our next subject is rapport in your
notes anywhere you want there’s no place
where just write rapport is power
rapport is power earlier today we said
anything you want to achieve anything
you want to learn master experience
there’s somebody out there who has a
life experience the understanding the
network the capital the thing you need
to be able to achieve it but they’re not
gonna give you what they want or they
don’t give you what you want rather a
need until you first give them what they
want need and you’re not even gonna find
out what they want need until you first
get in a relationship of rapport if you
don’t do that you’re never gonna learn
anything rapport aspire what is a
relationship of rapport rapport means
total responsiveness between people when
someone is totally responding to you and
you’re totally responding that you’re in
rapport there’s that connection it’s
that spark that happens in certain
communications or relationships now
everybody wants to create rapport have
it but most people only get rapport with
people who are like whom themselves and
they lose with everybody else which
means you got a very limited world so we
want to take it to a different level so
let’s say for example if I said to you
right now guys I want you to go out to a
local restaurant a bar and I want you to
meet somebody and I want you to develop
rapport with him a connection with them
how many feel like you do that no
problem say I am and if you’re not
raising your hand you’re probably
selling yourself short of course you
could how would you do it though you
walk in this restaurant a bar you meet
somebody and you engage them in
conversation by asking a few what
questions now is it possible to ask a
few questions and have a conversation go
boom and just die is that possible yes
or no so questions don’t create rapport
questions or a tool use to dig for
something what are you digging for we
ask these questions you’re trying to
find something in what that’s right so
write your notes rapport is created by a
feeling of commonality rapport is
created
by a feeling of commonality rapport is
created by a feeling of commonality only
people when we feel like we have
something in common with someone there’s
a spark now here’s the problem if
rapport is created by a feeling of
commonality most people try to get
rapport by using words but you’ve
already learned something what
percentage of our communication skills
are words what percentage 7% which means
you’re leaving at 93 percent of your
skills which is why most people don’t
get rapport with a large number of
people yeah what do you do you walk in a
restaurant a bar and go hi what’s your
name where are you from why are you here
the person says my name is Habib I’m
from Iraq I’m a terrorist I’m here to
now see words don’t always work do they
but there is something that always works
to get rapport and it’s something called
matching and mirroring matching and
mirroring now matching and mirroring
came about 35 years ago when it’s we’ve
all done matching airing our whole lives
but the person who pointed out was
Milton Erickson dr. Erickson was a
genius what he did was he was a medical
doctor but he also was a psychologist
and a hypnotherapist probably the best
that ever lived and people will come to
see him who try to change everything
anywhere else in their life nothing at
work they see him for one session he’d
handle it and the reason is because he
understood something he understood that
you have both a conscious mind in his
subconscious mind and he knew the
subconscious is more powerful it’s a
part that makes your heart beat a
hundred thousand times a day without him
to think about so he knew if he could
influence your subconscious mind he
could change anything and that’s what he
did but here’s how he did it he had
polio so he was in a wheelchair so he
spent an enormous amount of time
studying people and he began to notice
something about human beings that when
human beings got together if they got in
rapport a relationship of responsiveness
they became like each other in a variety
of ways what he called they mirrored
each other now I’ve taught this for 25
years I’m sure you’ve heard of it and
I’ve written in my books and it’s been
taught in a variety of it areas now but
it’s one thing to know it intellectually
or to understand it
another thing to know it were your doing
it that’s what I want to get you to do
tonight so you have a real experience of
it that you won’t forget but here’s the
basis of it people like people who are
like whom themselves and people don’t
like people who are not like themselves
to be more specific rightness now people
like people who are like themselves or
who are like how they would like to be
people like people who are like
themselves or or how they would like to
be people like people are like
themselves or how they would like to be
so question I’d like you to think of
someone you really really like a lot and
then if you would raise your hand this
person is either like you or they’re
like how you want to be if that’s true
is you can say I of course that’s why I
like them now think of someone you don’t
like I’m sure you like everyone but if
you once were a nun spiritual person and
felt these feelings some of you don’t
like raise your hand if they’re not like
you or they’re not like how you want to
be if that’s true is your hand say aye
and that’s the opposite people don’t
like people who are not like them or are
not like how they want to be that’s the
bottom line of it so this concept
Erikson noticed he used it in the
following way watch me if you came to
see dr. Erikson instead of talking to
you intellectually and trying to get
through to you he’d go right for the
jugular
by getting your nervous system connected
to him getting rapport so if you came to
him and you said dr. Erikson I don’t
know this is a waste of time I’ve I’ve
tried everything and I don’t know I
think I should just go he would do this
he’d go I’m sure it looks that way on
the surface but you haven’t tried this
so you haven’t tried everything and I
think you should stay and the person
would go Oh something about this guy I
like
you know he’s not over-the-top you know
I mean he’s like really real there’s
just something bout him that feels
down-home and real to me right if you
came to see him it’s a dr. Erickson I’ve
tried everything is a waste of my time
I’m out of here
he’d say you sit down you haven’t tried
everything you’ve not done this before
you’re staying right here okay goes hey
I like this guy’s got some spunk kick
ass maybe he could do something see he
became like the people who’s
communicating with and what it was is
whatever they put out he sent the same
message back like biofeedback and didn’t
train them to him
so that when he didn’t told their
unconscious what to do their brain just
did it that was his power now we all do
this naturally you want to some fun gone
tonight to a singles bar and watch
people when they first meet and then you
can see when the reform happens if they
finally sit down and they’ll start to
lean in the same direction I’ll start
nodding your head at the same tempo if
one’s tapping their foot often you’ll
see anyone tap their foot the volume and
tone of their voice will start to mirror
if they’re on a pour you out a rapport
you’ll see them interact opposites of
this nature now if you want to be
effective then mirroring is so easy we
do it naturally but here’s the problem
most people wait till they have enough
words in common then then they put the
voice in common in the body in common
but words only seven percent they don’t
work all the time and by the way do we
judge people in a matter of seconds by
their style yes or no that’s right right
this is your note style is more
important than substance
initially style is more important and
substance initially that sounds terrible
but it’s true style is more important
than substance initially notice I say
initially and you know any substance
it’s not gonna last but you can have
lots of substance and no style and
people never hear a word you say no one
will ever get to know what you believe I
give an example how many of ever dealt
with somebody whose tone of voice alone
drove you up a wall and you couldn’t
listen to anything they said they had
like Dennis trill tonality haven’t even
it was something I could say I okay so
that style gets in the way of substance
now let’s give an example let’s say you
and I want a mirror something we want
someone to feel connected to us and
we’re going to do it on the phone
what are some aspects of the voice that
you could mirror that would make them
unconsciously immediately feel connected
to you what are some aspect you tell me
okay tone of voice as we just said is a
perfect one cuz if you’re talking like
this and they’re talking like this and I
said well I don’t know what do you think
you’re not gonna feel very comfortable
through time tone of voice is huge if
you mirror someone’s tone of voice they
will feel connected to you and not even
know why what else besides tone of voice
could you mirror on the phone okay tempo
what kind of person talks is this pretty
complaints like I’m talking right now
what kind of people talking this
particular pace what part of the country
tends to talk at this pace come on where
well I love country where and new record
we got one New York would be a good
example how do people talk more like
this feel about those fast talking city
slickers do they trust them no they
don’t even know how to say the word dog
how does a fast talking person feel
about a slow talking first one eating
Mary Mary we think Mary what a big man
today Mary goes
Wow well watch nobody’s ever seen this
mismatch between two people right what
else besides speed volume loud talking
people who do they like they love loud
talking people they know you’re a real
man you’re a real woman too who else
likes loud talking people deaf people
like loud talking people but how to
quiet talking people feel about those
loud talking people they’re obnoxious
aren’t they
and of course intelligent people talk
like you and I do don’t they do we judge
people in a matter of seconds by their
volume by by their tone by their tempo
yes or no you better believe we do what
else could you mirror on the phone
terminology key words there’s certain
words people use again and again
if you sell real estate and somebody
comes in and says I’m looking for a
magnificent home do you want to say oh I
have a fantastic place to show you know
I have this experience myself once
I’m looking for no no I got a fantastic
place fantastic a magnificent maybe the
same to you but I guarantee they aren’t
for the other person
if you mirror their words they will feel
heard they will feel understood and they
will also feel you’re as smart as they
are what else besides words tone tempo
volume accent well only if you really
have that accent because you trying to
duplicate it it’s not really your accent
you’re gonna break rapport right what
about the body look could you mirror in
the body if you were there in person
what could you mirror posture is very
powerful they’ll really up right you’re
up right they’re more relaxed you’re
more relaxed what else
gestures watch this if somebody’s
talking and people are funny when
they’re making important points
people have idiosyncratic gestures
idiosyncratic mean gestures that are all
their own so if you’re talking this guy
and he said I don’t think so I think we
ought to do this and he makes this funny
little gesture when he’s talking about
what he really wants to do if you turn
back to him and say you know that’s a
great idea can I ask you a question
though what if we do this instead you
make that same little motion with your
hand and look at him you’d be like a
friend
you think I’m kidding you go out tonight
at dinner
and you find somebody who’s on an angle
to you or in front of you don’t even
look at him just mirror them for five to
ten minutes they reach for the glass
each big last glass is empty no one’s
gonna know it’s just reach for the glass
they bring it up they bring it down
bring it down
they reached a fork reaches a fork five
to ten minutes five minutes usually 10
minutes max after you’ve notice for 5-10
minutes we’ll have some fun reach for
your glass and watch what they do
they’ll reach for it like that it’s
called pacing and leading it’s also
known as entrainment many of you know
that if you go in an old clock shop or
they have those old grandfather clocks
so they have the little pendulum that
once they widen those pendulums start
out different and they all end up in
sync called entrainment women know this
but most men don’t
so I’ll just share this with you women
have the ability be like clocks with
other women when women hang out together
men they literally end up having their
periods at the same time so that all the
men are crazy during that time
as a true lady’s yes or no if they are
poor their periods become in st. so
women’s periods can come in sync you
could get rapport with a stranger across
the room and all you got to do is mirror
them for five or ten minutes and make a
change right it’ll make it happen all
right how many follow so what else
besides posture could you mirror in the
body what else gestures we already said
what else facial expression most of us
if someone’s telling you a story and
they’re like really into their story and
they’re making these faces do you sit
and look at them like this
no you look back and make the same
stupid look back later what about eye
contact a lot of business people and
salespeople and taught a total lie
they’ve been taught like if you’re
really truly going to influence someone
you must look directly into their eyes
and not break eye contact for 45
straight minutes this way they know you
really mean it there’s only one problem
with that problem is people like people
who are like whom themselves so if
you’ve got somebody just stares in your
eyes and doesn’t blink for 45 straight
but it’s gonna freak you out what kind
of person steers your eyes and doesn’t
break eye contact aliens that’s who most
humans look away right so if they look
away give them a break and look away
don’t make them crazy now if you meet
somebody who like locks eyes with you
and doesn’t break eye contact you lock
eyes right back you keep them on for 45
minutes they’ll know you’re an alien –
it’ll build rapport what else what else
besides eye contact facial expressions
gestures posture come on what else
breathing breathing is very powerful one
of the most powerful if you breathe it
the exact same pace as another person
you will feel what they are feeling
period but you got to be in for the same
location the same tempo and breathing is
magnificent because it really hooks you
to this person how many of you can think
of a time in your life when you were
breathing at the same pace as another
person and you felt really close for
some reason anybody think of a time like
that
see I used to do a lot of sexual therapy
for couples and when you help people in
this area you get a practice cuz people
pay anything they’ll fly anywhere taking
this part of their life handle so I end
up with a six-month waiting list no
exaggeration I mean every single day
booked and people if you calling me
based on referrals cuz I help their
friends and they’d be like I gotta see
it Gus you gotta see you now and I’m
like I got a six-month waiting list
no no god I’ll pay for your lunch time
I’ll buy your dinner
look I really how about I refer you to
somebody I’ve trained it lots to be my
friend no it’s gotta be you so here’s
how I would deal with it I would say
okay I will give you one of my lunches
if you take an assignment I give me but
first you got to answer some questions
honestly here’s the first question
when you make love do you breathe in
unison while you’re making love and
antara bleah the guy will go huh
can I say let me explain you’re you’re
telling me about all these things you’re
upset with each other about and you talk
about these things too you’re blue in
the face but the real problem is you
don’t feel connected you don’t feel well
and I said you don’t have that feeling
of total oneness with each other until I
can more about this not gonna change it
so if you really want to change this I
suggest you do this and if you do what
I’m telling you still need me I’ll give
you one of my lunches so I want you to I
want you to do I want you gone I want
you to go up for an hour and a half
minimum and while you’re doing it I want
you to breathe in unison the entire time
with each other because what happens is
you feel totally connected as one out of
who knows three four dozen people I
asked to do that only one person ever
called us back and wanted to be able to
do session because the bond is there so
try it not now later this evening plus
the great thing about marrying
somebody’s breathing it’s very subtle
no one’s gonna jump on their chair and
say would you stop marrying my breathing
they’re not gonna notice so you got
breathing you got posture you got
gestures you got facial expressions you
got eye contact what else could you
mirror come on use your brain I know the
answer I want to see if you come up with
it come on what else could you mirror
proximity good what does proximity mean
proximity means everybody has a certain
amount of space that they need to be
comfortable and it’s different for every
single person you’re gonna meet in your
life so if I come walking up here like
this and I start walking
they along here and I walk up to this
lady here she was comfortable right now
him I come here I’m right on the edge of
her comfort zone am i right you can see
it in her face how do I know because the
muscles are neck went ain’t face my aunt
it all tighten and she stopped breathing
that’s a clue now that doesn’t mean she
doesn’t want you to come closer but
that’s the first moment of her starting
to feel impact and I come right back to
here there we go now she’s breathing
again how many could see the difference
can you see it
you can see all of a sudden her but
she’s reading it so this is more comfort
what’s the difference here versus here
how believe had somebody do this when
they get this close to your face and you
just want to punch them how many have
this experience and they almost always
have bad breath too don’t they so in
some of the and are there people like
that to get this most in your face yes
or no now if you pull back though you
just broke rapport cuz that’s what they
need to feel good so you got to like
hang in there with those people so it’s
different for every person that you meet
so how do you know do you just guess no
you use your sensory what acuity you
have acute sensitivity see what’s the
impact on getting here is it’s working
all I can come closer or not where is it
and it can change to someone can have
initial reaction then they let you
closer but you pay attention because if
you don’t do this breaking rapport in
this area people don’t even think when
you’re in their space and everybody’s
got different space who here freaks out
when somebody gets too close there’s
some people I’m sure in this room that
are total freak outs about this you
ma’am and the black what’s your name
Lisa I want to come down come on give
Lisa come on down here come on down and
run down here at least run down here run
down here run down here oh it’s your
face oh there we go it’s the face see
she’s one of body-block me did you
notice that you guys boom we can hit
bodies that’s okay but the face watch
what happens if you get in the face so
you enjoying the seminar what’s been
your favorite part not this part where
now notice once you get too close to her
face did you see how many saw that
instant reaction okay she not only pulls
back she snaps to the side because some
people most people have like a force
field who have this experience hers is
more just the face and you got close
closer to her her chest or something
like that they they’ll do one of things
so this kind of person backs off but
most people are more subtle if you get
too close here’s what they do they start
kind of you’ll see them as they’re
talking and they’re kind of wavering
back and forth if you notice their ass
is moving them further and further back
from you right or or they’ll do this
they’ll turn sideways because what does
that do creates a sense of space okay so
everyone’s different now hers hers is
not the body and she’s kind of being
playful now here with this as well but
the face normally is something for her
that’s an effect now she’s going
different she says okay I’m comfortable
with you give her hand thank you very
now there’s another one that’s
critically important that’s touch now
you can get more rapport by touching
some people than by anything you could
ever say but again you’re gonna have
some sensory acuity you can’t go up and
go he looks like a touch her hey man I
love your hair love your hair really
good that’s really cool really good you
do that you could get killed but he’s a
nice man so he didn’t kill me so we got
to notice there’s notice how the man
shakes hands like he shakes hands he
puts one hand top the other genisys he
reached over he just I shook his hand
immediately he brings the other hand on
top like this and when he does it some
people they shake your hand they like
squeeze it see thing and break a few of
your blood vessels you know just to show
they’re a real man other people they got
that fish handshake and
but if they fish you you got to fish
them back yeah here we go fish fish hey
cuz that builds rapport but in his case
it’s like boom boom alright you get more
connection rapport with him with that
touch than anything you could ever say
thank you so notice how does a person
touch somebody like even it’s in
business notice how the business woman
or man touches their assistant in a
non-sexual way and this notice if they
come along and he comes my honey goes
thanks a lot Tony hits me like this
three times on the shoulder and I come
back and I say thank you John
I’ll get more rapport by that touch than
by anything that I could say to him so
touch and proximity are huge huge now
you might say well this is interesting
Tony but what are you suggesting are you
saying something like okay they sit down
I sit down enough to mirror everything
someone does that rapport it’s not like
they lift their leg you lift your leg
they lean forward you lean for they sit
back they you sit back you don’t have to
do that although believe it or not you
can do a lot people not even notice but
for example you get rapport just with
the leg position and maybe the tone of
voice
because physiology is 55 percent of
communication if you’re sitting there
let’s say let’s say you cross your leg
like this can I cross my leg like this
while we’re talking yes or no it’ll feel
comfortable to you so you start bouncing
your foot like this back and forth
can I bounce my for the same tempo if I
do you’ll feel totally connected to me
we do it the same tempo and by the way I
can do it for a while and then if I
don’t like it I can slow it down and
he’ll slow yours down that’s pacing and
leading again but if you do this if they
cross their leg and now they go ahead
across you don’t have to uncross the
moment and cross wait to go to say
something and say you know what because
when you go to speak speaking requires a
change of physiology and no will ever
notice what you’re doing alright very
unique now it is true if you know they
leaned for it are you saying well right
they lean forward I leave or they lean
back I lean back they cross the leg I
cross my they pick their nose I pick my
nose
exactly no you don’t have to do
everything and if you start going like
this when they’re mirroring you start
after about 20 minutes ago what’s wrong
with you but you’d be surprised you can
mirror people and be mirroring almost
everything they’re doing and they rarely have ever noticed it right
notes anywhere you want there’s no place
where just write rapport is power
rapport is power earlier today we said
anything you want to achieve anything
you want to learn master experience
there’s somebody out there who has a
life experience the understanding the
network the capital the thing you need
to be able to achieve it but they’re not
gonna give you what they want or they
don’t give you what you want rather a
need until you first give them what they
want need and you’re not even gonna find
out what they want need until you first
get in a relationship of rapport if you
don’t do that you’re never gonna learn
anything rapport aspire what is a
relationship of rapport rapport means
total responsiveness between people when
someone is totally responding to you and
you’re totally responding that you’re in
rapport there’s that connection it’s
that spark that happens in certain
communications or relationships now
everybody wants to create rapport have
it but most people only get rapport with
people who are like whom themselves and
they lose with everybody else which
means you got a very limited world so we
want to take it to a different level so
let’s say for example if I said to you
right now guys I want you to go out to a
local restaurant a bar and I want you to
meet somebody and I want you to develop
rapport with him a connection with them
how many feel like you do that no
problem say I am and if you’re not
raising your hand you’re probably
selling yourself short of course you
could how would you do it though you
walk in this restaurant a bar you meet
somebody and you engage them in
conversation by asking a few what
questions now is it possible to ask a
few questions and have a conversation go
boom and just die is that possible yes
or no so questions don’t create rapport
questions or a tool use to dig for
something what are you digging for we
ask these questions you’re trying to
find something in what that’s right so
write your notes rapport is created by a
feeling of commonality rapport is
created
by a feeling of commonality rapport is
created by a feeling of commonality only
people when we feel like we have
something in common with someone there’s
a spark now here’s the problem if
rapport is created by a feeling of
commonality most people try to get
rapport by using words but you’ve
already learned something what
percentage of our communication skills
are words what percentage 7% which means
you’re leaving at 93 percent of your
skills which is why most people don’t
get rapport with a large number of
people yeah what do you do you walk in a
restaurant a bar and go hi what’s your
name where are you from why are you here
the person says my name is Habib I’m
from Iraq I’m a terrorist I’m here to
now see words don’t always work do they
but there is something that always works
to get rapport and it’s something called
matching and mirroring matching and
mirroring now matching and mirroring
came about 35 years ago when it’s we’ve
all done matching airing our whole lives
but the person who pointed out was
Milton Erickson dr. Erickson was a
genius what he did was he was a medical
doctor but he also was a psychologist
and a hypnotherapist probably the best
that ever lived and people will come to
see him who try to change everything
anywhere else in their life nothing at
work they see him for one session he’d
handle it and the reason is because he
understood something he understood that
you have both a conscious mind in his
subconscious mind and he knew the
subconscious is more powerful it’s a
part that makes your heart beat a
hundred thousand times a day without him
to think about so he knew if he could
influence your subconscious mind he
could change anything and that’s what he
did but here’s how he did it he had
polio so he was in a wheelchair so he
spent an enormous amount of time
studying people and he began to notice
something about human beings that when
human beings got together if they got in
rapport a relationship of responsiveness
they became like each other in a variety
of ways what he called they mirrored
each other now I’ve taught this for 25
years I’m sure you’ve heard of it and
I’ve written in my books and it’s been
taught in a variety of it areas now but
it’s one thing to know it intellectually
or to understand it
another thing to know it were your doing
it that’s what I want to get you to do
tonight so you have a real experience of
it that you won’t forget but here’s the
basis of it people like people who are
like whom themselves and people don’t
like people who are not like themselves
to be more specific rightness now people
like people who are like themselves or
who are like how they would like to be
people like people who are like
themselves or or how they would like to
be people like people are like
themselves or how they would like to be
so question I’d like you to think of
someone you really really like a lot and
then if you would raise your hand this
person is either like you or they’re
like how you want to be if that’s true
is you can say I of course that’s why I
like them now think of someone you don’t
like I’m sure you like everyone but if
you once were a nun spiritual person and
felt these feelings some of you don’t
like raise your hand if they’re not like
you or they’re not like how you want to
be if that’s true is your hand say aye
and that’s the opposite people don’t
like people who are not like them or are
not like how they want to be that’s the
bottom line of it so this concept
Erikson noticed he used it in the
following way watch me if you came to
see dr. Erikson instead of talking to
you intellectually and trying to get
through to you he’d go right for the
jugular
by getting your nervous system connected
to him getting rapport so if you came to
him and you said dr. Erikson I don’t
know this is a waste of time I’ve I’ve
tried everything and I don’t know I
think I should just go he would do this
he’d go I’m sure it looks that way on
the surface but you haven’t tried this
so you haven’t tried everything and I
think you should stay and the person
would go Oh something about this guy I
like
you know he’s not over-the-top you know
I mean he’s like really real there’s
just something bout him that feels
down-home and real to me right if you
came to see him it’s a dr. Erickson I’ve
tried everything is a waste of my time
I’m out of here
he’d say you sit down you haven’t tried
everything you’ve not done this before
you’re staying right here okay goes hey
I like this guy’s got some spunk kick
ass maybe he could do something see he
became like the people who’s
communicating with and what it was is
whatever they put out he sent the same
message back like biofeedback and didn’t
train them to him
so that when he didn’t told their
unconscious what to do their brain just
did it that was his power now we all do
this naturally you want to some fun gone
tonight to a singles bar and watch
people when they first meet and then you
can see when the reform happens if they
finally sit down and they’ll start to
lean in the same direction I’ll start
nodding your head at the same tempo if
one’s tapping their foot often you’ll
see anyone tap their foot the volume and
tone of their voice will start to mirror
if they’re on a pour you out a rapport
you’ll see them interact opposites of
this nature now if you want to be
effective then mirroring is so easy we
do it naturally but here’s the problem
most people wait till they have enough
words in common then then they put the
voice in common in the body in common
but words only seven percent they don’t
work all the time and by the way do we
judge people in a matter of seconds by
their style yes or no that’s right right
this is your note style is more
important than substance
initially style is more important and
substance initially that sounds terrible
but it’s true style is more important
than substance initially notice I say
initially and you know any substance
it’s not gonna last but you can have
lots of substance and no style and
people never hear a word you say no one
will ever get to know what you believe I
give an example how many of ever dealt
with somebody whose tone of voice alone
drove you up a wall and you couldn’t
listen to anything they said they had
like Dennis trill tonality haven’t even
it was something I could say I okay so
that style gets in the way of substance
now let’s give an example let’s say you
and I want a mirror something we want
someone to feel connected to us and
we’re going to do it on the phone
what are some aspects of the voice that
you could mirror that would make them
unconsciously immediately feel connected
to you what are some aspect you tell me
okay tone of voice as we just said is a
perfect one cuz if you’re talking like
this and they’re talking like this and I
said well I don’t know what do you think
you’re not gonna feel very comfortable
through time tone of voice is huge if
you mirror someone’s tone of voice they
will feel connected to you and not even
know why what else besides tone of voice
could you mirror on the phone okay tempo
what kind of person talks is this pretty
complaints like I’m talking right now
what kind of people talking this
particular pace what part of the country
tends to talk at this pace come on where
well I love country where and new record
we got one New York would be a good
example how do people talk more like
this feel about those fast talking city
slickers do they trust them no they
don’t even know how to say the word dog
how does a fast talking person feel
about a slow talking first one eating
Mary Mary we think Mary what a big man
today Mary goes
Wow well watch nobody’s ever seen this
mismatch between two people right what
else besides speed volume loud talking
people who do they like they love loud
talking people they know you’re a real
man you’re a real woman too who else
likes loud talking people deaf people
like loud talking people but how to
quiet talking people feel about those
loud talking people they’re obnoxious
aren’t they
and of course intelligent people talk
like you and I do don’t they do we judge
people in a matter of seconds by their
volume by by their tone by their tempo
yes or no you better believe we do what
else could you mirror on the phone
terminology key words there’s certain
words people use again and again
if you sell real estate and somebody
comes in and says I’m looking for a
magnificent home do you want to say oh I
have a fantastic place to show you know
I have this experience myself once
I’m looking for no no I got a fantastic
place fantastic a magnificent maybe the
same to you but I guarantee they aren’t
for the other person
if you mirror their words they will feel
heard they will feel understood and they
will also feel you’re as smart as they
are what else besides words tone tempo
volume accent well only if you really
have that accent because you trying to
duplicate it it’s not really your accent
you’re gonna break rapport right what
about the body look could you mirror in
the body if you were there in person
what could you mirror posture is very
powerful they’ll really up right you’re
up right they’re more relaxed you’re
more relaxed what else
gestures watch this if somebody’s
talking and people are funny when
they’re making important points
people have idiosyncratic gestures
idiosyncratic mean gestures that are all
their own so if you’re talking this guy
and he said I don’t think so I think we
ought to do this and he makes this funny
little gesture when he’s talking about
what he really wants to do if you turn
back to him and say you know that’s a
great idea can I ask you a question
though what if we do this instead you
make that same little motion with your
hand and look at him you’d be like a
friend
you think I’m kidding you go out tonight
at dinner
and you find somebody who’s on an angle
to you or in front of you don’t even
look at him just mirror them for five to
ten minutes they reach for the glass
each big last glass is empty no one’s
gonna know it’s just reach for the glass
they bring it up they bring it down
bring it down
they reached a fork reaches a fork five
to ten minutes five minutes usually 10
minutes max after you’ve notice for 5-10
minutes we’ll have some fun reach for
your glass and watch what they do
they’ll reach for it like that it’s
called pacing and leading it’s also
known as entrainment many of you know
that if you go in an old clock shop or
they have those old grandfather clocks
so they have the little pendulum that
once they widen those pendulums start
out different and they all end up in
sync called entrainment women know this
but most men don’t
so I’ll just share this with you women
have the ability be like clocks with
other women when women hang out together
men they literally end up having their
periods at the same time so that all the
men are crazy during that time
as a true lady’s yes or no if they are
poor their periods become in st. so
women’s periods can come in sync you
could get rapport with a stranger across
the room and all you got to do is mirror
them for five or ten minutes and make a
change right it’ll make it happen all
right how many follow so what else
besides posture could you mirror in the
body what else gestures we already said
what else facial expression most of us
if someone’s telling you a story and
they’re like really into their story and
they’re making these faces do you sit
and look at them like this
no you look back and make the same
stupid look back later what about eye
contact a lot of business people and
salespeople and taught a total lie
they’ve been taught like if you’re
really truly going to influence someone
you must look directly into their eyes
and not break eye contact for 45
straight minutes this way they know you
really mean it there’s only one problem
with that problem is people like people
who are like whom themselves so if
you’ve got somebody just stares in your
eyes and doesn’t blink for 45 straight
but it’s gonna freak you out what kind
of person steers your eyes and doesn’t
break eye contact aliens that’s who most
humans look away right so if they look
away give them a break and look away
don’t make them crazy now if you meet
somebody who like locks eyes with you
and doesn’t break eye contact you lock
eyes right back you keep them on for 45
minutes they’ll know you’re an alien –
it’ll build rapport what else what else
besides eye contact facial expressions
gestures posture come on what else
breathing breathing is very powerful one
of the most powerful if you breathe it
the exact same pace as another person
you will feel what they are feeling
period but you got to be in for the same
location the same tempo and breathing is
magnificent because it really hooks you
to this person how many of you can think
of a time in your life when you were
breathing at the same pace as another
person and you felt really close for
some reason anybody think of a time like
that
see I used to do a lot of sexual therapy
for couples and when you help people in
this area you get a practice cuz people
pay anything they’ll fly anywhere taking
this part of their life handle so I end
up with a six-month waiting list no
exaggeration I mean every single day
booked and people if you calling me
based on referrals cuz I help their
friends and they’d be like I gotta see
it Gus you gotta see you now and I’m
like I got a six-month waiting list
no no god I’ll pay for your lunch time
I’ll buy your dinner
look I really how about I refer you to
somebody I’ve trained it lots to be my
friend no it’s gotta be you so here’s
how I would deal with it I would say
okay I will give you one of my lunches
if you take an assignment I give me but
first you got to answer some questions
honestly here’s the first question
when you make love do you breathe in
unison while you’re making love and
antara bleah the guy will go huh
can I say let me explain you’re you’re
telling me about all these things you’re
upset with each other about and you talk
about these things too you’re blue in
the face but the real problem is you
don’t feel connected you don’t feel well
and I said you don’t have that feeling
of total oneness with each other until I
can more about this not gonna change it
so if you really want to change this I
suggest you do this and if you do what
I’m telling you still need me I’ll give
you one of my lunches so I want you to I
want you to do I want you gone I want
you to go up for an hour and a half
minimum and while you’re doing it I want
you to breathe in unison the entire time
with each other because what happens is
you feel totally connected as one out of
who knows three four dozen people I
asked to do that only one person ever
called us back and wanted to be able to
do session because the bond is there so
try it not now later this evening plus
the great thing about marrying
somebody’s breathing it’s very subtle
no one’s gonna jump on their chair and
say would you stop marrying my breathing
they’re not gonna notice so you got
breathing you got posture you got
gestures you got facial expressions you
got eye contact what else could you
mirror come on use your brain I know the
answer I want to see if you come up with
it come on what else could you mirror
proximity good what does proximity mean
proximity means everybody has a certain
amount of space that they need to be
comfortable and it’s different for every
single person you’re gonna meet in your
life so if I come walking up here like
this and I start walking
they along here and I walk up to this
lady here she was comfortable right now
him I come here I’m right on the edge of
her comfort zone am i right you can see
it in her face how do I know because the
muscles are neck went ain’t face my aunt
it all tighten and she stopped breathing
that’s a clue now that doesn’t mean she
doesn’t want you to come closer but
that’s the first moment of her starting
to feel impact and I come right back to
here there we go now she’s breathing
again how many could see the difference
can you see it
you can see all of a sudden her but
she’s reading it so this is more comfort
what’s the difference here versus here
how believe had somebody do this when
they get this close to your face and you
just want to punch them how many have
this experience and they almost always
have bad breath too don’t they so in
some of the and are there people like
that to get this most in your face yes
or no now if you pull back though you
just broke rapport cuz that’s what they
need to feel good so you got to like
hang in there with those people so it’s
different for every person that you meet
so how do you know do you just guess no
you use your sensory what acuity you
have acute sensitivity see what’s the
impact on getting here is it’s working
all I can come closer or not where is it
and it can change to someone can have
initial reaction then they let you
closer but you pay attention because if
you don’t do this breaking rapport in
this area people don’t even think when
you’re in their space and everybody’s
got different space who here freaks out
when somebody gets too close there’s
some people I’m sure in this room that
are total freak outs about this you
ma’am and the black what’s your name
Lisa I want to come down come on give
Lisa come on down here come on down and
run down here at least run down here run
down here run down here oh it’s your
face oh there we go it’s the face see
she’s one of body-block me did you
notice that you guys boom we can hit
bodies that’s okay but the face watch
what happens if you get in the face so
you enjoying the seminar what’s been
your favorite part not this part where
now notice once you get too close to her
face did you see how many saw that
instant reaction okay she not only pulls
back she snaps to the side because some
people most people have like a force
field who have this experience hers is
more just the face and you got close
closer to her her chest or something
like that they they’ll do one of things
so this kind of person backs off but
most people are more subtle if you get
too close here’s what they do they start
kind of you’ll see them as they’re
talking and they’re kind of wavering
back and forth if you notice their ass
is moving them further and further back
from you right or or they’ll do this
they’ll turn sideways because what does
that do creates a sense of space okay so
everyone’s different now hers hers is
not the body and she’s kind of being
playful now here with this as well but
the face normally is something for her
that’s an effect now she’s going
different she says okay I’m comfortable
with you give her hand thank you very
now there’s another one that’s
critically important that’s touch now
you can get more rapport by touching
some people than by anything you could
ever say but again you’re gonna have
some sensory acuity you can’t go up and
go he looks like a touch her hey man I
love your hair love your hair really
good that’s really cool really good you
do that you could get killed but he’s a
nice man so he didn’t kill me so we got
to notice there’s notice how the man
shakes hands like he shakes hands he
puts one hand top the other genisys he
reached over he just I shook his hand
immediately he brings the other hand on
top like this and when he does it some
people they shake your hand they like
squeeze it see thing and break a few of
your blood vessels you know just to show
they’re a real man other people they got
that fish handshake and
but if they fish you you got to fish
them back yeah here we go fish fish hey
cuz that builds rapport but in his case
it’s like boom boom alright you get more
connection rapport with him with that
touch than anything you could ever say
thank you so notice how does a person
touch somebody like even it’s in
business notice how the business woman
or man touches their assistant in a
non-sexual way and this notice if they
come along and he comes my honey goes
thanks a lot Tony hits me like this
three times on the shoulder and I come
back and I say thank you John
I’ll get more rapport by that touch than
by anything that I could say to him so
touch and proximity are huge huge now
you might say well this is interesting
Tony but what are you suggesting are you
saying something like okay they sit down
I sit down enough to mirror everything
someone does that rapport it’s not like
they lift their leg you lift your leg
they lean forward you lean for they sit
back they you sit back you don’t have to
do that although believe it or not you
can do a lot people not even notice but
for example you get rapport just with
the leg position and maybe the tone of
voice
because physiology is 55 percent of
communication if you’re sitting there
let’s say let’s say you cross your leg
like this can I cross my leg like this
while we’re talking yes or no it’ll feel
comfortable to you so you start bouncing
your foot like this back and forth
can I bounce my for the same tempo if I
do you’ll feel totally connected to me
we do it the same tempo and by the way I
can do it for a while and then if I
don’t like it I can slow it down and
he’ll slow yours down that’s pacing and
leading again but if you do this if they
cross their leg and now they go ahead
across you don’t have to uncross the
moment and cross wait to go to say
something and say you know what because
when you go to speak speaking requires a
change of physiology and no will ever
notice what you’re doing alright very
unique now it is true if you know they
leaned for it are you saying well right
they lean forward I leave or they lean
back I lean back they cross the leg I
cross my they pick their nose I pick my
nose
exactly no you don’t have to do
everything and if you start going like
this when they’re mirroring you start
after about 20 minutes ago what’s wrong
with you but you’d be surprised you can
mirror people and be mirroring almost
everything they’re doing and they rarely have ever noticed it right
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