[Music]
what I want to say is through growing up
what I’ve discovered is that this world
is a very vast a very wonderful
beautiful one and there are so many
things to discover
but the most important journey I think
all of us will go through is the journey
in ourselves to find our truth to find
who we are and what makes us happy and
in our culture we are told that if we’re
beautiful if we’re skinny if we’re
successful famous if we fit in if
everyone loves us that we’ll be happy
but that’s not entirely true and this is
what I want to talk about basically I’m
gonna start with a poem that I wrote
when I wasn’t very happy I actually
wrote this a year ago but again as if
you know depression it comes back it’s a
reoccurring thing that you can’t really
sort away anyway Who am I Who am I
trying to be not myself anyone but
myself living in a fantasy to bury the
reality making myself the mystery a
strong facade disguising the misery
empty beyond the point of emptiness full
to the brim of fake confidence a God
that will never be broken because I
broke a long time ago I’m hurting but
don’t tell anyone no one needs to know
don’t show all you’ve failed always okay
always fine always on show the show must
go on it will never stop the show must
not go on but I know it well I give up I
give up giving up I am lost I don’t need
to be saved I need to be found basically
it’s kind of just the same rate
occurring thing of yeah not knowing who
you are and feeling again so yeah this
started when I was about 15 years old I
was at school I really wanted to do well
at school to please my parents to please
my family I didn’t really care that much
about school because I knew I was never
going to be very good at it
I think I pushed myself so far got to
the point where I had a bit of a mental
breakdown I was all those people that
just like just did enough work yes again
I probably I I am I have very bad
learning disability so if you look at my
writing it’s it’s not it’s not it’s not
good at all it’s probably like a nine
year old boy if you know what that looks
like but I was you know just pushing
past yeah so I got to the point where I
went a bit mad
I was completely suicidal didn’t want to
live anymore I thought that I was
completely alone I also realized how
lucky I was and what a wonderful family
wonderful friends I had but that didn’t
matter I wanted the world to swallow me
up and nothing seemed better to me than
death which is completely insane so I
just got taken out of school went to
therapy got put on antidepressants kind
of clawed my way back to some sort of
rational thought which took a while but
basically I stayed in school until 17
where I still was kind of played with
this depression and I was like I’m done
I need to leave which the rather large
disagreement for my parents I was I did
I left and I knew I had to do something
because otherwise I would just go crazy
so I started modeling there was elements
which were fun because it’s like this
camaraderie of people not being
successful when you can complain about
all the people who are rude to you but
it’s not it wasn’t nice
you constantly are told that you’re not
pretty enough and not tall enough and
not skinny enough and people are better
and when you’re young you think that
means I’m not good enough as a person
like that means I’m not living up to who
I should be and you kind of get battered
and bruised a lot but then you’ve kind
of grow a bit of a skin what would the
agencies like what was an agency like
because I always think they’re quite
macabre things yeah I mean the thing
with models is they
you get used that’s the thing I saw a
lot of misuse from photographers you
know perverse photographers to young
girls a lot of street photographers only
really do this because they want to
sleep with young models you know bad bad
kind of experiences in that sense not by
me but to other poor people poor girls
who don’t stand up for themselves
because you feel like you should be used
because that’s what models do but then
you know about a year into it I was
discovered I did Burberry and then
everybody wants you you know after so
long of being like nobody wants you
something like oh my god who’s that I
was like eyes met you five times I mean
pretty who sure you didn’t want me two
minutes ago but cool I had no concept of
saying no to anyone ever and this is one
of the most important show business
lessons actually learning how to say no
have you learned yet yes I think life
you should always experience things but
you should not you should say no I mean
it’s more about being control and not
being a puppet is what the most
important thing is and not doing
anything out and not doing anything
for anyone else apart from yourself
because after a while I just started to
get sick and I got this horrible thing
called psoriasis you look at yourself
like you’re an alien you’re like I’m so
disgusting it’s not good for you
especially at that time I felt more
disconnected for myself
than I think I ever had which I was for
a long time quite disconnected and as
well how do you cure something like that
well my agency were like because usually
you have to take time to fix internal
problems like it’s food and stress and
but you know they shoved me straight
into a doctor who had inject cortisone
into each spot which died them but not
really and they you know that kind of
thing it’s like all those problems I had
I feel like I’m asked with medicine
instead of taking the time to really
solve them but at that time I really
wanted someone to stop me I wanted
someone to go you need to take a break
you need to look after yourself and no
one did because would you I was the one
who had it all like I was I had what
everyone wanted yes
you would yeah what I would have that’s
what I wanted it was more like the
external life I couldn’t be lucky or
more blessed but the internal battles
that were going on we’ll just I also
felt like I never deserved any of it
that I was living someone else’s dream
at this point is just about like being
able to show like have a mirror up at
yourself and really look inside for what
you need and what happened was I
eventually said no and I eventually took
a break but yes so i said no i went i
started writing writing was something
that really saved my life again so that
problem poem probably came out then it
was like i would write and i would read
what i’d written and it was like someone
else was talking to me is how i feel it
was a very strange experience
and then after that I found yoga which
was a huge thing for me I didn’t cry a
lot I thought emotion as a kid was a
weakness I thought that if you are
emotional that like you know that’s like
a parent like just a silly thing to feel
and when I went to yoga I went I started
yoga as a superficial thing because like
I want to be flexible and fit you know
that cool yoga people are and I went in
to my yoga meet my guru yoga person and
and he was like why are you doing this
and I told him why and he sat me down
and we just started chanting and
although I me not meant to be doing like
whatever so I was chanting also angry
with myself no God and I broke through
something and I burst into tears which I
hadn’t done in years and I looked at him
and I was like what is wrong with you
how dare you you’re a monster why would
you do this and he was just laughing at
me that’s like you’re crazy man what is
wrong with you and he said if you hadn’t
of cried I would have been very worried
and I was like okay he was like and also
you realized that this is the first time
you’ve actually looked at me in the eye
and the reason why is because I knew
when I looked in his eyes that he saw
through me and he knew me and it freaked
me out but till this day I’ve been
seeing him a lot it’s like finding
finding people around you who have your
best interest at heart I have a lot of
people around me who were just after
what I gave them not like you know after
like looking after you and stuff
so it’s about finding people who care
about you and support and again I’ve now
become them being able to be a support
for other people as well so in turn that
kind of goes around when I was a kid I
always wanted to change the world
because all kids think they’re gonna be
superheroes
but I have so many messages in terms of
just young girls and how the mental
illness and depression is not something
to be ashamed of and I wish at that time
I had realized that other people go
through it that I can talk to other
people that you’re not alone you’re not
an alien and you know my message has
always been to accept yourself no matter
what to love yourself to embrace your
flaws I think flaws are the things that
make us special the cracks within us are
the beautiful parts that need to have
light shed on them otherwise they’re
just left and also women are great
they’re wonderful wonderful creatures
women are the bearer of life and I think
it took an experience of going to a talk
by a woman who dealt with so much you
know and like all these women hair is so
incredible like the last talk you know I
watched her on YouTube and it made me
cry and we witnessed these extreme
experiences that happened to women
suppression and all these other things
but really that happens every day and
we’re all used to it in the workplace in
relationships women are constantly
suppressed but it takes an extreme
circumstance for us to realize it
because we’re used to it that always
confuses me a lot but obviously I think
we’re changing that now slowly but
surely but yeah just the point of like
supporting each other and reaching out
and communicating it’s the most
important thing so I want to help
basically I don’t know how if anyone has
any suggestions when I got my first
audition that I cared about I cried my
eyes out because I never thought I was
gonna be taken seriously I never thought
I was gonna be an actor at all or a
model or anything I think as well I have
so many girls come out to me and tell me
that they want to be models which is
fine it’s not a bad thing I just think
there’s so much to do I just went to a
wonderful talk about genetic engineering
and neuroscience and this man who is
giving the talk
10,000 kids is from the age of 7 to 13
who are doing neuroscience they do these
competitions and wonderful things and
they’re doing things in your science
which haven’t been which weren’t done by
him until he was like 30 like how
quickly things like that are changing
and but they’re not there is an
awareness sport it’s cool stuff like
that like that sounds way cooler to me
than being a model but like no one
really knows about it and I just think
there are just so many things I always
say to Gaza just dream just dream bigger
go for president just keep going up astronauts own them
what I want to say is through growing up
what I’ve discovered is that this world
is a very vast a very wonderful
beautiful one and there are so many
things to discover
but the most important journey I think
all of us will go through is the journey
in ourselves to find our truth to find
who we are and what makes us happy and
in our culture we are told that if we’re
beautiful if we’re skinny if we’re
successful famous if we fit in if
everyone loves us that we’ll be happy
but that’s not entirely true and this is
what I want to talk about basically I’m
gonna start with a poem that I wrote
when I wasn’t very happy I actually
wrote this a year ago but again as if
you know depression it comes back it’s a
reoccurring thing that you can’t really
sort away anyway Who am I Who am I
trying to be not myself anyone but
myself living in a fantasy to bury the
reality making myself the mystery a
strong facade disguising the misery
empty beyond the point of emptiness full
to the brim of fake confidence a God
that will never be broken because I
broke a long time ago I’m hurting but
don’t tell anyone no one needs to know
don’t show all you’ve failed always okay
always fine always on show the show must
go on it will never stop the show must
not go on but I know it well I give up I
give up giving up I am lost I don’t need
to be saved I need to be found basically
it’s kind of just the same rate
occurring thing of yeah not knowing who
you are and feeling again so yeah this
started when I was about 15 years old I
was at school I really wanted to do well
at school to please my parents to please
my family I didn’t really care that much
about school because I knew I was never
going to be very good at it
I think I pushed myself so far got to
the point where I had a bit of a mental
breakdown I was all those people that
just like just did enough work yes again
I probably I I am I have very bad
learning disability so if you look at my
writing it’s it’s not it’s not it’s not
good at all it’s probably like a nine
year old boy if you know what that looks
like but I was you know just pushing
past yeah so I got to the point where I
went a bit mad
I was completely suicidal didn’t want to
live anymore I thought that I was
completely alone I also realized how
lucky I was and what a wonderful family
wonderful friends I had but that didn’t
matter I wanted the world to swallow me
up and nothing seemed better to me than
death which is completely insane so I
just got taken out of school went to
therapy got put on antidepressants kind
of clawed my way back to some sort of
rational thought which took a while but
basically I stayed in school until 17
where I still was kind of played with
this depression and I was like I’m done
I need to leave which the rather large
disagreement for my parents I was I did
I left and I knew I had to do something
because otherwise I would just go crazy
so I started modeling there was elements
which were fun because it’s like this
camaraderie of people not being
successful when you can complain about
all the people who are rude to you but
it’s not it wasn’t nice
you constantly are told that you’re not
pretty enough and not tall enough and
not skinny enough and people are better
and when you’re young you think that
means I’m not good enough as a person
like that means I’m not living up to who
I should be and you kind of get battered
and bruised a lot but then you’ve kind
of grow a bit of a skin what would the
agencies like what was an agency like
because I always think they’re quite
macabre things yeah I mean the thing
with models is they
you get used that’s the thing I saw a
lot of misuse from photographers you
know perverse photographers to young
girls a lot of street photographers only
really do this because they want to
sleep with young models you know bad bad
kind of experiences in that sense not by
me but to other poor people poor girls
who don’t stand up for themselves
because you feel like you should be used
because that’s what models do but then
you know about a year into it I was
discovered I did Burberry and then
everybody wants you you know after so
long of being like nobody wants you
something like oh my god who’s that I
was like eyes met you five times I mean
pretty who sure you didn’t want me two
minutes ago but cool I had no concept of
saying no to anyone ever and this is one
of the most important show business
lessons actually learning how to say no
have you learned yet yes I think life
you should always experience things but
you should not you should say no I mean
it’s more about being control and not
being a puppet is what the most
important thing is and not doing
anything out and not doing anything
for anyone else apart from yourself
because after a while I just started to
get sick and I got this horrible thing
called psoriasis you look at yourself
like you’re an alien you’re like I’m so
disgusting it’s not good for you
especially at that time I felt more
disconnected for myself
than I think I ever had which I was for
a long time quite disconnected and as
well how do you cure something like that
well my agency were like because usually
you have to take time to fix internal
problems like it’s food and stress and
but you know they shoved me straight
into a doctor who had inject cortisone
into each spot which died them but not
really and they you know that kind of
thing it’s like all those problems I had
I feel like I’m asked with medicine
instead of taking the time to really
solve them but at that time I really
wanted someone to stop me I wanted
someone to go you need to take a break
you need to look after yourself and no
one did because would you I was the one
who had it all like I was I had what
everyone wanted yes
you would yeah what I would have that’s
what I wanted it was more like the
external life I couldn’t be lucky or
more blessed but the internal battles
that were going on we’ll just I also
felt like I never deserved any of it
that I was living someone else’s dream
at this point is just about like being
able to show like have a mirror up at
yourself and really look inside for what
you need and what happened was I
eventually said no and I eventually took
a break but yes so i said no i went i
started writing writing was something
that really saved my life again so that
problem poem probably came out then it
was like i would write and i would read
what i’d written and it was like someone
else was talking to me is how i feel it
was a very strange experience
and then after that I found yoga which
was a huge thing for me I didn’t cry a
lot I thought emotion as a kid was a
weakness I thought that if you are
emotional that like you know that’s like
a parent like just a silly thing to feel
and when I went to yoga I went I started
yoga as a superficial thing because like
I want to be flexible and fit you know
that cool yoga people are and I went in
to my yoga meet my guru yoga person and
and he was like why are you doing this
and I told him why and he sat me down
and we just started chanting and
although I me not meant to be doing like
whatever so I was chanting also angry
with myself no God and I broke through
something and I burst into tears which I
hadn’t done in years and I looked at him
and I was like what is wrong with you
how dare you you’re a monster why would
you do this and he was just laughing at
me that’s like you’re crazy man what is
wrong with you and he said if you hadn’t
of cried I would have been very worried
and I was like okay he was like and also
you realized that this is the first time
you’ve actually looked at me in the eye
and the reason why is because I knew
when I looked in his eyes that he saw
through me and he knew me and it freaked
me out but till this day I’ve been
seeing him a lot it’s like finding
finding people around you who have your
best interest at heart I have a lot of
people around me who were just after
what I gave them not like you know after
like looking after you and stuff
so it’s about finding people who care
about you and support and again I’ve now
become them being able to be a support
for other people as well so in turn that
kind of goes around when I was a kid I
always wanted to change the world
because all kids think they’re gonna be
superheroes
but I have so many messages in terms of
just young girls and how the mental
illness and depression is not something
to be ashamed of and I wish at that time
I had realized that other people go
through it that I can talk to other
people that you’re not alone you’re not
an alien and you know my message has
always been to accept yourself no matter
what to love yourself to embrace your
flaws I think flaws are the things that
make us special the cracks within us are
the beautiful parts that need to have
light shed on them otherwise they’re
just left and also women are great
they’re wonderful wonderful creatures
women are the bearer of life and I think
it took an experience of going to a talk
by a woman who dealt with so much you
know and like all these women hair is so
incredible like the last talk you know I
watched her on YouTube and it made me
cry and we witnessed these extreme
experiences that happened to women
suppression and all these other things
but really that happens every day and
we’re all used to it in the workplace in
relationships women are constantly
suppressed but it takes an extreme
circumstance for us to realize it
because we’re used to it that always
confuses me a lot but obviously I think
we’re changing that now slowly but
surely but yeah just the point of like
supporting each other and reaching out
and communicating it’s the most
important thing so I want to help
basically I don’t know how if anyone has
any suggestions when I got my first
audition that I cared about I cried my
eyes out because I never thought I was
gonna be taken seriously I never thought
I was gonna be an actor at all or a
model or anything I think as well I have
so many girls come out to me and tell me
that they want to be models which is
fine it’s not a bad thing I just think
there’s so much to do I just went to a
wonderful talk about genetic engineering
and neuroscience and this man who is
giving the talk
10,000 kids is from the age of 7 to 13
who are doing neuroscience they do these
competitions and wonderful things and
they’re doing things in your science
which haven’t been which weren’t done by
him until he was like 30 like how
quickly things like that are changing
and but they’re not there is an
awareness sport it’s cool stuff like
that like that sounds way cooler to me
than being a model but like no one
really knows about it and I just think
there are just so many things I always
say to Gaza just dream just dream bigger
go for president just keep going up astronauts own them
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