what’s up everybody welcome to the
YouTube Hangout at super excited to be
back here with my friend who’s already
clapping it up mr. lewis howes if you
guys don’t know Louis he’s got one of my
favorite YouTube channels called school
to greatness has an amazing podcast I
don’t listen to the podcast I’m a
youtube consumer but I watch all his
stuff and he’s got two books out one
super recent one that we’re gonna be
talking about today called the mask of
masculinity Louis welcome back man
thanks man I’ll put it here just for
this short quick promo good to be back
man I appreciate it and congratulations
on a million subscribers that’s a huge
accomplishment so I’m excited to get
there maybe in ten years I’ll reach your
level oh you’re you’re growing fast man
I love you got the consistent content
going up to you guys let’s get Lewis in
love go subscribe to his channel a lot
of great content tell us about the book
that like what for people who I know
you’ve been I mean you’ve been talking
about it forever on your channel you’ve
been writing the book you’ve been asking
interview questions from people coming
on now it’s out like what’s the premise
so for people who aren’t super familiar
with your content a book is no joke man
it’s a lot of work I know you’re you’re
working on one of you have one but so
it’s been a journey and the premise is
essentially there’s a lot of pain and
suffering in the world when we look at
the world today in the last six months
alone we see a number of things that are
happening in the media from racial
marches when Charlottesville from
bombings all these different venues all
over the world to now killings and
churches which is crazy shootings in
Vegas to a ton of sexual abuse and
sexual harassment that’s been coming out
from a lot of these men to domestic
violence to a lot of suicides addictions
all these challenges in the common
denominator with everything we’re
hearing about in the media right now is
it it’s men men who are involved in
these harmful acts and I wanted to dive
deeper into understanding why why are
men so conditioned to not respond from
love or why are men not conditioned to
be vulnerable or open up or
to share their feelings in certain ways
and why I’ve made me conditioned to not
share their feelings or to not
communicate how they feel and what are
the negative effects that happen when
human beings in general don’t express
how they feel in healthy forms it starts
to manifest into cancer disease
addiction lashing out in other harmful
ways and at the end of the day we’re all
trying to fit in we’re all trying to
belong we’re all trying to be accepted
to be loved and when we don’t feel that
we put on masks to try to fit in
we put on a persona to try to get other
people to like us or to accept us in the
group and those masks serve us on a
surface level by getting us results
getting us Awards getting us
accomplishments getting us the
girlfriend the guy friends getting us to
whatever but underneath it when we are
constantly being someone who were not
we’re constantly putting on something
that’s false
we’re always resenting ourselves
underneath that and it’s never enough
and so I just wanted to kind of unpack
it with research with psychologists and
really understand why and then how can
we address it once we are aware of the
different things that we do as men and
what are some tools that can help us
move forward that’s what it is so the
first thing that comes to mind is how do
we even I think a lot of times we do it
subconsciously you don’t even notice
you’re doing it and you don’t want to
admit it
so how before you can fix a problem how
do you even identify that you’re doing
this very very challenging because I
just thought like well this is just who
I am so don’t try to like give me
feedback on anything and don’t try to do
this I think it’s you’ve got to be
willing to be aware you’ve got to be
willing to look within and usually that
happens when something drastic happens
in your life when you go through a
divorce a breakup you get injured you
have a near-death experience someone in
your life has a near-death experience or
passes away you know you’re addicted to
things and you go to rehab you
there’s something you get fired from
your job these moments where we start to
say okay something is not working I’m in
a breakdown what do I need to reevaluate
what’s what’s not working how can I look
within and change you know maybe you get
really sick you’re become overweight and
you get sick and if you’re the hospital
you say okay something’s off with my
health let me check with within myself
why am i addicted to eating why did I
not take care of myself why did I not
not do these things so unfortunately
usually a lot of the time it’s hard to
see unless something drastic happens and
that’s a challenge because for many
years I was getting big results in
sports big results in business and so
when people would give me feedback I was
like don’t give me feedback I’m getting
bigger results in you so what can you
teach me you know I was leading with
this mask in this ego nose like you know
don’t try to change me what I’m doing is
working so why would I ever change when
I’m making the money and getting these
results and getting these
accomplishments so why change so it’s
very challenging I think to look within
and just ask yourself these questions
when things seem to be going right on
the outside but for me I was always
suffering in my inner world I think we
live in two worlds the outer world and
the inner world in my inner world was
suffering where everyone else in the
outer world was like man you’re killing
it Louis like you’re doing so many great
things like how are you doing this but
they didn’t feel and understand my inner
world and and I didn’t really understand
it either why I was constantly suffering
so it wasn’t until I fully was able to
unpack a lot of this stuff that I was
holding on to the frustrations from you
know the sexual abuse that I went
through and holding on to that from
frustrations with my parents when I was
a kid frustrations with like bullying
that I went through all the things that
I went through and that is normal for a
lot of kids you know a lot of things I
went through a lot of other kids have
been through as well so it’s not like I
had some tragic different experiences
that were so much more tragic than
people but they affected me in a way
where I didn’t know how to express them
I didn’t know how to move through it I
didn’t know how to communicate and there
weren’t really tools available for me I
a kid to be like oh when you’re feeling
this way here’s what you do when someone
sexually abused you here’s the number of
call or here’s the group of people to
talk to you know you don’t know what to
do at 5 7 10 13 you’re just trying to
fit in you know you’re just trying to
like have a few friends like you and not
get rejected by the girl that you like
and whatever and make the sports team
and so that conditioning over years and
years and then as men in society in
general I don’t want to miss a all men
but in general my experience it’s not
acceptable to express how you feel
especially in sports growing up in
America if I was ever sensitive or
showed a vulnerability or pain in any
way you know a coach a teammate would be
like don’t be a little girl don’t be
this don’t be that don’t be a wuss
toughen up let’s go be a man don’t show
weakness and so when you are rewarded
for playing through the pain and
greatjob way to be tough and not like
show emotion and when you are not
rewarded for opening up and being
vulnerable and expressing yourself then
you start to put on those masks and say
okay well again I want to fit in I want
to be accepted so I want people to like
me and I want to do the things that are
getting me the rewards so what led to
that shift for you like why now you what
what change like you had the success
experiences growing up and for those of
you guys who don’t know lewis was on the
fast track to be a professional athlete
and then had a major injury and
depression and sleep on sister’s couch
and you know like why now is the time
what happened that made you go deep to
figure this out yeah four years ago I I
gotten I was starting to get into like
just a lot more arguments with people
with my my girlfriend and then I at the
time we’re going through like a lot of
ups and downs and I wasn’t necessarily
arguing with her because I didn’t have
the emotional courage to really express
how I truly felt with her so I just kind
of let her take advantage of me or just
like say what she wanted I was just like
okay I’ll do whatever you need but I
would take that aggression out into the
real world so I’d go play sports
and then I’d get aggressive with like
guys in the sports on a basketball court
because that’s what I knew you know it’s
like okay take all my energy and
aggression out on the sports playing
field because that’s a safe space for
guys to be guys and to be rough and to
be whatever and to express ourselves and
I started to get more and more reactive
to people when they would say things to
me or talk trash or like elbow me a
weird way I would it was like I was so
quick to defend myself cuz I felt like
everyone was out to get me everyone was
attacking me my girlfriend
these people here people in business I
just felt like everyone was trying to
attack me and I was like why why are
people costly attacking me you know I’m
just trying to be a good person and like
make people happy and it was happening
with my business partner as well I was
reactive to him whenever I felt attacked
by him I was reactive and I got in a
really bad fight in a basketball court
one guy hit me he head-butted me and so
I said okay that gives me the
justification to hit him back and to
kind of go all out and I got in a fight
with this guy who hit me
and justified it by saying I was
defending myself which I probably could
have just walked away but I think it’s
hard when you get hit in the face to
just walk away and that’s how I
justified it and after that fight I was
just like why am I getting in this fight
like why do I allow myself to even react
in any way when someone says something
to me like why do I give that person
power over me to say oh I’m so hurt by
your words that I’m going to put my
attention on you and react in a way of
fighting you and that’s when everything
started there like wake up for me I was
like okay things are not working this
experience of being in this fight this
constant like up and down with my
girlfriend relationship this business
partnership was like a lot of tension I
was just like okay the fight was kind of
like the break the break down that I
needed to be like what’s going on how
can I solve whatever is happening and so
I started to reach out to friends who
said you know you should talk to this
therapist friend of mine check out this
coach you should check out this workshop
and I just did it all I was like okay
I’ll talk to whoever and I did therapy
sessions I did coaching sessions I went
to different workshops and in one of the
workshops I went to it really created a
space in an experience experience for me
to to address all the things that I was
holding on to from my past that had hurt
me and to talk about them in a safe
space for the first time and it allowed
me to open up and express all the things
I was frustrated by or hurt by err
holding on to from people that had done
things to me or whatever in the past and
it allowed me to open up for the first
time about being sexually abused after
25 years of no one knowing because I was
so ashamed of it and all that made me
realize wow once I start talking about
things saying these things and
expressing these things I felt a sense
of freedom of a sense of peace that I’d
never felt in my life and the more I
started talking about the sexual abuse
I’ve been through other men came to me
and said thank you for sharing and
opening up I’ve been married for 20
years my wife doesn’t know that this
happened to me it was a kid you know
I’ve never been able to tell anyone like
men just started emailing me and saying
you’re my hero thank you for opening up
and giving me permission to start
talking about it with my friends and
family I was like wow really like the
thing I’m most afraid of people knowing
about me gave them actually the most
freedom in their life when they when we
had that conversation and it gave me a
sense of peace and it gave me a sense of
like forgiveness and letting go that I’d
never had before I was just like if all
men and all human beings but I think men
in general who traditionally aren’t as
open to express themselves were able to
let go of the things that make them hurt
sad frustrated and angry or whatever
maybe we can communicate them in
healthier forms then I don’t think all
this stuff would be happening that we’re
seeing in the media and I feel like
humanity would be elevated on on a
higher level that’s an awesome story man
thank you for sharing it and putting it
out in the words I wonder I like how
much of that is still an ongoing
Jurnee like have you solved it like if
that guy bless you if he punched you in
the face how would you react now it’s a
great question I think anytime I feel
like if someone’s gonna physically harm
me I would try to just more not put
myself in that situation this time so if
someone was yapping at me or something I
would just be like okay I’m walking away
but if someone actually hit me I don’t
know if I’m like that you know risen to
the mountaintops to be like I’m gonna
turn the other cheek and just like
pummel me to death I will defend myself
someone hits me but I think I’m a much
more wiser to defuse situations and to
use my emotional intelligence to be like
hey let’s come to a resolution of peace
here and not me jump back at you and you
come to me and then us escalated meat
you know it’s like so I think I’ve
learned to have tools of not reacting
when things like that happen and listen
I’m still not perfect I still react to
people when I feel attacked you know
there’s someone who’s been attacking me
lately over email that I’m like I feel
like there’s no reason with this person
and I’ve just said okay I’m at peace
with not having a resolution and you
know you having this opinion about me
and okay have a good time I wish you
best so I think it’s challenging because
it’s an ongoing journey and even though
I’m aware of it I still make mistakes I
still have challenges I still have
things I’m working through but I’m able
to breathe into it to meditate to think
about it later reflect on it and say
okay how can I do things better the next
time if this comes up again how can I
come from a different place and not
react to people but come from a place of
peace or love or just letting it go
right so I noticed a number of different
strategies in the book and how to deal
with it
what do you think has been either the
most effective for you or just the most
widely resonate with the audience as
here’s a good strategy for the next guy
who’s yapping at you and the basketball
field they’re like corn or like giving
you those emails well here’s the thing I
think the best route
before anything happens to practice in
the beginning of the day running through
different events that could happen that
day huh so I am and I’m sure you’ve seen
a lot of people that you’ve done your
videos with on YouTube about the power
of visualization and mindset I’m sure
there’s a lot of the videos you have are
about that are people talking about that
I am all for the power of visualizing
what you want and manifesting what she
wants but I also learn this from sports
to visualize when everything goes wrong
how do you respond huh a lot of people
don’t do this but I learned this in
football well what if this happens and
it’s muddy and things slip and I drop
the ball and I’m slipping and what if
someone tackles me and I’m injured and
this how do I am I gonna respond when
everything hits the fan and so in the
mornings I prepare myself I’ll meditate
and visualize and create and go through
my process of what I want to create that
day but then I also say okay life isn’t
always perfect and it doesn’t always
come the exact way I visualize it I wish
it did but sometimes there’s detours so
I’ll say okay I’m going to a meeting
today and I have to get in my car where
to get in an uber and LA traffic is
always an interesting time interesting
experience so if someone cuts me off
if someone nudges me if someone flips me
off if someone does this am I gonna be
reactive am I gonna go up next to them
in my car and flip them off back or am I
gonna breathe smile and turn my music up
and focus on my vision so I go through
these experience what if someone tweets
me a nasty tweet today or attacks me or
leave me a one-star review and doesn’t
leave their name because they’re a
coward how do I want to feel how do I
want to respond do I defend myself for
three hours trying to talk about all the
things that they’re wrong about and make
myself right
or do I say thank you for the feedback
and have a great day do you pick like
the things that have that that have
happened that you’ve known you’ve kind
of let yourself down maybe a little bit
on like you get angry with tweets you
get angry with once the review is like
okay I know this has happened before I’m
immensely preparing myself for the next
time is that how you pick the ones to do
um yeah I think once we understand our
masks then we understand our triggers we
understand what triggers us so some
things may not trigger me the way other
things will and I know from my past
experience that you know I always felt
like people were bullying me picking on
me making fun of me and you know I was
sexually abused so I feel this sense of
like people are trying to attack me and
and that’s my awareness it was like okay
I’m aware that this is my tendency so I
just need to be aware that it’s not
about me it’s about them when someone’s
attacking someone else it’s never about
that person it’s always about the person
attacking what they’re in pain with what
they’re afraid of what they’re not doing
things like that so it’s a it’s a deeper
level of awareness that is hard
sometimes when you’re so conditioned to
be a different way to defend yourself
and it’s just like a constant reminder
like it’s a constant reminder and
awareness that’s these are these
triggers yeah that’s interesting so we
have like a daily gratitude practice and
I’m wondering and maybe adjusting it to
also include like where did I maybe let
myself down and how can i yes I think at
the end of the night you know I do daily
gratitude as well as you know and at the
end of the night which I talk about
three things I’m most grateful for was
my girlfriend and we go back and forth
and then personally I say where did I
let myself down today you know on a
scale of 1 to 10 did I live up to the
standards that I wanted to from these
experiences or did I stoop down to a
level that I know wasn’t effective and
is beneath me and whatever so scale one
to 10 how did that show up today and
okay I was a six today I was a three
today okay what can I do tomorrow to be
an 8 9 or 10 and again just being
mindful every morning every night like
just being mindful of how we show up
it’s easier said than done
when you feel like everything’s against
you and nothing’s going right in your
life and you’re going through a breakup
and you’re struggling with something
it’s like a lot easier said than done
but um
it’s helpful I like it well I’m gonna
test it tonight you’ll try the Lewis huh
don’t you think whatever goes we got a
question from the live chat lily is
writing Louis what can educators and
parents do to make young boys or men
feel safe so they don’t develop masks
from a young age it’s a great question
because a lot of moms are telling me
that they’re reading this to understand
their sons of why they might be
disconnected why they don’t look them in
the eyes why they’re not sharing things
and I think constantly encouraging a
safe space to talk with your son to
allow him to open up maybe he doesn’t
feel safe to open up in front of the
whole family at the dinner table and
maybe he’ll only feel safe to open up
with you when it’s in private so really
creating that safe space and letting him
know that it’s okay to cry if he wants
to cry around you or it’s okay to to
talk about these things and I think for
moms and parents to get their sons to
fully open up and it doesn’t matter if
you’re a mom to a son or husband to our
wife I think to get anyone to open up we
get to lead with things that are
vulnerable from our experiences as well
this was a mom saying you know when I
was a kid I was really insecure about
you know what to do when guys were
attracted to me or what to do when I was
hitting puberty and I had these weird
insecurities and challenges and didn’t
have anyone to talk to and I just want
to let you know that I’m here to listen
and have zero judgment and support you
however I can as your mom and if you
don’t feel comfortable with me then you
should talk to your dad or someone but
to encourage that and if they are
resistant continue to lead with
vulnerability and encouragement and
create a context and container for a
safe space for them because it may not
happen in the first couple times it may
take six months and then one day they
finally say oh you know what I can trust
my mom and I’m going to open up and when
they need to they’ll come to you how do
you how do you see this fit into your
bigger mission for what you’re trying to
do I know when you’ve had guests on it’s
been a talking
for some people who’ve also had abuse
growing up a number of people have come
out and said that they were sexually
abused and you know elites a great
conversation is it that you you know if
it makes sense to bring it up in the
conversations with the host that you
bring it on do you want to get involved
in with charities or create your own or
like how do you see your actions around
this cause building over the next few
years you know I just want to bring
awareness to it because one in six men
have been sexually abused one in four
women that’s been recorded so a lot of
people you know a lot of people and
there’s probably more and I feel like
it’s just not talked about enough for
those that have dealt with it and
there’s a lot of shame and guilt and
insecurity that leads to toxicity and
other ways addictions poor communication
in relationships things like that so I
just want to be one voice of many voices
that are talking about it and be an
example as a white male athlete guy
talking about it because there’s not
many in my stereotype and
characteristics who are opening up and I
want to help the other men who could
potentially relate to me to say you know
what it’s okay for me to talk about this
with a therapist or it’s okay to talk
about this with my best friend or my
family I’m not saying they need to open
up and talk about to everyone but I know
that there’s a lot of pain in the world
and my mission is to help people live
their best life live their dreams have
good relationships be healthy and
fulfilled and if we’re suffering because
of this one issue or any issue then we
just get to address it and be aware of
it and try to improve so for people
watching if they’re one of the six or
one of the four and they’re listening to
this and maybe they pick up the book and
they read it and they get some like they
build up the courage to say something
what’s there what do you recommend is
our first best step to have a
conversation what should they do find if
you’re not comfortable talking to a
friend or family member
find a therapist or a specialist who has
confidentiality so
that whatever you say or a priest or a
someone in the church or wherever you
believe in go to someone where you know
there’s confidentiality so you can talk
about it the second thing is when I was
finally going to tell my family members
one by one I had asked a lot of
different people like these therapists
and coaches that I was talking to I was
like I don’t know how to do this I’m
terrified they’re not gonna accept me
I’m terrified they’re they’re gonna
judge me whatever I was just terrified
and one person one of the therapists I
talked to said ask them this question
before you tell them and the question
was is there anything I could ever say
or do that could make you not love me
anything you could ever say or do that
could make you not love me and then
based on their reaction and response you
can either say it afterwards or not and
all of my family members said absolutely
not there’s nothing that you could ever
say or do that would make me not love
you so to hear them say that I think
that was my biggest fear like maybe they
won’t love me or accept me if they knew
this about me if they knew how what
these things happen to me and once they
said no there’s nothing you could ever
say or do that make us not love you I
said okay I feel safe to talk about it
and it was still scary but the thing is
it brought us so much closer together
because when I opened up then they
opened up about other stuff that
happened to them not sexual abuse but
just other things that they were going
through emotionally or physically at the
time and I feel like it brought us
closer you know when one person opens up
in a mall or a bit vulnerable way
usually it tends to create an opening
for the other person based on the
context and container it doesn’t always
happen sometimes people feel really
uncomfortable but that’s why I think
it’s like setting it up first with that
question is a powerful thing
I mean I can relate to that I didn’t
have any abuse growing up but when I got
when I was gonna get divorced with my
first wife I wouldn’t told my parents
and was scared about that and and they
opened up and told me about the problems
they had in their relationship which I
never saw
it was always like perfect mom and I
didn’t realize they had problems right
so ya can relate to that I mean what
would you tell the person though who who
their parents may not be supportive and
they know like they might get kicked out
of the house or they might be disowned
and like you’re out of the family then
what do it yeah I think it’s really
challenging I mean it’s this is like a
lot of my gay friends talk to me about
this they’re like you know I had you
know I knew that I needed to tell
someone that I was gay or homosexual and
but I was terrified because I knew how
strict my parents are about this topic
or the church or the religion or
whatever and so do I you know just wear
a mask my whole life and not let them
know or do I live my truth and hope they
still accept me but maybe they’ll kick
me out of the house and like move my
family I think that’s just like I don’t
know if there’s a good answer I don’t
know if I have the right answer for that
because I think every situation is
unique and you know it’s really
challenging because we we don’t want to
be separated from our family we don’t
want our family to hate us or to not
accept us so it’s terrifying so I think
it’s really asking those questions and
setting it up and at least talking about
it with a therapist or someone in a safe
context where you can release it and
have healthy conversations around it and
maybe there will be a time in a place
where you feel the courage to tell your
parents or family members and you you
can’t live in my parent lives like
worried about what everyone thinks about
us even our family and unfortunately
sometimes family is the ones that hold
us back the most luckily my family has
never been that way but sometimes that’s
the case I hear from other people and
that’s a really scary thing well I asked
you because we’ve got Christmas coming
up everybody’s going home
big families getting together and a lot
of people feel like they have to put
their masks on they’re gonna go home and
see mom and dad and brother and sister
and they have to act a certain way for
someone like that who may be living in a
different state and once you they get
together for family and they feel they
have to be
a fake person just once a year when they
come over Christmas like weighing the
cost benefit of do I do it’s just once a
year I think if you’re like there once a
year then do it you know I think listen
if it’s holding you back in any way if
you’re wearing this weight on your
shoulders or on your chest by not
talking about something whether your
parents or whoever I think it’s
important to talk about it then
period because otherwise you’re living
with tightness in your life and as you
know in order to achieve our dreams or
to get to where we want to be the only
way to be a high performer in life is to
be in flow you know and salsa if you’re
tight the whole time and you’re gonna
look and feel weird and your partner’s
gonna be disconnected to you it’s when
you’ve totally lost the awareness of
anyone of how you look or how what’s
happening where you’re fully in flow
present and connected and that’s
something to think about
you know there’s a price to everything
we do and there’s also the prices we pay
and there’s big rewards to everything we
do so it’s just being mindful of the
life we want to live and making those
decisions just a quick question – about
about women so obviously the book is
focused on guys your experience
everything growing up but you know women
wear masks – how much of the advice in
the book are is relevant beyond just
like hey this is good for my son or my
dad and my brother for like how much can
they use for themselves for women
watching well it’s funny as I was
writing this you know for men I was
realizing like wow like this is the keys
of the kingdom for women to like
understand the men in their life on why
they might be guarded in this situation
or why they might always tell a joke in
this situation or why they’re so driven
to make money in this situation it’s
gonna give you the the awareness of your
father your husband your brother your
sons why they react certain ways but
then as I’ve been getting emails from
women reading it they’re like wow I wear
a lot of these masks as well and it’s
helping me to understand you know how to
just be more of myself as well you know
I think women might wear different masks
at different times and but I think we
can all relate to – wearing masks and
trying to like be somewhere
not or not or trying to say things to
fit in and so a lot of women are finding
value as well do we need like an a a for
masks is this like a group talk thing
that can be worked out or is this a one
on one thing I think it’d be group for
sure yeah I think one it doesn’t matter
it can be one I want it can be group I
just think when we talk about you know
as I’ve been going on this book tour
I’ve been meeting a lot of men and women
and it’s usually about 50/50 men and
women who are coming and I’ll ask a
question I say you know for all the
ladies in your room
raise your hand and for all the women
watching right now I say raise your hand
and type yes if this is you if you’re a
woman raise your hand if you meet with
your girlfriends once a week or at least
one other girl once a week for lunch or
coffee or over the phone and you talk
about your fears your insecurities your
relationship challenges your body image
challenges your career challenges your
issues and 99% of the women say yes we
do this every day right they’re like yes
every day we do this you know we’re
getting together we’re talking in groups
we’re sharing we’re expressing ourselves
let’s say okay yeah now to the men in
the room and again if you’re a woman
watching type yes if you meet with a
girlfriend or girlfriends once a week or
over the phone and talk about these
things and then I say okay for all the
men in the room raise your hands if once
a month you get together with one guy or
a group of guys and you talk about your
insecurities and your fears and your
relationship challenges and your career
challenges and your body image
challenges two hands will show up right
and I’m like are you guys in a men’s
group or like a men’s church group where
you meet once a month and they’re like
yes so it’s like a scheduled event for
men to go to once a month to be able to
like listen to someone talk about this
and like have conversation and dialogue
and that’s like the safe space to do it
in general guys are typically not doing
that with other men you know when I grew
up in in high school and I wanted to
express myself or you know put my arm
around a buddy of mine you know just on
the side not even hug just like put my
arm around it was like get off
that’s not cool you know it’s like what
are you a what are you a little girl
what are you this were you that what are
you weak it’s like don’t don’t tell me
how you’re feeling you know it’s just
like the conditioning over time maybe we
only will hurt it once from one guy
maybe we heard it multiple times maybe
we saw it on TV
maybe we saw it in politics maybe we saw
these behaviors in other ways we said oh
I can’t do that otherwise there’s
consequences so I think there’s just
this conditioning that it’s not okay for
men to do that and I think it causes a
lot of pain and heartache inside mmm is
it better so if you’re doing a group
would it be is it better if a group full
of men are sharing or is it better to
have a mikes I think it’s it’s good for
a group because then you feel safer
there’s there’s you’re not just isolated
with one other person talking you you
can you can learn from other people you
can hear other people’s vulnerabilities
or sharing and then it gives you more
permission because it’s a bigger group
would you do like summit of greatness
before coming on and like breakout rooms
or groups of ten people to share their
masks like is that we’ll see I haven’t
thought of it that far but yeah okay
cool I think a a for mass it’s
interesting yeah well like all I’m
seeing is yes blowing up in the chat
haven’t the people answering your
question Louis thank you for your time
and super appreciate it
for people want to pick up the book
where we going Amazon Barnes & Noble if
you’re worried yeah Lewis house comm
slash mask we’ll take you right to
Amazon or Barnes & Noble or wherever so
got it is there a final message you want
to leave people with that kind of sums
it all up for you I believe our health
is the most important thing and
emotional health has massive effects on
the physical body and the brain the
hearts the muscles everything I’ve
talked to a lot of different doctors who
say it doesn’t matter how perfect your
eating regimen is your sleeping patterns
your workout schedule if you’re not able
to deal with the emotional side of
things you’ll still have physical
problems you’ll still manifest disease
or
or illness in the body and so the
emotional side of things is something
that we really get to address and think
about and figure out a way that we can
support our emotions our heart every
single day so we can sleep at night
peacefully very cool very well said
well Louis thank you so much for joining
in guys go pick up his book go check out
Lewis house calm Lewis house calm slash
mask just just masks super easy
yeah thank you guys for joining in
continue to believe and we’ll see you
soon thanks
YouTube Hangout at super excited to be
back here with my friend who’s already
clapping it up mr. lewis howes if you
guys don’t know Louis he’s got one of my
favorite YouTube channels called school
to greatness has an amazing podcast I
don’t listen to the podcast I’m a
youtube consumer but I watch all his
stuff and he’s got two books out one
super recent one that we’re gonna be
talking about today called the mask of
masculinity Louis welcome back man
thanks man I’ll put it here just for
this short quick promo good to be back
man I appreciate it and congratulations
on a million subscribers that’s a huge
accomplishment so I’m excited to get
there maybe in ten years I’ll reach your
level oh you’re you’re growing fast man
I love you got the consistent content
going up to you guys let’s get Lewis in
love go subscribe to his channel a lot
of great content tell us about the book
that like what for people who I know
you’ve been I mean you’ve been talking
about it forever on your channel you’ve
been writing the book you’ve been asking
interview questions from people coming
on now it’s out like what’s the premise
so for people who aren’t super familiar
with your content a book is no joke man
it’s a lot of work I know you’re you’re
working on one of you have one but so
it’s been a journey and the premise is
essentially there’s a lot of pain and
suffering in the world when we look at
the world today in the last six months
alone we see a number of things that are
happening in the media from racial
marches when Charlottesville from
bombings all these different venues all
over the world to now killings and
churches which is crazy shootings in
Vegas to a ton of sexual abuse and
sexual harassment that’s been coming out
from a lot of these men to domestic
violence to a lot of suicides addictions
all these challenges in the common
denominator with everything we’re
hearing about in the media right now is
it it’s men men who are involved in
these harmful acts and I wanted to dive
deeper into understanding why why are
men so conditioned to not respond from
love or why are men not conditioned to
be vulnerable or open up or
to share their feelings in certain ways
and why I’ve made me conditioned to not
share their feelings or to not
communicate how they feel and what are
the negative effects that happen when
human beings in general don’t express
how they feel in healthy forms it starts
to manifest into cancer disease
addiction lashing out in other harmful
ways and at the end of the day we’re all
trying to fit in we’re all trying to
belong we’re all trying to be accepted
to be loved and when we don’t feel that
we put on masks to try to fit in
we put on a persona to try to get other
people to like us or to accept us in the
group and those masks serve us on a
surface level by getting us results
getting us Awards getting us
accomplishments getting us the
girlfriend the guy friends getting us to
whatever but underneath it when we are
constantly being someone who were not
we’re constantly putting on something
that’s false
we’re always resenting ourselves
underneath that and it’s never enough
and so I just wanted to kind of unpack
it with research with psychologists and
really understand why and then how can
we address it once we are aware of the
different things that we do as men and
what are some tools that can help us
move forward that’s what it is so the
first thing that comes to mind is how do
we even I think a lot of times we do it
subconsciously you don’t even notice
you’re doing it and you don’t want to
admit it
so how before you can fix a problem how
do you even identify that you’re doing
this very very challenging because I
just thought like well this is just who
I am so don’t try to like give me
feedback on anything and don’t try to do
this I think it’s you’ve got to be
willing to be aware you’ve got to be
willing to look within and usually that
happens when something drastic happens
in your life when you go through a
divorce a breakup you get injured you
have a near-death experience someone in
your life has a near-death experience or
passes away you know you’re addicted to
things and you go to rehab you
there’s something you get fired from
your job these moments where we start to
say okay something is not working I’m in
a breakdown what do I need to reevaluate
what’s what’s not working how can I look
within and change you know maybe you get
really sick you’re become overweight and
you get sick and if you’re the hospital
you say okay something’s off with my
health let me check with within myself
why am i addicted to eating why did I
not take care of myself why did I not
not do these things so unfortunately
usually a lot of the time it’s hard to
see unless something drastic happens and
that’s a challenge because for many
years I was getting big results in
sports big results in business and so
when people would give me feedback I was
like don’t give me feedback I’m getting
bigger results in you so what can you
teach me you know I was leading with
this mask in this ego nose like you know
don’t try to change me what I’m doing is
working so why would I ever change when
I’m making the money and getting these
results and getting these
accomplishments so why change so it’s
very challenging I think to look within
and just ask yourself these questions
when things seem to be going right on
the outside but for me I was always
suffering in my inner world I think we
live in two worlds the outer world and
the inner world in my inner world was
suffering where everyone else in the
outer world was like man you’re killing
it Louis like you’re doing so many great
things like how are you doing this but
they didn’t feel and understand my inner
world and and I didn’t really understand
it either why I was constantly suffering
so it wasn’t until I fully was able to
unpack a lot of this stuff that I was
holding on to the frustrations from you
know the sexual abuse that I went
through and holding on to that from
frustrations with my parents when I was
a kid frustrations with like bullying
that I went through all the things that
I went through and that is normal for a
lot of kids you know a lot of things I
went through a lot of other kids have
been through as well so it’s not like I
had some tragic different experiences
that were so much more tragic than
people but they affected me in a way
where I didn’t know how to express them
I didn’t know how to move through it I
didn’t know how to communicate and there
weren’t really tools available for me I
a kid to be like oh when you’re feeling
this way here’s what you do when someone
sexually abused you here’s the number of
call or here’s the group of people to
talk to you know you don’t know what to
do at 5 7 10 13 you’re just trying to
fit in you know you’re just trying to
like have a few friends like you and not
get rejected by the girl that you like
and whatever and make the sports team
and so that conditioning over years and
years and then as men in society in
general I don’t want to miss a all men
but in general my experience it’s not
acceptable to express how you feel
especially in sports growing up in
America if I was ever sensitive or
showed a vulnerability or pain in any
way you know a coach a teammate would be
like don’t be a little girl don’t be
this don’t be that don’t be a wuss
toughen up let’s go be a man don’t show
weakness and so when you are rewarded
for playing through the pain and
greatjob way to be tough and not like
show emotion and when you are not
rewarded for opening up and being
vulnerable and expressing yourself then
you start to put on those masks and say
okay well again I want to fit in I want
to be accepted so I want people to like
me and I want to do the things that are
getting me the rewards so what led to
that shift for you like why now you what
what change like you had the success
experiences growing up and for those of
you guys who don’t know lewis was on the
fast track to be a professional athlete
and then had a major injury and
depression and sleep on sister’s couch
and you know like why now is the time
what happened that made you go deep to
figure this out yeah four years ago I I
gotten I was starting to get into like
just a lot more arguments with people
with my my girlfriend and then I at the
time we’re going through like a lot of
ups and downs and I wasn’t necessarily
arguing with her because I didn’t have
the emotional courage to really express
how I truly felt with her so I just kind
of let her take advantage of me or just
like say what she wanted I was just like
okay I’ll do whatever you need but I
would take that aggression out into the
real world so I’d go play sports
and then I’d get aggressive with like
guys in the sports on a basketball court
because that’s what I knew you know it’s
like okay take all my energy and
aggression out on the sports playing
field because that’s a safe space for
guys to be guys and to be rough and to
be whatever and to express ourselves and
I started to get more and more reactive
to people when they would say things to
me or talk trash or like elbow me a
weird way I would it was like I was so
quick to defend myself cuz I felt like
everyone was out to get me everyone was
attacking me my girlfriend
these people here people in business I
just felt like everyone was trying to
attack me and I was like why why are
people costly attacking me you know I’m
just trying to be a good person and like
make people happy and it was happening
with my business partner as well I was
reactive to him whenever I felt attacked
by him I was reactive and I got in a
really bad fight in a basketball court
one guy hit me he head-butted me and so
I said okay that gives me the
justification to hit him back and to
kind of go all out and I got in a fight
with this guy who hit me
and justified it by saying I was
defending myself which I probably could
have just walked away but I think it’s
hard when you get hit in the face to
just walk away and that’s how I
justified it and after that fight I was
just like why am I getting in this fight
like why do I allow myself to even react
in any way when someone says something
to me like why do I give that person
power over me to say oh I’m so hurt by
your words that I’m going to put my
attention on you and react in a way of
fighting you and that’s when everything
started there like wake up for me I was
like okay things are not working this
experience of being in this fight this
constant like up and down with my
girlfriend relationship this business
partnership was like a lot of tension I
was just like okay the fight was kind of
like the break the break down that I
needed to be like what’s going on how
can I solve whatever is happening and so
I started to reach out to friends who
said you know you should talk to this
therapist friend of mine check out this
coach you should check out this workshop
and I just did it all I was like okay
I’ll talk to whoever and I did therapy
sessions I did coaching sessions I went
to different workshops and in one of the
workshops I went to it really created a
space in an experience experience for me
to to address all the things that I was
holding on to from my past that had hurt
me and to talk about them in a safe
space for the first time and it allowed
me to open up and express all the things
I was frustrated by or hurt by err
holding on to from people that had done
things to me or whatever in the past and
it allowed me to open up for the first
time about being sexually abused after
25 years of no one knowing because I was
so ashamed of it and all that made me
realize wow once I start talking about
things saying these things and
expressing these things I felt a sense
of freedom of a sense of peace that I’d
never felt in my life and the more I
started talking about the sexual abuse
I’ve been through other men came to me
and said thank you for sharing and
opening up I’ve been married for 20
years my wife doesn’t know that this
happened to me it was a kid you know
I’ve never been able to tell anyone like
men just started emailing me and saying
you’re my hero thank you for opening up
and giving me permission to start
talking about it with my friends and
family I was like wow really like the
thing I’m most afraid of people knowing
about me gave them actually the most
freedom in their life when they when we
had that conversation and it gave me a
sense of peace and it gave me a sense of
like forgiveness and letting go that I’d
never had before I was just like if all
men and all human beings but I think men
in general who traditionally aren’t as
open to express themselves were able to
let go of the things that make them hurt
sad frustrated and angry or whatever
maybe we can communicate them in
healthier forms then I don’t think all
this stuff would be happening that we’re
seeing in the media and I feel like
humanity would be elevated on on a
higher level that’s an awesome story man
thank you for sharing it and putting it
out in the words I wonder I like how
much of that is still an ongoing
Jurnee like have you solved it like if
that guy bless you if he punched you in
the face how would you react now it’s a
great question I think anytime I feel
like if someone’s gonna physically harm
me I would try to just more not put
myself in that situation this time so if
someone was yapping at me or something I
would just be like okay I’m walking away
but if someone actually hit me I don’t
know if I’m like that you know risen to
the mountaintops to be like I’m gonna
turn the other cheek and just like
pummel me to death I will defend myself
someone hits me but I think I’m a much
more wiser to defuse situations and to
use my emotional intelligence to be like
hey let’s come to a resolution of peace
here and not me jump back at you and you
come to me and then us escalated meat
you know it’s like so I think I’ve
learned to have tools of not reacting
when things like that happen and listen
I’m still not perfect I still react to
people when I feel attacked you know
there’s someone who’s been attacking me
lately over email that I’m like I feel
like there’s no reason with this person
and I’ve just said okay I’m at peace
with not having a resolution and you
know you having this opinion about me
and okay have a good time I wish you
best so I think it’s challenging because
it’s an ongoing journey and even though
I’m aware of it I still make mistakes I
still have challenges I still have
things I’m working through but I’m able
to breathe into it to meditate to think
about it later reflect on it and say
okay how can I do things better the next
time if this comes up again how can I
come from a different place and not
react to people but come from a place of
peace or love or just letting it go
right so I noticed a number of different
strategies in the book and how to deal
with it
what do you think has been either the
most effective for you or just the most
widely resonate with the audience as
here’s a good strategy for the next guy
who’s yapping at you and the basketball
field they’re like corn or like giving
you those emails well here’s the thing I
think the best route
before anything happens to practice in
the beginning of the day running through
different events that could happen that
day huh so I am and I’m sure you’ve seen
a lot of people that you’ve done your
videos with on YouTube about the power
of visualization and mindset I’m sure
there’s a lot of the videos you have are
about that are people talking about that
I am all for the power of visualizing
what you want and manifesting what she
wants but I also learn this from sports
to visualize when everything goes wrong
how do you respond huh a lot of people
don’t do this but I learned this in
football well what if this happens and
it’s muddy and things slip and I drop
the ball and I’m slipping and what if
someone tackles me and I’m injured and
this how do I am I gonna respond when
everything hits the fan and so in the
mornings I prepare myself I’ll meditate
and visualize and create and go through
my process of what I want to create that
day but then I also say okay life isn’t
always perfect and it doesn’t always
come the exact way I visualize it I wish
it did but sometimes there’s detours so
I’ll say okay I’m going to a meeting
today and I have to get in my car where
to get in an uber and LA traffic is
always an interesting time interesting
experience so if someone cuts me off
if someone nudges me if someone flips me
off if someone does this am I gonna be
reactive am I gonna go up next to them
in my car and flip them off back or am I
gonna breathe smile and turn my music up
and focus on my vision so I go through
these experience what if someone tweets
me a nasty tweet today or attacks me or
leave me a one-star review and doesn’t
leave their name because they’re a
coward how do I want to feel how do I
want to respond do I defend myself for
three hours trying to talk about all the
things that they’re wrong about and make
myself right
or do I say thank you for the feedback
and have a great day do you pick like
the things that have that that have
happened that you’ve known you’ve kind
of let yourself down maybe a little bit
on like you get angry with tweets you
get angry with once the review is like
okay I know this has happened before I’m
immensely preparing myself for the next
time is that how you pick the ones to do
um yeah I think once we understand our
masks then we understand our triggers we
understand what triggers us so some
things may not trigger me the way other
things will and I know from my past
experience that you know I always felt
like people were bullying me picking on
me making fun of me and you know I was
sexually abused so I feel this sense of
like people are trying to attack me and
and that’s my awareness it was like okay
I’m aware that this is my tendency so I
just need to be aware that it’s not
about me it’s about them when someone’s
attacking someone else it’s never about
that person it’s always about the person
attacking what they’re in pain with what
they’re afraid of what they’re not doing
things like that so it’s a it’s a deeper
level of awareness that is hard
sometimes when you’re so conditioned to
be a different way to defend yourself
and it’s just like a constant reminder
like it’s a constant reminder and
awareness that’s these are these
triggers yeah that’s interesting so we
have like a daily gratitude practice and
I’m wondering and maybe adjusting it to
also include like where did I maybe let
myself down and how can i yes I think at
the end of the night you know I do daily
gratitude as well as you know and at the
end of the night which I talk about
three things I’m most grateful for was
my girlfriend and we go back and forth
and then personally I say where did I
let myself down today you know on a
scale of 1 to 10 did I live up to the
standards that I wanted to from these
experiences or did I stoop down to a
level that I know wasn’t effective and
is beneath me and whatever so scale one
to 10 how did that show up today and
okay I was a six today I was a three
today okay what can I do tomorrow to be
an 8 9 or 10 and again just being
mindful every morning every night like
just being mindful of how we show up
it’s easier said than done
when you feel like everything’s against
you and nothing’s going right in your
life and you’re going through a breakup
and you’re struggling with something
it’s like a lot easier said than done
but um
it’s helpful I like it well I’m gonna
test it tonight you’ll try the Lewis huh
don’t you think whatever goes we got a
question from the live chat lily is
writing Louis what can educators and
parents do to make young boys or men
feel safe so they don’t develop masks
from a young age it’s a great question
because a lot of moms are telling me
that they’re reading this to understand
their sons of why they might be
disconnected why they don’t look them in
the eyes why they’re not sharing things
and I think constantly encouraging a
safe space to talk with your son to
allow him to open up maybe he doesn’t
feel safe to open up in front of the
whole family at the dinner table and
maybe he’ll only feel safe to open up
with you when it’s in private so really
creating that safe space and letting him
know that it’s okay to cry if he wants
to cry around you or it’s okay to to
talk about these things and I think for
moms and parents to get their sons to
fully open up and it doesn’t matter if
you’re a mom to a son or husband to our
wife I think to get anyone to open up we
get to lead with things that are
vulnerable from our experiences as well
this was a mom saying you know when I
was a kid I was really insecure about
you know what to do when guys were
attracted to me or what to do when I was
hitting puberty and I had these weird
insecurities and challenges and didn’t
have anyone to talk to and I just want
to let you know that I’m here to listen
and have zero judgment and support you
however I can as your mom and if you
don’t feel comfortable with me then you
should talk to your dad or someone but
to encourage that and if they are
resistant continue to lead with
vulnerability and encouragement and
create a context and container for a
safe space for them because it may not
happen in the first couple times it may
take six months and then one day they
finally say oh you know what I can trust
my mom and I’m going to open up and when
they need to they’ll come to you how do
you how do you see this fit into your
bigger mission for what you’re trying to
do I know when you’ve had guests on it’s
been a talking
for some people who’ve also had abuse
growing up a number of people have come
out and said that they were sexually
abused and you know elites a great
conversation is it that you you know if
it makes sense to bring it up in the
conversations with the host that you
bring it on do you want to get involved
in with charities or create your own or
like how do you see your actions around
this cause building over the next few
years you know I just want to bring
awareness to it because one in six men
have been sexually abused one in four
women that’s been recorded so a lot of
people you know a lot of people and
there’s probably more and I feel like
it’s just not talked about enough for
those that have dealt with it and
there’s a lot of shame and guilt and
insecurity that leads to toxicity and
other ways addictions poor communication
in relationships things like that so I
just want to be one voice of many voices
that are talking about it and be an
example as a white male athlete guy
talking about it because there’s not
many in my stereotype and
characteristics who are opening up and I
want to help the other men who could
potentially relate to me to say you know
what it’s okay for me to talk about this
with a therapist or it’s okay to talk
about this with my best friend or my
family I’m not saying they need to open
up and talk about to everyone but I know
that there’s a lot of pain in the world
and my mission is to help people live
their best life live their dreams have
good relationships be healthy and
fulfilled and if we’re suffering because
of this one issue or any issue then we
just get to address it and be aware of
it and try to improve so for people
watching if they’re one of the six or
one of the four and they’re listening to
this and maybe they pick up the book and
they read it and they get some like they
build up the courage to say something
what’s there what do you recommend is
our first best step to have a
conversation what should they do find if
you’re not comfortable talking to a
friend or family member
find a therapist or a specialist who has
confidentiality so
that whatever you say or a priest or a
someone in the church or wherever you
believe in go to someone where you know
there’s confidentiality so you can talk
about it the second thing is when I was
finally going to tell my family members
one by one I had asked a lot of
different people like these therapists
and coaches that I was talking to I was
like I don’t know how to do this I’m
terrified they’re not gonna accept me
I’m terrified they’re they’re gonna
judge me whatever I was just terrified
and one person one of the therapists I
talked to said ask them this question
before you tell them and the question
was is there anything I could ever say
or do that could make you not love me
anything you could ever say or do that
could make you not love me and then
based on their reaction and response you
can either say it afterwards or not and
all of my family members said absolutely
not there’s nothing that you could ever
say or do that would make me not love
you so to hear them say that I think
that was my biggest fear like maybe they
won’t love me or accept me if they knew
this about me if they knew how what
these things happen to me and once they
said no there’s nothing you could ever
say or do that make us not love you I
said okay I feel safe to talk about it
and it was still scary but the thing is
it brought us so much closer together
because when I opened up then they
opened up about other stuff that
happened to them not sexual abuse but
just other things that they were going
through emotionally or physically at the
time and I feel like it brought us
closer you know when one person opens up
in a mall or a bit vulnerable way
usually it tends to create an opening
for the other person based on the
context and container it doesn’t always
happen sometimes people feel really
uncomfortable but that’s why I think
it’s like setting it up first with that
question is a powerful thing
I mean I can relate to that I didn’t
have any abuse growing up but when I got
when I was gonna get divorced with my
first wife I wouldn’t told my parents
and was scared about that and and they
opened up and told me about the problems
they had in their relationship which I
never saw
it was always like perfect mom and I
didn’t realize they had problems right
so ya can relate to that I mean what
would you tell the person though who who
their parents may not be supportive and
they know like they might get kicked out
of the house or they might be disowned
and like you’re out of the family then
what do it yeah I think it’s really
challenging I mean it’s this is like a
lot of my gay friends talk to me about
this they’re like you know I had you
know I knew that I needed to tell
someone that I was gay or homosexual and
but I was terrified because I knew how
strict my parents are about this topic
or the church or the religion or
whatever and so do I you know just wear
a mask my whole life and not let them
know or do I live my truth and hope they
still accept me but maybe they’ll kick
me out of the house and like move my
family I think that’s just like I don’t
know if there’s a good answer I don’t
know if I have the right answer for that
because I think every situation is
unique and you know it’s really
challenging because we we don’t want to
be separated from our family we don’t
want our family to hate us or to not
accept us so it’s terrifying so I think
it’s really asking those questions and
setting it up and at least talking about
it with a therapist or someone in a safe
context where you can release it and
have healthy conversations around it and
maybe there will be a time in a place
where you feel the courage to tell your
parents or family members and you you
can’t live in my parent lives like
worried about what everyone thinks about
us even our family and unfortunately
sometimes family is the ones that hold
us back the most luckily my family has
never been that way but sometimes that’s
the case I hear from other people and
that’s a really scary thing well I asked
you because we’ve got Christmas coming
up everybody’s going home
big families getting together and a lot
of people feel like they have to put
their masks on they’re gonna go home and
see mom and dad and brother and sister
and they have to act a certain way for
someone like that who may be living in a
different state and once you they get
together for family and they feel they
have to be
a fake person just once a year when they
come over Christmas like weighing the
cost benefit of do I do it’s just once a
year I think if you’re like there once a
year then do it you know I think listen
if it’s holding you back in any way if
you’re wearing this weight on your
shoulders or on your chest by not
talking about something whether your
parents or whoever I think it’s
important to talk about it then
period because otherwise you’re living
with tightness in your life and as you
know in order to achieve our dreams or
to get to where we want to be the only
way to be a high performer in life is to
be in flow you know and salsa if you’re
tight the whole time and you’re gonna
look and feel weird and your partner’s
gonna be disconnected to you it’s when
you’ve totally lost the awareness of
anyone of how you look or how what’s
happening where you’re fully in flow
present and connected and that’s
something to think about
you know there’s a price to everything
we do and there’s also the prices we pay
and there’s big rewards to everything we
do so it’s just being mindful of the
life we want to live and making those
decisions just a quick question – about
about women so obviously the book is
focused on guys your experience
everything growing up but you know women
wear masks – how much of the advice in
the book are is relevant beyond just
like hey this is good for my son or my
dad and my brother for like how much can
they use for themselves for women
watching well it’s funny as I was
writing this you know for men I was
realizing like wow like this is the keys
of the kingdom for women to like
understand the men in their life on why
they might be guarded in this situation
or why they might always tell a joke in
this situation or why they’re so driven
to make money in this situation it’s
gonna give you the the awareness of your
father your husband your brother your
sons why they react certain ways but
then as I’ve been getting emails from
women reading it they’re like wow I wear
a lot of these masks as well and it’s
helping me to understand you know how to
just be more of myself as well you know
I think women might wear different masks
at different times and but I think we
can all relate to – wearing masks and
trying to like be somewhere
not or not or trying to say things to
fit in and so a lot of women are finding
value as well do we need like an a a for
masks is this like a group talk thing
that can be worked out or is this a one
on one thing I think it’d be group for
sure yeah I think one it doesn’t matter
it can be one I want it can be group I
just think when we talk about you know
as I’ve been going on this book tour
I’ve been meeting a lot of men and women
and it’s usually about 50/50 men and
women who are coming and I’ll ask a
question I say you know for all the
ladies in your room
raise your hand and for all the women
watching right now I say raise your hand
and type yes if this is you if you’re a
woman raise your hand if you meet with
your girlfriends once a week or at least
one other girl once a week for lunch or
coffee or over the phone and you talk
about your fears your insecurities your
relationship challenges your body image
challenges your career challenges your
issues and 99% of the women say yes we
do this every day right they’re like yes
every day we do this you know we’re
getting together we’re talking in groups
we’re sharing we’re expressing ourselves
let’s say okay yeah now to the men in
the room and again if you’re a woman
watching type yes if you meet with a
girlfriend or girlfriends once a week or
over the phone and talk about these
things and then I say okay for all the
men in the room raise your hands if once
a month you get together with one guy or
a group of guys and you talk about your
insecurities and your fears and your
relationship challenges and your career
challenges and your body image
challenges two hands will show up right
and I’m like are you guys in a men’s
group or like a men’s church group where
you meet once a month and they’re like
yes so it’s like a scheduled event for
men to go to once a month to be able to
like listen to someone talk about this
and like have conversation and dialogue
and that’s like the safe space to do it
in general guys are typically not doing
that with other men you know when I grew
up in in high school and I wanted to
express myself or you know put my arm
around a buddy of mine you know just on
the side not even hug just like put my
arm around it was like get off
that’s not cool you know it’s like what
are you a what are you a little girl
what are you this were you that what are
you weak it’s like don’t don’t tell me
how you’re feeling you know it’s just
like the conditioning over time maybe we
only will hurt it once from one guy
maybe we heard it multiple times maybe
we saw it on TV
maybe we saw it in politics maybe we saw
these behaviors in other ways we said oh
I can’t do that otherwise there’s
consequences so I think there’s just
this conditioning that it’s not okay for
men to do that and I think it causes a
lot of pain and heartache inside mmm is
it better so if you’re doing a group
would it be is it better if a group full
of men are sharing or is it better to
have a mikes I think it’s it’s good for
a group because then you feel safer
there’s there’s you’re not just isolated
with one other person talking you you
can you can learn from other people you
can hear other people’s vulnerabilities
or sharing and then it gives you more
permission because it’s a bigger group
would you do like summit of greatness
before coming on and like breakout rooms
or groups of ten people to share their
masks like is that we’ll see I haven’t
thought of it that far but yeah okay
cool I think a a for mass it’s
interesting yeah well like all I’m
seeing is yes blowing up in the chat
haven’t the people answering your
question Louis thank you for your time
and super appreciate it
for people want to pick up the book
where we going Amazon Barnes & Noble if
you’re worried yeah Lewis house comm
slash mask we’ll take you right to
Amazon or Barnes & Noble or wherever so
got it is there a final message you want
to leave people with that kind of sums
it all up for you I believe our health
is the most important thing and
emotional health has massive effects on
the physical body and the brain the
hearts the muscles everything I’ve
talked to a lot of different doctors who
say it doesn’t matter how perfect your
eating regimen is your sleeping patterns
your workout schedule if you’re not able
to deal with the emotional side of
things you’ll still have physical
problems you’ll still manifest disease
or
or illness in the body and so the
emotional side of things is something
that we really get to address and think
about and figure out a way that we can
support our emotions our heart every
single day so we can sleep at night
peacefully very cool very well said
well Louis thank you so much for joining
in guys go pick up his book go check out
Lewis house calm Lewis house calm slash
mask just just masks super easy
yeah thank you guys for joining in
continue to believe and we’ll see you
soon thanks
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