in the military they give medals to
people who are willing to sacrifice
themselves that others may gain in
business we give bonuses to people who
are willing to sacrifice others so that
we may gain we have it backwards
wouldn’t you like to work in an
organization in which you have the
absolute confidence the absolute
knowledge that other people that you may
or may not know who work in the same
organization as you would be willing to
sacrifice themselves so that you may
survive and in and we’re not talking
about giving your life I mean we don’t
even like to give a credit you know so
where do people like Johnny Bravo come
from well it’s an age-old question
they’re not born they’re actually made
if you look at the human animal the
human animal is like a machine there are
systems inside our bodies that are
trying to get us to do things that are
in the interests of the survival of the
human animal right just like in an
industry in a business and the company
if you want people to do something you
offer them some sort of positive or
negative incentive to direct the
behavior right so if you want people to
achieve a certain goal you offer them a
bonus if they achieve that goal and
they’ll work towards that goal because
they want the bonus it’s a very simple
system the human body works exactly the
same way it works exactly the same way
inside our bodies are chemicals that are
trying to get us to do things that are
in the best interest of us if you’ve
ever had a feeling of happiness pride
joy love fulfillment all of these
feelings that we have are chemically
produced feelings and they’re produced
by four chemicals predominantly these
are the basically responsible for all of
the feelings that I would generically
call happiness they are endorphins
dopamine serotonin and oxytocin ed so
[Music]
these two chemicals endorphins and
dopamine I like to call these the
selfish chemicals but you don’t really
need anybody’s help to get them right
let me tell you let me tell you a little
bit about what they are endorphins
endorphins are designed to do one thing
and one thing only masks physical pain
that’s it that’s what they do if you if
you’re a runner if you’ve ever gone and
done a heavy exercise you’ve heard of an
endorphin rush or a runner’s high
basically what’s happening is when that
runners out there pushing their bodies
harder than they’ve ever pushed before
they feel good and when they’re done
with their run they feel fantastic and
then an hour later they’re in pain for
damage they cause their muscles an hour
before right this is what endorphins are
designed to do they’re designed to mask
physical pain the caveman reason for
this stuff because this stuff is all
from 50,000 years ago understand homo
sapien existed at the same time as other
hominid species and yet we survived and
they didn’t what is it about this
species that’s so good at survival and
thriving look at the world we’ve built
it’s not just that we’re smart we’re
certainly not the strongest we’re
certainly not the smartest it’s that so
we’re social animals we have to do
things together together we have to look
after each other and we have to work
together to ensure that we survive that
we do well this is how we’re designed
right these chemicals are trying to make
that happen
so in these caveman times 50,000 years
ago Paleolithic era
we had to eat we’re not the strongest
we’re not the fastest but there’s one
thing that the human animal is made for
endurance we could track an animal for
hours and hours and hours and miles and
miles and miles and if we were tired
we’d keep going and if we got injured or
we had to bring the food back to the
cave we’d continue to do it and it was
so good it felt so good that maybe we’d
even volunteer to go hunting the next
day just like we get addicted to
exercise right oh my god it was so much
fun yesterday I will totally go hunting
tomorrow right good system for the
survival of the group good system by the
way the reason laughing feels good is
because of endorphins you’re actually
convulsing your internal organs and
endorphins are masking the physical pain
I’m sure everybody here has laughed so
much
that the endorphins eventually run out
you go stop stop it hurts endorphins
they feel good dopamine dopamine is the
feeling that you found something you’re
looking for or do you accomplish
something you set out to accomplish so
you know that feeling you get when you
cross something off your to-do list
that’s dopamine feels awesome you know
when you when you have a goal to hit and
you achieve that goal you’re like yes
you feel like you’ve won something right
that’s dopamine the whole purpose of
dopamine is to make sure that we get
stuff done right
the historical reason for dopamine we
would never eat if we only waited to get
until we got hungry because there’s no
guarantee that we would find food
so dopamine exists to help us go looking
for food we get dopamine when we eat
which is one of the reasons we like
eating and so when you see something
that reminds you of something that feels
good we want to do the behavior that
helps us get that feeling right so let’s
say you’re out there going for a walk
and you see an apple tree in the
distance you get a small hit of dopamine
and then what it does is it focuses us
on our goals and now we start walking
towards the apple tree and as the apple
tree starts to get a little bigger we
feel like we’re making progress you get
another little shot of dopamine and
another little shadow dopamine until you
get to the Train you’re like yes okay
this is why we’re told you must write
down your goals your goals must be
tangible there’s a there’s a biological
reason for that we we’re very very
visually oriented animals you have to be
able to see the goal for it to
biologically stay focused right if you
don’t write down your goals if you can’t
see your goals it’s very hard to get
motivated to get inspired for example
think about corporate visions right a
corporate vision is has to be something
we can see right that’s why it’s called
a vision you can see it right to be the
biggest most respected to be the
fastest-growing are not visions they’re
nothing right what does that even look
like respected by whom your mother
yourself your friends your shareholders
who knows what’s the metric dunno it’s
Amorphis doesn’t motivate us just like I
can’t tell you you will get a bonus if
you achieve more you’re gonna ask me how
much more I’m gonna say more doesn’t
work
you need a tangible goal you need a
tangible goal right here’s a great
vision Martin Luther King I have a dream
that one day little black children and
little white children will play on the
playground together and hold hands
together we can imagine that we can set
our sights on that and every time we
achieve a goal and achieve a metric and
achieve a milestone that makes us feel
like we’re making progress to the
division we can see we keep going and
going and going until we achieve
something remarkable you have to be able
to see it dopamine
like I said dopamine is the feeling you
get when you set out to find something
you’re looking for as well
talked about the to-do list I came home
from a trip just a couple days ago and I
had a bunch of errands to run and I
wrote down a little list of things I had
to do and off I went right and as I was
walking past I think was a dragon I
don’t remember I was walking past
something I remembered oh I have to do
that and I hadn’t written it down on my
I hadn’t written down on my to-do list
so I went in and finished what I needed
to do and then when I came out I then
wrote it on my to-do list and then
crossed it out because I wanted the
dopamine feels good dopamine comes with
a warning dopamine is highly highly
highly addictive here are some other
things that release dopamine alcohol
nicotine gambling your cell phone
oh you think I’m joking oK we’ve all
been told that you know if you wake up
in the morning and you crave a drink you
might be an alcoholic
well if you wake up in the morning the
first thing you do is check your phone
before you even get out of bed might be
an addict
if you walk from room to room in your
own apartment holding your telephone
you might be an addict when you’re
driving in your car and you get a text
and your phone goes beep we we hate
email true we love the beep the buzz the
ding oh right you’ll be there in 10
minutes
and yet you have to look at it right now
you might be an addict and even if you
read it and it says are you free for
dinner next Thursday and you have to
reply immediately you can’t wait to ten
minutes you might be an addict and for
all you Gen Y is out there who like to
think that you’re better at multitasking
beause you grew up with the technology
then why do you keep crashing your cars
when you’re texting you’re not you’re
not better at multitasking you’re better
at getting distracted in fact if you
look at the statistics a DD and ADHD
have diagnosis of a DD and ADHD have
risen 66% in the past 10 years ok a DD
and ADHD is a frontal lobe disorder
right are you telling me out of nowhere
66 percent of our youth has the frontal
lobe problem where did that come from no
it’s a misdiagnosis right what what are
the what are the symptoms of a dopamine
addiction to technology distractibility
inability to get things done easily
easily distracted you know
shortness of attention it’s all the same
thing so we misdiagnosed things it’s
this it’s the addictive quality of
dopamine we can also get addicted to
performance in our companies when all
they do is give us numbers to hit
numbers to hit numbers to hit and a
bonus you get and a bonus you get and a
bonus you get all they’re doing is
feeding us with dopamine and we can’t
help ourselves all we do is want more
more MORE it’s no surprise that the
bank’s destroyed the economy because one
of the things we know about dopamine
addict is they will do anything to get
another hit sometimes at the sacrifice
of their own resources and their
relationships ask any alcoholic gambling
addict or or as drug addict just ask
them how their relationships are doing
and if they’ve squandered any of their
resources it’s an addiction dopamine is
dangerous if it is unbalanced it is
hugely helpful when in a comfortable and
balanced system that when unbalanced
it’s dangerous that’s destructive you
don’t need anybody’s help to get these
go for a run achieve your goals you’ll
get dopamine
you’ll get endorphins but you won’t have
any feeling of fulfillment or love or
trust that’s where these come in these
are attempting to manage these this is
what makes our society great this is
where people like Johnny Bravo come from
it’s because of these two chemicals that
leaders really fulfill their great
responsibilities outside in the world is
danger at all times for various reasons
in caveman times that danger may have
been you know a saber-toothed tiger it
may have been the weather it may have
been a lack of resources it may have
been who knows any number of things
things that with no conscience are
trying to kill you they want to end your
life and so how do we survive we work
together and together we come together
in our groups and our companies and our
tribes to feel like we belong to be
around people who believe what we
believe so that we may feel safe when
we’re surrounded by people who have our
best interests in mind and we feel safe
we will organize ourselves and cooperate
to face the dangers externally don’t
forget the outside dangers are a
constant in a modern world the outside
dangers may be your competition that’s
trying to put you out of business or at
least steal your business it might be
the absent flows of the economy it might
be terrorism all of these unknowns all
trying to put you out of business take
away your job take away your livelihood
end it for you nothing personal it’s a
constant inside our organizations the
dangers we face are not a constant they
are a variable and they are the
decisions of leadership as to how safe
they make us feel when we go to work
this is the job of leaders ASA said it
better than I can there’s an Aesop fable
about four oxen that stand tailed to
tail
whenever the lion tries to eat them no
matter what angle from which he attacks
he will always be met with horns
however due to infighting and
disagreements they separate and they go
and graze
in different parts of the field and one
by one the lion picks them off and kills
them all when we stand together we can
more easily face the dangers outside
when we break up inside our companies if
our leaders don’t allow us a space to
feel safe inside our own companies to
feel like we belong then we have to
we’re forced to exert our own energy to
protect ourselves from each other and by
the way expose ourselves to greater
danger from the outside if you have to
worry about politics if you have to
worry about someone stealing your credit
if you have to worry about your boss not
having your back think about the energy
you invest not in your business not in
the products you’re trying to develop
not in your work not in how great you’re
producing not in your creativity but in
just keeping yourself feeling safe this
is destructive the responsibilities of
leadership is two things one to
determine who gets in and who doesn’t
get in this is what it means to start
with why what are our values what are
our beliefs who can we allow in second
thing is to decide how big this is how
big do we make the circle of safety how
big do we make the circle of belonging
do we keep it around just our c-level
executives and call it an inner circle
and allow others to try and fend for
themselves and maybe try and get into
our inner circle or do we extend it to
the outermost edges of the organization
great leaders extend the circle of
safety the circle of belonging out to
the outermost edges so the most junior
person feels like they belong feels safe
feels like they have top cover from
somebody like Johnny Bravo that’s what
these other two chemicals are trying to
do
serotonin is the leadership chemical is
the responsible for feelings of pride
and status when you this is why public
recognition is very important we are
social animals and we need the
recognition of others this is why we
have the Oscars and this is why we have
public awards events this is why we have
commencement for graduation I mean think
about it what does it really take to get
to graduate college you need to pay your
bills
fulfill the minimum requirements and and
collect enough credits that’s it right
it’s a formula you could get an email
that says congratulations you fulfilled
all the requirements for graduation and
closed please print out the PDF of your
diploma PS magna laude right
wouldn’t feel so good right so instead
we have a big ceremony to recognize the
accomplishment and in the audience we
put our family and our friends and our
teachers all of those in our tribe
who’ve supported us and watched our
backs as we’ve made it through and then
we show up on that day and we go up on
that stage and we take our diploma it
feels great
we feel our status rise we feel our
pride go up and by the way when you have
serotonin in your veins your confidence
goes up also and here’s the best part
about serotonin at the exact moment that
you took your diploma and you felt that
surge of serotonin go through your body
at the exact moment your parents sitting
in the audience also got a surge of
serotonin and also felt an intense pride
watching you graduate and this is what
serotonin is trying to do it is trying
to reinforce the relationship between
parent and child boss and employee coach
and player the caregiver and the one who
is is Greta’s grateful for the support
they are given and think about it listen
to the speeches that we give if you give
an award to somebody what do they say I
couldn’t have done it I thank God I
thank my parents I thank my coach we
thank the person who we believed was
looking out for us we could not have
done this without them we say and they
look at us and they say so
out of you and we work to make them
proud great teams don’t want to win the
trophy great teams want to win one for
the coach they want to make the coach
proud we want to make our parents proud
and it raises our status and it raises
our confidence and it feels good and we
in turn will look after others so that
they may accomplish the same this is
what serotonin is trying desperately to
do the problem is you can trick
serotonin we live in a materialist
society so we judge status very often in
our country based on how much money you
make right so any conspicuous display of
wealth raises your status this is why
they put the logos on the outside no
good on the inside nobody can see them
we want the red line of ours our proud
of glasses how good you you want a pair
of designer shoes how good does it feel
to put on your Gucci shoes oh my god it
feels so good you walk out and you feel
a million bucks you can actually feel
your confidence rise when you put on you
put on the stuff right because it’s
showing this display of status it feels
great the problem is there was no real
relationship that was reinforced because
of it you tricked the system that’s why
we keep trying to accomplish things and
accumulate more and more material goods
and yet we never feel successful because
there was no relationship we tricked it
we gained it serotonin is the leadership
chemical the reason I call it the
leadership chemical is a historical
reason a very simple historical reason
we had a very practical problem as our
animal was developing as the Homo Sapien
was developing we lived in communities
of about a hundred and a hundred and
fifty people and there’s a very
practical issue which is if we’re hungry
and somebody brings back food and drop a
carcass on the floor we’re all gonna
rush in to eat and if you’re lucky
enough to be built like a linebacker
you will elbow your way to the front and
if you’re the artistic one of the family
you get the elbow in the face not a good
system to keep the whole tribe alive and
definitely not a good system for
cooperation because remember the value
of group living means that if I trust
you and you trust me I can fall asleep
at night and trust that you will alert
me to danger if I don’t trust you I
can’t go to sleep at night it’s the same
in our companies if we trust each other
we will turn our backs we will take
risks we will innovate we will do things
that will change the course of our world
if I don’t trust you I can’t do that I
can’t do that there’s value in group
living and group working and so if
you’ve got an elbow in the face that
afternoon odds are very high that you’re
not gonna wake the guy who punched you
if dangers there you’re just not gonna
do it bad system and so we evolved into
hierarchical animals we’re constantly
assessing and judging each other
constantly arranging ourselves who’s the
Alpha who’s the dominant who’s the one
who who sort of is the is that is the
more dominant personality or dominant
talent in the room in cavemen times that
might have been physical muscle in the
creative industry might be talent in you
know the military might be courage
there’s no standard by which we judge
alphas it’s relative to the industries
were in and it’s relative to us as well
if you’ve ever met someone and you were
nervous while you were meeting them
you’re not the Alpha we’ve all had the
experience where we’re meeting somebody
and we can sense that they’re nervous
meeting us you’re the Alpha I’ll tell
you a little aside that’s kind of funny
you know when women all live together
their menstrual cycles align right
assuming they’re not on the pill then it
doesn’t work right but if they’re not on
the pill that all the mental cycles go
together on the same schedule it’s not
arbitrary they always align with the
alpha females schedule and the reason is
is because when a woman is in her
menstrual cycle she can’t bear children
and so in evolutionary terms you want
the alpha male male female to to do it
so you can have alpha children right
nice strong strapping kids are gonna
survive but if she’s off the market that
produces competition so mother nature
has in
and created a very clever way that when
she’s off the market everyone’s off the
market back to the talk so we’re
constantly judging and assessing each
other who’s alpha right and what we do
is when we assess that someone else is
the alpha we voluntarily take a step
back and allow them to eat first alphas
get first choice of meat and first
choice of mate good system good system
the Alpha gets to eat first the rest of
us may not get the best cut of meat but
we will get to eat eventually and we
won’t get an elbow in the face good
system will happily alert them to danger
later good system this is why we’re
constantly trying to raise our status is
because there are benefits to being the
Alpha people will do things for us and
step back and offer us favors right we
were and we to this day we’re perfectly
comfortable giving special treatment to
our alphas no one has a problem that
your boss makes more money than you you
might think he’s an ass but you don’t
have a problem that he makes more money
nobody has a problem that somebody
outrank who outranks us at work has a
bigger office than us doesn’t offend us
it’s deeply ingrained in us we happily
step aside and allow our alphas first
choice of meat and first choice of mate
it’s good to be the king there are
advantages that come with being the
Alpha you get special treatment you get
to eat first people show you love and
respect it boosts the serotonin you walk
around like this it boosts your
confidence it’s awesome but it comes at
a cost you see the group is not stupid
we’re not giving all of that stuff away
for free leadership alpha comes at a
cost
you see we expect that when danger
threatens us from the outside that the
person who’s actually stronger the
person who’s better fed and the person
who is actually teeming with serotonin
and actually as higher confidence of the
rest of us we expect them to run towards
the danger to protect us this is what it
means to be a leader the cost of
leadership is self-interest if you’re
not willing to give up your perks when
it matters then you probably shouldn’t
get promoted
you might be an authority but you will
not be a leader leadership comes at a
cost you don’t get to do less work when
you get more senior you have to do more
work and the more work you have to do is
put yourself at risk to look after
others that is the anthropological
definition of what a leader is this is
why we’re so offended by these banker
boys who pay themselves astronomical
salaries it has nothing to do with the
number it has to do with the fact that
they have violated a deep-seated social
contract we know that they made all of
that money and allowed their people to
be sacrificed in fact they may have
sacrificed their people for the money if
I told you we’re gonna give a hundred
and fifty million dollars to Nelson
Mandela would anyone have a problem with
that
nope two hundred and fifty million
dollars to mother Teresa got an issue
with it no it’s not the number it’s not
the amount of money they make it’s that
we are deeply and viscerally offended
that we know that we allowed them to
have this alpha position and they did
not fulfill their responsibility of the
Alpha they’re supposed to sacrifice
themselves for us never sacrifice us for
themselves this is why we’re angry and
offended and don’t trust them they fail
oh there’s more
[Music]
oxytocin this is the best chemical of
all oxytocin is the feeling of love
trust and friendship it’s all the warm
and fuzzies it’s all the unicorns and
rainbows it’s the reason we like to
spend time with our friends even if we
don’t do anything with them we just sit
and watch TV we love their company I
promise you nearly every single person
sitting in this room today chose the
person they’re sitting next to you’re
not sitting next to a stranger you’re
sitting next to somebody you met came
with work or kind of know a little bit
why because it makes you feel safer
doesn’t it if you got up and went and
sat next to strangers wouldn’t feel so
good that’s the feeling of oxytocin
oxytocin is that intense feeling of
safety that someone’s got your back
there are multiple ways you can get
oxytocin one way to get it is physical
contact
hugging feels wonderful right this when
women give birth to children huge surge
of oxytocin in their body this is what’s
responsible for the mother parent that
the mother-child bond right it’s all
that oxytocin in the system this is why
shaking hands matters
imagine you’re doing the deal with
someone and you’re ready to sign the
contract and you say I’m so excited to
do business with you
and they go I don’t need to shake let’s
sign the contract I’m also excited to do
business with you you go great well
let’s shake on it then they go no no no
I agree to all the terms let’s get this
deal done I can’t wait to work with you
there you might get everything you want
in the contract but business
relationships are not rational they’re
about feeling safe they’re about feeling
we belong it’s human and one of the ways
we want to know that that relationship
is solidified is with physical touch
they’re simple refusal to touch you to
exchange that oxytocin means one of two
things will happen
you will either completely scuttle the
deal or you will go into it nervous
human bonds matter another way you can
get oxytocin is through acts of human
generosity an act of human generosity is
defined as giving of your time and
energy and X
affecting nothing in return money
doesn’t work sorry if I told you that
this morning I gave $1,000 to charity
what would you think of me you’d be like
good for you
what do you want to meddle but if I told
you that last Saturday I gave up my day
and I went and painted schools in the
inner city then what would you think
you’d be like nice cool I should do more
right
the the value of my labour much less
than a thousand dollars could have hired
many more people for a thousand dollars
to go paint schools in the inner city
but you see as human beings we put a
premium on time because it is an equal
commodity and it is a non redeemable
commodity you spend money you make money
you spend time you’ll never get it back
some of you are sitting in this room
right now saying I will never get this
time back I got nothing for you
so we put a premium on people who give
us their time and energy a leader who
says to you I’ll pay for something for
you is not a leader a leader comes and
sits down next to you and says how can I
help you is a leader I was talking to
some oil executives and they were trying
to convince me that they really care
about how fulfilled and how happy their
employees are at work to which I said no
you don’t and they said no we do and I
said no you know and they said yeah we
do you see how this win and I said I bet
you hired some high-priced consultancy
to come into a web survey about whether
people like their jobs or not and they
said well we didn’t hire a consultancy I
said okay so it’s kind of like sending
your son an email right dear son your
mother and I care that you feel like a
valuable part of this family
please tell us candidly what we can do
better so that you feel like you belong
here because we really love you love dad
or you go into his room you sit on his
bed and you say hey son your mom and I
really care that you feel like a
valuable member of this family
please tell us candidly what we can do
better because we want you to feel like
you belong and we really love you same
words same intention same desire the
difference is one you gave time and
energy and the other one you didn’t this
is the problem with email it’s too easy
it’s too easy
there’s no time and energy expended it’s
too easy don’t feel anything if I come
to your house for dinner you make me a
lovely dinner the next day I send you a
very nice thank-you email what a
wonderful host you are or three days
later you receive a handwritten note
from me with the exact same words that
were written in the email which one
makes you feel better
note the sentiment was the same the
words were the same the difference is
one took a little more time and a little
more energy leaders are the ones who
give us their time and give us their
energy not the ones who give us their
money it doesn’t count doesn’t work just
biologically doesn’t work this is how
you get oxytocin doing nice things for
people that require that you sacrifice a
little bit of time a little bit of
energy something you will never get back
and if you expect something in return
then you weren’t really giving in the
first place you take someone out for
dinner because you want them to hire you
you’re not really taking them out for
dinner you want something in return it’s
just a protracted transaction it’s not
relationship building it’s nonsense I
was walking down the streets of New York
true story and guy in front of me his
backpack opened a bunch of paper filled
spilled out on the on the street didn’t
think much of it I bent down gathered
the papers up handed them back to him
and pointed out that his bag it opened I
did a small act of generosity for
somebody I got a small burst of oxytocin
I felt good also the person on the
receiving end of the act of generosity
feels good they get a shot of oxytocin
he felt good he says thanks get to the
end of the block and I’m standing
waiting to cross the street and a guy
who’s also happens to be standing
waiting to cross the street turns around
true story turns around and says to me I
saw what you did back there that was
really cool
as it turns out witnessing acts of human
generosity release oxytocin remember our
bodies are trying to get us to repeat
behaviors that are in our best interest
and it’s making us feel good when we see
or do acts of human generosity so that
we will do them in fact the more
oxytocin you have in your body the more
generous you actually become you know is
the more you do the more you want to do
it gets better than that
lots of oxytocin in your body inhibits
addiction it makes it very difficult to
get addicted to something when you have
lots of oxytocin your body actually hits
addiction it boosts your immune system
it makes you healthier
that’s why happy people live longer it’s
why couples live longer
oxytocin it actually is good for us it
increases our ability to solve problems
it increases our creativity it’s really
good for us and it’s not addictive it
just feels great it takes time to build
up the you know if I went on a date with
a girl the other day there’s a first
date we totally got along great we’re
gonna get married why are you laughing
that’s my social life the reason you
laugh is because you inherently know
that I cannot form a bond of trust
strong enough to get married in seven
days you know that why don’t you go in a
couple more days but inherently you know
that right
but if I told you that I’ve been dating
somebody for seven years and we’re not
married yet what do you say
what’s wrong in other words we know that
that bond of trust takes more than seven
days in less than seven years don’t know
how long it takes them so when you start
a new job and you’re really excited to
work there and they’re really excited to
have you don’t quite feel like you
belong you don’t quite feel like you’re
trusted yet right even though you were
really excited they’re like it takes
time and you have to do little acts of
generosity and make little sacrifices do
little things for people not big risk
small risks it’s like dating you know
you don’t start by buying them a diamond
you start by taking them for lunch
buying them a drink you know little bits
then they take you out or they you take
them out again you do something a little
bigger then you do that in a movie then
they come over and then you buy them
flowers and then you say I love you and
one day you wake up in the morning it’s
like you press this belief button you
just I I’m in love I don’t know when it
happened just clicks and you feel like
you belong same thing at work same thing
at work it just clicks and you feel like
you belong because you got enough
oxytocin built up in your system we
don’t allow this to happen we’re too
busy sending emails we’re too busy
sending emails the next time you want to
tell somebody something email is
fantastic for the exchange of
information right it’s fantastic here’s
the report you wanted the meetings at
four o’clock fantastic what did you
think of my idea do not reply on an
email that’s an emotional question email
is a rational tool you get up from your
desk you walk the thirty feet and you
say wanted to tell you what I thought of
your idea and I promise you not only
will that information be better received
but you will start to create
relationship because oxytocin starts to
get released if you can’t get up and
walk thirty feet pick up the telephone
I’ve done it it’s an amazing thing you
pick up the phone you go hey they’re
like hey what’s the matter you’re like
no I’m just I’m just replying to your
email
wanted to tell you what I thought what
and people who tell me but I need a
paper trail have the conversation hang
up and say just to confirm what we
talked about boom there’s your paper
trail the reason we get so many emails
is because we reply to them all and
twelve emails are sent and then somebody
misunderstands something and somebody
gets angry and then you have to pick up
the phone and deal with it anyway – at
the beginning quicker easier better
biology give your time and give your
energy and this is why leadership is
really difficult because you can’t give
it to everyone because you don’t have
enough to give to everyone you just
can’t you have to make sure that you can
trust others to trust others to trust
others to trust others and this is what
happens in the circle of belonging in
the circle of safety this is what
effective bureaucracy is which is as the
CEO as the leader or whatever your job
is you have one responsibility and one
responsibility only which is to make
sure the people you know that you have
physical contact with you know their
names
our confident and feel looked after and
encourage them to do the same
for the big ones who work beneath them
who brew neat work beneath them who work
beneath them and when this group of
people really feel safe then they will
invite in the customer to also feel safe
they will talk to these people as if
they are human I actually flew in an
airline recently and I was I was
appalled at how I was treated it was
disgusting I was like cattle right and I
said something I said why do you treat
people like cattle and she literally
said to me I’m sorry sir I have to do it
or I’ll lose my job
what did she tell me my organization
that I work for it doesn’t make me feel
safe I don’t feel like Who I book like I
belong so I’m gonna treat you like dirt
to protect myself as opposed to somebody
who feel safest says sir I will do
everything in my power to make sure that
you feel happy and good because I’m not
worried that’s called a highly effective
organism
there’s one more chemical I haven’t told
you about the Big C cortisol cortisol is
the feeling of stress and the feeling of
anxiety we share these chemicals with
all the social mammals and so when you
see a herd of gizelle you vall seen the
documentary on discovery or whatever
right see a herd of gazelle grazing and
one of them thinks they hear a rustle in
the grass and they go head right
that’s what cortisol does cortisol is
designed to keep us alive it is the
first stage of fight-or-flight
it makes us paranoid it makes all of our
senses hyper attuned to look for danger
it injects glucose into our muscles to
make us stiff and ready to go in case we
need to fight or flight it increases our
heart rate like crazy right and it makes
us start looking it makes is paranoid to
find the danger and the cool thing about
cortisol when you work in a social
environment is if other people sense
that you’re nervous they get nervous so
all the other gazelle go they didn’t
hear anything they just saw Steve over
there it really freaked out and so they
got all freaked out and now they all
start looking for the danger good system
and one of them who didn’t even hear the
initial rustle in the grass sees the
lion runs they all run they all live
another day good system so that when we
go to work and somebody says I think
there’s gonna be layoffs all of us are
like what do you mean wait there’s gonna
be we’re all paranoid now we’re all free
I shouldn’t have talked in that meeting
we start to get crazy we start to get
paranoid our hearts start to race
it’s what cortisol does it’s trying to
keep us alive you wake up in the middle
of the night you hear a bump in the
middle of the night huh what’s the first
thing you do you wake the person next to
you and then what do they do they go and
if there’s nothing there you go and
trust your eyes right you go looking for
it we’re visual animals right if there’s
nothing there you go like this
cortisol leaves our body and we relax
and a heartbeat goes back down cortisol
to get all of that extra energy to make
us paranoid to make us self-interested
it needs to shut down non-essential
systems because it has to get it from
somewhere right so it shuts off things
like growth you don’t need your
fingernails to grow at that moment shuts
it off the other thing it shuts off is
our immune system don’t need it in that
moment the problem is you’re not
supposed to have cortisol in your system
all the time you’re supposed to have it
in and then gone and when we go to work
in a place that doesn’t make us feel
like we belong that doesn’t make us feel
safe when we’re at work guess what we
got little bits of cortisol dripping in
our body drip drip drip drip makes his
paranoid drip I know my boss hates me I
know he hates me I hate he hates all my
ideas I know it drip drip it makes it
self-interested one of the things
cortisol does it inhibits the release of
oxytocin biologically if you work in a
high-stress environment where you don’t
feel safe you were biologically less
empathetic and less generous we don’t
care about each other because we’re too
busy trying to protect ourselves drip
drip drip our immune systems are now
compromised drip drip drip we live in
the country with some of the best
medical education in the world some of
the best medical systems in the world
some of the best doctors in the world
some of the best hospitals in the world
some the best medicines in the world
please explain to me why diabetes is on
the rise heart disease is on the rise
some cancers are on the rise it ain’t
hot partially hydrogenated oils our jobs
are killing us and the people who
responsible are the leaders and we also
know that parents who come home stressed
out their kids learn that this is what
work is that work is something that
makes you short-tempered and and unhappy
and so they expect it as they grow older
worse we know that parents who come home
upset and angry it has such a negative
impact on their children that there’s
some studies that show that they might
actually become bullies because of their
unhappy parents who hate their jobs and
have excessive amounts of stress
our companies are literally killing us
so what are you gonna do about it what
are gonna do about it
leadership is not a ranked leadership is
not a position leadership is a decision
leadership is a choice it has nothing to
do with your position in the
organization if you decide to look after
the person to the left of you and look
after the person to the right of you you
have become a leader you’ve seen the
movie 300 right the Spartans the
greatest fighting force of all time you
want to know one of the things that made
the Spartans great wasn’t their muscles
wasn’t their spears it was their shields
they stood shield to shield and the
Phalanx was stronger because they all
those shields were big and they were
told when they were young children you
either bring your shield home or you
come home on your shield the punishment
for for losing your shield was
tremendous in battle because if you lost
your shield that means you cannot
protect the person to the left of you
and the person to the right of you and
you have destroyed the failings
it’s the shield that matters not the
spear not the spear
it’s your willingness to sacrifice
yourself not your life maybe your credit
maybe you’re a little time maybe a
little energy
maybe you’re tough you know maybe
getting up from your desk and talking to
somebody for 30 minutes instead of
sending a three-minute email
it’s your willingness to sacrifice for
someone to hold that shield up so that
they feel safe that makes you a leader
and you want to know how you beat a
dopamine addiction if you worried that
you’re addicted to performance and all
this dopamine things Alcoholics
Anonymous has been highly effective for
decades 80 something years we all know
the first step of the 12 steps we joke
about it right admit you have a problem
did you know the twelfth step don’t say
it’s supposed to be anonymous
I’ll tell you what the 12 step is
Alcoholics Anonymous knows that if you
master all 11 steps but not the twelfth
you will drink again if you master the
twelfth step you will beat the disease
what’s the twelfth step the twelfth step
is the commitment to help another
alcoholic service service to another
oxytocine wins sera Tosun won’t
serotonin wins the more we look after
each other
the safer we feel the more we feel like
we belong and the more we will work
together to confront the dangers outside
do this for others and others will
become Johnny Bravo
[Music]
you
people who are willing to sacrifice
themselves that others may gain in
business we give bonuses to people who
are willing to sacrifice others so that
we may gain we have it backwards
wouldn’t you like to work in an
organization in which you have the
absolute confidence the absolute
knowledge that other people that you may
or may not know who work in the same
organization as you would be willing to
sacrifice themselves so that you may
survive and in and we’re not talking
about giving your life I mean we don’t
even like to give a credit you know so
where do people like Johnny Bravo come
from well it’s an age-old question
they’re not born they’re actually made
if you look at the human animal the
human animal is like a machine there are
systems inside our bodies that are
trying to get us to do things that are
in the interests of the survival of the
human animal right just like in an
industry in a business and the company
if you want people to do something you
offer them some sort of positive or
negative incentive to direct the
behavior right so if you want people to
achieve a certain goal you offer them a
bonus if they achieve that goal and
they’ll work towards that goal because
they want the bonus it’s a very simple
system the human body works exactly the
same way it works exactly the same way
inside our bodies are chemicals that are
trying to get us to do things that are
in the best interest of us if you’ve
ever had a feeling of happiness pride
joy love fulfillment all of these
feelings that we have are chemically
produced feelings and they’re produced
by four chemicals predominantly these
are the basically responsible for all of
the feelings that I would generically
call happiness they are endorphins
dopamine serotonin and oxytocin ed so
[Music]
these two chemicals endorphins and
dopamine I like to call these the
selfish chemicals but you don’t really
need anybody’s help to get them right
let me tell you let me tell you a little
bit about what they are endorphins
endorphins are designed to do one thing
and one thing only masks physical pain
that’s it that’s what they do if you if
you’re a runner if you’ve ever gone and
done a heavy exercise you’ve heard of an
endorphin rush or a runner’s high
basically what’s happening is when that
runners out there pushing their bodies
harder than they’ve ever pushed before
they feel good and when they’re done
with their run they feel fantastic and
then an hour later they’re in pain for
damage they cause their muscles an hour
before right this is what endorphins are
designed to do they’re designed to mask
physical pain the caveman reason for
this stuff because this stuff is all
from 50,000 years ago understand homo
sapien existed at the same time as other
hominid species and yet we survived and
they didn’t what is it about this
species that’s so good at survival and
thriving look at the world we’ve built
it’s not just that we’re smart we’re
certainly not the strongest we’re
certainly not the smartest it’s that so
we’re social animals we have to do
things together together we have to look
after each other and we have to work
together to ensure that we survive that
we do well this is how we’re designed
right these chemicals are trying to make
that happen
so in these caveman times 50,000 years
ago Paleolithic era
we had to eat we’re not the strongest
we’re not the fastest but there’s one
thing that the human animal is made for
endurance we could track an animal for
hours and hours and hours and miles and
miles and miles and if we were tired
we’d keep going and if we got injured or
we had to bring the food back to the
cave we’d continue to do it and it was
so good it felt so good that maybe we’d
even volunteer to go hunting the next
day just like we get addicted to
exercise right oh my god it was so much
fun yesterday I will totally go hunting
tomorrow right good system for the
survival of the group good system by the
way the reason laughing feels good is
because of endorphins you’re actually
convulsing your internal organs and
endorphins are masking the physical pain
I’m sure everybody here has laughed so
much
that the endorphins eventually run out
you go stop stop it hurts endorphins
they feel good dopamine dopamine is the
feeling that you found something you’re
looking for or do you accomplish
something you set out to accomplish so
you know that feeling you get when you
cross something off your to-do list
that’s dopamine feels awesome you know
when you when you have a goal to hit and
you achieve that goal you’re like yes
you feel like you’ve won something right
that’s dopamine the whole purpose of
dopamine is to make sure that we get
stuff done right
the historical reason for dopamine we
would never eat if we only waited to get
until we got hungry because there’s no
guarantee that we would find food
so dopamine exists to help us go looking
for food we get dopamine when we eat
which is one of the reasons we like
eating and so when you see something
that reminds you of something that feels
good we want to do the behavior that
helps us get that feeling right so let’s
say you’re out there going for a walk
and you see an apple tree in the
distance you get a small hit of dopamine
and then what it does is it focuses us
on our goals and now we start walking
towards the apple tree and as the apple
tree starts to get a little bigger we
feel like we’re making progress you get
another little shot of dopamine and
another little shadow dopamine until you
get to the Train you’re like yes okay
this is why we’re told you must write
down your goals your goals must be
tangible there’s a there’s a biological
reason for that we we’re very very
visually oriented animals you have to be
able to see the goal for it to
biologically stay focused right if you
don’t write down your goals if you can’t
see your goals it’s very hard to get
motivated to get inspired for example
think about corporate visions right a
corporate vision is has to be something
we can see right that’s why it’s called
a vision you can see it right to be the
biggest most respected to be the
fastest-growing are not visions they’re
nothing right what does that even look
like respected by whom your mother
yourself your friends your shareholders
who knows what’s the metric dunno it’s
Amorphis doesn’t motivate us just like I
can’t tell you you will get a bonus if
you achieve more you’re gonna ask me how
much more I’m gonna say more doesn’t
work
you need a tangible goal you need a
tangible goal right here’s a great
vision Martin Luther King I have a dream
that one day little black children and
little white children will play on the
playground together and hold hands
together we can imagine that we can set
our sights on that and every time we
achieve a goal and achieve a metric and
achieve a milestone that makes us feel
like we’re making progress to the
division we can see we keep going and
going and going until we achieve
something remarkable you have to be able
to see it dopamine
like I said dopamine is the feeling you
get when you set out to find something
you’re looking for as well
talked about the to-do list I came home
from a trip just a couple days ago and I
had a bunch of errands to run and I
wrote down a little list of things I had
to do and off I went right and as I was
walking past I think was a dragon I
don’t remember I was walking past
something I remembered oh I have to do
that and I hadn’t written it down on my
I hadn’t written down on my to-do list
so I went in and finished what I needed
to do and then when I came out I then
wrote it on my to-do list and then
crossed it out because I wanted the
dopamine feels good dopamine comes with
a warning dopamine is highly highly
highly addictive here are some other
things that release dopamine alcohol
nicotine gambling your cell phone
oh you think I’m joking oK we’ve all
been told that you know if you wake up
in the morning and you crave a drink you
might be an alcoholic
well if you wake up in the morning the
first thing you do is check your phone
before you even get out of bed might be
an addict
if you walk from room to room in your
own apartment holding your telephone
you might be an addict when you’re
driving in your car and you get a text
and your phone goes beep we we hate
email true we love the beep the buzz the
ding oh right you’ll be there in 10
minutes
and yet you have to look at it right now
you might be an addict and even if you
read it and it says are you free for
dinner next Thursday and you have to
reply immediately you can’t wait to ten
minutes you might be an addict and for
all you Gen Y is out there who like to
think that you’re better at multitasking
beause you grew up with the technology
then why do you keep crashing your cars
when you’re texting you’re not you’re
not better at multitasking you’re better
at getting distracted in fact if you
look at the statistics a DD and ADHD
have diagnosis of a DD and ADHD have
risen 66% in the past 10 years ok a DD
and ADHD is a frontal lobe disorder
right are you telling me out of nowhere
66 percent of our youth has the frontal
lobe problem where did that come from no
it’s a misdiagnosis right what what are
the what are the symptoms of a dopamine
addiction to technology distractibility
inability to get things done easily
easily distracted you know
shortness of attention it’s all the same
thing so we misdiagnosed things it’s
this it’s the addictive quality of
dopamine we can also get addicted to
performance in our companies when all
they do is give us numbers to hit
numbers to hit numbers to hit and a
bonus you get and a bonus you get and a
bonus you get all they’re doing is
feeding us with dopamine and we can’t
help ourselves all we do is want more
more MORE it’s no surprise that the
bank’s destroyed the economy because one
of the things we know about dopamine
addict is they will do anything to get
another hit sometimes at the sacrifice
of their own resources and their
relationships ask any alcoholic gambling
addict or or as drug addict just ask
them how their relationships are doing
and if they’ve squandered any of their
resources it’s an addiction dopamine is
dangerous if it is unbalanced it is
hugely helpful when in a comfortable and
balanced system that when unbalanced
it’s dangerous that’s destructive you
don’t need anybody’s help to get these
go for a run achieve your goals you’ll
get dopamine
you’ll get endorphins but you won’t have
any feeling of fulfillment or love or
trust that’s where these come in these
are attempting to manage these this is
what makes our society great this is
where people like Johnny Bravo come from
it’s because of these two chemicals that
leaders really fulfill their great
responsibilities outside in the world is
danger at all times for various reasons
in caveman times that danger may have
been you know a saber-toothed tiger it
may have been the weather it may have
been a lack of resources it may have
been who knows any number of things
things that with no conscience are
trying to kill you they want to end your
life and so how do we survive we work
together and together we come together
in our groups and our companies and our
tribes to feel like we belong to be
around people who believe what we
believe so that we may feel safe when
we’re surrounded by people who have our
best interests in mind and we feel safe
we will organize ourselves and cooperate
to face the dangers externally don’t
forget the outside dangers are a
constant in a modern world the outside
dangers may be your competition that’s
trying to put you out of business or at
least steal your business it might be
the absent flows of the economy it might
be terrorism all of these unknowns all
trying to put you out of business take
away your job take away your livelihood
end it for you nothing personal it’s a
constant inside our organizations the
dangers we face are not a constant they
are a variable and they are the
decisions of leadership as to how safe
they make us feel when we go to work
this is the job of leaders ASA said it
better than I can there’s an Aesop fable
about four oxen that stand tailed to
tail
whenever the lion tries to eat them no
matter what angle from which he attacks
he will always be met with horns
however due to infighting and
disagreements they separate and they go
and graze
in different parts of the field and one
by one the lion picks them off and kills
them all when we stand together we can
more easily face the dangers outside
when we break up inside our companies if
our leaders don’t allow us a space to
feel safe inside our own companies to
feel like we belong then we have to
we’re forced to exert our own energy to
protect ourselves from each other and by
the way expose ourselves to greater
danger from the outside if you have to
worry about politics if you have to
worry about someone stealing your credit
if you have to worry about your boss not
having your back think about the energy
you invest not in your business not in
the products you’re trying to develop
not in your work not in how great you’re
producing not in your creativity but in
just keeping yourself feeling safe this
is destructive the responsibilities of
leadership is two things one to
determine who gets in and who doesn’t
get in this is what it means to start
with why what are our values what are
our beliefs who can we allow in second
thing is to decide how big this is how
big do we make the circle of safety how
big do we make the circle of belonging
do we keep it around just our c-level
executives and call it an inner circle
and allow others to try and fend for
themselves and maybe try and get into
our inner circle or do we extend it to
the outermost edges of the organization
great leaders extend the circle of
safety the circle of belonging out to
the outermost edges so the most junior
person feels like they belong feels safe
feels like they have top cover from
somebody like Johnny Bravo that’s what
these other two chemicals are trying to
do
serotonin is the leadership chemical is
the responsible for feelings of pride
and status when you this is why public
recognition is very important we are
social animals and we need the
recognition of others this is why we
have the Oscars and this is why we have
public awards events this is why we have
commencement for graduation I mean think
about it what does it really take to get
to graduate college you need to pay your
bills
fulfill the minimum requirements and and
collect enough credits that’s it right
it’s a formula you could get an email
that says congratulations you fulfilled
all the requirements for graduation and
closed please print out the PDF of your
diploma PS magna laude right
wouldn’t feel so good right so instead
we have a big ceremony to recognize the
accomplishment and in the audience we
put our family and our friends and our
teachers all of those in our tribe
who’ve supported us and watched our
backs as we’ve made it through and then
we show up on that day and we go up on
that stage and we take our diploma it
feels great
we feel our status rise we feel our
pride go up and by the way when you have
serotonin in your veins your confidence
goes up also and here’s the best part
about serotonin at the exact moment that
you took your diploma and you felt that
surge of serotonin go through your body
at the exact moment your parents sitting
in the audience also got a surge of
serotonin and also felt an intense pride
watching you graduate and this is what
serotonin is trying to do it is trying
to reinforce the relationship between
parent and child boss and employee coach
and player the caregiver and the one who
is is Greta’s grateful for the support
they are given and think about it listen
to the speeches that we give if you give
an award to somebody what do they say I
couldn’t have done it I thank God I
thank my parents I thank my coach we
thank the person who we believed was
looking out for us we could not have
done this without them we say and they
look at us and they say so
out of you and we work to make them
proud great teams don’t want to win the
trophy great teams want to win one for
the coach they want to make the coach
proud we want to make our parents proud
and it raises our status and it raises
our confidence and it feels good and we
in turn will look after others so that
they may accomplish the same this is
what serotonin is trying desperately to
do the problem is you can trick
serotonin we live in a materialist
society so we judge status very often in
our country based on how much money you
make right so any conspicuous display of
wealth raises your status this is why
they put the logos on the outside no
good on the inside nobody can see them
we want the red line of ours our proud
of glasses how good you you want a pair
of designer shoes how good does it feel
to put on your Gucci shoes oh my god it
feels so good you walk out and you feel
a million bucks you can actually feel
your confidence rise when you put on you
put on the stuff right because it’s
showing this display of status it feels
great the problem is there was no real
relationship that was reinforced because
of it you tricked the system that’s why
we keep trying to accomplish things and
accumulate more and more material goods
and yet we never feel successful because
there was no relationship we tricked it
we gained it serotonin is the leadership
chemical the reason I call it the
leadership chemical is a historical
reason a very simple historical reason
we had a very practical problem as our
animal was developing as the Homo Sapien
was developing we lived in communities
of about a hundred and a hundred and
fifty people and there’s a very
practical issue which is if we’re hungry
and somebody brings back food and drop a
carcass on the floor we’re all gonna
rush in to eat and if you’re lucky
enough to be built like a linebacker
you will elbow your way to the front and
if you’re the artistic one of the family
you get the elbow in the face not a good
system to keep the whole tribe alive and
definitely not a good system for
cooperation because remember the value
of group living means that if I trust
you and you trust me I can fall asleep
at night and trust that you will alert
me to danger if I don’t trust you I
can’t go to sleep at night it’s the same
in our companies if we trust each other
we will turn our backs we will take
risks we will innovate we will do things
that will change the course of our world
if I don’t trust you I can’t do that I
can’t do that there’s value in group
living and group working and so if
you’ve got an elbow in the face that
afternoon odds are very high that you’re
not gonna wake the guy who punched you
if dangers there you’re just not gonna
do it bad system and so we evolved into
hierarchical animals we’re constantly
assessing and judging each other
constantly arranging ourselves who’s the
Alpha who’s the dominant who’s the one
who who sort of is the is that is the
more dominant personality or dominant
talent in the room in cavemen times that
might have been physical muscle in the
creative industry might be talent in you
know the military might be courage
there’s no standard by which we judge
alphas it’s relative to the industries
were in and it’s relative to us as well
if you’ve ever met someone and you were
nervous while you were meeting them
you’re not the Alpha we’ve all had the
experience where we’re meeting somebody
and we can sense that they’re nervous
meeting us you’re the Alpha I’ll tell
you a little aside that’s kind of funny
you know when women all live together
their menstrual cycles align right
assuming they’re not on the pill then it
doesn’t work right but if they’re not on
the pill that all the mental cycles go
together on the same schedule it’s not
arbitrary they always align with the
alpha females schedule and the reason is
is because when a woman is in her
menstrual cycle she can’t bear children
and so in evolutionary terms you want
the alpha male male female to to do it
so you can have alpha children right
nice strong strapping kids are gonna
survive but if she’s off the market that
produces competition so mother nature
has in
and created a very clever way that when
she’s off the market everyone’s off the
market back to the talk so we’re
constantly judging and assessing each
other who’s alpha right and what we do
is when we assess that someone else is
the alpha we voluntarily take a step
back and allow them to eat first alphas
get first choice of meat and first
choice of mate good system good system
the Alpha gets to eat first the rest of
us may not get the best cut of meat but
we will get to eat eventually and we
won’t get an elbow in the face good
system will happily alert them to danger
later good system this is why we’re
constantly trying to raise our status is
because there are benefits to being the
Alpha people will do things for us and
step back and offer us favors right we
were and we to this day we’re perfectly
comfortable giving special treatment to
our alphas no one has a problem that
your boss makes more money than you you
might think he’s an ass but you don’t
have a problem that he makes more money
nobody has a problem that somebody
outrank who outranks us at work has a
bigger office than us doesn’t offend us
it’s deeply ingrained in us we happily
step aside and allow our alphas first
choice of meat and first choice of mate
it’s good to be the king there are
advantages that come with being the
Alpha you get special treatment you get
to eat first people show you love and
respect it boosts the serotonin you walk
around like this it boosts your
confidence it’s awesome but it comes at
a cost you see the group is not stupid
we’re not giving all of that stuff away
for free leadership alpha comes at a
cost
you see we expect that when danger
threatens us from the outside that the
person who’s actually stronger the
person who’s better fed and the person
who is actually teeming with serotonin
and actually as higher confidence of the
rest of us we expect them to run towards
the danger to protect us this is what it
means to be a leader the cost of
leadership is self-interest if you’re
not willing to give up your perks when
it matters then you probably shouldn’t
get promoted
you might be an authority but you will
not be a leader leadership comes at a
cost you don’t get to do less work when
you get more senior you have to do more
work and the more work you have to do is
put yourself at risk to look after
others that is the anthropological
definition of what a leader is this is
why we’re so offended by these banker
boys who pay themselves astronomical
salaries it has nothing to do with the
number it has to do with the fact that
they have violated a deep-seated social
contract we know that they made all of
that money and allowed their people to
be sacrificed in fact they may have
sacrificed their people for the money if
I told you we’re gonna give a hundred
and fifty million dollars to Nelson
Mandela would anyone have a problem with
that
nope two hundred and fifty million
dollars to mother Teresa got an issue
with it no it’s not the number it’s not
the amount of money they make it’s that
we are deeply and viscerally offended
that we know that we allowed them to
have this alpha position and they did
not fulfill their responsibility of the
Alpha they’re supposed to sacrifice
themselves for us never sacrifice us for
themselves this is why we’re angry and
offended and don’t trust them they fail
oh there’s more
[Music]
oxytocin this is the best chemical of
all oxytocin is the feeling of love
trust and friendship it’s all the warm
and fuzzies it’s all the unicorns and
rainbows it’s the reason we like to
spend time with our friends even if we
don’t do anything with them we just sit
and watch TV we love their company I
promise you nearly every single person
sitting in this room today chose the
person they’re sitting next to you’re
not sitting next to a stranger you’re
sitting next to somebody you met came
with work or kind of know a little bit
why because it makes you feel safer
doesn’t it if you got up and went and
sat next to strangers wouldn’t feel so
good that’s the feeling of oxytocin
oxytocin is that intense feeling of
safety that someone’s got your back
there are multiple ways you can get
oxytocin one way to get it is physical
contact
hugging feels wonderful right this when
women give birth to children huge surge
of oxytocin in their body this is what’s
responsible for the mother parent that
the mother-child bond right it’s all
that oxytocin in the system this is why
shaking hands matters
imagine you’re doing the deal with
someone and you’re ready to sign the
contract and you say I’m so excited to
do business with you
and they go I don’t need to shake let’s
sign the contract I’m also excited to do
business with you you go great well
let’s shake on it then they go no no no
I agree to all the terms let’s get this
deal done I can’t wait to work with you
there you might get everything you want
in the contract but business
relationships are not rational they’re
about feeling safe they’re about feeling
we belong it’s human and one of the ways
we want to know that that relationship
is solidified is with physical touch
they’re simple refusal to touch you to
exchange that oxytocin means one of two
things will happen
you will either completely scuttle the
deal or you will go into it nervous
human bonds matter another way you can
get oxytocin is through acts of human
generosity an act of human generosity is
defined as giving of your time and
energy and X
affecting nothing in return money
doesn’t work sorry if I told you that
this morning I gave $1,000 to charity
what would you think of me you’d be like
good for you
what do you want to meddle but if I told
you that last Saturday I gave up my day
and I went and painted schools in the
inner city then what would you think
you’d be like nice cool I should do more
right
the the value of my labour much less
than a thousand dollars could have hired
many more people for a thousand dollars
to go paint schools in the inner city
but you see as human beings we put a
premium on time because it is an equal
commodity and it is a non redeemable
commodity you spend money you make money
you spend time you’ll never get it back
some of you are sitting in this room
right now saying I will never get this
time back I got nothing for you
so we put a premium on people who give
us their time and energy a leader who
says to you I’ll pay for something for
you is not a leader a leader comes and
sits down next to you and says how can I
help you is a leader I was talking to
some oil executives and they were trying
to convince me that they really care
about how fulfilled and how happy their
employees are at work to which I said no
you don’t and they said no we do and I
said no you know and they said yeah we
do you see how this win and I said I bet
you hired some high-priced consultancy
to come into a web survey about whether
people like their jobs or not and they
said well we didn’t hire a consultancy I
said okay so it’s kind of like sending
your son an email right dear son your
mother and I care that you feel like a
valuable part of this family
please tell us candidly what we can do
better so that you feel like you belong
here because we really love you love dad
or you go into his room you sit on his
bed and you say hey son your mom and I
really care that you feel like a
valuable member of this family
please tell us candidly what we can do
better because we want you to feel like
you belong and we really love you same
words same intention same desire the
difference is one you gave time and
energy and the other one you didn’t this
is the problem with email it’s too easy
it’s too easy
there’s no time and energy expended it’s
too easy don’t feel anything if I come
to your house for dinner you make me a
lovely dinner the next day I send you a
very nice thank-you email what a
wonderful host you are or three days
later you receive a handwritten note
from me with the exact same words that
were written in the email which one
makes you feel better
note the sentiment was the same the
words were the same the difference is
one took a little more time and a little
more energy leaders are the ones who
give us their time and give us their
energy not the ones who give us their
money it doesn’t count doesn’t work just
biologically doesn’t work this is how
you get oxytocin doing nice things for
people that require that you sacrifice a
little bit of time a little bit of
energy something you will never get back
and if you expect something in return
then you weren’t really giving in the
first place you take someone out for
dinner because you want them to hire you
you’re not really taking them out for
dinner you want something in return it’s
just a protracted transaction it’s not
relationship building it’s nonsense I
was walking down the streets of New York
true story and guy in front of me his
backpack opened a bunch of paper filled
spilled out on the on the street didn’t
think much of it I bent down gathered
the papers up handed them back to him
and pointed out that his bag it opened I
did a small act of generosity for
somebody I got a small burst of oxytocin
I felt good also the person on the
receiving end of the act of generosity
feels good they get a shot of oxytocin
he felt good he says thanks get to the
end of the block and I’m standing
waiting to cross the street and a guy
who’s also happens to be standing
waiting to cross the street turns around
true story turns around and says to me I
saw what you did back there that was
really cool
as it turns out witnessing acts of human
generosity release oxytocin remember our
bodies are trying to get us to repeat
behaviors that are in our best interest
and it’s making us feel good when we see
or do acts of human generosity so that
we will do them in fact the more
oxytocin you have in your body the more
generous you actually become you know is
the more you do the more you want to do
it gets better than that
lots of oxytocin in your body inhibits
addiction it makes it very difficult to
get addicted to something when you have
lots of oxytocin your body actually hits
addiction it boosts your immune system
it makes you healthier
that’s why happy people live longer it’s
why couples live longer
oxytocin it actually is good for us it
increases our ability to solve problems
it increases our creativity it’s really
good for us and it’s not addictive it
just feels great it takes time to build
up the you know if I went on a date with
a girl the other day there’s a first
date we totally got along great we’re
gonna get married why are you laughing
that’s my social life the reason you
laugh is because you inherently know
that I cannot form a bond of trust
strong enough to get married in seven
days you know that why don’t you go in a
couple more days but inherently you know
that right
but if I told you that I’ve been dating
somebody for seven years and we’re not
married yet what do you say
what’s wrong in other words we know that
that bond of trust takes more than seven
days in less than seven years don’t know
how long it takes them so when you start
a new job and you’re really excited to
work there and they’re really excited to
have you don’t quite feel like you
belong you don’t quite feel like you’re
trusted yet right even though you were
really excited they’re like it takes
time and you have to do little acts of
generosity and make little sacrifices do
little things for people not big risk
small risks it’s like dating you know
you don’t start by buying them a diamond
you start by taking them for lunch
buying them a drink you know little bits
then they take you out or they you take
them out again you do something a little
bigger then you do that in a movie then
they come over and then you buy them
flowers and then you say I love you and
one day you wake up in the morning it’s
like you press this belief button you
just I I’m in love I don’t know when it
happened just clicks and you feel like
you belong same thing at work same thing
at work it just clicks and you feel like
you belong because you got enough
oxytocin built up in your system we
don’t allow this to happen we’re too
busy sending emails we’re too busy
sending emails the next time you want to
tell somebody something email is
fantastic for the exchange of
information right it’s fantastic here’s
the report you wanted the meetings at
four o’clock fantastic what did you
think of my idea do not reply on an
email that’s an emotional question email
is a rational tool you get up from your
desk you walk the thirty feet and you
say wanted to tell you what I thought of
your idea and I promise you not only
will that information be better received
but you will start to create
relationship because oxytocin starts to
get released if you can’t get up and
walk thirty feet pick up the telephone
I’ve done it it’s an amazing thing you
pick up the phone you go hey they’re
like hey what’s the matter you’re like
no I’m just I’m just replying to your
wanted to tell you what I thought what
and people who tell me but I need a
paper trail have the conversation hang
up and say just to confirm what we
talked about boom there’s your paper
trail the reason we get so many emails
is because we reply to them all and
twelve emails are sent and then somebody
misunderstands something and somebody
gets angry and then you have to pick up
the phone and deal with it anyway – at
the beginning quicker easier better
biology give your time and give your
energy and this is why leadership is
really difficult because you can’t give
it to everyone because you don’t have
enough to give to everyone you just
can’t you have to make sure that you can
trust others to trust others to trust
others to trust others and this is what
happens in the circle of belonging in
the circle of safety this is what
effective bureaucracy is which is as the
CEO as the leader or whatever your job
is you have one responsibility and one
responsibility only which is to make
sure the people you know that you have
physical contact with you know their
names
our confident and feel looked after and
encourage them to do the same
for the big ones who work beneath them
who brew neat work beneath them who work
beneath them and when this group of
people really feel safe then they will
invite in the customer to also feel safe
they will talk to these people as if
they are human I actually flew in an
airline recently and I was I was
appalled at how I was treated it was
disgusting I was like cattle right and I
said something I said why do you treat
people like cattle and she literally
said to me I’m sorry sir I have to do it
or I’ll lose my job
what did she tell me my organization
that I work for it doesn’t make me feel
safe I don’t feel like Who I book like I
belong so I’m gonna treat you like dirt
to protect myself as opposed to somebody
who feel safest says sir I will do
everything in my power to make sure that
you feel happy and good because I’m not
worried that’s called a highly effective
organism
there’s one more chemical I haven’t told
you about the Big C cortisol cortisol is
the feeling of stress and the feeling of
anxiety we share these chemicals with
all the social mammals and so when you
see a herd of gizelle you vall seen the
documentary on discovery or whatever
right see a herd of gazelle grazing and
one of them thinks they hear a rustle in
the grass and they go head right
that’s what cortisol does cortisol is
designed to keep us alive it is the
first stage of fight-or-flight
it makes us paranoid it makes all of our
senses hyper attuned to look for danger
it injects glucose into our muscles to
make us stiff and ready to go in case we
need to fight or flight it increases our
heart rate like crazy right and it makes
us start looking it makes is paranoid to
find the danger and the cool thing about
cortisol when you work in a social
environment is if other people sense
that you’re nervous they get nervous so
all the other gazelle go they didn’t
hear anything they just saw Steve over
there it really freaked out and so they
got all freaked out and now they all
start looking for the danger good system
and one of them who didn’t even hear the
initial rustle in the grass sees the
lion runs they all run they all live
another day good system so that when we
go to work and somebody says I think
there’s gonna be layoffs all of us are
like what do you mean wait there’s gonna
be we’re all paranoid now we’re all free
I shouldn’t have talked in that meeting
we start to get crazy we start to get
paranoid our hearts start to race
it’s what cortisol does it’s trying to
keep us alive you wake up in the middle
of the night you hear a bump in the
middle of the night huh what’s the first
thing you do you wake the person next to
you and then what do they do they go and
if there’s nothing there you go and
trust your eyes right you go looking for
it we’re visual animals right if there’s
nothing there you go like this
cortisol leaves our body and we relax
and a heartbeat goes back down cortisol
to get all of that extra energy to make
us paranoid to make us self-interested
it needs to shut down non-essential
systems because it has to get it from
somewhere right so it shuts off things
like growth you don’t need your
fingernails to grow at that moment shuts
it off the other thing it shuts off is
our immune system don’t need it in that
moment the problem is you’re not
supposed to have cortisol in your system
all the time you’re supposed to have it
in and then gone and when we go to work
in a place that doesn’t make us feel
like we belong that doesn’t make us feel
safe when we’re at work guess what we
got little bits of cortisol dripping in
our body drip drip drip drip makes his
paranoid drip I know my boss hates me I
know he hates me I hate he hates all my
ideas I know it drip drip it makes it
self-interested one of the things
cortisol does it inhibits the release of
oxytocin biologically if you work in a
high-stress environment where you don’t
feel safe you were biologically less
empathetic and less generous we don’t
care about each other because we’re too
busy trying to protect ourselves drip
drip drip our immune systems are now
compromised drip drip drip we live in
the country with some of the best
medical education in the world some of
the best medical systems in the world
some of the best doctors in the world
some of the best hospitals in the world
some the best medicines in the world
please explain to me why diabetes is on
the rise heart disease is on the rise
some cancers are on the rise it ain’t
hot partially hydrogenated oils our jobs
are killing us and the people who
responsible are the leaders and we also
know that parents who come home stressed
out their kids learn that this is what
work is that work is something that
makes you short-tempered and and unhappy
and so they expect it as they grow older
worse we know that parents who come home
upset and angry it has such a negative
impact on their children that there’s
some studies that show that they might
actually become bullies because of their
unhappy parents who hate their jobs and
have excessive amounts of stress
our companies are literally killing us
so what are you gonna do about it what
are gonna do about it
leadership is not a ranked leadership is
not a position leadership is a decision
leadership is a choice it has nothing to
do with your position in the
organization if you decide to look after
the person to the left of you and look
after the person to the right of you you
have become a leader you’ve seen the
movie 300 right the Spartans the
greatest fighting force of all time you
want to know one of the things that made
the Spartans great wasn’t their muscles
wasn’t their spears it was their shields
they stood shield to shield and the
Phalanx was stronger because they all
those shields were big and they were
told when they were young children you
either bring your shield home or you
come home on your shield the punishment
for for losing your shield was
tremendous in battle because if you lost
your shield that means you cannot
protect the person to the left of you
and the person to the right of you and
you have destroyed the failings
it’s the shield that matters not the
spear not the spear
it’s your willingness to sacrifice
yourself not your life maybe your credit
maybe you’re a little time maybe a
little energy
maybe you’re tough you know maybe
getting up from your desk and talking to
somebody for 30 minutes instead of
sending a three-minute email
it’s your willingness to sacrifice for
someone to hold that shield up so that
they feel safe that makes you a leader
and you want to know how you beat a
dopamine addiction if you worried that
you’re addicted to performance and all
this dopamine things Alcoholics
Anonymous has been highly effective for
decades 80 something years we all know
the first step of the 12 steps we joke
about it right admit you have a problem
did you know the twelfth step don’t say
it’s supposed to be anonymous
I’ll tell you what the 12 step is
Alcoholics Anonymous knows that if you
master all 11 steps but not the twelfth
you will drink again if you master the
twelfth step you will beat the disease
what’s the twelfth step the twelfth step
is the commitment to help another
alcoholic service service to another
oxytocine wins sera Tosun won’t
serotonin wins the more we look after
each other
the safer we feel the more we feel like
we belong and the more we will work
together to confront the dangers outside
do this for others and others will
become Johnny Bravo
[Music]
you
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