it’s a mark of character to be thought
of as someone that others will safely
confide in there’s a high degree of
empathy generosity and open-mindedness
implied in being the sort of person that
friends will instinctively turn to when
everything has gone dark but we may come
to realize that despite our best
intentions other people often do not
quite see us in this way if we ask them
directly what the matter is they’ll try
to look cheerful and insist that
everything is fine we know it can’t be
but nor do they seem inclined to open up
to us we end up feeling lonely and a bit
helpless there are plenty of good
reasons why people tend to show extreme
care before opening up a coffee door may
turn out to be patronizing alarmist
sentimental panic inducing or moralistic
the dangers of humiliation are acute to
dare to confide we need a very strong
feeling that our companion is going to
be unreservedly understanding gentle and
kind but even if we feel ready to be all
these things how do we signal our
capacities properly to other people
the almost touchingly obvious method is
via direct assertion we might say don’t
worry I won’t judge or simply you can
tell me
I’m very understanding kind though such
statements maybe they can’t generally
help because they don’t touch the core
fear that whatever we may say we may
still turn out to be disturbed by or
hostile to the details of actual
revelations the more skilled approach
requires a greater degree of courage on
our part it involves regularly admitting
to something difficult and troubling and
rather shameful about ourselves it’s by
letting other people know something of
our own vulnerabilities that we free
them up to share some of the things they
are terrified of admitting to in their
lives our revelation proves far better
than a headline statement that we’re
reliable because we know from the inside
what it’s like to carry a dreadful
secret and to feel
right and of another person’s reaction
to it we’re demonstrating a crucial idea
that we won’t turn on them because we’ve
trusted them not to turn on us the
process of building up trust often
functions in an incremental way we
reveal a small and not too awful fact
about us and the other then starts to
share a little of what’s going on for
them from there we take a bolder step of
admitting to something more
significantly awkward something we know
could be seen as really not very
acceptable we’re inviting the other to
follow us in turn and to feel secure in
opening their hearts yet wider the
underlying idea is that in order to
demonstrate our position as an
empathetic receiver of confidences we
have to show our broken and flawed sides
we failed
so another person can tell us of their
failure we’ve been hurt so they can
admit to being hurt we’ve done and
admitted we’ve done very stupid things
so we’re not going to turn against those
who have also been at points very silly
to be a good companion it isn’t enough
simply to be polite or to commiserate we
need to take a risk we need to give our
friends something they could use against
us
so that they can feel safe in giving us
something we might use against them
under the umbrella of mutually assured
destruction real trust and friendship
can then flourish if you liked this film
download our app where you can view all
our videos read articles from the book
of life and chats with other students of the School of Life
of as someone that others will safely
confide in there’s a high degree of
empathy generosity and open-mindedness
implied in being the sort of person that
friends will instinctively turn to when
everything has gone dark but we may come
to realize that despite our best
intentions other people often do not
quite see us in this way if we ask them
directly what the matter is they’ll try
to look cheerful and insist that
everything is fine we know it can’t be
but nor do they seem inclined to open up
to us we end up feeling lonely and a bit
helpless there are plenty of good
reasons why people tend to show extreme
care before opening up a coffee door may
turn out to be patronizing alarmist
sentimental panic inducing or moralistic
the dangers of humiliation are acute to
dare to confide we need a very strong
feeling that our companion is going to
be unreservedly understanding gentle and
kind but even if we feel ready to be all
these things how do we signal our
capacities properly to other people
the almost touchingly obvious method is
via direct assertion we might say don’t
worry I won’t judge or simply you can
tell me
I’m very understanding kind though such
statements maybe they can’t generally
help because they don’t touch the core
fear that whatever we may say we may
still turn out to be disturbed by or
hostile to the details of actual
revelations the more skilled approach
requires a greater degree of courage on
our part it involves regularly admitting
to something difficult and troubling and
rather shameful about ourselves it’s by
letting other people know something of
our own vulnerabilities that we free
them up to share some of the things they
are terrified of admitting to in their
lives our revelation proves far better
than a headline statement that we’re
reliable because we know from the inside
what it’s like to carry a dreadful
secret and to feel
right and of another person’s reaction
to it we’re demonstrating a crucial idea
that we won’t turn on them because we’ve
trusted them not to turn on us the
process of building up trust often
functions in an incremental way we
reveal a small and not too awful fact
about us and the other then starts to
share a little of what’s going on for
them from there we take a bolder step of
admitting to something more
significantly awkward something we know
could be seen as really not very
acceptable we’re inviting the other to
follow us in turn and to feel secure in
opening their hearts yet wider the
underlying idea is that in order to
demonstrate our position as an
empathetic receiver of confidences we
have to show our broken and flawed sides
we failed
so another person can tell us of their
failure we’ve been hurt so they can
admit to being hurt we’ve done and
admitted we’ve done very stupid things
so we’re not going to turn against those
who have also been at points very silly
to be a good companion it isn’t enough
simply to be polite or to commiserate we
need to take a risk we need to give our
friends something they could use against
us
so that they can feel safe in giving us
something we might use against them
under the umbrella of mutually assured
destruction real trust and friendship
can then flourish if you liked this film
download our app where you can view all
our videos read articles from the book
of life and chats with other students of the School of Life
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