apparently Millennials as a generation
which is a group of people who were born
approximately 1984 and after are tough
to manage and they’re accused of being
entitled and narcissistic
self-interested unfocused lazy but
entitled is the big one and and because
they confound leadership so much what’s
happening as leaders are asking the
Millennials what do you want and
Millennials are saying we want to work
in a place with purpose love that we
want to make an impact you know whatever
that means we want free food and bean
bags and so somebody articulates some
sort of purpose there’s lots of free
food and there’s bean bags and yet for
some reason they are still not happy and
that’s because you they’re missing this
there’s a there’s a missing piece what
I’ve learned is that there I can break
it down into four pieces right there are
four four things four characteristics
one is parenting the other one is
technology
third is impatience and the fourth is
environment the generation that we call
the Millennials too many of them grew up
subject to not my words failed parenting
strategies you know where for example
they were told that they were special
all the time
they were told that they have anything
they want in life just because they want
it they were told some of them got into
honors classes not because they deserved
it but because their parents complained
and some of them got a is not because
they earned them but because the
teachers didn’t want to deal with the
parents some kids got participation
medals you got a medal for coming in
last right which the science we know is
pretty clear which is it devalues the
metal and the reward for those who
actually work hard and that actually
makes the person who comes in last feel
embarrassed because they know they
didn’t deserve it so actual makes them
feel worse
right so you take this group of people
and they graduate school and they get a
job and the thrust into an it into the
real world and in an instant they find
out they’re not special their moms can’t
get them a promotion that you get
nothing for coming in last and by the
way you can’t just have it because you
want it right and in an instant their
entire self-image is shattered and so
you have an entire generation that’s
growing up with lower self-esteem than
previous generations the other problem
to compound it is we’re growing up in a
facebook Instagram world in other words
we’re good at putting filters on things
we’re good at showing people that life
is amazing even though I’m depressed
right and so everybody sounds tough and
everybody sounds like they got it all
figure it out and the reality is there’s
very little toughness and most people
don’t have it figured out and so when
the more senior people say what we do
they sound like this is what you got it
in and they have no clue so you have an
entire generation growing up with lower
self esteem than previous generations
right through no fault of their own
through no fault of their own right they
were dealt a bad hand right now let’s
add in technology we know that
engagement with social media and our
cell phones releases a chemical called
dopamine that’s why when you get a text
feels good
alright so you know we’ve all had it
where you’re feeling a little bit down
or feeling a bit lonely and so you send
out ten texts to ten friends you know hi
hi hi hi hi cuz it feels good when you
get a response right right it’s why we
count the likes it’s why we go back ten
times to see if and if it’s going if our
mints and my Instagram is growing slower
I would I do something wrong do they not
like me anymore right
the trauma for young kids to be
unfriended right because we know when
you get it you get a hit a dopamine
which feels good it’s why we like it
it’s why we keep going back to it
dopamine is the exact same chemical that
makes us feel good when we smoke when we
drink and when we gamble in other words
it’s highly highly addictive right we
have age restrictions on smoking
gambling and alcohol and we have no age
restrictions on social media and cell
phones which is the equivalent of
opening up the liquor cabinet and saying
to our teenagers hey by the way this
but that’s basically what’s happening
that’s basically what’s happening right
that’s basically what happened you have
an entire generation that has access to
an addictive numbing to chemical called
dopamine through social media and
cellphones as they’re going through the
high stress of adolescence why is this
important
almost every alcoholic discovered
alcohol when they were teenagers when
we’re very very young the only approval
we need is the approval of our parents
and as we go through adolescence we make
this transition where we now need the
approval of our peers very frustrating
for our parents very important for us
that allows us to acculturate outside of
our immediate families into the broader
tribe right it’s a highly highly
stressful and anxious period of our
lives and we’re supposed to learn to
rely on our friends some people quite by
accident discover alcohol and numbing
effects of dopamine to help them cope
with the stresses and anxieties of
adolescence
unfortunately that becomes hardwired in
their brains and for the rest of their
lives when they suffer significant
stress they will not turn to a person
they will turn to the bottle social
stress financial stress career stress
that’s pretty much the primary reasons
why an alcoholic drinks right what’s
happening is because we’re allowing
unfettered access to these dopamine
producing devices and media basically
it’s becoming hardwired and what we’re
seeing is as they grow older they to
many kids don’t know how to form deep
meaningful relationships their words not
mine they will admit that many of their
friendships are superficial they will
admit that their friends that they don’t
count on their friends they don’t rely
on their friends they have fun with
their friends but they also know that
their friends will cancel on them that
something better comes along deep
meaningful relationships are not there
because they never practice the skill
set and worse they don’t have the coping
mechanisms to deal with stress so when
significant stress starts to show up in
their lives they’re not turning to a
person they’re turning to a device
they’re turning to social media they’re
turning to these things which offer
temporary relief we know the science is
clear we know that people who spend more
time on Facebook so for higher rates of
depression than people who spend less
time on Facebook write these things
balanced alcohol is not bad too much
alcohol is bad gambling is fun too much
gambling is dangerous right there’s
nothing wrong with social media and cell
phones it’s the imbalance right if
you’re
at dinner with your friends and you’re
texting somebody who’s not there that’s
a problem that’s an addiction if you’re
sitting in a meeting with people you’re
supposed to be listening to and speaking
and you put your phone on the table face
up or face down I don’t care that sends
the subconscious message to the room and
you’re not just just not that important
to me right now right that’s what
happens and the fact that you cannot put
it away it’s because you are addicted
right if you wake up and you check your
phone before you say good morning to
your girlfriend boyfriend or spouse you
have an addiction and like all addiction
in time it’ll destroy relationships
it’ll cost time and it’ll cost money and
it’ll make your life worse right so you
have a generation growing up and lower
self-esteem that doesn’t have the coping
mechanisms to do with straights stress
right now you add in the sense of
impatience right they’ve grown up in a
world of instant gratification you want
to buy something you go on Amazon it
arrives the next day you want to watch a
movie log on and watch a movie you don’t
check movie times you want to watch your
TV show binge you don’t even have to
wait week to week to week right
I know people who skip seasons just so
they can binge at the end of the season
right Instagram if occasion you want to
go on a date you don’t even have to
learn how to be like you don’t even have
to learn and practice that skill you
don’t have to be the uncomfortable and
what’s this is yes when you mean no one
says no when you mean no but yes when
you you have to swipe right Bing I’m a
stud right you don’t have to learn the
social coping mechanisms right
everything you want you can have
instantaneously everything you want
instant gratification except job
satisfaction and strength of
relationships
there ain’t no app for that they are
slow meandering uncomfortable messy
processes and so I keep meeting these
wonderful fantastic idealistic
hard-working smart kids they’ve just
graduated school they’re in their
entry-level job I sit down with them
when I go how’s it going they go I think
I’m gonna quit I’m like why they’re like
I’m not making an impact
it’s as if they’re standing at the foot
of a mountain and they have this
abstract concept called impact that they
want to have in the world which is the
summit what they don’t see is the
mountain
I don’t care if you go up the mountain
quickly or slowly but there’s still a
mountain and so what this young
generation needs to learn is patience
that some things that really really
matter like love or job fulfillment joy
love of life self-confidence a skill set
any of these things all of these things
take time sometimes you can expedite
pieces of it but the overall journey is
arduous and long and difficult and if
you don’t ask for help and learn that
skill set you will fall off the mountain
or you will the worst case scenario the
worst case scenario and we’re already
seeing it the worst case scenario is
we’re seeing increase in suicide rates
we’re seeing an increase in this
generation we’re seen an increase in
accidental deaths due to drug overdoses
we’re seeing more and more kids drop out
of school or take leaves of absence due
to depression unheard of these are this
is this is really bad the best case
scenario the best those are all bad
cases right the best case scenario is
you’ll have an entire population growing
up and going through life and just never
really finding joy they’ll never really
find deep deep fulfillment in work or in
life they’ll just just walk through life
and it’ll GE just it’s fine how’s your
job it’s fine the same is yesterday
how’s your relationship it’s fine
like that’s that’s the best case
scenario which leads me to the the
fourth point which is environment which
is we’re taking this amazing group of
young fantastic kids were just dealt a
bad hand it’s no fault of their own and
we put them in corporate environments
that care more about the numbers and
they do about the kids they care more
about the short term gains than the long
term life of this young human being we
care more about the year than the
lifetime right and so we are putting
them in corporate environments that
aren’t helping them build their
confidence that aren’t helping them
learn the skills of cooperation that
aren’t helping them
overcome the challenges of a digital
world and finding more balance that
isn’t helping them overcome the need to
have instant gratification and teach
them the joys and impact and the
fulfillment you get from working hard
over on something for a long time that
cannot be done in a month or even in a
year and so with thrusting to them them
in corporate environments and the worst
part about it is they think it’s them
they blame themselves they can’t they
think it’s them who can’t deal and so it
makes it all worse it’s not I’m here to
tell them it’s not them it’s the
corporation’s it’s the corporate
environments it’s the total lack of good
leadership in our world today that is
making them feel the way they do they
would dealt a bad hand heads and I hate
to say but it’s the company’s
responsibility
sucks to be you like we have no choice
right this is what we got and I wish
that society and their parents did a
better job they didn’t so we’re gonna
we’re getting them in our companies and
we now have to pick up the slack we have
to work extra hard to figure out the
ways that we build their confidence we
have to work extra hard to find ways to
teach them social the social skills that
they’re missing out on
there should be no cell phones and
conference rooms none zero and I don’t
mean the kind of like sitting outside
waiting to text I mean like when you’re
sitting and waiting for a meeting to
start nobody go this is what we all do
we all sit here and wait for the meeting
to start meaning starting okay when we
start the meeting no that’s not how
relationships are formed remember we
talked about it’s the little things
relationships are formed this way we’re
waiting for a meeting to start we go
how’s your dad I heard he was in
hospital oh he’s really good thanks for
asking
he’s actually I hope that I’m really
glad it was really amazing I know it was
really scary for that’s how you form
relationships hey did you ever get that
report on oh my god no I didn’t I’ll
help you out I’ve totally uh can I help
you out with that
really that’s how trust forms trust
doesn’t form at an event in a day even
bad times don’t form trust immediately
it’s the slow steady consistency and we
have to create mechanisms where we allow
for those little innocuous interaction
to happen but when we allow cell phones
and companies we just okay I have the
meeting and then my favorite is like
when there’s a cell phone there and you
go like this you go it rings again I’m
not gonna answer that mr. magnanimous
you know when you’re out for dinner with
your friends like I I do this with my
friends when we’re going out for dinner
and we’re leaving together we’ll leave
our cell phones at home who are we
calling maybe one of us will bring a
phone in case we need to call the new
idealist but I’m not insane I mean it
looked really good
we’ll take one phone and so it’s like an
alcoholic the reason you take the
alcohol out of the house it’s week week
is because we cannot trust our willpower
we’re just not strong enough but when
you remove the temptation it actually
makes it a lot easier and so when you
just say don’t check your phone people
literally will go like this and somebody
would go to the bathroom and what’s the
first thing we do because I wouldn’t
want to look around the restaurant for a
minute and a half you know but if you
don’t have the phone you just kind of
enjoy the world and that’s where ideas
happen the constant custom console
engagement is not where you have
innovation and ideas ideas happen when
our minds wander and we go and you see
something on they could do that that’s
called innovation right but we’re taking
away all those little moments right
you should not and none of us none of us
should charge our phones by our beds we
should be charging our phones in the
living rooms right remove the temptation
you wake up the middle night cuz you
can’t sleep you won’t check your phone
which makes it worse but if it’s in the
living room its relaxed it’s fine
oh yeah but it’s my alarm clock buy an
alarm clock
they cost $8
I’ll buy you in a while we have a
responsibility as marketers to help our
clients use technology to bring people
together we have a responsibility as
companies to offer the people who work
in our companies a sense that we are
helping them build their confidence that
we’re helping them overcome their
addictions that we’re gonna teach them
patience I’m gonna teach them how to
build strong personal relationships we
don’t have a choice we have a higher
burden upon us and there’s so many
little things that we can do that we are
failing horribly at there is so easy let
me show you one
can I borrow someone’s phone please
okay there is a subconscious reaction to
these devices when we use them okay what
if I were to hold my phone while I’m
talking to you I’m not checking it it’s
not buzzing it’s not beeping I’m not
even nothing I’m just holding it do you
feel at this moment that you are the
most important thing to me right now
no you do not because there is a
subconscious reaction we have to the
device when it is out it makes the
people around us feel that they are less
important so when walk we’re walking
down the halls in our offices and
somebody says hey boss can I ask you a
question you go sure what’s on your mind
we’ve just told them they’re not that
important or we can go sure what’s on
your mind and if you don’t have a pocket
find a shelf put it on the shelf come
back and say sure what’s on your mind
when we show up to a meeting or a lunch
or a dinner with our colleagues our
clients or our friends or our families
and we put the phone on the table we
have announced to everyone in the room
that they are not that important to us
and by the way putting the phone upside
down is not more polite my favorite one
is win the meeting or at a lunch with
someone that the phone will ring and the
caller ID will pop up and they will go
I’m not gonna get it oh so magnanimous
oh lucky to eat with you today
or they could just put the damn thing
away you can tell how addicted we are
when somebody pulls out their phone when
you rip them how uncomfortable does that
make us feel you’re walking down the
street with someone they pull their
phone out we feel stupid so what do we
do we pull our phones out we’re so
addicted somebody goes to the bathroom
when we’re at dinner and what do we have
to sit there by ourselves god forbid we
should look around the room for five
minutes we pull our phones out meetings
awful what do we do when a meeting
happens right everybody’s sitting
waiting for the meeting to start the
Bob’s running a few minutes late Bob’s
here okay start the meeting do you know
when relationships are built all that in
between time thank you very much
there’s a funny story that goes along
with how he came up with the title of
this book and we are all to blame here I
am writing a book about the import
of working with people interacting with
people human relationships and yet the
way I and the publisher interacted was
we would send emails to each other with
title suggestions every now and then we
get on the phone but it was mainly done
through email somebody would send a list
of their favorite and you know somebody
would write back
that’s junk I kind of liked that one and
it was a labored horrible process
no one ever we never agreed we it was
just it was just talking at each other
and coincidence I happen to be walking
past the publishers office and decided
to stick my head in and say hello
went upstairs and we sat down and within
I think 30 or 40 minutes we had a title
that we all fell in love with and what
you realize is is we can tell an idea to
someone over email but you can’t
interact and if you think about how
ideas really happen it’s not
presentation response presentation
response its interruption and backwards
and forwards and battling and saying no
no no that’s not what I mean and it’s
it’s messy and it’s the messiness that
cannot happen over and over an internet
connection over email because everything
is exact over you know it can it can
happen over the phone but it’s so much
better in person when you get to see
someone’s body language and you see the
frustration and try and extry extry told
each other stories as opposed to telling
each other what we think we it should be
and the story that I told was not being
able to understand what made the Marines
so amazing what they do i sat down with
the Marine Corps general general Flynn
actually who wrote the foreword for the
book and I said to him what makes the
Marines so great and he looked at me and
said officers eat last and it sort of
struck me that if you compare that to
the business world in the
entrepreneurial world entrepreneurs are
always told by yourself first look after
yourself first and yet I’m being told by
this Marine general that it’s the
complete opposite and there’s there’s a
symbolic gesture but more importantly
there’s a there’s an importance to it
there there’s a photograph I saw
you know in these Kenya shootings that
just happened not so long ago we had the
amazing experience that a photographer
happened to be in the building usually
we see the aftermath and here we now
have photographs of the actual shooting
going on and there’s one photograph that
was in the New York Times that both
haunted me and inspired me to this day
it wanted me and inspires me I should
say and if the photograph of a mother in
the sound of gunshots lays herself on
top of her child and you see this
picture of a mother lying on top of her
child and you realize that’s what it is
that’s what leadership is that when
there is danger it’s not protecting
myself but it’s rather willing to put
myself in harm’s way to protect another
that’s what eating last means it means
that I will give the very the very
essence of life food and water I will
give it to the person I love first so
that they may live even if it means I
eat less and that’s what officers eat
last means it is symbolic but it is also
very real and real leadership real
leaders I’ve even given up the
terminology of good leaders and great
leaders you’re either a leader or you’re
not a leader that’s it real leaders
biological anthropological leaders are
are that mother
who instinctively without weighing the
pros and cons or the bad things that may
happen to her throw herself on their
child that’s what leadership is you know
do we believe that our our leaders would
throw themselves on us you know if they
heard gunshots if if the economy shook
would they quickly throw themselves on
us that that’s that’s what leaders eat
last means it is very literal it is very
very literal success is an elusive thing
right what is it and I think it’s very
interesting that if most people can’t
define success well it means you made X
amount of dollars or but if you make X
amount of dollars but you spend more are
you successful or what means you come
home happy every day okay how do you
know when you’re happy you know so I
think success is a funny thing which is
we all seem to pursue it but we don’t
know how to measure it or actually how
to define it so how do you pursue
something that you can’t measure
fascinating so when people say to me how
do you measure success the question we
all have to ask ourselves am i
successful I don’t know I mean I had a
good year last year and what does that
mean does that mean I made a lot of
money does that mean I was really happy
oh I’ll let you decide right maybe
neither maybe both I had a good year
last year but am i successful and the
answer is no I don’t feel I am because
I’m trying to build a world that doesn’t
exist yet I’m trying to build a world in
which 90% of people go home at the end
of the day feeling fulfilled by the work
that they do so I definitely took a step
a big step forward towards that goal but
I’m still so far away so somebody said
to me then how do you know if you’re
successful and the answer is if it can
go by itself and so it is more
interesting to me as a measurement of
success is not the the the markers per
se it’s not the the financial goal or
the the size of the house that you want
to buy those it nice things go for it
those are but those are not measurements
of success those are just nice things to
collect along the way for me its
momentum
I want to measure momentum which is you
know when when something is moving you
start to see a Luo
to momentum you give it a push because
if you don’t get it pushed it’s gonna
stop and an object in stasis is much
harder to get going it requires a lot
more energy to get something started
than it does to keep it going right and
so if you don’t let it stop and you can
keep it going it’s this you know it
still might slow down down there but you
can get it going again much easier and
for me the opportunity is to get the
ball rolling faster and faster and
faster and faster and faster and bigger
and bigger and bigger and Slyke it’s
Noble and my responsibility is because
it’s not rolling downhill yet it’s not
on automatic yet I need to still keep it
going to find that critical mass where
it can go and at the point it can go by
itself without me then I will find
something else to do and that may not
happen in my lifetime I think we must
all stop measuring promotions salaries
and these things but rather measure the
momentum of your career does my career
have momentum can I see it moving in the
right direction can I see it gathering
moss
you know can I see that it’s easy
becoming easier for me to keep the
momentum it’s becoming easier for me to
grow the size of this thing it’s it’s
requiring less effort that’s the thing
we need to measure that’s the thing that
we need to be cognizant of which is the
momentum of our career is not just the
the markers that we think define our
success it’s consistency versus
intensity you can’t get in shape by
going to the gym for nine hours doesn’t
work that way but if you go to the gym
every single day for 20 minutes you will
absolutely get into shape consistency
matters more than intensity intensity is
going to the dentist twice a year as
prescribed and if you only did that all
your teeth will fall out
we like intensity because it’s easy to
measure
I know exactly what time I’m going to
the dentist I know the date I know how
long I’m gonna be there and I could I
know the results this is how we teach
leadership we have a big seminar we have
an off-site we have a couple speakers
everybody gets a certificate we give the
speakers high reviews 8.5 I had a great
time I am a leader now no you don’t fall
in love with one big beautiful dinner
and a bouquet of flowers it’s the little
stuff
it’s brushing your teeth every day for
two minutes in the morning and two
minutes in the evening by itself it does
nothing
nothing it’s the consistency it’s the
repeat that makes our teeth healthy and
that’s how relationships are built to
the way we build friendships the way we
build trust the way we build camaraderie
is when we’re waiting for Bob because
we’re a little late because he’s a
little late we talk hey I heard your dad
was in the hospital is he okay
oh yeah thank you he’s much better he’s
home now thank you for asking hey
whatever happened with that client I
heard something exploded oh my god it
was insane by itself it does nothing but
when we create environments in which
those kinds of conversations happen on a
daily basis by removing the technology
and allowing people to connect you will
see a rise in trust a rise in
cooperation you will see a building of
confidence you’ll see an ability to rely
on people and why is it important to
rely on people and trust people so we
can create environments of vulnerability
vulnerability doesn’t mean walking
around crying vulnerability means
creating environment which somebody
feels safe enough to raise their hand
and say I made a mistake I don’t know
what I’m doing you asked me to do a job
I feel ill-equipped to do I’m scared I’m
nervous I’m lonely
we haven’t done that and we’ve
unfortunately exaggerated so many of
these things we’ve made the feelings
worse when are you at your best
I met my best when I’m around people who
believe what I believe I know it seems
silly but I try very very hard to sort
of stack the deck you know to put myself
in a position of strength so for example
you know somebody asked me just
yesterday have you ever had sort of a
bad you know engagement I was thinking
myself I’m like not really but it’s not
because I’m some sort of sort of genius
are they sending anything like that it’s
because I stack the deck it’s because I
want to be there I want to be around
people who want me there in other words
if I’m somebody’s tenth choice and like
you know I’ll probably turn it down
whereas if I’m their first choice they
really want me there and so I’m more
likely to have a good engagement they’re
supportive of me I’m supportive of them
and so yeah I’m at my best was like when
I stack the deck when I choose to be in
an environment where when my strengths are are there
which is a group of people who were born
approximately 1984 and after are tough
to manage and they’re accused of being
entitled and narcissistic
self-interested unfocused lazy but
entitled is the big one and and because
they confound leadership so much what’s
happening as leaders are asking the
Millennials what do you want and
Millennials are saying we want to work
in a place with purpose love that we
want to make an impact you know whatever
that means we want free food and bean
bags and so somebody articulates some
sort of purpose there’s lots of free
food and there’s bean bags and yet for
some reason they are still not happy and
that’s because you they’re missing this
there’s a there’s a missing piece what
I’ve learned is that there I can break
it down into four pieces right there are
four four things four characteristics
one is parenting the other one is
technology
third is impatience and the fourth is
environment the generation that we call
the Millennials too many of them grew up
subject to not my words failed parenting
strategies you know where for example
they were told that they were special
all the time
they were told that they have anything
they want in life just because they want
it they were told some of them got into
honors classes not because they deserved
it but because their parents complained
and some of them got a is not because
they earned them but because the
teachers didn’t want to deal with the
parents some kids got participation
medals you got a medal for coming in
last right which the science we know is
pretty clear which is it devalues the
metal and the reward for those who
actually work hard and that actually
makes the person who comes in last feel
embarrassed because they know they
didn’t deserve it so actual makes them
feel worse
right so you take this group of people
and they graduate school and they get a
job and the thrust into an it into the
real world and in an instant they find
out they’re not special their moms can’t
get them a promotion that you get
nothing for coming in last and by the
way you can’t just have it because you
want it right and in an instant their
entire self-image is shattered and so
you have an entire generation that’s
growing up with lower self-esteem than
previous generations the other problem
to compound it is we’re growing up in a
facebook Instagram world in other words
we’re good at putting filters on things
we’re good at showing people that life
is amazing even though I’m depressed
right and so everybody sounds tough and
everybody sounds like they got it all
figure it out and the reality is there’s
very little toughness and most people
don’t have it figured out and so when
the more senior people say what we do
they sound like this is what you got it
in and they have no clue so you have an
entire generation growing up with lower
self esteem than previous generations
right through no fault of their own
through no fault of their own right they
were dealt a bad hand right now let’s
add in technology we know that
engagement with social media and our
cell phones releases a chemical called
dopamine that’s why when you get a text
feels good
alright so you know we’ve all had it
where you’re feeling a little bit down
or feeling a bit lonely and so you send
out ten texts to ten friends you know hi
hi hi hi hi cuz it feels good when you
get a response right right it’s why we
count the likes it’s why we go back ten
times to see if and if it’s going if our
mints and my Instagram is growing slower
I would I do something wrong do they not
like me anymore right
the trauma for young kids to be
unfriended right because we know when
you get it you get a hit a dopamine
which feels good it’s why we like it
it’s why we keep going back to it
dopamine is the exact same chemical that
makes us feel good when we smoke when we
drink and when we gamble in other words
it’s highly highly addictive right we
have age restrictions on smoking
gambling and alcohol and we have no age
restrictions on social media and cell
phones which is the equivalent of
opening up the liquor cabinet and saying
to our teenagers hey by the way this
but that’s basically what’s happening
that’s basically what’s happening right
that’s basically what happened you have
an entire generation that has access to
an addictive numbing to chemical called
dopamine through social media and
cellphones as they’re going through the
high stress of adolescence why is this
important
almost every alcoholic discovered
alcohol when they were teenagers when
we’re very very young the only approval
we need is the approval of our parents
and as we go through adolescence we make
this transition where we now need the
approval of our peers very frustrating
for our parents very important for us
that allows us to acculturate outside of
our immediate families into the broader
tribe right it’s a highly highly
stressful and anxious period of our
lives and we’re supposed to learn to
rely on our friends some people quite by
accident discover alcohol and numbing
effects of dopamine to help them cope
with the stresses and anxieties of
adolescence
unfortunately that becomes hardwired in
their brains and for the rest of their
lives when they suffer significant
stress they will not turn to a person
they will turn to the bottle social
stress financial stress career stress
that’s pretty much the primary reasons
why an alcoholic drinks right what’s
happening is because we’re allowing
unfettered access to these dopamine
producing devices and media basically
it’s becoming hardwired and what we’re
seeing is as they grow older they to
many kids don’t know how to form deep
meaningful relationships their words not
mine they will admit that many of their
friendships are superficial they will
admit that their friends that they don’t
count on their friends they don’t rely
on their friends they have fun with
their friends but they also know that
their friends will cancel on them that
something better comes along deep
meaningful relationships are not there
because they never practice the skill
set and worse they don’t have the coping
mechanisms to deal with stress so when
significant stress starts to show up in
their lives they’re not turning to a
person they’re turning to a device
they’re turning to social media they’re
turning to these things which offer
temporary relief we know the science is
clear we know that people who spend more
time on Facebook so for higher rates of
depression than people who spend less
time on Facebook write these things
balanced alcohol is not bad too much
alcohol is bad gambling is fun too much
gambling is dangerous right there’s
nothing wrong with social media and cell
phones it’s the imbalance right if
you’re
at dinner with your friends and you’re
texting somebody who’s not there that’s
a problem that’s an addiction if you’re
sitting in a meeting with people you’re
supposed to be listening to and speaking
and you put your phone on the table face
up or face down I don’t care that sends
the subconscious message to the room and
you’re not just just not that important
to me right now right that’s what
happens and the fact that you cannot put
it away it’s because you are addicted
right if you wake up and you check your
phone before you say good morning to
your girlfriend boyfriend or spouse you
have an addiction and like all addiction
in time it’ll destroy relationships
it’ll cost time and it’ll cost money and
it’ll make your life worse right so you
have a generation growing up and lower
self-esteem that doesn’t have the coping
mechanisms to do with straights stress
right now you add in the sense of
impatience right they’ve grown up in a
world of instant gratification you want
to buy something you go on Amazon it
arrives the next day you want to watch a
movie log on and watch a movie you don’t
check movie times you want to watch your
TV show binge you don’t even have to
wait week to week to week right
I know people who skip seasons just so
they can binge at the end of the season
right Instagram if occasion you want to
go on a date you don’t even have to
learn how to be like you don’t even have
to learn and practice that skill you
don’t have to be the uncomfortable and
what’s this is yes when you mean no one
says no when you mean no but yes when
you you have to swipe right Bing I’m a
stud right you don’t have to learn the
social coping mechanisms right
everything you want you can have
instantaneously everything you want
instant gratification except job
satisfaction and strength of
relationships
there ain’t no app for that they are
slow meandering uncomfortable messy
processes and so I keep meeting these
wonderful fantastic idealistic
hard-working smart kids they’ve just
graduated school they’re in their
entry-level job I sit down with them
when I go how’s it going they go I think
I’m gonna quit I’m like why they’re like
I’m not making an impact
it’s as if they’re standing at the foot
of a mountain and they have this
abstract concept called impact that they
want to have in the world which is the
summit what they don’t see is the
mountain
I don’t care if you go up the mountain
quickly or slowly but there’s still a
mountain and so what this young
generation needs to learn is patience
that some things that really really
matter like love or job fulfillment joy
love of life self-confidence a skill set
any of these things all of these things
take time sometimes you can expedite
pieces of it but the overall journey is
arduous and long and difficult and if
you don’t ask for help and learn that
skill set you will fall off the mountain
or you will the worst case scenario the
worst case scenario and we’re already
seeing it the worst case scenario is
we’re seeing increase in suicide rates
we’re seeing an increase in this
generation we’re seen an increase in
accidental deaths due to drug overdoses
we’re seeing more and more kids drop out
of school or take leaves of absence due
to depression unheard of these are this
is this is really bad the best case
scenario the best those are all bad
cases right the best case scenario is
you’ll have an entire population growing
up and going through life and just never
really finding joy they’ll never really
find deep deep fulfillment in work or in
life they’ll just just walk through life
and it’ll GE just it’s fine how’s your
job it’s fine the same is yesterday
how’s your relationship it’s fine
like that’s that’s the best case
scenario which leads me to the the
fourth point which is environment which
is we’re taking this amazing group of
young fantastic kids were just dealt a
bad hand it’s no fault of their own and
we put them in corporate environments
that care more about the numbers and
they do about the kids they care more
about the short term gains than the long
term life of this young human being we
care more about the year than the
lifetime right and so we are putting
them in corporate environments that
aren’t helping them build their
confidence that aren’t helping them
learn the skills of cooperation that
aren’t helping them
overcome the challenges of a digital
world and finding more balance that
isn’t helping them overcome the need to
have instant gratification and teach
them the joys and impact and the
fulfillment you get from working hard
over on something for a long time that
cannot be done in a month or even in a
year and so with thrusting to them them
in corporate environments and the worst
part about it is they think it’s them
they blame themselves they can’t they
think it’s them who can’t deal and so it
makes it all worse it’s not I’m here to
tell them it’s not them it’s the
corporation’s it’s the corporate
environments it’s the total lack of good
leadership in our world today that is
making them feel the way they do they
would dealt a bad hand heads and I hate
to say but it’s the company’s
responsibility
sucks to be you like we have no choice
right this is what we got and I wish
that society and their parents did a
better job they didn’t so we’re gonna
we’re getting them in our companies and
we now have to pick up the slack we have
to work extra hard to figure out the
ways that we build their confidence we
have to work extra hard to find ways to
teach them social the social skills that
they’re missing out on
there should be no cell phones and
conference rooms none zero and I don’t
mean the kind of like sitting outside
waiting to text I mean like when you’re
sitting and waiting for a meeting to
start nobody go this is what we all do
we all sit here and wait for the meeting
to start meaning starting okay when we
start the meeting no that’s not how
relationships are formed remember we
talked about it’s the little things
relationships are formed this way we’re
waiting for a meeting to start we go
how’s your dad I heard he was in
hospital oh he’s really good thanks for
asking
he’s actually I hope that I’m really
glad it was really amazing I know it was
really scary for that’s how you form
relationships hey did you ever get that
report on oh my god no I didn’t I’ll
help you out I’ve totally uh can I help
you out with that
really that’s how trust forms trust
doesn’t form at an event in a day even
bad times don’t form trust immediately
it’s the slow steady consistency and we
have to create mechanisms where we allow
for those little innocuous interaction
to happen but when we allow cell phones
and companies we just okay I have the
meeting and then my favorite is like
when there’s a cell phone there and you
go like this you go it rings again I’m
not gonna answer that mr. magnanimous
you know when you’re out for dinner with
your friends like I I do this with my
friends when we’re going out for dinner
and we’re leaving together we’ll leave
our cell phones at home who are we
calling maybe one of us will bring a
phone in case we need to call the new
idealist but I’m not insane I mean it
looked really good
we’ll take one phone and so it’s like an
alcoholic the reason you take the
alcohol out of the house it’s week week
is because we cannot trust our willpower
we’re just not strong enough but when
you remove the temptation it actually
makes it a lot easier and so when you
just say don’t check your phone people
literally will go like this and somebody
would go to the bathroom and what’s the
first thing we do because I wouldn’t
want to look around the restaurant for a
minute and a half you know but if you
don’t have the phone you just kind of
enjoy the world and that’s where ideas
happen the constant custom console
engagement is not where you have
innovation and ideas ideas happen when
our minds wander and we go and you see
something on they could do that that’s
called innovation right but we’re taking
away all those little moments right
you should not and none of us none of us
should charge our phones by our beds we
should be charging our phones in the
living rooms right remove the temptation
you wake up the middle night cuz you
can’t sleep you won’t check your phone
which makes it worse but if it’s in the
living room its relaxed it’s fine
oh yeah but it’s my alarm clock buy an
alarm clock
they cost $8
I’ll buy you in a while we have a
responsibility as marketers to help our
clients use technology to bring people
together we have a responsibility as
companies to offer the people who work
in our companies a sense that we are
helping them build their confidence that
we’re helping them overcome their
addictions that we’re gonna teach them
patience I’m gonna teach them how to
build strong personal relationships we
don’t have a choice we have a higher
burden upon us and there’s so many
little things that we can do that we are
failing horribly at there is so easy let
me show you one
can I borrow someone’s phone please
okay there is a subconscious reaction to
these devices when we use them okay what
if I were to hold my phone while I’m
talking to you I’m not checking it it’s
not buzzing it’s not beeping I’m not
even nothing I’m just holding it do you
feel at this moment that you are the
most important thing to me right now
no you do not because there is a
subconscious reaction we have to the
device when it is out it makes the
people around us feel that they are less
important so when walk we’re walking
down the halls in our offices and
somebody says hey boss can I ask you a
question you go sure what’s on your mind
we’ve just told them they’re not that
important or we can go sure what’s on
your mind and if you don’t have a pocket
find a shelf put it on the shelf come
back and say sure what’s on your mind
when we show up to a meeting or a lunch
or a dinner with our colleagues our
clients or our friends or our families
and we put the phone on the table we
have announced to everyone in the room
that they are not that important to us
and by the way putting the phone upside
down is not more polite my favorite one
is win the meeting or at a lunch with
someone that the phone will ring and the
caller ID will pop up and they will go
I’m not gonna get it oh so magnanimous
oh lucky to eat with you today
or they could just put the damn thing
away you can tell how addicted we are
when somebody pulls out their phone when
you rip them how uncomfortable does that
make us feel you’re walking down the
street with someone they pull their
phone out we feel stupid so what do we
do we pull our phones out we’re so
addicted somebody goes to the bathroom
when we’re at dinner and what do we have
to sit there by ourselves god forbid we
should look around the room for five
minutes we pull our phones out meetings
awful what do we do when a meeting
happens right everybody’s sitting
waiting for the meeting to start the
Bob’s running a few minutes late Bob’s
here okay start the meeting do you know
when relationships are built all that in
between time thank you very much
there’s a funny story that goes along
with how he came up with the title of
this book and we are all to blame here I
am writing a book about the import
of working with people interacting with
people human relationships and yet the
way I and the publisher interacted was
we would send emails to each other with
title suggestions every now and then we
get on the phone but it was mainly done
through email somebody would send a list
of their favorite and you know somebody
would write back
that’s junk I kind of liked that one and
it was a labored horrible process
no one ever we never agreed we it was
just it was just talking at each other
and coincidence I happen to be walking
past the publishers office and decided
to stick my head in and say hello
went upstairs and we sat down and within
I think 30 or 40 minutes we had a title
that we all fell in love with and what
you realize is is we can tell an idea to
someone over email but you can’t
interact and if you think about how
ideas really happen it’s not
presentation response presentation
response its interruption and backwards
and forwards and battling and saying no
no no that’s not what I mean and it’s
it’s messy and it’s the messiness that
cannot happen over and over an internet
connection over email because everything
is exact over you know it can it can
happen over the phone but it’s so much
better in person when you get to see
someone’s body language and you see the
frustration and try and extry extry told
each other stories as opposed to telling
each other what we think we it should be
and the story that I told was not being
able to understand what made the Marines
so amazing what they do i sat down with
the Marine Corps general general Flynn
actually who wrote the foreword for the
book and I said to him what makes the
Marines so great and he looked at me and
said officers eat last and it sort of
struck me that if you compare that to
the business world in the
entrepreneurial world entrepreneurs are
always told by yourself first look after
yourself first and yet I’m being told by
this Marine general that it’s the
complete opposite and there’s there’s a
symbolic gesture but more importantly
there’s a there’s an importance to it
there there’s a photograph I saw
you know in these Kenya shootings that
just happened not so long ago we had the
amazing experience that a photographer
happened to be in the building usually
we see the aftermath and here we now
have photographs of the actual shooting
going on and there’s one photograph that
was in the New York Times that both
haunted me and inspired me to this day
it wanted me and inspires me I should
say and if the photograph of a mother in
the sound of gunshots lays herself on
top of her child and you see this
picture of a mother lying on top of her
child and you realize that’s what it is
that’s what leadership is that when
there is danger it’s not protecting
myself but it’s rather willing to put
myself in harm’s way to protect another
that’s what eating last means it means
that I will give the very the very
essence of life food and water I will
give it to the person I love first so
that they may live even if it means I
eat less and that’s what officers eat
last means it is symbolic but it is also
very real and real leadership real
leaders I’ve even given up the
terminology of good leaders and great
leaders you’re either a leader or you’re
not a leader that’s it real leaders
biological anthropological leaders are
are that mother
who instinctively without weighing the
pros and cons or the bad things that may
happen to her throw herself on their
child that’s what leadership is you know
do we believe that our our leaders would
throw themselves on us you know if they
heard gunshots if if the economy shook
would they quickly throw themselves on
us that that’s that’s what leaders eat
last means it is very literal it is very
very literal success is an elusive thing
right what is it and I think it’s very
interesting that if most people can’t
define success well it means you made X
amount of dollars or but if you make X
amount of dollars but you spend more are
you successful or what means you come
home happy every day okay how do you
know when you’re happy you know so I
think success is a funny thing which is
we all seem to pursue it but we don’t
know how to measure it or actually how
to define it so how do you pursue
something that you can’t measure
fascinating so when people say to me how
do you measure success the question we
all have to ask ourselves am i
successful I don’t know I mean I had a
good year last year and what does that
mean does that mean I made a lot of
money does that mean I was really happy
oh I’ll let you decide right maybe
neither maybe both I had a good year
last year but am i successful and the
answer is no I don’t feel I am because
I’m trying to build a world that doesn’t
exist yet I’m trying to build a world in
which 90% of people go home at the end
of the day feeling fulfilled by the work
that they do so I definitely took a step
a big step forward towards that goal but
I’m still so far away so somebody said
to me then how do you know if you’re
successful and the answer is if it can
go by itself and so it is more
interesting to me as a measurement of
success is not the the the markers per
se it’s not the the financial goal or
the the size of the house that you want
to buy those it nice things go for it
those are but those are not measurements
of success those are just nice things to
collect along the way for me its
momentum
I want to measure momentum which is you
know when when something is moving you
start to see a Luo
to momentum you give it a push because
if you don’t get it pushed it’s gonna
stop and an object in stasis is much
harder to get going it requires a lot
more energy to get something started
than it does to keep it going right and
so if you don’t let it stop and you can
keep it going it’s this you know it
still might slow down down there but you
can get it going again much easier and
for me the opportunity is to get the
ball rolling faster and faster and
faster and faster and faster and bigger
and bigger and bigger and Slyke it’s
Noble and my responsibility is because
it’s not rolling downhill yet it’s not
on automatic yet I need to still keep it
going to find that critical mass where
it can go and at the point it can go by
itself without me then I will find
something else to do and that may not
happen in my lifetime I think we must
all stop measuring promotions salaries
and these things but rather measure the
momentum of your career does my career
have momentum can I see it moving in the
right direction can I see it gathering
moss
you know can I see that it’s easy
becoming easier for me to keep the
momentum it’s becoming easier for me to
grow the size of this thing it’s it’s
requiring less effort that’s the thing
we need to measure that’s the thing that
we need to be cognizant of which is the
momentum of our career is not just the
the markers that we think define our
success it’s consistency versus
intensity you can’t get in shape by
going to the gym for nine hours doesn’t
work that way but if you go to the gym
every single day for 20 minutes you will
absolutely get into shape consistency
matters more than intensity intensity is
going to the dentist twice a year as
prescribed and if you only did that all
your teeth will fall out
we like intensity because it’s easy to
measure
I know exactly what time I’m going to
the dentist I know the date I know how
long I’m gonna be there and I could I
know the results this is how we teach
leadership we have a big seminar we have
an off-site we have a couple speakers
everybody gets a certificate we give the
speakers high reviews 8.5 I had a great
time I am a leader now no you don’t fall
in love with one big beautiful dinner
and a bouquet of flowers it’s the little
stuff
it’s brushing your teeth every day for
two minutes in the morning and two
minutes in the evening by itself it does
nothing
nothing it’s the consistency it’s the
repeat that makes our teeth healthy and
that’s how relationships are built to
the way we build friendships the way we
build trust the way we build camaraderie
is when we’re waiting for Bob because
we’re a little late because he’s a
little late we talk hey I heard your dad
was in the hospital is he okay
oh yeah thank you he’s much better he’s
home now thank you for asking hey
whatever happened with that client I
heard something exploded oh my god it
was insane by itself it does nothing but
when we create environments in which
those kinds of conversations happen on a
daily basis by removing the technology
and allowing people to connect you will
see a rise in trust a rise in
cooperation you will see a building of
confidence you’ll see an ability to rely
on people and why is it important to
rely on people and trust people so we
can create environments of vulnerability
vulnerability doesn’t mean walking
around crying vulnerability means
creating environment which somebody
feels safe enough to raise their hand
and say I made a mistake I don’t know
what I’m doing you asked me to do a job
I feel ill-equipped to do I’m scared I’m
nervous I’m lonely
we haven’t done that and we’ve
unfortunately exaggerated so many of
these things we’ve made the feelings
worse when are you at your best
I met my best when I’m around people who
believe what I believe I know it seems
silly but I try very very hard to sort
of stack the deck you know to put myself
in a position of strength so for example
you know somebody asked me just
yesterday have you ever had sort of a
bad you know engagement I was thinking
myself I’m like not really but it’s not
because I’m some sort of sort of genius
are they sending anything like that it’s
because I stack the deck it’s because I
want to be there I want to be around
people who want me there in other words
if I’m somebody’s tenth choice and like
you know I’ll probably turn it down
whereas if I’m their first choice they
really want me there and so I’m more
likely to have a good engagement they’re
supportive of me I’m supportive of them
and so yeah I’m at my best was like when
I stack the deck when I choose to be in
an environment where when my strengths are are there
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