suggestions so they can still be
part of the plans they’re trying to feel
included they’re showing their affection
yep but it’s not needed yeah it’s not
needed for you but it’s for them just
the same way like how they keep putting
food on your plate even though you
couldn’t have another bite it’s their
way of showing love it’s okay
accept it open up all right so who I am
today is a mix of different cultures
what I do is I talk and I learn about
other cultures and other backgrounds and
I pick and choose what I like and I keep
evolving myself
however those aspects that I don’t
necessarily like so much it doesn’t mean
I close them off I keep asking questions
so that at least for myself I can defend
why I don’t want to take on a certain
part of a culture or a certain part of a
personality why it doesn’t suit me
that’s also really important from that I
can say okay this is Who I am today and
a mix of everything I went to school I
went to an international school and over
there you’re taught not to stereotype
you’re taught not to give labels but
that’s so contrary to how the real world
is and then I really I didn’t know about
this though I didn’t learn about labels
and stereotyping and identities until
much later in my life and I also didn’t
feel the need then to identify my
with a certain culture or country or
religion or background but as I would
learn later I’d forced to do so so I
went to university I went to the
University in in the UK and I was about
17 years old completely lost somewhat
pampered now I mean there’s some people
in this audience that could say that I’m
still pampered but that is a
conversation for another day at that
point I had never even done laundry
without adult supervision I hadn’t
really cooked a proper meal in my life
totally new world – a new experience for
me my flatmates
were amazing they really taught me how
to have adults you know they they they
taught me how to cook how to do laundry
how do i how to clean up myself it was
great so I was learning a lot and I was
having a really good time in my new
environment but I was still feeling
homesick I was missing something I was
missing the familiarity of home until I
bumped into two British Asian girls who
happen to be my neighbor neighbors as
well and sins like the first hello we
completely hit it off it was great and
through them they took me to my first
Bollywood Club nights and I remember I
walked into this club and there was
Bollywood and Bhangra music blazing
through the speakers and I felt totally
in my element I mean I ran straight onto
the dance floor and then you lost me for
the whole night what happened was
subsequently they took me for more and
more socializers where I came across
more people with a similar background in
ethnicity as mine and I was holding
conversation with these people and it
was funny because we all had the same
kind of anecdotes we know when we went
on family vacations we maybe had the
same communication backgrounds with our
with our parents for example and more
interestingly we had similar habits and
habits that I had never really thought
twice about but maybe to someone not
from the same background we’re actually
unusual but amongst ourselves were
totally normal that’s when I realized
oh yeah I’m actually really Indian as
well so who in this Hall is ever judged
someone who’s guilty of judgment come on
guys I know you can do better
anyone who hasn’t put up their hand is
clearly lying because we’ve at least
once in our life judge someone and
that’s okay it’s what we do but what is
a judgment it’s a preconceived idea that
we have of someone a situation or
something so let’s take this
preconceived idea that we have of
someone we think they’re going to be the
certain way because we’ve put them in a
box
we’ve stereotyped them and based on what
perhaps how they look or where they come
from so we think okay this is what you
look like this is what you’re gonna be
that’s how we’re gonna make that
connection why do you put someone in a
box because it’s easier for us to
connect with that person because then we
pretend to understand them we’re not
really making that extra effort to
understand them so my label in
university was an Indian girl with an
American accent but is from Amsterdam
that was my label so actually the truth
is I stuck out when I was in university
it’s how I made most of my friends today
I stick out as well I’m a woman in a
man’s world I’m trying to make a
difference in a community that’s
generally led by a generation above me
I’m a short brown girl in a country full
of very very very tall people so of
course I’m gonna get noticed and that’s
great I want to get noticed
I’m gonna make that work for me so how
do I try and connect to another person
it’s about trying to find out what
common interests do we have or
experiences now two people could have
the same opinion on our topic however
the journey on how they got there is
very different
people are very layered we’re not
one-dimensional we all have our own
saved back story when I moved from the
Netherlands but yeah moved back to the
Netherlands from the UK I came in
contact with a lot of people who had
just moved here from different countries
you know they’d lived in in several
cities you know some of them maybe are
from different backgrounds as well and
what I realized is that they had missing
misconceptions about their new
environment they didn’t understand it
they were complaining so what happens
when you move to a new country from
another one you start comparing about
all the other places that you’ve lived
in and what also at first the qualities
that you don’t like in your new
environments I guarantee you over time
those qualities you start to see the
beauty in them you start liking them and
that’s when you know you’ve found a new
home but that’s also because you’ve
understood why things are the way they
are so like I said when I moved back to
the Netherlands I was in contact with a
lot of people from different backgrounds
just moved here let’s call them whether
they’re expats or immigrants and they
their misconception about the Dutch
culture was that the Dutch are cold
they’re not hospitable if I look around
I see a lot of blank faces you don’t
recognize that of course not so when I
was getting this feedback I started
defending you know the culture I’d be
like no but it’s not what you think it
is and I started explaining why certain
things were done the way they are some
people still look real a bit a little
bit blank to me so now I’ll take a very
concrete example it’s six o’clock and I
go visit 6 o’clock in the evening and I
go visit my Dutch neighbor and I ring on
their doorbell dingdong the door opens
and my neighbor is there they deal with
me just at the door oh there’s a package
up here’s your packet oh you got a
question yep what we’ll talk about it
can I help you with something or you
want to invite me
fine everything is done at the door and
then they’re gonna send me on my way oh
this is resonating with a few people
okay but why is that now to a non Dutch
person and if I take for instance an
Asian person or an Indian person
whatever they say yeah but that’s really
that’s so cold I said no it’s not cold
six o’clock is dinner time you’ve
disturbed dinner time and now they could
invite you in however two things could
happen there are four people that are be
sitting on the dinner table and the
Dutch male is portioned so either
someone needs to give up their meal to
accommodate you or a meal needs to be
cut in half to accommodate the person on
the table who’s already there and
yourself in this situation both parties
are not going to be satisfied so why put
yourself through that inconvenience and
just be practical I don’t have enough
food to offer the person the unexpected
visitor let’s just be practical deal
with them at the door
and when we have a moment we will invite
them but it’s just not now see it’s just
it’s how you look at it an Asian person
could say it’s cold a Dutch person will
say it’s just being practical in the end
you’re both trying to be hospitable so
thing is like you’re a product of your
roots and your life choices so whereas
you don’t need to fit into anyone else’s
box someone else doesn’t need to fit
into the box that you’ve decided once
you hold a conversation with another
individual and you start talking to them
you break the barriers of communication
of culture but also the barriers that
you have in your own mind you start
seeing a beauty in a different culture
you see you start putting yourselves in
someone else’s shoes you step out of
your comfort zone and who knows what you
could learn there’s a beauty around
every corner but it’s up to you
step out and see that beauty thank you
[Applause] [Music]