there are couples that seem never to
argue their relationships are marked by
enormous outward politeness they say
thank you a lot they make each other
cups of tea they can look rather
horrified when there’s a mention of a
squabble in someone else’s life it’s
understandable if they’re privately a
little pleased with themselves but
surface harmony isn’t in reality any
reliable sign of health in love because
it’s impossible to try to merge two
lives without regularly encountering
deep sources of incompatibility a lack
of arguments is more likely to be a sign
that we’ve given up caring than a
superhuman achievement of maturity the
goal isn’t therefore to do away with
arguments but to find our way towards
their more fruitful variety we need to
learn to argue well rather than not
argue at all what then are some of the
ideas that might help us to have better
arguments the single greatest idea that
can help us to argue more constructively
is to remind ourselves publicly that we
are both of us by nature deeply
imperfect and it points quite plainly
mad the enemy of mature arguments is
self-righteousness the sense that we
might be beyond fault and that our
partner must either be weekly basis
mistake or unfairly critical in alleging
that we have been guilty of one it is of
immense benefit if relationships can be
conducted under the assumed truth that
both participants are idiotic or
mentally wobbly quite flawed in manifold
ways and so constantly in need of
forgiveness it is an implicit faith in
our own perfection that turns us into
monsters people concede points not when
they are aggressively told they’re wrong
but when they feel loved we get stubborn
and withhold the truth when we’re scared
and suspected the person challenging us
hates us means us harm can never forgive
us and is perhaps about to leave us it
is indispensable to preface every
criticism with an assurance of ongoing
love people change very slowly and
seldom when they are harassed into
doing so we must strive not to be
desperate for change in our partners we
must make our peace with the idea that
they won’t evolve as we would wish on
the timescale that would suit us we
should be rather pessimistic about human
nature in order to encounter one or two
grounds for hope
we shouldn’t aggravate our frustration
by a sense that we have been uniquely
cursed in ending up in this relationship
of course they are annoying sometimes
everyone in the world would be equally
tricky at points and often probably a
lot worse specifics of why we are in an
irritating dispute may be local but that
we are in one at all is a universal
destiny we should laugh darkly at the
human tragedy our partner is only ever
frightened worried or not thinking
straight rather than bad just like us
they carry a lot of emotional baggage
they have been shaped by their complex
and at moments very troubled history
much of what they do isn’t directly
about us but is a way of coping with
difficulties that came into their life
long before we met choose the moment we
can be under the illusion that arguing
is an exchange of intellectual ideas but
it is largely a process reliant on our
emotions and is decisively influenced by
such easily overlooked matters as how
much sleep we’ve had how much we’ve
drunk and what time it is as a general
rule wait until tomorrow
don’t let the relationship die from
misplaced politeness or embarrassment
dare to name the problem however
shocking it might sound as long as it’s
been carefully wrapped in layers of love
the truth is normally bearable to those
who care for us it doesn’t matter if
we’re right we must be prepared to
forego all the pleasures of proving a
point we’re not trying to win but to
live as happily as possible with another
person who is in the end our best friend
and on our side
despite all this we will of course still
have fear
raus we will call each other the worst
things slam doors and cry it’s hugely
normal the capacity to be horrible to a
partner is even a strange though genuine
feature of love a relationship has to
include the matter more unreasonable
parts of our nature if we are only ever
polite it’s because we have not been
made to feel safe a row may have to be
the turbulent passage towards the kind
of deeper reconciliation we longed for
it can at points be important to say
some wild and hurtful things to halt a
drift apart by for grounding for a while
the most extreme points of conflict we
set up the conditions for reconnecting
with larger areas of closeness we now
remember that despite an evening
squabbling like the frightened foolish
barely semi-rational idiots we are we do
love them deeply nevertheless and will
strive with all our will and perhaps
with the help of the odd film like this
to argue a little more sensibly next
our relationship reboot cards inspire
conversations that can help to rekindle
love between you and your partner be
sure to subscribe to our Channel internal notifications
argue their relationships are marked by
enormous outward politeness they say
thank you a lot they make each other
cups of tea they can look rather
horrified when there’s a mention of a
squabble in someone else’s life it’s
understandable if they’re privately a
little pleased with themselves but
surface harmony isn’t in reality any
reliable sign of health in love because
it’s impossible to try to merge two
lives without regularly encountering
deep sources of incompatibility a lack
of arguments is more likely to be a sign
that we’ve given up caring than a
superhuman achievement of maturity the
goal isn’t therefore to do away with
arguments but to find our way towards
their more fruitful variety we need to
learn to argue well rather than not
argue at all what then are some of the
ideas that might help us to have better
arguments the single greatest idea that
can help us to argue more constructively
is to remind ourselves publicly that we
are both of us by nature deeply
imperfect and it points quite plainly
mad the enemy of mature arguments is
self-righteousness the sense that we
might be beyond fault and that our
partner must either be weekly basis
mistake or unfairly critical in alleging
that we have been guilty of one it is of
immense benefit if relationships can be
conducted under the assumed truth that
both participants are idiotic or
mentally wobbly quite flawed in manifold
ways and so constantly in need of
forgiveness it is an implicit faith in
our own perfection that turns us into
monsters people concede points not when
they are aggressively told they’re wrong
but when they feel loved we get stubborn
and withhold the truth when we’re scared
and suspected the person challenging us
hates us means us harm can never forgive
us and is perhaps about to leave us it
is indispensable to preface every
criticism with an assurance of ongoing
love people change very slowly and
seldom when they are harassed into
doing so we must strive not to be
desperate for change in our partners we
must make our peace with the idea that
they won’t evolve as we would wish on
the timescale that would suit us we
should be rather pessimistic about human
nature in order to encounter one or two
grounds for hope
we shouldn’t aggravate our frustration
by a sense that we have been uniquely
cursed in ending up in this relationship
of course they are annoying sometimes
everyone in the world would be equally
tricky at points and often probably a
lot worse specifics of why we are in an
irritating dispute may be local but that
we are in one at all is a universal
destiny we should laugh darkly at the
human tragedy our partner is only ever
frightened worried or not thinking
straight rather than bad just like us
they carry a lot of emotional baggage
they have been shaped by their complex
and at moments very troubled history
much of what they do isn’t directly
about us but is a way of coping with
difficulties that came into their life
long before we met choose the moment we
can be under the illusion that arguing
is an exchange of intellectual ideas but
it is largely a process reliant on our
emotions and is decisively influenced by
such easily overlooked matters as how
much sleep we’ve had how much we’ve
drunk and what time it is as a general
rule wait until tomorrow
don’t let the relationship die from
misplaced politeness or embarrassment
dare to name the problem however
shocking it might sound as long as it’s
been carefully wrapped in layers of love
the truth is normally bearable to those
who care for us it doesn’t matter if
we’re right we must be prepared to
forego all the pleasures of proving a
point we’re not trying to win but to
live as happily as possible with another
person who is in the end our best friend
and on our side
despite all this we will of course still
have fear
raus we will call each other the worst
things slam doors and cry it’s hugely
normal the capacity to be horrible to a
partner is even a strange though genuine
feature of love a relationship has to
include the matter more unreasonable
parts of our nature if we are only ever
polite it’s because we have not been
made to feel safe a row may have to be
the turbulent passage towards the kind
of deeper reconciliation we longed for
it can at points be important to say
some wild and hurtful things to halt a
drift apart by for grounding for a while
the most extreme points of conflict we
set up the conditions for reconnecting
with larger areas of closeness we now
remember that despite an evening
squabbling like the frightened foolish
barely semi-rational idiots we are we do
love them deeply nevertheless and will
strive with all our will and perhaps
with the help of the odd film like this
to argue a little more sensibly next
our relationship reboot cards inspire
conversations that can help to rekindle
love between you and your partner be
sure to subscribe to our Channel internal notifications
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