there are for many of us few people as
attractive as the avoidant the sorts
that are permanently a little mysterious
who don’t speak so much around whom one
never quite knows where one is in whose
eyes there is a faraway look and perhaps
a certain melancholy to in whose hearts
we insure it a sadness we long to but
never quite can touch people who seem to
promise us intimacy and connection and
yet who remain however long we’ve been
with them mesmerizingly unn reassuring
unsurprisingly it’s not so easy to be
the lover of an avoidant person the
tendency very often after the heady
early days is to give in to the
insecurities they end up provoking in us
do they really care do they love us back
why they never the ones to call beset by
such questions we make it cross tearful
or Stern we may accuse them of neglect
and selfishness of betrayal or
egocentricity these sort of inquisitions
can be counted on to fail at the first
signs of critique avoiding people pull
up the drawbridge they are experts at
fleeing the messy consequences of other
people’s desire for them they go off to
play sport abscond on a long journey or
discover new responsibilities at the
office one is left hammering in vain at
the gates of their personal Citadel on a
bad day they may also get furious back
they will deny that we have any kind of
point at all they aren’t trying to
deceive us they genuinely can’t see the
issue they aren’t they assure us with
mounting vehemence distant and cold
they’re simply busy and not into certain
kinds of sentimentality it is we need e
weak hysterical and over demanding as
they put it who are the problem we
almost agree to survive we should hold
on to the idea that despite their robust
out
manner the avoidant our above all else
scared their Frost eNOS is the result of
fear rather than indifference and what
they are afraid of is to let down their
guard and then meet with betrayal and
abandonment their outward strength masks
a gelatinous interior but there will
inevitably be a rather touching
backstory to their advanced subterranean
fears these avoidant types were way back
most likely let down very badly by
someone they depended on a lot when they
were defenseless in response to a grave
childhood disappointment
they grew an extra thick skin and plated
themselves with armor but they vowed in
a way they may not now even recognize
never to trust anyone fully again so
they are distant and prone to put up
barriers not because they don’t care but
because being cared for with kindness
generates unfamiliar and daunting
feelings for them they skilfully
undermine their chances of being close
because they have no experience of
reliable love and are drawn to try to
spoil it to prove to themselves that it
can’t be real and that they haven’t
therefore missed out on quite so much we
should avoid getting stuck in cycles of
claim and counterclaim that they might
be too cold and that we might be too hot
far better to address the fears
circulating beneath the surface rather
than provoking their panic or denial we
should as best we can make closeness
feel safe we should remember that we’re
dealing with someone who finds
vulnerability frightening and therefore
not meet their impulse to flee with
punitive nests
more crucially we might along the way
start to ask ourselves a few key
questions how similar are we to them
beneath the apparent differences it’s
easy to claim that one has an
uncomplicated desire to be close so long
as one isn’t put to the test because one
is carefully picked out a person who has
problems being
close yet in truth how simple is
closeness for us really might we not be
as scared as they are but simply have
passed our share of the problem on to
them to hold
shouldn’t we be suspicious of the way
that we manage to reject other warmer
candidates in favor of this distant
figure is it really an accident that we
are with them or isn’t it in some way
satisfying to us as well allowing us to
claim that we want intimacy without
having to bear any of its costs through
such pointed questions we stand to
realize that most probably the fear of
closeness exists on both sides
it’s just that they are directly distant
and we are so by proxy we can break away
from caricatures and as a couple own up
to our mutual terrors of dependence we
can start to sympathize with one
another’s techniques for warding off
anxiety and help each other to accept
the common risks of love that will be
the beginning of true closeness and
bravery on both sides did you know we
also have an app to help you meet people
with whom you can have deeper more
meaningful connections follow the link on your screen now to download it
attractive as the avoidant the sorts
that are permanently a little mysterious
who don’t speak so much around whom one
never quite knows where one is in whose
eyes there is a faraway look and perhaps
a certain melancholy to in whose hearts
we insure it a sadness we long to but
never quite can touch people who seem to
promise us intimacy and connection and
yet who remain however long we’ve been
with them mesmerizingly unn reassuring
unsurprisingly it’s not so easy to be
the lover of an avoidant person the
tendency very often after the heady
early days is to give in to the
insecurities they end up provoking in us
do they really care do they love us back
why they never the ones to call beset by
such questions we make it cross tearful
or Stern we may accuse them of neglect
and selfishness of betrayal or
egocentricity these sort of inquisitions
can be counted on to fail at the first
signs of critique avoiding people pull
up the drawbridge they are experts at
fleeing the messy consequences of other
people’s desire for them they go off to
play sport abscond on a long journey or
discover new responsibilities at the
office one is left hammering in vain at
the gates of their personal Citadel on a
bad day they may also get furious back
they will deny that we have any kind of
point at all they aren’t trying to
deceive us they genuinely can’t see the
issue they aren’t they assure us with
mounting vehemence distant and cold
they’re simply busy and not into certain
kinds of sentimentality it is we need e
weak hysterical and over demanding as
they put it who are the problem we
almost agree to survive we should hold
on to the idea that despite their robust
out
manner the avoidant our above all else
scared their Frost eNOS is the result of
fear rather than indifference and what
they are afraid of is to let down their
guard and then meet with betrayal and
abandonment their outward strength masks
a gelatinous interior but there will
inevitably be a rather touching
backstory to their advanced subterranean
fears these avoidant types were way back
most likely let down very badly by
someone they depended on a lot when they
were defenseless in response to a grave
childhood disappointment
they grew an extra thick skin and plated
themselves with armor but they vowed in
a way they may not now even recognize
never to trust anyone fully again so
they are distant and prone to put up
barriers not because they don’t care but
because being cared for with kindness
generates unfamiliar and daunting
feelings for them they skilfully
undermine their chances of being close
because they have no experience of
reliable love and are drawn to try to
spoil it to prove to themselves that it
can’t be real and that they haven’t
therefore missed out on quite so much we
should avoid getting stuck in cycles of
claim and counterclaim that they might
be too cold and that we might be too hot
far better to address the fears
circulating beneath the surface rather
than provoking their panic or denial we
should as best we can make closeness
feel safe we should remember that we’re
dealing with someone who finds
vulnerability frightening and therefore
not meet their impulse to flee with
punitive nests
more crucially we might along the way
start to ask ourselves a few key
questions how similar are we to them
beneath the apparent differences it’s
easy to claim that one has an
uncomplicated desire to be close so long
as one isn’t put to the test because one
is carefully picked out a person who has
problems being
close yet in truth how simple is
closeness for us really might we not be
as scared as they are but simply have
passed our share of the problem on to
them to hold
shouldn’t we be suspicious of the way
that we manage to reject other warmer
candidates in favor of this distant
figure is it really an accident that we
are with them or isn’t it in some way
satisfying to us as well allowing us to
claim that we want intimacy without
having to bear any of its costs through
such pointed questions we stand to
realize that most probably the fear of
closeness exists on both sides
it’s just that they are directly distant
and we are so by proxy we can break away
from caricatures and as a couple own up
to our mutual terrors of dependence we
can start to sympathize with one
another’s techniques for warding off
anxiety and help each other to accept
the common risks of love that will be
the beginning of true closeness and
bravery on both sides did you know we
also have an app to help you meet people
with whom you can have deeper more
meaningful connections follow the link on your screen now to download it
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