One of the most pleasant and exciting parts in the beginning of a relationship is
the feeling that our loved one not only likes us for our clear qualities – perhaps our appearance
Or our professional performance – but also, and much more agitated, our less
impressive aspects: our vulnerabilities, our doubts, our faults. It may be right
the slit between our teeth, even though this might not be an indication for the dentist,
that she charms. Or maybe our embarrassment at busy parties is just endearing or maybe
is it even those old pajamas with bearsprint that we put on cold
even though we do not win a fashion prize with it. This creates an enchanting prospect
what love can be – but it is also one that presents a catastrophic and unfair expectation:
the belief that someone really loves means that you have to support every aspect of that person,
their good sides, but also, their flaws. This fine prospect survives
maybe a few months in a relationship, but eventually something will disturb it. We will
notice something about our beloved which is a defect and not very charming either. Perhaps
It is the rough way they eat breakfast or their habit of not hanging the towel or their
maddening tendency to conceal important bad news. But by faith
that love means full support, it is plausible that a partner feels hurt.
What is the place of feedback in the sanctuary of love? ‘If you really
loved me, you would not criticize ‘can be a familiar answer.
This aversion to learning from a loved one is so omnipresent that we forget
how weird it actually is. It is only an approach to love and not necessarily the wisest.
For an approach that adds more we can look at the ancient Greeks, they had a striking
other philosophy about feedback in love. For the ancient Greeks, love is not one
emotion completely focused on the partner as a whole. Well understood it is one
specific feeling that responds to that which is perfect, virtuoso and intelligent.
About the other less impressive things, one must be tolerant and understanding
of course – but no love is expected. The word love is limited to a certain one
kind of admiration for perfection. In addition, there is a feeling among the ancient Greeks
the point of a relationship is to foster a dialogue in which two people can help each other
to increase the number of admirable properties: it helps them to get the best version
to be able to become of themselves. The ancient Greeks held a fundamental pedagogical view of love;
they understood that a relationship brought us close to another’s flaws
and potency – and they therefore believed that both partners take turns playing their part
teacher and student to fulfill – so they each try to make the other person a better person
within the safe environment of the class of love. This probably sounds
weird for contemporary concepts. The idea that the point of love is to be the beloved
to learn to become a better person, and that is why we do
give long lectures about how a partner can improve their character
sounds like a terrible, dictatorial betrayal of what love is. But in truth
there is a lot of wisdom in the ideas of the ancient Greeks – because we can have many problems
people who experience in a relationship see as failed learning moments, moments
who, as a partner, tries to convey something, perhaps a good point,
is rejected in a cool or bitter way. The reason why these lessons
that we want to convey from love is so bad that we are on everyone’s turn
bad teachers and bad students. And part of the reason is that we,
in the role as a teacher, not having a real feeling that we can even teach someone something, which makes us panic.
What helps us to be a good teacher is a calm feeling
that it does not matter if the lesson is eventually learned.
A good math teacher wants to transfer the basis of trigonometry to the class, but as
those who are stupid can keep them quiet; there will be another class next year.
But the class of love makes us much more nervous, because in our mind
if we want to make a point is a thought that makes us panic: that we
maybe fallen in love with an idiot who will continue to make the same mistakes
for as long as the relationship lasts. Because of this thought, we will sweat and belittle and we scold
on our beloved. This is understandable but very unfortunate, because it seems no one
has ever learned something by being humbled. By the time the partner is
the lesson is already over. So it seems that a good relationship is one
dialogue in which we can learn each other many things and also learn from each other. If we
understanding ourselves, we know that there are many places where we can improve ourselves.
That is why we must learn to see love a bit as the ancient Greeks did:
as a safe arena in which two people can learn things softly and themselves better people
could be. Learning and learning is not symbolic of leaving love behind;
it is precisely the foundation on which we can build in order to become better partners and, in general, better people.
the feeling that our loved one not only likes us for our clear qualities – perhaps our appearance
Or our professional performance – but also, and much more agitated, our less
impressive aspects: our vulnerabilities, our doubts, our faults. It may be right
the slit between our teeth, even though this might not be an indication for the dentist,
that she charms. Or maybe our embarrassment at busy parties is just endearing or maybe
is it even those old pajamas with bearsprint that we put on cold
even though we do not win a fashion prize with it. This creates an enchanting prospect
what love can be – but it is also one that presents a catastrophic and unfair expectation:
the belief that someone really loves means that you have to support every aspect of that person,
their good sides, but also, their flaws. This fine prospect survives
maybe a few months in a relationship, but eventually something will disturb it. We will
notice something about our beloved which is a defect and not very charming either. Perhaps
It is the rough way they eat breakfast or their habit of not hanging the towel or their
maddening tendency to conceal important bad news. But by faith
that love means full support, it is plausible that a partner feels hurt.
What is the place of feedback in the sanctuary of love? ‘If you really
loved me, you would not criticize ‘can be a familiar answer.
This aversion to learning from a loved one is so omnipresent that we forget
how weird it actually is. It is only an approach to love and not necessarily the wisest.
For an approach that adds more we can look at the ancient Greeks, they had a striking
other philosophy about feedback in love. For the ancient Greeks, love is not one
emotion completely focused on the partner as a whole. Well understood it is one
specific feeling that responds to that which is perfect, virtuoso and intelligent.
About the other less impressive things, one must be tolerant and understanding
of course – but no love is expected. The word love is limited to a certain one
kind of admiration for perfection. In addition, there is a feeling among the ancient Greeks
the point of a relationship is to foster a dialogue in which two people can help each other
to increase the number of admirable properties: it helps them to get the best version
to be able to become of themselves. The ancient Greeks held a fundamental pedagogical view of love;
they understood that a relationship brought us close to another’s flaws
and potency – and they therefore believed that both partners take turns playing their part
teacher and student to fulfill – so they each try to make the other person a better person
within the safe environment of the class of love. This probably sounds
weird for contemporary concepts. The idea that the point of love is to be the beloved
to learn to become a better person, and that is why we do
give long lectures about how a partner can improve their character
sounds like a terrible, dictatorial betrayal of what love is. But in truth
there is a lot of wisdom in the ideas of the ancient Greeks – because we can have many problems
people who experience in a relationship see as failed learning moments, moments
who, as a partner, tries to convey something, perhaps a good point,
is rejected in a cool or bitter way. The reason why these lessons
that we want to convey from love is so bad that we are on everyone’s turn
bad teachers and bad students. And part of the reason is that we,
in the role as a teacher, not having a real feeling that we can even teach someone something, which makes us panic.
What helps us to be a good teacher is a calm feeling
that it does not matter if the lesson is eventually learned.
A good math teacher wants to transfer the basis of trigonometry to the class, but as
those who are stupid can keep them quiet; there will be another class next year.
But the class of love makes us much more nervous, because in our mind
if we want to make a point is a thought that makes us panic: that we
maybe fallen in love with an idiot who will continue to make the same mistakes
for as long as the relationship lasts. Because of this thought, we will sweat and belittle and we scold
on our beloved. This is understandable but very unfortunate, because it seems no one
has ever learned something by being humbled. By the time the partner is
the lesson is already over. So it seems that a good relationship is one
dialogue in which we can learn each other many things and also learn from each other. If we
understanding ourselves, we know that there are many places where we can improve ourselves.
That is why we must learn to see love a bit as the ancient Greeks did:
as a safe arena in which two people can learn things softly and themselves better people
could be. Learning and learning is not symbolic of leaving love behind;
it is precisely the foundation on which we can build in order to become better partners and, in general, better people.
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