a lot of discomfort about going to
social engagements is rooted in what can
sound like a rather high-minded concern
a hatred of small talk we can develop a
dread of parties because we know how
likely we are to end up wedged into
conversations about the weather parking
traffic or the way we plan to spend the
forthcoming holidays when there would be
so many deeper and more dignified topics
to address the future of humanity the
fate of the nation or The Melancholy
state of our own hearts
we’ve resent parties for holding up an
ideal of community and dialogue while
trapping us in unproductive and
insincere banter for making us more
lonely than we ever would be in our own
homes but we are perhaps
misunderstanding what small talk is for
what it could be in our hands and how we
might gently find an exit from it’s more
airless corners small talk exists for a
noble reason it is designed to prevent
hurt it provides us with a rich source
of information so that we can safely
ascertain the frame of mind of our
interlocutor and therefore gauge what
more in-depth topic of conversation
might safely be broached the German
philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer once
darkly reminded us that we should always
remember when meeting new people that
they might be only a few steps away from
wanting to grab the nearest weapon and
end their own lives a few moments of
small talk gives us the signals we need
to find out who we have on our hands it
lends us time to circle intimacy from on
high before determining where we might
wish to land furthermore a rigid hatred
of small talk overlooks that it isn’t
ever the subject matter per se that
determines the profundity of a
conversation there are ways of talking
about death that are trivial and ways of
addressing the weather that feel
significant a truly deep mind can
exercise itself as much on the game of a
child as on the puzzles of philosophy
and it is unfortunate snobbery to
discount a topic merely because it’s
never featured in erudite academic
curricula we should take inspiration
from how many great art
wrists have based their work around what
were at heart versions of small talk in
the early 1820s the English artist John
Constable painted fifty studies of the
clouds above Hampstead Heath in London
finding extraordinary beauty and
complexity in the ever-changing quiet
aerial drama above him with no less
open-mindedness at the end of the 19th
century the French artist Paul Susanne
paid close attention to the very beauty
of apples painting dozens of studies of
these modest snacks laid out in bowls
and on side boards Buddhism teaches us
that to those gifted enough to see
properly the whole world can be found in
a single grain of sand we should
perceive no insult in a call to glimpse
the grandest themes through the lens of
small talk the skilled conversationalist
doesn’t insist that atmospheric or
traffic conditions or where a person has
been at the seaside are inherently
unworthy of discussion they know that
what a person feels about a cloudy
afternoon might be a highway to their
soul or that their experiences around
parking might provide clues as to their
attitudes to Authority or their
relations with their parents they’re not
put off by having to work with humble
matter they are deft enough to use
whatever is to hand the fear of small
talk reflects a worry hugely
understandable and with roots in
childhood experience that we will be
unable to influence the flow of a
conversation by ourselves that we will
become the victims of the obsessions or
pettiness of others and that
conversation is fundamentally a natural
organic occurrence which happens to us
but cannot be created or shaped by us it
may at points be very engaging at others
hugely frustrating but the outcome is
not ours to determine we can feel that
when a person says something we must
invariably respond in a similar way an
anecdote about a golf tournament needs
to be followed by another if someone has
a story about a booking confusion at a
hotel the other must chip in with a
corollary but in truth we
far more conversational agency than this
implies it’s almost always in our power
to raise more intimate or profound
follow-up questions and we can do so
with the confidence that few of us are
ever committed to remaining on the
surface we just don’t know how to
descend to the depths an individual who
is currently talking at puzzling lengths
about an airline meal has also
inevitably been disappointed in love had
bouts of despair tried to make sense of
a difficult parent felt confused about
their direction and will be longing at
some level therefore to stop talking
about cheese crackers and share the
contents of their heart the confident
conversationalist does not take fright
at small talk and others occasionally
apparently firm attachment to it they
know that the small themes need only
ever be the first understandable and
never insulting steps towards the
sincerity and intimacy all of us crave
at heart
our Table Talk place cards are designed
specifically to help spark meaningful
and revealing conversations for more
information on exactly how they do this
including example cards click the link on-screen now
social engagements is rooted in what can
sound like a rather high-minded concern
a hatred of small talk we can develop a
dread of parties because we know how
likely we are to end up wedged into
conversations about the weather parking
traffic or the way we plan to spend the
forthcoming holidays when there would be
so many deeper and more dignified topics
to address the future of humanity the
fate of the nation or The Melancholy
state of our own hearts
we’ve resent parties for holding up an
ideal of community and dialogue while
trapping us in unproductive and
insincere banter for making us more
lonely than we ever would be in our own
homes but we are perhaps
misunderstanding what small talk is for
what it could be in our hands and how we
might gently find an exit from it’s more
airless corners small talk exists for a
noble reason it is designed to prevent
hurt it provides us with a rich source
of information so that we can safely
ascertain the frame of mind of our
interlocutor and therefore gauge what
more in-depth topic of conversation
might safely be broached the German
philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer once
darkly reminded us that we should always
remember when meeting new people that
they might be only a few steps away from
wanting to grab the nearest weapon and
end their own lives a few moments of
small talk gives us the signals we need
to find out who we have on our hands it
lends us time to circle intimacy from on
high before determining where we might
wish to land furthermore a rigid hatred
of small talk overlooks that it isn’t
ever the subject matter per se that
determines the profundity of a
conversation there are ways of talking
about death that are trivial and ways of
addressing the weather that feel
significant a truly deep mind can
exercise itself as much on the game of a
child as on the puzzles of philosophy
and it is unfortunate snobbery to
discount a topic merely because it’s
never featured in erudite academic
curricula we should take inspiration
from how many great art
wrists have based their work around what
were at heart versions of small talk in
the early 1820s the English artist John
Constable painted fifty studies of the
clouds above Hampstead Heath in London
finding extraordinary beauty and
complexity in the ever-changing quiet
aerial drama above him with no less
open-mindedness at the end of the 19th
century the French artist Paul Susanne
paid close attention to the very beauty
of apples painting dozens of studies of
these modest snacks laid out in bowls
and on side boards Buddhism teaches us
that to those gifted enough to see
properly the whole world can be found in
a single grain of sand we should
perceive no insult in a call to glimpse
the grandest themes through the lens of
small talk the skilled conversationalist
doesn’t insist that atmospheric or
traffic conditions or where a person has
been at the seaside are inherently
unworthy of discussion they know that
what a person feels about a cloudy
afternoon might be a highway to their
soul or that their experiences around
parking might provide clues as to their
attitudes to Authority or their
relations with their parents they’re not
put off by having to work with humble
matter they are deft enough to use
whatever is to hand the fear of small
talk reflects a worry hugely
understandable and with roots in
childhood experience that we will be
unable to influence the flow of a
conversation by ourselves that we will
become the victims of the obsessions or
pettiness of others and that
conversation is fundamentally a natural
organic occurrence which happens to us
but cannot be created or shaped by us it
may at points be very engaging at others
hugely frustrating but the outcome is
not ours to determine we can feel that
when a person says something we must
invariably respond in a similar way an
anecdote about a golf tournament needs
to be followed by another if someone has
a story about a booking confusion at a
hotel the other must chip in with a
corollary but in truth we
far more conversational agency than this
implies it’s almost always in our power
to raise more intimate or profound
follow-up questions and we can do so
with the confidence that few of us are
ever committed to remaining on the
surface we just don’t know how to
descend to the depths an individual who
is currently talking at puzzling lengths
about an airline meal has also
inevitably been disappointed in love had
bouts of despair tried to make sense of
a difficult parent felt confused about
their direction and will be longing at
some level therefore to stop talking
about cheese crackers and share the
contents of their heart the confident
conversationalist does not take fright
at small talk and others occasionally
apparently firm attachment to it they
know that the small themes need only
ever be the first understandable and
never insulting steps towards the
sincerity and intimacy all of us crave
at heart
our Table Talk place cards are designed
specifically to help spark meaningful
and revealing conversations for more
information on exactly how they do this
including example cards click the link on-screen now
Please follow and like us: