What Infidelity Means

infidelity is commonly interpreted as
close to the greatest tragedy that could
befall any relationship and as the
natural inevitable prelude to the
breakup of a union it’s viewed in such
dark terms because under the philosophy
of Romanticism which has dominated our
understanding of love since the middle
of the 18th century sex is understood to
be not principally a physical act but
the summation and central symbol of love
before romanticism people had sex and
fell in love but they did not always see
these two acts as inextricably linked
one might love someone and not sleep
with them or sleep with them and not
love them it was this dislocation that
romanticism refused to countenance sex
was simply the crowning moment of love
the superlative way of expressing one’s
devotion to someone the ultimate proof
of one sincerity what is philosophy
unwittingly accomplished was to turn
infidelity from a problem into a
catastrophe never again could sex be
viewed as in any way divorced from
intense emotion and a profound desire
for commitment it was no longer possible
to say that sex meant nothing in the
sense of being a joyful kind but
emotionally empty act devoid of any
desire to care for or live with a new
person in the long term and in no way
indicative of any drop in affection for
the established partner there are of
course many cases where infidelity means
exactly what romanticism takes it to
mean contempt for one’s relationship but
in a great many other cases it may mean
something really rather different a
passing surface desire for erotic
excitement that coexists with an ongoing
sincere commitment to one’s life partner
our culture makes this thought close to
impossible and so getting over an
infidelity by which is meant learning to
see that the unfaithful act might not
mean what romanticism tells us it means
has become a challenge of heroic
proportions and most of the time a brute
impossibility however much an unfaithful
partner
they patiently explained that it meant
nothing the idea seems entirely
implausible how could sex the summation
of love ever mean anything less than
pretty much everything there may be one
potential way out of the impasse a frank
examination of the recesses of one’s own
mind and perhaps an honest recall a
certain moments of past personal
experience what this brave investigation
is likely to throw up is evidence that
one is strangely capable of something in
the circumstances really rather
surprising caring deeply for someone and
yet entertaining or masterminding a
sexual scenario involving somebody else
however much the thought seems
unbelievable when we hear it from the
mouth of a straying partner it does
appear that it is in some ways really
rather possible to think of screwing one
person and loving another the best way
to recover after an infidelity may
therefore be to ignore what romanticism
tells us that infidelity has to mean and
to consult instead a more reliable
source of information what we ourselves
took infidelity to mean the last time
the idea crossed through our minds or
our lives it’s on this basis that we may
with considerable pain of course come
one day to be able to forgive and even
in a way understand and accept the
apologies of a repentant partner it’s on
a basis of subjective experience of
unfaithful thoughts that we may
redemptive ly enrich complicate and
soften what happens when we end up as
their victims at the school of life we
believe in developing emotional
intelligence
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