let me tell you how I find myself here
today my pursuit is a personal one that
is not an academic one nor has it ever
been a commercial one my pursuit began a
few years ago when I lost my passion for
what I was doing I ran my own small
business and after a few years of doing
that my passion went away I can’t
explain it I kind of put it any other
way
I didn’t enjoy get out of bed anymore
people gave me silly advice like do what
you love I was doing the same thing I
didn’t love it anymore you know follow
your passion yet we all know that but
how do you do that these are not helpful
and so I can I enter droite can best be
described as a depression where being
the leader of an organization where
people relied on me for direction and
intent and salaries and everything else
I doubted my capacity for leadership and
the biggest mistake I made that I
learned the hard way is as a leader I
did not have to know all the answers and
if I didn’t I didn’t have to pretend
that I did that was the biggest mistake
that I made I always thought I had to
know the answers and I thought that if I
didn’t I had to pretend that I did and
the more that I pretended that I had all
the answers or the the harder my the
harder getting out of bed every morning
became to the point where I became
depressed and it was a discovery that I
made that every single organization on
the planet even our own careers always
functions on the same three levels what
we do how we do it why we do it those
three must be in balance we all know
what we do that’s the job we perform the
actions we take our MOS whatever the
functional things you do what do you do
I am a student what do you do I’m a
teacher whatever it is right some of us
know how we do what we do these are the
things that we think make us different
or special or stand out from the crowd
the reason we think we deserve the job
or the promotion of the recognition what
makes us better than everyone else right
what what’s your unique ability but very
few of us can clearly articulate why we
do it we do and by why I don’t mean to
make money I don’t mean to protect the
nation those are results if you do your
job well the nation will be protected
they’re not the reason that we get out
of bed in the morning philosophically
they may be but nobody jumps out of the
bed and in the morning going another day
to protect the country it’s just not
happening and so realizing that I didn’t
know my why I became obsessed with it
and I figured out how to find my why and
more importantly I figured out how to
help others find theirs and not
surprisingly as we do when we discover
something beautiful we share it with the
people we love you see a great movie you
tell your friends go see the great movie
you know we do that all the time and so
having restored my passion to levels
that I had never experienced before the
first thing I did was tell all my
friends I told my friend about this
thing called why they had to learn there
why and I my friends started making
crazy life changes changing jobs
changing careers feeling the effects
that I had felt their passion restored
to levels they too had never experienced
prior they invited me to their homes to
share it with their friends I would
literally show up in someone’s apartment
and tell their friends about this thing
that I had discovered called the why
that’s how it began and people just kept
inviting me and I just kept saying yes
and somebody I said you should write a
book about it I said okay somebody
introduced me to the God and business
publishing a man by the name of Adrian
Zach Haim is the original publisher from
good to great publishers all have codons
books and so the folklore goes I had a
29 minute meeting with him in 3 days
later I had a book deal
so I don’t know what it takes to get a
book deal because I didn’t follow with
the process and he sat in a room with an
unknown guy I mean I was total unknown
the only thing I had was my sense of
purpose and my idealism that’s all I had
and I sat in his office for 29 minutes
and told him what I believed not what I
did not what made me qualified but what
I believed and the world that I imagined
and he was inspired enough to take the
risk on me which I’m immensely grateful
for and the more I became a student of
this thing called the why the more it
worked and the more others were
interested and I started to attract
people who believe what I believe who
wanted to build the world that I
imagined I imagined a world in which the
vast majority of us wake up every single
day inspired to go to work and return
home at the end of the day fulfilled by
the work that we do
that doesn’t mean that you have to like
every day we don’t like our children
every day but we love them every day
right you don’t have to like your job
every day you do get to love it every
day and those who believed what I
believed as predicted by this magical
little formula called the Golden Circle
raised their hand and said how can we
help build this world and we became
compatriots in this noble pursuit but
another problem emerged sometimes it’s
so attractive and sometimes it’s so
inspiring that so many people show up
and you don’t know who shows up
selflessly and who’s showing up
selfishly and I had a few experiences in
my own life that caught me by surprise
because I kept meeting people who said
all the right things they said they
believe what I believe they said they
wanted to do what I believed and then
help me and when push came to shove when
problems emerged they disappeared I’d
exposed myself made myself vulnerable
shared all of my everything I knew all
the people I knew because I believed it
was the noble pursuit they were joining
me and only to find out they wanted to
take not to give and so now I didn’t
know who to trust and the question is
what happens when you when somebody
violates your trust you completely pull
back do you put the walls up so high
that you don’t let anyone in
simultaneously I’ve been given many
invitations to visit with various
branches the military and spent a lot of
time with the Air Force spent some time
with the Marines and kept meeting people
who believed in sacrifice who believed
in service I’d met people who’d risk
their lives for others and I couldn’t
understand how all of these people that
I was meeting in the military was so
different than the people that I
interacted with in private sector in the
military you give medals to people who
were willing to sacrifice themselves so
that others may gain in business they
give bonuses to people who willing to
sacrifice others so we may gain it’s
backwards and so the best assessment I
could make is they’re just better people
they’re just better human beings and
because they’re better human beings
they’re attracted to this concept of
military service and that’s why you find
a disproportionately high number of
these better people in these
organizations that was my assessment
but I was wrong because I’m not
satisfied with that answer and so I set
out to understand why are they better
what is in their genetic code that makes
these people better
like what breakfast are their parents
eating that would produce these children
and so as is my nature I go backwards
and I went as far back as I could go to
the origins of man Paleolithic 50,000
years ago and what I started to learn
was that it’s not the Pete that’s not
the people it’s the environment if the
environment is right the natural
inclination of the human being is to
serve and to sacrifice if the
environment is wrong the natural
inclination of the human being is to
protect oneself even at the expense of
others and if you look at the highest
functioning branches of the military if
you look at the highest functioning
organizations in the private sector the
environments in which they had created
sometimes by accident the environments
in which they created almost identically
mimic the environments that existed in
the Paleolithic era in other words we
are working the way we’re supposed to
work we are not the strongest animals in
the world and we are not the fastest
animals in the world but we are the most
successful animals in the world and the
reason we are so successful is not just
because of our advanced problem-solving
brains sometimes that causes more
problems than it’s worth
right but it’s our ability to cooperate
we are naturally social naturally
cooperative animals with a natural
inclination to trust and cooperate and
when we are put in the environment the
right environment that is exactly what
happens it is not an instruction I can’t
tell you to trust me trust me I know
what I’m doing it doesn’t work that way
you can’t put two people in a room and
say I want you two to cooperate on this
project it’s not an instruction it’s a
feeling and a reaction it’s a result
trust and cooperation are result right
so here’s what I learned in caveman
times the world was filled with danger
right whether it was the weather whether
it was the lack of reefs
horses and food whether it was a
saber-toothed tiger there were all leave
these things out there with no
conscience trying to kill you
nothing personal the only way in which
we frail slow not very strong animals
could confront and survive all of these
things with a predisposition to kill us
was to work together and create cultures
to live in tribes to help each other
there’s a natural and inherent benefit
to group living it means that if I trust
you I can fall asleep at night with the
confidence that if danger shows you will
wake me if I do not trust you I can’t
fall asleep at night it’s exactly the
same in our modern day and age the goal
is to feel safe in the environments in
which we live and work to feel like we
belong the dangers around us and outside
us are a constant they’re never going to
go away and they’re never going to
change the variable are the cultures in
which we live and work that is a
variable and that is then the control
and it is the responsibility of leaders
in the modern world at the same way in
the private sector dangers may be
defined as the ups and downs of the
economy the uncertainty of the stock
market an emerging technology that
overnight renders your business model
obsolete your competition that may or
may not be trying to kill you but they
definitely are trying to frustrate your
growth and steal your customers in
combat this is obvious in times that are
not combat the the the in peace times
the the the challenges are the same you
know the the warring tribes that are the
Pentagon all fighting for money all
trying to outdo each other the the ups
and downs of some political rhetoric or
you know bad decisions that are made for
all the wrong reasons
all these things that frustrate our
growth frustrate our success nothing
personal the only way in which we
survive these dangers and more
importantly seize the opportunities that
exist is when we feel safe amongst the
people with whom we live and work if we
do not feel safe with the people with
whom we live and work we are forced to
invest our own time and our own energy
to protect ourselves from each other
which then inherently makes the entire
organization weaker and exposes us to
the dangers outside a sub as in Aesop’s
fables 5000 BC said it better than I can
he talked about four oxen that stood
tail to tail and no matter from which
angle the lion attacked he was always
met with horns
however due to infighting and
disagreements the option decided to
separate and graze in different parts of
the field and one by one the oxen that
lion ate them all when we are when we do
not fear each other we survive very well
when we have to protect ourselves from
each other we don’t do very well at all
so then the question said the question
arises how on earth do we build a circle
of safety how do we do it how do we keep
ourselves safe from each other how do we
learn to trust each other especially if
Trust as a result and not something you
can just do as it turns out the human
body works exactly the same way as any
organization we have internal incentive
systems that are working very very hard
to get us to repeat behaviors that are
in our best interest right so if you
think about how any incentive system
works I want you to achieve a goal I’m
gonna tell you what that goal is if you
hit that goal I will give you a bonus
guess what you do what I want you to do
you will achieve the goal that I set my
intent my mission my goal whatever it is
and because there’s certain incentives
and rewards on the other side you will
do them the human body does exactly the
same thing if you’ve ever had a feeling
of happiness joy pride status
fulfillment love friendship any of these
feelings are chemically produced and all
of these feelings that I will
generically call happiness are born out
of basically the four chemicals they are
endorphins dopamine serotonin and
oxytocin Ed so let me go through them
really quickly endorphins the purpose of
endorphins is one thing of one thing
only to mask physical pain that’s it
that’s what endorphins do we all know
what an endorphin rush
or a runner’s high you go out there for
a run you’re pushing your body harder
than you’ve ever pushed your body before
and it feels good and so you keep going
and you keep going and at the end of
your run you still feel awesome those
endorphins are still surging through
your bloodstream and about an hour later
you are now in pain for damage you
caused to your muscles about an hour
before because the endorphins have now
run out endorphins served a very
practical purpose back in caveman days
we’re neither the strongest animals nor
the fastest animals how are we going to
eat how are we gonna get food the human
animal is made for endurance we can
track an animal we can go in a search
for something for hours and hours and
hours and miles and miles and miles and
we will wear out any gazelle on the
planet that’s what we’re made for and
when we’re out there and we’re tired we
don’t give up we feel good and we keep
pushing and maybe if we find food and we
have to carry something heavy back to
the tribe if we were tired we would give
up not a good system for survival and so
it feels good and so we keep going until
we get there a good system for survival
and it feels so good sometimes we crave
that feeling oh my god I had so much fun
hunting yesterday I will volunteer to go
tomorrow good system for survival we
often hear about endorphins for survival
in combat situations but for most of us
back home you know with supermarkets and
cars and whatnot it was pretty much no
survival need for endorphins whatsoever
and they pretty much the way we get them
is from heavy exercise and exerting our
bodies that’s pretty much it dopamine Oh
just a little kick a little side it’s
because of endorphins that laughing
feels good by the way when you laugh
you’re actually convulsing your internal
organs and so to hide that pain the body
makes us feel good we’ve all had the
experience where you laugh so hard you
say stop stop it hurts it’s cause the
endorphins are brunet dopamine dopamine
is the feeling you get when you find
something you’re looking for or you
accomplish something yet so you set out
to accomplish right so you know that
feeling you get when you cross something
off your to-do list how good does that
feel that’s dopamine right when you set
out to achieve one of your goals yes you
win the race yes you crossed the finish
line that amazing sense of I have won I
have found it you know that pair of
shoes that you want desperate and you
find them on sale
yes you
Google and you you put the thing and
that you’re looking for it comes up and
it feels so good because you wait for
the feeling you wait for the feeling try
new search to try new sit there it is
this is why we’re genetically
predisposed to collect stuff like you
don’t need another little figurine of an
elephant right
we like Queens and stamps and cards and
things because we love the feeling of
finding the thing we were looking for
we’re genetically predisposed for the
reason we have dopamine is more
practical than that it’s because if we
only went to look for food and we were
hungry and there was no guarantee that
we would find food not a good system for
survival and so mother nature has imbued
us with this wonderful chemical so that
we will go looking for food even when we
don’t need it
you get dopamine when you eat it’s why
we enjoy eating right because we get a
dopamine hit when we eat so to try and
get more of that feeling we will repeat
behavior that gets us the thing that
makes us feel good right so for example
you’re out for a wonder and in the
distance you see a little apple tree
shot a dopamine and what dopamine does
is it makes us focused on our goals
keeps us free from distraction fixated
on the goal we want to get and so we
start walking towards the apple tree
because we want the dopamine and as it
gets a little bigger we can sense that
we’re making progress
that’s what metrics are supposed to do
that they’re supposed to indicate that
we’re making progress towards some other
goal right it’s not the metrics itself
and so we sense that that we see the
tree get a little bigger we can another
little shot of dopamine and it keeps us
even more focused and we get it gets
bigger and another little shot of
dopamine right or the gazelle we lose
the gazelle we find them again shot a
dopamine keeps us focused on we’re gonna
get the gazelle right and then you
finally get the gazelle you finally get
to the apple tree yes immense sense of
dopamine right it’s like when you’re out
doing a run if you do a long run you you
passed
they put mile markers up for a reason
makes us feel like we’re making progress
each mile marker you pass it makes you
want to keep going and when you can see
the finish line even though you’re
exhausted you run even faster because
you can feel you want the dopamine of
crossing the finish line right this is
why we are told that our goals must be
tangible we are visual animals
we do not get dopamine without being
able to see the goal or at least imagine
it in our minds eye that’s why we call
them vision statements because you have
to be able to see them vision right so
that’s why we’re told like I said you
have to write down your goals we are no
good with Amorphis goals doesn’t work
we’re no good with the abstract we like
specific things we can see you will get
a bonus if you achieve more how much
more more doesn’t work tell me what I
need to do tell me where I need to get
and I’ll do it
dopamine dopamine won’t fire unless we
see the tree go find something on Google
doesn’t work that way what do you me to
find tell me what you want to look for
and then I can get that sense of
accomplishment right that’s what
dopamine does we were progress machines
a good vision must also be specific
something we can see in our minds eye
most vision statements are useless to be
the biggest to be the most respected to
be the most loved right to serve the
country I don’t even know what that
looks like
respected by whom your mother there’s no
metric for that kind of do it useless
Martin Luther King he had a good vision
I have a dream that one day little black
children and little white children will
hold hands together on the playground I
can see that I can imagine that if
that’s the kind of world that inspires
me that I want to live in I will fixate
my my target fixate on that target on
that goal and I will do what I need to
do to get closer and every milestone
that we reach that makes us feel like
we’re making progress inspires us to
keep working harder and harder and
harder to get that goal that’s good
vision
that’s good vision dopamine comes with a
warning
however dopamine is highly highly highly
addictive here are some other things
that release dopamine alcohol nicotine
gambling your cell phone right
think about how gambling works we know
what the tree is three sevens
you get three 7s it’s very specific you
get rich good pull the handle two sevens
fuel I’ll make a meeting progress
pull the handle again one seven so
a still making progress pull handle
missed it this time but I know I even
coming close cuz I saw it before I saw a
glimpse to the gazelle pull it again
it’s called addiction we get sucked into
it it’s tricking our system and so we
keep going and going and going and like
all addictions we will waste money we
will waste time and we will destroy
relationships that’s what addiction does
to us they say that if you wake up in
the morning and the first thing you do
is crave a drink you might be an
alcoholic if you wake up in the morning
the first thing you do is check your
phone even before you get out of bed you
might be an addict
if you walk from room to room in your
own home holding your telephone she
might be an addict right thank you yes
look at that doing the demonstration if
you’re driving your car and your phone
goes Bing right you can’t wait 15
minutes to get to where you’re going you
got to check it right now pull the
handle you might be an addict and even
what you do read it do you want to have
dinner next Thursday and you can’t wait
ten minutes to reply you could reply
right now odds are very high you have an
addiction yes we all hate all the email
we get what we love is the Bing the buzz
of the flash and the beat oh it feels so
good the reason we send so many texts
and emails is because we want replies in
fact when we don’t get a reply we become
unnerved
why haven’t they replied I want to reply
I hate all this email right we want the
current we crave it we’ve become
addicted to it and for all you Gen Y is
out there who like to think that you’re
better at multitasking because you grew
up with all this technology then why do
you keep crashing your cars while you’re
texting the fact of the matter is you’re
not better at multitasking you’re better
being distracted and it is probable that
an entire generation has grown up with
an addiction to dopamine in the form of
social media it’s highly probable and we
see some examples of this the cases of
diagnosed ADHD have risen 66% in the
past decade okay now ADHD is a frontal
lobe issue are you telling me there’s
something in the water that’s making an
entire generation grew up with a frontal
lobe disorder probably not there are
genuine cases of all these things of
course
but the diagnosis of ADHD eerily looks
like an addiction to a distraction as
well distractibility unable to focus
etcetera etc etc it’s just an addiction
we can also become addicted to
performance in some organizations we
where we’re metrics are king we
literally become addicted to making the
numbers getting the efficiencies driving
the numbers we’re addicted to hitting
each goal hitting each goal hitting each
goal because the rewards we get or all
dopamine literally our organizations
become addicted to making the numbers
and like all addiction it comes with
expenses time money and relationships
and when relationships break down we
expose ourselves to danger from outside
that’s why we have these two chemicals
these are selfish chemicals you don’t
need anybody’s help to get them go for a
run go through your to-do lists meet
your goals you’ll get feelings of good
and joy and you’re good to go
right you can do it all by yourself
these chemicals are the selfless
chemicals you can’t get them by yourself
and you need other people’s help and
it’s these chemicals that ensure that we
trust each other work together love each
other and cooperate when these chemicals
are out of balance we become addicted to
performance we become addicted to social
media we become addicted to ourselves
when they are in balance we’re committed
to service and looking after each other
and have the confidence that others will
look after us let me tell you bout the
first chemical serotonin serotonin is
the leadership chemical it is the
feeling of pride it is the feeling of
status there are many ways you can get
serotonin one way is public recognition
right when you are pointed to and say
our tribe values you that’s all we want
we all want to feel that our tribe
values us that our work our opinions
matter and so when we are called out and
said you’re good it feels good right
that’s why public displays of these
things are important you have a dinner
and you say I just like to call out a
couple names if you could please stand
up you’ve done really well you Judy if
you could stand up Dave if you could
stand up and you stand up and somebody
reads your name and everybody’s like
feels awesome
that’s serotonin you feel your status
rise in the community because you
recognize the community values more and
it inspires you to work harder for the
community that’s what it’s doing right
think about it what do you need to
graduate college pay your bills
accomplish enough you know get collect
enough credits fulfill your minimum
requirements tada you’ve graduated it’s
just a formula right so technically they
could just send you an email that says
congratulations you’ve graduated college
please enclose find the PDF of your
diploma to print out PS magna laude
nice job babe wouldn’t feel good right
accomplishment was the same you worked
hard wouldn’t feel good so what we have
is a big ceremony and we fight all of
our friends and our teachers and all of
the people who believed in us and
trusted us and wanted us to do well and
sacrifice for us and we have a big
public display where they recognize our
accomplishment thanks to their support
and we walk up on the stage and that
young college graduate who walks up on
the stage at the exact moment she takes
the diploma she feels the serotonin
coursing through her veins she feels her
status rise she feels her confidence
rise she feels good she feels amazing it
feels incredible and all she wants to do
is more but here’s the best part about
serotonin at the exact same moment that
that graduate grabs her diploma her
parents sitting in the audience also get
a surge of serotonin and they feel proud
watching their child graduate what
serotonin is attempting to do is
reinforce the relationship between
parent and child boss-and-employee coach
and player the one who was giving the
care and the one who is receiving the
care the supporter and the supported
because we share the serotonin the more
proud I feel of your accomplishment the
harder I’m gonna work to protect you and
offer you education and discipline and
an opportunity so you’ll continue to do
that and what do we do for the people
who care about us we work hard so as not
to let them down because we want to make
they’re out we want to prove to them
that their sacrifice was worth it
when we get an award who’s the first
person we thank watch the Oscars what
who’s the first person they think they
thank God they thanked their parents or
they thanked the director they thanked
whomever they believed was looking over
them and giving them protection and
offering them support so that they had
the strength to accomplish this
remarkable thing I could not have done
it alone is the first thing they say and
if we if we give an award to the coach
the coaches I couldn’t have done it
without this amazing team and they go
serotonin is trying desperately to get
asked to look after each other and make
each other proud and feel proud so we’ll
push each other harder and look after
each other I call it the leadership
chemical because it is that feeling of
Pride and status and the reason it’s the
leadership chemical is again very
practical why do we have leaders it’s
all fine and good that we teach
leadership but why do we have leaders
let’s do away with them who needs them
we’re all equal how’s that let’s try
that doesn’t work for very practical
reason
back in those Paleolithic days we lived
in populations of about a hundred to 150
people we maxed out about 150 right very
practical problem exists we’re all
hungry somebody brings back a carcass
dumps it on the ground we all rush in to
eat if you’re lucky enough to be built
like a linebacker you will shove your
way to the front of the line if you’re
the artist of the family you will get an
elbow in the face not a good system
because the odds are very high that when
linebackers sleeping the guy who got an
elbow in the face is not gonna wake him
and alert him to danger bad system not
good for the tribe and so we evolved
into hierarchical animals we are
naturally hierarchical animals we are
always assessing each other in terms of
alpha and beta who’s stronger than me
who’s dominant over me who who can I
dominate we’re always doing it it’s why
guys like to posture when they meet
girls like to show how strong they are
like prove how alpha they are they wear
nice clothes to demonstrate success
right because everybody wants to date
the Alpha right it’s always about
demonstration right it’s a variable it’s
not a constant in other words
The Criterion audio is the same if
you’re a wrestler physical strength
might be the standard if you’re a
musician talent might be the standard
right so you might be an alpha in one
scenario not in another right that’s why
we have insecurities sometimes when
we’re out of our element sometimes we’ve
all had the experience where we’re
meeting somebody and we’re nervous to
meet them you’re not the Alpha we’ve all
had the experience where we’re meeting
somebody we can sense that they’re
nervous meeting us you’re the alpha
right
the reason we’re hierarchical is because
once we have assessed who our alphas are
we voluntarily step back and we allow
our alpha Steve first alphas get first
choice of meat the first choice of mate
there are benefits to being the king
people give you stuff you get stuff for
free you get looked after people carry
your bags they call you sir they call
you ma’am it’s good to be the king right
that’s why we vie for the King because
we get first choice of meat and mate to
this day we are perfectly comfortable
with giving advantages to those who
outrank us in the hierarchy right not a
single person here has a problem with
somebody more senior than you making
more money than you you might think
they’re an ass but you’re okay with the
fact that they make more money nobody
has a problem with somebody that
outranks you getting a nicer office
better parking does not offend us at all
in fact we almost expect it can you
imagine if the President of the United
States had to carry his own suitcases
we’d be like what he’s the president we
can’t get somebody who carries back I
will do it it would be an honor
right when we admire our alphas we’re
actually very happy to do menial labor
for them check it out
carrying the prison’s bags be will
actually go home and be like you’ll
never believe what I did today
I carried luggage for the president
right it matters in service to our
leaders we like to serve our leaders
however
doesn’t come free it does not come free
as Lieutenant General Flynn of the
United States Marine Corps Academy grad
told me the cost of leadership is
self-interest and he’s right you see the
group is not stupid yes we gave our
leader the first choice of meat first
choice of mate they’re better fed than
we are
we gave our leader love and adoration
and all the respect we held doors for
them and they feel their status rise and
they use with serotonin we gave that to
them they’re actually also naturally
stronger because we expect that when
danger threatens the tribe the person
who’s actually stronger better fed
animal covenant will rush towards the
danger to protect us that’s the cost of
leadership that’s why we gave you first
choice of meat because you might die
young and we want your genes in the gene
pool we’re not stupid this is the cost
of leadership
it’s your willingness to sacrifice
yourself sacrifice your comfort
sacrifice your perks when it matters for
the good of your people leadership is
not a rank it is a choice it is a
responsibility to offer protection to
those to the left and those to the right
there are some people who have positions
of authority who are not leaders and
there are some positions that have no
formal Authority who have very much
leaders and we naturally will put the
people at the top of the hierarchy who
would be willing to sacrifice for us
this is why it is the law that if you
win the Congressional Medal of Honor a
four-star salutes you because the formal
rank is secondary to your willingness to
sacrifice for others that’s natural
this is why we’re so viscerally offended
by some of the bankers who pay
themselves disproportionately high
bonuses and has nothing to do with the
numbers it has everything to do with
their violation of the deep-seated
social contract we have with each other
and with our leaders because we know
that not only were they ok watching
their people get sacrificed they could
get their big bonus
sometimes they sacrifice their people so
they could get the big bonuses record
high layoffs
right that’s what so viscerally offends
us they’ve actually violated the
deep-seated social contract the very
anthropological definition of what it
means to be a leader what if I told you
were gonna give a hundred and fifty
million dollar bonus to Nelson Mandela
anybody got a problem with that no two
hundred and fifty million dollar bonus
bonus to mother Teresa got an issue with
that no it’s not the numbers it’s the
social contract the very definition of
leadership is not your ability to get
people to do things it’s not your
ability to get people to do your bidding
the very definition of leadership is to
offer safety and protection to those in
your care so they feel so safe in the
environment which they live and work
that they would voluntarily offer their
blood sweat and tears to see your intent
your vision and your goals advanced they
will volunteer to do that because they
know that you would do it to them
that’s the deal and that’s why it works
well together
oxytocin oxytocin is the feeling of love
friendship loyalty trust it’s all the
warm and fuzzies it’s all the unicorns
and rainbows right when you sit on it’s
like why it’s fun to hang out with our
friend you can sit on a couch and watch
TV for three hours and never exchange a
word with each other and when they leave
you be like hey thanks to coming at such
a good time you didn’t do anything you
watch TV right it’s the company we keep
with people we love that’s oxytocin
right it’s that deep-seated bond of love
and trust it’s not it doesn’t happen
overnight you can go on one date and get
married it takes time builds up
sometimes it’s quicker sometimes it’s
slower it takes time and effort and it’s
like a dance
vulnerability do things for people pull
back you know the organization does it
for me we do it for the organization my
boss does it for me we do it for the
boss my colleagues do for me I do for my
colleagues the other Midshipmen do it
for me I do for them and if then
eventually I mean you know I know from
Parris Island right on the first day
that they get there and they’re all
standing on the yellow footprints right
they ain’t thinking about anybody else
but themselves that’s it solo me and the
first thing they’re di will say to them
first word they will hear yelled at them
are from this day on the words I me my
are no longer in your vocabulary they
will be replaced by we together in us
now they’re not listening but that is
what will happen and for the first two
weeks or so of boot camp those young
recruits care about one thing and one
thing only looking good proving to the
DI that I deserve to be here I’m good
enough to be a Marine
so the Marines keep putting them in
situations that they will fail if they
try and do things by themselves here are
steps they are 12 feet apart you have to
climb to the top good luck there’s a
reason it’s called the confidence course
it’s because they’re working to build
out their individual confidence the
Marines know that people will not serve
the team will not serve the group until
they believe in their own ability they
know that I mean think about it there’s
only a finite number of people that
exhibit personality does exist in the
world you can form your own team here
you can choose here’s option one
somebody who does not believe in their
own ability option two somebody who does
believe in their own ability but thinks
they’re better than everyone else
option three someone who does believe in
their ability but does nothing
better than everyone else who do you
want on your team such an obvious
question it’s stupid we want the person
who believes in themselves and doesn’t
think they’re better than everybody else
okay how do you gonna do that you have
to train that you have to Train
confidence like parents try and teach
their kids to be confidence we put them
in situations where they can do more
than they thought they could do
but they couldn’t do it without each
other Marines think they’re the best oh
my god they don’t stop talking about but
they don’t think they’re better than
other Marines that’s what makes it work
right that’s what makes it work oxytocin
is that love is that trust that we can
eat that we can rely on each other there
are many ways you can get oxytocin one
is shared adversity shared hardship
think about your best day at work think
about your best day you’ve ever had it’s
not the time where everything went
smoothly came in under budget and
finished on time and you completed the
mission huge success that sounds like it
should be your best day but it’s not
your best days or when everything went
wrong you’re up to a three o’clock in
the morning and even though it wasn’t a
success for some reason you have really
fun memories of it it’s because of the
shared adversity and the relationships
you remember nobody wants to go to
combat but people come back from
deployment and they talk about with
fondness you know they didn’t enjoy it
but how much they appreciated it and
it’s the bonds that they form suicides
of the military you know slight majority
of the suicides in military are people
who do not get deployed it’s not combat
deployment it’s people who stay home
where all of their friends go and form
the relationships in other shared
adversity they left back by themselves
lonely it makes us feel uneasy right
there’s weird things that start to
happen where these social and most
shared adversity it releases oxytocin
another thing that releases oxytocin
human contact the more people love each
other the more they touch each other
right high fives
you know slap an athlete’s slap each
other like we hugged the people we love
we hold hands we would get each other
oxytocin when we meet somebody as a sign
of respect what we do is shake hands we
touch
lots of touching right that’s why you
have to hold children the more you hold
children they’ve done a wonderful study
the children who don’t get touched I
think the numbers thirty two times a day
are more likely to grow up to be
criminals
that’s because when we have oxytocin in
our butt and our body’s oxytocin gives
us the capacity for empathy oxytocin
gives us the capacity for respect and
love and if you lack those things if you
don’t have oxytocin in your system you’d
be kind of um and but that it can you
become incredibly incredibly selfish the
more oxytocin we have in our bodies it
also reduces our susceptibility to to
addiction so the less oxytocin you have
the more addictive personality you have
it’s love it’s trust here’s another way
you get oxytocin acts of kindness backs
of human generosity an act of human
generosity is defined as giving of your
time and energy with no expectation of
anything in return money doesn’t work if
I told you that on my way here before I
came here I went online and I gave 500
dollars to charity what would you think
of me he’d be like good for you
right but if I told you that last
Saturday I gave up half a day and I went
to paintin schools in the inner city
then would you think of me like nice
cool I should do more right we as human
animals put a premium on those who are
willing to spend a non redeemable
commodity time energy right we’ve all
sat in meetings or watched movies and
thought to ourselves I will never get
this time back some of you are sitting
right here right now going I will never
get this time back I got nothing for you
I got nothing for you
right money you can make back time and
energy you do not and so we as human
animals that are constantly looking to
see and learn if we can trust people if
they’re willing to give to us we’ll give
more trust to those who were willing to
give their non redeemable goal run
non-edible commodity to us this is why
email doesn’t work right if I come to
your house for dinner you make me a
lovely dinner the next day I send you a
wonderful email thank you sir what an
amazing host you are or three days later
you receive a handwritten note from me
with the exact same words which would
make you feel better
handwritten note same words same
intention
same in same desire the difference is
you know it took me a little more time
and a little more energy for the note
and it makes you feel better
email doesn’t work it’s too easy email
is great for the exchange of information
email is great what time’s the meeting
four o’clock here is the PowerPoint you
asked for here it is it is terrible to
tell people what you think of their
ideas it is terrible to tell them what
your ideas are it is terrible to
criticize people it is terrible to
compliment people these are emotional
things these are trust-building
mechanisms and they do not work an email
get up and walk over and tell them call
them hey I got you emails you want to
tell you what I thought of your idea
sure you know it’s why eyeball
leadership matters it’s why the senior
officer who goes to the frontlines
simply to say hi to everybody hey thanks
for your doing hey nice to meet you hey
how are you the reason it matters is
because everybody on the front lines
know that that person is really really
busy and has better things to do in
their mind and that they would get on a
plane travel for nine and a half hours
expose themselves to physical danger and
walk around simply to say hi to us means
they care huge impact in how we feel
about ourselves and the organization
with the knowledge that our leaders
would sacrifice their time and energy
for us I was walking down the streets of
New York and person in front of me their
backpack open and a bunch of paper
spilled out didn’t think much of it I
bent down gathered up the papers hand
them back pointed out that his bag had
opened up I did a small act of
generosity I got a small burst of
oxytocin it felt good felt nice the
person on the receiving end of the
generosity also gets a burst of oxytocin
thank you he said he felt good it’s nice
when somebody does something nice for us
Thanks
right both get a burst of oxytocin right
get to the end of the block true story
get to the end of the block I’m standing
waiting to cross the street and the guy
standing in front of me turns around and
says I saw what you did back there
that was really cool as it turns out
simply witnessing an act of generosity
releases oxytocin the human body is
trying desperately to get us to look
after each other and so it rewards us
with these immense feelings of
positivity and fulfillment and joy when
we do nice things for each other when
others do nice things for us and when we
witness others doing things because the
more oxytocin we have in our systems the
more generous we become the more
empathetic we become the healthier we
are oxytocin actually boosts your immune
system people in relationships live
longer than single people happy people
live longer than than unhappy people
right
it actually makes us better problem
solvers it opens up our brains
biologically I’m talking real biology
here right the more oxytocin you have in
your system the better you are problem
solving in other words a team of people
who care about each other can much
better solve a difficult problem than
teams of people who don’t care about
each other this is the power of this
stuff the human body is trying so hard
to get us to look after each other you
want to be a leader you have a choice
you can stab your way up the knives and
someone’s back and achieve Authority and
you will enjoy all the perks afforded to
you and in times of stress no one will
come to your aid people will do as you
say because they think they’re required
to but they will not give you their all
they will give you the minimum because
they don’t trust you or you could be
willing to sacrifice your own comfort
your own perks when it matters so that
others may gain and you will earn their
trust their loyalty and their love if
someone is struggling with their with
their studying and you are also studying
what is the choice you make do you get
up from your desk and you work with them
until the wee hours of the morning until
they get it maybe even sacrificing your
ability to study and maybe sacrificing
your own grey
that has significant implications in
your career it absolutely will if you
don’t make the grade that’ll hurt but
those are the steps it takes to become a
leader leadership is a choice that’s all
it is that’s all it is
the more you offer
this to others the more they offered
back
again you’ve heard the stories you’ve
met the people you meet people who have
sacrificed themselves that others may
gain they risk their lives Dakota Meyer
who won the Congressional Medal of Honor
the president asked him did you think
you were going to die to which he
replies the president no sir I knew I
was gonna die nobody runs into combat
forgotten country it just doesn’t exist
they do for the person to the left of
them and they do for the person to the
right of them and they do it and if you
ask anybody who did these things why did
you do it they all say the same thing
because they would have done it for me
that’s called leadership the shootings
that just had in Kenya in the mall there
was a photographer inside the mall and
captured the scene which we never get to
see we usually see the aftermath and
there’s one photograph which I want you
to look up and if you can print it out
and hang it on your wall inside your
room go to New York Times comm and just
look up the photograph of the key the
the photographs on the Kenya shooting
from the terrorist attack and there is a
photograph that haunts me and inspires
me every time I see it it is a mother
lying on top of her child okay so at the
sound of gunfire the sound of danger it
is the instinct no pros and cons Wade no
thought to what may happen to her it is
the instinct of the mother to throw
herself on top of her child that is a
picture of leadership that is the
personification of leadership if you
want to know what it takes to be leader
look at that picture every single
morning and think to yourself would I
without even thinking about it throw
myself on top of my people
intellectually we all think we would
throw ourselves on top of the grenade
right but it’s not a question of whether
you think you would or wouldn’t when the
grenade is thrown the question is to
others believe
when it was thrown and the question is
on a daily basis do I believe that you
would do that because if I don’t my
guard goes up I will protect myself from
you if I do
my guard goes down and I will do
whatever it takes to see that your
vision and your intent is followed and I
will do so with pride and I want to make
you proud because of the sacrifice you
gave
today my pursuit is a personal one that
is not an academic one nor has it ever
been a commercial one my pursuit began a
few years ago when I lost my passion for
what I was doing I ran my own small
business and after a few years of doing
that my passion went away I can’t
explain it I kind of put it any other
way
I didn’t enjoy get out of bed anymore
people gave me silly advice like do what
you love I was doing the same thing I
didn’t love it anymore you know follow
your passion yet we all know that but
how do you do that these are not helpful
and so I can I enter droite can best be
described as a depression where being
the leader of an organization where
people relied on me for direction and
intent and salaries and everything else
I doubted my capacity for leadership and
the biggest mistake I made that I
learned the hard way is as a leader I
did not have to know all the answers and
if I didn’t I didn’t have to pretend
that I did that was the biggest mistake
that I made I always thought I had to
know the answers and I thought that if I
didn’t I had to pretend that I did and
the more that I pretended that I had all
the answers or the the harder my the
harder getting out of bed every morning
became to the point where I became
depressed and it was a discovery that I
made that every single organization on
the planet even our own careers always
functions on the same three levels what
we do how we do it why we do it those
three must be in balance we all know
what we do that’s the job we perform the
actions we take our MOS whatever the
functional things you do what do you do
I am a student what do you do I’m a
teacher whatever it is right some of us
know how we do what we do these are the
things that we think make us different
or special or stand out from the crowd
the reason we think we deserve the job
or the promotion of the recognition what
makes us better than everyone else right
what what’s your unique ability but very
few of us can clearly articulate why we
do it we do and by why I don’t mean to
make money I don’t mean to protect the
nation those are results if you do your
job well the nation will be protected
they’re not the reason that we get out
of bed in the morning philosophically
they may be but nobody jumps out of the
bed and in the morning going another day
to protect the country it’s just not
happening and so realizing that I didn’t
know my why I became obsessed with it
and I figured out how to find my why and
more importantly I figured out how to
help others find theirs and not
surprisingly as we do when we discover
something beautiful we share it with the
people we love you see a great movie you
tell your friends go see the great movie
you know we do that all the time and so
having restored my passion to levels
that I had never experienced before the
first thing I did was tell all my
friends I told my friend about this
thing called why they had to learn there
why and I my friends started making
crazy life changes changing jobs
changing careers feeling the effects
that I had felt their passion restored
to levels they too had never experienced
prior they invited me to their homes to
share it with their friends I would
literally show up in someone’s apartment
and tell their friends about this thing
that I had discovered called the why
that’s how it began and people just kept
inviting me and I just kept saying yes
and somebody I said you should write a
book about it I said okay somebody
introduced me to the God and business
publishing a man by the name of Adrian
Zach Haim is the original publisher from
good to great publishers all have codons
books and so the folklore goes I had a
29 minute meeting with him in 3 days
later I had a book deal
so I don’t know what it takes to get a
book deal because I didn’t follow with
the process and he sat in a room with an
unknown guy I mean I was total unknown
the only thing I had was my sense of
purpose and my idealism that’s all I had
and I sat in his office for 29 minutes
and told him what I believed not what I
did not what made me qualified but what
I believed and the world that I imagined
and he was inspired enough to take the
risk on me which I’m immensely grateful
for and the more I became a student of
this thing called the why the more it
worked and the more others were
interested and I started to attract
people who believe what I believe who
wanted to build the world that I
imagined I imagined a world in which the
vast majority of us wake up every single
day inspired to go to work and return
home at the end of the day fulfilled by
the work that we do
that doesn’t mean that you have to like
every day we don’t like our children
every day but we love them every day
right you don’t have to like your job
every day you do get to love it every
day and those who believed what I
believed as predicted by this magical
little formula called the Golden Circle
raised their hand and said how can we
help build this world and we became
compatriots in this noble pursuit but
another problem emerged sometimes it’s
so attractive and sometimes it’s so
inspiring that so many people show up
and you don’t know who shows up
selflessly and who’s showing up
selfishly and I had a few experiences in
my own life that caught me by surprise
because I kept meeting people who said
all the right things they said they
believe what I believe they said they
wanted to do what I believed and then
help me and when push came to shove when
problems emerged they disappeared I’d
exposed myself made myself vulnerable
shared all of my everything I knew all
the people I knew because I believed it
was the noble pursuit they were joining
me and only to find out they wanted to
take not to give and so now I didn’t
know who to trust and the question is
what happens when you when somebody
violates your trust you completely pull
back do you put the walls up so high
that you don’t let anyone in
simultaneously I’ve been given many
invitations to visit with various
branches the military and spent a lot of
time with the Air Force spent some time
with the Marines and kept meeting people
who believed in sacrifice who believed
in service I’d met people who’d risk
their lives for others and I couldn’t
understand how all of these people that
I was meeting in the military was so
different than the people that I
interacted with in private sector in the
military you give medals to people who
were willing to sacrifice themselves so
that others may gain in business they
give bonuses to people who willing to
sacrifice others so we may gain it’s
backwards and so the best assessment I
could make is they’re just better people
they’re just better human beings and
because they’re better human beings
they’re attracted to this concept of
military service and that’s why you find
a disproportionately high number of
these better people in these
organizations that was my assessment
but I was wrong because I’m not
satisfied with that answer and so I set
out to understand why are they better
what is in their genetic code that makes
these people better
like what breakfast are their parents
eating that would produce these children
and so as is my nature I go backwards
and I went as far back as I could go to
the origins of man Paleolithic 50,000
years ago and what I started to learn
was that it’s not the Pete that’s not
the people it’s the environment if the
environment is right the natural
inclination of the human being is to
serve and to sacrifice if the
environment is wrong the natural
inclination of the human being is to
protect oneself even at the expense of
others and if you look at the highest
functioning branches of the military if
you look at the highest functioning
organizations in the private sector the
environments in which they had created
sometimes by accident the environments
in which they created almost identically
mimic the environments that existed in
the Paleolithic era in other words we
are working the way we’re supposed to
work we are not the strongest animals in
the world and we are not the fastest
animals in the world but we are the most
successful animals in the world and the
reason we are so successful is not just
because of our advanced problem-solving
brains sometimes that causes more
problems than it’s worth
right but it’s our ability to cooperate
we are naturally social naturally
cooperative animals with a natural
inclination to trust and cooperate and
when we are put in the environment the
right environment that is exactly what
happens it is not an instruction I can’t
tell you to trust me trust me I know
what I’m doing it doesn’t work that way
you can’t put two people in a room and
say I want you two to cooperate on this
project it’s not an instruction it’s a
feeling and a reaction it’s a result
trust and cooperation are result right
so here’s what I learned in caveman
times the world was filled with danger
right whether it was the weather whether
it was the lack of reefs
horses and food whether it was a
saber-toothed tiger there were all leave
these things out there with no
conscience trying to kill you
nothing personal the only way in which
we frail slow not very strong animals
could confront and survive all of these
things with a predisposition to kill us
was to work together and create cultures
to live in tribes to help each other
there’s a natural and inherent benefit
to group living it means that if I trust
you I can fall asleep at night with the
confidence that if danger shows you will
wake me if I do not trust you I can’t
fall asleep at night it’s exactly the
same in our modern day and age the goal
is to feel safe in the environments in
which we live and work to feel like we
belong the dangers around us and outside
us are a constant they’re never going to
go away and they’re never going to
change the variable are the cultures in
which we live and work that is a
variable and that is then the control
and it is the responsibility of leaders
in the modern world at the same way in
the private sector dangers may be
defined as the ups and downs of the
economy the uncertainty of the stock
market an emerging technology that
overnight renders your business model
obsolete your competition that may or
may not be trying to kill you but they
definitely are trying to frustrate your
growth and steal your customers in
combat this is obvious in times that are
not combat the the the in peace times
the the the challenges are the same you
know the the warring tribes that are the
Pentagon all fighting for money all
trying to outdo each other the the ups
and downs of some political rhetoric or
you know bad decisions that are made for
all the wrong reasons
all these things that frustrate our
growth frustrate our success nothing
personal the only way in which we
survive these dangers and more
importantly seize the opportunities that
exist is when we feel safe amongst the
people with whom we live and work if we
do not feel safe with the people with
whom we live and work we are forced to
invest our own time and our own energy
to protect ourselves from each other
which then inherently makes the entire
organization weaker and exposes us to
the dangers outside a sub as in Aesop’s
fables 5000 BC said it better than I can
he talked about four oxen that stood
tail to tail and no matter from which
angle the lion attacked he was always
met with horns
however due to infighting and
disagreements the option decided to
separate and graze in different parts of
the field and one by one the oxen that
lion ate them all when we are when we do
not fear each other we survive very well
when we have to protect ourselves from
each other we don’t do very well at all
so then the question said the question
arises how on earth do we build a circle
of safety how do we do it how do we keep
ourselves safe from each other how do we
learn to trust each other especially if
Trust as a result and not something you
can just do as it turns out the human
body works exactly the same way as any
organization we have internal incentive
systems that are working very very hard
to get us to repeat behaviors that are
in our best interest right so if you
think about how any incentive system
works I want you to achieve a goal I’m
gonna tell you what that goal is if you
hit that goal I will give you a bonus
guess what you do what I want you to do
you will achieve the goal that I set my
intent my mission my goal whatever it is
and because there’s certain incentives
and rewards on the other side you will
do them the human body does exactly the
same thing if you’ve ever had a feeling
of happiness joy pride status
fulfillment love friendship any of these
feelings are chemically produced and all
of these feelings that I will
generically call happiness are born out
of basically the four chemicals they are
endorphins dopamine serotonin and
oxytocin Ed so let me go through them
really quickly endorphins the purpose of
endorphins is one thing of one thing
only to mask physical pain that’s it
that’s what endorphins do we all know
what an endorphin rush
or a runner’s high you go out there for
a run you’re pushing your body harder
than you’ve ever pushed your body before
and it feels good and so you keep going
and you keep going and at the end of
your run you still feel awesome those
endorphins are still surging through
your bloodstream and about an hour later
you are now in pain for damage you
caused to your muscles about an hour
before because the endorphins have now
run out endorphins served a very
practical purpose back in caveman days
we’re neither the strongest animals nor
the fastest animals how are we going to
eat how are we gonna get food the human
animal is made for endurance we can
track an animal we can go in a search
for something for hours and hours and
hours and miles and miles and miles and
we will wear out any gazelle on the
planet that’s what we’re made for and
when we’re out there and we’re tired we
don’t give up we feel good and we keep
pushing and maybe if we find food and we
have to carry something heavy back to
the tribe if we were tired we would give
up not a good system for survival and so
it feels good and so we keep going until
we get there a good system for survival
and it feels so good sometimes we crave
that feeling oh my god I had so much fun
hunting yesterday I will volunteer to go
tomorrow good system for survival we
often hear about endorphins for survival
in combat situations but for most of us
back home you know with supermarkets and
cars and whatnot it was pretty much no
survival need for endorphins whatsoever
and they pretty much the way we get them
is from heavy exercise and exerting our
bodies that’s pretty much it dopamine Oh
just a little kick a little side it’s
because of endorphins that laughing
feels good by the way when you laugh
you’re actually convulsing your internal
organs and so to hide that pain the body
makes us feel good we’ve all had the
experience where you laugh so hard you
say stop stop it hurts it’s cause the
endorphins are brunet dopamine dopamine
is the feeling you get when you find
something you’re looking for or you
accomplish something yet so you set out
to accomplish right so you know that
feeling you get when you cross something
off your to-do list how good does that
feel that’s dopamine right when you set
out to achieve one of your goals yes you
win the race yes you crossed the finish
line that amazing sense of I have won I
have found it you know that pair of
shoes that you want desperate and you
find them on sale
yes you
Google and you you put the thing and
that you’re looking for it comes up and
it feels so good because you wait for
the feeling you wait for the feeling try
new search to try new sit there it is
this is why we’re genetically
predisposed to collect stuff like you
don’t need another little figurine of an
elephant right
we like Queens and stamps and cards and
things because we love the feeling of
finding the thing we were looking for
we’re genetically predisposed for the
reason we have dopamine is more
practical than that it’s because if we
only went to look for food and we were
hungry and there was no guarantee that
we would find food not a good system for
survival and so mother nature has imbued
us with this wonderful chemical so that
we will go looking for food even when we
don’t need it
you get dopamine when you eat it’s why
we enjoy eating right because we get a
dopamine hit when we eat so to try and
get more of that feeling we will repeat
behavior that gets us the thing that
makes us feel good right so for example
you’re out for a wonder and in the
distance you see a little apple tree
shot a dopamine and what dopamine does
is it makes us focused on our goals
keeps us free from distraction fixated
on the goal we want to get and so we
start walking towards the apple tree
because we want the dopamine and as it
gets a little bigger we can sense that
we’re making progress
that’s what metrics are supposed to do
that they’re supposed to indicate that
we’re making progress towards some other
goal right it’s not the metrics itself
and so we sense that that we see the
tree get a little bigger we can another
little shot of dopamine and it keeps us
even more focused and we get it gets
bigger and another little shot of
dopamine right or the gazelle we lose
the gazelle we find them again shot a
dopamine keeps us focused on we’re gonna
get the gazelle right and then you
finally get the gazelle you finally get
to the apple tree yes immense sense of
dopamine right it’s like when you’re out
doing a run if you do a long run you you
passed
they put mile markers up for a reason
makes us feel like we’re making progress
each mile marker you pass it makes you
want to keep going and when you can see
the finish line even though you’re
exhausted you run even faster because
you can feel you want the dopamine of
crossing the finish line right this is
why we are told that our goals must be
tangible we are visual animals
we do not get dopamine without being
able to see the goal or at least imagine
it in our minds eye that’s why we call
them vision statements because you have
to be able to see them vision right so
that’s why we’re told like I said you
have to write down your goals we are no
good with Amorphis goals doesn’t work
we’re no good with the abstract we like
specific things we can see you will get
a bonus if you achieve more how much
more more doesn’t work tell me what I
need to do tell me where I need to get
and I’ll do it
dopamine dopamine won’t fire unless we
see the tree go find something on Google
doesn’t work that way what do you me to
find tell me what you want to look for
and then I can get that sense of
accomplishment right that’s what
dopamine does we were progress machines
a good vision must also be specific
something we can see in our minds eye
most vision statements are useless to be
the biggest to be the most respected to
be the most loved right to serve the
country I don’t even know what that
looks like
respected by whom your mother there’s no
metric for that kind of do it useless
Martin Luther King he had a good vision
I have a dream that one day little black
children and little white children will
hold hands together on the playground I
can see that I can imagine that if
that’s the kind of world that inspires
me that I want to live in I will fixate
my my target fixate on that target on
that goal and I will do what I need to
do to get closer and every milestone
that we reach that makes us feel like
we’re making progress inspires us to
keep working harder and harder and
harder to get that goal that’s good
vision
that’s good vision dopamine comes with a
warning
however dopamine is highly highly highly
addictive here are some other things
that release dopamine alcohol nicotine
gambling your cell phone right
think about how gambling works we know
what the tree is three sevens
you get three 7s it’s very specific you
get rich good pull the handle two sevens
fuel I’ll make a meeting progress
pull the handle again one seven so
a still making progress pull handle
missed it this time but I know I even
coming close cuz I saw it before I saw a
glimpse to the gazelle pull it again
it’s called addiction we get sucked into
it it’s tricking our system and so we
keep going and going and going and like
all addictions we will waste money we
will waste time and we will destroy
relationships that’s what addiction does
to us they say that if you wake up in
the morning and the first thing you do
is crave a drink you might be an
alcoholic if you wake up in the morning
the first thing you do is check your
phone even before you get out of bed you
might be an addict
if you walk from room to room in your
own home holding your telephone she
might be an addict right thank you yes
look at that doing the demonstration if
you’re driving your car and your phone
goes Bing right you can’t wait 15
minutes to get to where you’re going you
got to check it right now pull the
handle you might be an addict and even
what you do read it do you want to have
dinner next Thursday and you can’t wait
ten minutes to reply you could reply
right now odds are very high you have an
addiction yes we all hate all the email
we get what we love is the Bing the buzz
of the flash and the beat oh it feels so
good the reason we send so many texts
and emails is because we want replies in
fact when we don’t get a reply we become
unnerved
why haven’t they replied I want to reply
I hate all this email right we want the
current we crave it we’ve become
addicted to it and for all you Gen Y is
out there who like to think that you’re
better at multitasking because you grew
up with all this technology then why do
you keep crashing your cars while you’re
texting the fact of the matter is you’re
not better at multitasking you’re better
being distracted and it is probable that
an entire generation has grown up with
an addiction to dopamine in the form of
social media it’s highly probable and we
see some examples of this the cases of
diagnosed ADHD have risen 66% in the
past decade okay now ADHD is a frontal
lobe issue are you telling me there’s
something in the water that’s making an
entire generation grew up with a frontal
lobe disorder probably not there are
genuine cases of all these things of
course
but the diagnosis of ADHD eerily looks
like an addiction to a distraction as
well distractibility unable to focus
etcetera etc etc it’s just an addiction
we can also become addicted to
performance in some organizations we
where we’re metrics are king we
literally become addicted to making the
numbers getting the efficiencies driving
the numbers we’re addicted to hitting
each goal hitting each goal hitting each
goal because the rewards we get or all
dopamine literally our organizations
become addicted to making the numbers
and like all addiction it comes with
expenses time money and relationships
and when relationships break down we
expose ourselves to danger from outside
that’s why we have these two chemicals
these are selfish chemicals you don’t
need anybody’s help to get them go for a
run go through your to-do lists meet
your goals you’ll get feelings of good
and joy and you’re good to go
right you can do it all by yourself
these chemicals are the selfless
chemicals you can’t get them by yourself
and you need other people’s help and
it’s these chemicals that ensure that we
trust each other work together love each
other and cooperate when these chemicals
are out of balance we become addicted to
performance we become addicted to social
media we become addicted to ourselves
when they are in balance we’re committed
to service and looking after each other
and have the confidence that others will
look after us let me tell you bout the
first chemical serotonin serotonin is
the leadership chemical it is the
feeling of pride it is the feeling of
status there are many ways you can get
serotonin one way is public recognition
right when you are pointed to and say
our tribe values you that’s all we want
we all want to feel that our tribe
values us that our work our opinions
matter and so when we are called out and
said you’re good it feels good right
that’s why public displays of these
things are important you have a dinner
and you say I just like to call out a
couple names if you could please stand
up you’ve done really well you Judy if
you could stand up Dave if you could
stand up and you stand up and somebody
reads your name and everybody’s like
feels awesome
that’s serotonin you feel your status
rise in the community because you
recognize the community values more and
it inspires you to work harder for the
community that’s what it’s doing right
think about it what do you need to
graduate college pay your bills
accomplish enough you know get collect
enough credits fulfill your minimum
requirements tada you’ve graduated it’s
just a formula right so technically they
could just send you an email that says
congratulations you’ve graduated college
please enclose find the PDF of your
diploma to print out PS magna laude
nice job babe wouldn’t feel good right
accomplishment was the same you worked
hard wouldn’t feel good so what we have
is a big ceremony and we fight all of
our friends and our teachers and all of
the people who believed in us and
trusted us and wanted us to do well and
sacrifice for us and we have a big
public display where they recognize our
accomplishment thanks to their support
and we walk up on the stage and that
young college graduate who walks up on
the stage at the exact moment she takes
the diploma she feels the serotonin
coursing through her veins she feels her
status rise she feels her confidence
rise she feels good she feels amazing it
feels incredible and all she wants to do
is more but here’s the best part about
serotonin at the exact same moment that
that graduate grabs her diploma her
parents sitting in the audience also get
a surge of serotonin and they feel proud
watching their child graduate what
serotonin is attempting to do is
reinforce the relationship between
parent and child boss-and-employee coach
and player the one who was giving the
care and the one who is receiving the
care the supporter and the supported
because we share the serotonin the more
proud I feel of your accomplishment the
harder I’m gonna work to protect you and
offer you education and discipline and
an opportunity so you’ll continue to do
that and what do we do for the people
who care about us we work hard so as not
to let them down because we want to make
they’re out we want to prove to them
that their sacrifice was worth it
when we get an award who’s the first
person we thank watch the Oscars what
who’s the first person they think they
thank God they thanked their parents or
they thanked the director they thanked
whomever they believed was looking over
them and giving them protection and
offering them support so that they had
the strength to accomplish this
remarkable thing I could not have done
it alone is the first thing they say and
if we if we give an award to the coach
the coaches I couldn’t have done it
without this amazing team and they go
serotonin is trying desperately to get
asked to look after each other and make
each other proud and feel proud so we’ll
push each other harder and look after
each other I call it the leadership
chemical because it is that feeling of
Pride and status and the reason it’s the
leadership chemical is again very
practical why do we have leaders it’s
all fine and good that we teach
leadership but why do we have leaders
let’s do away with them who needs them
we’re all equal how’s that let’s try
that doesn’t work for very practical
reason
back in those Paleolithic days we lived
in populations of about a hundred to 150
people we maxed out about 150 right very
practical problem exists we’re all
hungry somebody brings back a carcass
dumps it on the ground we all rush in to
eat if you’re lucky enough to be built
like a linebacker you will shove your
way to the front of the line if you’re
the artist of the family you will get an
elbow in the face not a good system
because the odds are very high that when
linebackers sleeping the guy who got an
elbow in the face is not gonna wake him
and alert him to danger bad system not
good for the tribe and so we evolved
into hierarchical animals we are
naturally hierarchical animals we are
always assessing each other in terms of
alpha and beta who’s stronger than me
who’s dominant over me who who can I
dominate we’re always doing it it’s why
guys like to posture when they meet
girls like to show how strong they are
like prove how alpha they are they wear
nice clothes to demonstrate success
right because everybody wants to date
the Alpha right it’s always about
demonstration right it’s a variable it’s
not a constant in other words
The Criterion audio is the same if
you’re a wrestler physical strength
might be the standard if you’re a
musician talent might be the standard
right so you might be an alpha in one
scenario not in another right that’s why
we have insecurities sometimes when
we’re out of our element sometimes we’ve
all had the experience where we’re
meeting somebody and we’re nervous to
meet them you’re not the Alpha we’ve all
had the experience where we’re meeting
somebody we can sense that they’re
nervous meeting us you’re the alpha
right
the reason we’re hierarchical is because
once we have assessed who our alphas are
we voluntarily step back and we allow
our alpha Steve first alphas get first
choice of meat the first choice of mate
there are benefits to being the king
people give you stuff you get stuff for
free you get looked after people carry
your bags they call you sir they call
you ma’am it’s good to be the king right
that’s why we vie for the King because
we get first choice of meat and mate to
this day we are perfectly comfortable
with giving advantages to those who
outrank us in the hierarchy right not a
single person here has a problem with
somebody more senior than you making
more money than you you might think
they’re an ass but you’re okay with the
fact that they make more money nobody
has a problem with somebody that
outranks you getting a nicer office
better parking does not offend us at all
in fact we almost expect it can you
imagine if the President of the United
States had to carry his own suitcases
we’d be like what he’s the president we
can’t get somebody who carries back I
will do it it would be an honor
right when we admire our alphas we’re
actually very happy to do menial labor
for them check it out
carrying the prison’s bags be will
actually go home and be like you’ll
never believe what I did today
I carried luggage for the president
right it matters in service to our
leaders we like to serve our leaders
however
doesn’t come free it does not come free
as Lieutenant General Flynn of the
United States Marine Corps Academy grad
told me the cost of leadership is
self-interest and he’s right you see the
group is not stupid yes we gave our
leader the first choice of meat first
choice of mate they’re better fed than
we are
we gave our leader love and adoration
and all the respect we held doors for
them and they feel their status rise and
they use with serotonin we gave that to
them they’re actually also naturally
stronger because we expect that when
danger threatens the tribe the person
who’s actually stronger better fed
animal covenant will rush towards the
danger to protect us that’s the cost of
leadership that’s why we gave you first
choice of meat because you might die
young and we want your genes in the gene
pool we’re not stupid this is the cost
of leadership
it’s your willingness to sacrifice
yourself sacrifice your comfort
sacrifice your perks when it matters for
the good of your people leadership is
not a rank it is a choice it is a
responsibility to offer protection to
those to the left and those to the right
there are some people who have positions
of authority who are not leaders and
there are some positions that have no
formal Authority who have very much
leaders and we naturally will put the
people at the top of the hierarchy who
would be willing to sacrifice for us
this is why it is the law that if you
win the Congressional Medal of Honor a
four-star salutes you because the formal
rank is secondary to your willingness to
sacrifice for others that’s natural
this is why we’re so viscerally offended
by some of the bankers who pay
themselves disproportionately high
bonuses and has nothing to do with the
numbers it has everything to do with
their violation of the deep-seated
social contract we have with each other
and with our leaders because we know
that not only were they ok watching
their people get sacrificed they could
get their big bonus
sometimes they sacrifice their people so
they could get the big bonuses record
high layoffs
right that’s what so viscerally offends
us they’ve actually violated the
deep-seated social contract the very
anthropological definition of what it
means to be a leader what if I told you
were gonna give a hundred and fifty
million dollar bonus to Nelson Mandela
anybody got a problem with that no two
hundred and fifty million dollar bonus
bonus to mother Teresa got an issue with
that no it’s not the numbers it’s the
social contract the very definition of
leadership is not your ability to get
people to do things it’s not your
ability to get people to do your bidding
the very definition of leadership is to
offer safety and protection to those in
your care so they feel so safe in the
environment which they live and work
that they would voluntarily offer their
blood sweat and tears to see your intent
your vision and your goals advanced they
will volunteer to do that because they
know that you would do it to them
that’s the deal and that’s why it works
well together
oxytocin oxytocin is the feeling of love
friendship loyalty trust it’s all the
warm and fuzzies it’s all the unicorns
and rainbows right when you sit on it’s
like why it’s fun to hang out with our
friend you can sit on a couch and watch
TV for three hours and never exchange a
word with each other and when they leave
you be like hey thanks to coming at such
a good time you didn’t do anything you
watch TV right it’s the company we keep
with people we love that’s oxytocin
right it’s that deep-seated bond of love
and trust it’s not it doesn’t happen
overnight you can go on one date and get
married it takes time builds up
sometimes it’s quicker sometimes it’s
slower it takes time and effort and it’s
like a dance
vulnerability do things for people pull
back you know the organization does it
for me we do it for the organization my
boss does it for me we do it for the
boss my colleagues do for me I do for my
colleagues the other Midshipmen do it
for me I do for them and if then
eventually I mean you know I know from
Parris Island right on the first day
that they get there and they’re all
standing on the yellow footprints right
they ain’t thinking about anybody else
but themselves that’s it solo me and the
first thing they’re di will say to them
first word they will hear yelled at them
are from this day on the words I me my
are no longer in your vocabulary they
will be replaced by we together in us
now they’re not listening but that is
what will happen and for the first two
weeks or so of boot camp those young
recruits care about one thing and one
thing only looking good proving to the
DI that I deserve to be here I’m good
enough to be a Marine
so the Marines keep putting them in
situations that they will fail if they
try and do things by themselves here are
steps they are 12 feet apart you have to
climb to the top good luck there’s a
reason it’s called the confidence course
it’s because they’re working to build
out their individual confidence the
Marines know that people will not serve
the team will not serve the group until
they believe in their own ability they
know that I mean think about it there’s
only a finite number of people that
exhibit personality does exist in the
world you can form your own team here
you can choose here’s option one
somebody who does not believe in their
own ability option two somebody who does
believe in their own ability but thinks
they’re better than everyone else
option three someone who does believe in
their ability but does nothing
better than everyone else who do you
want on your team such an obvious
question it’s stupid we want the person
who believes in themselves and doesn’t
think they’re better than everybody else
okay how do you gonna do that you have
to train that you have to Train
confidence like parents try and teach
their kids to be confidence we put them
in situations where they can do more
than they thought they could do
but they couldn’t do it without each
other Marines think they’re the best oh
my god they don’t stop talking about but
they don’t think they’re better than
other Marines that’s what makes it work
right that’s what makes it work oxytocin
is that love is that trust that we can
eat that we can rely on each other there
are many ways you can get oxytocin one
is shared adversity shared hardship
think about your best day at work think
about your best day you’ve ever had it’s
not the time where everything went
smoothly came in under budget and
finished on time and you completed the
mission huge success that sounds like it
should be your best day but it’s not
your best days or when everything went
wrong you’re up to a three o’clock in
the morning and even though it wasn’t a
success for some reason you have really
fun memories of it it’s because of the
shared adversity and the relationships
you remember nobody wants to go to
combat but people come back from
deployment and they talk about with
fondness you know they didn’t enjoy it
but how much they appreciated it and
it’s the bonds that they form suicides
of the military you know slight majority
of the suicides in military are people
who do not get deployed it’s not combat
deployment it’s people who stay home
where all of their friends go and form
the relationships in other shared
adversity they left back by themselves
lonely it makes us feel uneasy right
there’s weird things that start to
happen where these social and most
shared adversity it releases oxytocin
another thing that releases oxytocin
human contact the more people love each
other the more they touch each other
right high fives
you know slap an athlete’s slap each
other like we hugged the people we love
we hold hands we would get each other
oxytocin when we meet somebody as a sign
of respect what we do is shake hands we
touch
lots of touching right that’s why you
have to hold children the more you hold
children they’ve done a wonderful study
the children who don’t get touched I
think the numbers thirty two times a day
are more likely to grow up to be
criminals
that’s because when we have oxytocin in
our butt and our body’s oxytocin gives
us the capacity for empathy oxytocin
gives us the capacity for respect and
love and if you lack those things if you
don’t have oxytocin in your system you’d
be kind of um and but that it can you
become incredibly incredibly selfish the
more oxytocin we have in our bodies it
also reduces our susceptibility to to
addiction so the less oxytocin you have
the more addictive personality you have
it’s love it’s trust here’s another way
you get oxytocin acts of kindness backs
of human generosity an act of human
generosity is defined as giving of your
time and energy with no expectation of
anything in return money doesn’t work if
I told you that on my way here before I
came here I went online and I gave 500
dollars to charity what would you think
of me he’d be like good for you
right but if I told you that last
Saturday I gave up half a day and I went
to paintin schools in the inner city
then would you think of me like nice
cool I should do more right we as human
animals put a premium on those who are
willing to spend a non redeemable
commodity time energy right we’ve all
sat in meetings or watched movies and
thought to ourselves I will never get
this time back some of you are sitting
right here right now going I will never
get this time back I got nothing for you
I got nothing for you
right money you can make back time and
energy you do not and so we as human
animals that are constantly looking to
see and learn if we can trust people if
they’re willing to give to us we’ll give
more trust to those who were willing to
give their non redeemable goal run
non-edible commodity to us this is why
email doesn’t work right if I come to
your house for dinner you make me a
lovely dinner the next day I send you a
wonderful email thank you sir what an
amazing host you are or three days later
you receive a handwritten note from me
with the exact same words which would
make you feel better
handwritten note same words same
intention
same in same desire the difference is
you know it took me a little more time
and a little more energy for the note
and it makes you feel better
email doesn’t work it’s too easy email
is great for the exchange of information
email is great what time’s the meeting
four o’clock here is the PowerPoint you
asked for here it is it is terrible to
tell people what you think of their
ideas it is terrible to tell them what
your ideas are it is terrible to
criticize people it is terrible to
compliment people these are emotional
things these are trust-building
mechanisms and they do not work an email
get up and walk over and tell them call
them hey I got you emails you want to
tell you what I thought of your idea
sure you know it’s why eyeball
leadership matters it’s why the senior
officer who goes to the frontlines
simply to say hi to everybody hey thanks
for your doing hey nice to meet you hey
how are you the reason it matters is
because everybody on the front lines
know that that person is really really
busy and has better things to do in
their mind and that they would get on a
plane travel for nine and a half hours
expose themselves to physical danger and
walk around simply to say hi to us means
they care huge impact in how we feel
about ourselves and the organization
with the knowledge that our leaders
would sacrifice their time and energy
for us I was walking down the streets of
New York and person in front of me their
backpack open and a bunch of paper
spilled out didn’t think much of it I
bent down gathered up the papers hand
them back pointed out that his bag had
opened up I did a small act of
generosity I got a small burst of
oxytocin it felt good felt nice the
person on the receiving end of the
generosity also gets a burst of oxytocin
thank you he said he felt good it’s nice
when somebody does something nice for us
Thanks
right both get a burst of oxytocin right
get to the end of the block true story
get to the end of the block I’m standing
waiting to cross the street and the guy
standing in front of me turns around and
says I saw what you did back there
that was really cool as it turns out
simply witnessing an act of generosity
releases oxytocin the human body is
trying desperately to get us to look
after each other and so it rewards us
with these immense feelings of
positivity and fulfillment and joy when
we do nice things for each other when
others do nice things for us and when we
witness others doing things because the
more oxytocin we have in our systems the
more generous we become the more
empathetic we become the healthier we
are oxytocin actually boosts your immune
system people in relationships live
longer than single people happy people
live longer than than unhappy people
right
it actually makes us better problem
solvers it opens up our brains
biologically I’m talking real biology
here right the more oxytocin you have in
your system the better you are problem
solving in other words a team of people
who care about each other can much
better solve a difficult problem than
teams of people who don’t care about
each other this is the power of this
stuff the human body is trying so hard
to get us to look after each other you
want to be a leader you have a choice
you can stab your way up the knives and
someone’s back and achieve Authority and
you will enjoy all the perks afforded to
you and in times of stress no one will
come to your aid people will do as you
say because they think they’re required
to but they will not give you their all
they will give you the minimum because
they don’t trust you or you could be
willing to sacrifice your own comfort
your own perks when it matters so that
others may gain and you will earn their
trust their loyalty and their love if
someone is struggling with their with
their studying and you are also studying
what is the choice you make do you get
up from your desk and you work with them
until the wee hours of the morning until
they get it maybe even sacrificing your
ability to study and maybe sacrificing
your own grey
that has significant implications in
your career it absolutely will if you
don’t make the grade that’ll hurt but
those are the steps it takes to become a
leader leadership is a choice that’s all
it is that’s all it is
the more you offer
this to others the more they offered
back
again you’ve heard the stories you’ve
met the people you meet people who have
sacrificed themselves that others may
gain they risk their lives Dakota Meyer
who won the Congressional Medal of Honor
the president asked him did you think
you were going to die to which he
replies the president no sir I knew I
was gonna die nobody runs into combat
forgotten country it just doesn’t exist
they do for the person to the left of
them and they do for the person to the
right of them and they do it and if you
ask anybody who did these things why did
you do it they all say the same thing
because they would have done it for me
that’s called leadership the shootings
that just had in Kenya in the mall there
was a photographer inside the mall and
captured the scene which we never get to
see we usually see the aftermath and
there’s one photograph which I want you
to look up and if you can print it out
and hang it on your wall inside your
room go to New York Times comm and just
look up the photograph of the key the
the photographs on the Kenya shooting
from the terrorist attack and there is a
photograph that haunts me and inspires
me every time I see it it is a mother
lying on top of her child okay so at the
sound of gunfire the sound of danger it
is the instinct no pros and cons Wade no
thought to what may happen to her it is
the instinct of the mother to throw
herself on top of her child that is a
picture of leadership that is the
personification of leadership if you
want to know what it takes to be leader
look at that picture every single
morning and think to yourself would I
without even thinking about it throw
myself on top of my people
intellectually we all think we would
throw ourselves on top of the grenade
right but it’s not a question of whether
you think you would or wouldn’t when the
grenade is thrown the question is to
others believe
when it was thrown and the question is
on a daily basis do I believe that you
would do that because if I don’t my
guard goes up I will protect myself from
you if I do
my guard goes down and I will do
whatever it takes to see that your
vision and your intent is followed and I
will do so with pride and I want to make
you proud because of the sacrifice you
gave
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