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The Danger of Being Too Polite in Love


it’s natural to imagine that the highest
virtue in love would be kindness and a
close second politeness but there is an
odd danger lurking in the relationship
where we are both fairly polite where
there is not enough directness where
things go wrong not because of a lack of
tenderness or serenity but because the
stifling excess of manners because there
aren’t enough raised voices insults
legitimate Furies and moments where both
partners feel free to call each other
idiots and much worse when we hear
arguments between lovers
perhaps through a hotel bedroom wall
it’s easy to fear for them and their
leave we have most of us deeply and
rightly sensitized to the horrors of
abusive relationships but there is
within reason and we stress within
reason with grave seriousness there is
something extremely vital and redemptive
that can unfold within the occasional
heated discussion living around someone
is bound to be at points extremely
disappointing for love to remain vital
we need the freedom to give this
disappointment expression
it seems we cannot love if love is all
we’re allowed to do many of us have
implicitly been taught in childhood the
disappointments are best swallowed
quietly perhaps a parent was very
fragile or they were very volatile so
that we feared either annihilating them
or provoking them unbearably by giving
vent to our more honest and troubling
feelings they grew up polite and good
but also in danger of feeling inwardly
dead and convinced that no one could
witness us as we are and still love us a
certain kind of politeness is the enemy
of love we cannot love or be properly in
a relationship that feels alive and
simply lock away too many of our
reservations we need for love to be
first and foremost real and this will
involve giving expression to all kinds
of more ambivalent feelings in most
arenas of life mere politeness will do
there should be little else around
friends
and colleagues but love need something
riskier we have to be able to say that
we hate them and we hate so that later
we can properly love when it’s time to
love this is why in the interests of a
relationship we might need to tell the
partner that they’ve ruined our life
that they’re selfish and infuriating and
that we’ve had more than enough and a
partner far from getting simply offended
though that has its role too they should
take it and read the explosion for what
it is
homage to a trust and bond between us
but a red faced accuser would never
speak like this to anyone else on earth
should be interpreted as the greatest
privilege they don’t just hate you
though they do at the moment they have a
lot of Hope in you and a lot of faith
that you love them enough to take their
reality and when it’s all blown over
their love will be as sincere as their
anger once was
we should get angry when the occasion
fairly demands it we the overly meek and
coward ones should experience how good
and necessary it feels to dare to let go
and vent our annoyance and irritation
without the usual huge and sometimes
valuable inhibitions we should not be
overly scared of the odd loud argument
we should form our irritations into some
beautifully creative insults it’s not a
sign that everything is coming to an end
and love has died it’s a sign that our
relationship still has a lot of kindness
sincerity and tolerance left within it
love is a skill that we can learn our
relationships book calmly guides us with
calm and charm through the key issues of
relationships to ensure that success in
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