our jobs are killing us and the people
who responsible are the leaders and we
also know that parents who come home
stressed out their kids learn that this
is what work is that work is something
that makes you short-tempered and and
and unhappy and so they expect it as
they grow older
worse we know that parents who come home
upset and angry it has such a negative
impact on their children that there’s
some studies that show that they might
actually become bullies because of their
unhappy parents who hate their jobs and
have excessive amounts of stress our our
companies are literally killing us so
what are you gonna do about it what are
gonna do about it
leadership is not a ranked leadership is
not a position leadership is a decision
leadership is a choice it has nothing to
do with your position in the
organization if you decide to look after
the person to the left of you and look
after the person to the right of you you
have become a leader you’ve seen the
movie 300 right the Spartans the
greatest fighting force of all time you
want to know one of the things that made
the Spartans great wasn’t their muscles
wasn’t their spears it was their shields
they stood shield to shield and the
Phalanx was stronger because they all
those shields were big and they were
told when they were young children you
either bring your shield home or you
come home on your shield
the punishment for for losing your
shield was tremendous in battle because
if you lost your shield that means you
cannot protect the person to the left of
you and the person to the right of you
and you have destroyed the Phalanx it’s
the shield that matters not the spear
not the spear
it’s your willingness to sacrifice
yourself not your life maybe your credit
maybe you’re a little time maybe a
little energy maybe your time you know
maybe getting up from your desk and
talking to somebody for 30 minutes
instead of sending a three-minute email
it’s your willingness to sacrifice for
someone to hold that shield up so that
and you want to know how you beat a
dopamine addiction if you worried that
you’re addicted to performance and all
as dopamine things Alcoholics Anonymous
has been highly effective for decades 80
something years we all know the first
step of the twelfth steps we joke about
it right admit you have a problem did
you know the twelfth step don’t say it’s
supposed to be synonymous I’ll tell you
what the twelfth step is Alcoholics
Anonymous knows that if you master all
eleven steps but not the twelfth you
will drink again if you master the
twelfth step you will beat the disease
what’s the twelfth step the twelfth step
is the commitment to help another
alcoholic service service to another
oxytocin wins Sara Tosun when serotonin
wins the more we look after each other
the safer we feel the more we feel like
we belong and the more we will work
together to confront the dangers outside
do this for others and others will
become Johnny Bravo so the date is
August 16 2002 and flying over a valley
in Afghanistan are two a-10 warthogs an
a-10 is a heavily armoured low-flying
slow aircraft designed to provide ground
cover for troops on the ground and on
this night it’s a very very cloudy night
the storms in the area and these two
planes hanging up above just waiting in
case anybody down below needs help up
there it’s gorgeous the moon is bright
the thousands of stars in the sky the
clouds look like the snow had just
fallen down below in the valley however
there were 22 Special Forces Special
Operations Forces troops trying to make
their way through the country and they
could feel that something was wrong they
could feel they felt uneasy one of the
pilots up above
callsign Johnny Bravo and yes he stands
like this he could feel their unease
listening to him over the radio so he
decides he was going to go down below
the cloud and just have a look
he tells his wingman hang out up here
I’ll go see what there is and he points
us plane down into the clouds and as
he’s going through the clouds the call
comes over the radio troops in contact
troops in contact is what they say when
they come under effective fire it means
they’re in trouble
so now Johnny Bravo points is playing
straight down the planes getting
thrashed about in the turbulence and
when he comes out below the clouds he’s
less than a thousand feet off the ground
and he’s flying in a valley cliffs on
both sides now this is only 2002 and the
planes were not yet equipped with
ground-hugging radar and worse they were
using old Russian maps that’s all they
had at the time and the site that greets
him is something like he’s never seen
before not in training and not in the
movies he sees tracer fire fire coming
from all sides of the valley pointed
right in the middle of where the
American forces are and so he picks a
point and starts to lay down suppressing
fire and he’s flying and he’s in danger
of hitting the cliff of course he knows
his speed he knows his distance from the
map and he literally counts out loud
well he lays down the suppressing fire
one one thousand two one thousand three
one thousand four one thousand five one
thousand pulls hard on the stick pulls
back up into the cloud comes down around
again one one thousand two one thousand
three one thousand four one thousand
good hits good hits it says over his
radio and again he comes around one one
thousand two one thousand three one
thousand four one thousand five one
thousand he runs out of ammunition fuel
is fine flies back up to the top of the
cloud tells his wingman you need to get
down there his wingman isn’t sure about
the condition so the two of them fly
back down together his wingman lays down
the suppressing fire and Johnny Bravo
counts as they fly three feet apart from
each other wing to wing one one thousand
two one thousand three one thousand four
one thousand five one thousand up and
around again one one thousand two one
thousand three one thousand four one
thousand five one thousand that night
twenty two Americans went home alive
with zero casualties my question is is
where do people like Johnny Bravo come
from who are they who would risk their
lives for others so that made they may
survive I asked Johnny Bravo
I asked him why why would you do it why
would you risk your life’s that others
may survive and he gave me the same
answer that everybody in his position
gives because they would have done it
for me now if you think about it in the
military they give medals to people who
are willing to sacrifice themselves that
others may gain in business we give
bonuses to people who are willing to
sacrifice others so that we may gain we
have it backwards wouldn’t you like to
work in an organization in which you
have the absolute confidence the
absolute knowledge that other people
that you may or may not know who work in
the same organization as you would be
willing to sacrifice themselves so that
you may survive and in and we’re not
talking about giving your life I mean we
don’t even like to give up credit you
know so where do people like Johnny
Bravo come from well it’s an age-old
question they’re not born they’re
actually made if you look at the human
animal the human animal is like a
machine there are systems inside our
bodies that are trying to get us to do
things that are in the interests of the
survival of the human animal right just
like in an industry in a business and a
company if you want people to do
something you offer them some sort of
positive or negative incentive to direct
the behavior right so if you want people
to achieve a certain goal you offer them
a bonus if they achieve that goal and
they’ll work towards that goal because
they want the bonus it’s a very simple
system the human body works exactly the
same way it works exactly the same way
inside our bodies are chemicals that are
trying to get us to do things that are
in the best interest of us if you’ve
ever had a feeling of happiness pride
joy love fulfillment all of these
feelings that we have are chemically
produced feelings and they’re produced
by four chemicals predominantly these
are the basically responsible for all of
the feelings that I would generically
call happiness they are endorphins
dopamine serotonin and oxytocin and so
these two chemicals endorphins and
dopamine I like to call these the
selfish chemicals but you don’t really
need anybody’s help
to get them right let me tell you let me
tell you a little bit about what they
are
endorphins endorphins are designed to do
one thing and one thing
only masks physical pain that’s it
that’s what they do if you if you’re a
runner if you’ve ever gone and done a
heavy exercise you’ve heard of an
endorphin rush or a runner’s high
basically what’s happening is when that
runners out there pushing their bodies
harder than they’ve ever pushed before
they feel good
and when they’re done with their run
they feel fantastic
and then an hour later they’re in pain
for damage they cause their muscles an
hour before right this is what
endorphins are designed to do they’re
designed to mask physical pain
the caveman reason for this stuff
because this stuff is all from 50,000
years ago understand homo sapien existed
at the same time as other hominid
species and yet we survived and they
didn’t what is it about this species
that’s so good at survival and thriving
look at the world we’ve built it’s not
just that we’re smart we’re certainly
not the strongest we’re certainly not
the smartest it’s that so we’re social
animals we have to do things together
together we have to look after each
other and we have to work together to
ensure that we survive that we do well
this is how we’re designed right these
chemicals are trying to make that happen
so in these caveman times 50,000 years
ago Paleolithic era we had to eat we’re
not the strongest we’re not the fastest
but there’s one thing that the human
animal is made for endurance we could
track an animal for hours and hours and
hours and miles and miles and miles and
if we were tired we’d keep going and if
we got injured or we had to bring the
food back to the cave we’d continue to
do it and it was so good it felt so good
that maybe we’d even volunteer to go
hunting the next day just like we get
addicted to exercise right oh my god it
was so much fun yesterday I will totally
go hunting tomorrow right good system
for the survival of the group good
system by the way the reason laughing
feels good is because of endorphins
you’re actually convulsing your internal
organs and endorphins are masking the
physical pain I’m sure everybody here
has laughed so much that the endorphins
eventually run out you go stop stop
it hurts endorphins they feel good
dopamine dopamine is the feeling that
you found something you’re looking for
or do you accomplish something you set
out to accomplish
so you know that feeling you get when
you cross something
if your to-do list that’s dopamine feels
awesome you know when you when you have
a goal to hit and you achieve that goal
you’re like yes you feel like you’ve won
something right
that’s dopamine the whole purpose of
dopamine is to make sure that we get
stuff done right the the historical
reason for dopamine we would never eat
if we only waited to get until we got
hungry because there’s no guarantee that
we would find food
so dopamine exists to help us go looking
for food we get dopamine when we eat
which is one of the reasons we like
eating and so when you see something
that reminds you of something that feels
good we want to do the behavior that
helps us get that feeling right so let’s
say you’re out there going for a walk
and you see an apple tree in the
distance you get a small hit of dopamine
and then what it does is it focuses us
on our goals and now we start walking
towards the apple tree and has the apple
tree starts to get a little bigger we
feel like we’re making progress you get
another little shot of dopamine and
another little shot of dopamine until
you get to the Train you’re like yes
okay this is why we’re told you must
write down your goals your goals must be
tangible there’s a there’s a biological
reason for that we were very very
visually oriented animals you have to be
able to see the goal for it to
biologically stay focused right if you
don’t write down your goals if you can’t
see your goals it’s very hard to get
motivated to get inspired for example
think about corporate visions right a
corporate vision has have to be
something we can see right that’s why
it’s called a vision you can see it
right to be the biggest most respected
to be the fastest-growing are not
visions they’re nothing right what does
that even look like respected by whom
your mother yourself your friends your
shareholders who knows what’s the metric
dunno it’s Amorphis doesn’t motivate us
just like I can’t tell you you will get
a bonus if you achieve more you’re gonna
ask me how much more I’m gonna say more
doesn’t work you need a tangible goal
you need a tangible goal right here’s a
great vision Martin Luther King I have a
dream that one day little black children
the little white children will play on
the playground together there and hold
hands together we can imagine that we
can set our sights on
and every time we achieve a goal and
achieve a metric and achieve a milestone
that makes us feel like we’re making
progress to the division we can see we
keep going and going and going until we
achieve something remarkable you have to
be able to see it dopamine
like I said dopamine is the feeling you
get when you set out to find something
you’re looking for as well talked about
the to-do list I came home from a trip
just a couple days ago and I had a bunch
of errands to run and I wrote down a
little list of things I had to do and
off I went right and as I was walking
past I think was a dragon I remember I
was walking past something I remembered
oh I have to do that and I hadn’t
written it down on my I hadn’t written
down on my to-do list so I went in and I
finished what I needed to do and then
when I came out I then wrote it on my
to-do list and then crossed it out
dopamine comes with a warning dopamine
is highly highly highly addictive here
are some other things that release
dopamine alcohol nicotine gambling your
cell phone
oh you think I’m joking okay we’ve all
been told that you know if you wake up
in the morning and you crave a drink you
might be an alcoholic well if you wake
up in the morning the first thing you do
is check your phone before you even get
out of bed might be an addict if you
walk from room to room in your own
you might be an addict when you’re
driving in your car and you get a text
and your phone goes beep we we hate
email true we love the beep the buzz the
ding aw right you’ll be there in 10
minutes
and yet you have to look at it right now
you might be an addict and even if you
read it and it says are you free for
dinner next Thursday and you have to
reply immediately you can’t wait the 10
minutes you might be an addict and for
all you Gen Y is out there who like to
think that you’re better at multitasking
beause you grew up with the technology
then why do you keep crashing your cars
when you’re texting you’re not you’re
not better at multitasking you’re better
getting distracted in fact if you look
at the statistics ad D and ADHD have
diagnosis of AD D and ADHD have risen
66% in the past 10 years okay ad D and
ADHD is a frontal lobe disorder right
are you telling me out of nowhere 66% of
our youth has the frontal lobe problem
where did that come from no it’s a
misdiagnosis right what what are the
what are the symptoms of a dopamine
addiction to technology distractibility
inability to get things done easily
easily distracted you know shortness of
attention it’s all the same things so we
misdiagnosed things it’s this it’s the
addictive quality of dopamine we can
also get addicted to performance in our
companies when all they do is give us
numbers to hit numbers to hit numbers to
hit and a bonus you get and a bonus you
get and a bonus you get all they’re
doing is feeding us with dopamine and we
can’t help ourselves all we do is want
more more MORE it’s no surprise that the
bank’s destroyed the economy because one
of the things we know about dopamine
addict is they will do anything to get
another hit sometimes at the sacrifice
of their own resources and their
relationships ask any alcoholic gambling
addict or as drug addict as ask them how
their relationships are doing and if
they’ve squandered any of their
resources it’s an addiction dopamine is
dangerous if it is unbalanced it is
hugely helpful when in a comfortable and
balanced system that when unbalanced
it’s dangerous and its destructive you
don’t need anybody’s help to get these
go for a run achieve your goals you’ll
get dough
I mean you’ll get endorphins but you
won’t have any feeling of fulfillment or
love or trust that’s where these come in
these are attempting to manage these
this is what makes our society great
this is where people like Johnny Bravo
come from it’s because of these two
chemicals that leaders really fulfill
their great responsibilities outside in
the world is danger at all times for
various reasons in caveman times that
danger may have been you know a
saber-toothed tiger it may have been the
weather it may have been a lack of
resources it may have been who knows any
number of things things that with no
conscience are trying to kill you they
want to end your life and so how do we
survive we work together and together we
come together in our groups and our
companies and our tribes to feel like we
belong to be around people who believe
what we believe so that we may feel safe
when we’re surrounded by people who have
our best interests in mind and we feel
safe we will organize ourselves and
cooperate to face the dangers externally
don’t forget the outside dangers are a
constant in a modern world the outside
dangers may be your competition that’s
trying to put you out of business or at
least steal your business it might be
the herbs and flows of the economy it
might be terrorism all of these unknowns
all trying to put you out of business
take away your job take away your
livelihood end it for you nothing
personal it’s a constant inside our
organizations the dangers we face are
not a constant they are a variable and
they are the decisions of leadership as
to how safe they make us feel when we go
to work this is the job of leaders ASA
said it better than I can there’s an
Aesop fable about four oxen that stand
tailed to tail and whenever the lion
tries to eat them no matter what angle
from which he attacks he will always be
met with horns
however due to infighting and
disagreements they separate and they go
and graze in different parts of the
field and one by one the lion picks them
off and kills them all when we stand
together
we can more easily face the dangers
outside when we break up inside our
companies if our leaders don’t allow us
a space to feel safe inside our own
companies to feel like we belong then we
have to we’re forced to exert our own
energy to protect ourselves from each
other and by the way expose ourselves to
greater danger from the outside if you
have to worry about politics if you have
to worry about someone stealing your
credit if you have to worry about your
bus not having your back think about the
energy you invest not in your business
not in the products you’re trying to
develop not in your work not in how
great you’re producing not in your
creativity but in just keeping yourself
feeling safe this is destructive the
responsibilities of leadership is two
things one to determine who gets in and
who doesn’t get in this is what it means
to start with why what are our values
what are our beliefs who can we allow in
second thing is to decide how big this
is how big do we make the circle of
safety how big do we make the circle of
belonging do we keep it around just our
c-level executives and call it an inner
circle and allow others to try and fend
for themselves and maybe try and get
into our inner circle or do we extend it
to the outermost edges of the
organization great leaders extend the
circle of safety the circle of belonging
out to the outermost edges so the most
junior person feels like they belong
feels safe feels like they have top
cover from somebody like Johnny Bravo
that’s what these other two chemicals
are trying to do serotonin is the
leadership chemical is the responsible
for feelings of Pride and status when
you this is why public recognition is
very important we are social animals and
we need the recognition of others this
is why we have the Oscars and this is
why we have public awards events this is
why we have commencement for graduation
I mean think about it what does it
really take to get to graduate college
you need to pay your bills fulfill the
minimum requirements and and collect
enough credits that’s it right it’s a
formula you could get an email that says
congratulations you fulfilled all the
requirements for graduation and closed
please print out the PDF of your diploma
pS magna laude right wouldn’t feel
so good right so instead we have a big
ceremony to recognize the accomplishment
and in the audience we put our family
and our friends and our teachers all of
those in our tribe who’ve supported us
and watched our backs as we’ve made it
through and then we show up on that day
and we go up on that stage and we take
our diploma it feels great
we feel our status rise we feel our
pride go up and by the way when you have
serotonin in your veins your confidence
goes up also and here’s the best part
about serotonin at the exact moment that
you took your diploma and you felt that
surge of serotonin go through your body
at the exact moment you’re parents
sitting in the audience also got a surge
of serotonin and also felt an intense
pride watching you graduate and this is
what serotonin is trying to do it is
trying to reinforce the relationship
between parent and child boss and
employee coach and player the caregiver
and the one who is is gret is grateful
for the support they are given and think
about it
listen to the speeches that we give if
you give an award to somebody what do
they say I couldn’t have done it I thank
God I thank my parents I thank my coach
we thank the person who we believe was
looking out for us we could not have
done this without them we say and they
look at us and they say so proud of you
and we work to make them proud great
teams don’t want to win the trophy great
teams want to win one for the coach they
want to make the coach proud we want to
make our parents proud and it raises our
status and it raises our confidence and
it feels good and we in turn will look
after others so that they may accomplish
the same this is what serotonin is
trying desperately to do the problem is
you can trick serotonin we live in a
materialist society so we judge status
very often in our country based on how
much money you make right so any
conspicuous display of wealth raises
your status this is why they put the
logos on the outside no good on the
inside nobody can see them we want the
red line of ours our prodigal asses how
good
you you own a pair of designer shoes how
good does it feel to put on your Gucci
shoes oh my god it feels so good you
walk out and you feel a million bucks
you can actually feel your confidence
rise when you put on you put on the
stuff right because it’s showing this
display of status it feels great the
problem is there was no real
relationship that was reinforced because
of it
you tricked the system that’s why we
keep trying to accomplish things and
accumulate more and more material goods
and yet we never feel successful because
there was no relationship we tricked it
we gained it serotonin is the leadership
chemical the reason I call it leadership
chemical is a historical reason a very
simple historical reason we had a very
practical problem as our animal was
developing as the Homo Sapien was
developing we lived in communities of
about a hundred and 150 people and
there’s a very practical issue which is
if we’re hungry and somebody brings back
food and drop a carcass on the floor
we’re all gonna rush in to eat and if
you’re lucky enough to be built like a
linebacker
you will elbow your way to the front and
you get the elbow in the face not a good
system to keep the whole tribe alive and
definitely not a good system for
cooperation because remember the value
of group living means that if I trust
you and you trust me I can fall asleep
at night and trust that you will alert
me to danger if I don’t trust you I
can’t go to sleep at night it’s the same
in our companies if we trust each other
we will turn our backs we will take
risks we will innovate we will do things
that will change the course of our world
if I don’t trust you I can’t do that I
can’t do that there’s value in group
living and group working and so if you
got an elbow in the face that afternoon
odds are very high that you’re not gonna
wake the guy who punched you if dangers
there you’re just not gonna do it
bad system and so we evolved into
hierarchical animals we’re constantly
assessing and judging each other
constantly arranging ourselves who’s the
Alpha who’s the dominant who’s the one
who sort of is the is that is the more
dominant personality or dominant talent
in the room in caveman times that might
have been physical muscle in the
creative industry it might be talent in
you know the military it might be
courage
standard by which we judge alphas its
relative to the industries were in and
its relative to us as well if you’ve
ever met someone and you were nervous
while you were meeting them you’re not
the alpha we’ve all had the experience
where we’re meeting somebody and we can
sense that they’re nervous meeting us
you’re the alpha I’ll tell you a little
aside that’s kind of funny
you know when women all live together
their menstrual cycles align right
assuming they’re not on the pill then it
doesn’t work right but if they’re not on
the pill that all the menstrual cycles
go together on the same schedule it’s
not arbitrary
they always align with the alpha females
schedule and the reason is is because
when a woman is in her menstrual cycle
she can’t bear children and so in
evolutionary terms you want the alpha
male male female 2 to do it so you can
have alpha children right nice strong
strapping kids are gonna survive but if
she’s off the market that produces
competition so mother nature has in
created a very clever way that when
she’s off the market everyone’s off the
back to the talk so we’re constantly
judging and assessing each other whose
alpha right and what we do is when we
assess that someone else is the Alpha we
voluntarily take a step back and allow
them to eat first alphas get first
choice of meat and first choice of mate
good system good system the Alpha gets
deep first the rest of us may not get
the best cut of meat but we will get to
eat eventually and we won’t get an elbow
in the face good system will happily
alert them to danger later good system
this is why we’re constantly trying to
raise our status is because there are
benefits to being the Alpha people will
do things for us and step back and offer
us favors right we’re and we to this day
we’re perfectly comfortable giving
special treatment to our alphas no one
has a problem that your boss makes more
money than you you might think he’s an
ass but you don’t have a problem that he
makes more money nobody has a problem
that somebody outranked who outranks us
at work has a bigger office than us
doesn’t offend us it is deeply ingrained
in us we happily step aside and allow
our alphas first choice of meat and
first choice of mate it’s good to be the
king there are advantages that come with
being the Alpha you get special
treatment you get to eat first people
show you love and respect it boosts the
serotonin you walk around like this it
boosts your confidence it’s awesome but
it comes at a cost you see the group is
not stupid we’re not giving all of that
stuff away for free
leadership alpha comes at a cost
you see we expect that when danger
threatens us from the outside that the
person who’s actually stronger the
person who’s better fed and the person
who is actually teeming with serotonin
and actually as higher confidence of the
rest of us
we expect them to run towards the danger
to protect us this is what it means to
be a leader the cost of leadership is
self-interest if you’re not willing to
give up your perks when it matters then
you probably shouldn’t get promoted you
might be an authority but you will not
be a leader leadership comes
cost you don’t get to do less work when
you get more senior you have to do more
work and the more work you have to do is
put yourself at risk to look after
others that is the anthropological
definition of what a leader is this is
why we’re so offended by these banker
boys who pay themselves astronomical
salaries it has nothing to do with the
number it has to do with the fact that
they have violated a deep-seated social
contract we know that they made all of
that money and allowed their people to
be sacrificed in fact they may have
sacrificed their people for the money if
I told you we’re gonna give a hundred
and fifty million dollars to Nelson
Mandela but anyone have a problem with
that nope
two hundred and fifty million dollars to
mother Teresa got an issue with it no
it’s not the number it’s not the amount
of money they make it’s that we are
deeply and viscerally offended that we
know that we allowed them to have this
alpha position and they did not fulfill
their responsibilities of the Alpha
they’re supposed to sacrifice themselves
for us never sacrifice us for themselves
this is why we’re angry and offended and
don’t trust them they fail oh there’s
[Music]
oxytocin this is the best chemical of
all oxytocin is the feeling of love and
trust and friendship it’s all the warm
and fuzzies it’s all the unicorns and
rainbows it’s the reason we like to
spend time with our friends even if we
don’t do anything with them we just sit
and watch TV we love their company I
promise you nearly every single person
sitting in this room today chose the
person they’re sitting next to you’re
not sitting next to a stranger you’re
sitting next to somebody you met came
with or or kind of know a little bit why
because it makes you feel safer doesn’t
it if you got up and went and sat next
to strangers wouldn’t feel so good
that’s the feeling of oxytocin oxytocin
is that intense feeling of safety that
someone’s got your back there are
multiple ways you can get oxytocin one
way to get it is physical contact
hugging feels wonderful right this when
women give birth to children huge surge
of oxytocin in their body this is what’s
responsible for the mother parent that
the mother-child bond right it’s all
that oxytocin in the system this is why
shaking hands matters imagine you’re
doing the deal with someone and you’re
ready to sign the contract and you say
I’m so excited to do business with you
and they go I don’t need to shake let’s
sign the contract I’m also excited to do
business with you you go great well
let’s shake on it then they go no no no
I agree to all the terms let’s get this
deal done I can’t wait to work with you
there you might get everything you want
in the contract but business
relationships are not rational
they’re about feeling safe they’re about
feeling we belong it’s human and one of
the ways we want to know that that
relationship is solidified is with
physical touch they’re simple refusal to
touch you to exchange that oxytocin
means one of two things will happen
you will either completely scuttle the
deal or you will go into it
nervous human bonds matter another way
you can get oxytocin is through acts of
human generosity an act of human
generosity is defined as giving of your
time and energy and expecting nothing in
turn money doesn’t work sorry if I told
you that this morning I gave a thousand
dollars to charity what would you think
of me you’d be like good for you what do
you want a medal but if I told you that
last Saturday I gave up my day and I
went and painted schools in the inner
city then what would you think you’d be
like nice cool I should do more right
the the value of my labour much less
than a thousand dollars could have hired
many more people for a thousand dollars
to go paint schools in the inner city
but you see as human beings we put a
premium on time because it is an equal
commodity and it is a non redeemable
commodity you spend money you make money
you spend time you’ll never get it back
some of you are sitting in this room
right now saying I will never get this
time back
I got nothing for you so we put a
premium on people who give us their time
and energy a leader who says to you I’ll
pay for something for you is not a
leader a leader comes and sits down next
to you and says how can I help you is a
leader I was talking to some oil
executives and they were trying to
convince me that they really care about
how fulfilled and how happy their
employees are at work to which I said no
you don’t and they said no we do and I
said no you know and they said yeah we
do you see how this win and I said I bet
you hired some high-priced consultancy
to come into a web survey about whether
people like their jobs or not and they
said well we didn’t hire a consultancy I
said okay so it’s kind of like sending
your son an email right dear son your
mother and I care that you feel like a
valuable part of this family
please tell us candidly what we can do
better so that you feel like you belong
here because we really love you love dad
or you go into his room you sit on his
bed and you say hey son your mom and I
really care that you feel like a
valuable member of this family
please tell us candidly what we can do
better because we want you to feel like
you belong and we really love you same
words same intention same desire the
difference is one you gave time and
energy and the other one you didn’t this
is the problem with email it’s too easy
it’s too easy
there’s no time and energy expended it’s
too easy don’t feel anything if I come
to your house for dinner you make me a
lovely dinner the next day I send you a
very nice thank-you email what a
wonderful host you are or three days
later you receive a handwritten note
from me with the exact same words that
were written in the email which one
makes you feel better and written note
the sentiment was the same the words
were the same the differences one took a
little more time and a little more
energy leaders are the ones who give us
their time and give us their energy not
the ones who give us their money it
doesn’t count doesn’t work just
biologically doesn’t work this is how
you get oxytocin doing nice things for
people that require that you sacrifice a
little bit of time a little bit of
energy something you will never get back
and if you expect something in return
that you weren’t really giving in the
first place you take someone out for
dinner because you want them to hire you
you’re not really taking them out for it
you want something in return it’s just a
protracted transaction it’s not
relationship building it’s nonsense I
was walking down the streets of New York
true story and guy in front of me his
backpack opened a bunch of paper filled
spilled out on the on the street didn’t
think much of it I bent down carried the
papers up handed them back to him and
pointed out that his bag had opened
I did a small act of generosity for
somebody I got a small burst of oxytocin
I felt good also the person on the
receiving end of the act of generosity
feels good they get a shot of oxytocin
he felt good he says thanks I get to the
end of the block and I’m standing
waiting to cross the street and a guy
who’s also happens to be standing
waiting to cross the street turns around
true story turns around and says to me I
saw what you did back there that was
really cool as it turns out witnessing
acts of human generosity release
oxytocin remember our bodies are trying
to get us to repeat behaviors that are
in our best interest and it’s making us
feel good when we see or do acts of
human generosity so that we will do them
in fact the more oxytocin you have in
your body
the more generous you actually become
you know is the more you do the more you
want to do it gets better than that
lots of oxytocin in your body inhibits
addiction it makes it very difficult to
get addicted to something when you have
lots of oxytocin your body actually hits
addiction it boosts your immune system
it makes you healthier
that’s why happy people live longer it’s
why couples live longer
oxytocin it actually is good for us it
increases our ability to solve problems
it increases our creativity it’s really
good for us and it’s not addictive it
just feels great it takes time to build
up though you know if I I went on a date
with a girl the other day there’s a
first date we totally got along great
we’re gonna get married why are you
laughing that’s my social life
the reason you laugh is because you
inherently know that I cannot form a
bond of trust strong enough to get
married in seven days you know that why
don’t you go on a couple more days but
inherently you know that right but if I
told you that I’ve been dating somebody
for seven years and we’re not married
yet what do you say what’s wrong in
other words we know that that bond of
trust takes more than seven days in less
than seven years don’t know how long it
takes though so when you start a new job
and you’re really excited to work there
and they’re really excited to have you
don’t quite feel like you belong you
don’t quite feel like you’re trusted yet
right even though you were really
excited their leaks it takes time and
you have to do little acts of generosity
and make little sacrifices do little
things for people not big risk small
risks it’s like dating you know you
don’t start by buying them a diamond you
start by taking them for lunch buying
them a drink you know little bits then
they take you out or they you take them
out again you do something a little
bigger then you do that in a movie then
they come over and then you buy them
flowers and then you say I love you and
one day you wake up in the morning it’s
like you press this belief button you
just I I’m in love I don’t know when it
happened you just clicks and you feel
like you belong same thing at work same
thing at work it just clicks and you
feel like you belong because you got
enough oxytocin built up in your system
we don’t allow this to happen we’re too
busy sending emails we’re too busy
sending emails the next time you want to
tell somebody something email is
fantastic for the exchange of
information right it’s fantastic here’s
the report you wanted the meetings at
four o’clock fantastic what did you
think of my idea do not reply on an
email that’s an emotional question email
as a rational tool you get up from your
desk you walk the 30 feet and you say
wanted to tell you what I thought of
your idea and I promise you not only
will that information be better received
but you will start to create
relationship because oxytocin starts to
get released if you can’t get up and
walk 30 feet pick up the telephone I’ve
done it it’s an amazing thing you pick
up the phone you go hey they’re like hey
what’s the matter they’re like no I’m
wanted to tell you what I thought what
and people who tell me but I need a
paper trail have the conversation hang
up and say just to confirm what we
talked about boom there’s your paper
trail the reason we get so many emails
is because we reply to them all and
twelve emails are sent and then somebody
misunderstands something and somebody
gets angry and then you have to pick up
the phone and deal with it anyway – at
the beginning quicker easier better
biology give your time and give your
energy and this is why leadership is
really difficult because you can’t give
it to everyone because you don’t have
enough to get to everyone you just can’t
you have to make sure that you can trust
others to trust others to trust others
to trust others and this is what happens
in the circle of belonging in the circle
of safety this is what effective
bureaucracy is which is as the CEO as
the leader or whatever your job is you
have one responsibility and one
responsibility only which is to make
sure the people you know that you have
physical contact with you know their
names
our confident and feel looked after and
encouraged them to do the same for the
ones who work beneath them who brew neat
work beneath them who work beneath them
and when this group of people really
feel safe then they will invite in the
customer to also feel safe they will
talk to these people as if they are
human I actually flew in an airline
recently and I was I was appalled at how
I was treated it was disgusting I was
like cattle right and I said something I
said why do you treat people like cattle
and she literally said to me I’m sorry
sir I have to do it or I’ll lose my job
what did she tell me my organization
that I work for it doesn’t make me feel
safe I don’t feel like like I belong so
I’m gonna treat you like dirt to protect
myself
as opposed to somebody who feels safest
says sir I will do everything in my
power to make sure that you feel happy
and good because I’m not worried
that’s called a highly effective
organization there’s one more chemical I
haven’t told you about
the Big C cortisol cortisol is the
feeling of stress and the feeling of
anxiety we share these chemicals with
all the social mammals and so when you
see a herd of gizelle you vall seen the
documentary on discovery or whatever
right and see a herd of gazelle grazing
and one of them thinks they hear a
rustle in the grass and they go head
right
that’s what cortisol does cortisol is
designed to keep us alive it is the
first stage of fight-or-flight
it makes us paranoid it makes all of our
senses hyper attuned to look for danger
it injects glucose into our muscles to
make a stiff and ready to go in case we
need to fight or flight it increases our
heart rate like crazy right and it makes
us start looking it makes us paranoid to
find the danger and the cool thing about
cortisol when you work in a social
environment is if other people sense
that you’re nervous they get nervous so
all the other gazelle go they didn’t
hear anything they just saw Steve over
there it really freaked out and so they
got all freaked out and now they all
start looking for the danger good system
and one of them who didn’t even hear the
initial rustle in the grass sees the
lion runs they all run they all live
another day good system so that when we
go to work and somebody says I think
there’s gonna be layoffs all of us are
like what do you mean wait there’s gonna
be we’re all paranoid now we’re all free
I shouldn’t have talked in that meeting
ah we start to get crazy we start to get
paranoid our hearts start to race so
what cortisol does it’s trying to keep
us alive you wake up in the middle of
the night you hear a bump in the middle
of the night huh what’s the first thing
you do you wake the person next to you
and then what do they do they go and if
there’s nothing there you go and trust
your eyes right you go looking for it
we’re visual animals right if there’s
nothing there you go like this cortisol
leaves our body and we relax and our
heartbeat goes back down cortisol to get
all of that extra energy to make us
paranoid to make us self interested it
needs to shut down non-essential system
because it has to get it from somewhere
right so it shuts off things like growth
you don’t need your fingernails to grow
at that moment shuts it off the other
thing it shuts off is our immune system
don’t need it in that moment the problem
is you’re not supposed to have cortisol
in your system all the time you’re
supposed to have it in and then gone and
when we go to work in a place that
doesn’t make us feel like we belong that
doesn’t make us feel safe when we’re at
work guess what we got little bits of
cortisol dripping in our body drip drip
drip drip makes his paranoid drip I know
my boss hates me I know he hates me I
hate he hates all my ideas I know it
drip drip it makes it self-interested
one of the things cortisol does it
inhibits the release of oxytocin
biologically if you work in a
high-stress environment where you don’t
feel safe you were biologically less
empathetic and less generous we don’t
care about each other because we’re too
busy trying to protect ourselves drip
drip drip our immune systems are now
compromised drip drip drip we live in a
country with some of the best medical
education in the world some of the best
medical systems in the world some of the
best doctors in the world some of the
best hospitals in the world some the
best medicines in the world please
explain to me why diabetes is on the
rise heart disease is on the rise some
cancers are on the rise it ain’t hot
partially hydrogenated oils our jobs are
killing us and the people who
responsible are the leaders and we also
know that parents who come home stressed
out their kids learn that this is what
work is that work is something that
makes you short-tempered and and and
unhappy and so they expect it as they
grow older worse we know that parents
who come home upset and angry it has
such a negative impact on their children
that there’s some studies that show that
they might actually become bullies
because of their unhappy parents who
hate their jobs and have excessive
amounts of stress our our companies are
literally killing us so what are you
gonna do about it what are you gonna do
about it
leadership is not a ranked leadership is
not a position leadership is a decision
leadership is a choice it has nothing to
do with your position in the
organization if you decide to look after
the person to the left of you and look
after the person to the right of you you
have become a leader you’ve seen the
movie 300 right the Spartans the
greatest fighting force of all time you
want to know one of the things that made
the Spartans great wasn’t their muscles
wasn’t their spears it was their shields
they stood shield to shield and the
Phalanx was stronger because they all
those shields were big and they were
told when they were young children you
either bring your shield home or you
come home on your shield the punishment
for losing your shield was tremendous in
battle because if you lost your shield
that means you cannot protect the person
to the left of you and the person to the
right of you and you have destroyed the
Phalanx
it’s the shield that matters not the
spear not the spear
it’s your willingness to sacrifice
yourself not your life maybe your credit
maybe you’re a little time maybe a
little energy
maybe you’re tough you know maybe
getting up from your desk and talking to
somebody for thirty minutes instead of
sending a three-minute email
it’s your willingness to sacrifice for
someone to hold that shield up so that
they feel safe that makes you a leader
and you want to know how you beat a
dopamine addiction if you’re worried
that you’re addicted to performance and
all as dopamine things Alcoholics
Anonymous has been highly effective for
decades 80 something years we all know
the first step of the 12 steps we joke
about it right admit you have a problem
you know the twelfth step don’t say it’s
I’ll tell you what the 12 step is
Alcoholics Anonymous knows that if you
master all 11 steps but not the twelfth
you will drink again if you master the
twelfth step you will beat the disease
what’s the twelfth step the twelfth step
is the commitment to help another
alcoholic service service to another
oxytocine wins sera Tosun went serotonin
wins the more we look after each other
the safer we feel the more we feel like
we belong and the more we will work
together to confront the dangers outside
do this for others and others will become Johnny Bravo thanks very much
who responsible are the leaders and we
also know that parents who come home
stressed out their kids learn that this
is what work is that work is something
that makes you short-tempered and and
and unhappy and so they expect it as
they grow older
worse we know that parents who come home
upset and angry it has such a negative
impact on their children that there’s
some studies that show that they might
actually become bullies because of their
unhappy parents who hate their jobs and
have excessive amounts of stress our our
companies are literally killing us so
what are you gonna do about it what are
gonna do about it
leadership is not a ranked leadership is
not a position leadership is a decision
leadership is a choice it has nothing to
do with your position in the
organization if you decide to look after
the person to the left of you and look
after the person to the right of you you
have become a leader you’ve seen the
movie 300 right the Spartans the
greatest fighting force of all time you
want to know one of the things that made
the Spartans great wasn’t their muscles
wasn’t their spears it was their shields
they stood shield to shield and the
Phalanx was stronger because they all
those shields were big and they were
told when they were young children you
either bring your shield home or you
come home on your shield
the punishment for for losing your
shield was tremendous in battle because
if you lost your shield that means you
cannot protect the person to the left of
you and the person to the right of you
and you have destroyed the Phalanx it’s
the shield that matters not the spear
not the spear
it’s your willingness to sacrifice
yourself not your life maybe your credit
maybe you’re a little time maybe a
little energy maybe your time you know
maybe getting up from your desk and
talking to somebody for 30 minutes
instead of sending a three-minute email
it’s your willingness to sacrifice for
someone to hold that shield up so that
and you want to know how you beat a
dopamine addiction if you worried that
you’re addicted to performance and all
as dopamine things Alcoholics Anonymous
has been highly effective for decades 80
something years we all know the first
step of the twelfth steps we joke about
it right admit you have a problem did
you know the twelfth step don’t say it’s
supposed to be synonymous I’ll tell you
what the twelfth step is Alcoholics
Anonymous knows that if you master all
eleven steps but not the twelfth you
will drink again if you master the
twelfth step you will beat the disease
what’s the twelfth step the twelfth step
is the commitment to help another
alcoholic service service to another
oxytocin wins Sara Tosun when serotonin
wins the more we look after each other
the safer we feel the more we feel like
we belong and the more we will work
together to confront the dangers outside
do this for others and others will
become Johnny Bravo so the date is
August 16 2002 and flying over a valley
in Afghanistan are two a-10 warthogs an
a-10 is a heavily armoured low-flying
slow aircraft designed to provide ground
cover for troops on the ground and on
this night it’s a very very cloudy night
the storms in the area and these two
planes hanging up above just waiting in
case anybody down below needs help up
there it’s gorgeous the moon is bright
the thousands of stars in the sky the
clouds look like the snow had just
fallen down below in the valley however
there were 22 Special Forces Special
Operations Forces troops trying to make
their way through the country and they
could feel that something was wrong they
could feel they felt uneasy one of the
pilots up above
callsign Johnny Bravo and yes he stands
like this he could feel their unease
listening to him over the radio so he
decides he was going to go down below
the cloud and just have a look
he tells his wingman hang out up here
I’ll go see what there is and he points
us plane down into the clouds and as
he’s going through the clouds the call
comes over the radio troops in contact
troops in contact is what they say when
they come under effective fire it means
they’re in trouble
so now Johnny Bravo points is playing
straight down the planes getting
thrashed about in the turbulence and
when he comes out below the clouds he’s
less than a thousand feet off the ground
and he’s flying in a valley cliffs on
both sides now this is only 2002 and the
planes were not yet equipped with
ground-hugging radar and worse they were
using old Russian maps that’s all they
had at the time and the site that greets
him is something like he’s never seen
before not in training and not in the
movies he sees tracer fire fire coming
from all sides of the valley pointed
right in the middle of where the
American forces are and so he picks a
point and starts to lay down suppressing
fire and he’s flying and he’s in danger
of hitting the cliff of course he knows
his speed he knows his distance from the
map and he literally counts out loud
well he lays down the suppressing fire
one one thousand two one thousand three
one thousand four one thousand five one
thousand pulls hard on the stick pulls
back up into the cloud comes down around
again one one thousand two one thousand
three one thousand four one thousand
good hits good hits it says over his
radio and again he comes around one one
thousand two one thousand three one
thousand four one thousand five one
thousand he runs out of ammunition fuel
is fine flies back up to the top of the
cloud tells his wingman you need to get
down there his wingman isn’t sure about
the condition so the two of them fly
back down together his wingman lays down
the suppressing fire and Johnny Bravo
counts as they fly three feet apart from
each other wing to wing one one thousand
two one thousand three one thousand four
one thousand five one thousand up and
around again one one thousand two one
thousand three one thousand four one
thousand five one thousand that night
twenty two Americans went home alive
with zero casualties my question is is
where do people like Johnny Bravo come
from who are they who would risk their
lives for others so that made they may
survive I asked Johnny Bravo
I asked him why why would you do it why
would you risk your life’s that others
may survive and he gave me the same
answer that everybody in his position
gives because they would have done it
for me now if you think about it in the
military they give medals to people who
are willing to sacrifice themselves that
others may gain in business we give
bonuses to people who are willing to
sacrifice others so that we may gain we
have it backwards wouldn’t you like to
work in an organization in which you
have the absolute confidence the
absolute knowledge that other people
that you may or may not know who work in
the same organization as you would be
willing to sacrifice themselves so that
you may survive and in and we’re not
talking about giving your life I mean we
don’t even like to give up credit you
know so where do people like Johnny
Bravo come from well it’s an age-old
question they’re not born they’re
actually made if you look at the human
animal the human animal is like a
machine there are systems inside our
bodies that are trying to get us to do
things that are in the interests of the
survival of the human animal right just
like in an industry in a business and a
company if you want people to do
something you offer them some sort of
positive or negative incentive to direct
the behavior right so if you want people
to achieve a certain goal you offer them
a bonus if they achieve that goal and
they’ll work towards that goal because
they want the bonus it’s a very simple
system the human body works exactly the
same way it works exactly the same way
inside our bodies are chemicals that are
trying to get us to do things that are
in the best interest of us if you’ve
ever had a feeling of happiness pride
joy love fulfillment all of these
feelings that we have are chemically
produced feelings and they’re produced
by four chemicals predominantly these
are the basically responsible for all of
the feelings that I would generically
call happiness they are endorphins
dopamine serotonin and oxytocin and so
these two chemicals endorphins and
dopamine I like to call these the
selfish chemicals but you don’t really
need anybody’s help
to get them right let me tell you let me
tell you a little bit about what they
are
endorphins endorphins are designed to do
one thing and one thing
only masks physical pain that’s it
that’s what they do if you if you’re a
runner if you’ve ever gone and done a
heavy exercise you’ve heard of an
endorphin rush or a runner’s high
basically what’s happening is when that
runners out there pushing their bodies
harder than they’ve ever pushed before
they feel good
and when they’re done with their run
they feel fantastic
and then an hour later they’re in pain
for damage they cause their muscles an
hour before right this is what
endorphins are designed to do they’re
designed to mask physical pain
the caveman reason for this stuff
because this stuff is all from 50,000
years ago understand homo sapien existed
at the same time as other hominid
species and yet we survived and they
didn’t what is it about this species
that’s so good at survival and thriving
look at the world we’ve built it’s not
just that we’re smart we’re certainly
not the strongest we’re certainly not
the smartest it’s that so we’re social
animals we have to do things together
together we have to look after each
other and we have to work together to
ensure that we survive that we do well
this is how we’re designed right these
chemicals are trying to make that happen
so in these caveman times 50,000 years
ago Paleolithic era we had to eat we’re
not the strongest we’re not the fastest
but there’s one thing that the human
animal is made for endurance we could
track an animal for hours and hours and
hours and miles and miles and miles and
if we were tired we’d keep going and if
we got injured or we had to bring the
food back to the cave we’d continue to
do it and it was so good it felt so good
that maybe we’d even volunteer to go
hunting the next day just like we get
addicted to exercise right oh my god it
was so much fun yesterday I will totally
go hunting tomorrow right good system
for the survival of the group good
system by the way the reason laughing
feels good is because of endorphins
you’re actually convulsing your internal
organs and endorphins are masking the
physical pain I’m sure everybody here
has laughed so much that the endorphins
eventually run out you go stop stop
it hurts endorphins they feel good
dopamine dopamine is the feeling that
you found something you’re looking for
or do you accomplish something you set
out to accomplish
so you know that feeling you get when
you cross something
if your to-do list that’s dopamine feels
awesome you know when you when you have
a goal to hit and you achieve that goal
you’re like yes you feel like you’ve won
something right
that’s dopamine the whole purpose of
dopamine is to make sure that we get
stuff done right the the historical
reason for dopamine we would never eat
if we only waited to get until we got
hungry because there’s no guarantee that
we would find food
so dopamine exists to help us go looking
for food we get dopamine when we eat
which is one of the reasons we like
eating and so when you see something
that reminds you of something that feels
good we want to do the behavior that
helps us get that feeling right so let’s
say you’re out there going for a walk
and you see an apple tree in the
distance you get a small hit of dopamine
and then what it does is it focuses us
on our goals and now we start walking
towards the apple tree and has the apple
tree starts to get a little bigger we
feel like we’re making progress you get
another little shot of dopamine and
another little shot of dopamine until
you get to the Train you’re like yes
okay this is why we’re told you must
write down your goals your goals must be
tangible there’s a there’s a biological
reason for that we were very very
visually oriented animals you have to be
able to see the goal for it to
biologically stay focused right if you
don’t write down your goals if you can’t
see your goals it’s very hard to get
motivated to get inspired for example
think about corporate visions right a
corporate vision has have to be
something we can see right that’s why
it’s called a vision you can see it
right to be the biggest most respected
to be the fastest-growing are not
visions they’re nothing right what does
that even look like respected by whom
your mother yourself your friends your
shareholders who knows what’s the metric
dunno it’s Amorphis doesn’t motivate us
just like I can’t tell you you will get
a bonus if you achieve more you’re gonna
ask me how much more I’m gonna say more
doesn’t work you need a tangible goal
you need a tangible goal right here’s a
great vision Martin Luther King I have a
dream that one day little black children
the little white children will play on
the playground together there and hold
hands together we can imagine that we
can set our sights on
and every time we achieve a goal and
achieve a metric and achieve a milestone
that makes us feel like we’re making
progress to the division we can see we
keep going and going and going until we
achieve something remarkable you have to
be able to see it dopamine
like I said dopamine is the feeling you
get when you set out to find something
you’re looking for as well talked about
the to-do list I came home from a trip
just a couple days ago and I had a bunch
of errands to run and I wrote down a
little list of things I had to do and
off I went right and as I was walking
past I think was a dragon I remember I
was walking past something I remembered
oh I have to do that and I hadn’t
written it down on my I hadn’t written
down on my to-do list so I went in and I
finished what I needed to do and then
when I came out I then wrote it on my
to-do list and then crossed it out
dopamine comes with a warning dopamine
is highly highly highly addictive here
are some other things that release
dopamine alcohol nicotine gambling your
cell phone
oh you think I’m joking okay we’ve all
been told that you know if you wake up
in the morning and you crave a drink you
might be an alcoholic well if you wake
up in the morning the first thing you do
is check your phone before you even get
out of bed might be an addict if you
walk from room to room in your own
you might be an addict when you’re
driving in your car and you get a text
and your phone goes beep we we hate
email true we love the beep the buzz the
ding aw right you’ll be there in 10
minutes
and yet you have to look at it right now
you might be an addict and even if you
read it and it says are you free for
dinner next Thursday and you have to
reply immediately you can’t wait the 10
minutes you might be an addict and for
all you Gen Y is out there who like to
think that you’re better at multitasking
beause you grew up with the technology
then why do you keep crashing your cars
when you’re texting you’re not you’re
not better at multitasking you’re better
getting distracted in fact if you look
at the statistics ad D and ADHD have
diagnosis of AD D and ADHD have risen
66% in the past 10 years okay ad D and
ADHD is a frontal lobe disorder right
are you telling me out of nowhere 66% of
our youth has the frontal lobe problem
where did that come from no it’s a
misdiagnosis right what what are the
what are the symptoms of a dopamine
addiction to technology distractibility
inability to get things done easily
easily distracted you know shortness of
attention it’s all the same things so we
misdiagnosed things it’s this it’s the
addictive quality of dopamine we can
also get addicted to performance in our
companies when all they do is give us
numbers to hit numbers to hit numbers to
hit and a bonus you get and a bonus you
get and a bonus you get all they’re
doing is feeding us with dopamine and we
can’t help ourselves all we do is want
more more MORE it’s no surprise that the
bank’s destroyed the economy because one
of the things we know about dopamine
addict is they will do anything to get
another hit sometimes at the sacrifice
of their own resources and their
relationships ask any alcoholic gambling
addict or as drug addict as ask them how
their relationships are doing and if
they’ve squandered any of their
resources it’s an addiction dopamine is
dangerous if it is unbalanced it is
hugely helpful when in a comfortable and
balanced system that when unbalanced
it’s dangerous and its destructive you
don’t need anybody’s help to get these
go for a run achieve your goals you’ll
get dough
I mean you’ll get endorphins but you
won’t have any feeling of fulfillment or
love or trust that’s where these come in
these are attempting to manage these
this is what makes our society great
this is where people like Johnny Bravo
come from it’s because of these two
chemicals that leaders really fulfill
their great responsibilities outside in
the world is danger at all times for
various reasons in caveman times that
danger may have been you know a
saber-toothed tiger it may have been the
weather it may have been a lack of
resources it may have been who knows any
number of things things that with no
conscience are trying to kill you they
want to end your life and so how do we
survive we work together and together we
come together in our groups and our
companies and our tribes to feel like we
belong to be around people who believe
what we believe so that we may feel safe
when we’re surrounded by people who have
our best interests in mind and we feel
safe we will organize ourselves and
cooperate to face the dangers externally
don’t forget the outside dangers are a
constant in a modern world the outside
dangers may be your competition that’s
trying to put you out of business or at
least steal your business it might be
the herbs and flows of the economy it
might be terrorism all of these unknowns
all trying to put you out of business
take away your job take away your
livelihood end it for you nothing
personal it’s a constant inside our
organizations the dangers we face are
not a constant they are a variable and
they are the decisions of leadership as
to how safe they make us feel when we go
to work this is the job of leaders ASA
said it better than I can there’s an
Aesop fable about four oxen that stand
tailed to tail and whenever the lion
tries to eat them no matter what angle
from which he attacks he will always be
met with horns
however due to infighting and
disagreements they separate and they go
and graze in different parts of the
field and one by one the lion picks them
off and kills them all when we stand
together
we can more easily face the dangers
outside when we break up inside our
companies if our leaders don’t allow us
a space to feel safe inside our own
companies to feel like we belong then we
have to we’re forced to exert our own
energy to protect ourselves from each
other and by the way expose ourselves to
greater danger from the outside if you
have to worry about politics if you have
to worry about someone stealing your
credit if you have to worry about your
bus not having your back think about the
energy you invest not in your business
not in the products you’re trying to
develop not in your work not in how
great you’re producing not in your
creativity but in just keeping yourself
feeling safe this is destructive the
responsibilities of leadership is two
things one to determine who gets in and
who doesn’t get in this is what it means
to start with why what are our values
what are our beliefs who can we allow in
second thing is to decide how big this
is how big do we make the circle of
safety how big do we make the circle of
belonging do we keep it around just our
c-level executives and call it an inner
circle and allow others to try and fend
for themselves and maybe try and get
into our inner circle or do we extend it
to the outermost edges of the
organization great leaders extend the
circle of safety the circle of belonging
out to the outermost edges so the most
junior person feels like they belong
feels safe feels like they have top
cover from somebody like Johnny Bravo
that’s what these other two chemicals
are trying to do serotonin is the
leadership chemical is the responsible
for feelings of Pride and status when
you this is why public recognition is
very important we are social animals and
we need the recognition of others this
is why we have the Oscars and this is
why we have public awards events this is
why we have commencement for graduation
I mean think about it what does it
really take to get to graduate college
you need to pay your bills fulfill the
minimum requirements and and collect
enough credits that’s it right it’s a
formula you could get an email that says
congratulations you fulfilled all the
requirements for graduation and closed
please print out the PDF of your diploma
pS magna laude right wouldn’t feel
so good right so instead we have a big
ceremony to recognize the accomplishment
and in the audience we put our family
and our friends and our teachers all of
those in our tribe who’ve supported us
and watched our backs as we’ve made it
through and then we show up on that day
and we go up on that stage and we take
our diploma it feels great
we feel our status rise we feel our
pride go up and by the way when you have
serotonin in your veins your confidence
goes up also and here’s the best part
about serotonin at the exact moment that
you took your diploma and you felt that
surge of serotonin go through your body
at the exact moment you’re parents
sitting in the audience also got a surge
of serotonin and also felt an intense
pride watching you graduate and this is
what serotonin is trying to do it is
trying to reinforce the relationship
between parent and child boss and
employee coach and player the caregiver
and the one who is is gret is grateful
for the support they are given and think
about it
listen to the speeches that we give if
you give an award to somebody what do
they say I couldn’t have done it I thank
God I thank my parents I thank my coach
we thank the person who we believe was
looking out for us we could not have
done this without them we say and they
look at us and they say so proud of you
and we work to make them proud great
teams don’t want to win the trophy great
teams want to win one for the coach they
want to make the coach proud we want to
make our parents proud and it raises our
status and it raises our confidence and
it feels good and we in turn will look
after others so that they may accomplish
the same this is what serotonin is
trying desperately to do the problem is
you can trick serotonin we live in a
materialist society so we judge status
very often in our country based on how
much money you make right so any
conspicuous display of wealth raises
your status this is why they put the
logos on the outside no good on the
inside nobody can see them we want the
red line of ours our prodigal asses how
good
you you own a pair of designer shoes how
good does it feel to put on your Gucci
shoes oh my god it feels so good you
walk out and you feel a million bucks
you can actually feel your confidence
rise when you put on you put on the
stuff right because it’s showing this
display of status it feels great the
problem is there was no real
relationship that was reinforced because
of it
you tricked the system that’s why we
keep trying to accomplish things and
accumulate more and more material goods
and yet we never feel successful because
there was no relationship we tricked it
we gained it serotonin is the leadership
chemical the reason I call it leadership
chemical is a historical reason a very
simple historical reason we had a very
practical problem as our animal was
developing as the Homo Sapien was
developing we lived in communities of
about a hundred and 150 people and
there’s a very practical issue which is
if we’re hungry and somebody brings back
food and drop a carcass on the floor
we’re all gonna rush in to eat and if
you’re lucky enough to be built like a
linebacker
you will elbow your way to the front and
you get the elbow in the face not a good
system to keep the whole tribe alive and
definitely not a good system for
cooperation because remember the value
of group living means that if I trust
you and you trust me I can fall asleep
at night and trust that you will alert
me to danger if I don’t trust you I
can’t go to sleep at night it’s the same
in our companies if we trust each other
we will turn our backs we will take
risks we will innovate we will do things
that will change the course of our world
if I don’t trust you I can’t do that I
can’t do that there’s value in group
living and group working and so if you
got an elbow in the face that afternoon
odds are very high that you’re not gonna
wake the guy who punched you if dangers
there you’re just not gonna do it
bad system and so we evolved into
hierarchical animals we’re constantly
assessing and judging each other
constantly arranging ourselves who’s the
Alpha who’s the dominant who’s the one
who sort of is the is that is the more
dominant personality or dominant talent
in the room in caveman times that might
have been physical muscle in the
creative industry it might be talent in
you know the military it might be
courage
standard by which we judge alphas its
relative to the industries were in and
its relative to us as well if you’ve
ever met someone and you were nervous
while you were meeting them you’re not
the alpha we’ve all had the experience
where we’re meeting somebody and we can
sense that they’re nervous meeting us
you’re the alpha I’ll tell you a little
aside that’s kind of funny
you know when women all live together
their menstrual cycles align right
assuming they’re not on the pill then it
doesn’t work right but if they’re not on
the pill that all the menstrual cycles
go together on the same schedule it’s
not arbitrary
they always align with the alpha females
schedule and the reason is is because
when a woman is in her menstrual cycle
she can’t bear children and so in
evolutionary terms you want the alpha
male male female 2 to do it so you can
have alpha children right nice strong
strapping kids are gonna survive but if
she’s off the market that produces
competition so mother nature has in
created a very clever way that when
she’s off the market everyone’s off the
back to the talk so we’re constantly
judging and assessing each other whose
alpha right and what we do is when we
assess that someone else is the Alpha we
voluntarily take a step back and allow
them to eat first alphas get first
choice of meat and first choice of mate
good system good system the Alpha gets
deep first the rest of us may not get
the best cut of meat but we will get to
eat eventually and we won’t get an elbow
in the face good system will happily
alert them to danger later good system
this is why we’re constantly trying to
raise our status is because there are
benefits to being the Alpha people will
do things for us and step back and offer
us favors right we’re and we to this day
we’re perfectly comfortable giving
special treatment to our alphas no one
has a problem that your boss makes more
money than you you might think he’s an
ass but you don’t have a problem that he
makes more money nobody has a problem
that somebody outranked who outranks us
at work has a bigger office than us
doesn’t offend us it is deeply ingrained
in us we happily step aside and allow
our alphas first choice of meat and
first choice of mate it’s good to be the
king there are advantages that come with
being the Alpha you get special
treatment you get to eat first people
show you love and respect it boosts the
serotonin you walk around like this it
boosts your confidence it’s awesome but
it comes at a cost you see the group is
not stupid we’re not giving all of that
stuff away for free
leadership alpha comes at a cost
you see we expect that when danger
threatens us from the outside that the
person who’s actually stronger the
person who’s better fed and the person
who is actually teeming with serotonin
and actually as higher confidence of the
rest of us
we expect them to run towards the danger
to protect us this is what it means to
be a leader the cost of leadership is
self-interest if you’re not willing to
give up your perks when it matters then
you probably shouldn’t get promoted you
might be an authority but you will not
be a leader leadership comes
cost you don’t get to do less work when
you get more senior you have to do more
work and the more work you have to do is
put yourself at risk to look after
others that is the anthropological
definition of what a leader is this is
why we’re so offended by these banker
boys who pay themselves astronomical
salaries it has nothing to do with the
number it has to do with the fact that
they have violated a deep-seated social
contract we know that they made all of
that money and allowed their people to
be sacrificed in fact they may have
sacrificed their people for the money if
I told you we’re gonna give a hundred
and fifty million dollars to Nelson
Mandela but anyone have a problem with
that nope
two hundred and fifty million dollars to
mother Teresa got an issue with it no
it’s not the number it’s not the amount
of money they make it’s that we are
deeply and viscerally offended that we
know that we allowed them to have this
alpha position and they did not fulfill
their responsibilities of the Alpha
they’re supposed to sacrifice themselves
for us never sacrifice us for themselves
this is why we’re angry and offended and
don’t trust them they fail oh there’s
[Music]
oxytocin this is the best chemical of
all oxytocin is the feeling of love and
trust and friendship it’s all the warm
and fuzzies it’s all the unicorns and
rainbows it’s the reason we like to
spend time with our friends even if we
don’t do anything with them we just sit
and watch TV we love their company I
promise you nearly every single person
sitting in this room today chose the
person they’re sitting next to you’re
not sitting next to a stranger you’re
sitting next to somebody you met came
with or or kind of know a little bit why
because it makes you feel safer doesn’t
it if you got up and went and sat next
to strangers wouldn’t feel so good
that’s the feeling of oxytocin oxytocin
is that intense feeling of safety that
someone’s got your back there are
multiple ways you can get oxytocin one
way to get it is physical contact
hugging feels wonderful right this when
women give birth to children huge surge
of oxytocin in their body this is what’s
responsible for the mother parent that
the mother-child bond right it’s all
that oxytocin in the system this is why
shaking hands matters imagine you’re
doing the deal with someone and you’re
ready to sign the contract and you say
I’m so excited to do business with you
and they go I don’t need to shake let’s
sign the contract I’m also excited to do
business with you you go great well
let’s shake on it then they go no no no
I agree to all the terms let’s get this
deal done I can’t wait to work with you
there you might get everything you want
in the contract but business
relationships are not rational
they’re about feeling safe they’re about
feeling we belong it’s human and one of
the ways we want to know that that
relationship is solidified is with
physical touch they’re simple refusal to
touch you to exchange that oxytocin
means one of two things will happen
you will either completely scuttle the
deal or you will go into it
nervous human bonds matter another way
you can get oxytocin is through acts of
human generosity an act of human
generosity is defined as giving of your
time and energy and expecting nothing in
turn money doesn’t work sorry if I told
you that this morning I gave a thousand
dollars to charity what would you think
of me you’d be like good for you what do
you want a medal but if I told you that
last Saturday I gave up my day and I
went and painted schools in the inner
city then what would you think you’d be
like nice cool I should do more right
the the value of my labour much less
than a thousand dollars could have hired
many more people for a thousand dollars
to go paint schools in the inner city
but you see as human beings we put a
premium on time because it is an equal
commodity and it is a non redeemable
commodity you spend money you make money
you spend time you’ll never get it back
some of you are sitting in this room
right now saying I will never get this
time back
I got nothing for you so we put a
premium on people who give us their time
and energy a leader who says to you I’ll
pay for something for you is not a
leader a leader comes and sits down next
to you and says how can I help you is a
leader I was talking to some oil
executives and they were trying to
convince me that they really care about
how fulfilled and how happy their
employees are at work to which I said no
you don’t and they said no we do and I
said no you know and they said yeah we
do you see how this win and I said I bet
you hired some high-priced consultancy
to come into a web survey about whether
people like their jobs or not and they
said well we didn’t hire a consultancy I
said okay so it’s kind of like sending
your son an email right dear son your
mother and I care that you feel like a
valuable part of this family
please tell us candidly what we can do
better so that you feel like you belong
here because we really love you love dad
or you go into his room you sit on his
bed and you say hey son your mom and I
really care that you feel like a
valuable member of this family
please tell us candidly what we can do
better because we want you to feel like
you belong and we really love you same
words same intention same desire the
difference is one you gave time and
energy and the other one you didn’t this
is the problem with email it’s too easy
it’s too easy
there’s no time and energy expended it’s
too easy don’t feel anything if I come
to your house for dinner you make me a
lovely dinner the next day I send you a
very nice thank-you email what a
wonderful host you are or three days
later you receive a handwritten note
from me with the exact same words that
were written in the email which one
makes you feel better and written note
the sentiment was the same the words
were the same the differences one took a
little more time and a little more
energy leaders are the ones who give us
their time and give us their energy not
the ones who give us their money it
doesn’t count doesn’t work just
biologically doesn’t work this is how
you get oxytocin doing nice things for
people that require that you sacrifice a
little bit of time a little bit of
energy something you will never get back
and if you expect something in return
that you weren’t really giving in the
first place you take someone out for
dinner because you want them to hire you
you’re not really taking them out for it
you want something in return it’s just a
protracted transaction it’s not
relationship building it’s nonsense I
was walking down the streets of New York
true story and guy in front of me his
backpack opened a bunch of paper filled
spilled out on the on the street didn’t
think much of it I bent down carried the
papers up handed them back to him and
pointed out that his bag had opened
I did a small act of generosity for
somebody I got a small burst of oxytocin
I felt good also the person on the
receiving end of the act of generosity
feels good they get a shot of oxytocin
he felt good he says thanks I get to the
end of the block and I’m standing
waiting to cross the street and a guy
who’s also happens to be standing
waiting to cross the street turns around
true story turns around and says to me I
saw what you did back there that was
really cool as it turns out witnessing
acts of human generosity release
oxytocin remember our bodies are trying
to get us to repeat behaviors that are
in our best interest and it’s making us
feel good when we see or do acts of
human generosity so that we will do them
in fact the more oxytocin you have in
your body
the more generous you actually become
you know is the more you do the more you
want to do it gets better than that
lots of oxytocin in your body inhibits
addiction it makes it very difficult to
get addicted to something when you have
lots of oxytocin your body actually hits
addiction it boosts your immune system
it makes you healthier
that’s why happy people live longer it’s
why couples live longer
oxytocin it actually is good for us it
increases our ability to solve problems
it increases our creativity it’s really
good for us and it’s not addictive it
just feels great it takes time to build
up though you know if I I went on a date
with a girl the other day there’s a
first date we totally got along great
we’re gonna get married why are you
laughing that’s my social life
the reason you laugh is because you
inherently know that I cannot form a
bond of trust strong enough to get
married in seven days you know that why
don’t you go on a couple more days but
inherently you know that right but if I
told you that I’ve been dating somebody
for seven years and we’re not married
yet what do you say what’s wrong in
other words we know that that bond of
trust takes more than seven days in less
than seven years don’t know how long it
takes though so when you start a new job
and you’re really excited to work there
and they’re really excited to have you
don’t quite feel like you belong you
don’t quite feel like you’re trusted yet
right even though you were really
excited their leaks it takes time and
you have to do little acts of generosity
and make little sacrifices do little
things for people not big risk small
risks it’s like dating you know you
don’t start by buying them a diamond you
start by taking them for lunch buying
them a drink you know little bits then
they take you out or they you take them
out again you do something a little
bigger then you do that in a movie then
they come over and then you buy them
flowers and then you say I love you and
one day you wake up in the morning it’s
like you press this belief button you
just I I’m in love I don’t know when it
happened you just clicks and you feel
like you belong same thing at work same
thing at work it just clicks and you
feel like you belong because you got
enough oxytocin built up in your system
we don’t allow this to happen we’re too
busy sending emails we’re too busy
sending emails the next time you want to
tell somebody something email is
fantastic for the exchange of
information right it’s fantastic here’s
the report you wanted the meetings at
four o’clock fantastic what did you
think of my idea do not reply on an
email that’s an emotional question email
as a rational tool you get up from your
desk you walk the 30 feet and you say
wanted to tell you what I thought of
your idea and I promise you not only
will that information be better received
but you will start to create
relationship because oxytocin starts to
get released if you can’t get up and
walk 30 feet pick up the telephone I’ve
done it it’s an amazing thing you pick
up the phone you go hey they’re like hey
what’s the matter they’re like no I’m
wanted to tell you what I thought what
and people who tell me but I need a
paper trail have the conversation hang
up and say just to confirm what we
talked about boom there’s your paper
trail the reason we get so many emails
is because we reply to them all and
twelve emails are sent and then somebody
misunderstands something and somebody
gets angry and then you have to pick up
the phone and deal with it anyway – at
the beginning quicker easier better
biology give your time and give your
energy and this is why leadership is
really difficult because you can’t give
it to everyone because you don’t have
enough to get to everyone you just can’t
you have to make sure that you can trust
others to trust others to trust others
to trust others and this is what happens
in the circle of belonging in the circle
of safety this is what effective
bureaucracy is which is as the CEO as
the leader or whatever your job is you
have one responsibility and one
responsibility only which is to make
sure the people you know that you have
physical contact with you know their
names
our confident and feel looked after and
encouraged them to do the same for the
ones who work beneath them who brew neat
work beneath them who work beneath them
and when this group of people really
feel safe then they will invite in the
customer to also feel safe they will
talk to these people as if they are
human I actually flew in an airline
recently and I was I was appalled at how
I was treated it was disgusting I was
like cattle right and I said something I
said why do you treat people like cattle
and she literally said to me I’m sorry
sir I have to do it or I’ll lose my job
what did she tell me my organization
that I work for it doesn’t make me feel
safe I don’t feel like like I belong so
I’m gonna treat you like dirt to protect
myself
as opposed to somebody who feels safest
says sir I will do everything in my
power to make sure that you feel happy
and good because I’m not worried
that’s called a highly effective
organization there’s one more chemical I
haven’t told you about
the Big C cortisol cortisol is the
feeling of stress and the feeling of
anxiety we share these chemicals with
all the social mammals and so when you
see a herd of gizelle you vall seen the
documentary on discovery or whatever
right and see a herd of gazelle grazing
and one of them thinks they hear a
rustle in the grass and they go head
right
that’s what cortisol does cortisol is
designed to keep us alive it is the
first stage of fight-or-flight
it makes us paranoid it makes all of our
senses hyper attuned to look for danger
it injects glucose into our muscles to
make a stiff and ready to go in case we
need to fight or flight it increases our
heart rate like crazy right and it makes
us start looking it makes us paranoid to
find the danger and the cool thing about
cortisol when you work in a social
environment is if other people sense
that you’re nervous they get nervous so
all the other gazelle go they didn’t
hear anything they just saw Steve over
there it really freaked out and so they
got all freaked out and now they all
start looking for the danger good system
and one of them who didn’t even hear the
initial rustle in the grass sees the
lion runs they all run they all live
another day good system so that when we
go to work and somebody says I think
there’s gonna be layoffs all of us are
like what do you mean wait there’s gonna
be we’re all paranoid now we’re all free
I shouldn’t have talked in that meeting
ah we start to get crazy we start to get
paranoid our hearts start to race so
what cortisol does it’s trying to keep
us alive you wake up in the middle of
the night you hear a bump in the middle
of the night huh what’s the first thing
you do you wake the person next to you
and then what do they do they go and if
there’s nothing there you go and trust
your eyes right you go looking for it
we’re visual animals right if there’s
nothing there you go like this cortisol
leaves our body and we relax and our
heartbeat goes back down cortisol to get
all of that extra energy to make us
paranoid to make us self interested it
needs to shut down non-essential system
because it has to get it from somewhere
right so it shuts off things like growth
you don’t need your fingernails to grow
at that moment shuts it off the other
thing it shuts off is our immune system
don’t need it in that moment the problem
is you’re not supposed to have cortisol
in your system all the time you’re
supposed to have it in and then gone and
when we go to work in a place that
doesn’t make us feel like we belong that
doesn’t make us feel safe when we’re at
work guess what we got little bits of
cortisol dripping in our body drip drip
drip drip makes his paranoid drip I know
my boss hates me I know he hates me I
hate he hates all my ideas I know it
drip drip it makes it self-interested
one of the things cortisol does it
inhibits the release of oxytocin
biologically if you work in a
high-stress environment where you don’t
feel safe you were biologically less
empathetic and less generous we don’t
care about each other because we’re too
busy trying to protect ourselves drip
drip drip our immune systems are now
compromised drip drip drip we live in a
country with some of the best medical
education in the world some of the best
medical systems in the world some of the
best doctors in the world some of the
best hospitals in the world some the
best medicines in the world please
explain to me why diabetes is on the
rise heart disease is on the rise some
cancers are on the rise it ain’t hot
partially hydrogenated oils our jobs are
killing us and the people who
responsible are the leaders and we also
know that parents who come home stressed
out their kids learn that this is what
work is that work is something that
makes you short-tempered and and and
unhappy and so they expect it as they
grow older worse we know that parents
who come home upset and angry it has
such a negative impact on their children
that there’s some studies that show that
they might actually become bullies
because of their unhappy parents who
hate their jobs and have excessive
amounts of stress our our companies are
literally killing us so what are you
gonna do about it what are you gonna do
about it
leadership is not a ranked leadership is
not a position leadership is a decision
leadership is a choice it has nothing to
do with your position in the
organization if you decide to look after
the person to the left of you and look
after the person to the right of you you
have become a leader you’ve seen the
movie 300 right the Spartans the
greatest fighting force of all time you
want to know one of the things that made
the Spartans great wasn’t their muscles
wasn’t their spears it was their shields
they stood shield to shield and the
Phalanx was stronger because they all
those shields were big and they were
told when they were young children you
either bring your shield home or you
come home on your shield the punishment
for losing your shield was tremendous in
battle because if you lost your shield
that means you cannot protect the person
to the left of you and the person to the
right of you and you have destroyed the
Phalanx
it’s the shield that matters not the
spear not the spear
it’s your willingness to sacrifice
yourself not your life maybe your credit
maybe you’re a little time maybe a
little energy
maybe you’re tough you know maybe
getting up from your desk and talking to
somebody for thirty minutes instead of
sending a three-minute email
it’s your willingness to sacrifice for
someone to hold that shield up so that
they feel safe that makes you a leader
and you want to know how you beat a
dopamine addiction if you’re worried
that you’re addicted to performance and
all as dopamine things Alcoholics
Anonymous has been highly effective for
decades 80 something years we all know
the first step of the 12 steps we joke
about it right admit you have a problem
you know the twelfth step don’t say it’s
I’ll tell you what the 12 step is
Alcoholics Anonymous knows that if you
master all 11 steps but not the twelfth
you will drink again if you master the
twelfth step you will beat the disease
what’s the twelfth step the twelfth step
is the commitment to help another
alcoholic service service to another
oxytocine wins sera Tosun went serotonin
wins the more we look after each other
the safer we feel the more we feel like
we belong and the more we will work
together to confront the dangers outside
do this for others and others will become Johnny Bravo thanks very much
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