I have a lot of moments where I’m like
shy and I don’t want to be you know I
want to be like away from people but I
think certain challenges always make me
have to step it up and so I push I push
myself a lot you know life begins
outside of your comfort zone and you
know sometimes it’s good to push
yourself and do the unexpected and you
never know what you might find you will
never know the answer unless if you ask
and that’s what my father always taught
me is like you’re never gonna know if
you don’t ask so ask and that’s what I
do and that’s kind of how I also am
community I communicate with my team we
know we’re a team but also we know that
we can talk very directly to each other
because that’s how we set it up from the
beginning and whoever the boss is you
set the tone you know this is your arena
so how are you set the tone is the way
things are gonna go so I always set the
tone with kindness first and then let’s
get ish done baby you know I think it’s
always part of life to have some knocks
as well as some successes and take risks
and you know to learn so I think it’s
healthy for everyone to to lose a job as
well as to gain a job you can’t really
form other people’s opinions of you and
you know I became successful at a very
young age and I like from the first day
after winning Wimbledon you know you
would think like a teenager wins
Wimbledon but not everyone was positive
about it everyone wanted to know the
story and you know blaming my parents
for having their child to go through
this crazy journey and working hard and
not having a normal childhood like
everyone is always going to find
something in your success or in your
story or upbringing that will try to
knock you down like literally whether
it’s their purpose whether it’s a news
outlet whatever it might be you never
know the intention but yeah I I don’t
want to form people’s opinion I just
want to be and live true to who I am
every day
then that’s the only thing that I can do
you can’t really control what other
people think of you or how how they end
up remembering you you took money off
the table if you didn’t give what
anybody else thought what’s the thing
you would love to be doing with your
life seriously do you dream of being a
professional photographer do you want to
open your own restaurant you always
thought about traveling the world and
entertaining kids with your juggling
skills I don’t know it’s your life you
get to choose what you want to do be
honest with yourself what is it that you
would want to do with your life if you
didn’t have to pay the bills doing it
another thing you can ask yourself who
do you find yourself sort of envious of
you know like you look at their life and
you just think gosh how awesome that
they get to do that well once you have
that answer for yourself you’ve gotten
really honest you push the Bulls aside
and you’ve really asked it for yourself
and answered the question honestly all
you got to do is explore it that’s it
just find one thing that you can do to
enrich and expand your knowledge about
it find one course online Google the
topic stalk people that are pursuing
this line of work that’s how you start
to do it one step of time so start with
answering the question what do you
really want with a massive dose of
honesty Google the topic and find one
thing that you can do just one push
yourself and start to explore if you
were to wake up and do that every single
day spend 10 minutes a day you would be
startled astonished by what your life
looks like in a matter of a year or two
because I believe ambition is not a
dirty word it’s just believing in
yourself and your abilities imagine this
what would happen if we were all brave
enough to believe in our own ability to
be a little bit more ambitious I think
the world would change I say to the my
girls all of the time that your real
work is to figure out where your power
base is
personality your gifts that you have to
give with the real reason why you’re
here that’s that’s the number one thing
you have to do is to work on yourself
and to fill your self up and keep your
cup full keep yourself full now I used
to be afraid of that I used to be afraid
particularly from people who say oh she
said she’s so full of herself she’s so
close or so and now I embrace it I
considered a compliment
that I am full of myself because you
only when you’re full I’m full I’m
overflowing my cup runneth over
I have so much I have so much to offer
and so much to give and I am not afraid
of honoring myself you know it’s
miraculous when you think about it
I never the first ballet recitals that I
danced in pointe shoes and I was so
nervous because it was the first time
that I was gonna get on stage everyone
that I loved and care about was going to
be in that audience and I didn’t want to
let him down I didn’t want to let myself
down how I sort of learned to cope with
that it’s just really to take that
anxiety that that sort of adrenaline and
actually pour it into something
productive meaning like what can you do
to best prepare for that moment so when
it came to the point where it was
Showtime it was time to get out on that
stage I knew that I did everything I
possibly could to get out there and feel
amazing and just perform and I think
something clicked in me however it
doesn’t always go right there was a time
I remember I walked in a Fendi runway
show and I you know made a little slip
and kind of slipped off the runway and
but all you can do is do your best even
when you make mistakes sometimes those
can be the most important experience is
to learn from it’s so hard I thought
doing this research I thought going into
it they’re authentic people and
authentic people mhm I had I did not
find any evidence of that at all what I
found is authenticity to practice and
you choose it every day sometimes every
hour of every day and it’s a practice
it’s not I just wake up in ham authentic
it’s that when you walk into a meeting
you have to make the choice am I gonna
show up and let myself be seen am I
gonna if I’m gonna raise my hands like
wow y’all look super excited I don’t
know what in the hell you’re talking
about you know that’s a choice yes
uh-huh
right well and what tend to be make that
authentic choice you know let go of the
faker faker ooh I said yeah I call it’s
a faker roof but you know what I have
found I mean I consider myself to be an
authentic person but when I am
inauthentic is when I’ve allowed myself
to be around people who were not and
then I have to fake it to be with them
oh it’s contagious yes so they’re faking
it yeah then and you know you’re in that
situation when you do that haha that
kind of haha you’re laughing at jokes
that aren’t funny you’re pretending to
be comfortable when you’re not and lose
your own authenticity yeah I do it I
feel like when you undertake any big
task you kind of have this crisis of
faith in yourself and you’re like I
can’t do it it’s if I couldn’t like I
just can’t so I had that and and for you
know for a brief moment I was like I
guess I’m not gonna do the role I I
can’t do nudity and I can’t I would
never be good enough for this anyway and
and then you know the thought occurred
to me oh I guess who’s gonna play it
then and then that just infuriated me
the thought of someone else playing my
role I was like well they couldn’t
possibly do the role no I have to do it
because no one else could possibly do
the role so so yes no I had my moment of
my crisis of faith I haven’t actually
been given a piece of advice that I can
recall right now but I guess when anyone
asks me like what should I do I’m just
like just do anything anything will lead
to something else and and you just gotta
get out there and take a chance even if
it’s unpaid work whatever it is it will
lead to something better so do
everything yep do it all don’t
that feedback on your product your idea
or your business just for validation
purposes be really careful about that
you want to tell the people that can
help move your idea forward but if
you’re just looking to your friend
coworker husband wife for validation be
careful because out of love and concern
a lot of people will express some
concerns and it can stop a lot of
multi-million dollar ideas right in
their tracks in the beginning so today
you should think okay my co-founders do
we do we cover a lot of surface area do
we have different skill sets and is it
somebody that that I trust fundamentally
and that’s those are really really
really important questions to ask
yourself because if so they give a
really strong foundation to go forward
if you’re gonna start your own thing you
know maybe you have a grand grand vision
of like all the different features
that’s gonna have and all the different
you know revenue lines you’re gonna do
and you know keep keep that vision but
do one piece of that first and do it
really really really well it’s so much
better to do a few things well than many
things poorly and I find even with
myself that it’s really hard to do a
Minimum Viable Product this minimum that
you’re constantly thinking no no it
really has to have this other partner
really has to have this and then you
over build and then you have to unbilled
and D build which is very disappointing
so doing a Minimum Viable Product is
really important and it’s even more
minimum than you think it is so it’s
about this movement forward now what you
own not your education or your pedigree
not pile of resources you might have at
hand not your network just going after
this thing and knowing that as you do
that you’ll find what you need you’ll
make your way over around and through
and I think the best entrepreneurs that
I’ve met are able to do that because
they have this strong vision and they
know that it’s worth it to keep moving
forward I think you know if you know why
you’re doing something and what it is
that you’re trying to get then it’s a
question of being very very open to
failure and I’m and just you know trying
again and again and again until you get
it both continue
to change and continue to get bigger and
I think as I as I sort of reached
certain milestones certain
accomplishments you know it only makes
me realize that I need to dream bigger
and I think that same thing for you guys
I think as you really build that
confidence through your career as you
really start start you know building
your career and building your
relationships and seeing your dreams
actually realized you just have to
continue to keep dreaming bigger and
that’s why it’s so important to always
continue learning in my opinion because
there’s always there’s you’ve never made
it I think we all can always continue to
do let’s do more to be better and bigger
we definitely see this this room
everyone seems to have this aspect of
rushing like rushing to get to the next
step and rushing to make a certain
amount of money and when I when I think
of goals I don’t necessarily think of
specifics I just think of more feelings
of how I would feel when I get to that
what is my success and how does that
feel like instead of saying okay I want
to I want to win this amount of titles
and I want to win this amount of Grand
Slams or I want to earn this amount of
money I think that always I think more
of the feeling how am I gonna feel when
I win match point I visualize it I
embrace that feeling and I carry it with
me like you visualize it all the time or
in the moment I think moments and and I
think it always comes when you least
expect it sometimes you can be on a on a
run sometimes those long plane rides
where you know it’s sunset and and it’s
just you and you’ve been traveling and
you’re going home and you have no one
around you just yourself on the flight
it’s just a bunch undreds of strangers
next to you and you have this moment
where you start thinking of why you’re
doing this why are you lonely why are
you in this position and you think of
what you’ve already done to get there
and where you would like to see yourself
go so it those moments always come at a
different I don’t I don’t sit down and I
think okay right now I’m going to
visualize the feeling that I might have
when I just went to tournament or yeah
but I definitely I
important to when you say things or you
know and when a friend of mine says
something negative and I was like don’t
put that in the universe I put that out
there yeah I do believe in that there’s
some sense of truth in that because it’s
also comes with and you carry with that
attitude you know when someone says
something negative you usually see their
attitude change and shows up in your
body and you’re yeah yeah and I mean I
for sure do that as well and I have my
moments and but the faster you
acknowledge it and realize it the faster
you can move on so let’s talk about
Starbucks Starbucks in 2008 very
interesting thing happened and many of
you if you are in the financial services
market then probably know this that
their net income decreased by about 28%
that year and at the time they had
16,000 stores in 44 countries and they
had gone through this massive explosive
growth segment in terms of going from
going public in I think it was like 1992
they only had 125 stores and now here we
are 2008 they’ve got 16,000 so what ends
up happening is Howard Schultz who is
the chairman of the board comes back in
as the CEO very complex situation right
you’ve got operations in 44 countries
you’ve got massive reduction in terms of
the profits that you have you’ve got the
stock market and Wall Street screaming
at you you’ve got customers that are
going to Dunkin Donuts because there’s a
recession that’s hitting so what do you
do well he was very clear again back to
the two rules what do I stand for like
what is it what is what am i doing and
what do I want the outcome to be so he
was very clear that what he stood for as
a leader and what Starbucks should stand
for is the Starbucks experience he
wanted to go back to the beginning and
reintroduce people to the romance of
having a cup of coffee because you know
that’s how Starbucks launched in the
beginning that he was traveling and was
over in Italy and was like God why don’t
we in places like these great stops to
have a little cup of coffee over in the
United States
boom Starbucks an idea it’s born it’s
launched so he decides he’s going to do
whatever he can to get the romance of
how
a cup of coffee back in life in any
situation whether you’re talking about
growing your company growing your bank
account getting in a relationship
getting out of a relationship getting
something done at the school system that
your kids are going to on behalf of your
kids whatever it is that you’re up to in
life this is the only question that you
need to ask yourself well what is it
that I want because the truth of the
matter is if you can answer that you can
have it from the time I was seven years
old
every Saturday I would go for four hours
of acting class every Saturday whoa
and I loved it I just left it till the
point with all the kids graduated and
went on to the other stuff and I started
doing adult acting classes and then I
was in the commercial classes and then I
loved like a hair and makeup classes and
just everything I just couldn’t get
enough I don’t make notes
I don’t I I react very instinctively to
everything I’m a great believer in
traveling a great deal
I don’t believe meetings more than two
people in a meeting as too many I really
it’s true do you know about stand-ups
okay so in Silicon Valley now when you
have a meeting everybody stands in a
circle like they’re meditating that’s
that’s how maybe I should try that I
think the more you go out the more you
see the more you experience life the
more you bring back to your day job so
as I was trying to say in my remarks I
think the problem that big corporations
is you get a lot of people my age trying
to hold on to their jobs and you know
clinging on to their pensions and their
retirement and they’re not experiencing
new things and they don’t like change
and they don’t like disruption so
they’re either they don’t make a
decision or they say no and as a result
they stagnate so it’s terribly important
to bring people in from the outside and
not to remain too insular and also to
harass many young bright people like all
of you as you can just to teach you how
to think about things completely
differently I don’t know there’s a lot
of negativity to some degree a lot of
grind it just kind of feels like the
grind a little bit and so I just kind of
felt like it wasn’t a space that I
wanted to be in as much anymore like I I
want to be in a happy space where I’m
just doing things that have bring me joy
and yeah it just it wasn’t doing that as
much or I was noticing it I was noticing
I was missing that or wanting it more I
think that’s really what it comes from
is growing as a person and realizing I
think everybody’s afraid to take chances
and do something new in their life
because they’re identified a certain way
or they’ll be judged if they don’t do it
or judged if they do something different
and who are they now and are they crazy
and what are they thinking and you know
it’s just life just do things that make
you happy I wake up some days and I feel
like I’m going to take over the world
and conquer everything in life and then
the next day I feel like the most
insecure person in the world and I
really think those low days are the days
that you have to give yourself
affirmations that you have to talk
yourself out of that funk that you have
to make sure that you’re surrounding
yourself with people who aren’t gonna
take you down I mean like I had a
boyfriend who you know was a negative
person in my life and did I realize it
early enough no it took me two years to
understand that and it was a perpetual
negativity and I think that if you have
the tools
to make that bad day a good day you fake
it till you make it you use those
affirmations you too can have a good day
but it’s really just about making a
conscious effort yeah absolutely fake it
till you make it I’m that’s how I got
here yeah I just feel like advice that I
would that I would give it’s just like
let yourself be so consumed in in your
art or whatever your passion is it’s
literally the greatest feeling in the
world
it’s like love like it’s you know to
just let yourself be just like swallowed
whole by what makes you feel alive and
what connects you to you know the
universe and that inner voice it there’s
nothing more more beautiful than that
and it’s such a it’s such a selfless
thing to share that you know to share
that with the world because I think I
love that there’s and there’s this quote
I can’t remember it word for word but
this guy’s has something like share your
share your talent and share your dreams
of the world because what the world
needs is more people who come alive
something something along those lines
but yeah because you know by you just
expressing yourself
you kind of ignite you can you know
ignite a fire in somebody else to
express them so in some way you know
like and now with dressing here I would
just make us all like so much happier as
people you know what I mean like just do
everything do everything for love and
you’ll you’ll feel so fulfilled so a lot
of you have written to me about your
fear of flying and I can really relate
to that fear because I used to have the
exact same fear but I used this same
strategy to conquer it here’s how you’re
going to do it so first things first if
you’ve got to do something that really
makes you nervous or that you’re afraid
to do before you’re about to do it come
up with an anchor thought what’s an
anchor thought well an anchor thought is
something that’s going to anchor you so
that you don’t escalate any situation
into a full-blown panic attack or into a
situation where you screw things up it’s
a way for you to anchor yourself so you
maintain control over what you’re
thinking and how you behave so here’s an
example with flying it’s important when
you’re creating an anchor thought to
pick
thing that is in the proper context of
what you’re afraid to do so for flying
pick an anchor thought that has to do
with the trip that you’re taking so if
I’m boarding a plane to fly back home to
Michigan an anchor thought might be a
picture in my mind of my mom and I
walking on the shores of Lake Michigan
where I grew up that’s a thought that
makes me happy it makes me excited and
it’s also related to the trip that I’m
taking if you have a conversation that
you need to have with your boss pick an
anchor thought about how you feel after
having that conversation maybe it’s you
picking up the phone and calling
somebody that you you love and saying oh
my gosh it went so well or you know you
walking out of the meeting and feeling
like yeah I survived that conversation I
feel pretty good about myself so now
that you have your anchor thought you’re
ready to beat the fear try and be
decisive I try and even if I don’t know
what the hell I’m doing I try to be
decisive because I think it’s very
comforting and reassuring and important
to the people that work with you to feel
that whoever is in charge knows what
they’re doing and knows what they’re
thinking and that if it’s a yes it’s a
yes and it’s a no it’s a no I mean I
don’t think of myself as a boss I mean I
I think of myself as someone who’s
giving direction and guidance and vice
versa
shame is far more likely to cause
destructive behaviors than it is to cure
it what we know is that shame is highly
correlated with addiction violence
aggression bullying it’s not helpful to
be ashamed for this reason and I think
this is really a core thing that we need
to get our heads and hearts around as a
culture shame corrodes the part of us
that believes we can change so to change
someone into changing is like saying to
them you are horrible and worthless and
you’re not capable of change get better
I have interviewed over 600 million
women now across the country about shame
and across the interviews men and women
with high levels of resilience to shame
share four things in common the first is
they
physically recognize when they’re in
shame and they know what triggered it so
let’s say something happens at work I
make a mistake or something happens and
that warm wash comes over me you know
that feeling yeah if I can physically
say oh my god this is shame I’m in shame
it’s very helpful because we are not fit
for human consumption when we’re in
shame we need to pull away and get re
grounded take some deep breaths and
figure out how to respond one of the
things that makes shame worse is
normally when we’re in it we act out for
example the mother that I interviewed
she fills her car up she goes into the
gas station she goes to pay her credit
cards declined the man shane’s her in
front of the other patrons makes her
leave her I think her wedding band and
her wallet and lead with just an ATM
card so she’s filled with shame she gets
in the car she slams the door when she
slams the door it wakes up her
three-year-old toddler who’s in the
backseat who started screaming what
happens next
she starts screaming back shut up shut
up so now she’s in the shame of having
this credit card declined being
belittled in front of people and now
having to deal with the you know the
struggle of on the horrible mom and why
am I taking this out of my child so men
and women with high levels of resilience
recognize physically when they’re in
shame and what triggered it
okay then they practice critical
awareness how realistic are the
expectations and messages that we put on
ourselves through that others put on us
that tell us who we’re supposed to be
the third thing is men and women with
high levels of resilience reach out
we’ve got to share our story so they
talk about it they talk about it you
know we breathe through it we recognize
we’re in it and then we call and say hey
Patricia it’s me you’re not gonna
believe what happened can you listen
it’s it’s hard and then we speak shame
you know it’s I try to explain to people
the importance of using the word shame
and this is not just laypeople this is
mental health professionals you know
we’ve got to use the word it’s different
if I were to call you into Oh Patricia
it’s Bernie I’m so embarrassed that
would be one thing right but if I were
to call you and say Patricia it’s
Brennan I’m really struggling with some
shame
that’s different it’s a different
conversation right shame cannot hold on
when we name it right so it’s not just
you know an academic pet peeve I want
everybody to get the semantics correct
men and women with high levels of shame
resilience use the word and talk about
the emotion it took a couple months to
like real I mean I was 17 at the time I
just finished high school two months
earlier and I’m now living in Melbourne
I mean I was playing catch up really
quickly anyway I was living on my own in
a new city where I had never met anyone
two hour flight away from anyone I knew
and I had no money and I was like just
trying to find couches to sleep on at
that point
plus before you’re 18 you can’t like
sign up and get electricity bills and
stuff like that so no one would rent a
place to me I didn’t have any money or
the whole thing was like I was just
trying to like keep my head above water
at that point and then once it settled
in and I kind of got settled there and
you know it’s working constantly then
that’s when I felt like oh yeah I’ve
seen I’ve seen people make the jump from
here to America so my choices are either
stay out you know be good enough to stay
on this show for decades the way some
cast members have which you know you’d
have a lovely life in Melbourne or you
screw it up and you get fired which I
didn’t obviously didn’t want to take
that option or try and make the
transition to the American industry you
know try and move to LA and do pilot
season as I had seen a few cast members
do at that point so that is my goal any
fear when you made the made the flight
yes but it wasn’t as scary yes
definitely but it wasn’t as scary as
that first moved to Melbourne that first
move to Melbourne was terrifying
because I was just you know I like I
said I didn’t have money at the time I
didn’t like heaven I didn’t know when
you know at least when I moved to LA
like when I did that flight to LA I knew
two people there already who had already
been our neighbors and I had my money
saved so if anything went really wrong I
knew I could afford to get in a cab
drive to the airport and buy a ticket
home and so like I that’s all I needed
to know I was like cool I’m sweet
whatever happens like
if anything goes really wrong I can
always for it to fly hard and they’ll be
fine
and it ever once you’ve got here did it
ever seem like anything was going really
longer
yeah there’s obviously like the ups and
downs and like the crazy as anyone who’s
moved to a new city before I’m sure
they’ve had crazy experiences so I had
all that for sure but that no it was
fine I was uh it would have had to take
a lot to make me fly home I was like I
will not be a failure I came here I’m
not going home until I’ve made it in
this business so the best piece of
advice that I was given when I started
my modeling career was make sure that
you under there was a lot of things that
weren’t given to me because you know
everybody likes to give you advice one
thing that stayed with me is you’re as
good as your last job and so every job I
treated as if it were my last job and I
think that that kind of gave me a
reputation of hard-working ready to do
whatever it takes to get this shot and
and I and I think that that’s very
important in any industry what is your
best piece of advice for the next
generations influencers I think it’s
really to be true to yourself and listen
as much as one is able to other people
whose opinions you respect and look up
to but in the end it has to come from
from you and you you can’t really worry
too much by looking to the left or the
right about what the competition might
be doing or other people in your field
might be doing it has to be a true
vision I mean doing the same thing I
mean just being known for like one thing
your whole life that’s a that’s sad you
know I there’s we all have so many
interests I’m sure and so you know to
get to make jobs of them all or jobs if
you could call it that
but to make businesses out of them all
and see them on a daily basis in your
light and how you visualize them is
really cool and fun and we can all do it
we all can do it so many people are so
afraid to try something because they’re
like oh like I can’t leave my job
because I’m you know I have to pay bills
or you know it’s like we’ll start small
but don’t say you can’t because as many
times you say you can’t you’re not going
to if you don’t think you can you won’t
thoughts become things I do think that
with and it’s not just in sport but with
with other things I do believe that the
more you repeat certain things whether
it is writing working on your you know
whether it’s cursive letters or whatever
it is like when you work on something
and you keep doing it over and over it’s
inevitable that it will get better and
by that you’re creating this feeling of
repetition which leads to discipline
like you know you can do it over and
over again and that’s one of my first
one of my first coaches Robert Lansdorp
who I speak about in the book like that
was his philosophy is you I would take a
lesson from him and his philosophy was
just hitting and grinding and it wasn’t
about patterns or anything which you
know as I could get from somebody else
but what he gave me is that feeling that
I could hit the ball from any part of
the court and feel like I could do it
with closed eyes and make it and know
exactly where it’s going and I’m for me
it started at a young age like my mom
would would make me memorize this
Russian literature that I did not
appreciate at five years old it was very
difficult and I didn’t know what it
meant but I would do it and I would
memorize it and then I would feel that I
accomplished something I don’t know why
I don’t know but the repetition led me
to this discipline and and I think that
helps with mindset I’m kind of like a
crazy person I prep I do I do time lines
and back stories and I work with a
dialect coach and a movement coach and
an acting coach and I just yeah I need
to do a lot before I show up to certain
so I can throw it all out the window
when I get on set but if I hadn’t done
all the work beforehand I would just be
too scared to did you watch a lot of
footage of Tonya Harding and I’ve
watched every single piece of footage
there’s on her a thousand times over and
I would had a voice in my ipod I’d go to
sleep listening to her I mean it was
like lived in Tanya Lane for for a long
time you know I’m a certain point you
wake up you’re like I’ve done a lot of
stuff in my life but
what do I want to do like what what
movies do I want to make what television
shows hmm I want to put into the world
because it’s a lot of work it’s I feel
like I’ve done all that other work I did
a lot of stuff for a lot of other people
yep
I want to put something in it that is
more representative of Who I am as a
person don’t expect anything like expect
you expect the worst and you know if you
still obviously still want to do this
then go ahead and do it and you know I
really did expect the worst I was like
you know what if nobody cares if you
know my first album flops follow my
songs flop I don’t care I’m still gonna
do this because I I want to do this for
me and so I was perfectly ready for none
of it to happen and I you know so it’s
the fact that you know people connected
to Havana and that people are connecting
to never be the same and people are just
connecting to my music is super it’s
like the best feeling ever I think that
what I took from the film to me that was
interesting because again it’s my life
and it’s been 35 years of just living
it’s it’s kind of really sucked at times
and how hard it’s been I know it’s been
hard of course but to be good at
anything is hard I mean I’m sure
everybody in this room and anybody
watching is thinks like my life’s been
hard too it’s true and if somebody were
to put a documentary together about your
life it would probably be similar and
that life is hard it’s what you do with
it if it were easy to get what you
wanted in life Google would have already
figured out an app you would just type
in okay I’m a student and I want to go
from being a student to being successful
and Google would tell you go to college
then you get your masters then you land
this killer job and then you put in a
bunch of FaceTime while you’re checking
Facebook then you get promoted to
manager and then you realize managing
people kind of stinks and then you keep
climbing the corporate ladder and then
you start to wonder well how did I end
up here
I think you always this is what success
looks like you’re like no I’m gonna go
to Jay Hilbert that’s what success looks
so keep this in mind if there’s
something that you want like seven
people or a trip to Africa or you’re
going to make it to Mexico in the pink
shirt I’m looking at you again sorry
I’m watching you and rooting for you
keep in mind this here you are this is
what you want I spend a lot of time on
lacrosse fields although they don’t
really look like this you tend to think
that what you want you just march right
towards it but if in sports you march
right towards the goal what happens the
defenders come in and what the defenders
are is it’s your brain saying ain’t
gonna happen
so the second you start moving toward
that thing you want be ready
you’re gonna tell yourself you don’t
feel like it you’re gonna have to force
yourself it’s happening there’s no way
to get around it so what you’re gonna
have to do is you’re gonna basically get
bounced around a lot all over the place
and they’re gonna be a lot of times that
you feel like this was a really dumb
idea to start this business because it’s
gonna get hard and I want to remind you
about something unlike a sports field
where there’s an in and out of bounds
the great thing about life is there
actually aren’t any and it’s usually in
those moments where you feel like you
can’t do it that you’re closer than ever
to having everything that you wanted and
I wanted to show you this so that you
keep it in mind because I think a lot of
times when you look back it’s the
darkest moments where you realize holy
cow that’s what projected me forward and
I also know career-wise how important it
is not to be too highly specialized
especially these days in the world of
media it is crucial to have multiple
interests and skillsets to have tried
and possibly failed and many different
undertakings the young people that we
hired today at Conde Nast are fearless
polymaths hardworking and passionate
creative and curious if your politics
the media
the tech industry working as an
entrepreneur or a teacher or a
construction worker or a caregiver you
know the problems we are all facing and
I urge each one of you to ask yourselves
what do we do now that’s a big question
what is it in your life that you think
you cannot accomplish or what is it that
people have said that you cannot do
wouldn’t it feel really good to prove
them all wrong I mean I think the
difference between someone who
ultimately is successful and someone who
isn’t is just well getting up and trying
again and I feel like I’ve seen that in
my life again to other people is that
things get hard and people try again and
things get hard and people might try
again might not and then things get hard
and they just don’t try again and giving
up is is can’t be an option and I think
that that goes back to the core of
making sure that whatever it is you’re
doing is something that you love to do
something that you enjoy something that
maybe if you didn’t even get paid would
you still do it and I think that’s what
pulls you through those times ultimately
but and that’s what keeps you coming
back for more and that’s what that
passion and that love for what it is
that you do is what keeps you going so
would you say your resilience and that
persistence is because you love what you
do so much or is there something about
your parents or anything in your
upbringing you think it’s I mean I think
that genetically I have a deterrent I’m
determined because my dad was very much
like that for sure very persistent and
determined but I think it’s also because
I found something that I love to do and
there’s plenty of other stuff that I’ve
done that I didn’t keep doing I mean I
didn’t keep playing basketball let’s
face it
but I kept racing
so it was about finding that I feel and
finding it really young I’m very
fortunate that I found it really young
and I I tell everyone young or old it’s
just if you could have if you could do
anything in the world what would you do
well why can’t you do that then at least
start at least just try to make an
effort at doing it you’re not gonna get
there within one shot but but you just
got to take baby steps and opportunities
along the way and I feel like especially
like people get out of college and they
have this idea of what they want to do
and they’re holding out until they get
it just get going you know just get
working and get the experience and and
and and start working your way there I
think all of us at Vogue are always
looking for talent and we’re also
looking for someone who has a head on
their shoulders and understand that
being talented is obviously important
but that you also have have to have a
sense of business and that being
creative and commercial does are two
words that can work together I get to
the court so you know I have my bag and
I’m wearing my my hat in my in my hoodie
this is my office
like that’s my work place and I am like
I’m laser focus and I’ve had that I mean
I I think it’s that mentality that
whatever I just have that tunnel vision
and that’s how I go and when I leave the
courts I’ve got friends family jokes fun
like when I get to my office I closed
the door and that’s me that’s you
you know 12 years of research 11,000
pieces of data I had I did not interview
and all that time a person who would
describe themselves as joyful or
describe their lives as joyous who did
not actively practice gratitude and for
me it was very counterintuitive because
I kind of went into the research
thinking that the relationship between
joy and gratitude was if you’re joyful
then you should be grateful but it
wasn’t that way at all it was really
that practicing gratitude invites Julie
entire lives and when I say practice I
think this is this is the part that
really changed my life it changed my
family and the way we live every day
when I say practice gratitude I don’t
mean kind
like the attitude of gratitude or
feeling grateful
I mean practicing gratitude these folks
shared in common a tangible gratitude
practice they either kept gratitude
journals some of them did interesting
things like at 1 2 3 4 like at 12:30 for
every day they said something out loud
that they were grateful for they one of
the things that we do like we say grace
at dinner and so now after grace we go
around and everyone in my family says
something they’re grateful for I mean
including what’s interesting is when we
first started I have a first grader at
first grade sight in Charlie and 8th
grade daughter Ellen and at first I
thought and we’ve been doing for a
couple years now like they’re like oh
god mom and if there was a little like
this is you know are you experimenting
on us it’s a little bit of that but now
what’s interesting even after we did it
for like a couple of weeks that on those
crazy busy nights where we’re trying to
like get to soccer and piano and
homework and Steve and I are just like
we can we say a quick prayer we start
eating my kids are like whoa what are
you grateful for and it’s been
absolutely does it invite more joy into
our house it also is such a soulful
window into what’s going on in my kids
lives you know so there’s some days
where my eighth grader I’ll be like I’m
joyful that there’s a huge thick wall
between my room and my brother’s room
you know something he’s very you know
honest but their other day she’ll say
you know she had a friend whose mother
recently died and she said you know for
a month she would say I’m just so
grateful that y’all are healthy right
now you know and so not only did it make
us all more aware of what we had and
more willing to slow down and really be
thankful for the joyful moments we had
but it let me know where she was
emotionally in her life you know my side
is always you know I’m grateful for bugs
I’m grateful for frogs but sometimes
he’ll say you know I’m grateful that you
picked me up early or you know I’m
grateful that I finally understand
adjectives you know so it’s there’s a
great quote that says it’s not granted
it’s not joy that makes us grateful it’s
gratitude that makes us joyful and
it’s by a Jesuit brother a Jesuit priest
and I guess I was just amazed to find
that bubble up so strongly in the
research it’s life-changing
well I’m very driven by what I do I am
certainly very competitive what else am
i needy I’m probably very needy yes a
bitch issues perfectionist birdstrike
bitch first well I I hope I’m not
I try not to be but I like people who
represent the best of what they do and
if that turns you into perfectionist then maybe I am
shy and I don’t want to be you know I
want to be like away from people but I
think certain challenges always make me
have to step it up and so I push I push
myself a lot you know life begins
outside of your comfort zone and you
know sometimes it’s good to push
yourself and do the unexpected and you
never know what you might find you will
never know the answer unless if you ask
and that’s what my father always taught
me is like you’re never gonna know if
you don’t ask so ask and that’s what I
do and that’s kind of how I also am
community I communicate with my team we
know we’re a team but also we know that
we can talk very directly to each other
because that’s how we set it up from the
beginning and whoever the boss is you
set the tone you know this is your arena
so how are you set the tone is the way
things are gonna go so I always set the
tone with kindness first and then let’s
get ish done baby you know I think it’s
always part of life to have some knocks
as well as some successes and take risks
and you know to learn so I think it’s
healthy for everyone to to lose a job as
well as to gain a job you can’t really
form other people’s opinions of you and
you know I became successful at a very
young age and I like from the first day
after winning Wimbledon you know you
would think like a teenager wins
Wimbledon but not everyone was positive
about it everyone wanted to know the
story and you know blaming my parents
for having their child to go through
this crazy journey and working hard and
not having a normal childhood like
everyone is always going to find
something in your success or in your
story or upbringing that will try to
knock you down like literally whether
it’s their purpose whether it’s a news
outlet whatever it might be you never
know the intention but yeah I I don’t
want to form people’s opinion I just
want to be and live true to who I am
every day
then that’s the only thing that I can do
you can’t really control what other
people think of you or how how they end
up remembering you you took money off
the table if you didn’t give what
anybody else thought what’s the thing
you would love to be doing with your
life seriously do you dream of being a
professional photographer do you want to
open your own restaurant you always
thought about traveling the world and
entertaining kids with your juggling
skills I don’t know it’s your life you
get to choose what you want to do be
honest with yourself what is it that you
would want to do with your life if you
didn’t have to pay the bills doing it
another thing you can ask yourself who
do you find yourself sort of envious of
you know like you look at their life and
you just think gosh how awesome that
they get to do that well once you have
that answer for yourself you’ve gotten
really honest you push the Bulls aside
and you’ve really asked it for yourself
and answered the question honestly all
you got to do is explore it that’s it
just find one thing that you can do to
enrich and expand your knowledge about
it find one course online Google the
topic stalk people that are pursuing
this line of work that’s how you start
to do it one step of time so start with
answering the question what do you
really want with a massive dose of
honesty Google the topic and find one
thing that you can do just one push
yourself and start to explore if you
were to wake up and do that every single
day spend 10 minutes a day you would be
startled astonished by what your life
looks like in a matter of a year or two
because I believe ambition is not a
dirty word it’s just believing in
yourself and your abilities imagine this
what would happen if we were all brave
enough to believe in our own ability to
be a little bit more ambitious I think
the world would change I say to the my
girls all of the time that your real
work is to figure out where your power
base is
personality your gifts that you have to
give with the real reason why you’re
here that’s that’s the number one thing
you have to do is to work on yourself
and to fill your self up and keep your
cup full keep yourself full now I used
to be afraid of that I used to be afraid
particularly from people who say oh she
said she’s so full of herself she’s so
close or so and now I embrace it I
considered a compliment
that I am full of myself because you
only when you’re full I’m full I’m
overflowing my cup runneth over
I have so much I have so much to offer
and so much to give and I am not afraid
of honoring myself you know it’s
miraculous when you think about it
I never the first ballet recitals that I
danced in pointe shoes and I was so
nervous because it was the first time
that I was gonna get on stage everyone
that I loved and care about was going to
be in that audience and I didn’t want to
let him down I didn’t want to let myself
down how I sort of learned to cope with
that it’s just really to take that
anxiety that that sort of adrenaline and
actually pour it into something
productive meaning like what can you do
to best prepare for that moment so when
it came to the point where it was
Showtime it was time to get out on that
stage I knew that I did everything I
possibly could to get out there and feel
amazing and just perform and I think
something clicked in me however it
doesn’t always go right there was a time
I remember I walked in a Fendi runway
show and I you know made a little slip
and kind of slipped off the runway and
but all you can do is do your best even
when you make mistakes sometimes those
can be the most important experience is
to learn from it’s so hard I thought
doing this research I thought going into
it they’re authentic people and
authentic people mhm I had I did not
find any evidence of that at all what I
found is authenticity to practice and
you choose it every day sometimes every
hour of every day and it’s a practice
it’s not I just wake up in ham authentic
it’s that when you walk into a meeting
you have to make the choice am I gonna
show up and let myself be seen am I
gonna if I’m gonna raise my hands like
wow y’all look super excited I don’t
know what in the hell you’re talking
about you know that’s a choice yes
uh-huh
right well and what tend to be make that
authentic choice you know let go of the
faker faker ooh I said yeah I call it’s
a faker roof but you know what I have
found I mean I consider myself to be an
authentic person but when I am
inauthentic is when I’ve allowed myself
to be around people who were not and
then I have to fake it to be with them
oh it’s contagious yes so they’re faking
it yeah then and you know you’re in that
situation when you do that haha that
kind of haha you’re laughing at jokes
that aren’t funny you’re pretending to
be comfortable when you’re not and lose
your own authenticity yeah I do it I
feel like when you undertake any big
task you kind of have this crisis of
faith in yourself and you’re like I
can’t do it it’s if I couldn’t like I
just can’t so I had that and and for you
know for a brief moment I was like I
guess I’m not gonna do the role I I
can’t do nudity and I can’t I would
never be good enough for this anyway and
and then you know the thought occurred
to me oh I guess who’s gonna play it
then and then that just infuriated me
the thought of someone else playing my
role I was like well they couldn’t
possibly do the role no I have to do it
because no one else could possibly do
the role so so yes no I had my moment of
my crisis of faith I haven’t actually
been given a piece of advice that I can
recall right now but I guess when anyone
asks me like what should I do I’m just
like just do anything anything will lead
to something else and and you just gotta
get out there and take a chance even if
it’s unpaid work whatever it is it will
lead to something better so do
everything yep do it all don’t
that feedback on your product your idea
or your business just for validation
purposes be really careful about that
you want to tell the people that can
help move your idea forward but if
you’re just looking to your friend
coworker husband wife for validation be
careful because out of love and concern
a lot of people will express some
concerns and it can stop a lot of
multi-million dollar ideas right in
their tracks in the beginning so today
you should think okay my co-founders do
we do we cover a lot of surface area do
we have different skill sets and is it
somebody that that I trust fundamentally
and that’s those are really really
really important questions to ask
yourself because if so they give a
really strong foundation to go forward
if you’re gonna start your own thing you
know maybe you have a grand grand vision
of like all the different features
that’s gonna have and all the different
you know revenue lines you’re gonna do
and you know keep keep that vision but
do one piece of that first and do it
really really really well it’s so much
better to do a few things well than many
things poorly and I find even with
myself that it’s really hard to do a
Minimum Viable Product this minimum that
you’re constantly thinking no no it
really has to have this other partner
really has to have this and then you
over build and then you have to unbilled
and D build which is very disappointing
so doing a Minimum Viable Product is
really important and it’s even more
minimum than you think it is so it’s
about this movement forward now what you
own not your education or your pedigree
not pile of resources you might have at
hand not your network just going after
this thing and knowing that as you do
that you’ll find what you need you’ll
make your way over around and through
and I think the best entrepreneurs that
I’ve met are able to do that because
they have this strong vision and they
know that it’s worth it to keep moving
forward I think you know if you know why
you’re doing something and what it is
that you’re trying to get then it’s a
question of being very very open to
failure and I’m and just you know trying
again and again and again until you get
it both continue
to change and continue to get bigger and
I think as I as I sort of reached
certain milestones certain
accomplishments you know it only makes
me realize that I need to dream bigger
and I think that same thing for you guys
I think as you really build that
confidence through your career as you
really start start you know building
your career and building your
relationships and seeing your dreams
actually realized you just have to
continue to keep dreaming bigger and
that’s why it’s so important to always
continue learning in my opinion because
there’s always there’s you’ve never made
it I think we all can always continue to
do let’s do more to be better and bigger
we definitely see this this room
everyone seems to have this aspect of
rushing like rushing to get to the next
step and rushing to make a certain
amount of money and when I when I think
of goals I don’t necessarily think of
specifics I just think of more feelings
of how I would feel when I get to that
what is my success and how does that
feel like instead of saying okay I want
to I want to win this amount of titles
and I want to win this amount of Grand
Slams or I want to earn this amount of
money I think that always I think more
of the feeling how am I gonna feel when
I win match point I visualize it I
embrace that feeling and I carry it with
me like you visualize it all the time or
in the moment I think moments and and I
think it always comes when you least
expect it sometimes you can be on a on a
run sometimes those long plane rides
where you know it’s sunset and and it’s
just you and you’ve been traveling and
you’re going home and you have no one
around you just yourself on the flight
it’s just a bunch undreds of strangers
next to you and you have this moment
where you start thinking of why you’re
doing this why are you lonely why are
you in this position and you think of
what you’ve already done to get there
and where you would like to see yourself
go so it those moments always come at a
different I don’t I don’t sit down and I
think okay right now I’m going to
visualize the feeling that I might have
when I just went to tournament or yeah
but I definitely I
important to when you say things or you
know and when a friend of mine says
something negative and I was like don’t
put that in the universe I put that out
there yeah I do believe in that there’s
some sense of truth in that because it’s
also comes with and you carry with that
attitude you know when someone says
something negative you usually see their
attitude change and shows up in your
body and you’re yeah yeah and I mean I
for sure do that as well and I have my
moments and but the faster you
acknowledge it and realize it the faster
you can move on so let’s talk about
Starbucks Starbucks in 2008 very
interesting thing happened and many of
you if you are in the financial services
market then probably know this that
their net income decreased by about 28%
that year and at the time they had
16,000 stores in 44 countries and they
had gone through this massive explosive
growth segment in terms of going from
going public in I think it was like 1992
they only had 125 stores and now here we
are 2008 they’ve got 16,000 so what ends
up happening is Howard Schultz who is
the chairman of the board comes back in
as the CEO very complex situation right
you’ve got operations in 44 countries
you’ve got massive reduction in terms of
the profits that you have you’ve got the
stock market and Wall Street screaming
at you you’ve got customers that are
going to Dunkin Donuts because there’s a
recession that’s hitting so what do you
do well he was very clear again back to
the two rules what do I stand for like
what is it what is what am i doing and
what do I want the outcome to be so he
was very clear that what he stood for as
a leader and what Starbucks should stand
for is the Starbucks experience he
wanted to go back to the beginning and
reintroduce people to the romance of
having a cup of coffee because you know
that’s how Starbucks launched in the
beginning that he was traveling and was
over in Italy and was like God why don’t
we in places like these great stops to
have a little cup of coffee over in the
United States
boom Starbucks an idea it’s born it’s
launched so he decides he’s going to do
whatever he can to get the romance of
how
a cup of coffee back in life in any
situation whether you’re talking about
growing your company growing your bank
account getting in a relationship
getting out of a relationship getting
something done at the school system that
your kids are going to on behalf of your
kids whatever it is that you’re up to in
life this is the only question that you
need to ask yourself well what is it
that I want because the truth of the
matter is if you can answer that you can
have it from the time I was seven years
old
every Saturday I would go for four hours
of acting class every Saturday whoa
and I loved it I just left it till the
point with all the kids graduated and
went on to the other stuff and I started
doing adult acting classes and then I
was in the commercial classes and then I
loved like a hair and makeup classes and
just everything I just couldn’t get
enough I don’t make notes
I don’t I I react very instinctively to
everything I’m a great believer in
traveling a great deal
I don’t believe meetings more than two
people in a meeting as too many I really
it’s true do you know about stand-ups
okay so in Silicon Valley now when you
have a meeting everybody stands in a
circle like they’re meditating that’s
that’s how maybe I should try that I
think the more you go out the more you
see the more you experience life the
more you bring back to your day job so
as I was trying to say in my remarks I
think the problem that big corporations
is you get a lot of people my age trying
to hold on to their jobs and you know
clinging on to their pensions and their
retirement and they’re not experiencing
new things and they don’t like change
and they don’t like disruption so
they’re either they don’t make a
decision or they say no and as a result
they stagnate so it’s terribly important
to bring people in from the outside and
not to remain too insular and also to
harass many young bright people like all
of you as you can just to teach you how
to think about things completely
differently I don’t know there’s a lot
of negativity to some degree a lot of
grind it just kind of feels like the
grind a little bit and so I just kind of
felt like it wasn’t a space that I
wanted to be in as much anymore like I I
want to be in a happy space where I’m
just doing things that have bring me joy
and yeah it just it wasn’t doing that as
much or I was noticing it I was noticing
I was missing that or wanting it more I
think that’s really what it comes from
is growing as a person and realizing I
think everybody’s afraid to take chances
and do something new in their life
because they’re identified a certain way
or they’ll be judged if they don’t do it
or judged if they do something different
and who are they now and are they crazy
and what are they thinking and you know
it’s just life just do things that make
you happy I wake up some days and I feel
like I’m going to take over the world
and conquer everything in life and then
the next day I feel like the most
insecure person in the world and I
really think those low days are the days
that you have to give yourself
affirmations that you have to talk
yourself out of that funk that you have
to make sure that you’re surrounding
yourself with people who aren’t gonna
take you down I mean like I had a
boyfriend who you know was a negative
person in my life and did I realize it
early enough no it took me two years to
understand that and it was a perpetual
negativity and I think that if you have
the tools
to make that bad day a good day you fake
it till you make it you use those
affirmations you too can have a good day
but it’s really just about making a
conscious effort yeah absolutely fake it
till you make it I’m that’s how I got
here yeah I just feel like advice that I
would that I would give it’s just like
let yourself be so consumed in in your
art or whatever your passion is it’s
literally the greatest feeling in the
world
it’s like love like it’s you know to
just let yourself be just like swallowed
whole by what makes you feel alive and
what connects you to you know the
universe and that inner voice it there’s
nothing more more beautiful than that
and it’s such a it’s such a selfless
thing to share that you know to share
that with the world because I think I
love that there’s and there’s this quote
I can’t remember it word for word but
this guy’s has something like share your
share your talent and share your dreams
of the world because what the world
needs is more people who come alive
something something along those lines
but yeah because you know by you just
expressing yourself
you kind of ignite you can you know
ignite a fire in somebody else to
express them so in some way you know
like and now with dressing here I would
just make us all like so much happier as
people you know what I mean like just do
everything do everything for love and
you’ll you’ll feel so fulfilled so a lot
of you have written to me about your
fear of flying and I can really relate
to that fear because I used to have the
exact same fear but I used this same
strategy to conquer it here’s how you’re
going to do it so first things first if
you’ve got to do something that really
makes you nervous or that you’re afraid
to do before you’re about to do it come
up with an anchor thought what’s an
anchor thought well an anchor thought is
something that’s going to anchor you so
that you don’t escalate any situation
into a full-blown panic attack or into a
situation where you screw things up it’s
a way for you to anchor yourself so you
maintain control over what you’re
thinking and how you behave so here’s an
example with flying it’s important when
you’re creating an anchor thought to
pick
thing that is in the proper context of
what you’re afraid to do so for flying
pick an anchor thought that has to do
with the trip that you’re taking so if
I’m boarding a plane to fly back home to
Michigan an anchor thought might be a
picture in my mind of my mom and I
walking on the shores of Lake Michigan
where I grew up that’s a thought that
makes me happy it makes me excited and
it’s also related to the trip that I’m
taking if you have a conversation that
you need to have with your boss pick an
anchor thought about how you feel after
having that conversation maybe it’s you
picking up the phone and calling
somebody that you you love and saying oh
my gosh it went so well or you know you
walking out of the meeting and feeling
like yeah I survived that conversation I
feel pretty good about myself so now
that you have your anchor thought you’re
ready to beat the fear try and be
decisive I try and even if I don’t know
what the hell I’m doing I try to be
decisive because I think it’s very
comforting and reassuring and important
to the people that work with you to feel
that whoever is in charge knows what
they’re doing and knows what they’re
thinking and that if it’s a yes it’s a
yes and it’s a no it’s a no I mean I
don’t think of myself as a boss I mean I
I think of myself as someone who’s
giving direction and guidance and vice
versa
shame is far more likely to cause
destructive behaviors than it is to cure
it what we know is that shame is highly
correlated with addiction violence
aggression bullying it’s not helpful to
be ashamed for this reason and I think
this is really a core thing that we need
to get our heads and hearts around as a
culture shame corrodes the part of us
that believes we can change so to change
someone into changing is like saying to
them you are horrible and worthless and
you’re not capable of change get better
I have interviewed over 600 million
women now across the country about shame
and across the interviews men and women
with high levels of resilience to shame
share four things in common the first is
they
physically recognize when they’re in
shame and they know what triggered it so
let’s say something happens at work I
make a mistake or something happens and
that warm wash comes over me you know
that feeling yeah if I can physically
say oh my god this is shame I’m in shame
it’s very helpful because we are not fit
for human consumption when we’re in
shame we need to pull away and get re
grounded take some deep breaths and
figure out how to respond one of the
things that makes shame worse is
normally when we’re in it we act out for
example the mother that I interviewed
she fills her car up she goes into the
gas station she goes to pay her credit
cards declined the man shane’s her in
front of the other patrons makes her
leave her I think her wedding band and
her wallet and lead with just an ATM
card so she’s filled with shame she gets
in the car she slams the door when she
slams the door it wakes up her
three-year-old toddler who’s in the
backseat who started screaming what
happens next
she starts screaming back shut up shut
up so now she’s in the shame of having
this credit card declined being
belittled in front of people and now
having to deal with the you know the
struggle of on the horrible mom and why
am I taking this out of my child so men
and women with high levels of resilience
recognize physically when they’re in
shame and what triggered it
okay then they practice critical
awareness how realistic are the
expectations and messages that we put on
ourselves through that others put on us
that tell us who we’re supposed to be
the third thing is men and women with
high levels of resilience reach out
we’ve got to share our story so they
talk about it they talk about it you
know we breathe through it we recognize
we’re in it and then we call and say hey
Patricia it’s me you’re not gonna
believe what happened can you listen
it’s it’s hard and then we speak shame
you know it’s I try to explain to people
the importance of using the word shame
and this is not just laypeople this is
mental health professionals you know
we’ve got to use the word it’s different
if I were to call you into Oh Patricia
it’s Bernie I’m so embarrassed that
would be one thing right but if I were
to call you and say Patricia it’s
Brennan I’m really struggling with some
shame
that’s different it’s a different
conversation right shame cannot hold on
when we name it right so it’s not just
you know an academic pet peeve I want
everybody to get the semantics correct
men and women with high levels of shame
resilience use the word and talk about
the emotion it took a couple months to
like real I mean I was 17 at the time I
just finished high school two months
earlier and I’m now living in Melbourne
I mean I was playing catch up really
quickly anyway I was living on my own in
a new city where I had never met anyone
two hour flight away from anyone I knew
and I had no money and I was like just
trying to find couches to sleep on at
that point
plus before you’re 18 you can’t like
sign up and get electricity bills and
stuff like that so no one would rent a
place to me I didn’t have any money or
the whole thing was like I was just
trying to like keep my head above water
at that point and then once it settled
in and I kind of got settled there and
you know it’s working constantly then
that’s when I felt like oh yeah I’ve
seen I’ve seen people make the jump from
here to America so my choices are either
stay out you know be good enough to stay
on this show for decades the way some
cast members have which you know you’d
have a lovely life in Melbourne or you
screw it up and you get fired which I
didn’t obviously didn’t want to take
that option or try and make the
transition to the American industry you
know try and move to LA and do pilot
season as I had seen a few cast members
do at that point so that is my goal any
fear when you made the made the flight
yes but it wasn’t as scary yes
definitely but it wasn’t as scary as
that first moved to Melbourne that first
move to Melbourne was terrifying
because I was just you know I like I
said I didn’t have money at the time I
didn’t like heaven I didn’t know when
you know at least when I moved to LA
like when I did that flight to LA I knew
two people there already who had already
been our neighbors and I had my money
saved so if anything went really wrong I
knew I could afford to get in a cab
drive to the airport and buy a ticket
home and so like I that’s all I needed
to know I was like cool I’m sweet
whatever happens like
if anything goes really wrong I can
always for it to fly hard and they’ll be
fine
and it ever once you’ve got here did it
ever seem like anything was going really
longer
yeah there’s obviously like the ups and
downs and like the crazy as anyone who’s
moved to a new city before I’m sure
they’ve had crazy experiences so I had
all that for sure but that no it was
fine I was uh it would have had to take
a lot to make me fly home I was like I
will not be a failure I came here I’m
not going home until I’ve made it in
this business so the best piece of
advice that I was given when I started
my modeling career was make sure that
you under there was a lot of things that
weren’t given to me because you know
everybody likes to give you advice one
thing that stayed with me is you’re as
good as your last job and so every job I
treated as if it were my last job and I
think that that kind of gave me a
reputation of hard-working ready to do
whatever it takes to get this shot and
and I and I think that that’s very
important in any industry what is your
best piece of advice for the next
generations influencers I think it’s
really to be true to yourself and listen
as much as one is able to other people
whose opinions you respect and look up
to but in the end it has to come from
from you and you you can’t really worry
too much by looking to the left or the
right about what the competition might
be doing or other people in your field
might be doing it has to be a true
vision I mean doing the same thing I
mean just being known for like one thing
your whole life that’s a that’s sad you
know I there’s we all have so many
interests I’m sure and so you know to
get to make jobs of them all or jobs if
you could call it that
but to make businesses out of them all
and see them on a daily basis in your
light and how you visualize them is
really cool and fun and we can all do it
we all can do it so many people are so
afraid to try something because they’re
like oh like I can’t leave my job
because I’m you know I have to pay bills
or you know it’s like we’ll start small
but don’t say you can’t because as many
times you say you can’t you’re not going
to if you don’t think you can you won’t
thoughts become things I do think that
with and it’s not just in sport but with
with other things I do believe that the
more you repeat certain things whether
it is writing working on your you know
whether it’s cursive letters or whatever
it is like when you work on something
and you keep doing it over and over it’s
inevitable that it will get better and
by that you’re creating this feeling of
repetition which leads to discipline
like you know you can do it over and
over again and that’s one of my first
one of my first coaches Robert Lansdorp
who I speak about in the book like that
was his philosophy is you I would take a
lesson from him and his philosophy was
just hitting and grinding and it wasn’t
about patterns or anything which you
know as I could get from somebody else
but what he gave me is that feeling that
I could hit the ball from any part of
the court and feel like I could do it
with closed eyes and make it and know
exactly where it’s going and I’m for me
it started at a young age like my mom
would would make me memorize this
Russian literature that I did not
appreciate at five years old it was very
difficult and I didn’t know what it
meant but I would do it and I would
memorize it and then I would feel that I
accomplished something I don’t know why
I don’t know but the repetition led me
to this discipline and and I think that
helps with mindset I’m kind of like a
crazy person I prep I do I do time lines
and back stories and I work with a
dialect coach and a movement coach and
an acting coach and I just yeah I need
to do a lot before I show up to certain
so I can throw it all out the window
when I get on set but if I hadn’t done
all the work beforehand I would just be
too scared to did you watch a lot of
footage of Tonya Harding and I’ve
watched every single piece of footage
there’s on her a thousand times over and
I would had a voice in my ipod I’d go to
sleep listening to her I mean it was
like lived in Tanya Lane for for a long
time you know I’m a certain point you
wake up you’re like I’ve done a lot of
stuff in my life but
what do I want to do like what what
movies do I want to make what television
shows hmm I want to put into the world
because it’s a lot of work it’s I feel
like I’ve done all that other work I did
a lot of stuff for a lot of other people
yep
I want to put something in it that is
more representative of Who I am as a
person don’t expect anything like expect
you expect the worst and you know if you
still obviously still want to do this
then go ahead and do it and you know I
really did expect the worst I was like
you know what if nobody cares if you
know my first album flops follow my
songs flop I don’t care I’m still gonna
do this because I I want to do this for
me and so I was perfectly ready for none
of it to happen and I you know so it’s
the fact that you know people connected
to Havana and that people are connecting
to never be the same and people are just
connecting to my music is super it’s
like the best feeling ever I think that
what I took from the film to me that was
interesting because again it’s my life
and it’s been 35 years of just living
it’s it’s kind of really sucked at times
and how hard it’s been I know it’s been
hard of course but to be good at
anything is hard I mean I’m sure
everybody in this room and anybody
watching is thinks like my life’s been
hard too it’s true and if somebody were
to put a documentary together about your
life it would probably be similar and
that life is hard it’s what you do with
it if it were easy to get what you
wanted in life Google would have already
figured out an app you would just type
in okay I’m a student and I want to go
from being a student to being successful
and Google would tell you go to college
then you get your masters then you land
this killer job and then you put in a
bunch of FaceTime while you’re checking
Facebook then you get promoted to
manager and then you realize managing
people kind of stinks and then you keep
climbing the corporate ladder and then
you start to wonder well how did I end
up here
I think you always this is what success
looks like you’re like no I’m gonna go
to Jay Hilbert that’s what success looks
so keep this in mind if there’s
something that you want like seven
people or a trip to Africa or you’re
going to make it to Mexico in the pink
shirt I’m looking at you again sorry
I’m watching you and rooting for you
keep in mind this here you are this is
what you want I spend a lot of time on
lacrosse fields although they don’t
really look like this you tend to think
that what you want you just march right
towards it but if in sports you march
right towards the goal what happens the
defenders come in and what the defenders
are is it’s your brain saying ain’t
gonna happen
so the second you start moving toward
that thing you want be ready
you’re gonna tell yourself you don’t
feel like it you’re gonna have to force
yourself it’s happening there’s no way
to get around it so what you’re gonna
have to do is you’re gonna basically get
bounced around a lot all over the place
and they’re gonna be a lot of times that
you feel like this was a really dumb
idea to start this business because it’s
gonna get hard and I want to remind you
about something unlike a sports field
where there’s an in and out of bounds
the great thing about life is there
actually aren’t any and it’s usually in
those moments where you feel like you
can’t do it that you’re closer than ever
to having everything that you wanted and
I wanted to show you this so that you
keep it in mind because I think a lot of
times when you look back it’s the
darkest moments where you realize holy
cow that’s what projected me forward and
I also know career-wise how important it
is not to be too highly specialized
especially these days in the world of
media it is crucial to have multiple
interests and skillsets to have tried
and possibly failed and many different
undertakings the young people that we
hired today at Conde Nast are fearless
polymaths hardworking and passionate
creative and curious if your politics
the media
the tech industry working as an
entrepreneur or a teacher or a
construction worker or a caregiver you
know the problems we are all facing and
I urge each one of you to ask yourselves
what do we do now that’s a big question
what is it in your life that you think
you cannot accomplish or what is it that
people have said that you cannot do
wouldn’t it feel really good to prove
them all wrong I mean I think the
difference between someone who
ultimately is successful and someone who
isn’t is just well getting up and trying
again and I feel like I’ve seen that in
my life again to other people is that
things get hard and people try again and
things get hard and people might try
again might not and then things get hard
and they just don’t try again and giving
up is is can’t be an option and I think
that that goes back to the core of
making sure that whatever it is you’re
doing is something that you love to do
something that you enjoy something that
maybe if you didn’t even get paid would
you still do it and I think that’s what
pulls you through those times ultimately
but and that’s what keeps you coming
back for more and that’s what that
passion and that love for what it is
that you do is what keeps you going so
would you say your resilience and that
persistence is because you love what you
do so much or is there something about
your parents or anything in your
upbringing you think it’s I mean I think
that genetically I have a deterrent I’m
determined because my dad was very much
like that for sure very persistent and
determined but I think it’s also because
I found something that I love to do and
there’s plenty of other stuff that I’ve
done that I didn’t keep doing I mean I
didn’t keep playing basketball let’s
face it
but I kept racing
so it was about finding that I feel and
finding it really young I’m very
fortunate that I found it really young
and I I tell everyone young or old it’s
just if you could have if you could do
anything in the world what would you do
well why can’t you do that then at least
start at least just try to make an
effort at doing it you’re not gonna get
there within one shot but but you just
got to take baby steps and opportunities
along the way and I feel like especially
like people get out of college and they
have this idea of what they want to do
and they’re holding out until they get
it just get going you know just get
working and get the experience and and
and and start working your way there I
think all of us at Vogue are always
looking for talent and we’re also
looking for someone who has a head on
their shoulders and understand that
being talented is obviously important
but that you also have have to have a
sense of business and that being
creative and commercial does are two
words that can work together I get to
the court so you know I have my bag and
I’m wearing my my hat in my in my hoodie
this is my office
like that’s my work place and I am like
I’m laser focus and I’ve had that I mean
I I think it’s that mentality that
whatever I just have that tunnel vision
and that’s how I go and when I leave the
courts I’ve got friends family jokes fun
like when I get to my office I closed
the door and that’s me that’s you
you know 12 years of research 11,000
pieces of data I had I did not interview
and all that time a person who would
describe themselves as joyful or
describe their lives as joyous who did
not actively practice gratitude and for
me it was very counterintuitive because
I kind of went into the research
thinking that the relationship between
joy and gratitude was if you’re joyful
then you should be grateful but it
wasn’t that way at all it was really
that practicing gratitude invites Julie
entire lives and when I say practice I
think this is this is the part that
really changed my life it changed my
family and the way we live every day
when I say practice gratitude I don’t
mean kind
like the attitude of gratitude or
feeling grateful
I mean practicing gratitude these folks
shared in common a tangible gratitude
practice they either kept gratitude
journals some of them did interesting
things like at 1 2 3 4 like at 12:30 for
every day they said something out loud
that they were grateful for they one of
the things that we do like we say grace
at dinner and so now after grace we go
around and everyone in my family says
something they’re grateful for I mean
including what’s interesting is when we
first started I have a first grader at
first grade sight in Charlie and 8th
grade daughter Ellen and at first I
thought and we’ve been doing for a
couple years now like they’re like oh
god mom and if there was a little like
this is you know are you experimenting
on us it’s a little bit of that but now
what’s interesting even after we did it
for like a couple of weeks that on those
crazy busy nights where we’re trying to
like get to soccer and piano and
homework and Steve and I are just like
we can we say a quick prayer we start
eating my kids are like whoa what are
you grateful for and it’s been
absolutely does it invite more joy into
our house it also is such a soulful
window into what’s going on in my kids
lives you know so there’s some days
where my eighth grader I’ll be like I’m
joyful that there’s a huge thick wall
between my room and my brother’s room
you know something he’s very you know
honest but their other day she’ll say
you know she had a friend whose mother
recently died and she said you know for
a month she would say I’m just so
grateful that y’all are healthy right
now you know and so not only did it make
us all more aware of what we had and
more willing to slow down and really be
thankful for the joyful moments we had
but it let me know where she was
emotionally in her life you know my side
is always you know I’m grateful for bugs
I’m grateful for frogs but sometimes
he’ll say you know I’m grateful that you
picked me up early or you know I’m
grateful that I finally understand
adjectives you know so it’s there’s a
great quote that says it’s not granted
it’s not joy that makes us grateful it’s
gratitude that makes us joyful and
it’s by a Jesuit brother a Jesuit priest
and I guess I was just amazed to find
that bubble up so strongly in the
research it’s life-changing
well I’m very driven by what I do I am
certainly very competitive what else am
i needy I’m probably very needy yes a
bitch issues perfectionist birdstrike
bitch first well I I hope I’m not
I try not to be but I like people who
represent the best of what they do and
if that turns you into perfectionist then maybe I am
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