small children sometimes behave in
stunningly unfair and shocking ways they
scream at the person who’s looking after
them angrily push away a bowl of animal
pasta throw away something you’ve just
fetched for them but we rarely feel
personally agitated or wounded by their
behavior the reason is that we don’t
assign a negative motive to a small
person we reach around for benevolent
interpretations we probably think
they’re getting a bit tired or their
gums are sore or they’re upset by the
arrival of a younger sibling this is the
reverse of what tends to happen around
our lovers where we easily imagine
deliberate slights stupidity and evil
but if we employed the infant model of
interpretation our first assumption
about our partners would be quite
different maybe they did that annoying
or hurtful thing because it didn’t sleep
well last night and are too exhausted to
think straight maybe they’ve got a sore
knee seen from such a point of view
adult behavior doesn’t magically become
nice or acceptable but the level of
offense is kept safely low being
benevolent to one’s partners in a child
doesn’t mean infantilizing them this is
no quarter draw up a chart detailing
when they’re allowed screen time or to
award stars for getting dressed on their
own it means being charitable in
translating the things they say in terms
of their deeper meaning you’re a bastard
might actually mean I feel under siege
at work or you just don’t get it do you
might mean I’m terrified and frustrated
that I can’t explain myself the partner
as child theory insists that it’s not a
unique failing of one’s partner to
discover that they retain a childish
dimension it’s a normal inevitable
feature of all adult existence indeed
you’re the same that’s why some of the
moves we execute with relative ease
around children must forever continue to
be relevant when we’re dealing with
another grown-up of course it’s much
harder being kind around another adult
whose inner child is on display than it
is being with an actual child that’s
because you can see how little and
undeveloped a toddler or five-year-old
is
and so sympathy comes naturally but we
need to look beyond the adult surface of
our partners and imagine the turmoil
disappointment worry and sheer confusion
in people who outwardly appear strong
and grown-up but aren’t so much
we’re so alive to the idea that it’s
patronizing to be thought of as younger
than we are we forget that it’s also at
times the greatest privilege for someone
to look beyond our adult self in order
to engage with and forgive that
disappointed furious inarticulate or wounded little person who resides within
stunningly unfair and shocking ways they
scream at the person who’s looking after
them angrily push away a bowl of animal
pasta throw away something you’ve just
fetched for them but we rarely feel
personally agitated or wounded by their
behavior the reason is that we don’t
assign a negative motive to a small
person we reach around for benevolent
interpretations we probably think
they’re getting a bit tired or their
gums are sore or they’re upset by the
arrival of a younger sibling this is the
reverse of what tends to happen around
our lovers where we easily imagine
deliberate slights stupidity and evil
but if we employed the infant model of
interpretation our first assumption
about our partners would be quite
different maybe they did that annoying
or hurtful thing because it didn’t sleep
well last night and are too exhausted to
think straight maybe they’ve got a sore
knee seen from such a point of view
adult behavior doesn’t magically become
nice or acceptable but the level of
offense is kept safely low being
benevolent to one’s partners in a child
doesn’t mean infantilizing them this is
no quarter draw up a chart detailing
when they’re allowed screen time or to
award stars for getting dressed on their
own it means being charitable in
translating the things they say in terms
of their deeper meaning you’re a bastard
might actually mean I feel under siege
at work or you just don’t get it do you
might mean I’m terrified and frustrated
that I can’t explain myself the partner
as child theory insists that it’s not a
unique failing of one’s partner to
discover that they retain a childish
dimension it’s a normal inevitable
feature of all adult existence indeed
you’re the same that’s why some of the
moves we execute with relative ease
around children must forever continue to
be relevant when we’re dealing with
another grown-up of course it’s much
harder being kind around another adult
whose inner child is on display than it
is being with an actual child that’s
because you can see how little and
undeveloped a toddler or five-year-old
is
and so sympathy comes naturally but we
need to look beyond the adult surface of
our partners and imagine the turmoil
disappointment worry and sheer confusion
in people who outwardly appear strong
and grown-up but aren’t so much
we’re so alive to the idea that it’s
patronizing to be thought of as younger
than we are we forget that it’s also at
times the greatest privilege for someone
to look beyond our adult self in order
to engage with and forgive that
disappointed furious inarticulate or wounded little person who resides within
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