flying over a valley in Afghanistan are
two a-10 warthogs an a-10 is a heavily
armoured low-flying slow aircraft
designed to provide ground cover for
troops on the ground and on this night
it’s a very very cloudy night the storms
in the area and these two planes hanging
up above just waiting in case anybody
down below needs help up there it’s
gorgeous
the moon is is bright the thousands of
stars in the sky the clouds look like
the snow had just fallen down below in
the valley however there were 22 Special
Forces Special Operations Forces troops
trying to make their way through the
country and they could feel that
something was wrong they could feel they
felt uneasy one of the pilots up above
callsign Johnny Bravo and yes he stands
like this he could feel their on ease
listening to him over the radio so he
decides he was gonna go down below the
cloud and just have a look he tells his
wingmen hang out up here I’ll go see
what there is and he points us plane
down into the clouds and as he’s going
through the clouds the call comes over
the radio troops in contact
troops in contact is what they say when
they come under effective fire it means
they’re in trouble
so now Johnny Bravo points his plane
straight down the planes getting
thrashed about in the turbulence and
when he comes out below the clouds he’s
less than a thousand feet off the ground
and he’s flying in a valley cliffs on
both sides now this is only 2002 and the
planes were not yet equipped with
ground-hugging radar and worse they were
using old Russian maps that’s all they
had at the time and the site that greets
him is something like he’s never seen
before not in training and not in the
movies he sees tracer fire fire coming
from all sides of the valley pointed
right in the middle where the American
forces are and so he picks the point and
starts to lay down suppressing fire and
he’s flying and he’s in danger of
hitting the
of course he knows his speed he knows
his distance from the map and he
literally counts out loud well he lays
down the suppressing fire one one
thousand two one thousand three one
thousand four one thousand five one
thousand pools hard on the stick pulls
back up into the cloud comes down around
again one one thousand two one thousand
three one thousand four one thousand
good hits good hits it says over his
radio and again he comes around one one
thousand two one thousand three one
thousand four one thousand five one
thousand he runs out of ammunition fuel
is fine flies back up to the top of the
cloud tells his wingman
you need to get down there his wingman
isn’t sure about the condition so the
two of them fly back down together his
wingman lays down the suppressing fire
and Johnny Bravo counts as they fly
three feet apart from each other wing to
wing one one thousand two one thousand
three one thousand four one thousand
five one thousand up and around again
one one thousand two one thousand three
one thousand four one thousand five one
thousand that night twenty two Americans
went home alive with zero casualties my
question is is where do people like
Johnny Bravo come from who are they who
would risk their lives for others so
that made they may survive I asked
Johnny Bravo I asked him why why would
you do it why would you risk your life
so that others may survive and he gave
me the same answer that everybody in his
position gives because they would have
done it for me now if you think about it
in the military they give medals to
people who are willing to sacrifice
themselves that others may gain in
business we give bonuses to people who
are willing to sacrifice others so that
we may gain we have it backwards
wouldn’t you like to work in an
organization in which you have the
absolute confidence the absolute
knowledge that other people that you may
or may not know who work in the same
organization as you would be willing to
sacrifice themselves so that you may
survive and in and we’re not talking
about giving your life I mean we don’t
even like to give up credit you know so
where do people like Johnny Bravo come
from well it’s an age-old question
they’re not born they’re actually made
if you look at the human animal the
human animal is like a machine there are
systems inside our bodies that are
trying to get us to do things that are
in the interests of the survival of the
human animal right
just like in an industry in the business
and a company if you want people to do
something you offer them some sort of
positive or negative incentive to direct
the behavior right so if you want people
to achieve a certain goal you offer them
a bonus if they achieve that goal and
they’ll work towards that goal because
they want the bonus it’s a very simple
system the human body works exactly the
same way it works exactly the same way
inside our bodies are chemicals that are
trying to get us to do things that are
in the best interest of us if you’ve
ever had a feeling of happiness pride
joy love fulfillment all of these
feelings that we have are chemically
produced feelings and they’re produced
by four chemicals predominantly these
are the basically responsible for all of
the feelings that I would generically
call happiness they are endorphins
dopamine serotonin and oxytocin ed so
these two chemicals endorphins and
dopamine I like to call these the
selfish chemicals but you don’t really
need anybody’s help to get them right
let me tell you let me tell you a little
bit about what they are endorphins
endorphins are designed to do one thing
and one thing only masks physical pain
that’s it that’s what they do if you if
you’re a runner if you’ve ever gone and
done a heavy exercise you’ve heard of an
endorphin rush or a runner’s high
basically what’s happening is when that
runners out there pushing their bodies
harder than they’ve ever pushed before
they feel good and when they’re done
with their run they feel fantastic
and then an hour later they’re in pain
for damage they cause their muscles an
hour before right this is what
endorphins are designed to do they’re
designed to mask physical pain
the caveman reason for this stuff
because this stuff is all from 50,000
years ago understand homo sapien existed
at the same time as other hominid
species and yet we survived and they
didn’t what is it about this species
that’s so good at survival and thriving
look at the world we’ve built it’s not
just that we’re smart we’re certainly
not the strongest and we’re certainly
not the smartest it’s that so we’re
social animals we have to do things
together together we have to look after
each other and we have to work together
to ensure that we survive that we do
well this is
were designed right these chemicals are
trying to make that happen
so in these caveman times 50,000 years
ago Paleolithic era we had to eat we’re
not the strongest we’re not the fastest
but there’s one thing that the human
animal is made for endurance we could
track an animal for hours and hours and
hours and miles and miles and miles and
if we were tired we’d keep going
and if we got injured or we had to bring
the food back to the cave we’d continue
to do it and it was so good it felt so
good that maybe we’d even volunteer to
go hunting the next day just like we get
addicted to exercise right oh my god it
was so much fun yesterday I will totally
go hunting tomorrow right good system
for the survival of the group good
system by the way the reason laughing
feels good is because of endorphins
you’re actually convulsing your internal
organs and endorphins are masking the
physical pain I’m sure everybody here
has laughed so much that the endorphins
eventually run out you go stop stop it
hurts endorphins they feel good dopamine
dopamine is the feeling that you found
something you’re looking for or do you
accomplish something you set out to
accomplish so you know that feeling you
get when you cross something off your
to-do list
that’s dopamine feels awesome you know
when you when you have a goal to hit and
you achieve that goal you’re like yes
you feel like you’ve won something right
that’s dopamine the whole purpose of
dopamine is to make sure that we get
stuff done right the the historical
reason for dopamine we would never eat
if we only waited to get until we got
hungry because there’s no guarantee that
we would find food so dopamine exists to
help us go looking for food we get
dopamine when we eat which is one of the
reasons we like eating and so when you
see something that reminds you of
something that feels good we want to do
the behavior that helps us get that
feeling right so let’s say you’re out
there going for a walk and you see an
apple tree in the distance you get a
small head of dopamine and then what it
does is it focuses us on our goals and
now we start walking towards the apple
tree and has the apple tree starts to
get a little bigger we feel like we’re
making progress you get another little
shot of dopamine and another little
shadow dopamine until you get to the
Train you’re like yes okay this is why
we’re told you must write down your
goals your goals must beat anja
there’s a there’s a biological reason
for that we were very very visually
oriented animals you have to be able to
see the goal for it to biologically stay
focused right if you don’t write down
your goals if you can’t see your goals
it’s very hard to get motivated to get
inspired for example think about
corporate visions right a corporate
vision does have to be something we can
see right that’s why it’s called a
vision you can see it right to be the
biggest most respected to be the
fastest-growing are not visions they’re
nothing right what does that even look
like respected by whom your mother
yourself your friends your shareholders
who knows what’s the metric dunno it’s
Amorphis doesn’t motivate us just like I
can’t tell you you will get a bonus if
you achieve more you’re gonna ask me how
much more I’m gonna say more doesn’t
work you need a tangible goal you need a
tangible goal right here’s a great
vision Martin Luther King I have a dream
that one day little black children and
little white children will play on the
playground together and hold hands
together we can imagine that we can set
our sights on that and every time we
achieve a goal and achieve a metric and
achieve a milestone that makes us feel
like we’re making progress to the vision
we can see we keep going and going and
going until we achieve something
remarkable you have to be able to see it
dopamine
like I said dopamine is the feeling you
get when you set out to find something
you’re looking for as well talked about
the to-do list I came home from a trip
just a couple days ago and I had a bunch
of errands to run and I wrote down a
little list of things I had to do and
off I went right and as I was walking
past I think was a drycleaners I
remember I was walking past something I
remembered who I have to do that and I
hadn’t written it down on my I hadn’t
written down on my to-do list so I went
in and I finished what I needed to do
and then when I came out I then wrote it
on my to-do list and then crossed it out
dopamine comes with a warning dopamine
is highly highly highly addictive here
are some other things that release
dopamine alcohol nicotine gambling your
cell phone
oh you think I’m joking okay we’ve all
been told that you know if you wake up
in the morning and you crave a drink you
might be an alcoholic well if you wake
up in the morning the first thing you do
is check your phone before you even get
out of bed might be an addict
if you walk from room to room in your
own apartment holding your telephone you
might be an addict when you’re driving
in your car and you get a text and your
phone goes beep we we hate email true we
love the beep the buzz the ding oh right
you’ll be there in 10 minutes and yet
you have to look at it right now you
might be an addict and even if you read
it and it says are you free for dinner
next Thursday and you have to reply
immediately you can’t wait to ten
minutes you might be an addict and for
all you Gen Y is out there who like to
think that you’re better at multitasking
beause you grew up with the technology
then why do you keep crashing your cars
when you’re texting
you’re not you’re not better at
multitasking you’re better at getting
distracted in fact if you look at the
statistics a DD and ADHD have diagnosis
of a DD and ADHD have risen 66% in the
past ten years okay a DD and ADHD is a
frontal lobe disorder right are you
telling me out of nowhere sixty-six
percent of our youth has the frontal
lobe problem where did that come from
no it’s a misdiagnosis right what what
are the what are the symptoms of a
dopamine addiction to technology
distractibility inability to get things
done easily easily distracted you know
shortness of attention it’s all the same
things so we misdiagnosed things it’s
this it’s the addictive quality of
dopamine we can also get addicted to
performance in our companies when all
they do is give us numbers to hit
numbers to hit numbers to hit and a
bonus you get and a bonus you get and a
bonus you get all they’re doing is
feeding us with dopamine and we can’t
help ourselves all we do is want more
more MORE it’s no surprise that the
bank’s destroyed the economy because one
of the things we know about dopamine
addict is they will do anything to get
another hit sometimes at the sacrifice
of their own resources and their
relationships ask any alcoholic gambling
addict or drug addict just ask them how
their relationships are doing and if
they’ve squandered any of their
resources it’s an addiction dopamine is
dangerous if it is unbalanced it is
hugely helpful when in a comfortable and
balanced system but when unbalanced it’s
dangerous and it’s destructive you don’t
need anybody’s help to get these go for
a run
achieve your goals you’ll get dopamine
you’ll get endorphins but you won’t have
any feeling of fulfillment or love or
trust that’s where these come in these
are attempting to manage these this is
what makes our society great this is
where people like Johnny Bravo come from
it’s because of these two chemicals that
leaders really fulfill their great
responsibilities outside in the world is
danger at all times for various reasons
in caveman times that danger may have
been you know a saber-toothed tiger it
may have been the weather it may have
been a lack of resources it may have
been who knows any number of things
things that with no conscience are
trying to kill you
they want to end your life and so how do
we survive we work together and together
we come together in our groups and our
companies and our tribes to feel like we
belong to be around people who believe
what we believe so that we may feel safe
when we’re surrounded by people who have
our best interests in mind and we feel
safe
we will organize ourselves and cooperate
to face the dangers externally
don’t forget the outside dangers are a
constant in a modern world the outside
dangers may be your competition that’s
trying to put you out of business or at
least steal your business it might be
the ebbs and flows of the economy it
might be terrorism all of these unknowns
all trying to put you out of business
take away your job take away your live
will even end it for you nothing
personal it’s a constant inside our
organisations the dangers we face are
not a constant they are a variable and
they are the decisions of leadership as
to how safe they make us feel when we go
to work this is the job of leaders ASA
said it better than I can there’s an
Aesop fable about four oxen that stand
tail to tail and whenever the lion tries
to eat them no matter what angle from
which he attacks he will always be met
with horns
however due to infighting and
disagreements they separate and they go
and graze in different parts of the
field and one by one the lion picks them
off and kills them all when we stand
together we can more easily face the
dangers outside when we break up inside
our companies if our leaders don’t allow
us a space to feel safe inside our own
companies to feel like we belong then we
have to we’re forced to exert our own
energy to protect ourselves from each
other and by the way expose ourselves to
greater danger from the outside if you
have to worry about politics if you have
to worry about someone stealing your
credit if you have to worry about your
boss not having your back think about
the energy you invest not in your
business not in the products you’re
trying to develop not in your work not
in how great you’re producing not in
your creativity but in just keeping
yourself feeling safe this is
destructive
the responsibility of leadership has two
things one to determine who gets in and
who doesn’t get in this is what it means
to start with why what are our values
what are our beliefs who can we allow in
second thing is to decide how big this
is how big do we make the circle of
safety how big do we make the circle of
belonging do we keep it around just our
c-level executives and call it an inner
circle and allow others to try and fend
for themselves and maybe if we try and
get into our inner circle or do we
extend it to the outermost edges of the
organization great leaders extend the
circle of safety the circle of belonging
out to the outermost edges so the most
junior person feels like they belong
feels safe feels like they have top
cover from somebody like Johnny Bravo
that’s what these other two chemicals
are trying to do serotonin is the
leadership chemical is the responsible
for feelings of pride and status when
you this is why public recognition is
very important we are social animals and
we need the recognition of others this
is why we have the Oscars and this is
why we have public awards events this is
why we have commencement for graduation
I mean think about it what does it
really take to get to graduate college
you need to pay your bills fulfill the
minimum requirements and and collect
enough credits that’s it right it’s a
formula you could get an email that says
congratulations you fulfilled all the
requirements for graduation and clothes
please print out the PDF of your diploma
PS magna laude right wouldn’t feel
so good right so instead we have a big
ceremony to recognize the accomplishment
and in the audience we put our family
and our friends and our teachers all of
those in our tribe who’ve supported us
and watched our backs as we’ve made it
through and then we show up on that day
and we go up on that stage and we take
our diploma it feels great
we feel our status rise we feel our
pride go up and by the way when you have
serotonin in your veins your confidence
goes up also and here’s the best part
about serotonin at the exact moment that
you took your diploma and you felt
surge of serotonin go through your body
at the exact moment your parents sitting
in the audience also got a surge of
serotonin and also felt an intense pride
watching you graduate and this is what
serotonin is trying to do it is trying
to reinforce the relationship between
parent and child boss and employee coach
and player the caregiver and the one who
is as Greta is grateful for the support
they are given and think about it but
listen to the speeches that we give if
you give an award to somebody what do
they say I couldn’t have done it I thank
God I thank my parents I thank my coach
we thank the person who we believed was
looking out for us we could not have
done this without them we say and they
look at us and they say it’s so proud of
you and we work to make them proud great
teams don’t want to win the trophy great
teams want a win one for the coach they
want to make the coach proud we want to
make our parents proud and it raises our
status and it raises our confidence and
it feels good and we in turn will look
after others so that they may accomplish
the same this is what serotonin is
trying desperately to do the problem is
you can trick serotonin we live in a
materialist society so we judge status
very often in our country based on how
much money you make right so any
conspicuous display of wealth raises
your status this is why they put the
logos on the outside no good on the
inside nobody can see them we want the
red line of ours our proud of glasses
how good you you own a pair of designer
shoes how good does it feel to put on
your Gucci shoes oh my god it feels so
good you walk out and you feel a million
bucks you can actually feel your
confidence rise when you put on you put
on the stuff right because it’s showing
this display of status it feels great
the problem is there was no real
relationship that was reinforced because
of it
you tricked the system that’s why we
keep trying to accomplish things and
accumulate more and more material goods
and yet we never feel successful because
there was no relationship we tricked it
we gained it serotonin is the leadership
chemical the reason I call it leadership
chemical is a historical reason a very
simple historical reason we had a very
practical problem as our animal
developing as the Homo Sapien was
developing we lived in communities of
about a hundred and a hundred and fifty
people and is very practical issue which
is if we’re hungry and somebody brings
back food and drop a carcass on the
floor we’re all gonna rush in to eat and
if you’re lucky enough to be built like
a linebacker
you will elbow your way to the front and
you get the elbow in the face not a good
system to keep the whole tribe alive and
definitely not a good system for
cooperation because remember the value
of group living means that if I trust
you and you trust me I can fall asleep
at night and trust that you will alert
me to danger if I don’t trust you I
can’t go to sleep at night it’s the same
in our companies if we trust each other
we will turn our backs we will take
risks we will innovate we will do things
that will change the course of our world
if I don’t trust you I can’t do that I
can’t do that there’s value in group
living and group working and so if you
got an elbow in the face that afternoon
odds are very high that you’re not gonna
wake the guy who punched you if dangers
there you’re just not gonna do it bad
system and so we evolved into
hierarchical animals we’re constantly
assessing and judging each other
constantly arranging ourselves who’s the
Alpha who’s the dominant who’s the one
who sort of is the is that is the more
dominant personality or dominant talent
in the room in caveman times that might
have been physical muscle in the
creative industry it might be talent in
you know the military might be courage
there’s no standard by which we judge
alphas it’s relative to the industries
were in and it’s relative to us as well
if you’ve ever met someone and you were
nervous while you were meeting them
you’re not the Alpha we’ve all had the
experience where we’re meeting somebody
and we can sense that they’re nervous
meeting us you’re the Alpha I’ll tell
you a little aside that’s kind of funny
you know when women all live together
their menstrual cycles align right
assuming they’re not on the pill then it
doesn’t work right but if they’re not on
the pill that all the dimensional cycles
go together on the same schedule it’s
not arbitrary
they always align with the alpha females
schedule and the reason is
because when a woman is in her menstrual
cycle she can’t bear children and so in
evolutionary terms you want the alpha
male the alpha female too to do it so
you can have alpha children right nice
strong strapping kids are gonna survive
but if she’s off the market that
produces competition so mother nature
has in created a very clever way that
when she’s off the market everyone’s off
the market back to the talk so we’re
constantly judging and assessing each
other whose alpha right and what we do
is when we assess that someone else is
the alpha we voluntarily take a step
back and allow them to eat first alphas
get first choice of meat and first
choice of mate good system good system
the Alpha gets deep first the rest of us
may not get the best cut of meat but we
will get to eat eventually and we won’t
get an elbow in the face good system
will happily alert them to danger later
good system this is why we’re constantly
trying to raise our status is because
there are benefits to being the alpha
people will do things for us and step
back and offer us favors right we’re and
we to this day we’re perfectly
comfortable giving special treatment to
our alphas no one has a problem that
your boss makes more money than you you
might think he’s an ass but you don’t
have a problem that he makes more money
nobody has a problem that somebody
outranked who outranks us at work has a
bigger office than us doesn’t offend us
it is deeply ingrained in us we happily
step aside and allow our alphas first
choice of meat and first choice of mate
it’s good to be the king there are
advantages that come with being the
alpha you get special treatment you get
to eat first
people show you love and respect it
boosts the serotonin you walk around
like this it boosts your confidence it’s
awesome but it comes at a cost you see
the group is not stupid
we’re not giving all of that stuff away
for free leadership alpha comes at a
cost
you see we expect that when danger
threatens us from the outside that the
person who’s actually stronger the
person who’s better fed and the person
who is actually taming
with serotonin and actually has higher
confidence of the rest of us we expect
them to run towards the danger to
protect us this is what it means to be a
leader the cost of leadership is
self-interest if you’re not willing to
give up your perks when it matters then
you probably shouldn’t get promoted you
might be an authority but you will not
be a leader leadership comes at a cost
you don’t get to do less work when you
get more senior you have to do more work
and the more work you have to do is put
yourself at risk to look after others
that is the anthropological definition
of what a leader is this is why we’re so
offended by these banker boys who pay
themselves astronomical salaries it has
nothing to do with the number it has to
do with the fact that they have violated
a deep-seated social contract we know
that they made all of that money and
allowed their people to be sacrificed in
fact they may have sacrificed their
people for the money if I told you we’re
gonna give a hundred and fifty million
dollars to Nelson Mandela but anyone
have a problem with that
nope two hundred and fifty million
dollars to mother Teresa I’ve got an
issue with it no it’s not the number
it’s not the amount of money they make
it’s that we are deeply and viscerally
offended that we know that we allowed
them to have this alpha position and
they did not fulfill their
responsibilities of the Alpha they’re
supposed to sacrifice themselves for us
never sacrifice us for themselves this
is why we’re angry and offended and
don’t trust them they fail oh there’s
[Music]
oxytocin this is the best chemical at
all oxytocin is the feeling of love and
trust and friendship it’s all the warm
and fuzzies it’s all the unicorns and
rainbows it’s the reason we like to
spend time with our friends even if we
don’t do anything with them we just
simply watch TV we love their company I
promise you nearly every single person
sitting in this room today chose the
person there sitting next to you’re not
sitting next to a stranger you’re
sitting next to somebody you met came
with or or kind of know a little bit why
because it makes you feel safer doesn’t
it if you got up and went and sat next
to strangers wouldn’t feel so good
that’s the feeling of oxytocin oxytocin
is that intense feeling of safety that
someone’s got your back there are
multiple ways you can get oxytocin one
way to get it is physical contact
hugging feels wonderful right this when
women give birth to children huge surge
of oxytocin in their body this is what’s
responsible for the mother parent the
mother-child bond right it’s all that
oxytocin in the system this is why
shaking hands matters
imagine you’re doing the deal with
someone and you’re ready to sign the
contract and you say I’m so excited to
do business with you and they go I don’t
need to shake let’s sign the contract
I’m also excited to do business with you
you go great well let’s shake on it then
they go no no I agree to all the terms
let’s get this deal done I can’t wait to
work with you there you might get
everything you want in the contract but
business relationships are not rational
they’re about feeling safe they’re about
feeling we belong it’s human and one of
the ways we want to know that that
relationship is solidified is with
physical touch they’re simple refusal to
touch you to exchange that oxytocin
means one of two things will happen
you will either completely scuttle the
deal or you will go into it nervous
human bonds matter another way you can
get oxytocin is through acts of human
generosity an act of human generosity is
defined as giving of your time and
energy and X
affecting nothing in return money
doesn’t work sorry if I told you that
this morning I gave $1,000 to charity
what would you think of me you’d be like
good for you
what do you want a medal but if I told
you that last Saturday I gave up my day
and I went and painted schools in the
inner city then what would you think
you’d be like nice cool I should do more
right
the the value of my labour much less
than a thousand dollars could have hired
many more people for a thousand dollars
to go paint schools in the inner city
but you see as human beings we put a
premium on time because it is an equal
commodity and it is a non redeemable
commodity you spend money you make money
you spend time you’ll never get it back
some of you are sitting in this room
right now saying I will never get this
time back I got nothing for you so we
put a premium on people who give us
their time and energy a leader who says
to you I’ll pay for something for you is
not a leader a leader comes and sits
down next to you and says how can I help
you is a leader I was talking to some
oil executives and they were trying to
convince me that they really care about
how fulfilled and how happy their
employees are at work to which I said no
you don’t and they said no we do and I
said no you know and they said yeah we
do you see how this win and I said I bet
you hired some high-priced consultancy
to come into a web survey about whether
people like their jobs or not and they
said well we didn’t hire a consultancy I
said okay so it’s kind of like sending
your son an email right dear son your
mother and I care that you feel like a
valuable part of this family
please tell us candidly what we can do
better so that you feel like you belong
here because we really love you love dad
or you go into his room you sit on his
bed and you say hey son your mom and I
really care that you feel like a
valuable member of this family
please tell us candidly what we can do
better because we want you to feel like
you belong and we really love you same
words same intention same desire the
difference is one you gave time and
energy and the other one you didn’t this
is the problem with email it’s too easy
it’s too easy
there’s no time and energy expended it’s
too easy don’t feel anything if I come
to your house for dinner you make me a
lovely dinner the next day I send you a
very nice thank-you email what a
wonderful host you are or three days
later you receive a handwritten note
from me with the exact same words that
were written in the email which one
makes you feel better and written note
the sentiment was the same the words
were the same the difference is one took
a little more time and a little more
energy
leaders are the ones who give us their
time and give us their energy not the
ones who give us their money it doesn’t
count doesn’t work just biologically
doesn’t work this is how you get
oxytocin doing nice things for people
that require that you sacrifice a little
bit of time a little bit of energy
something you will never get back and if
you expect something in return then you
weren’t really giving in the first place
you take someone out for dinner because
you want them to hire you you’re not
really taking that for dinner you want
something in return it’s just a
protracted transaction it’s not
relationship building it’s nonsense I
was walking down the streets of New York
true story and guy in front of me his
backpack open a bunch of paper filled
spilled out on the on the street didn’t
think much of it I bent down gathered
the papers up handed them back to him
and pointed out that his bag it opened I
did a small act of generosity for
somebody I got a small burst of oxytocin
I felt good also the person on the
receiving end of the act of generosity
feels good they get a shot of oxytocin
he felt good he says thanks I get to the
end of the block and I’m standing
waiting to cross the street and a guy
who’s also happens to be standing
waiting to cross the street turns around
true story turns around and says to me I
saw what you did back there that was
really cool as it turns out witnessing
act of human generosity release oxytocin
remember our bodies are trying to get us
to repeat behaviors that are in our best
interest and it’s making us feel good
when we see or do acts of human
generosity so that we will do them in
fact the more oxytocin you have in your
body the more generous you actually
become you know is the more you do the
more you want to do it gets better than
that
lots of oxytocin in your body inhibits
addiction it makes it very difficult to
get addicted to something when you have
lots of oxytocin your body actually hits
addiction it boosts your immune system
it makes you healthier
that’s why happy people live longer it’s
why couples live longer
oxytocin it actually is good for us it
increases our ability to solve problems
it increases our creativity it’s really
good for us and it’s not addictive it
just
feels great it takes time to build up
though you know if I went on a date with
a girl the other day there’s a first
date we totally got along great we’re
gonna get married
why are you laughing that’s my social
life the reason you laugh is because you
inherently know that I cannot form a
bond of trust strong enough to get
married in seven days you know that why
don’t you go on a couple more days but
inherently you know that right but if I
told you that I’ve been dating somebody
for seven years and we’re not married
yet what do you say what’s wrong in
other words we know that that bond of
trust takes more than seven days in less
than seven years don’t know how long it
takes them so when you start a new job
and you’re really excited to work there
and they’re really excited to have you
don’t quite feel like you belong you
don’t quite feel like you’re trusted yet
right even though you were really
excited in their release it takes time
and you have to do little acts of
generosity and make little sacrifices do
little things for people not big risk
small risks it’s like dating you know
you don’t start by buying them a diamond
you start by taking them for lunch
buying them a drink you know little bits
then they take you out or they you take
them out again you do something a little
bigger then you do that in a movie then
they come over and then you buy them
flowers and then you say I love you and
one day you wake up in the morning it’s
like you press this belief button you
just I I’m in love I don’t know when it
happened you just clicks and you feel
like you belong same thing at work same
thing at work it just clicks and you
feel like you belong because you got
enough oxytocin built up in your system
we don’t allow this to happen we’re too
busy sending emails we’re too busy
sending emails the next time you want to
tell somebody something email is
fantastic for the exchange of
information right it’s fantastic here’s
the report you wanted the meetings at
four o’clock fantastic what did you
think of my idea do not reply on an
email that’s an emotional question email
is a rational tool you get up from your
desk you walk the 30 feet and you say
wanted to tell you what I thought of
your idea and I promise you not only
will that information be better received
but you will start to create
relationship because oxytocin starts to
get released if you can’t get up and
walk 30 feet pick up the telephone I’ve
done it it’s an amazing thing you pick
up the phone you go
hey they’re like hey what’s the matter
you’re like no I’m just I’m just
replying to your email wanted to tell
you what I thought what and people who
tell me but I need a paper trail have
the conversation hang up and say just to
confirm what we talked about boom
there’s your paper trail the reason we
get so many emails is because we reply
to them all and twelve emails are sent
and then somebody misunderstands
something and somebody gets angry and
then you have to pick up the phone and
deal with it anyway – at the beginning
quicker easier better biology give your
time and give your energy and this is
why leadership is really difficult
because you can’t give it to everyone
because you don’t have enough to give to
everyone you just can’t you have to make
sure that you can trust others to trust
others to trust others to trust others
and this is what happens in the circle
of belonging in the circle of safety
this is what effective bureaucracy is
which is as the CEO as the leader or
whatever your job is you have one
responsibility and one responsibility
only which is to make sure the people
you know that you have physical contact
with you know their names
our confident and feel looked after and
encouraged them to do the same for the
big ones who work beneath them hoo boo
neat work beneath them who work beneath
them and when this group of people
really feel safe then they will invite
in the customer to also feel safe they
will talk to these people as if they are
human I actually flew in an airline
recently and I was I was appalled at how
I was treated it was disgusting it was
like cattle right and I said something I
said why do you treat people like cattle
and she literally said to me I’m sorry
sir I have to do it or I’ll lose my job
what did she tell me my organization
that I work for it doesn’t make me feel
safe I don’t feel like I look like I
belong so I’m gonna treat you like dirt
to protect myself as opposed to somebody
who feels safest says sir I will do
everything in my power to make sure that
you feel happy and good because I’m not
worried that’s called a highly effective
organization there’s one more chemical I
haven’t told you about
the Big C cortisol cortisol is the
feeling of stress and the feeling of
anxiety we share these chemicals with
all the social mammals and so when you
see a herd of gizelle you vall seen the
documentary on discovery or whatever
right and see a herd of gazelle grazing
and one of them thinks they hear a
rustle in the grass and they go head
right
that’s what cortisol does cortisol is
designed to keep us alive it is the
first stage of fight-or-flight
it makes us paranoid it makes all of our
senses hyper attuned to look for danger
it injects glucose into our muscles to
make a stiff and ready to go in case we
need to fight or flight it increases our
heart rate like crazy right and it makes
us start looking it makes us paranoid to
find the danger and the cool thing about
cortisol when you work in a social
environment is if other people sense
that you’re nervous they get nervous so
all the other gazelle go they didn’t
hear anything they just saw Steve over
there it really freaked out and so they
got all freaked out and now they all
start looking for the danger good system
and one of them who didn’t even hear the
initial rustle in the grass sees the
line runs they all run they all live
another day good system so that when we
go to work and somebody says I think
there’s gonna be layoffs all of us are
like what do you mean wait there’s gonna
be we’re all paranoid now we’re all free
I shouldn’t have talked in that meeting
ah we start to get crazy we start to get
paranoid our hearts start to race that’s
what cortisol does it’s trying to keep
us alive you wake up in the middle of
the night you hear a bump in the middle
of the night huh what’s the first thing
you do you wake the person next to you
and then what do they do they go and if
there’s nothing there you go and trust
your eyes right you go looking for it
we’re visual animals right if there’s
cortisol leaves our body and we relax
and a heart rate goes back down cortisol
to get all of that extra energy to make
us paranoid to make us self interested
it needs to shut down non-essential
systems because it has to get it from
somewhere right so it shuts off things
like growth you don’t need your
fingernails to grow at that moment shuts
it off the other thing it shuts off is
our immune system don’t need it in that
moment the problem is you’re not
supposed to have cortisol in your system
all the time you’re supposed to have it
in and then gone and when we go to work
in a place that doesn’t make us feel
like we belong that doesn’t make us feel
safe when we’re at work guess what we
got little bits of cortisol dripping in
our body drip drip drip drip makes his
paranoid drip I know my boss hates me I
know he hates me I hate he hates all my
ideas I know it
drip drip it makes it self-interested
one of the things cortisol does it
inhibits the release of oxytocin
biologically if you work in a
high-stress environment where you don’t
feel safe you were biologically less
empathetic and less generous we don’t
care about each other because we’re too
busy trying to protect ourselves drip
drip drip our immune systems are now
compromised drip drip drip we live in
the country with some of the best
medical education in the world some of
the best medical systems in the world
some of the best doctors in the world
some of the best hospitals in the world
some the best medicines in the world
please explain to me why diabetes is on
the rise
heart disease is on the rise some
cancers are on the rise it ain’t hot
partially hydrogenated oils our jobs are
killing us and the people who
responsible are the leaders and we also
know that parents who come home stressed
out their kids learn that this is what
work is that work is something that
makes you short-tempered and and and
unhappy and so they expect it as they
grow older worse we know that parents
who come home upset and angry it has
such a negative impact on their children
that there’s some studies that show that
they might actually become bullies
because of their unhappy parents who
hate their jobs and have excessive
amounts of stress our companies are
literally killing us so what are you
gonna do about it what are you gonna do
about it
leadership is not a ranked leadership is
not a position leadership is a decision
leadership is a choice it has nothing to
do with your position in the
organization if you decide to look after
the person to the left of you and look
after the person to the right of you you
have become a leader you’ve seen the
movie 300 right the Spartans the
greatest fighting force of all time you
want to know one of the things that made
the Spartans great wasn’t their muscles
wasn’t their spears it was their shields
they stood shield to shield and the
Phalanx was stronger because they all
those shields were big and they were
told when they were young children you
either bring your shield home where you
come home on your shield
the punishment for for losing your
shield was tremendous in battle because
if you lost your shield that means you
cannot protect the person to the left of
you and the person to the right of you
and you have destroyed the Phalanx it’s
the shield that matters not the spear
not the spear
it’s your willingness to sacrifice
yourself not your life maybe your credit
maybe you’re a little time maybe a
little energy maybe you’re tough you
know maybe getting up from your desk and
talk to somebody for thirty minutes
instead of sending a three-minute email
it’s your willingness to sacrifice for
someone to hold that shield up so that
they feel safe that makes you a leader
and you want to know how you beat a
dopamine addiction if you’re worried
that you’re addicted to performance and
all this dopamine things Alcoholics
Anonymous has been highly effective for
decades 80 something years we all know
the first step of the 12 steps we joke
about it right admit you have a problem
did you know the twelfth step don’t say
I’ll tell you what the 12 step is
Alcoholics Anonymous knows that if you
master all 11 steps but not the twelfth
you will drink again if you master the
twelfth step you will beat the disease
what’s the twelfth step the twelfth step
is the commitment to help another
alcoholic service service to another
oxytocine wins sera Tosun went serotonin
wins the more we look after each other
the safer we feel the more we feel like
we belong and the more we will work
together to confront the dangers outside
do this for others and others will become Johnny Bravo
two a-10 warthogs an a-10 is a heavily
armoured low-flying slow aircraft
designed to provide ground cover for
troops on the ground and on this night
it’s a very very cloudy night the storms
in the area and these two planes hanging
up above just waiting in case anybody
down below needs help up there it’s
gorgeous
the moon is is bright the thousands of
stars in the sky the clouds look like
the snow had just fallen down below in
the valley however there were 22 Special
Forces Special Operations Forces troops
trying to make their way through the
country and they could feel that
something was wrong they could feel they
felt uneasy one of the pilots up above
callsign Johnny Bravo and yes he stands
like this he could feel their on ease
listening to him over the radio so he
decides he was gonna go down below the
cloud and just have a look he tells his
wingmen hang out up here I’ll go see
what there is and he points us plane
down into the clouds and as he’s going
through the clouds the call comes over
the radio troops in contact
troops in contact is what they say when
they come under effective fire it means
they’re in trouble
so now Johnny Bravo points his plane
straight down the planes getting
thrashed about in the turbulence and
when he comes out below the clouds he’s
less than a thousand feet off the ground
and he’s flying in a valley cliffs on
both sides now this is only 2002 and the
planes were not yet equipped with
ground-hugging radar and worse they were
using old Russian maps that’s all they
had at the time and the site that greets
him is something like he’s never seen
before not in training and not in the
movies he sees tracer fire fire coming
from all sides of the valley pointed
right in the middle where the American
forces are and so he picks the point and
starts to lay down suppressing fire and
he’s flying and he’s in danger of
hitting the
of course he knows his speed he knows
his distance from the map and he
literally counts out loud well he lays
down the suppressing fire one one
thousand two one thousand three one
thousand four one thousand five one
thousand pools hard on the stick pulls
back up into the cloud comes down around
again one one thousand two one thousand
three one thousand four one thousand
good hits good hits it says over his
radio and again he comes around one one
thousand two one thousand three one
thousand four one thousand five one
thousand he runs out of ammunition fuel
is fine flies back up to the top of the
cloud tells his wingman
you need to get down there his wingman
isn’t sure about the condition so the
two of them fly back down together his
wingman lays down the suppressing fire
and Johnny Bravo counts as they fly
three feet apart from each other wing to
wing one one thousand two one thousand
three one thousand four one thousand
five one thousand up and around again
one one thousand two one thousand three
one thousand four one thousand five one
thousand that night twenty two Americans
went home alive with zero casualties my
question is is where do people like
Johnny Bravo come from who are they who
would risk their lives for others so
that made they may survive I asked
Johnny Bravo I asked him why why would
you do it why would you risk your life
so that others may survive and he gave
me the same answer that everybody in his
position gives because they would have
done it for me now if you think about it
in the military they give medals to
people who are willing to sacrifice
themselves that others may gain in
business we give bonuses to people who
are willing to sacrifice others so that
we may gain we have it backwards
wouldn’t you like to work in an
organization in which you have the
absolute confidence the absolute
knowledge that other people that you may
or may not know who work in the same
organization as you would be willing to
sacrifice themselves so that you may
survive and in and we’re not talking
about giving your life I mean we don’t
even like to give up credit you know so
where do people like Johnny Bravo come
from well it’s an age-old question
they’re not born they’re actually made
if you look at the human animal the
human animal is like a machine there are
systems inside our bodies that are
trying to get us to do things that are
in the interests of the survival of the
human animal right
just like in an industry in the business
and a company if you want people to do
something you offer them some sort of
positive or negative incentive to direct
the behavior right so if you want people
to achieve a certain goal you offer them
a bonus if they achieve that goal and
they’ll work towards that goal because
they want the bonus it’s a very simple
system the human body works exactly the
same way it works exactly the same way
inside our bodies are chemicals that are
trying to get us to do things that are
in the best interest of us if you’ve
ever had a feeling of happiness pride
joy love fulfillment all of these
feelings that we have are chemically
produced feelings and they’re produced
by four chemicals predominantly these
are the basically responsible for all of
the feelings that I would generically
call happiness they are endorphins
dopamine serotonin and oxytocin ed so
these two chemicals endorphins and
dopamine I like to call these the
selfish chemicals but you don’t really
need anybody’s help to get them right
let me tell you let me tell you a little
bit about what they are endorphins
endorphins are designed to do one thing
and one thing only masks physical pain
that’s it that’s what they do if you if
you’re a runner if you’ve ever gone and
done a heavy exercise you’ve heard of an
endorphin rush or a runner’s high
basically what’s happening is when that
runners out there pushing their bodies
harder than they’ve ever pushed before
they feel good and when they’re done
with their run they feel fantastic
and then an hour later they’re in pain
for damage they cause their muscles an
hour before right this is what
endorphins are designed to do they’re
designed to mask physical pain
the caveman reason for this stuff
because this stuff is all from 50,000
years ago understand homo sapien existed
at the same time as other hominid
species and yet we survived and they
didn’t what is it about this species
that’s so good at survival and thriving
look at the world we’ve built it’s not
just that we’re smart we’re certainly
not the strongest and we’re certainly
not the smartest it’s that so we’re
social animals we have to do things
together together we have to look after
each other and we have to work together
to ensure that we survive that we do
well this is
were designed right these chemicals are
trying to make that happen
so in these caveman times 50,000 years
ago Paleolithic era we had to eat we’re
not the strongest we’re not the fastest
but there’s one thing that the human
animal is made for endurance we could
track an animal for hours and hours and
hours and miles and miles and miles and
if we were tired we’d keep going
and if we got injured or we had to bring
the food back to the cave we’d continue
to do it and it was so good it felt so
good that maybe we’d even volunteer to
go hunting the next day just like we get
addicted to exercise right oh my god it
was so much fun yesterday I will totally
go hunting tomorrow right good system
for the survival of the group good
system by the way the reason laughing
feels good is because of endorphins
you’re actually convulsing your internal
organs and endorphins are masking the
physical pain I’m sure everybody here
has laughed so much that the endorphins
eventually run out you go stop stop it
hurts endorphins they feel good dopamine
dopamine is the feeling that you found
something you’re looking for or do you
accomplish something you set out to
accomplish so you know that feeling you
get when you cross something off your
to-do list
that’s dopamine feels awesome you know
when you when you have a goal to hit and
you achieve that goal you’re like yes
you feel like you’ve won something right
that’s dopamine the whole purpose of
dopamine is to make sure that we get
stuff done right the the historical
reason for dopamine we would never eat
if we only waited to get until we got
hungry because there’s no guarantee that
we would find food so dopamine exists to
help us go looking for food we get
dopamine when we eat which is one of the
reasons we like eating and so when you
see something that reminds you of
something that feels good we want to do
the behavior that helps us get that
feeling right so let’s say you’re out
there going for a walk and you see an
apple tree in the distance you get a
small head of dopamine and then what it
does is it focuses us on our goals and
now we start walking towards the apple
tree and has the apple tree starts to
get a little bigger we feel like we’re
making progress you get another little
shot of dopamine and another little
shadow dopamine until you get to the
Train you’re like yes okay this is why
we’re told you must write down your
goals your goals must beat anja
there’s a there’s a biological reason
for that we were very very visually
oriented animals you have to be able to
see the goal for it to biologically stay
focused right if you don’t write down
your goals if you can’t see your goals
it’s very hard to get motivated to get
inspired for example think about
corporate visions right a corporate
vision does have to be something we can
see right that’s why it’s called a
vision you can see it right to be the
biggest most respected to be the
fastest-growing are not visions they’re
nothing right what does that even look
like respected by whom your mother
yourself your friends your shareholders
who knows what’s the metric dunno it’s
Amorphis doesn’t motivate us just like I
can’t tell you you will get a bonus if
you achieve more you’re gonna ask me how
much more I’m gonna say more doesn’t
work you need a tangible goal you need a
tangible goal right here’s a great
vision Martin Luther King I have a dream
that one day little black children and
little white children will play on the
playground together and hold hands
together we can imagine that we can set
our sights on that and every time we
achieve a goal and achieve a metric and
achieve a milestone that makes us feel
like we’re making progress to the vision
we can see we keep going and going and
going until we achieve something
remarkable you have to be able to see it
dopamine
like I said dopamine is the feeling you
get when you set out to find something
you’re looking for as well talked about
the to-do list I came home from a trip
just a couple days ago and I had a bunch
of errands to run and I wrote down a
little list of things I had to do and
off I went right and as I was walking
past I think was a drycleaners I
remember I was walking past something I
remembered who I have to do that and I
hadn’t written it down on my I hadn’t
written down on my to-do list so I went
in and I finished what I needed to do
and then when I came out I then wrote it
on my to-do list and then crossed it out
dopamine comes with a warning dopamine
is highly highly highly addictive here
are some other things that release
dopamine alcohol nicotine gambling your
cell phone
oh you think I’m joking okay we’ve all
been told that you know if you wake up
in the morning and you crave a drink you
might be an alcoholic well if you wake
up in the morning the first thing you do
is check your phone before you even get
out of bed might be an addict
if you walk from room to room in your
own apartment holding your telephone you
might be an addict when you’re driving
in your car and you get a text and your
phone goes beep we we hate email true we
love the beep the buzz the ding oh right
you’ll be there in 10 minutes and yet
you have to look at it right now you
might be an addict and even if you read
it and it says are you free for dinner
next Thursday and you have to reply
immediately you can’t wait to ten
minutes you might be an addict and for
all you Gen Y is out there who like to
think that you’re better at multitasking
beause you grew up with the technology
then why do you keep crashing your cars
when you’re texting
you’re not you’re not better at
multitasking you’re better at getting
distracted in fact if you look at the
statistics a DD and ADHD have diagnosis
of a DD and ADHD have risen 66% in the
past ten years okay a DD and ADHD is a
frontal lobe disorder right are you
telling me out of nowhere sixty-six
percent of our youth has the frontal
lobe problem where did that come from
no it’s a misdiagnosis right what what
are the what are the symptoms of a
dopamine addiction to technology
distractibility inability to get things
done easily easily distracted you know
shortness of attention it’s all the same
things so we misdiagnosed things it’s
this it’s the addictive quality of
dopamine we can also get addicted to
performance in our companies when all
they do is give us numbers to hit
numbers to hit numbers to hit and a
bonus you get and a bonus you get and a
bonus you get all they’re doing is
feeding us with dopamine and we can’t
help ourselves all we do is want more
more MORE it’s no surprise that the
bank’s destroyed the economy because one
of the things we know about dopamine
addict is they will do anything to get
another hit sometimes at the sacrifice
of their own resources and their
relationships ask any alcoholic gambling
addict or drug addict just ask them how
their relationships are doing and if
they’ve squandered any of their
resources it’s an addiction dopamine is
dangerous if it is unbalanced it is
hugely helpful when in a comfortable and
balanced system but when unbalanced it’s
dangerous and it’s destructive you don’t
need anybody’s help to get these go for
a run
achieve your goals you’ll get dopamine
you’ll get endorphins but you won’t have
any feeling of fulfillment or love or
trust that’s where these come in these
are attempting to manage these this is
what makes our society great this is
where people like Johnny Bravo come from
it’s because of these two chemicals that
leaders really fulfill their great
responsibilities outside in the world is
danger at all times for various reasons
in caveman times that danger may have
been you know a saber-toothed tiger it
may have been the weather it may have
been a lack of resources it may have
been who knows any number of things
things that with no conscience are
trying to kill you
they want to end your life and so how do
we survive we work together and together
we come together in our groups and our
companies and our tribes to feel like we
belong to be around people who believe
what we believe so that we may feel safe
when we’re surrounded by people who have
our best interests in mind and we feel
safe
we will organize ourselves and cooperate
to face the dangers externally
don’t forget the outside dangers are a
constant in a modern world the outside
dangers may be your competition that’s
trying to put you out of business or at
least steal your business it might be
the ebbs and flows of the economy it
might be terrorism all of these unknowns
all trying to put you out of business
take away your job take away your live
will even end it for you nothing
personal it’s a constant inside our
organisations the dangers we face are
not a constant they are a variable and
they are the decisions of leadership as
to how safe they make us feel when we go
to work this is the job of leaders ASA
said it better than I can there’s an
Aesop fable about four oxen that stand
tail to tail and whenever the lion tries
to eat them no matter what angle from
which he attacks he will always be met
with horns
however due to infighting and
disagreements they separate and they go
and graze in different parts of the
field and one by one the lion picks them
off and kills them all when we stand
together we can more easily face the
dangers outside when we break up inside
our companies if our leaders don’t allow
us a space to feel safe inside our own
companies to feel like we belong then we
have to we’re forced to exert our own
energy to protect ourselves from each
other and by the way expose ourselves to
greater danger from the outside if you
have to worry about politics if you have
to worry about someone stealing your
credit if you have to worry about your
boss not having your back think about
the energy you invest not in your
business not in the products you’re
trying to develop not in your work not
in how great you’re producing not in
your creativity but in just keeping
yourself feeling safe this is
destructive
the responsibility of leadership has two
things one to determine who gets in and
who doesn’t get in this is what it means
to start with why what are our values
what are our beliefs who can we allow in
second thing is to decide how big this
is how big do we make the circle of
safety how big do we make the circle of
belonging do we keep it around just our
c-level executives and call it an inner
circle and allow others to try and fend
for themselves and maybe if we try and
get into our inner circle or do we
extend it to the outermost edges of the
organization great leaders extend the
circle of safety the circle of belonging
out to the outermost edges so the most
junior person feels like they belong
feels safe feels like they have top
cover from somebody like Johnny Bravo
that’s what these other two chemicals
are trying to do serotonin is the
leadership chemical is the responsible
for feelings of pride and status when
you this is why public recognition is
very important we are social animals and
we need the recognition of others this
is why we have the Oscars and this is
why we have public awards events this is
why we have commencement for graduation
I mean think about it what does it
really take to get to graduate college
you need to pay your bills fulfill the
minimum requirements and and collect
enough credits that’s it right it’s a
formula you could get an email that says
congratulations you fulfilled all the
requirements for graduation and clothes
please print out the PDF of your diploma
PS magna laude right wouldn’t feel
so good right so instead we have a big
ceremony to recognize the accomplishment
and in the audience we put our family
and our friends and our teachers all of
those in our tribe who’ve supported us
and watched our backs as we’ve made it
through and then we show up on that day
and we go up on that stage and we take
our diploma it feels great
we feel our status rise we feel our
pride go up and by the way when you have
serotonin in your veins your confidence
goes up also and here’s the best part
about serotonin at the exact moment that
you took your diploma and you felt
surge of serotonin go through your body
at the exact moment your parents sitting
in the audience also got a surge of
serotonin and also felt an intense pride
watching you graduate and this is what
serotonin is trying to do it is trying
to reinforce the relationship between
parent and child boss and employee coach
and player the caregiver and the one who
is as Greta is grateful for the support
they are given and think about it but
listen to the speeches that we give if
you give an award to somebody what do
they say I couldn’t have done it I thank
God I thank my parents I thank my coach
we thank the person who we believed was
looking out for us we could not have
done this without them we say and they
look at us and they say it’s so proud of
you and we work to make them proud great
teams don’t want to win the trophy great
teams want a win one for the coach they
want to make the coach proud we want to
make our parents proud and it raises our
status and it raises our confidence and
it feels good and we in turn will look
after others so that they may accomplish
the same this is what serotonin is
trying desperately to do the problem is
you can trick serotonin we live in a
materialist society so we judge status
very often in our country based on how
much money you make right so any
conspicuous display of wealth raises
your status this is why they put the
logos on the outside no good on the
inside nobody can see them we want the
red line of ours our proud of glasses
how good you you own a pair of designer
shoes how good does it feel to put on
your Gucci shoes oh my god it feels so
good you walk out and you feel a million
bucks you can actually feel your
confidence rise when you put on you put
on the stuff right because it’s showing
this display of status it feels great
the problem is there was no real
relationship that was reinforced because
of it
you tricked the system that’s why we
keep trying to accomplish things and
accumulate more and more material goods
and yet we never feel successful because
there was no relationship we tricked it
we gained it serotonin is the leadership
chemical the reason I call it leadership
chemical is a historical reason a very
simple historical reason we had a very
practical problem as our animal
developing as the Homo Sapien was
developing we lived in communities of
about a hundred and a hundred and fifty
people and is very practical issue which
is if we’re hungry and somebody brings
back food and drop a carcass on the
floor we’re all gonna rush in to eat and
if you’re lucky enough to be built like
a linebacker
you will elbow your way to the front and
you get the elbow in the face not a good
system to keep the whole tribe alive and
definitely not a good system for
cooperation because remember the value
of group living means that if I trust
you and you trust me I can fall asleep
at night and trust that you will alert
me to danger if I don’t trust you I
can’t go to sleep at night it’s the same
in our companies if we trust each other
we will turn our backs we will take
risks we will innovate we will do things
that will change the course of our world
if I don’t trust you I can’t do that I
can’t do that there’s value in group
living and group working and so if you
got an elbow in the face that afternoon
odds are very high that you’re not gonna
wake the guy who punched you if dangers
there you’re just not gonna do it bad
system and so we evolved into
hierarchical animals we’re constantly
assessing and judging each other
constantly arranging ourselves who’s the
Alpha who’s the dominant who’s the one
who sort of is the is that is the more
dominant personality or dominant talent
in the room in caveman times that might
have been physical muscle in the
creative industry it might be talent in
you know the military might be courage
there’s no standard by which we judge
alphas it’s relative to the industries
were in and it’s relative to us as well
if you’ve ever met someone and you were
nervous while you were meeting them
you’re not the Alpha we’ve all had the
experience where we’re meeting somebody
and we can sense that they’re nervous
meeting us you’re the Alpha I’ll tell
you a little aside that’s kind of funny
you know when women all live together
their menstrual cycles align right
assuming they’re not on the pill then it
doesn’t work right but if they’re not on
the pill that all the dimensional cycles
go together on the same schedule it’s
not arbitrary
they always align with the alpha females
schedule and the reason is
because when a woman is in her menstrual
cycle she can’t bear children and so in
evolutionary terms you want the alpha
male the alpha female too to do it so
you can have alpha children right nice
strong strapping kids are gonna survive
but if she’s off the market that
produces competition so mother nature
has in created a very clever way that
when she’s off the market everyone’s off
the market back to the talk so we’re
constantly judging and assessing each
other whose alpha right and what we do
is when we assess that someone else is
the alpha we voluntarily take a step
back and allow them to eat first alphas
get first choice of meat and first
choice of mate good system good system
the Alpha gets deep first the rest of us
may not get the best cut of meat but we
will get to eat eventually and we won’t
get an elbow in the face good system
will happily alert them to danger later
good system this is why we’re constantly
trying to raise our status is because
there are benefits to being the alpha
people will do things for us and step
back and offer us favors right we’re and
we to this day we’re perfectly
comfortable giving special treatment to
our alphas no one has a problem that
your boss makes more money than you you
might think he’s an ass but you don’t
have a problem that he makes more money
nobody has a problem that somebody
outranked who outranks us at work has a
bigger office than us doesn’t offend us
it is deeply ingrained in us we happily
step aside and allow our alphas first
choice of meat and first choice of mate
it’s good to be the king there are
advantages that come with being the
alpha you get special treatment you get
to eat first
people show you love and respect it
boosts the serotonin you walk around
like this it boosts your confidence it’s
awesome but it comes at a cost you see
the group is not stupid
we’re not giving all of that stuff away
for free leadership alpha comes at a
cost
you see we expect that when danger
threatens us from the outside that the
person who’s actually stronger the
person who’s better fed and the person
who is actually taming
with serotonin and actually has higher
confidence of the rest of us we expect
them to run towards the danger to
protect us this is what it means to be a
leader the cost of leadership is
self-interest if you’re not willing to
give up your perks when it matters then
you probably shouldn’t get promoted you
might be an authority but you will not
be a leader leadership comes at a cost
you don’t get to do less work when you
get more senior you have to do more work
and the more work you have to do is put
yourself at risk to look after others
that is the anthropological definition
of what a leader is this is why we’re so
offended by these banker boys who pay
themselves astronomical salaries it has
nothing to do with the number it has to
do with the fact that they have violated
a deep-seated social contract we know
that they made all of that money and
allowed their people to be sacrificed in
fact they may have sacrificed their
people for the money if I told you we’re
gonna give a hundred and fifty million
dollars to Nelson Mandela but anyone
have a problem with that
nope two hundred and fifty million
dollars to mother Teresa I’ve got an
issue with it no it’s not the number
it’s not the amount of money they make
it’s that we are deeply and viscerally
offended that we know that we allowed
them to have this alpha position and
they did not fulfill their
responsibilities of the Alpha they’re
supposed to sacrifice themselves for us
never sacrifice us for themselves this
is why we’re angry and offended and
don’t trust them they fail oh there’s
[Music]
oxytocin this is the best chemical at
all oxytocin is the feeling of love and
trust and friendship it’s all the warm
and fuzzies it’s all the unicorns and
rainbows it’s the reason we like to
spend time with our friends even if we
don’t do anything with them we just
simply watch TV we love their company I
promise you nearly every single person
sitting in this room today chose the
person there sitting next to you’re not
sitting next to a stranger you’re
sitting next to somebody you met came
with or or kind of know a little bit why
because it makes you feel safer doesn’t
it if you got up and went and sat next
to strangers wouldn’t feel so good
that’s the feeling of oxytocin oxytocin
is that intense feeling of safety that
someone’s got your back there are
multiple ways you can get oxytocin one
way to get it is physical contact
hugging feels wonderful right this when
women give birth to children huge surge
of oxytocin in their body this is what’s
responsible for the mother parent the
mother-child bond right it’s all that
oxytocin in the system this is why
shaking hands matters
imagine you’re doing the deal with
someone and you’re ready to sign the
contract and you say I’m so excited to
do business with you and they go I don’t
need to shake let’s sign the contract
I’m also excited to do business with you
you go great well let’s shake on it then
they go no no I agree to all the terms
let’s get this deal done I can’t wait to
work with you there you might get
everything you want in the contract but
business relationships are not rational
they’re about feeling safe they’re about
feeling we belong it’s human and one of
the ways we want to know that that
relationship is solidified is with
physical touch they’re simple refusal to
touch you to exchange that oxytocin
means one of two things will happen
you will either completely scuttle the
deal or you will go into it nervous
human bonds matter another way you can
get oxytocin is through acts of human
generosity an act of human generosity is
defined as giving of your time and
energy and X
affecting nothing in return money
doesn’t work sorry if I told you that
this morning I gave $1,000 to charity
what would you think of me you’d be like
good for you
what do you want a medal but if I told
you that last Saturday I gave up my day
and I went and painted schools in the
inner city then what would you think
you’d be like nice cool I should do more
right
the the value of my labour much less
than a thousand dollars could have hired
many more people for a thousand dollars
to go paint schools in the inner city
but you see as human beings we put a
premium on time because it is an equal
commodity and it is a non redeemable
commodity you spend money you make money
you spend time you’ll never get it back
some of you are sitting in this room
right now saying I will never get this
time back I got nothing for you so we
put a premium on people who give us
their time and energy a leader who says
to you I’ll pay for something for you is
not a leader a leader comes and sits
down next to you and says how can I help
you is a leader I was talking to some
oil executives and they were trying to
convince me that they really care about
how fulfilled and how happy their
employees are at work to which I said no
you don’t and they said no we do and I
said no you know and they said yeah we
do you see how this win and I said I bet
you hired some high-priced consultancy
to come into a web survey about whether
people like their jobs or not and they
said well we didn’t hire a consultancy I
said okay so it’s kind of like sending
your son an email right dear son your
mother and I care that you feel like a
valuable part of this family
please tell us candidly what we can do
better so that you feel like you belong
here because we really love you love dad
or you go into his room you sit on his
bed and you say hey son your mom and I
really care that you feel like a
valuable member of this family
please tell us candidly what we can do
better because we want you to feel like
you belong and we really love you same
words same intention same desire the
difference is one you gave time and
energy and the other one you didn’t this
is the problem with email it’s too easy
it’s too easy
there’s no time and energy expended it’s
too easy don’t feel anything if I come
to your house for dinner you make me a
lovely dinner the next day I send you a
very nice thank-you email what a
wonderful host you are or three days
later you receive a handwritten note
from me with the exact same words that
were written in the email which one
makes you feel better and written note
the sentiment was the same the words
were the same the difference is one took
a little more time and a little more
energy
leaders are the ones who give us their
time and give us their energy not the
ones who give us their money it doesn’t
count doesn’t work just biologically
doesn’t work this is how you get
oxytocin doing nice things for people
that require that you sacrifice a little
bit of time a little bit of energy
something you will never get back and if
you expect something in return then you
weren’t really giving in the first place
you take someone out for dinner because
you want them to hire you you’re not
really taking that for dinner you want
something in return it’s just a
protracted transaction it’s not
relationship building it’s nonsense I
was walking down the streets of New York
true story and guy in front of me his
backpack open a bunch of paper filled
spilled out on the on the street didn’t
think much of it I bent down gathered
the papers up handed them back to him
and pointed out that his bag it opened I
did a small act of generosity for
somebody I got a small burst of oxytocin
I felt good also the person on the
receiving end of the act of generosity
feels good they get a shot of oxytocin
he felt good he says thanks I get to the
end of the block and I’m standing
waiting to cross the street and a guy
who’s also happens to be standing
waiting to cross the street turns around
true story turns around and says to me I
saw what you did back there that was
really cool as it turns out witnessing
act of human generosity release oxytocin
remember our bodies are trying to get us
to repeat behaviors that are in our best
interest and it’s making us feel good
when we see or do acts of human
generosity so that we will do them in
fact the more oxytocin you have in your
body the more generous you actually
become you know is the more you do the
more you want to do it gets better than
that
lots of oxytocin in your body inhibits
addiction it makes it very difficult to
get addicted to something when you have
lots of oxytocin your body actually hits
addiction it boosts your immune system
it makes you healthier
that’s why happy people live longer it’s
why couples live longer
oxytocin it actually is good for us it
increases our ability to solve problems
it increases our creativity it’s really
good for us and it’s not addictive it
just
feels great it takes time to build up
though you know if I went on a date with
a girl the other day there’s a first
date we totally got along great we’re
gonna get married
why are you laughing that’s my social
life the reason you laugh is because you
inherently know that I cannot form a
bond of trust strong enough to get
married in seven days you know that why
don’t you go on a couple more days but
inherently you know that right but if I
told you that I’ve been dating somebody
for seven years and we’re not married
yet what do you say what’s wrong in
other words we know that that bond of
trust takes more than seven days in less
than seven years don’t know how long it
takes them so when you start a new job
and you’re really excited to work there
and they’re really excited to have you
don’t quite feel like you belong you
don’t quite feel like you’re trusted yet
right even though you were really
excited in their release it takes time
and you have to do little acts of
generosity and make little sacrifices do
little things for people not big risk
small risks it’s like dating you know
you don’t start by buying them a diamond
you start by taking them for lunch
buying them a drink you know little bits
then they take you out or they you take
them out again you do something a little
bigger then you do that in a movie then
they come over and then you buy them
flowers and then you say I love you and
one day you wake up in the morning it’s
like you press this belief button you
just I I’m in love I don’t know when it
happened you just clicks and you feel
like you belong same thing at work same
thing at work it just clicks and you
feel like you belong because you got
enough oxytocin built up in your system
we don’t allow this to happen we’re too
busy sending emails we’re too busy
sending emails the next time you want to
tell somebody something email is
fantastic for the exchange of
information right it’s fantastic here’s
the report you wanted the meetings at
four o’clock fantastic what did you
think of my idea do not reply on an
email that’s an emotional question email
is a rational tool you get up from your
desk you walk the 30 feet and you say
wanted to tell you what I thought of
your idea and I promise you not only
will that information be better received
but you will start to create
relationship because oxytocin starts to
get released if you can’t get up and
walk 30 feet pick up the telephone I’ve
done it it’s an amazing thing you pick
up the phone you go
hey they’re like hey what’s the matter
you’re like no I’m just I’m just
replying to your email wanted to tell
you what I thought what and people who
tell me but I need a paper trail have
the conversation hang up and say just to
confirm what we talked about boom
there’s your paper trail the reason we
get so many emails is because we reply
to them all and twelve emails are sent
and then somebody misunderstands
something and somebody gets angry and
then you have to pick up the phone and
deal with it anyway – at the beginning
quicker easier better biology give your
time and give your energy and this is
why leadership is really difficult
because you can’t give it to everyone
because you don’t have enough to give to
everyone you just can’t you have to make
sure that you can trust others to trust
others to trust others to trust others
and this is what happens in the circle
of belonging in the circle of safety
this is what effective bureaucracy is
which is as the CEO as the leader or
whatever your job is you have one
responsibility and one responsibility
only which is to make sure the people
you know that you have physical contact
with you know their names
our confident and feel looked after and
encouraged them to do the same for the
big ones who work beneath them hoo boo
neat work beneath them who work beneath
them and when this group of people
really feel safe then they will invite
in the customer to also feel safe they
will talk to these people as if they are
human I actually flew in an airline
recently and I was I was appalled at how
I was treated it was disgusting it was
like cattle right and I said something I
said why do you treat people like cattle
and she literally said to me I’m sorry
sir I have to do it or I’ll lose my job
what did she tell me my organization
that I work for it doesn’t make me feel
safe I don’t feel like I look like I
belong so I’m gonna treat you like dirt
to protect myself as opposed to somebody
who feels safest says sir I will do
everything in my power to make sure that
you feel happy and good because I’m not
worried that’s called a highly effective
organization there’s one more chemical I
haven’t told you about
the Big C cortisol cortisol is the
feeling of stress and the feeling of
anxiety we share these chemicals with
all the social mammals and so when you
see a herd of gizelle you vall seen the
documentary on discovery or whatever
right and see a herd of gazelle grazing
and one of them thinks they hear a
rustle in the grass and they go head
right
that’s what cortisol does cortisol is
designed to keep us alive it is the
first stage of fight-or-flight
it makes us paranoid it makes all of our
senses hyper attuned to look for danger
it injects glucose into our muscles to
make a stiff and ready to go in case we
need to fight or flight it increases our
heart rate like crazy right and it makes
us start looking it makes us paranoid to
find the danger and the cool thing about
cortisol when you work in a social
environment is if other people sense
that you’re nervous they get nervous so
all the other gazelle go they didn’t
hear anything they just saw Steve over
there it really freaked out and so they
got all freaked out and now they all
start looking for the danger good system
and one of them who didn’t even hear the
initial rustle in the grass sees the
line runs they all run they all live
another day good system so that when we
go to work and somebody says I think
there’s gonna be layoffs all of us are
like what do you mean wait there’s gonna
be we’re all paranoid now we’re all free
I shouldn’t have talked in that meeting
ah we start to get crazy we start to get
paranoid our hearts start to race that’s
what cortisol does it’s trying to keep
us alive you wake up in the middle of
the night you hear a bump in the middle
of the night huh what’s the first thing
you do you wake the person next to you
and then what do they do they go and if
there’s nothing there you go and trust
your eyes right you go looking for it
we’re visual animals right if there’s
cortisol leaves our body and we relax
and a heart rate goes back down cortisol
to get all of that extra energy to make
us paranoid to make us self interested
it needs to shut down non-essential
systems because it has to get it from
somewhere right so it shuts off things
like growth you don’t need your
fingernails to grow at that moment shuts
it off the other thing it shuts off is
our immune system don’t need it in that
moment the problem is you’re not
supposed to have cortisol in your system
all the time you’re supposed to have it
in and then gone and when we go to work
in a place that doesn’t make us feel
like we belong that doesn’t make us feel
safe when we’re at work guess what we
got little bits of cortisol dripping in
our body drip drip drip drip makes his
paranoid drip I know my boss hates me I
know he hates me I hate he hates all my
ideas I know it
drip drip it makes it self-interested
one of the things cortisol does it
inhibits the release of oxytocin
biologically if you work in a
high-stress environment where you don’t
feel safe you were biologically less
empathetic and less generous we don’t
care about each other because we’re too
busy trying to protect ourselves drip
drip drip our immune systems are now
compromised drip drip drip we live in
the country with some of the best
medical education in the world some of
the best medical systems in the world
some of the best doctors in the world
some of the best hospitals in the world
some the best medicines in the world
please explain to me why diabetes is on
the rise
heart disease is on the rise some
cancers are on the rise it ain’t hot
partially hydrogenated oils our jobs are
killing us and the people who
responsible are the leaders and we also
know that parents who come home stressed
out their kids learn that this is what
work is that work is something that
makes you short-tempered and and and
unhappy and so they expect it as they
grow older worse we know that parents
who come home upset and angry it has
such a negative impact on their children
that there’s some studies that show that
they might actually become bullies
because of their unhappy parents who
hate their jobs and have excessive
amounts of stress our companies are
literally killing us so what are you
gonna do about it what are you gonna do
about it
leadership is not a ranked leadership is
not a position leadership is a decision
leadership is a choice it has nothing to
do with your position in the
organization if you decide to look after
the person to the left of you and look
after the person to the right of you you
have become a leader you’ve seen the
movie 300 right the Spartans the
greatest fighting force of all time you
want to know one of the things that made
the Spartans great wasn’t their muscles
wasn’t their spears it was their shields
they stood shield to shield and the
Phalanx was stronger because they all
those shields were big and they were
told when they were young children you
either bring your shield home where you
come home on your shield
the punishment for for losing your
shield was tremendous in battle because
if you lost your shield that means you
cannot protect the person to the left of
you and the person to the right of you
and you have destroyed the Phalanx it’s
the shield that matters not the spear
not the spear
it’s your willingness to sacrifice
yourself not your life maybe your credit
maybe you’re a little time maybe a
little energy maybe you’re tough you
know maybe getting up from your desk and
talk to somebody for thirty minutes
instead of sending a three-minute email
it’s your willingness to sacrifice for
someone to hold that shield up so that
they feel safe that makes you a leader
and you want to know how you beat a
dopamine addiction if you’re worried
that you’re addicted to performance and
all this dopamine things Alcoholics
Anonymous has been highly effective for
decades 80 something years we all know
the first step of the 12 steps we joke
about it right admit you have a problem
did you know the twelfth step don’t say
I’ll tell you what the 12 step is
Alcoholics Anonymous knows that if you
master all 11 steps but not the twelfth
you will drink again if you master the
twelfth step you will beat the disease
what’s the twelfth step the twelfth step
is the commitment to help another
alcoholic service service to another
oxytocine wins sera Tosun went serotonin
wins the more we look after each other
the safer we feel the more we feel like
we belong and the more we will work
together to confront the dangers outside
do this for others and others will become Johnny Bravo
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