the state were in in the moment
powerfully impacts the meaning that we
associate to something or that we assign
to something so one way to change what
things mean you just change your darn
state it’s that true I mean if you’re
feeling great new things just kind of
bounce off you that normally if you’re
feeling upset would you change the way
you look at and probably change the way
you feel about it you bet so we need to
really still manage our state we talked
about that a great deal last session I
want to make sure that that’s part of
your life’s work your life’s work is
really learning how to live in a way we
just spend most of your time enjoying
yourself very little time and paying
most your time implies your very little
pain and living your life hopefully in a
way where not only do you feel good all
the time but the people around you feel
good just by being around you that
because they’re around you they feel a
lot less pain and kind of pleasure to
have my idea success success is when
you’ve learned to live your life in a
way where you experience tons of
pleasure every day and almost no pain
and simultaneously where the way you
live also causes the people around you
to experience very little pain and tons
of pleasure then you know you’re really
successful because if you feel good and
nobody else does you’re a failure now
that doesn’t mean you go around trying
to make everybody feel good some people
have an investment in feeling bad
because they think feeling bad equals
feeling good are the people to believe
that yes or no because they think if I
feel bad then people will notice me or
they’ll love me more they’ll help me
more I’ll get more attention which means
feeling good people have weird crap they
we were going to come inside their head
about how to get to feeling good some of
you think I’m gonna feel good when I
make a billion dollars
some people like when I have this this
and this when I get married to have
these many children business then I’ll
feel good some people have well I’ll
feel good if I feel bad because then
people knows me and make me feel good or
you can just like choose to feel good
which one you think might be a more
intelligent approach cuz who’s in
control there you are you don’t to worry
about the environment by the way when
you’re feeling good it tends to make you
want to feel better it makes you share
good feelings other people which makes
them feel good which makes them
reciprocate usually not always we
usually
kinda nice so the bottom line is we’ve
got to manage our state still and as a
reminder as far as that’s concerned
changing state means changed the meaning
and the way you can do it is either by
changing your wet and Ben remember from
last session change your wet change your
way change your physiology physiology
again means the way you move the way you
breathe your facial expressions your
gestures the way to use your body
determines the way you feel you gotta
remember that for the rest of your life
if you’re not feeling the way you want
to feel first thing you do is just came
to where you’re moving emotion is
created by what motion emotion is
created by motion there are 50 muscles
in your face a slight change and leave
these muscles will radically change the
way you feel and we did this last time I
think what I like you do right now real
quick
it’s create some tension in your body
some tension then put a big huge smile
on your face while you’re doing it
notice I filled how many feel somewhat
excited when you feel this and he sees
our hands
you know why excitement has tension in
it the only difference is you send a
different biochemistry in your body to
fire off different bio chemicals when
you make a smile physically it changes
you wanna get depressed what do you do
drop your shoulders look down breathe
shallow drool I change what you move
some people have limited emotions
because they have limited motion or
trying to express their feelings they go
have something important I want to share
Gillis versus listen to me come on let’s
make this happen let’s do this
you understand I’m talking about here
more emotion you have the more emotion
you have and the certain emotions you’re
not feeling because you’re not making
certain movements happen in your face I
want to change that you want to go for
more see did I mention to you last time
when we talked about how certain people
willing to get it for a long time to
give a look like each other damage
remember why cuz in order be in rapport
you like people like us so we mirror
back similar facial expressions you do
it enough that they literally mold our
muscles to be in that way we use those
kinds of emotions on an ongoing basis
how people look like their dog I don’t
have the explanation for that I don’t
know if they’re mirroring in that case
right there’s a big somebody like you’re
right let’s see the thing we got to
realize is we’ve got a control or
physiology so throughout this day as
last time I want you to remember to live
at level 10 remember that means living
level 10 means you got to do is ask
yourself on a scale from zero to ten
where’s my level of energy zero is dead
ten is unstoppable which level is gonna
allow you to get more of this weekend
which 110 without a doubt if nothing
else happens from you coming to these
fortune programs but every time you get
here you demand from yourself for four
days a little level ten you think you
might develop a little stronger
emotional muscle yes or no and pretty
soon what used to be hard to do like
demanding ten is the way you live it’s
easy it’s like you can live that way
easy no problem and now you go home you
live at that level does that impact your
patience yes or no does that impact each
other and then I office yes or no does
it impact your home life does that
impact those ecstacy ideas we had about
the relationship at home yes see if your
level 10 every time with your personal
relationship with that enhance it yes or
no so how do you determine with your a
10 or not you decide to go there and the
way you decide to go there is you gotta
ask yourself in regular basis where am I
see I found the more you measure
something the better it gets if you
don’t measure it you’re not gonna do
well you set a goal on New Year’s Eve
and you check next New Year’s you’re in
trouble because you had one correction
it was at the end of year it’s too late
once a month you got a better chance
once a week you can really have
once a day you won’t have a bag here you
won’t have a bad month wish a bad day
more we measure the better we get so
we’ve got to do is ask yourself where
are we on a scale from zero to ten where
are you right now let’s go from zero to
ten hmm sit right now like you would if
you’re at level 10 that’s clear you
weren’t a ten then that’s it come on so
the way you’d be at level ten I mean
absolutely totally energized excited
having fun being outrageous and playful
super even sitting right now for your
level ten come on
and most of all you’re not a ten come on
come on this is not ten let me see ten
here come on even more energy come on
most of you will probably have to make
some noise are you somebody body to get
to level ten come on wake you bow to you
come on come on come on come on come on
and imagine trying to learn in this pace
now I want you to commit you’re not
going to drop below level 8 for the rest
of the weekend are you under that yes or
no yes or no great
now if it’s tough to stay at level 10
you want to put yourself at level 20 so
just as a reminder stand up remember we
do this to put ourselves in a yes state
I’ll remember what that means good then
what I want you to do right now is take
off your jackets you have that not your
blouse man just the jacket now we’re
gonna put ourselves in that yes state
we’re gonna put ourselves in that state
I talked about last time member I gave
you a metaphor the last time we were
together a reminder I said there’s a
puddle of water here in front of me and
I’m an old person I got out of that
water what will I do now and I just walk
around it I’ll walk right in and bitch
about it wall I walk around it okay but
if I’m a kid how do I deal with a puddle
yes little mats the state we’re going in
all those ones that for the weekend say
I if you’re in that state and somebody
like team Long’s again how’d it get feel
would that be a healthy response on this
okay looking for new ways be hissing get
this person would that be more healthy
yes or no sure it’s more playful to more
outrageous
next time somebody is real bitchy just
real bitchy back we’ll do it funny well
that break your pattern yeah you’re
gonna piss them off even more well at
least we’re moving them in some
direction so when I say now what you’re
gonna do is you’re gonna wake your body
up like a little kid again you gonna
scream wait wait wait wait yeah
screaming you’ll be totally outraged is
like a kid if you weren’t here before
you’ll catch on quick then at the peak
of our being totally bizarre weird
outrageous playful seductive fun
adventurous and outrageous again but
we’re gonna do it the pika dadoes we’re
gonna go and we’re caught my hands and
say they would guess right at that
moment and when you copy in say and say
yes at that moment your job’s getting
more energy more excitement more
outrageous just in the moment before
we’ll do it faster and faster they amble
to the world clap but what I want you to
do is go to level 20 on this on a scale
from zero to ten you’re gonna go to
level 20 you know that’s impossible
that’s why we’re going to do it cuz also
once you’ve been to level 20 level 10
feels like you’re relaxing by contrast
okay first let’s just try the word yes
good now let’s put it all together yeah
we’ll get again be outrageous traits and
now I believe you how many Ranaut level
three now some of you here for the first
time I would have I got myself into it
it’s a cult
it’s the yes cult now how do you get a
mouthful you push yourself beyond what’s
comfortable and you do it consistently
and that creates growth so we’re gonna
do it again I barely survived the first
one outside again ready wait I’ll be all
[Applause]
now in this state if somebody had some
petty upset with you could you handle it
great then get a bouncing hug from the
all right we said there were two ways
though that we could change our state
one was a change our what now nice and
loud or the other is to change our focus
change the way we’re representing things
to ourselves like picturing things in
our head is one way we focus somebody
else’s show up on time we picture our
head I’ll see why because they’re out
there messing around does it don’t care
about me cuz listen listen is another
one we focuses by white we say to
ourselves we represent oh well they’re
not doing it probably because they don’t
really love me we talk to ourselves in
certain ways like Italy’s negative
feelings but if we change what we focus
on we change what we feel if you think
of something you’re afraid of and you
focus on it we feel it you bet if you
wanted to feel depressed right now how
many could pull it off no problem how
would you do it you remember don’t you
the reminder here just put yourself in a
lousy physiology or easily by the way
you could do it of course mess up your
biochemistry eat in a way that drops
your blood sugar do the floor or an ass
good you pull it off all you have to do
is think of something that once happened
it made you feel bad something I’m gonna
pass and remember it again that seems
very intelligent doesn’t it and feel bad
about it once again how many of you
would go to a movie that was terrible
over and over and over and over again
how many would think that would be real
intelligent let me see your hands
if you like one of your friends said
yeah one look I hate sucks I’m going
back there again intention is my got
about 4,000 what would you probably ask
them why would you go back there well
because I have to
would you believe them I don’t believe
you either when you tell me that but I
always believed in you cuz I know you
know better you don’t need to go those
movies anymore they’re a bunch of miss
anyway made by poor directors lousy
writers lousy producers you’re a better
producer director and writer now you’re
probably a better actor or actress so
why not create it the way you want it
it’s the scene the same old movies over
and over again most producers I know
don’t sit and watch their worst movies
over and over and over again and feel
bad about them again
what the Muslim do is they go that was
part of my learning experience time to
move on
how else could you
and by the way you could do it currently
couldn’t you all you have to do is think
of something you think you’ve lost that
maybe hasn’t even happened well think of
something that you want but you’re not
getting right now I feel bad about it or
you could think of something it hasn’t
even happened yet
and feel bad about it in advance can you
do that like oh my god and focus on what
if this happens oh oh they’re all gosh
remember a coward dies a thousand deaths
because the coward runs it through the
head of eight million times it feels
like they’re dying a million times you
have any faith any courage that if it
really ever does happen you’ll just deal
with it once you feel the pain only one
time sort of stacked over and over and
over and over again you want to feel
good could you do that
sure would a producer go back to some of
their best movies and see them again do
you think yes or no will they even share
some of those movies with their friends
you know what some people do somebody
likes to take the worst moves that pass
and go share them with their friends
their worst movies tell them all about
all the gory details of it and the
Franklin’s yeah that’s really great
let’s see a real great producer director
shows in their current films shows them
some examples of films that about to
come called previews previews a rather
exciting usually or they show them the
best films of the past and share those
with them so the people get to enjoy
more of their life maybe even learn
something who knows you can remember
something once happen it was great feel
good about it you can think something
right now that you can feel great about
or you could think of something hasn’t
even happened yet and feel good about it
in advance what determines what you
focus on though is one thing the
questions you ask yourself a question
you ask yourself determine what you
focus on in that moment what questions
you ask are usually controlled by your
beliefs but you could ask any question
but unless you do it consciously you’ll
just ask the same questions that are in
line with your old beliefs your old BS
belief systems so the bottom line is
we’re gonna have better questions and I
will tell you the question I want you to
learn to ask the next time you get upset
with someone it’s the first question I
would ask myself if I were you what else
could this mean what else could this
mean I will know a person is intelligent
when I say this one is have a nice
target
I thought to myself what else could this
mean you know maybe it doesn’t mean what
I think it means maybe they weren’t
really being harsh maybe what means is
their stress maybe what I’m hearing from
this person about what they said about
me is not true maybe what it really is
is a distortion not that they mean to
distort but it’s a distortion maybe what
I’ve heard this person said about me as
a deletion maybe this person is
generalizing maybe this person heard
through somebody else maybe that person
misinterpreted what I said maybe this
whole thing isn’t accurate
maybe it’s accurate but they’re stressed
maybe I’m just stressed right now maybe
what this really means is I’m stressed I
need to get more resourceful and be more
loving and I can handle maybe what this
is what this means is it’s a chance for
me to go to the next level what else
could this mean you’re only upset when
you’ve decided on a meaning that creates
an upset so if you’re feeling upset what
else could this mean cuz again how many
of you have ever thought something meant
something I’ve been upset about it later
on fine you were wrong how many have
done this so wouldn’t be smart as a
first step to always ask what else could
this mean and search for other
possibilities see with my friends I
always do this if I care about somebody
I always do this and what I’ve learned
to do is even people I didn’t so much
care about or didn’t even know what else
could this mean see that makes your
whole life open up and expand see once
you think you know what everything means
you’re in deep trouble because then
you’re a kid you don’t happen you just
have this big giant doorway but then you
became an adult and you notice the door
you start to say I know how this door
works and you close it a little bit he
said I know in the world isn’t closed it
more I know the world isn’t pretty soon
now you know how the world is you
absolutely know how the world would see
when your kid you didn’t know how the
world was it was just amazing how big
the world was it was amazing how much
wonder there was in the world and what
you can learn how much you grow a
stimulated you where you stimulate about
all kinds of things because you didn’t
know for sure what everything was you’re
always curious about what things were
but as an adult you now know what
everything is and if it doesn’t fit in
there it’s wrong
we want to open a door back open by
saying well yeah but what else could it
mean what else could it mean what else
could it mean what else could it mean
what else could it mean feel a little
freer hmm got a question I tend to ask
myself is do I know everything there is
to know about this do I know everything
there is to know about this somebody
says something to you they’re really
upset with you or somebody raises their
voice I mean say me what else could it
mean well
kameena stress could mean an understand
could mean they don’t even realize
they’re yelling could mean that they
need some support could mean what I know
it means it’s a cry for help could mean
that I’m oversensitive right now could
means I react to voice tonality instead
of real feelings could mean that could
mean nothing could just be something
that came a win do I know everything
there is to know about this no I don’t
know everything guys know about this I
mean there’s all kinds of things could
be going on I don’t know opened your
world again we’re gonna teach you to do
this in a format that makes sense now
the thing that happens though if we want
to be able to really take control of our
meaning is we gotta pay attention to our
emotions so in your notes write down
emotions under emotions you know in fact
you might want to write there were
negative emotions negative emotions
negative emotions and then so you write
it down cross it out the word negative
anyway what are some of your negative
emotions tell me what they are
fear what else pommie hate what else
anger what else guilt what else worry
what else upset guilt what else
frustration I got a question for you
are they really negative I’m going to
tell you there’s no way they’re negative
every emotion you’ve ever had in your
life serves a purpose the problem the
reason it’s negative is you’ve been
calling it negative instead of getting
the message it’s been trying to give you
every emotion you have including those
you think of as negative those ones you
call negative emotions I call them
emotional messages I also call them
calls to action all those negative
emotions is used to label them are
really a call to action
fear is a call to action by the way do
you feel that call to action in your
body
when you’re afraid yes or no does your
dremel and start pumping your whole
system start gearing up emotions recall
to action and the call to action says
one of two things has to happen that
call a machen it’s a message every
emotion is a message a call to action
and the action of the message is trying
to give you is that you need to change
either number one your perception of
this or number two your current actions
every negative emotion you’ve ever felt
is not negative now you may be overusing
them I’ll agree with you you may be
indulging in them I agree with you you
may not be getting them message from
them what’s making it negative is you’re
not getting the message it’s trying to
give you but every emotion fear
frustration hate anger guilt all of
those emotions are here to serve you if
you get quick the message what most of
us do is we just indulge in the emotion
so we never get the message and that’s
why it’s a negative because it starts
screwing up your body because what it is
is a signal signal the act and you’re
not acting that’s why you feel sick to
your stomach you’re not acting you just
keep on indulging emotion not hearing
the message so the message is always you
must change something negative emotions
are saying you’ve got to change
something either change the way you’re
perceiving this change the meaning you
link to this change your perception
change your focus or change your actions
change what you’re doing cause it didn’t
working that’s why you’re having that
emotion
don’t make your motions wrong I
appreciate them be grateful for them but
immediately then ask yourself hey what’s
the message that my emotion is trying to
give me here what do I need to change
I’m reception or my actions this makes
sense yes now so then how do we make use
of it well first of all notice this how
do most of us deal with our emotions
most of us deal with our emotions by
suppressing them back before you write
that down actually I put over here four
ways to deal with emotions four ways to
deal with emotions I think the number
one way most people do with their
emotions is they try to avoid them by
the way how effective is that no you
might do it for a moment or two but most
people they just try to avoid feeling
isn’t that true
people like who don’t like the feeling
think if there’s a so afraid of many
things I try not to feel any feelings
now if you don’t feel any feelings you
really gonna have some pain that’s what
life is for life is part of the juice of
life is expressing
feeling but sometimes people had so much
pain they say I don’t feel anything it
never works because eventually comes out
anyway and then you feel bad about never
having felt bad you feel bad about the
fact you didn’t feel good you have a
sense of loss because you didn’t feel
things second way people try and deal
with emotions as they endure them
they’re gonna grunt it out
we’re under these I’m gonna make it
through this I’ll hang on to this and
again this doesn’t work now they may try
and disassociate after a while here
again or they may try and suppress the
emotion I’ll just endure it I’ll just
keep pushing it down and I’ll make it
through it I’ll just endure it that
doesn’t make it better either Third Way
what some people do I don’t know if
you’ve ever seen this happen I’m sure
you’ve never done this people compete to
see who feels the worst some people just
they keep track of their emotions so
they can share them with other people
and compete so somebody says oh man I
feel like hell oh you feel like hell let
me tell you I feel you think you got a
problem let me tell you my problem you
think you got the biggest problem check
out my problem it stands out too here
and people sit there and try and argue
about who’s got the worst problem thank
or the fourth thing they don’t have up
there that say the fourth thing that
people do is try and share their pain
share their problem they think oh I can
get rid of my motion by sharing with
others they try and get other people to
feel bad do that way we’ll be friends we
can share in the pain together we must
love each other are these very
intelligent ways to build your emotions
yes or no now you don’t want to avoid
them you don’t want to endure them you
don’t want to compete who’s got the
biggest and worst emotion
try make yours worse than somebody
else’s you don’t want to share them make
them feel bad too what a friend you are
instead what you want to do is step 5
learn from them and utilize them you
want to learn from them and utilize them
now in order to learn something utilize
the more a change in emotion we have to
change what something what’s to us
starts with an end we have to change
what something whyatt means to us we
change what something means we transform
our emotion we have a transformation
does that make sense in other words if
I’m feeling really upset about Sun I’m
angry angry angry do I have to
communicate that to get off my anger now
I’m not necessarily I’m angry because of
the meaning I linked up what if I change
what it means in my am that real I said
that’s not what it means then what I
feel angry yes or no yes or no if I’m
really angry about something I’m angry
because of what I’ve linked up to it I’m
saying well I’m angry because they did
that and that means this but if I really
analyze it and I look at it for a while
I go that’s much a crap it doesn’t
really mean that then I’ve transformed
my feeling do I now have to go that
person and say what you did made me
angry yes or no yes or no no because I
don’t have that feeling I truly don’t
have it I’m not suppressing it I
transformed it suppression however is
when you keep the same meaning that you
keep the same meaning you’re upset about
something and you’d heat the same
meaning you don’t change the meaning all
you try and do just stuff the emotion
you try to pretend it’s not there
that’s suppression so if you keep the
same negative emotion you don’t change
how you feel about it you just try and
pretend it’s not there that’s
suppression and that’s when you get in
trouble so our goal is not just to take
things and not suppress them and just
express whatever we feel because if you
just go express whatever you feel you
don’t think it out are you gonna always
communicate well yes or no now in fact
you may say things later on you’ll
regret in the heat of the moment because
you’re in state so what you first want
to do is see if you can transform it
honestly and sincerely and if you can’t
then your goal is to get someone to help
you to transform it go to the source and
get the source to help you to transform
this
so you know what I felt this way about
this I made it this bizarre meaning I
know it’s not true because I know who
you really are but this is like a crap I
did in my head can you help me today to
change this can you give me some more
information or some feedback or help me
to clarify this thing I’m kind of screw
this up in my brain because I know
that’s not what you meant that’s what I
did inside my head
yeah it’s that different then you know
something the other day when you do this
I felt this which by the way implies
what they did made you feel something is
that true yes or no does anybody do
anything and make you feel something yes
or no yes or no absolutely not
absolutely not naive a right to feel the
way you feel but that isn’t true that
it’s actually what made you feel that
way you chose to make yourself feel that
way you communicate that to your self so
instead of saying when you do this that
made me feel this that’s implying that
somebody made you do something that
takes responsibility away from the one
person who can change your life meaning
you so I request them as uture this
nothing wrong with any of that I want to
do is enhance it the way one enhance it
is come from the place of I’m
communicating as I want to transform
something and I’m responsible not them
you know I need your help and your help
the other day with this thing I’ll
happen I use that to interpret that to
mean this and I know it’s not true
because I know who you are I need some
clarity can you help me out I gotta
clean this up and mean who’s responsible
by the way well they want to help you
yes or no by the way what you’re really
doing here is making clear what you’re
really doing which is you’re doing a cry
for help maybe not crying you’re making
a request for help instead of crying
make sense and people here this is a
request for help
do we want to help other people yes or
no especially else we’re all in the
helping business that’s why we do what
we do that’s the bottom line so we’re
gonna develop a format like this where
we don’t suppress well we don’t just
express because you know what happens
and you just go out there whatever you
feel you express what you really do is
you vent and then you make it right or
you demand it see venting and demanding
does not make communication better in
the long term how many would agree with
me on this I want to go to a different
level we want to transform our
communication
when it transformed what things mean to
us now here’s what I want to be able to
have you do I want you to be able to
take the emotions that you’re
experiencing and be able to deal with
them quickly so I want to give you six
steps to changing or dealing with not
dealing with it
I guess utilizing is the right word six
steps to utilizing any emotions you feel
that you used to call negative which now
I call emotional messages or calls to
what calls to action whenever you’re
feeling a negative emotion which we’re
now going to call emotional messages
it’s a call to action and a saying you
need to change something what do you
need to change one of two things repeat
back what are then change either number
one you’re wet know while you could
change the physiology but if you are
getting feedback right now you’re
getting a negative emotion that negative
emotion is a message it’s saying you got
to change either your perception or your
actions and your actions could be the
way using your body or your focus or
whatever change your perception of your
actions now here’s what happens when you
get a negative emotion or now an
emotional message number one you want to
identify what the emotion is so you
start to feel negative things wanted if
I what is the emotion now when you
identify the emotion what the emotion is
like you’re feeling you’re really upset
ask yourself well what am I really
feeling underneath this you might like
it under question what am I really
so when you say I’m upset
what am I really feeling and what might
your answer be when you say what am I
really feeling I’m upset with this
person what am I really feeling I might
be feeling hurt does that change how you
feel in that moment you identify that
yes or no yes and when you say what am I
really feeling you might put a little
note in your notes use some TV use some
TV when you come up with your label
transformational what vocabulary so
instead of saying I’m destroyed I’m
devastated I’m humiliated you might say
I’m feeling a little bit hurt use TV and
use what I call softeners softeners are
the words like a little bit both
softeners and TV here’s the second key
once you’ve identified what it is and by
the way usually it’s gonna be I have a
sense of hurt or a sense of loss almost
all emotions will probably come down
that in most cases is that true in most
cases not all second thing you do
acknowledge and appreciate the message
it has for you don’t deny your emotions
don’t avoid your emotions don’t suppress
your emotions don’t make them wrong
don’t share them start by identifying
what they really are and then
acknowledge and appreciate the message
it has for you
in other words acknowledge hey this is a
real emotion I’m glad I’m having it it’s
gonna have a great message for me then
go to step 3
get incredibly curious get incredibly
curious as to what it has to offer you
as to what the message is get incredibly
curious as to what the message is
underneath this one number three and you
get incredibly curious as to what the
message is write down the question what
is the real message this emotion is
giving me what is the real message this
emotion is trying to give me what is the
real message of some motion is trying to
give me and offer you some ways to do
this let’s do the all six those you know
we’re going step 4 get the question on 3
some you’re still there question number
three is what is the message this
emotion is trying to give me what’s the
real message number four get yourself to
feel reassured that you can deal with
this emotion
get yourself to feel reassured then you
can deal with us emotion see a lot of
times the stress is oh my god how am I
gonna deal with this so get yourself
reassured you can deal the motion the
way you do that is remember a time when
you dealt with this emotion successfully
in the past we’re a member of time when
you’ve dealt with this emotion
successfully in the past so if all of a
sudden you start to feel depressed
that’s pretty negative feeling I first
of all wouldn’t call it depression I’d
say a little bit down but first thing
you do is you go all can feel this
terrible feeling fine start feel
depressed well what am I really feeling
well I’m really just feeling a little
bit down okay great you know what that’s
great I appreciate that’s a message I
need to get curious what is that message
what’s the message of this thing’s
trying to give me and what depressions
message usually is by the way is you
need to reset your priorities that you
don’t feel like you’re in control that
you’ve got too many things going at once
you know you feel out of control when
you’re depressed so what you do is set
some priorities and go do the first one
on your list that’s what the message is
telling you you feel out of control the
way to get in control reset your
priorities and go do one thing and
complete it the minute you do your
self-esteem will go right back up so
that’s the message so what’s the message
it’s offering me by the way I’m gonna
teach you the nine most powerful
emotions that you probably experience
what their messages are so you don’t
have to wonder about this you’ll know
what they are
step 4 get yourself to feel reassured by
remembering times will you dealt with us
in the past and you ever fell a little
bit down before what used to call it
perhaps how many have ever felt that way
in the past in this use of hands how
many of dealt with it let me show you
some hands
great if you remember that two things
happen you’re gonna feel reassured you
can deal with it plus you’re gonna
remember how you did it which means you
can use what you did in the past to
change it right now why wait most of us
forget the best parts of our past which
is how we dealt with things and turn
them around we just remember the
negative feelings that’s kind of weird
and we need to manage our memories
better remember the things that have
resources for us and forget the things
that don’t number five get certain
yet certain that you can handle anything
like this in the future get certain not
only can you deal with the emotion you
have right now but what you should do is
use this as an opportunity being certain
for yourself get yourself certain if it
ever happens the future I’ll handle this
emotion quicker and easier get certain
that you can handle anything like this
in the future by rehearsing your self
dealing with it in the future in other
words think of a time in the future
where this depression could come up and
see yourself feel yourself rehearsing
again use this as a tool of empowerment
so you remember time when you were
depressed before a little bit down you
turn it around took you a while we can
turn around remember what you did I
dealt with this before I can deal it
again and then you say let me take this
opportunity to get certain that I can
handle this if it ever came up in the
future no way I’m gonna do that I’m
gonna sit down right now I’m gonna think
I’m okay what kind of things might
happen the future I might get well I
might expect some didn’t work feel bad
about it let me think of a time like
that okay let me see myself hear myself
feel myself deal with it you see here
and feel yourself dealing with it easily
and you do this two or three or four
times and you keep doing it two three or
four times then in the future when it
comes up guess what your brain will do
you’re better than all I can handle this
I’m already prepared how many you’re
following logic with this let me see
your hands okay so get certain you can
deal with in future by rehearsing and by
the way remember this you might want to
put this in your notes your brain cannot
tell the difference between something
you vividly imagine and something you
actually experience your brain cannot
tell the difference between something
you vividly imagine well you see it you
hear it you feel you taste it you touch
it you smell it and you’re in your mind
and something that actually occurs if
you doubt this have you ever had a dream
it was so real you got every physical
response to it how many had a dream like
that okay you can have a dream anytime
you want even while you’re awake all you
have to do is rehearse something your
mind enough times vividly enough and
it’s real if you over and over again
rehearse yourself dealing with emotion
easily then it’s real next time it comes
up you’ve already got the programming
you already have the resources to turn
around in a heartbeat
then this emotional message it’s dealt
with for the future not just for today
and the sixth step take action and
change your life whatever the message is
take the action that you need to take
and change your life do something doing
something always will change how you
feel
you feel bad because you’re not doing
anything and by the way you’ll continue
to feel bad until you do something to
change so you do anything it’ll improve
you and move you in the direction you
want to go so let’s take another example
what’s another a negative emotion you
feel that’s you’re an example when you
felt recently somebody raised your hand
rejection so what’s the first step when
you think you’re feeling rejection
what’s step number one oh my gosh what
is it identify it specifically identify
what the emotion really is let’s call it
that identify what the emotion really is
identify what the emotion really is so
you ask yourself what am I really
feeling so a person said rejection what
were you really feeling Shh no let him
answer that’s your answer his answer was
disappointment is that different than
rejection yes or no yes or no yes and by
the way when he realizes he’s just
disappointed it’s not as intense as
rejection is it what happened with one
question his pain just dropped still
painful probably but not any one he was
intense am i false or true women okay
great now so he’s disappointed great so
now he knows what he really is
disappointed he might even add some TV
or a softener here and the softener
might be he might say I was a what a
little bit disappointed a little bit
this point okay that makes it even less
now what does he do
number two does he make himself wrong
for feeling that way yes or no yes or no
what does he do he’s acknowledged and
what else appreciate the fact that he’s
getting a very valuable message and the
message he needs to change something
easy to change his perception about it
so he’s no longer disappointed do I need
to change his actions so he doesn’t be
disappointed now or in the future
step 3 wasn’t you do get incredibly what
like a little kid what curious what
we’re curious do we learn things more we
learn better more curious you bet she
needs to get incredibly curious about
what this message has to offer him if
you were really curious what do you
think that message really had to offer
perhaps this was just an unmet
expectation that was playing place up
here and it wasn’t even reality what’s
happening to his level of emotional
intensity right now how many see that
it’s dropping can you see that okay it’s
dropping right out you’re great
can you remember time next step is get
himself really wet real a great and the
way to do that is get him to what
remembered Tommy’s daughter
have you ever been disappointed before
and dealt with it can you remember a
specific time and you turned it around
made it good remember specific one think
for a moment time we turn around and mid
gray you actually took a minute to your
advantage
remember time like that how’d that feel
so you know how to deal with us don’t
you
I had a question for it what did you do
back then that changed it he redefined
the terms he’s gonna use he changed his
perception or his rules great how about
feel when you resolved it so great so
when he goes to reassure this to things
happen in the reassurance one is he sees
he can deal with it he sees and feels he
can deal with this easily and number two
he sees how and number three he
remembers how good it feels to relieve
himself from the feeling so he remembers
how good it feels to get rid of it which
by the way makes him want to get rid of
it right now once the last two steps
step number five what do we want to make
sure we make sure he doesn’t just not
feel bad about anymore now but we want
to make sure his future is better we
want to get him what get what certain
that he can handle this in the future so
he probably feels pretty certain right
now but you know what I’d like you to do
like I think some other area in life
where it possibly in life you could have
gotten disappointed in the future some
kind of thing that might come up do you
think it’s something that could come up
and do that Lucky’s already knows close
your eyes for a minute just Ramon what I
want you to do is I want you to think of
that things starting to happen we start
to get disappointed or feel rejected
actually is what you did initially then
you realize you’re just desponding then
you just handle it see yourself handling
in the future even better than you have
in the past and notice a good at feel
from any gambling can you feel that
think of another time something else
that could happen in the future
where it might been a real real major
disappointment
but see yourself handling real quickly
real easy getting off and making it work
and notice how good you feel soon as you
handling forget it do it one more time
do three the third one some other area
life we were really disappointed see and
feel yourself handling that real easily
real quickly to get it good how do you
feel about your ability to deal with us
in the future more confident
how many can hear in his voice you hear
that either depth in his voice the last
thing is go take action change it he may
have already done that if it was
changing a perception or you can go do
it physically how many follow the system
okay we’re gonna do one more I need a
volunteer up here so everybody can see
this person because if you want to saw a
spacious now change somebody who’s had
an emotion that you really you know
recently had to bug you or create some
negative feeling free somebody’s got one
of those Oh nobody in the whole room I
don’t want to be out there I don’t know
what it’ll do oh boy all this all these
people here appointment this guy here
that your staff pointing at you dr. Bob
dr. Bob give me in yes indeed great yes
sir he’s gonna reward you guys for this
later
he probably will actually dr. Bob what’s
the negative amount negative message a
negative feeling that you’ve had
recently that you’d like to change
you really are committed to changing
that’s been bugging you disappoint me to
rejection well it seems like that’s
going around let’s be catching rejection
virus people are spreading it okay well
which one would you like to deal with
are they tied together well actually
it’s a pony what question he just asked
for him to say actually inside he’s
already done step one what’s the
question he just asked friend already
say actually it’s uh what did he ask he
asked he first of all sir identify what
the feeling really was Livni and the
question he asked is what am I really
wet
feeling what do you really feeling anger
anger ah what what’s that really know
I was angry because I felt rejected
mm-hmm and I was really disappointed
about what happened the circumstance so
what’s he done he’s managed to stack his
negative emotions one on top of another
and by the way this is unique to dr. Bob
nobody else you know does this do they
but what are you really feeling all that
stuff what’s that what’s behind all that
stuff you just really feel what
projected rejected disappoint I mean
it’s just kind discounted by it look
like a computer that keeps running the
same program over and over again Hey
redjac this is when he’s running right
back through the thing do you feel hurt
yes yeah do you feel rejected or do you
feel hurt I feel hurt you feel
disappointed who do you feel hurt what
do you feel a sense of loss a sense of
loss you feel rejected you feel sense of
loss sense of loss do you feel angry you
felt a sense of loss center loss you
feel her do you feel sense of loss loss
what does it always come down to loss
yeah we can call whatever you want okay
so he’s identified so next question is
what we wanted to do should he feel bad
about having those feelings yes or no no
you know what these are valuable
messages that are coming to you they
really truly are but that what you shall
feel bad about is indulging in them and
not using them not learning you want to
go back feel bad if you don’t learn
anything then feel bad and then get
tired of feeling bad and just decide to
learn something cuz you can learn
something as soon as you ask what kind
of learning for this right so right now
instead of thinking wrong what you do
for a moment is really appreciate those
emotions acknowledge the fact those
emotions are have a valuable message and
then immediately get what like a kid get
what they’re curious for a second is
what those messages really are what what
can you really learn from that what is
that message really offering you in
other words let’s go back up to the
first one you said rejection I being
rejected or disappointed what do you
really what does that motion of
the relationships important love’s
important it’s telling him that
relationship is important that love is
really important him is that a valuable
message yeah what was that disappointed
and then telling him what was the
message he was trying to tell you some
they say I don’t know if you did know
and it had a positive message what it’s
always telling you to change something
I’m telling you to change your
perception about something or it’s
telling you to change your actions so
what is that emotion disappointment
telling you to change what what do you
need to change how I love how he loves
very interesting and what way do you
need to change how you love how its
communicated shown how it’s
communicating so now what do you need to
communicate and show your love more
effectively I’m curious is that better
than feeling rejected disappointed loss
yes or no is this a power tool
transformation in this man yes or no
okay
so stay curious cuz that’s it instead of
oh I don’t know the answer we don’t know
the answer and you’re a little kid what
do you do you get even more what if you
don’t know the answer to go got into the
entrepreneur damn I don’t like feels
through this they go I’m getting more
curious you’re plenty of time it’s
need to be more I’m confused
good confused means you’re about to make
a change is that true see when you know
what things mean you’ll just keep doing
it the way you’ve always done it he was
not confusing we went I’m just wanting a
projected budget fact he kept doing it
over and over he was not confused you
know exactly how to do that now he’s
confused his little brains going this
little computer program don’t work in
the same way so you know let’s help them
out with this what do you need to change
in order no longer feel this you can
change your perception or your actions
are both and what what do you need to
change about your perceptions what can
you change about your actions you may
want to write that down okay so my
action should be different look that
word if what I did didn’t work
I didn’t try something else that’s right
so I need to communicate that
differently I behave differently okay
how many hear what he just said do you
understand what he said he said what
it’s saying is the way I communicated in
fact I got rejected is a message that
was really important to me and then I
need to change the way I’m communicating
so I get what I want because obviously
it didn’t work so I’m gonna change my
approach is that true that different
then I’m not worthwhile as a meaning or
they don’t love me as a meaning yes or
no huge difference in how I feels have
you ever felt rejected or disappoint in
the past and dealt with it really
powerfully or really effectively yes
remember a specific time yes okay go
back to that time and remember how you
dealt with it and then you turn it
okay how’d that feel first of all great
sense of accomplishment yeah that’s
right and how did you do it I took
action what did you do take action how
did you do that what’d you do I I start
doing things differently I’m expressing
myself differently did it work yeah by
the way what is this doing now it’s
teaching his brain if you do this you’re
gonna get pleasure well you used to do
gave you what hey the brain is always
trying to avoid what and move towards
what he’s teaching his brain right now
he’s rewiring his brain a little bit
here how about the way I can isn’t these
computer metaphors and I see something
you get pained when I do that I think
it’s because you think oh do you think
I’m just
pewter no I didn’t see you as a
spiritual being who also has a filtering
system and that filtering system
sometimes you allow to take control and
keep you from doing what you do
naturally which is just love and
appreciate other people including
yourself so we got to deal with both
sides how it is how we operate
unconsciously as well as who we are we
want to deal with how we operate so we
can be more of who we are now I’d like
you to think about this for the future
first of all you feel pretty good about
your meal to deal with it right now yes
yeah and by the way it doesn’t really
look like in deal that now yes or no so
think about the future I can think of
some place in the future where you could
have felt rejected or disappointed
something that could come up that could
cause you to feel rejected or
disappointed okay
okay close your eyes if you would and
see yourself using your skills and layin
ten times better quicker more easily
turning around right away and feeling
good it feels of turning that around
okay how does that feel it was good can
you do it yes easily your heart I can do
it you can do it okay great so now I
want you to do it that’s great
so now in close your eyes don’t you
think of another time won’t come up only
just talk my way to do it easily
I want you your resources inside of
yourself you haven’t thought of before
and I want me to do it even in joy turn
around make it happen easier and quicker
okay
okay looking how about vas gonna do it
can you do that yes yes I’m asking a
better question it gives me better
resources okay you see yourself handling
a quicker and easier in that one yes how
does that feel great how many see the
difference in hear it in his voice okay
let’s do one more think of something
else that come on the future we could
have felt rejected disappointed but now
kak now you handle really as a real
quick they just like this okay
you already done it mmm-hmm son he’s
going faster this isn’t he got some
experience how do you feel when you do
whose face now if someone were to say
I’m gonna reject you now thank you very
[Applause]
so I want you to try this let me help
you another step would it be useful so
to be singing when you’re inside here
trying to search around goal what is
this emotion mean I don’t know what it
means
let me give you 9 emotions and what they
usually mean ok would that be helpful
right sit up your chair some promote
energy then put yourself in a big state
and let’s take a look at what 9 these
emotions are eight or seven or whatever
I put up here are number one fear so if
you’re feeling fear what does that mean
usually what’s the message the message
always is that you need to change
something is that true yes or no so
every negative emotion means I’ve got a
what I’ve got a wet change something
either my perception or what I’m doing
fear means that you got to prepare for
something you’re afraid because your
brain saying messages prepare change
what you’re doing get more prepared
prepare for something that’s going to
happen so you’re better prepared for it
physically now sometimes we just indulge
in the emotion and we stay in the fear
we really aren’t prepared for example I
said you’re gonna give to speak in front
of a group and you’re prepared but you
still have fear it’s because you got the
message you did the work but you didn’t
shut the emotion off and say you know I
am prepared no reason to be afraid
anymore I’m ready I’m ready
you never told your brain it’s okay not
to give you message anymore I’ve done my
work okay so it’s saying you need to
prepare for something maybe it’s a
physical challenge maybe it’s preparing
for some loss that may be coming up
something’s about to come up you need to
be prepared for it okay just get
prepared but once you get prepared get
off it let your buddy know okay I am
prepared move on focus on what you want
now what’s hurt hurt you usually is
telling you an expectation you have
nothing that just tell me hey you have
this expectation it’s not that so what
should you do when you have an
expectation that’s not met you should
focus on what you do want now write down
your notes focus on what you do want now
don’t keep focusing on why you’re
disappointed or how somebody
disappointed you or how you feel so hurt
by them okay an expectation wasn’t met
and you need to change your approach
focus on it
or it means you need to change your
communication hurt means you expected
someone to treat you a certain way and
they didn’t treat you that way so you
need to change your communication need
to come to them and say you know I need
your help you know when you communicate
that way in the past I’ve interpreted
out to mean you didn’t care I know you
care because I know how much you love me
and I love you but you know could you
help me out this way what does it really
mean to you when you do that and then
listen so you know in the future I
really appreciate it if you do it this
way instead would that work for you
would you be won’t do that okay great
fantastic semester says you’ve got to
communicate your needs better if you’re
feeling hurt hurt means I need to
communicate my needs better or hurt also
means I need to meet someone else’s
needs so you feel hurt but didn’t meet
their needs that’s why I didn’t meet
yours either you’re not meeting their
needs
I’m not communicating how having a need
to be met or you have an expectation you
to move on this is not gonna work out
so focus on what will third anger anger
is a message that says you have a major
rule that’s been violated when you’re
angry you have a rule that’s been
violated we all have rules about how
things must be and how they should be
and boy some rules if somebody violates
some of our rules and we really get
angry know it by the way you may also be
angry because you violated your own
rules
is that true yeah you’re not doing what
you believe you must do and you get
angry with yourself sometimes we get
angry yourself we spread that out toward
somebody else find something lay blame
on for frustration frustration as
messages that what you’re doing isn’t
working and that you need to what change
you’re frustrated means you still can
succeed but you got to change your
frustrates Escott something’s here you
know you could succeed you’re frustrated
because what you’re doing isn’t working
change and you can still get what you
want
disappointment is appts a message again
you expected something happen it’s not
going to so immediately focus on what
you want now focus on what you want now
it’s a message that you have to get off
it and you let go on something and move
on and focus on what you want now guilt
guilt is a powerful emotion if it’s not
abused and overused and indulged in any
of these emotions are lousy if you
indulge in them would you agree with me
on that sit there indulging your fear
and your hurt your anger and dull Jimena
keep focusing on the feeling instead of
getting the message of moving on
learning guilt feel can be valuable it’s
telling you you have violated one of
your own standards and you need to do
something immediately to be certain you
won’t do this again you’re having that
pain of guilt because your brain is
saying you just violated one of your
most important standards of your life
you’ve gotta live with your own values
and you’re gonna keep getting this pain
until you make yourself certain you’re
not going to do this again you know what
some people do they just keep going back
and feeling guilty about what they did
in the past the message is saying get
clear you broke your own rules and
commit no matter what you’re not gonna
do it again they can clear be certain
you’re not gonna do it again and your
will go away like that because that’s
the purpose of guilt to make sure you
don’t violate your standards to make
sure you do it well in the future
[Music]
could your standards be unreasonable you
bet there’s a woman in this room I heard
about it was feeling guilty because last
night she came here and she wasn’t with
her kids on Halloween
[Music]
but let’s all look at that person I
don’t know where they are let’s pretend
we can see that they give them dirty
they you know something’s funny we all
have rules our rules always fair yes or
no now sometimes we have totally
unreasonable groups like an already
successful we have to like change the
entire world tomorrow have everybody
happy all the time have everybody love
us at every moment our kids be thrilled
make eight billion dollars a year right
been pretty hard to meet that rule so
sometimes the feedback you’re getting
about frustration or disappointment is
sometimes are saying you got totally
unfair rules for yourself sometimes when
you’re angry you may be saying your
rules are too stringent for other people
maybe you need to remember about those
people with quintuplets have a few less
rules you have a lot less anger does
that make sense
seven if you feel overwhelmed helpless
or depressed or unhelpful so depressed
that’s a message and the message that
your brain is giving you is your over
chunked what people usually say us all
man there’s two my got to change
everything in my life don’t you can’t
change everything in life at one time do
it a step at a time where do you start
where you are sit down and reprioritize
overwhelm or to process sit down and
prioritize that is just write a list of
what’s most important for you to do what
could you do right away to start feeling
better we’re gonna eat right away to
start feeling better what can I do to
take control right away it won’t solve
it all what just what could you do
make a list an order and then go do the
first one take action this is saying
Oklahoma saying you got to stop trying
to do everything at once you need to
make a list of what you need to do and
do one thing well as soon as you do that
one thing well you’ll feel like you’re
in control of your life you keep one
commitment to yourself when all of a
sudden you feel good again you start
feeling like you’re in control you don’t
feel depressed anymore how many by this
theory I tell you to do it will work
feeling along all that is is a message
you need to connect with people and it
change the way you’re doing it right now
you’re proceeding you’re alone change
what your perception is you can change
your action go out and meet somebody
wanna talk to me going to initiate wanna
be more loving so you’re feeling alone
it means hey God it means you need to
connect with another human being and
nine if you feel inadequate that’s a
message that you need to change your
standards because you mean unfair to
yourself or get committed and mastering
this area change your standards some
people like they feel inadequate unless
they’re perfect at something the day
they started how many were great the
first day that you ever tried to tie
your shoes how many of you are confident
in tying your shoes now this is I’ve had
something real confident note how do you
feel like man you can flat-out tie your
shoes no problem to see if handsome no
problem why that’s right because you do
it all the time so you didn’t do over
and over again you get good at and feel
inadequate maybe because your standard
is you’re trying to be perfect the first
time you’re not gonna be perfect at first I’m out dumb
powerfully impacts the meaning that we
associate to something or that we assign
to something so one way to change what
things mean you just change your darn
state it’s that true I mean if you’re
feeling great new things just kind of
bounce off you that normally if you’re
feeling upset would you change the way
you look at and probably change the way
you feel about it you bet so we need to
really still manage our state we talked
about that a great deal last session I
want to make sure that that’s part of
your life’s work your life’s work is
really learning how to live in a way we
just spend most of your time enjoying
yourself very little time and paying
most your time implies your very little
pain and living your life hopefully in a
way where not only do you feel good all
the time but the people around you feel
good just by being around you that
because they’re around you they feel a
lot less pain and kind of pleasure to
have my idea success success is when
you’ve learned to live your life in a
way where you experience tons of
pleasure every day and almost no pain
and simultaneously where the way you
live also causes the people around you
to experience very little pain and tons
of pleasure then you know you’re really
successful because if you feel good and
nobody else does you’re a failure now
that doesn’t mean you go around trying
to make everybody feel good some people
have an investment in feeling bad
because they think feeling bad equals
feeling good are the people to believe
that yes or no because they think if I
feel bad then people will notice me or
they’ll love me more they’ll help me
more I’ll get more attention which means
feeling good people have weird crap they
we were going to come inside their head
about how to get to feeling good some of
you think I’m gonna feel good when I
make a billion dollars
some people like when I have this this
and this when I get married to have
these many children business then I’ll
feel good some people have well I’ll
feel good if I feel bad because then
people knows me and make me feel good or
you can just like choose to feel good
which one you think might be a more
intelligent approach cuz who’s in
control there you are you don’t to worry
about the environment by the way when
you’re feeling good it tends to make you
want to feel better it makes you share
good feelings other people which makes
them feel good which makes them
reciprocate usually not always we
usually
kinda nice so the bottom line is we’ve
got to manage our state still and as a
reminder as far as that’s concerned
changing state means changed the meaning
and the way you can do it is either by
changing your wet and Ben remember from
last session change your wet change your
way change your physiology physiology
again means the way you move the way you
breathe your facial expressions your
gestures the way to use your body
determines the way you feel you gotta
remember that for the rest of your life
if you’re not feeling the way you want
to feel first thing you do is just came
to where you’re moving emotion is
created by what motion emotion is
created by motion there are 50 muscles
in your face a slight change and leave
these muscles will radically change the
way you feel and we did this last time I
think what I like you do right now real
quick
it’s create some tension in your body
some tension then put a big huge smile
on your face while you’re doing it
notice I filled how many feel somewhat
excited when you feel this and he sees
our hands
you know why excitement has tension in
it the only difference is you send a
different biochemistry in your body to
fire off different bio chemicals when
you make a smile physically it changes
you wanna get depressed what do you do
drop your shoulders look down breathe
shallow drool I change what you move
some people have limited emotions
because they have limited motion or
trying to express their feelings they go
have something important I want to share
Gillis versus listen to me come on let’s
make this happen let’s do this
you understand I’m talking about here
more emotion you have the more emotion
you have and the certain emotions you’re
not feeling because you’re not making
certain movements happen in your face I
want to change that you want to go for
more see did I mention to you last time
when we talked about how certain people
willing to get it for a long time to
give a look like each other damage
remember why cuz in order be in rapport
you like people like us so we mirror
back similar facial expressions you do
it enough that they literally mold our
muscles to be in that way we use those
kinds of emotions on an ongoing basis
how people look like their dog I don’t
have the explanation for that I don’t
know if they’re mirroring in that case
right there’s a big somebody like you’re
right let’s see the thing we got to
realize is we’ve got a control or
physiology so throughout this day as
last time I want you to remember to live
at level 10 remember that means living
level 10 means you got to do is ask
yourself on a scale from zero to ten
where’s my level of energy zero is dead
ten is unstoppable which level is gonna
allow you to get more of this weekend
which 110 without a doubt if nothing
else happens from you coming to these
fortune programs but every time you get
here you demand from yourself for four
days a little level ten you think you
might develop a little stronger
emotional muscle yes or no and pretty
soon what used to be hard to do like
demanding ten is the way you live it’s
easy it’s like you can live that way
easy no problem and now you go home you
live at that level does that impact your
patience yes or no does that impact each
other and then I office yes or no does
it impact your home life does that
impact those ecstacy ideas we had about
the relationship at home yes see if your
level 10 every time with your personal
relationship with that enhance it yes or
no so how do you determine with your a
10 or not you decide to go there and the
way you decide to go there is you gotta
ask yourself in regular basis where am I
see I found the more you measure
something the better it gets if you
don’t measure it you’re not gonna do
well you set a goal on New Year’s Eve
and you check next New Year’s you’re in
trouble because you had one correction
it was at the end of year it’s too late
once a month you got a better chance
once a week you can really have
once a day you won’t have a bag here you
won’t have a bad month wish a bad day
more we measure the better we get so
we’ve got to do is ask yourself where
are we on a scale from zero to ten where
are you right now let’s go from zero to
ten hmm sit right now like you would if
you’re at level 10 that’s clear you
weren’t a ten then that’s it come on so
the way you’d be at level ten I mean
absolutely totally energized excited
having fun being outrageous and playful
super even sitting right now for your
level ten come on
and most of all you’re not a ten come on
come on this is not ten let me see ten
here come on even more energy come on
most of you will probably have to make
some noise are you somebody body to get
to level ten come on wake you bow to you
come on come on come on come on come on
and imagine trying to learn in this pace
now I want you to commit you’re not
going to drop below level 8 for the rest
of the weekend are you under that yes or
no yes or no great
now if it’s tough to stay at level 10
you want to put yourself at level 20 so
just as a reminder stand up remember we
do this to put ourselves in a yes state
I’ll remember what that means good then
what I want you to do right now is take
off your jackets you have that not your
blouse man just the jacket now we’re
gonna put ourselves in that yes state
we’re gonna put ourselves in that state
I talked about last time member I gave
you a metaphor the last time we were
together a reminder I said there’s a
puddle of water here in front of me and
I’m an old person I got out of that
water what will I do now and I just walk
around it I’ll walk right in and bitch
about it wall I walk around it okay but
if I’m a kid how do I deal with a puddle
yes little mats the state we’re going in
all those ones that for the weekend say
I if you’re in that state and somebody
like team Long’s again how’d it get feel
would that be a healthy response on this
okay looking for new ways be hissing get
this person would that be more healthy
yes or no sure it’s more playful to more
outrageous
next time somebody is real bitchy just
real bitchy back we’ll do it funny well
that break your pattern yeah you’re
gonna piss them off even more well at
least we’re moving them in some
direction so when I say now what you’re
gonna do is you’re gonna wake your body
up like a little kid again you gonna
scream wait wait wait wait yeah
screaming you’ll be totally outraged is
like a kid if you weren’t here before
you’ll catch on quick then at the peak
of our being totally bizarre weird
outrageous playful seductive fun
adventurous and outrageous again but
we’re gonna do it the pika dadoes we’re
gonna go and we’re caught my hands and
say they would guess right at that
moment and when you copy in say and say
yes at that moment your job’s getting
more energy more excitement more
outrageous just in the moment before
we’ll do it faster and faster they amble
to the world clap but what I want you to
do is go to level 20 on this on a scale
from zero to ten you’re gonna go to
level 20 you know that’s impossible
that’s why we’re going to do it cuz also
once you’ve been to level 20 level 10
feels like you’re relaxing by contrast
okay first let’s just try the word yes
good now let’s put it all together yeah
we’ll get again be outrageous traits and
now I believe you how many Ranaut level
three now some of you here for the first
time I would have I got myself into it
it’s a cult
it’s the yes cult now how do you get a
mouthful you push yourself beyond what’s
comfortable and you do it consistently
and that creates growth so we’re gonna
do it again I barely survived the first
one outside again ready wait I’ll be all
[Applause]
now in this state if somebody had some
petty upset with you could you handle it
great then get a bouncing hug from the
all right we said there were two ways
though that we could change our state
one was a change our what now nice and
loud or the other is to change our focus
change the way we’re representing things
to ourselves like picturing things in
our head is one way we focus somebody
else’s show up on time we picture our
head I’ll see why because they’re out
there messing around does it don’t care
about me cuz listen listen is another
one we focuses by white we say to
ourselves we represent oh well they’re
not doing it probably because they don’t
really love me we talk to ourselves in
certain ways like Italy’s negative
feelings but if we change what we focus
on we change what we feel if you think
of something you’re afraid of and you
focus on it we feel it you bet if you
wanted to feel depressed right now how
many could pull it off no problem how
would you do it you remember don’t you
the reminder here just put yourself in a
lousy physiology or easily by the way
you could do it of course mess up your
biochemistry eat in a way that drops
your blood sugar do the floor or an ass
good you pull it off all you have to do
is think of something that once happened
it made you feel bad something I’m gonna
pass and remember it again that seems
very intelligent doesn’t it and feel bad
about it once again how many of you
would go to a movie that was terrible
over and over and over and over again
how many would think that would be real
intelligent let me see your hands
if you like one of your friends said
yeah one look I hate sucks I’m going
back there again intention is my got
about 4,000 what would you probably ask
them why would you go back there well
because I have to
would you believe them I don’t believe
you either when you tell me that but I
always believed in you cuz I know you
know better you don’t need to go those
movies anymore they’re a bunch of miss
anyway made by poor directors lousy
writers lousy producers you’re a better
producer director and writer now you’re
probably a better actor or actress so
why not create it the way you want it
it’s the scene the same old movies over
and over again most producers I know
don’t sit and watch their worst movies
over and over and over again and feel
bad about them again
what the Muslim do is they go that was
part of my learning experience time to
move on
how else could you
and by the way you could do it currently
couldn’t you all you have to do is think
of something you think you’ve lost that
maybe hasn’t even happened well think of
something that you want but you’re not
getting right now I feel bad about it or
you could think of something it hasn’t
even happened yet
and feel bad about it in advance can you
do that like oh my god and focus on what
if this happens oh oh they’re all gosh
remember a coward dies a thousand deaths
because the coward runs it through the
head of eight million times it feels
like they’re dying a million times you
have any faith any courage that if it
really ever does happen you’ll just deal
with it once you feel the pain only one
time sort of stacked over and over and
over and over again you want to feel
good could you do that
sure would a producer go back to some of
their best movies and see them again do
you think yes or no will they even share
some of those movies with their friends
you know what some people do somebody
likes to take the worst moves that pass
and go share them with their friends
their worst movies tell them all about
all the gory details of it and the
Franklin’s yeah that’s really great
let’s see a real great producer director
shows in their current films shows them
some examples of films that about to
come called previews previews a rather
exciting usually or they show them the
best films of the past and share those
with them so the people get to enjoy
more of their life maybe even learn
something who knows you can remember
something once happen it was great feel
good about it you can think something
right now that you can feel great about
or you could think of something hasn’t
even happened yet and feel good about it
in advance what determines what you
focus on though is one thing the
questions you ask yourself a question
you ask yourself determine what you
focus on in that moment what questions
you ask are usually controlled by your
beliefs but you could ask any question
but unless you do it consciously you’ll
just ask the same questions that are in
line with your old beliefs your old BS
belief systems so the bottom line is
we’re gonna have better questions and I
will tell you the question I want you to
learn to ask the next time you get upset
with someone it’s the first question I
would ask myself if I were you what else
could this mean what else could this
mean I will know a person is intelligent
when I say this one is have a nice
target
I thought to myself what else could this
mean you know maybe it doesn’t mean what
I think it means maybe they weren’t
really being harsh maybe what means is
their stress maybe what I’m hearing from
this person about what they said about
me is not true maybe what it really is
is a distortion not that they mean to
distort but it’s a distortion maybe what
I’ve heard this person said about me as
a deletion maybe this person is
generalizing maybe this person heard
through somebody else maybe that person
misinterpreted what I said maybe this
whole thing isn’t accurate
maybe it’s accurate but they’re stressed
maybe I’m just stressed right now maybe
what this really means is I’m stressed I
need to get more resourceful and be more
loving and I can handle maybe what this
is what this means is it’s a chance for
me to go to the next level what else
could this mean you’re only upset when
you’ve decided on a meaning that creates
an upset so if you’re feeling upset what
else could this mean cuz again how many
of you have ever thought something meant
something I’ve been upset about it later
on fine you were wrong how many have
done this so wouldn’t be smart as a
first step to always ask what else could
this mean and search for other
possibilities see with my friends I
always do this if I care about somebody
I always do this and what I’ve learned
to do is even people I didn’t so much
care about or didn’t even know what else
could this mean see that makes your
whole life open up and expand see once
you think you know what everything means
you’re in deep trouble because then
you’re a kid you don’t happen you just
have this big giant doorway but then you
became an adult and you notice the door
you start to say I know how this door
works and you close it a little bit he
said I know in the world isn’t closed it
more I know the world isn’t pretty soon
now you know how the world is you
absolutely know how the world would see
when your kid you didn’t know how the
world was it was just amazing how big
the world was it was amazing how much
wonder there was in the world and what
you can learn how much you grow a
stimulated you where you stimulate about
all kinds of things because you didn’t
know for sure what everything was you’re
always curious about what things were
but as an adult you now know what
everything is and if it doesn’t fit in
there it’s wrong
we want to open a door back open by
saying well yeah but what else could it
mean what else could it mean what else
could it mean what else could it mean
what else could it mean feel a little
freer hmm got a question I tend to ask
myself is do I know everything there is
to know about this do I know everything
there is to know about this somebody
says something to you they’re really
upset with you or somebody raises their
voice I mean say me what else could it
mean well
kameena stress could mean an understand
could mean they don’t even realize
they’re yelling could mean that they
need some support could mean what I know
it means it’s a cry for help could mean
that I’m oversensitive right now could
means I react to voice tonality instead
of real feelings could mean that could
mean nothing could just be something
that came a win do I know everything
there is to know about this no I don’t
know everything guys know about this I
mean there’s all kinds of things could
be going on I don’t know opened your
world again we’re gonna teach you to do
this in a format that makes sense now
the thing that happens though if we want
to be able to really take control of our
meaning is we gotta pay attention to our
emotions so in your notes write down
emotions under emotions you know in fact
you might want to write there were
negative emotions negative emotions
negative emotions and then so you write
it down cross it out the word negative
anyway what are some of your negative
emotions tell me what they are
fear what else pommie hate what else
anger what else guilt what else worry
what else upset guilt what else
frustration I got a question for you
are they really negative I’m going to
tell you there’s no way they’re negative
every emotion you’ve ever had in your
life serves a purpose the problem the
reason it’s negative is you’ve been
calling it negative instead of getting
the message it’s been trying to give you
every emotion you have including those
you think of as negative those ones you
call negative emotions I call them
emotional messages I also call them
calls to action all those negative
emotions is used to label them are
really a call to action
fear is a call to action by the way do
you feel that call to action in your
body
when you’re afraid yes or no does your
dremel and start pumping your whole
system start gearing up emotions recall
to action and the call to action says
one of two things has to happen that
call a machen it’s a message every
emotion is a message a call to action
and the action of the message is trying
to give you is that you need to change
either number one your perception of
this or number two your current actions
every negative emotion you’ve ever felt
is not negative now you may be overusing
them I’ll agree with you you may be
indulging in them I agree with you you
may not be getting them message from
them what’s making it negative is you’re
not getting the message it’s trying to
give you but every emotion fear
frustration hate anger guilt all of
those emotions are here to serve you if
you get quick the message what most of
us do is we just indulge in the emotion
so we never get the message and that’s
why it’s a negative because it starts
screwing up your body because what it is
is a signal signal the act and you’re
not acting that’s why you feel sick to
your stomach you’re not acting you just
keep on indulging emotion not hearing
the message so the message is always you
must change something negative emotions
are saying you’ve got to change
something either change the way you’re
perceiving this change the meaning you
link to this change your perception
change your focus or change your actions
change what you’re doing cause it didn’t
working that’s why you’re having that
emotion
don’t make your motions wrong I
appreciate them be grateful for them but
immediately then ask yourself hey what’s
the message that my emotion is trying to
give me here what do I need to change
I’m reception or my actions this makes
sense yes now so then how do we make use
of it well first of all notice this how
do most of us deal with our emotions
most of us deal with our emotions by
suppressing them back before you write
that down actually I put over here four
ways to deal with emotions four ways to
deal with emotions I think the number
one way most people do with their
emotions is they try to avoid them by
the way how effective is that no you
might do it for a moment or two but most
people they just try to avoid feeling
isn’t that true
people like who don’t like the feeling
think if there’s a so afraid of many
things I try not to feel any feelings
now if you don’t feel any feelings you
really gonna have some pain that’s what
life is for life is part of the juice of
life is expressing
feeling but sometimes people had so much
pain they say I don’t feel anything it
never works because eventually comes out
anyway and then you feel bad about never
having felt bad you feel bad about the
fact you didn’t feel good you have a
sense of loss because you didn’t feel
things second way people try and deal
with emotions as they endure them
they’re gonna grunt it out
we’re under these I’m gonna make it
through this I’ll hang on to this and
again this doesn’t work now they may try
and disassociate after a while here
again or they may try and suppress the
emotion I’ll just endure it I’ll just
keep pushing it down and I’ll make it
through it I’ll just endure it that
doesn’t make it better either Third Way
what some people do I don’t know if
you’ve ever seen this happen I’m sure
you’ve never done this people compete to
see who feels the worst some people just
they keep track of their emotions so
they can share them with other people
and compete so somebody says oh man I
feel like hell oh you feel like hell let
me tell you I feel you think you got a
problem let me tell you my problem you
think you got the biggest problem check
out my problem it stands out too here
and people sit there and try and argue
about who’s got the worst problem thank
or the fourth thing they don’t have up
there that say the fourth thing that
people do is try and share their pain
share their problem they think oh I can
get rid of my motion by sharing with
others they try and get other people to
feel bad do that way we’ll be friends we
can share in the pain together we must
love each other are these very
intelligent ways to build your emotions
yes or no now you don’t want to avoid
them you don’t want to endure them you
don’t want to compete who’s got the
biggest and worst emotion
try make yours worse than somebody
else’s you don’t want to share them make
them feel bad too what a friend you are
instead what you want to do is step 5
learn from them and utilize them you
want to learn from them and utilize them
now in order to learn something utilize
the more a change in emotion we have to
change what something what’s to us
starts with an end we have to change
what something whyatt means to us we
change what something means we transform
our emotion we have a transformation
does that make sense in other words if
I’m feeling really upset about Sun I’m
angry angry angry do I have to
communicate that to get off my anger now
I’m not necessarily I’m angry because of
the meaning I linked up what if I change
what it means in my am that real I said
that’s not what it means then what I
feel angry yes or no yes or no if I’m
really angry about something I’m angry
because of what I’ve linked up to it I’m
saying well I’m angry because they did
that and that means this but if I really
analyze it and I look at it for a while
I go that’s much a crap it doesn’t
really mean that then I’ve transformed
my feeling do I now have to go that
person and say what you did made me
angry yes or no yes or no no because I
don’t have that feeling I truly don’t
have it I’m not suppressing it I
transformed it suppression however is
when you keep the same meaning that you
keep the same meaning you’re upset about
something and you’d heat the same
meaning you don’t change the meaning all
you try and do just stuff the emotion
you try to pretend it’s not there
that’s suppression so if you keep the
same negative emotion you don’t change
how you feel about it you just try and
pretend it’s not there that’s
suppression and that’s when you get in
trouble so our goal is not just to take
things and not suppress them and just
express whatever we feel because if you
just go express whatever you feel you
don’t think it out are you gonna always
communicate well yes or no now in fact
you may say things later on you’ll
regret in the heat of the moment because
you’re in state so what you first want
to do is see if you can transform it
honestly and sincerely and if you can’t
then your goal is to get someone to help
you to transform it go to the source and
get the source to help you to transform
this
so you know what I felt this way about
this I made it this bizarre meaning I
know it’s not true because I know who
you really are but this is like a crap I
did in my head can you help me today to
change this can you give me some more
information or some feedback or help me
to clarify this thing I’m kind of screw
this up in my brain because I know
that’s not what you meant that’s what I
did inside my head
yeah it’s that different then you know
something the other day when you do this
I felt this which by the way implies
what they did made you feel something is
that true yes or no does anybody do
anything and make you feel something yes
or no yes or no absolutely not
absolutely not naive a right to feel the
way you feel but that isn’t true that
it’s actually what made you feel that
way you chose to make yourself feel that
way you communicate that to your self so
instead of saying when you do this that
made me feel this that’s implying that
somebody made you do something that
takes responsibility away from the one
person who can change your life meaning
you so I request them as uture this
nothing wrong with any of that I want to
do is enhance it the way one enhance it
is come from the place of I’m
communicating as I want to transform
something and I’m responsible not them
you know I need your help and your help
the other day with this thing I’ll
happen I use that to interpret that to
mean this and I know it’s not true
because I know who you are I need some
clarity can you help me out I gotta
clean this up and mean who’s responsible
by the way well they want to help you
yes or no by the way what you’re really
doing here is making clear what you’re
really doing which is you’re doing a cry
for help maybe not crying you’re making
a request for help instead of crying
make sense and people here this is a
request for help
do we want to help other people yes or
no especially else we’re all in the
helping business that’s why we do what
we do that’s the bottom line so we’re
gonna develop a format like this where
we don’t suppress well we don’t just
express because you know what happens
and you just go out there whatever you
feel you express what you really do is
you vent and then you make it right or
you demand it see venting and demanding
does not make communication better in
the long term how many would agree with
me on this I want to go to a different
level we want to transform our
communication
when it transformed what things mean to
us now here’s what I want to be able to
have you do I want you to be able to
take the emotions that you’re
experiencing and be able to deal with
them quickly so I want to give you six
steps to changing or dealing with not
dealing with it
I guess utilizing is the right word six
steps to utilizing any emotions you feel
that you used to call negative which now
I call emotional messages or calls to
what calls to action whenever you’re
feeling a negative emotion which we’re
now going to call emotional messages
it’s a call to action and a saying you
need to change something what do you
need to change one of two things repeat
back what are then change either number
one you’re wet know while you could
change the physiology but if you are
getting feedback right now you’re
getting a negative emotion that negative
emotion is a message it’s saying you got
to change either your perception or your
actions and your actions could be the
way using your body or your focus or
whatever change your perception of your
actions now here’s what happens when you
get a negative emotion or now an
emotional message number one you want to
identify what the emotion is so you
start to feel negative things wanted if
I what is the emotion now when you
identify the emotion what the emotion is
like you’re feeling you’re really upset
ask yourself well what am I really
feeling underneath this you might like
it under question what am I really
so when you say I’m upset
what am I really feeling and what might
your answer be when you say what am I
really feeling I’m upset with this
person what am I really feeling I might
be feeling hurt does that change how you
feel in that moment you identify that
yes or no yes and when you say what am I
really feeling you might put a little
note in your notes use some TV use some
TV when you come up with your label
transformational what vocabulary so
instead of saying I’m destroyed I’m
devastated I’m humiliated you might say
I’m feeling a little bit hurt use TV and
use what I call softeners softeners are
the words like a little bit both
softeners and TV here’s the second key
once you’ve identified what it is and by
the way usually it’s gonna be I have a
sense of hurt or a sense of loss almost
all emotions will probably come down
that in most cases is that true in most
cases not all second thing you do
acknowledge and appreciate the message
it has for you don’t deny your emotions
don’t avoid your emotions don’t suppress
your emotions don’t make them wrong
don’t share them start by identifying
what they really are and then
acknowledge and appreciate the message
it has for you
in other words acknowledge hey this is a
real emotion I’m glad I’m having it it’s
gonna have a great message for me then
go to step 3
get incredibly curious get incredibly
curious as to what it has to offer you
as to what the message is get incredibly
curious as to what the message is
underneath this one number three and you
get incredibly curious as to what the
message is write down the question what
is the real message this emotion is
giving me what is the real message this
emotion is trying to give me what is the
real message of some motion is trying to
give me and offer you some ways to do
this let’s do the all six those you know
we’re going step 4 get the question on 3
some you’re still there question number
three is what is the message this
emotion is trying to give me what’s the
real message number four get yourself to
feel reassured that you can deal with
this emotion
get yourself to feel reassured then you
can deal with us emotion see a lot of
times the stress is oh my god how am I
gonna deal with this so get yourself
reassured you can deal the motion the
way you do that is remember a time when
you dealt with this emotion successfully
in the past we’re a member of time when
you’ve dealt with this emotion
successfully in the past so if all of a
sudden you start to feel depressed
that’s pretty negative feeling I first
of all wouldn’t call it depression I’d
say a little bit down but first thing
you do is you go all can feel this
terrible feeling fine start feel
depressed well what am I really feeling
well I’m really just feeling a little
bit down okay great you know what that’s
great I appreciate that’s a message I
need to get curious what is that message
what’s the message of this thing’s
trying to give me and what depressions
message usually is by the way is you
need to reset your priorities that you
don’t feel like you’re in control that
you’ve got too many things going at once
you know you feel out of control when
you’re depressed so what you do is set
some priorities and go do the first one
on your list that’s what the message is
telling you you feel out of control the
way to get in control reset your
priorities and go do one thing and
complete it the minute you do your
self-esteem will go right back up so
that’s the message so what’s the message
it’s offering me by the way I’m gonna
teach you the nine most powerful
emotions that you probably experience
what their messages are so you don’t
have to wonder about this you’ll know
what they are
step 4 get yourself to feel reassured by
remembering times will you dealt with us
in the past and you ever fell a little
bit down before what used to call it
perhaps how many have ever felt that way
in the past in this use of hands how
many of dealt with it let me show you
some hands
great if you remember that two things
happen you’re gonna feel reassured you
can deal with it plus you’re gonna
remember how you did it which means you
can use what you did in the past to
change it right now why wait most of us
forget the best parts of our past which
is how we dealt with things and turn
them around we just remember the
negative feelings that’s kind of weird
and we need to manage our memories
better remember the things that have
resources for us and forget the things
that don’t number five get certain
yet certain that you can handle anything
like this in the future get certain not
only can you deal with the emotion you
have right now but what you should do is
use this as an opportunity being certain
for yourself get yourself certain if it
ever happens the future I’ll handle this
emotion quicker and easier get certain
that you can handle anything like this
in the future by rehearsing your self
dealing with it in the future in other
words think of a time in the future
where this depression could come up and
see yourself feel yourself rehearsing
again use this as a tool of empowerment
so you remember time when you were
depressed before a little bit down you
turn it around took you a while we can
turn around remember what you did I
dealt with this before I can deal it
again and then you say let me take this
opportunity to get certain that I can
handle this if it ever came up in the
future no way I’m gonna do that I’m
gonna sit down right now I’m gonna think
I’m okay what kind of things might
happen the future I might get well I
might expect some didn’t work feel bad
about it let me think of a time like
that okay let me see myself hear myself
feel myself deal with it you see here
and feel yourself dealing with it easily
and you do this two or three or four
times and you keep doing it two three or
four times then in the future when it
comes up guess what your brain will do
you’re better than all I can handle this
I’m already prepared how many you’re
following logic with this let me see
your hands okay so get certain you can
deal with in future by rehearsing and by
the way remember this you might want to
put this in your notes your brain cannot
tell the difference between something
you vividly imagine and something you
actually experience your brain cannot
tell the difference between something
you vividly imagine well you see it you
hear it you feel you taste it you touch
it you smell it and you’re in your mind
and something that actually occurs if
you doubt this have you ever had a dream
it was so real you got every physical
response to it how many had a dream like
that okay you can have a dream anytime
you want even while you’re awake all you
have to do is rehearse something your
mind enough times vividly enough and
it’s real if you over and over again
rehearse yourself dealing with emotion
easily then it’s real next time it comes
up you’ve already got the programming
you already have the resources to turn
around in a heartbeat
then this emotional message it’s dealt
with for the future not just for today
and the sixth step take action and
change your life whatever the message is
take the action that you need to take
and change your life do something doing
something always will change how you
feel
you feel bad because you’re not doing
anything and by the way you’ll continue
to feel bad until you do something to
change so you do anything it’ll improve
you and move you in the direction you
want to go so let’s take another example
what’s another a negative emotion you
feel that’s you’re an example when you
felt recently somebody raised your hand
rejection so what’s the first step when
you think you’re feeling rejection
what’s step number one oh my gosh what
is it identify it specifically identify
what the emotion really is let’s call it
that identify what the emotion really is
identify what the emotion really is so
you ask yourself what am I really
feeling so a person said rejection what
were you really feeling Shh no let him
answer that’s your answer his answer was
disappointment is that different than
rejection yes or no yes or no yes and by
the way when he realizes he’s just
disappointed it’s not as intense as
rejection is it what happened with one
question his pain just dropped still
painful probably but not any one he was
intense am i false or true women okay
great now so he’s disappointed great so
now he knows what he really is
disappointed he might even add some TV
or a softener here and the softener
might be he might say I was a what a
little bit disappointed a little bit
this point okay that makes it even less
now what does he do
number two does he make himself wrong
for feeling that way yes or no yes or no
what does he do he’s acknowledged and
what else appreciate the fact that he’s
getting a very valuable message and the
message he needs to change something
easy to change his perception about it
so he’s no longer disappointed do I need
to change his actions so he doesn’t be
disappointed now or in the future
step 3 wasn’t you do get incredibly what
like a little kid what curious what
we’re curious do we learn things more we
learn better more curious you bet she
needs to get incredibly curious about
what this message has to offer him if
you were really curious what do you
think that message really had to offer
perhaps this was just an unmet
expectation that was playing place up
here and it wasn’t even reality what’s
happening to his level of emotional
intensity right now how many see that
it’s dropping can you see that okay it’s
dropping right out you’re great
can you remember time next step is get
himself really wet real a great and the
way to do that is get him to what
remembered Tommy’s daughter
have you ever been disappointed before
and dealt with it can you remember a
specific time and you turned it around
made it good remember specific one think
for a moment time we turn around and mid
gray you actually took a minute to your
advantage
remember time like that how’d that feel
so you know how to deal with us don’t
you
I had a question for it what did you do
back then that changed it he redefined
the terms he’s gonna use he changed his
perception or his rules great how about
feel when you resolved it so great so
when he goes to reassure this to things
happen in the reassurance one is he sees
he can deal with it he sees and feels he
can deal with this easily and number two
he sees how and number three he
remembers how good it feels to relieve
himself from the feeling so he remembers
how good it feels to get rid of it which
by the way makes him want to get rid of
it right now once the last two steps
step number five what do we want to make
sure we make sure he doesn’t just not
feel bad about anymore now but we want
to make sure his future is better we
want to get him what get what certain
that he can handle this in the future so
he probably feels pretty certain right
now but you know what I’d like you to do
like I think some other area in life
where it possibly in life you could have
gotten disappointed in the future some
kind of thing that might come up do you
think it’s something that could come up
and do that Lucky’s already knows close
your eyes for a minute just Ramon what I
want you to do is I want you to think of
that things starting to happen we start
to get disappointed or feel rejected
actually is what you did initially then
you realize you’re just desponding then
you just handle it see yourself handling
in the future even better than you have
in the past and notice a good at feel
from any gambling can you feel that
think of another time something else
that could happen in the future
where it might been a real real major
disappointment
but see yourself handling real quickly
real easy getting off and making it work
and notice how good you feel soon as you
handling forget it do it one more time
do three the third one some other area
life we were really disappointed see and
feel yourself handling that real easily
real quickly to get it good how do you
feel about your ability to deal with us
in the future more confident
how many can hear in his voice you hear
that either depth in his voice the last
thing is go take action change it he may
have already done that if it was
changing a perception or you can go do
it physically how many follow the system
okay we’re gonna do one more I need a
volunteer up here so everybody can see
this person because if you want to saw a
spacious now change somebody who’s had
an emotion that you really you know
recently had to bug you or create some
negative feeling free somebody’s got one
of those Oh nobody in the whole room I
don’t want to be out there I don’t know
what it’ll do oh boy all this all these
people here appointment this guy here
that your staff pointing at you dr. Bob
dr. Bob give me in yes indeed great yes
sir he’s gonna reward you guys for this
later
he probably will actually dr. Bob what’s
the negative amount negative message a
negative feeling that you’ve had
recently that you’d like to change
you really are committed to changing
that’s been bugging you disappoint me to
rejection well it seems like that’s
going around let’s be catching rejection
virus people are spreading it okay well
which one would you like to deal with
are they tied together well actually
it’s a pony what question he just asked
for him to say actually inside he’s
already done step one what’s the
question he just asked friend already
say actually it’s uh what did he ask he
asked he first of all sir identify what
the feeling really was Livni and the
question he asked is what am I really
wet
feeling what do you really feeling anger
anger ah what what’s that really know
I was angry because I felt rejected
mm-hmm and I was really disappointed
about what happened the circumstance so
what’s he done he’s managed to stack his
negative emotions one on top of another
and by the way this is unique to dr. Bob
nobody else you know does this do they
but what are you really feeling all that
stuff what’s that what’s behind all that
stuff you just really feel what
projected rejected disappoint I mean
it’s just kind discounted by it look
like a computer that keeps running the
same program over and over again Hey
redjac this is when he’s running right
back through the thing do you feel hurt
yes yeah do you feel rejected or do you
feel hurt I feel hurt you feel
disappointed who do you feel hurt what
do you feel a sense of loss a sense of
loss you feel rejected you feel sense of
loss sense of loss do you feel angry you
felt a sense of loss center loss you
feel her do you feel sense of loss loss
what does it always come down to loss
yeah we can call whatever you want okay
so he’s identified so next question is
what we wanted to do should he feel bad
about having those feelings yes or no no
you know what these are valuable
messages that are coming to you they
really truly are but that what you shall
feel bad about is indulging in them and
not using them not learning you want to
go back feel bad if you don’t learn
anything then feel bad and then get
tired of feeling bad and just decide to
learn something cuz you can learn
something as soon as you ask what kind
of learning for this right so right now
instead of thinking wrong what you do
for a moment is really appreciate those
emotions acknowledge the fact those
emotions are have a valuable message and
then immediately get what like a kid get
what they’re curious for a second is
what those messages really are what what
can you really learn from that what is
that message really offering you in
other words let’s go back up to the
first one you said rejection I being
rejected or disappointed what do you
really what does that motion of
the relationships important love’s
important it’s telling him that
relationship is important that love is
really important him is that a valuable
message yeah what was that disappointed
and then telling him what was the
message he was trying to tell you some
they say I don’t know if you did know
and it had a positive message what it’s
always telling you to change something
I’m telling you to change your
perception about something or it’s
telling you to change your actions so
what is that emotion disappointment
telling you to change what what do you
need to change how I love how he loves
very interesting and what way do you
need to change how you love how its
communicated shown how it’s
communicating so now what do you need to
communicate and show your love more
effectively I’m curious is that better
than feeling rejected disappointed loss
yes or no is this a power tool
transformation in this man yes or no
okay
so stay curious cuz that’s it instead of
oh I don’t know the answer we don’t know
the answer and you’re a little kid what
do you do you get even more what if you
don’t know the answer to go got into the
entrepreneur damn I don’t like feels
through this they go I’m getting more
curious you’re plenty of time it’s
need to be more I’m confused
good confused means you’re about to make
a change is that true see when you know
what things mean you’ll just keep doing
it the way you’ve always done it he was
not confusing we went I’m just wanting a
projected budget fact he kept doing it
over and over he was not confused you
know exactly how to do that now he’s
confused his little brains going this
little computer program don’t work in
the same way so you know let’s help them
out with this what do you need to change
in order no longer feel this you can
change your perception or your actions
are both and what what do you need to
change about your perceptions what can
you change about your actions you may
want to write that down okay so my
action should be different look that
word if what I did didn’t work
I didn’t try something else that’s right
so I need to communicate that
differently I behave differently okay
how many hear what he just said do you
understand what he said he said what
it’s saying is the way I communicated in
fact I got rejected is a message that
was really important to me and then I
need to change the way I’m communicating
so I get what I want because obviously
it didn’t work so I’m gonna change my
approach is that true that different
then I’m not worthwhile as a meaning or
they don’t love me as a meaning yes or
no huge difference in how I feels have
you ever felt rejected or disappoint in
the past and dealt with it really
powerfully or really effectively yes
remember a specific time yes okay go
back to that time and remember how you
dealt with it and then you turn it
okay how’d that feel first of all great
sense of accomplishment yeah that’s
right and how did you do it I took
action what did you do take action how
did you do that what’d you do I I start
doing things differently I’m expressing
myself differently did it work yeah by
the way what is this doing now it’s
teaching his brain if you do this you’re
gonna get pleasure well you used to do
gave you what hey the brain is always
trying to avoid what and move towards
what he’s teaching his brain right now
he’s rewiring his brain a little bit
here how about the way I can isn’t these
computer metaphors and I see something
you get pained when I do that I think
it’s because you think oh do you think
I’m just
pewter no I didn’t see you as a
spiritual being who also has a filtering
system and that filtering system
sometimes you allow to take control and
keep you from doing what you do
naturally which is just love and
appreciate other people including
yourself so we got to deal with both
sides how it is how we operate
unconsciously as well as who we are we
want to deal with how we operate so we
can be more of who we are now I’d like
you to think about this for the future
first of all you feel pretty good about
your meal to deal with it right now yes
yeah and by the way it doesn’t really
look like in deal that now yes or no so
think about the future I can think of
some place in the future where you could
have felt rejected or disappointed
something that could come up that could
cause you to feel rejected or
disappointed okay
okay close your eyes if you would and
see yourself using your skills and layin
ten times better quicker more easily
turning around right away and feeling
good it feels of turning that around
okay how does that feel it was good can
you do it yes easily your heart I can do
it you can do it okay great so now I
want you to do it that’s great
so now in close your eyes don’t you
think of another time won’t come up only
just talk my way to do it easily
I want you your resources inside of
yourself you haven’t thought of before
and I want me to do it even in joy turn
around make it happen easier and quicker
okay
okay looking how about vas gonna do it
can you do that yes yes I’m asking a
better question it gives me better
resources okay you see yourself handling
a quicker and easier in that one yes how
does that feel great how many see the
difference in hear it in his voice okay
let’s do one more think of something
else that come on the future we could
have felt rejected disappointed but now
kak now you handle really as a real
quick they just like this okay
you already done it mmm-hmm son he’s
going faster this isn’t he got some
experience how do you feel when you do
whose face now if someone were to say
I’m gonna reject you now thank you very
[Applause]
so I want you to try this let me help
you another step would it be useful so
to be singing when you’re inside here
trying to search around goal what is
this emotion mean I don’t know what it
means
let me give you 9 emotions and what they
usually mean ok would that be helpful
right sit up your chair some promote
energy then put yourself in a big state
and let’s take a look at what 9 these
emotions are eight or seven or whatever
I put up here are number one fear so if
you’re feeling fear what does that mean
usually what’s the message the message
always is that you need to change
something is that true yes or no so
every negative emotion means I’ve got a
what I’ve got a wet change something
either my perception or what I’m doing
fear means that you got to prepare for
something you’re afraid because your
brain saying messages prepare change
what you’re doing get more prepared
prepare for something that’s going to
happen so you’re better prepared for it
physically now sometimes we just indulge
in the emotion and we stay in the fear
we really aren’t prepared for example I
said you’re gonna give to speak in front
of a group and you’re prepared but you
still have fear it’s because you got the
message you did the work but you didn’t
shut the emotion off and say you know I
am prepared no reason to be afraid
anymore I’m ready I’m ready
you never told your brain it’s okay not
to give you message anymore I’ve done my
work okay so it’s saying you need to
prepare for something maybe it’s a
physical challenge maybe it’s preparing
for some loss that may be coming up
something’s about to come up you need to
be prepared for it okay just get
prepared but once you get prepared get
off it let your buddy know okay I am
prepared move on focus on what you want
now what’s hurt hurt you usually is
telling you an expectation you have
nothing that just tell me hey you have
this expectation it’s not that so what
should you do when you have an
expectation that’s not met you should
focus on what you do want now write down
your notes focus on what you do want now
don’t keep focusing on why you’re
disappointed or how somebody
disappointed you or how you feel so hurt
by them okay an expectation wasn’t met
and you need to change your approach
focus on it
or it means you need to change your
communication hurt means you expected
someone to treat you a certain way and
they didn’t treat you that way so you
need to change your communication need
to come to them and say you know I need
your help you know when you communicate
that way in the past I’ve interpreted
out to mean you didn’t care I know you
care because I know how much you love me
and I love you but you know could you
help me out this way what does it really
mean to you when you do that and then
listen so you know in the future I
really appreciate it if you do it this
way instead would that work for you
would you be won’t do that okay great
fantastic semester says you’ve got to
communicate your needs better if you’re
feeling hurt hurt means I need to
communicate my needs better or hurt also
means I need to meet someone else’s
needs so you feel hurt but didn’t meet
their needs that’s why I didn’t meet
yours either you’re not meeting their
needs
I’m not communicating how having a need
to be met or you have an expectation you
to move on this is not gonna work out
so focus on what will third anger anger
is a message that says you have a major
rule that’s been violated when you’re
angry you have a rule that’s been
violated we all have rules about how
things must be and how they should be
and boy some rules if somebody violates
some of our rules and we really get
angry know it by the way you may also be
angry because you violated your own
rules
is that true yeah you’re not doing what
you believe you must do and you get
angry with yourself sometimes we get
angry yourself we spread that out toward
somebody else find something lay blame
on for frustration frustration as
messages that what you’re doing isn’t
working and that you need to what change
you’re frustrated means you still can
succeed but you got to change your
frustrates Escott something’s here you
know you could succeed you’re frustrated
because what you’re doing isn’t working
change and you can still get what you
want
disappointment is appts a message again
you expected something happen it’s not
going to so immediately focus on what
you want now focus on what you want now
it’s a message that you have to get off
it and you let go on something and move
on and focus on what you want now guilt
guilt is a powerful emotion if it’s not
abused and overused and indulged in any
of these emotions are lousy if you
indulge in them would you agree with me
on that sit there indulging your fear
and your hurt your anger and dull Jimena
keep focusing on the feeling instead of
getting the message of moving on
learning guilt feel can be valuable it’s
telling you you have violated one of
your own standards and you need to do
something immediately to be certain you
won’t do this again you’re having that
pain of guilt because your brain is
saying you just violated one of your
most important standards of your life
you’ve gotta live with your own values
and you’re gonna keep getting this pain
until you make yourself certain you’re
not going to do this again you know what
some people do they just keep going back
and feeling guilty about what they did
in the past the message is saying get
clear you broke your own rules and
commit no matter what you’re not gonna
do it again they can clear be certain
you’re not gonna do it again and your
will go away like that because that’s
the purpose of guilt to make sure you
don’t violate your standards to make
sure you do it well in the future
[Music]
could your standards be unreasonable you
bet there’s a woman in this room I heard
about it was feeling guilty because last
night she came here and she wasn’t with
her kids on Halloween
[Music]
but let’s all look at that person I
don’t know where they are let’s pretend
we can see that they give them dirty
they you know something’s funny we all
have rules our rules always fair yes or
no now sometimes we have totally
unreasonable groups like an already
successful we have to like change the
entire world tomorrow have everybody
happy all the time have everybody love
us at every moment our kids be thrilled
make eight billion dollars a year right
been pretty hard to meet that rule so
sometimes the feedback you’re getting
about frustration or disappointment is
sometimes are saying you got totally
unfair rules for yourself sometimes when
you’re angry you may be saying your
rules are too stringent for other people
maybe you need to remember about those
people with quintuplets have a few less
rules you have a lot less anger does
that make sense
seven if you feel overwhelmed helpless
or depressed or unhelpful so depressed
that’s a message and the message that
your brain is giving you is your over
chunked what people usually say us all
man there’s two my got to change
everything in my life don’t you can’t
change everything in life at one time do
it a step at a time where do you start
where you are sit down and reprioritize
overwhelm or to process sit down and
prioritize that is just write a list of
what’s most important for you to do what
could you do right away to start feeling
better we’re gonna eat right away to
start feeling better what can I do to
take control right away it won’t solve
it all what just what could you do
make a list an order and then go do the
first one take action this is saying
Oklahoma saying you got to stop trying
to do everything at once you need to
make a list of what you need to do and
do one thing well as soon as you do that
one thing well you’ll feel like you’re
in control of your life you keep one
commitment to yourself when all of a
sudden you feel good again you start
feeling like you’re in control you don’t
feel depressed anymore how many by this
theory I tell you to do it will work
feeling along all that is is a message
you need to connect with people and it
change the way you’re doing it right now
you’re proceeding you’re alone change
what your perception is you can change
your action go out and meet somebody
wanna talk to me going to initiate wanna
be more loving so you’re feeling alone
it means hey God it means you need to
connect with another human being and
nine if you feel inadequate that’s a
message that you need to change your
standards because you mean unfair to
yourself or get committed and mastering
this area change your standards some
people like they feel inadequate unless
they’re perfect at something the day
they started how many were great the
first day that you ever tried to tie
your shoes how many of you are confident
in tying your shoes now this is I’ve had
something real confident note how do you
feel like man you can flat-out tie your
shoes no problem to see if handsome no
problem why that’s right because you do
it all the time so you didn’t do over
and over again you get good at and feel
inadequate maybe because your standard
is you’re trying to be perfect the first
time you’re not gonna be perfect at first I’m out dumb
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