The Art of Diplomacy

we tend to associate the word diplomacy
with embassies international relations
and high politics but it really refers
to a set of skills that matter in many
areas of daily life especially at the
office and on the landing outside of the
slammed doors of loved ones bedrooms
diplomacy is the art of advancing at an
idea or cause without unnecessarily in
flaming passions or unleashing a
catastrophe it involves an understanding
of the many facets of human nature that
can undermine agreement and stoke
conflict and a commitment to unpicking
these with foresight and grace the
diplomat remembers first and foremost
that some of the vehemence with which we
can insist on having our way draws
energy from an overall sense of not
being respected or heard within a
relationship we will fight with
particular tenacity and apparent
meanness over a so-called small thing
when we have the sense that the other
person has failed to honor our wider
need for appreciation and esteem behind
our fierce way of arguing may lie a
frustrated plea for affection diplomats
know the intensity with which humans
crave respect and so though they may not
always be able to agree with us they
take the trouble to show that they have
bothered to see how things look through
our eyes they recognize that it’s almost
as important to people to feel heard as
to win their case will put up with a lot
once someone has demonstrated that they
at least know how we feel diplomats
therefore put extraordinary effort into
securing the health of the overall
relationship so that smaller points can
be conceded along the way without
attracting feelings of untenable
humiliation they know how much beneath
pitched fights over money or
entitlements schedules or procedures a
demand for esteem can stir they are
careful to trade generously in emotional
currency so is not always to have to pay
excessively in other more practical
denominations frequently what’s at stake
within a negotiation with someone is a
request that they change in some way
that they learn to be more punctual or
take more trouble on a task that they’d
be less defensive or more open-minded
the diplomat knows how futile it is to
state these wishes to directly they know
the vast difference between having a
correct diagnosis of how someone needs
to grow and a relevant way to help them
actually do so they know – that what
holds people back from evolution is fear
and therefore grasp that what we may
most need to offer those whom we want to
acknowledge difficult things is above
anything else love and reassurance it
helps greatly to know that those
recommending change are not speaking
from a position of impregnable
perfection but are themselves wrestling
with comparable demons in other areas
for a diagnosis not to sound like mere
criticism it helps for it to be
delivered by someone with no
compunctions to owning up to their own
shortcomings there can be few more
successful pedagogics than to confess
gee nearly from the outset and I am of
course entirely mad as well in
negotiations a diplomat is not addicted
to indiscriminate or heroic
truth-telling
they appreciate the legitimate place
that minor lies can occupy in the
surface of Greater truths they know that
if certain local facts are emphasized
than the most important principles in a
relationship maybe forever undermined so
they will enthusiastically say that the
financial report or the homemade cake
were really very pleasing and will do so
not to deceive but to affirm the truth
of their overall attachment which might
be lost or a completely accurate account
of their feelings to be laid out
diplomats know that a small lie may have
to be the guardian of a big truth they
appreciate their own resistance to the
unvarnished facts
and privately hope that others may on
occasion over certain matters also take
the trouble to lie to them and that they
will never realize another trait of the
diplomat is to be serene in the face of
obviously bad behavior a sudden loss of
temper a wild accusation a very mean
remark they don’t take it personally
even when they may be the target of rage
they reach instinctively for reasonable
explanations and have clearly in their
minds the better moments of a currently
frantic but essentially lovable person
they know themselves well enough to
understand that abandonments of
perspective are both hugely normal and
usually indicative of nothing much
beyond exhaust journal passing despair
they don’t aggravate a febrile situation
through self-righteousness which is a
symptom of not knowing oneself too well
and of having a very selective memory
the person who bangs a fist on the table
or announces extravagant opinions may
simply be rather worried frightened or
just very enthusiastic conditions that
should rightly invite sympathy rather
than disgust at the same time the
diplomat understands that there are
moments to sidestep direct engagement
they don’t try to teach a lesson
whenever it might first almost apply
they wait until it has the best chance
of being heard at points they disarm
difficult people by reacting in
unexpected ways in the face of a tirade
instead of going on the defensive the
diplomatic person might suggest some
lunch when a harshly unfair criticism is
launched at them they might nod in
partial agreement and declare that
they’ve often said such things
themselves they give a lot of ground
away and avoid getting cornered in
arguments that distract from the deeper
issues they remember the presence of a
better version of what might be a
somewhat unfortunate individual
currently on display the diplomats tone
of reasonableness is built fundamentally
on a base of deep pessimism they know
what the human animal is they understand
how many
problems are going to beset even a very
good marriage business friendship or
society they’re good humoured way of
greeting problems is a symptom of having
swallowed a healthy measure of sadness
from the outset they’ve given up on the
ideal not out of weakness but out of
amateur readiness to seek compromise as
a necessary requirement for getting by
in a radically imperfect world the
diplomat may be polite but they’re not
for that matter averse to sometimes
delivering bits of bad news with
uncommon frankness too often we seek to
preserve our image in the eyes of others
by tiptoeing around the harsh decisions
and thereby make things far worse than
they need to be we should say that we’re
leaving them that they’re fired that
their pet project isn’t going ahead but
we mutter instead that we’re a little
preoccupied at the moment that we’re
delighted by their performance and that
the project is being actively discussed
by the senior team we mistake leaving
some room for hope with kindness but
true kindness does not mean seeming kind
it means helping the people we’re going
to disappoint to adjust as best they can
to reality by administering a sharp
clean blow the diplomatic person kills
off the torture of hope
accepting the frustration that’s likely
to come their way the diplomat is kind
enough to let themselves be the target
of hate the diplomats succeed ultimately
because they are a realist they know
that we are inherently flawed
unreasonable anxious comedic ly absurd
creatures who scatter blame unfairly
misdiagnosed their pains and react
appalling ly to criticisms especially
when it’s accurate and yet diplomats are
hopeful too of the possibilities of
progress when our disturbances have been
properly factored in and cushioned with
adequate reassurance diplomacy
seeks to teachers how many good things
can still be accomplished when we make
some necessary accommodations with a
crooked sometimes touching and hugely
if you’re interested in coming to San
Francisco to meet us at the end of March
please click on the link on the screen
now to find out more we hope to see you there