you know I’ve heard a lot of experts say
that fear isn’t real that is such a
bunch of baloney fear is so real in fact
there are probably things that you’re
afraid of doing right now in your life
in your relationships at work and the
fact that you’re afraid that’s robbing
you of all of the experiences that you
want to have in your life I mean if
you’re afraid to fly that’s gonna limit
your ability to travel and see the world
or go visit friends if you’re afraid of
public speaking that’s gonna really
limit your ability to express yourself
and share your ideas if you if you’re
afraid of talking to your boss or asking
for a raise that directly impacts how
much money you make or what if you are
dreaming of starting a business or
you’ve already started a new business
but you’re afraid to talk to people and
you’re afraid to share your business
with people I mean fear is something
that stops us all and that’s why I’m
here to talk to you because it doesn’t
have to fear is real but I am gonna
share a secret weapon that I have used
for years to beat every single fear that
used to stop me now first before we get
into the secret weapon I just want to
cover a few facts about fear what it is
what it isn’t and some things that you
may not know about fear so first thing
fear is a physical state in your body
that is exactly the same as excitement
let me say that again fear and
excitement are the exact same physical
state your heart races you might sweat a
little bit
you might feel tightening in your chest
you might feel a pit in your stomach you
have a surge of cortisol it’s basically
the way that your body goes into a hyper
aware state because it’s readying for
action now what’s the difference between
fear and excitement really simple the
only difference between fear and
excitement is what your brain is doing
as your body is all agitated if you’re
excited your brains going
wow this is gonna be so cool to ride
this roller coaster if you’re afraid
your brains going oh no way there’s no
way I’m doing that this is dangerous get
out of there don’t do that
it’s saying something different so
what’s critical about understanding this
is that we’re gonna use the fact that
your mind is either working for you for
excitement or against you with fear to
your advantage
I’ll tell you about it in just a minute
how you’re gonna do that second thing I
want you to understand is that you may
have heard the advice feel the fear and
do it anyway
you may have heard the advice oh just
try to calm down think positive thoughts
it doesn’t work does it and there’s a
reason why it doesn’t work so let’s go
back to fact number one when you’re
afraid your body’s in a state of arousal
on agitation and your heart is racing
and you’re all like amped up and you’re
hyper aware of what’s going on and
you’re freaking out a little bit what is
it like when you’re calm it just kind of
chilled right you got like this low
arousal state very very difficult to go
from a state of agitation of being all
jacked up and excited and weirded out uh
to a kind of state it doesn’t work it’s
like trying to stop a train by throwing
a boulder on the tracks it’s gonna make
the train jump off the tracks it’s gonna
cause a disaster in fact they’ve proven
in research that when you try to ignore
your fears it actually makes them worse
and they’ve also proven in research the
positive thinking alone also can make
your fears work worse so what do you do
what do you do when you’re about to go
talk to your boss and you feel afraid
what do you do when you have to get on a
plane and you’re actually terrified of
flying what do you do if you got to give
a presentation and you are afraid of
public speaking here’s what you’re gonna
do you’re gonna use a strategy the same
one that I use that has helped me beat
every single fear and turn me into
somebody that is terrific
when it comes to a high-stress situation
this is how you do it
you’re going to use my five-second rule
in
combination with what I call an anchor
thought and that is going to reframe
what your mind is doing so that your
mind goes from feeling agitation and
making you afraid to reframing it from
agitation to excitement it works like
magic now I have used this technique for
years
literally for years and one of the ways
that I want to introduce you to it is I
want to take you backstage I want to
take you backstage to a speech that I
deliver this year and what you’re gonna
see is you’re gonna see me behind you
know the major set I’m about to walk out
you can kind of hear the crowd roaring
my introductory video is playing my body
is in a state of arousal
I am literally my heart is racing my
arms are sweating like it’s like you’re
gonna see this I’m gonna tell you about
it and you’re gonna watch me use this
same technique I’m gonna teach you to
reframe my nerves into excitement check
this out all right I’m about to go
onstage they’re 7 that was a people out
there and it’s so exciting because what
they don’t know is they’re about to
learn the five-second rule and their
lives will never be the same again now I
got to tell you my heart is racing my
armpits are sweating I have the exact
same physiological feeling as what I’m
afraid but I’m not afraid I’m excited
excitement and fear is the exact same
thing in your body it’s just what your
brain calls it here’s a trick that’s
proven by science that I use every time
I speak when I start to sweat when I
start to have butterflies when I start
to have my heart
I say I’m excited I’m excited to get out
there I’m excited to talk to these
people I’m excited to share the
five-second rule and what that does is
it sends a message to my brain that
tells my brain why my body’s all
agitated and excited and that way I
don’t feel afraid
remember excitement and fear exact same
thing in your body the only difference
is what your brain calls it now I want
to give you one more example just to
make sure that you really get how you
can use this so a lot of you have
written to me about your fear of flying
and I can really relate to that fear
because I used to have the exact same
fear but I used this same strategy to
conquer it here’s how you’re going to do
it so first things first if you’ve got
to do something that really makes you
nervous or that you’re afraid to do
before you’re about to do it come up
with an anchor thought what’s an anchor
thought well an anchor thought is
something that’s going to anchor you so
that you don’t escalate any situation
into a full-blown panic attack or into a
situation where you screw things up it’s
a way for you to anchor yourself so you
maintain control over what you’re
thinking and how you behave so here’s an
example with fly it’s important when
you’re creating an anchor thought to
pick something that is in the proper
context of what you’re afraid to do so
for flying pick an anchor thought that
has to do with the trip that you’re
taking so if I’m boarding a plane to fly
back home to Michigan an anchor thought
might be a picture in my mind of my mom
and I walking on the shores of Lake
Michigan where I grew up that’s a
thought that makes me happy it makes me
excited and it’s also related to the
trip that I’m taking if you have a
conversation that you need to have with
your boss pick an anchor thought about
how you feel after having that
conversation maybe it’s you picking up
the phone and calling somebody that you
you love and saying oh my gosh it went
so well or you know you walking out of
the meeting and feeling like yeah I
survived that conversation I feel pretty
good about myself
so now that you have your anchor thought
you’re ready to beat the fear is the
biggest obstacle that we face Thiago
it’s simple it’s self-doubt it’s not
fear it’s not lack of money it’s not
lack of supporters it’s the fact that
we’ll doubt yourself at critical moments
and here’s the problem is self-doubt
self-doubt doesn’t have to stop you
the problem is self-doubt is that the
second that you feel a little doubtful
the second that you start to question
yourself you physically hesitate
that hesitation has become a habit that
stops you because the moment you
hesitate it wakes up your brain your
brain starts thinking and then you hold
yourself back you guys know I talked
about the five-second rule incessantly
it’s the title of the new book that I’m
writing that’s coming out in 2017 the
five-second rule is a tool that battles
self-doubt because in those moments
those those tiny micro moments when
you’re faced with should I do this or
should I not should I speak in a meeting
should I hold back my ideas should I
have this tough conversation or should I
wait till later
the second you doubt the option of
moving forward
yesterday
then you think then you look back
that’s how it happens every single time
that’s how you sabotage your success
of hesitating
is killing your dreams the single
biggest obstacle in life theater is the
doubt that you feel and the single
biggest mistake that you’re making is
that you hesitate when you feel it and
you start to use the five-second rule in
those moments to just physically move
forward within five seconds
yo man what energizes you and that we
naturally have a tremendous amount of
body wisdom about that and that every
one of us has an internal fuel tank that
is either empty or full and if you’re
empty you feel depleted if you’re full
you feel energized and so if you simply
are in any situation I mean any
situation and you pay attention within
five seconds – does this person energize
me do they deplete me where are they in
the scale you just gain some tremendous
wisdom and you the simple way to start
to figure out who you are and what you
want is start aligning yourself with
more things that energize you so
situationally if you’re lying in bed and
the snooze alarm goes or the arm goes
off and you feel depleted and you start
reaching for the snooze button that’s a
really big sign that you need to get out
of bed now being depleted versus
energized has nothing to do with whether
or not things are hard or easy it has to
do with what naturally actually either
expands you or shrinks you and so if you
look at your client list and measure it
depleted versus energized what shrinks
versus expands me you have the actual
map and when you start to find the
courage to make decisions that energize
you and that expand you whether they’re
scary or not that’s when everything
changes and so that’s how I actually
make business decisions is this I don’t
even like the money conversation comes
second it’s does this deplete or
energize me and if it depletes me how do
you move it in that direction or how do
I stay sane oh if it energizes me how do
I do more because if you are energized
or expanded by something you will do it
for no money you will do it happily and
you will suddenly wake up and say oh my
gosh like my heart I’m pursuing my
passion how did that happen a lot of you
feel stuck because you’re waiting for
some kind of external force to either
push you and pressure you to change and
to be great and to be amazing or you’re
waiting for somebody to give you
permission you’re either sitting back
because you need some sort of external
motivation from somebody that’s gonna
push you or praise you or pressure you
in order to change or some life
circumstance like maybe in your past
you’ve experienced trauma or you faced
something really scary and that was the
thing that made you change and then the
second thing that people wait around for
is permission
look those may or may not come in your
life if you are somebody that is sitting
around waiting for some external force
to come and do the work for you that is
such a losing bet it’s unbelievable
maybe you’ll get lucky maybe somebody
will come but more than likely no one is
coming
the only kind of force that will truly
create change in your life is you the
internal kind of force I hate to say it
but for those of you that feel really
really stuck and you keep thinking that
somebody’s got to pick me or somebody’s
gonna discover me or somebody’s got to
give me permission to write this book
it’s it’s ridiculous this is external
and what you have to figure out if
you’re stuck is are you the kind of
person that is guilty of needing wanting
and waiting for external forces people
an event some outside force to kick you
in the ass they’ll finally do the stuff
that you’ve been dreaming about doing I
want to tell you something no one’s
coming no one the people in life that
get what they want are the ones that
aren’t waiting for an external force to
validate their dreams to inspire them to
give them permission it’s the people
that realize that success but happiness
that control it comes from the internal
force and what is the internal force
it’s you it’s you it’s you being able to
realize that no one’s gonna do the work
for you it’s you realizing that you’re
never gonna feel ready
in fact even as you start working toward
the things that you really want to do
you’re definitely not gonna feel ready
and you’re gonna feel outside your
comfort zone and that’s normal when you
start to feel like you’re stretching
yourself and you’re sticking your
scrawny neck out there and you’re taking
some risks that’s amazing cuz you’re
growing trying to become a fashion and
beauty blogger and Mert and earn money
from it full time but I have some kind
of mental block and procrastination
problem is this is something that we see
over and over and over again and it’s
this idea that you don’t ever start you
stay trapped in your head and if you
feel paralyzed if you’ve been spinning
the same ideas over and over and over
again then you know what I’m talking
about you see many of you are thinking
way too big you’re attaching way too
much pressure on the things that you’re
interested in until you start blogging
about fashion
you won’t even know if you like it so
thinking that you have a dream about
doing it and thinking that you have this
grand plan that you’re gonna do it
full-time it is a complete and utter
waste of your time to be dreaming that
big and let me tell you why because
oftentimes if you’re the kind of person
like Vicky that’s getting trapped up
here the bigness of
you’re thinking about is what’s stopping
you what I want you to do if you’re in
Vicki’s situation is I want you to stop
dreaming and I want you to just start
doing small things I want you to go back
to curiosity and less into crushing your
big goals the thing about life and
business and success is that you have to
be willing to start and for people that
procrastinate starting is the hardest
part for people that worry for people
that think too big starting is the
hardest part folks that study
procrastination talk about the fact that
the only way to beat procrastination is
to create what they call a starting
ritual which is a way to push yourself
to get started because all the research
shows that if we can push you to get
started on something you’ll likely keep
going spend a lot of time talking about
mindset from the standpoint of think
positive so positive things happen and I
do believe in having a positive mindset
obviously I think that the actions that
you take are way more important in terms
of developing that mindset but we don’t
spend enough time on what you were just
talking about which is understanding how
the automatic nature of worrying about
stuff all day long how that is making
you less money how it is making you less
happy how it is disconnecting you from
your spouse how it is keeping you
unhealthy and how it is a habit that
robs you of joy and opportunity and
power and it is one of the easiest
habits to break number one your life
happens in five-second windows number
two in five seconds you can control what
you think you can decide what you’re
going to do and you can change
absolutely anything which changes
absolutely everything and so the
five-second rule is a mind trick that’s
all that it is a fancy way to call it as
a you know it’s a form of metacognition
but it’s basically a hack it’s a cheat
code okay and the way that it works and
this is the challenge with getting it
out there is that it sounds so
profoundly stupid like a gimmick that it
took a while for people to actually take
it seriously I get that and to really
stack up the science to make you know
anybody that interacts with it go holy
like this actually works yeah so
here’s what it is basically the moment
you catch yourself hesitating or
doubting or starting to worry or about
to chicken out or shrink or shut up or
whatever it is that you’re about to do
that is shrinking your power you just go
5 4 3 2 1 you count backwards 5 4 3 2 1
what happens when you do that don’t do
it out loud because it’ll scare somebody
it’s like going although you know we I
say it’s it’s so simple that people live
skip into making love that because that
means I’ve really made it through your
kids will use it on you so my kids will
use it on me so if I have a certain tone
that comes out I’ll hear my child will
go 5 4 through watch that tone mom you
know just alright mom 5 4 3 2 and I
thought you’re gonna go to the gym yes
so by counting backwards the the kind of
cheat code that you’re doing in your
mind is you are interrupting what are
called habit loops that get encoded in
the central part of your brain and you
are starting up the prefrontal cortex
it’s a little trick that causes focus
and it’s it’s a lot like having a mantra
because you’re shifting gears but the
thing about having a mantra is and I
suppose that as you count backwards more
and more and more you become used to it
but it becomes a habit that triggers
action so what you do is go 5 4 3 2 1
cut off this part of the brain awaken
this part of the brain and then move and
what happens with the counting backwards
is there’s nowhere to go after one
and your mind is socialized in a
countdown situation to go and so
counting up won’t work because you can
keep going forever and you do it in many
aspects of your life so it’s actually
not something that requires any focus
I’m the kind of person that believes you
should always make decisions with your
heart and soul you can use your brain
for math you can use your brain to look
at the fine print in a contract but when
it comes to the actual feel of the
decision you always want to go inward
and check it against your heart and soul
how do you do that here’s the simple
test does the decision that you’re about
to make expand you expand your future or
expand the possibilities of your life if
the answer is yes then the decision is
yes no matter how terrifying it is if
you conversely look at the choice that
you have to make and the decision will
shrink you will silence you will inhibit
you in some way then the answer is no no
matter how easy the decision is no
matter how safe the decision is the
answer is no now one of the things I
want to point out that when you start to
use this does it expand or does it
shrink me does it open possibilities or
does it keep things closed does it raise
my voice or does it silence me right is
that there’s always a short-term and a
long-term impact to the decision the
short-term impact to making an expansive
decision a decision that’s based in your
heart in your soul sometimes it’s
terrifying
because sometimes it means moving or it
means changing a job or changing a
relationship or having a difficult
conversation or starting something new
and those sorts of things are always
uncomfortable so brace for impact
put the force fields up but make the
decision anyway because the long-term
impact of making a decision from your
heart and soul that is where the best
life comes from because you’re living
for what’s true for you
not what’s safe in the moment I think
everybody has fear all wrong people have
so many theories about fear they talk
about oh I’m afraid of success know I’m
afraid of failure I’m afraid of intimacy
I’m afraid of heights I’m afraid of this
I’m afraid of that I’m afraid of the
other thing there’s actually only two
fears only two and if you’re in sales
which you are or even if you’re not
life is about persuading people life is
about influencing people and fear is the
invisible force that will make you
ineffective at that it will stop you now
I love JK Rollins as an example I mean
we all know the Harry Potter series but
what a lot of people don’t know about
her she talks a lot about fear she
struggled with major depression do you
know she was unemployed and she wrote
the original idea for Harry Potter on a
napkin while she was on state benefits
she was then rejected by 12 publishing
houses and this by the way was after she
was divorced bankrupt and a single mom
of a kid pushed herself pushed herself
pushed herself she talks a lot about
fear and about failure well you know we
know the moral of the story she just
kept going of course she was afraid but
she had the good kind of fear not the
bad kind of fear first things first when
I wake up in the morning and I do not
sleep next to my phone the reason why I
don’t sleep next to my phone is because
if
sleep next to it or use it as your alarm
your tendency is to look at it while
you’re in bed that means that you’re
checking email before you’ve even
thought about what your priorities are
do not do that that’s tip number one tip
number two I have a pad of post-it notes
yes post-it notes next to my sink in
that my bathroom
well because after I brush my teeth
haven’t looked at my phone yet I take a
post-it note out and I write the three
things I need to focus on today and then
you know what I do with it I stick it on
the back of my phone now why would I do
that because I have my phone with me all
the time and so if it’s on the back of
my phone I’m gonna get a visual cue to
remind me I keep it top of mine so I
stay focused on it third thing that I do
it’s a little trick I call 30 before
7:30 what that means I spend 30 minutes
before 7:30 a.m. just focused on getting
my day organized and getting a few of
the things that are my top priorities
either finished or further down the
field
that’s 30 minutes before 7:30 a.m.
that’s time for me if you utilize those
three things don’t sleep with your phone
right after you brush your teeth right
out your three priorities and stick it
on the back of your phone just like this
and spend 30 minutes before 7:30 for
yourself I promise you you’ll be shocked
and how much more focused you are and
Newfield many of you are sitting around
waiting to feel ready you can still move
forward when you’re not ready too many
of you are waiting to feel like you
deserve to make six figures it’s about
the action your mind your history your
past you will always have a million
excuses not to do it not to feel like it
not to believe in yourself they’re all
the only thing that matters in your life
and your business is the actions that
you’re taking and then the more
consistently that you take action the
faster you will start to believe in
yourself because you will see proof that
you are not the kind of person that sits
around and feels unworthy that you’re
not a victim that sits by and get sucked
into other people’s stuff that you’re
not that kind of person so it won’t make
sense
anymore but it starts action I believe
in all of you and I believe in your
ability to get it done but it’s gonna be
up to you who is the problem yeah who is
the solution that’s right don’t wait to
feel like it that it’s the biggest
mistake you could possibly make it
remember that you’re smart remember that
you know what to do and just get it done
what’s fascinates me about human beings
and it fascinates me about myself is
that we have such a high tolerance for
suckiness isn’t it crazy as long as the
suckiness as a routine but the second
you get thrown out of your routine or
the second that whether it’s because you
lose a job or somebody moves or somebody
dies or somebody breaks up with you or
you break like all of a sudden that
awakens the courage in you to make a
change because she you know either you
have no choice or now you’ve got a
problem to solve but fighting that
inertia of life is the most difficult
thing in the world I ended up getting a
job with a law firm because it was the
path of least resistance in Boston in
Boston I hated it because I went from
being in the courtroom to writing briefs
all day and luckily I got pregnant with
our first daughter who just is starting
college which makes me feel so ancient I
just want to like punch myself in the
face if I have a 18 year old freshman in
college um thank you but I got pregnant
with her and when she was born I had
horrific postpartum depression Wow I
mean the really scary kind where you
can’t be alone with the baby you’re on
crazy meds that turn you at not the kind
you take recreationally yeah these are
the kind that like turn you into a
zombie and it was a really scary thing
and I I when I kind of came out of the
eight-week trance of that I looked up at
Chris and said I’ve made a decision and
he said okay what would that be and I
I don’t ever want to answer the question
what do you do for a living with the
response I’m a lawyer and he said okay
you realize we’ve just bought this house
and we have a kid and we have orders to
pay and he said so here’s the deal
you’ve got exactly four weeks before
your maternity leave is over
you need to make $60,000 I don’t care
what you do for a living that’s your
problem go solve it and the night before
I was supposed to read so I networked
like a crazy person cuz again if you’re
a human being with a problem
you’ll solve it yeah and so if it
matters enough to you and so I got a job
and this was the first combo in Boston I
got a job the night before I was
supposed to go back I’ve been in the
media business for ten years when I tell
you that things have changed 1,000% let
me just give you an example my first
media deal I was signed by ABC that’s
right ABC the big dog crazy syndicated
shows I was signed by them to do a
talk-show deal now do you know what that
meant there was some executive that was
looking out over the sea of talent they
were meeting with agents they were
picking people they were doubting you
and then guess what if they did pick you
they owned everything they told you what
to do Oprah’s son anomaly the game was
gatekeepers a few media players a sea of
competition total scarcity now what is
it today holy it’s unbelievable if you
have an iPhone you can have a show if
you have an idea and you’re willing to
put it out there and you’re willing to
start sharing yourself on social media
you have a syndication platform there is
no one doubting you except for you and
that’s why I’m sitting here imploring
you I’m telling you right now if you
have a business if you have aspirations
if you have a dream the single biggest
opportunity in front of you is to put it
out on social
to start talking about the things that
interest you to start sharing your ideas
sharing and documenting what you’re up
to
I guarantee you you start doing that and
you’re gonna start amassing an audience
that you had no idea was out there dying
to connect with you to learn from you
and to grow with you gave a speech
yesterday in Dallas after the speech it
was a big audience of people in
financial services a guy dressed to the
nines and like one of these super slick
suits comes up to me he says hey Mel you
know really loved the five-second rule
do you mind if I give you some feedback
feedback ah don’t you hate getting
feedback and then when people actually
preface it by saying can I give you some
feedback I don’t know about you but
literally my butt’s like it just cannot
and it I immediately go on edge but
here’s the thing about feedback you have
to take it you have to take it it is
critical critical critical critical so I
want to tell you number one what the guy
said to me my reaction and then I want
to give you my philosophy about feedback
because what the guy said to me was so
valuable and it was also really hard for
me to hear Here I am
after the speech were surrounded by a
big group of people he walks up to me
and says when it’s his turn in the line
can I give you some feedback
I immediately tense up and this is what
he says Mel I love the concept of the
five-second rule super cool idea can’t
wait to try it okay now comes the punch
of a gun he said you called it stupid so
many times during the speech it was
off-putting
doesn’t that sound terrible that word
and he said I could tell that you were
doing it on purpose he’s right in fact
you called it stupid so many times and
yet you have these insanely powerful
examples of how people are using it you
came off as defensive when he said this
to me I’m literally you know how you
feel like you’re shrinking in life or
you’re like standing and your full size
then all of a sudden somebody says
something you’re like I just want to
disappear right now and the reason why I
was such a zinger is he was right he was
absolutely right you see I do call the
five-second rule stupid because I’m in
front of so many analytical audiences
in front of skeptics all the time and so
I use it as a pre-emptive way to
disappear the biggest push back on the
five-second rule which is on its face it
sounds so stupid and so simple there’s
no way it could be so powerful the
problem is I’ve gotten lazy and I say it
too much he’s a hundred percent right
and by hearing that feedback I can make
a really simple tweak to my speech I can
call it stupid once or twice in the very
beginning and then I can transition to
calling it something that’s very simple
and powerful now that’s gonna help me
reach more people with the five-second
rule and here’s what I want to say about
feedback feedback is intense to receive
it really is because you are exposing
yourself to critical opinions it will
make you feel very vulnerable the way
that I handle feedback and process it
I’m very clear about the things that I
will receive feedback on and I’m very
clear about the things that I will not
receive feedback on and the reason why
is if you don’t listen to any feedback
at all guys you’re never gonna improve
you’re not gonna ever do anything new so
no feedback means nothing new if you
listen to everything that everybody says
in terms of feedback if you allow
everybody to weigh in on everything it’s
gonna become so paralyzing that you will
do nothing new so the key with feedback
is knowing yourself and knowing what you
actually accept feedback on and knowing
what you don’t accept feedback on so
many of us have this perfectionism gene
and the reason why we’re perfectionists
is we’re trying to insulate ourselves
from criticism that if you get it
perfect no one will give you feedback if
you get it right nobody’s going to
criticize you if you do it perfect then
no one will be able to attack you and
the problem with that and that’s just
another side of the same coin which is
the fear of disappointing people you’re
managing not disappointing people not by
lying and not by being codependent but
by actually trying to be a perfectionist
so that nobody criticizes you so let me
tell you a story about the fear of
disappointing people in my own life
because this is the biggest trigger in
my life I mean it goes back to being in
fourth grade right it’s there and this
is an
other thing I have to remind myself of
this everybody every single day you
cannot remove the things that trigger
you you can’t if you’ve been doing a
pattern since fourth grade there will be
things for the rest of your life that
will trigger that pattern to come up but
you can always choose not to repeat the
pattern so you’ll be triggered and be
afraid that you’re gonna disappoint
somebody that’s real that’s normal it’s
natural it’s part of being a human being
I think it’s interwove and into every
relationship where you love somebody but
you don’t have to behave the way that
you always behaved when you’re nervous
about disappointing somebody so let me
give you a dumb story you ready when my
husband and I got married my father gave
us this really incredible gift he gave
us an antique pool table I grew up in
Muskegon Michigan where Brunswick was
founded and my dad has a hobby of going
to garage sales and estate sales and
buying old dilapidated pool tables and
then he restores them so when Chris and
I got married he bought us an old
dilapidated pool table from the same era
as our house which is the 1870s he
restored the whole thing and then
recently he and I rented a u-haul and we
drove this sucker from Muskegon Michigan
to Boston Massachusetts my dad and I
took a road trip get there and we
assemble the pool table in what used to
be our playroom fast forward three or
four years the speaking business takes
off my business starts to grow we have
people that work for us and my kids are
older we don’t need a playroom we need
an office the pool table is in the
middle of this thing for the first two
years of having the office we kept the
pool table there
why because I didn’t want my dad to be
disappointed because I loved him now he
visits our house twice a year for two or
three days with my mom and I kept this
thing occupying 1/3 of our office for
two years and then I realized I’m being
ridiculous I’m being absolutely
ridiculous now here’s the thing
will he be disappointed if I take the
pool table down absolutely definitely
they’re always going to be things that
you do decisions that you have to make
in your life in your business for your
family that will
disappoint other people it’s unavoidable
but the fact that he’s going to be
disappointed should never be the reason
that I don’t do something that is
aligned with my values now let’s take it
a step further when you make a decision
that is likely going to disappoint
people or that does still make the
decision because it’s your life there’s
nothing worse than when you start to rob
your future and your life and your
happiness because you’re so focused on
other people however if you love people
you can still take care of them when you
make that decision so let me go back to
the example of the pool table so I knew
I was gonna take it down I knew my
father was gonna be disappointed I was
disappointed I don’t have a big house so
I don’t eat you know I don’t have the
room for a huge pool table I don’t have
a finished basement like a lot of people
I don’t have like a cool garage game
room thing like I just don’t happen I
called him first and said I need to talk
to you about something you know the pool
table I love the pool table dad my
business is growing so much I actually
need an office and all great will be
great in the office and I’m like wow
yeah would accept I have you know
through four people showing up we got to
put some desks in there for now even
went out while you could put a piece of
plywood and they could work on the pool
table and then they could do the thing
and then the thing and now my heart is
racing because I don’t want to
disappoint my dad and now he’s fighting
for the and I had to just say for me Dad
here’s what’s gonna happen I’m gonna
hire professional movers in the pool
table business to disassemble this with
love and care we were gonna store it
beautifully when I either get a
full-time office off-site or I build a
barn or I build a different house this
will have its own beautiful room
dedicated to you so we had this
beautiful conversation now was he
disappointed absolutely when they come
to the house and visit which they just
did and they walk into the office do I
feel a pang you better believe I do
it doesn’t matter that’s all normal I
still need to make the decisions that I
need to make and the difference what’s
changed is how I relate to that fear so
instead of what I would do in the past
is I would make a
that doesn’t serve me I’d leave the pool
table and then I’d be all about it I’d
leave the pool table as a way to make my
dad happy but it made me miserable to
leave it there because I need the space
right and then I’d be kind of annoyed
and then he’d come and I’d fake play
pool because I kind of want to run you
know you know you know what I’m saying
like we do all this but that’s not real
and what I’ve been able to do for myself
in some instances when I sketch it is to
hit it head-on and to be authentic and
to still take care of people and what
I’ve also come to learn is that people
can be disappointed in you and they
still love you you know you’re never
gonna get around this everybody in your
family is gonna be disappointed with you
probably wants a day probably and you
have the ability to retrain how you
respond to that trigger that rises up in
you where you start to fear that you’re
disappointing somebody and the answer
really is make the decision that’s
aligned with your values and the thing
that supports you and then take care of
the person by being honest and
straightforward about it dealing with
their disappointment head-on because
that’s really the adult thing to do and
that’s what you do when you love
somebody the way we’ve all been handling
it myself included is manipulation lying
resentment withholding and that doesn’t
serve anybody my life changed a couple
years ago when I discovered something
called the progress principle it is a
principle that was written about in the
Harvard Business Review it’s based on a
tremendous amount of research done by a
professor over there and what she
determined is that people that feel
happy and successful and fulfilled by
their lives and work they all have one
thing in common they feel as though
they’re making progress on something
that matters so I read this little bit
of research and I started applying it to
my life and what I do as stupid as it
sounds it really works I don’t focus on
balancing everything I focus on just
making sure that I make progress on one
thing a day that’s right you heard me
one thing a day that matters to me now
if I can make progress on one thing a
day that matters to me
then I can let go and let the rest of my
day get hijacked by kids by spouse by
phone calls by emails by social media by
all kinds of things that come up and
tend to hijack your day when you’re a
busy person when you have a family when
you’re married when you got a lot going
on and so by focusing on one thing a day
I feel the sense of control in the sense
of progress that science tells us will
make you happy and make you feel more
confident and actually make you more
effective at getting things done it also
frees me up to be more present with my kids
that fear isn’t real that is such a
bunch of baloney fear is so real in fact
there are probably things that you’re
afraid of doing right now in your life
in your relationships at work and the
fact that you’re afraid that’s robbing
you of all of the experiences that you
want to have in your life I mean if
you’re afraid to fly that’s gonna limit
your ability to travel and see the world
or go visit friends if you’re afraid of
public speaking that’s gonna really
limit your ability to express yourself
and share your ideas if you if you’re
afraid of talking to your boss or asking
for a raise that directly impacts how
much money you make or what if you are
dreaming of starting a business or
you’ve already started a new business
but you’re afraid to talk to people and
you’re afraid to share your business
with people I mean fear is something
that stops us all and that’s why I’m
here to talk to you because it doesn’t
have to fear is real but I am gonna
share a secret weapon that I have used
for years to beat every single fear that
used to stop me now first before we get
into the secret weapon I just want to
cover a few facts about fear what it is
what it isn’t and some things that you
may not know about fear so first thing
fear is a physical state in your body
that is exactly the same as excitement
let me say that again fear and
excitement are the exact same physical
state your heart races you might sweat a
little bit
you might feel tightening in your chest
you might feel a pit in your stomach you
have a surge of cortisol it’s basically
the way that your body goes into a hyper
aware state because it’s readying for
action now what’s the difference between
fear and excitement really simple the
only difference between fear and
excitement is what your brain is doing
as your body is all agitated if you’re
excited your brains going
wow this is gonna be so cool to ride
this roller coaster if you’re afraid
your brains going oh no way there’s no
way I’m doing that this is dangerous get
out of there don’t do that
it’s saying something different so
what’s critical about understanding this
is that we’re gonna use the fact that
your mind is either working for you for
excitement or against you with fear to
your advantage
I’ll tell you about it in just a minute
how you’re gonna do that second thing I
want you to understand is that you may
have heard the advice feel the fear and
do it anyway
you may have heard the advice oh just
try to calm down think positive thoughts
it doesn’t work does it and there’s a
reason why it doesn’t work so let’s go
back to fact number one when you’re
afraid your body’s in a state of arousal
on agitation and your heart is racing
and you’re all like amped up and you’re
hyper aware of what’s going on and
you’re freaking out a little bit what is
it like when you’re calm it just kind of
chilled right you got like this low
arousal state very very difficult to go
from a state of agitation of being all
jacked up and excited and weirded out uh
to a kind of state it doesn’t work it’s
like trying to stop a train by throwing
a boulder on the tracks it’s gonna make
the train jump off the tracks it’s gonna
cause a disaster in fact they’ve proven
in research that when you try to ignore
your fears it actually makes them worse
and they’ve also proven in research the
positive thinking alone also can make
your fears work worse so what do you do
what do you do when you’re about to go
talk to your boss and you feel afraid
what do you do when you have to get on a
plane and you’re actually terrified of
flying what do you do if you got to give
a presentation and you are afraid of
public speaking here’s what you’re gonna
do you’re gonna use a strategy the same
one that I use that has helped me beat
every single fear and turn me into
somebody that is terrific
when it comes to a high-stress situation
this is how you do it
you’re going to use my five-second rule
in
combination with what I call an anchor
thought and that is going to reframe
what your mind is doing so that your
mind goes from feeling agitation and
making you afraid to reframing it from
agitation to excitement it works like
magic now I have used this technique for
years
literally for years and one of the ways
that I want to introduce you to it is I
want to take you backstage I want to
take you backstage to a speech that I
deliver this year and what you’re gonna
see is you’re gonna see me behind you
know the major set I’m about to walk out
you can kind of hear the crowd roaring
my introductory video is playing my body
is in a state of arousal
I am literally my heart is racing my
arms are sweating like it’s like you’re
gonna see this I’m gonna tell you about
it and you’re gonna watch me use this
same technique I’m gonna teach you to
reframe my nerves into excitement check
this out all right I’m about to go
onstage they’re 7 that was a people out
there and it’s so exciting because what
they don’t know is they’re about to
learn the five-second rule and their
lives will never be the same again now I
got to tell you my heart is racing my
armpits are sweating I have the exact
same physiological feeling as what I’m
afraid but I’m not afraid I’m excited
excitement and fear is the exact same
thing in your body it’s just what your
brain calls it here’s a trick that’s
proven by science that I use every time
I speak when I start to sweat when I
start to have butterflies when I start
to have my heart
I say I’m excited I’m excited to get out
there I’m excited to talk to these
people I’m excited to share the
five-second rule and what that does is
it sends a message to my brain that
tells my brain why my body’s all
agitated and excited and that way I
don’t feel afraid
remember excitement and fear exact same
thing in your body the only difference
is what your brain calls it now I want
to give you one more example just to
make sure that you really get how you
can use this so a lot of you have
written to me about your fear of flying
and I can really relate to that fear
because I used to have the exact same
fear but I used this same strategy to
conquer it here’s how you’re going to do
it so first things first if you’ve got
to do something that really makes you
nervous or that you’re afraid to do
before you’re about to do it come up
with an anchor thought what’s an anchor
thought well an anchor thought is
something that’s going to anchor you so
that you don’t escalate any situation
into a full-blown panic attack or into a
situation where you screw things up it’s
a way for you to anchor yourself so you
maintain control over what you’re
thinking and how you behave so here’s an
example with fly it’s important when
you’re creating an anchor thought to
pick something that is in the proper
context of what you’re afraid to do so
for flying pick an anchor thought that
has to do with the trip that you’re
taking so if I’m boarding a plane to fly
back home to Michigan an anchor thought
might be a picture in my mind of my mom
and I walking on the shores of Lake
Michigan where I grew up that’s a
thought that makes me happy it makes me
excited and it’s also related to the
trip that I’m taking if you have a
conversation that you need to have with
your boss pick an anchor thought about
how you feel after having that
conversation maybe it’s you picking up
the phone and calling somebody that you
you love and saying oh my gosh it went
so well or you know you walking out of
the meeting and feeling like yeah I
survived that conversation I feel pretty
good about myself
so now that you have your anchor thought
you’re ready to beat the fear is the
biggest obstacle that we face Thiago
it’s simple it’s self-doubt it’s not
fear it’s not lack of money it’s not
lack of supporters it’s the fact that
we’ll doubt yourself at critical moments
and here’s the problem is self-doubt
self-doubt doesn’t have to stop you
the problem is self-doubt is that the
second that you feel a little doubtful
the second that you start to question
yourself you physically hesitate
that hesitation has become a habit that
stops you because the moment you
hesitate it wakes up your brain your
brain starts thinking and then you hold
yourself back you guys know I talked
about the five-second rule incessantly
it’s the title of the new book that I’m
writing that’s coming out in 2017 the
five-second rule is a tool that battles
self-doubt because in those moments
those those tiny micro moments when
you’re faced with should I do this or
should I not should I speak in a meeting
should I hold back my ideas should I
have this tough conversation or should I
wait till later
the second you doubt the option of
moving forward
yesterday
then you think then you look back
that’s how it happens every single time
that’s how you sabotage your success
of hesitating
is killing your dreams the single
biggest obstacle in life theater is the
doubt that you feel and the single
biggest mistake that you’re making is
that you hesitate when you feel it and
you start to use the five-second rule in
those moments to just physically move
forward within five seconds
yo man what energizes you and that we
naturally have a tremendous amount of
body wisdom about that and that every
one of us has an internal fuel tank that
is either empty or full and if you’re
empty you feel depleted if you’re full
you feel energized and so if you simply
are in any situation I mean any
situation and you pay attention within
five seconds – does this person energize
me do they deplete me where are they in
the scale you just gain some tremendous
wisdom and you the simple way to start
to figure out who you are and what you
want is start aligning yourself with
more things that energize you so
situationally if you’re lying in bed and
the snooze alarm goes or the arm goes
off and you feel depleted and you start
reaching for the snooze button that’s a
really big sign that you need to get out
of bed now being depleted versus
energized has nothing to do with whether
or not things are hard or easy it has to
do with what naturally actually either
expands you or shrinks you and so if you
look at your client list and measure it
depleted versus energized what shrinks
versus expands me you have the actual
map and when you start to find the
courage to make decisions that energize
you and that expand you whether they’re
scary or not that’s when everything
changes and so that’s how I actually
make business decisions is this I don’t
even like the money conversation comes
second it’s does this deplete or
energize me and if it depletes me how do
you move it in that direction or how do
I stay sane oh if it energizes me how do
I do more because if you are energized
or expanded by something you will do it
for no money you will do it happily and
you will suddenly wake up and say oh my
gosh like my heart I’m pursuing my
passion how did that happen a lot of you
feel stuck because you’re waiting for
some kind of external force to either
push you and pressure you to change and
to be great and to be amazing or you’re
waiting for somebody to give you
permission you’re either sitting back
because you need some sort of external
motivation from somebody that’s gonna
push you or praise you or pressure you
in order to change or some life
circumstance like maybe in your past
you’ve experienced trauma or you faced
something really scary and that was the
thing that made you change and then the
second thing that people wait around for
is permission
look those may or may not come in your
life if you are somebody that is sitting
around waiting for some external force
to come and do the work for you that is
such a losing bet it’s unbelievable
maybe you’ll get lucky maybe somebody
will come but more than likely no one is
coming
the only kind of force that will truly
create change in your life is you the
internal kind of force I hate to say it
but for those of you that feel really
really stuck and you keep thinking that
somebody’s got to pick me or somebody’s
gonna discover me or somebody’s got to
give me permission to write this book
it’s it’s ridiculous this is external
and what you have to figure out if
you’re stuck is are you the kind of
person that is guilty of needing wanting
and waiting for external forces people
an event some outside force to kick you
in the ass they’ll finally do the stuff
that you’ve been dreaming about doing I
want to tell you something no one’s
coming no one the people in life that
get what they want are the ones that
aren’t waiting for an external force to
validate their dreams to inspire them to
give them permission it’s the people
that realize that success but happiness
that control it comes from the internal
force and what is the internal force
it’s you it’s you it’s you being able to
realize that no one’s gonna do the work
for you it’s you realizing that you’re
never gonna feel ready
in fact even as you start working toward
the things that you really want to do
you’re definitely not gonna feel ready
and you’re gonna feel outside your
comfort zone and that’s normal when you
start to feel like you’re stretching
yourself and you’re sticking your
scrawny neck out there and you’re taking
some risks that’s amazing cuz you’re
growing trying to become a fashion and
beauty blogger and Mert and earn money
from it full time but I have some kind
of mental block and procrastination
problem is this is something that we see
over and over and over again and it’s
this idea that you don’t ever start you
stay trapped in your head and if you
feel paralyzed if you’ve been spinning
the same ideas over and over and over
again then you know what I’m talking
about you see many of you are thinking
way too big you’re attaching way too
much pressure on the things that you’re
interested in until you start blogging
about fashion
you won’t even know if you like it so
thinking that you have a dream about
doing it and thinking that you have this
grand plan that you’re gonna do it
full-time it is a complete and utter
waste of your time to be dreaming that
big and let me tell you why because
oftentimes if you’re the kind of person
like Vicky that’s getting trapped up
here the bigness of
you’re thinking about is what’s stopping
you what I want you to do if you’re in
Vicki’s situation is I want you to stop
dreaming and I want you to just start
doing small things I want you to go back
to curiosity and less into crushing your
big goals the thing about life and
business and success is that you have to
be willing to start and for people that
procrastinate starting is the hardest
part for people that worry for people
that think too big starting is the
hardest part folks that study
procrastination talk about the fact that
the only way to beat procrastination is
to create what they call a starting
ritual which is a way to push yourself
to get started because all the research
shows that if we can push you to get
started on something you’ll likely keep
going spend a lot of time talking about
mindset from the standpoint of think
positive so positive things happen and I
do believe in having a positive mindset
obviously I think that the actions that
you take are way more important in terms
of developing that mindset but we don’t
spend enough time on what you were just
talking about which is understanding how
the automatic nature of worrying about
stuff all day long how that is making
you less money how it is making you less
happy how it is disconnecting you from
your spouse how it is keeping you
unhealthy and how it is a habit that
robs you of joy and opportunity and
power and it is one of the easiest
habits to break number one your life
happens in five-second windows number
two in five seconds you can control what
you think you can decide what you’re
going to do and you can change
absolutely anything which changes
absolutely everything and so the
five-second rule is a mind trick that’s
all that it is a fancy way to call it as
a you know it’s a form of metacognition
but it’s basically a hack it’s a cheat
code okay and the way that it works and
this is the challenge with getting it
out there is that it sounds so
profoundly stupid like a gimmick that it
took a while for people to actually take
it seriously I get that and to really
stack up the science to make you know
anybody that interacts with it go holy
like this actually works yeah so
here’s what it is basically the moment
you catch yourself hesitating or
doubting or starting to worry or about
to chicken out or shrink or shut up or
whatever it is that you’re about to do
that is shrinking your power you just go
5 4 3 2 1 you count backwards 5 4 3 2 1
what happens when you do that don’t do
it out loud because it’ll scare somebody
it’s like going although you know we I
say it’s it’s so simple that people live
skip into making love that because that
means I’ve really made it through your
kids will use it on you so my kids will
use it on me so if I have a certain tone
that comes out I’ll hear my child will
go 5 4 through watch that tone mom you
know just alright mom 5 4 3 2 and I
thought you’re gonna go to the gym yes
so by counting backwards the the kind of
cheat code that you’re doing in your
mind is you are interrupting what are
called habit loops that get encoded in
the central part of your brain and you
are starting up the prefrontal cortex
it’s a little trick that causes focus
and it’s it’s a lot like having a mantra
because you’re shifting gears but the
thing about having a mantra is and I
suppose that as you count backwards more
and more and more you become used to it
but it becomes a habit that triggers
action so what you do is go 5 4 3 2 1
cut off this part of the brain awaken
this part of the brain and then move and
what happens with the counting backwards
is there’s nowhere to go after one
and your mind is socialized in a
countdown situation to go and so
counting up won’t work because you can
keep going forever and you do it in many
aspects of your life so it’s actually
not something that requires any focus
I’m the kind of person that believes you
should always make decisions with your
heart and soul you can use your brain
for math you can use your brain to look
at the fine print in a contract but when
it comes to the actual feel of the
decision you always want to go inward
and check it against your heart and soul
how do you do that here’s the simple
test does the decision that you’re about
to make expand you expand your future or
expand the possibilities of your life if
the answer is yes then the decision is
yes no matter how terrifying it is if
you conversely look at the choice that
you have to make and the decision will
shrink you will silence you will inhibit
you in some way then the answer is no no
matter how easy the decision is no
matter how safe the decision is the
answer is no now one of the things I
want to point out that when you start to
use this does it expand or does it
shrink me does it open possibilities or
does it keep things closed does it raise
my voice or does it silence me right is
that there’s always a short-term and a
long-term impact to the decision the
short-term impact to making an expansive
decision a decision that’s based in your
heart in your soul sometimes it’s
terrifying
because sometimes it means moving or it
means changing a job or changing a
relationship or having a difficult
conversation or starting something new
and those sorts of things are always
uncomfortable so brace for impact
put the force fields up but make the
decision anyway because the long-term
impact of making a decision from your
heart and soul that is where the best
life comes from because you’re living
for what’s true for you
not what’s safe in the moment I think
everybody has fear all wrong people have
so many theories about fear they talk
about oh I’m afraid of success know I’m
afraid of failure I’m afraid of intimacy
I’m afraid of heights I’m afraid of this
I’m afraid of that I’m afraid of the
other thing there’s actually only two
fears only two and if you’re in sales
which you are or even if you’re not
life is about persuading people life is
about influencing people and fear is the
invisible force that will make you
ineffective at that it will stop you now
I love JK Rollins as an example I mean
we all know the Harry Potter series but
what a lot of people don’t know about
her she talks a lot about fear she
struggled with major depression do you
know she was unemployed and she wrote
the original idea for Harry Potter on a
napkin while she was on state benefits
she was then rejected by 12 publishing
houses and this by the way was after she
was divorced bankrupt and a single mom
of a kid pushed herself pushed herself
pushed herself she talks a lot about
fear and about failure well you know we
know the moral of the story she just
kept going of course she was afraid but
she had the good kind of fear not the
bad kind of fear first things first when
I wake up in the morning and I do not
sleep next to my phone the reason why I
don’t sleep next to my phone is because
if
sleep next to it or use it as your alarm
your tendency is to look at it while
you’re in bed that means that you’re
checking email before you’ve even
thought about what your priorities are
do not do that that’s tip number one tip
number two I have a pad of post-it notes
yes post-it notes next to my sink in
that my bathroom
well because after I brush my teeth
haven’t looked at my phone yet I take a
post-it note out and I write the three
things I need to focus on today and then
you know what I do with it I stick it on
the back of my phone now why would I do
that because I have my phone with me all
the time and so if it’s on the back of
my phone I’m gonna get a visual cue to
remind me I keep it top of mine so I
stay focused on it third thing that I do
it’s a little trick I call 30 before
7:30 what that means I spend 30 minutes
before 7:30 a.m. just focused on getting
my day organized and getting a few of
the things that are my top priorities
either finished or further down the
field
that’s 30 minutes before 7:30 a.m.
that’s time for me if you utilize those
three things don’t sleep with your phone
right after you brush your teeth right
out your three priorities and stick it
on the back of your phone just like this
and spend 30 minutes before 7:30 for
yourself I promise you you’ll be shocked
and how much more focused you are and
Newfield many of you are sitting around
waiting to feel ready you can still move
forward when you’re not ready too many
of you are waiting to feel like you
deserve to make six figures it’s about
the action your mind your history your
past you will always have a million
excuses not to do it not to feel like it
not to believe in yourself they’re all
the only thing that matters in your life
and your business is the actions that
you’re taking and then the more
consistently that you take action the
faster you will start to believe in
yourself because you will see proof that
you are not the kind of person that sits
around and feels unworthy that you’re
not a victim that sits by and get sucked
into other people’s stuff that you’re
not that kind of person so it won’t make
sense
anymore but it starts action I believe
in all of you and I believe in your
ability to get it done but it’s gonna be
up to you who is the problem yeah who is
the solution that’s right don’t wait to
feel like it that it’s the biggest
mistake you could possibly make it
remember that you’re smart remember that
you know what to do and just get it done
what’s fascinates me about human beings
and it fascinates me about myself is
that we have such a high tolerance for
suckiness isn’t it crazy as long as the
suckiness as a routine but the second
you get thrown out of your routine or
the second that whether it’s because you
lose a job or somebody moves or somebody
dies or somebody breaks up with you or
you break like all of a sudden that
awakens the courage in you to make a
change because she you know either you
have no choice or now you’ve got a
problem to solve but fighting that
inertia of life is the most difficult
thing in the world I ended up getting a
job with a law firm because it was the
path of least resistance in Boston in
Boston I hated it because I went from
being in the courtroom to writing briefs
all day and luckily I got pregnant with
our first daughter who just is starting
college which makes me feel so ancient I
just want to like punch myself in the
face if I have a 18 year old freshman in
college um thank you but I got pregnant
with her and when she was born I had
horrific postpartum depression Wow I
mean the really scary kind where you
can’t be alone with the baby you’re on
crazy meds that turn you at not the kind
you take recreationally yeah these are
the kind that like turn you into a
zombie and it was a really scary thing
and I I when I kind of came out of the
eight-week trance of that I looked up at
Chris and said I’ve made a decision and
he said okay what would that be and I
I don’t ever want to answer the question
what do you do for a living with the
response I’m a lawyer and he said okay
you realize we’ve just bought this house
and we have a kid and we have orders to
pay and he said so here’s the deal
you’ve got exactly four weeks before
your maternity leave is over
you need to make $60,000 I don’t care
what you do for a living that’s your
problem go solve it and the night before
I was supposed to read so I networked
like a crazy person cuz again if you’re
a human being with a problem
you’ll solve it yeah and so if it
matters enough to you and so I got a job
and this was the first combo in Boston I
got a job the night before I was
supposed to go back I’ve been in the
media business for ten years when I tell
you that things have changed 1,000% let
me just give you an example my first
media deal I was signed by ABC that’s
right ABC the big dog crazy syndicated
shows I was signed by them to do a
talk-show deal now do you know what that
meant there was some executive that was
looking out over the sea of talent they
were meeting with agents they were
picking people they were doubting you
and then guess what if they did pick you
they owned everything they told you what
to do Oprah’s son anomaly the game was
gatekeepers a few media players a sea of
competition total scarcity now what is
it today holy it’s unbelievable if you
have an iPhone you can have a show if
you have an idea and you’re willing to
put it out there and you’re willing to
start sharing yourself on social media
you have a syndication platform there is
no one doubting you except for you and
that’s why I’m sitting here imploring
you I’m telling you right now if you
have a business if you have aspirations
if you have a dream the single biggest
opportunity in front of you is to put it
out on social
to start talking about the things that
interest you to start sharing your ideas
sharing and documenting what you’re up
to
I guarantee you you start doing that and
you’re gonna start amassing an audience
that you had no idea was out there dying
to connect with you to learn from you
and to grow with you gave a speech
yesterday in Dallas after the speech it
was a big audience of people in
financial services a guy dressed to the
nines and like one of these super slick
suits comes up to me he says hey Mel you
know really loved the five-second rule
do you mind if I give you some feedback
feedback ah don’t you hate getting
feedback and then when people actually
preface it by saying can I give you some
feedback I don’t know about you but
literally my butt’s like it just cannot
and it I immediately go on edge but
here’s the thing about feedback you have
to take it you have to take it it is
critical critical critical critical so I
want to tell you number one what the guy
said to me my reaction and then I want
to give you my philosophy about feedback
because what the guy said to me was so
valuable and it was also really hard for
me to hear Here I am
after the speech were surrounded by a
big group of people he walks up to me
and says when it’s his turn in the line
can I give you some feedback
I immediately tense up and this is what
he says Mel I love the concept of the
five-second rule super cool idea can’t
wait to try it okay now comes the punch
of a gun he said you called it stupid so
many times during the speech it was
off-putting
doesn’t that sound terrible that word
and he said I could tell that you were
doing it on purpose he’s right in fact
you called it stupid so many times and
yet you have these insanely powerful
examples of how people are using it you
came off as defensive when he said this
to me I’m literally you know how you
feel like you’re shrinking in life or
you’re like standing and your full size
then all of a sudden somebody says
something you’re like I just want to
disappear right now and the reason why I
was such a zinger is he was right he was
absolutely right you see I do call the
five-second rule stupid because I’m in
front of so many analytical audiences
in front of skeptics all the time and so
I use it as a pre-emptive way to
disappear the biggest push back on the
five-second rule which is on its face it
sounds so stupid and so simple there’s
no way it could be so powerful the
problem is I’ve gotten lazy and I say it
too much he’s a hundred percent right
and by hearing that feedback I can make
a really simple tweak to my speech I can
call it stupid once or twice in the very
beginning and then I can transition to
calling it something that’s very simple
and powerful now that’s gonna help me
reach more people with the five-second
rule and here’s what I want to say about
feedback feedback is intense to receive
it really is because you are exposing
yourself to critical opinions it will
make you feel very vulnerable the way
that I handle feedback and process it
I’m very clear about the things that I
will receive feedback on and I’m very
clear about the things that I will not
receive feedback on and the reason why
is if you don’t listen to any feedback
at all guys you’re never gonna improve
you’re not gonna ever do anything new so
no feedback means nothing new if you
listen to everything that everybody says
in terms of feedback if you allow
everybody to weigh in on everything it’s
gonna become so paralyzing that you will
do nothing new so the key with feedback
is knowing yourself and knowing what you
actually accept feedback on and knowing
what you don’t accept feedback on so
many of us have this perfectionism gene
and the reason why we’re perfectionists
is we’re trying to insulate ourselves
from criticism that if you get it
perfect no one will give you feedback if
you get it right nobody’s going to
criticize you if you do it perfect then
no one will be able to attack you and
the problem with that and that’s just
another side of the same coin which is
the fear of disappointing people you’re
managing not disappointing people not by
lying and not by being codependent but
by actually trying to be a perfectionist
so that nobody criticizes you so let me
tell you a story about the fear of
disappointing people in my own life
because this is the biggest trigger in
my life I mean it goes back to being in
fourth grade right it’s there and this
is an
other thing I have to remind myself of
this everybody every single day you
cannot remove the things that trigger
you you can’t if you’ve been doing a
pattern since fourth grade there will be
things for the rest of your life that
will trigger that pattern to come up but
you can always choose not to repeat the
pattern so you’ll be triggered and be
afraid that you’re gonna disappoint
somebody that’s real that’s normal it’s
natural it’s part of being a human being
I think it’s interwove and into every
relationship where you love somebody but
you don’t have to behave the way that
you always behaved when you’re nervous
about disappointing somebody so let me
give you a dumb story you ready when my
husband and I got married my father gave
us this really incredible gift he gave
us an antique pool table I grew up in
Muskegon Michigan where Brunswick was
founded and my dad has a hobby of going
to garage sales and estate sales and
buying old dilapidated pool tables and
then he restores them so when Chris and
I got married he bought us an old
dilapidated pool table from the same era
as our house which is the 1870s he
restored the whole thing and then
recently he and I rented a u-haul and we
drove this sucker from Muskegon Michigan
to Boston Massachusetts my dad and I
took a road trip get there and we
assemble the pool table in what used to
be our playroom fast forward three or
four years the speaking business takes
off my business starts to grow we have
people that work for us and my kids are
older we don’t need a playroom we need
an office the pool table is in the
middle of this thing for the first two
years of having the office we kept the
pool table there
why because I didn’t want my dad to be
disappointed because I loved him now he
visits our house twice a year for two or
three days with my mom and I kept this
thing occupying 1/3 of our office for
two years and then I realized I’m being
ridiculous I’m being absolutely
ridiculous now here’s the thing
will he be disappointed if I take the
pool table down absolutely definitely
they’re always going to be things that
you do decisions that you have to make
in your life in your business for your
family that will
disappoint other people it’s unavoidable
but the fact that he’s going to be
disappointed should never be the reason
that I don’t do something that is
aligned with my values now let’s take it
a step further when you make a decision
that is likely going to disappoint
people or that does still make the
decision because it’s your life there’s
nothing worse than when you start to rob
your future and your life and your
happiness because you’re so focused on
other people however if you love people
you can still take care of them when you
make that decision so let me go back to
the example of the pool table so I knew
I was gonna take it down I knew my
father was gonna be disappointed I was
disappointed I don’t have a big house so
I don’t eat you know I don’t have the
room for a huge pool table I don’t have
a finished basement like a lot of people
I don’t have like a cool garage game
room thing like I just don’t happen I
called him first and said I need to talk
to you about something you know the pool
table I love the pool table dad my
business is growing so much I actually
need an office and all great will be
great in the office and I’m like wow
yeah would accept I have you know
through four people showing up we got to
put some desks in there for now even
went out while you could put a piece of
plywood and they could work on the pool
table and then they could do the thing
and then the thing and now my heart is
racing because I don’t want to
disappoint my dad and now he’s fighting
for the and I had to just say for me Dad
here’s what’s gonna happen I’m gonna
hire professional movers in the pool
table business to disassemble this with
love and care we were gonna store it
beautifully when I either get a
full-time office off-site or I build a
barn or I build a different house this
will have its own beautiful room
dedicated to you so we had this
beautiful conversation now was he
disappointed absolutely when they come
to the house and visit which they just
did and they walk into the office do I
feel a pang you better believe I do
it doesn’t matter that’s all normal I
still need to make the decisions that I
need to make and the difference what’s
changed is how I relate to that fear so
instead of what I would do in the past
is I would make a
that doesn’t serve me I’d leave the pool
table and then I’d be all about it I’d
leave the pool table as a way to make my
dad happy but it made me miserable to
leave it there because I need the space
right and then I’d be kind of annoyed
and then he’d come and I’d fake play
pool because I kind of want to run you
know you know you know what I’m saying
like we do all this but that’s not real
and what I’ve been able to do for myself
in some instances when I sketch it is to
hit it head-on and to be authentic and
to still take care of people and what
I’ve also come to learn is that people
can be disappointed in you and they
still love you you know you’re never
gonna get around this everybody in your
family is gonna be disappointed with you
probably wants a day probably and you
have the ability to retrain how you
respond to that trigger that rises up in
you where you start to fear that you’re
disappointing somebody and the answer
really is make the decision that’s
aligned with your values and the thing
that supports you and then take care of
the person by being honest and
straightforward about it dealing with
their disappointment head-on because
that’s really the adult thing to do and
that’s what you do when you love
somebody the way we’ve all been handling
it myself included is manipulation lying
resentment withholding and that doesn’t
serve anybody my life changed a couple
years ago when I discovered something
called the progress principle it is a
principle that was written about in the
Harvard Business Review it’s based on a
tremendous amount of research done by a
professor over there and what she
determined is that people that feel
happy and successful and fulfilled by
their lives and work they all have one
thing in common they feel as though
they’re making progress on something
that matters so I read this little bit
of research and I started applying it to
my life and what I do as stupid as it
sounds it really works I don’t focus on
balancing everything I focus on just
making sure that I make progress on one
thing a day that’s right you heard me
one thing a day that matters to me now
if I can make progress on one thing a
day that matters to me
then I can let go and let the rest of my
day get hijacked by kids by spouse by
phone calls by emails by social media by
all kinds of things that come up and
tend to hijack your day when you’re a
busy person when you have a family when
you’re married when you got a lot going
on and so by focusing on one thing a day
I feel the sense of control in the sense
of progress that science tells us will
make you happy and make you feel more
confident and actually make you more
effective at getting things done it also
frees me up to be more present with my kids
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