Press "Enter" to skip to content

“I am the HOSTAGE Negotiator” – #UnlockingLily Ep. 13


hello everyone welcome to another
episode of unlocking lily so I have a
dream to live in a world where we could
all move towards our truest potential
but just what led me to leave my
corporate job to work in mentor under
Evan today we’re building a business
around my speaking and coaching and all
of you are invited to go on my start of
journey so far many of you have been
following my journey and becoming a
speaker I have spoken at TEDx I have
spoken at congregations I’ve even spoken
at libraries and I love it and I have
many many more speaking engagements
coming my way so look out for that but I
do have another love and that is being a
coach I have coached hundreds of
entrepreneurs in finding their one word
and helping it them out with their
business and life and I’m always looking
for ways to grow as a coach and to
become better so today I will be
attending a workshop called
the art of communication so it’s based
on emotional intelligence so I want to
see how I can learn and apply that to my
own coaching and see how emotional
intelligence is actually relevant to our
business world and how we run our
businesses day to day so what is
emotional intelligence emotional
intelligence is basically our capability
and understanding our own milk emotion
which is having the self-awareness and
also understanding other people’s
emotions as well witches are empathy
towards each other
hey everyone its Lily here I’m here with
my new friend Jeff Crane and Jeff queen
is a founder of adaptive mist insights
correct correct yes so we came across
Jeff through his website at – adaptive
miss calm and I saw that you do tons of
work with entrepreneurs and I believe
that emotional intelligence extremely
important for the success of
entrepreneurs and I want to get your
insight on it I get it your insight on
it okay there you go
so Jeff for the folks that don’t know
you I want to find out from you what is
your overall mission for this why are
you doing this in the first place
well when we started adaptiveness when
we recognized that emotional and social
competencies were things that everybody
seemed to understand on some an
intuitive level but at the same time
they seemed to to elude a lot of people
specifically the advanced more advanced
stuff so when I work with entrepreneurs
work with professionals some of the
things that bubble up out of the
conversations are things like how do I
get people to work together how do I
deal with all these the stresses of
being an entrepreneur how do I deal with
change and adapt to to this constant
change that’s happening around me then
in addition there’s a self-reflection
all kinds of skills that that we
recognize as being important so that’s
what we that’s what we want to help
people develop self-reflection is very
important part of the work that I do is
walking them through a process called
your one word where we discover what
your most important core value is as a
human being wonderful I spoke about your
one word right isn’t one word that
describes Jeff hmm that’s a good
question what is the essence of Jeff
resilient resilient that came up pretty
fast actually so I’m a coach and I
work with a whole slew of people like I
said hundreds of entrepreneurs I come
across people who are like super open
like they well they’re like this is my
problem
help me fix it now but those are I
wouldn’t say those are easy but I know
that they’re being honest with me and
and then sometimes I’m a car come across
people were like super closed off and
and then I kind of have to do a lot of
digging myself to to figure out what it
is like how do you handle that situation
for yourself um one of the things that I
espouse is be a really good listener
well one of the things we’re gonna talk
about in the workshop is reflective
listening people will divulge things to
you often
but only if there’s a sense of trust
some people are gonna be freer with
information than others um but even the
most taciturn person will talk to you if
they feel that that you’re hearing them
so yeah I think listening skills are the
best way to draw that stuff out
executive communication it’s it’s being
able to maintain faith in the face of
adversity so lots of different
techniques are essential I I do I
practice my listening skills every
conversation I try to do better I try to
be flexible
I work on my patience that tends to be
important for me so let’s talk more
about listening skills because it’s very
important yeah so what are the some of
the things that I can do to be a better
listener okay well um the first thing
you can do is look at attending so I
would say well we’re talking right now
you’re attending skills are very good
right you’re you’re you’ve got an open
position the only thing between us is
the microphone and that probably
wouldn’t be here if we were just having
a regular conversation um your demeanor
is open and I feel like I can trust you
when I talk to you so right away you’re
attending skills are very good the next
step is how do you listen do you listen
by asking questions do you listen by
holding on to a thought and it’s tough
for you as an interviewer because you
might grab on to a thought and want to
stay with it but problem is I’m still
talking and if you’re way back there
when you finally do ask your question it
might not be relevant to the thing that
I had just
said anymore so that’s a challenge
making sure that you were always in the
moment and what I try to do is not ask
questions at all what I try to do is
just state things back so if you if you
talk to me about about your day telling
me something I will just state back what
I observe usually that’s enough to get
you to want to tell me more stuff right
um
I’ll use different techniques like
minimal encouragers I will that’s a
minimal encouragement oh it’s this stuff
you can use it for good or evil right so
um it’s like uh-huh oh yes you can
so if I make little line noises like you
know uh-huh going okay yeah you betcha
you know these types of things they’re
just little little particles that I
pepper
um what that does is it gets you to say
okay he’s actually listening I will keep
talking um but I can also use those for
evil by you know saying uh-huh right
I mean you use them as distractors as
well and it’s pretty transparent when
one is being used for which well I could
also do is I paraphrase so I will say
the last thing that you said in my own
words I will talk about what I observe
so I’m one of the things I used to get
route razzed all the time is you know
what I’m hearing is and then I would
paraphrase whatever I whatever you just
said what that does is it gives the
opportunity if you if I’m incorrect that
you can either correct me or say yes
that’s correct in either case you don’t
feel that you’ve been judged or
evaluated or anything and that’s
important too I like that I like that
going in and think what I’m hearing is
this because if you if you could
potentially be wrong yeah that is true
what I’m hearing is whatever state
whatever they’re saying when do you go
in and say something like that like when
you’re fifty percent sure ten percent
sure well when you’re listening you’re
constantly adjusting right so you’re
you’re basically while a person is
talking is you’re building a picture in
your own in your own line of what your
interpretation of the scenario is
usually about it halfway through I’ll
interject something um but again it
there’s no hard fast rules but winds do
that you just kind of um as the picture
is unfolding if you think you need
clarification then you throw a statement
out but keep it as a statement and keep
the statement reflective so it’s yeah
think back whatever they gave you any
last words for our friends watching my
goodness um I guess hmm
where can we find you so if you if you
want to find me I’m a tad optimist calm
I’m an adoptive missed on Facebook and
Twitter here you’ll find me all over
social media if you go to the website
you can download a free workbook on how
to develop your own emotional
intelligence and of course there’s more
programs and stuff on the way and how
can we be more resilient today hmm I
think like I said before don’t take
anything for granted
that’s the one thing that I think has
helped me at the most is once upon a
time I would when things happen to me
that I didn’t agree with her I didn’t
like I would sort of get really down in
the dumps um anything that happens to
you as an opportunity and just look at
it like that everything that happens to
you I love it thank you so much chef
thanks lovely you Cheers looking forward
to it awesome okay everyone so I
finished um doing my interview with Jeff
crane so I’m quick quick recap on how we
came across Jeff we looked on his
website adaptive miss calm and realized
that he was doing a workshop in
Peterborough which is not that far away
from Toronto so I thought it’d be a
really good idea to do the workshop as
well as some get some insights on him on
how to be a better listener how to
increase my self awareness as well as be
a better entrepreneur so in the
interview that I had with him it further
solidified something that I’ve always
believed in in order to do anything well
it has to be practiced again and
again so in this case we’re talking
about emotional intelligence so for him
Jeff said that he saw has to practice he
had to practice his listening skills he
has to practice all sorts of other
things and I think we’re gonna be going
through a lot of the techniques as well
during the workshop I’ll be going back
into the workshop very soon and you guys
gonna see a little bit of us a peek as
well so I just got out of the workshop
there was a lot of great stuff that was
taught within the two hours I think I’m
gonna go home and digest all the
information and I will share with you
guys what I have learned from the
workshop and how I can apply to my
coaching and my life perhaps so I’ll see
you on the road so during the workshop
he spoke a lot about how to become more
assertive so what is being assertive
being assertive simply means that you
stand up for what you believe in while
respecting the values of others so in a
way you’re saying that I care about me I
don’t care about you – it is the most
ideal situation to be in
however it’s a lot easier said than done
so I’m gonna be sharing with you two
techniques that I learned from the
workshop to help you become more
assertive technique number one is a
fogging technique you want to use this
when you’re dealing with someone who is
extremely aggressive or angry towards
you you’re basically acting as a fog
because your objective is to calm the
situation down so that way you can have
a more reasonable conversation with this
person so here’s an example on how to
use the fogging technique do you know
what time it is you are so late I say
that I’m later than usual later than
usual you are thirty minutes late you
should really care about what people
think next time yes I am later than
usual and I could see that you are very
upset about it
upset upset is an understatement I was
so worried about you
I was ensured that you would be worried
about my work
okay so why are you late here a few
things to keep in mind when you are
using the fogging technique number one
is you have to keep your calm I know
this is a solar to do it especially when
you’re dealing with someone who’s
hurling all sorts of insults at you but
you have to remember this your objective
is to calm the situation down until
you’re able to have a reasonable
negotiation with this person number two
is that you have to validate their
feelings because they are feeling upset
for a reason by you showing them empathy
and showing them that you recognize what
they’re feeling is not wrong they’re
much more likely to be receptive towards
you versus if you were to just dismiss
their feelings all together because
ultimately what you’re trying to do is
come up with a solution that both of you
can be happy with the outcome technique
number two is a broken record technique
this is when you know what your right is
and you’re trying to stand up for it and
you’re trying to get your way and it
works anywhere from trying to get your
daughter to do something or to get a
refund from a store clerk so here’s an
example on how to use the broken record
technique so what can I help you with I
bought the issues last week the heel
broke on it and I would like a refund
please clearly you wore those so you’re
not getting a refund I thought they
should last me the heel broke on it I
know would like a refund please you
clearly were those and on the label it
says their occasional wear and you Ward
every day so you’re not going to get
your refund I bought these shoes last
week the heel broke on it and I would
like a refund please okay I’ll get my
manager here a few things to keep in
mind when you are using the broken
record technique number one is your
ottoman
you’re calm very similar to the fogging
technique you want to make sure that
you’re the calm one in this situation
because when you deal you with someone
who doesn’t want to give you what you
want they’re going to get increasingly
upset as a time goes on and you want to
make sure that you keep you son state
you keep your composure and you’re the
calm one in the situation and ultimately
you will get what you rightfully deserve
number two is you want to stay
consistent both with your voice tone and
with your words so if you saw what I did
I can’t say the heel of my shoe broke
off I would like a refund lace the heel
my my shoe broke off I would like a
refund please over and over and over and
over right now because imagine someone’s
gonna break and you want to make sure
that person is not you because
ultimately what you’re trying to do is
to get while you rightfully deserve and
not to infringe on the rights of others
so it’s really a win-win situation for
everybody so here they are I shared with
you two techniques to help you with your
certificates
member what is the fogging technique and
number two is a broken record technique
but something very interesting came out
after the workshop when I had a brief
conversation with Jeff that he compared
being a person to change someone’s
behavior is as important as being a
hostage negotiator and that to me
completely opened up my mind to
something else
because what happens when a hostage
negotiator does not succeed in a
negotiation the people’s in the Hisense
day people could potentially die so I
adopted the same mindset in every single
coaching sessions that I did since then
I raise the importance in my role I am
the hostage negotiator what I do could
potentially change the course of
someone’s life and number two the person
sitting across from me is to raise their
importance to the point that their
change is gonna help them save their
lives and I know you’re probably
thinking like this is so crazy but I
have seen drastic changes since I have
changed my mindset around it and that
goes for everything that we do but we
just simply don’t place enough and
importance in the things that we do
whether if it’s you know finishing your
homework going out for a workout
procrastinating all sorts of things if
you just raised the stakes and raised
the importance that saw yourself as a
hostage negotiator and if you don’t do
the thing that you’re supposed to do
right now you are going to potentially
risk the lives of others it’s going to
definitely get you off your butt and do
the things that are important to you and
I have a special shadow for d-von Trish
Devon thank you so much for writing that
really speak comment on my last episode
it really does mean a lot to me and
finally the question of the day is which
one of the three techniques are you
going to use the fogging technique the
broken record or the hostage negotiator
or all three leave in the comments below
and I’ll join in on the discussion thank
you so much for watching and more
importantly being on this journey with
me and I think I’ve said this before but
I’ll say it again I really hope I get to
see you guys in person one day so I can
give you guys a big giant hug in person
but until then I have the comfort and
knowing that you guys are all watching
and write in the comments and I feel
like we’re all in this together
so thanks again I don’t see you guys
very very soon good bye raise your
standard Apple at the core its core
value is that we believe that people
with passion can not one drop of myself
work depends on your acceptance of me I
don’t ever give up I’d have to be dead
or completely incapacitated hey believe
nation if you want to see my all-time
favorite top 10 most a success I have a
very special secret video for you these
are the individual Clips that I have
personally learned the most from and
applied to my life and my business check
the link in description for details
Please follow and like us: