it can seem a highly trivial subject to
get so upset about being rightly no more
significant than who should open the
door first or open a new jam jar first
and yet
judging from the heartache it tends to
generate it appears to matter very much
indeed it’s at the root of many affairs
it is the catalyst for vicious arguments
and bitterness the long-term future of
small children can be decided by it and
couples routinely end up in therapy or
more often the divorce courts because of
it at the heart of the drama are all the
complexities involved when late at night
in the darkness one person’s hand moves
over to tentatively touch the others
body in a way that signals a desire to
initiate either sex or a cuddle and
nothing much happens in return this move
ends up being so much more fraught than
one might imagine because it has so
little to do with making love it is
about knowing that we are wanted the
willingness to initiate sex can appear
like the litmus test of whether one is
appreciated within the relationship as a
whole and therefore whether a couple
remains a going concern or not for one
person never to initiate or else merely
to respond half-heartedly to caresses is
tantamount to declaring that they cannot
possibly love the person they are with
in truth a lack of initiation or
response can mean many things it may add
points simply be a sign of exhaustion
after a long day of childcare or work at
the office sometimes an untouched hand
is just an untouched hand the real
problem in the ambiguous darkness of the
bedroom is not a lack of reciprocation
per se it is the way that that ambiguity
is interpreted the way that assumptions
are formed without discussion and grave
offenses taken without the topic having
first been aired beneath this lies a
more pernicious problem still
game unreciprocated touch becomes
properly dangerous when it comes into
contact with a high degree of self
suspicion or self-hatred on the part of
the person who was dared to slide their
hand across what might merely have been
charged an innocent or temporary lack of
enthusiasm comes to be taken silently
and automatically as evidence of
something far more catastrophic proof
that the other person finds us
disgusting
ideally if we all loved ourselves enough
we would know better what to do when we
move to hand across and didn’t get much
in return we would address the matter
within the couple through calm and
kindly discussion and try to determine
what is at stake
if the evidence pointed squarely to an
enduring lack of interest or emotional
capacity we would leave after all
there’s nothing wrong with ending up
sharing a bed with an emotionally or
physically withholding partner there is
something very wrong or at least very
unfortunate with sticking around once
one knows this is the case but these are
not the options open to us when we feel
overly ashamed or unresponsive partners
reinforce pre-existing feelings of
unacceptability that render us bitter
mute and fragile a history of not
knowing how to value ourselves makes it
extremely difficult for us to complain
effectively about unfortunate treatment
let alone leave in order to seek warmer
lover’s elsewhere as self-hating lovers
we cannot say with the requisite calm
and strategic patience that we feel
rejected that we need to be understood
and that we’re looking for change we
will either say nothing at all and might
have an affair or us explode into a rage
that guarantees our message won’t be
heard in the tensions around
unreciprocated touch in the bedroom we
catch sight of a more general problem in
love the difficulties created when we
aren’t able to ask for what we want in a
relationship when we suffer
a sense that we don’t deserve to be
happy and cannot handle frustration or
respond to our misery adequately we
should not leave the untouched hand for
too long in the darkness we should dare
to switch on the light express our pain
and consider our options without shame
our pillow-talk cards help prompt us to
share our intimate desires to find out more follow the link on your screen now
get so upset about being rightly no more
significant than who should open the
door first or open a new jam jar first
and yet
judging from the heartache it tends to
generate it appears to matter very much
indeed it’s at the root of many affairs
it is the catalyst for vicious arguments
and bitterness the long-term future of
small children can be decided by it and
couples routinely end up in therapy or
more often the divorce courts because of
it at the heart of the drama are all the
complexities involved when late at night
in the darkness one person’s hand moves
over to tentatively touch the others
body in a way that signals a desire to
initiate either sex or a cuddle and
nothing much happens in return this move
ends up being so much more fraught than
one might imagine because it has so
little to do with making love it is
about knowing that we are wanted the
willingness to initiate sex can appear
like the litmus test of whether one is
appreciated within the relationship as a
whole and therefore whether a couple
remains a going concern or not for one
person never to initiate or else merely
to respond half-heartedly to caresses is
tantamount to declaring that they cannot
possibly love the person they are with
in truth a lack of initiation or
response can mean many things it may add
points simply be a sign of exhaustion
after a long day of childcare or work at
the office sometimes an untouched hand
is just an untouched hand the real
problem in the ambiguous darkness of the
bedroom is not a lack of reciprocation
per se it is the way that that ambiguity
is interpreted the way that assumptions
are formed without discussion and grave
offenses taken without the topic having
first been aired beneath this lies a
more pernicious problem still
game unreciprocated touch becomes
properly dangerous when it comes into
contact with a high degree of self
suspicion or self-hatred on the part of
the person who was dared to slide their
hand across what might merely have been
charged an innocent or temporary lack of
enthusiasm comes to be taken silently
and automatically as evidence of
something far more catastrophic proof
that the other person finds us
disgusting
ideally if we all loved ourselves enough
we would know better what to do when we
move to hand across and didn’t get much
in return we would address the matter
within the couple through calm and
kindly discussion and try to determine
what is at stake
if the evidence pointed squarely to an
enduring lack of interest or emotional
capacity we would leave after all
there’s nothing wrong with ending up
sharing a bed with an emotionally or
physically withholding partner there is
something very wrong or at least very
unfortunate with sticking around once
one knows this is the case but these are
not the options open to us when we feel
overly ashamed or unresponsive partners
reinforce pre-existing feelings of
unacceptability that render us bitter
mute and fragile a history of not
knowing how to value ourselves makes it
extremely difficult for us to complain
effectively about unfortunate treatment
let alone leave in order to seek warmer
lover’s elsewhere as self-hating lovers
we cannot say with the requisite calm
and strategic patience that we feel
rejected that we need to be understood
and that we’re looking for change we
will either say nothing at all and might
have an affair or us explode into a rage
that guarantees our message won’t be
heard in the tensions around
unreciprocated touch in the bedroom we
catch sight of a more general problem in
love the difficulties created when we
aren’t able to ask for what we want in a
relationship when we suffer
a sense that we don’t deserve to be
happy and cannot handle frustration or
respond to our misery adequately we
should not leave the untouched hand for
too long in the darkness we should dare
to switch on the light express our pain
and consider our options without shame
our pillow-talk cards help prompt us to
share our intimate desires to find out more follow the link on your screen now
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