let me tell you how I find myself here
today my pursuit is a personal one that
is not an academic one nor has it ever
been a commercial one my pursuit began a
few years ago when I lost my passion for
what I was doing I ran my own small
business and after a few years of doing
that my passion went away I can’t
explain it I can’t put it any other way
I didn’t enjoy get out of bed anymore
people gave me silly advice like do what
you love I was doing the same thing I
didn’t love it anymore you know follow
your passion yet we all know that but
how do you do that these are not helpful
and so I can I entered what can best be
described as a depression where being
the leader of an organization where
people relied on me for direction and
intent and salaries and everything else
I doubted my capacity for leadership and
the biggest mistake I made that I
learned the hard way is as a leader I
did not have to know all the answers and
if I didn’t I didn’t have to pretend
that I did that was the biggest mistake
that I made I always thought I had to
know the answers and I thought that if I
didn’t I had to pretend that I did and
the more that I pretended that I had all
the answers or the the harder my the
heart of getting out of bed every
morning became to the point where I
became depressed and it was a discovery
that I made that every single
organization on the planet even our own
careers always functions on the same
three levels what we do how we do it why
we do it those three must be in balance
we all know what we do that’s the job we
perform the actions we take our MOS
whatever the functional things you do
what do you do I am a student what do
you do I’m a teacher whatever it is
right some of us know how we do what we
do these are things that we think make
us different or special or stand out
from the crowd the reason we think we
deserve the job or the promotion of the
recognition what makes us better than
everyone else right what what’s your
unique ability but very few of us can
clearly articulate why we do it we do
and by why I don’t mean to make money I
don’t mean to protect the nation those
are results if you do your job well the
nation will be protect
they’re not the reason that we get out
of bed in the morning philosophically
they may be but nobody jumps out of the
bed in the morning during another day to
protect the country it’s just not
happening and so realizing that I didn’t
know my why I became obsessed with it
and I figured out how to find my why and
more importantly I figured out how to
help others find theirs and not
surprisingly as we do when we discover
something beautiful we share it with the
people we love you see a great movie you
tell your friends go see the great movie
you know we do that all the time and so
having restored my passion to levels
that I had never experienced before the
first thing I did was tell what my
friends told my friends about this thing
called why they had to learn there why
and I my friends started making crazy
life changes changing jobs changing
careers feeling the effects that I had
felt their passion restored to levels
they too had never experienced prior
they invited me to their homes to share
with their friends I would literally
show up in someone’s apartment and tell
their friends about this thing that I
had discovered called the Y that’s how
it began and people just kept inviting
me and I just kept saying yes and
somebody I said you should write a book
about it I said okay somebody introduced
me to the God and business publishing a
man by the name of Adrian Zack I’m is
the original publisher from good to
great publishers all have codons books
and so the folklore goes I had a 29
minute meeting with him in three days
later I had a book deal so I don’t know
what it takes to get a book deal because
I didn’t follow with the process and he
sat in a room with an unknown guy I mean
I was total unknown the only thing I had
was my sense of purpose and my idealism
that’s all I had and I sat in his office
for 29 minutes and told him what I
believed not what I did not what made me
qualified but what I believed and the
world that I imagined and he was
inspired enough to take a risk on me
which I’m immensely grateful for and the
more I became a student of this thing
called the why the more it worked and
the more others were interested and I
started to attract people who believe
what I believe who wanted to build a
world that I imagined I imagined a world
in which the vast majority of us wake up
every single day inspired to go to work
and return home at the end of the day
for
by the work that we do that doesn’t mean
that you have to like every day we don’t
like our children every day but we love
them every day right you don’t have to
like your job every day you do get to
love it every day
and those who believed what I believed
as predicted by this magical little
formula called the Golden Circle raised
their hand and said how can we help
build this world and we became
compatriots in this noble pursuit but
another problem emerged sometimes it’s
so attractive and sometimes it’s so
inspiring that so many people show up
and you don’t know who shows up
selflessly and who’s showing up
selfishly and I had a few experiences in
my own life that caught me by surprise
because I kept meeting people who said
all the right things they said they
believed what I believe they said they
wanted to do what I believed and then
help me and when push came to shove when
problems emerged they disappeared I’d
exposed myself made myself vulnerable
shared all of my everything I knew all
the people I knew because I believed it
was the noble pursuit they were joining
me and only to find out they wanted to
take not to give and so now I didn’t
know who to trust and the question is
what happens when you when somebody
violates you trust you completely pull
back do you put the walls up so high
that you don’t let anyone in
simultaneously I’ve been given many
invitations to visit with various
branches the military and spent a lot of
time with the Air Force spent some time
with the Marines and kept meeting people
who believed in sacrifice who believed
in service I’d met people who’d risk
their lives for others and I couldn’t
understand how all of these people that
I was meeting in the military was so
different than the people that I
interacted with in private sector in the
military you give medals to people who
are willing to sacrifice themselves so
that others may gain in business they
give bonuses to people who willing to
sacrifice others so we may gain it’s
backwards and so the best assessment I
could make is they’re just better people
they’re just better human beings and
because they’re better human beings
they’re attracted to this concept of
military service and that’s why you find
a disproportionately high number of
these better people in these
organizations that was my assessment
but I was wrong because I’m not
satisfied with that answer and so I set
out to understand why are they better
what is in their genetic code that makes
these people better
like what breakfast are their parents
eating that would produce these children
and so as is my nature I go backwards
and I went as far back as I could go to
the origins of man Paleolithic 50,000
years ago and what I started to learn
was that it’s not the people it’s not
the people it’s the environment if the
environment is right the natural
inclination of the human being is to
serve and to sacrifice if the
environment is wrong the natural
inclination of the human being is to
protect oneself even at the expense of
others and if you look at the highest
functioning branches of the military if
you look at the highest functioning
organizations in the private sector the
environments in which they have created
sometimes by accident
the environments in which they created
almost identically mimic the
environments that existed in the
Paleolithic era in other words we are
working the way we’re supposed to work
we are not the strongest animals in the
world and we are not the fastest animals
in the world but we are the most
successful animals in the world and the
reason we are so successful is not just
because of our advanced problem-solving
brains sometimes that causes more
problems than it’s worth
right but it’s our ability to cooperate
we are naturally social naturally
cooperative animals with a natural
inclination to trust and cooperate and
when we are put in the environment the
right environment that is exactly what
happens it is not an instruction I can’t
tell you to trust me trust me I know
what I’m doing it doesn’t work that way
you can’t put two people in a room and
say I want you two to cooperate on this
project it’s not an instruction it’s a
feeling and a reaction it’s a result
trust and cooperation our result right
so here’s what I learned in caveman
times the world was filled with danger
right whether it was the weather whether
it was the lack of
sources and food whether it was a
saber-toothed tiger there were all leave
these things out there with no
conscience trying to kill you nothing
personal the only way in which we frail
slow not very strong animals could
confront and survive all of these things
with a predisposition to kill us was to
work together and create cultures to
live in tribes to help each other
there’s a natural and inherent benefit
to group living it means that if I trust
you I can fall asleep at night with the
confidence that if danger shows you will
wake me if I do not trust you I can’t
fall asleep at night it’s exactly the
same in our modern day and age the goal
is to feel safe in the environments in
which we live and work to feel like we
belong the dangers around us and outside
us are a constant they’re never going to
go away and they’re never going to
change the variable are the cultures in
which we live and work that is a
variable and that is then the control
and it’s the responsibility of leaders
in the modern world at the same way in
the private sector dangers may be
defined as the ups and downs of the
economy the uncertainty of the stock
market an emerging technology that
overnight renders your business model
obsolete your competition that may or
may not be trying to kill you but they
definitely are trying to frustrate your
growth and steal your customers in
combat this is obvious in times that are
not combat the the the in peace times
the the the challenges are the same you
know the the warring tribes that are the
Pentagon all fighting for money all
trying to outdo each other the the ups
and downs of some political rhetoric or
you know bad decisions that are made for
all the wrong reasons all these things
that frustrate our growth frustrate our
success nothing personal the only way in
which we survive these dangers and more
importantly seize the opportunities that
exist is when we feel safe amongst the
people with whom we live and work if we
do not feel safe with the people with
whom we live and work we are forced to
invest our own time and our own energy
to protect ourselves from each other
which then inherently makes the entire
organization weaker and exposes us to
the dangers outside a sub as in Aesop’s
fables 5000 BC said it better than I can
he talked about four oxen that stood
tail to tail and no matter from which
angle the lion attacked he was always
met with horns
however due to infighting and
disagreements the oxen decided to
separate and graze in different parts of
the field and one by one the oxen that
lion ate them all when we are when we do
not fear each other we survive very well
when we have to protect ourselves from
each other we don’t do very well at all
so then the question said the question
arises how on earth do we build a circle
of safety how do we do it how do we keep
ourselves a from each other how do we
learn to trust each other especially if
Trust as a result and not something you
can just do as it turns out the human
body works exactly the same way as any
organization we have internal incentive
systems that are working very very hard
to get us to repeat behaviors that are
in our best interest right so if you
think about how any incentive system
works I want you to achieve a goal I’m
gonna tell you what that goal is if you
hit that goal I will give you a bonus
guess what you do what I want you to do
you will achieve the goal that I set my
intent my mission my goal whatever it is
and because there’s certain incentives
and rewards on the other side you will
do them the human body does exactly the
same thing if you’ve ever had a feeling
of happiness joy pride status fulfilment
love friendship any of these feelings
are chemically produced and all of these
feelings that I will generically call
happiness are born out of basically the
four chemicals they are endorphins
dopamine serotonin and oxytocin Ed so
let me go through them really quickly
endorphins the purpose of endorphins is
one thing of one thing only to mask
physical pain that’s it that’s what
endorphins do we all know what an
endorphin rush
or a runner’s high you go out there for
a run you’re pushing your body harder
than you’ve ever pushed your body before
and it feels good and so you keep going
and you keep going and at the end of
your run you still feel awesome those
endorphins are still surging through
your bloodstream and about an hour later
you’re now in pain for damage you caused
to your muscles about an hour before
because the endorphins have now run out
endorphins served a very practical
purpose back in caveman days we’re
neither the strongest animals nor the
fastest animals how are we going to eat
how are we going to get food the human
animal is made for endurance we can
track an animal we can go in a search
for something for hours and hours and
hours and miles and miles and miles and
we will wear out any gazelle on the
planet that’s what we’re made for and
when we’re out there and we’re tired we
don’t give up we feel good and we keep
pushing and maybe if we find food and we
have to carry something heavy back to
the tribe if we were tired we would give
up not a good system for survival and so
it feels good and so we keep going until
we get there a good system for survival
and it feels so good sometimes we crave
that feeling oh my god I had so much fun
hunting yesterday I will volunteer to go
tomorrow good system for survival we
often hear about endorphins for survival
in combat situations but for most of us
back home you know with supermarkets and
cars and whatnot there’s pretty much no
survival need for endorphins whatsoever
and they pretty much the way we get them
is from heavy exercise and exerting our
bodies that’s pretty much it dopamine oh
just a little kick a little side it’s
because of endorphins that laughing
feels good by the way when you laugh
you’re actually convulsing your internal
organs and so to hide that pain the body
makes us feel good we’ve all had the
experience when you laugh so hard you
say stop stop it hurts it’s cause the
endorphins of run out dopamine dopamine
is the feeling you get when you find
something you’re looking for or you
accomplish something you have so you set
out to accomplish right so you know that
feeling you get when you cross something
off your to-do list how good does that
feel
that’s dopamine right when you set out
to achieve one of your goals yes you win
the race yes you cross the finish line
that amazing sense of I have won I have
found it you know that pair of shoes
that you want desperate and you find one
sale yes you go on Google and you you
put the thing in that you’re looking for
it comes up and it feels so good because
you wait for the feeling you wait for
the cling try new search to try new sit
there it is this is why we’re
genetically predisposed to collect stuff
like you don’t need another little
figurine of an elephant right
we like Queens and stamps and cards and
things because we love the feeling of
finding the thing we were looking for
we’re genetically predisposed for the
reason we have dopamine is more
practical than that it’s because if we
only went to look for food and we were
hungry and there was no guarantee that
we would find food not a good system for
survival and so Mother Nature has imbued
us with this wonderful chemical so that
we will go looking for food even when we
don’t need it
you get dopamine when you eat that’s why
we enjoy eating right because we get a
dopamine hit when we eat so to try and
get more of that feeling we will repeat
behavior that gets us the thing that
makes us feel good right so for example
you’re out for a wonder and in the
distance you see a little apple tree
shot a dopamine and what dopamine does
is it makes us focused on our goals
keeps us free from distraction fixated
on the goal we want to get and so we
start walking towards the apple tree
because we want the dopamine and as it
gets a little bigger we can sense that
we’re making progress
that’s what metrics are supposed to do
that they’re supposed to indicate that
we’re making progress towards some other
goal right it’s not the metrics itself
and so we sense that the to see the tree
get a little bigger we can another
little shadow dopamine and it keeps us
even more focused and we get it gets
bigger and another little shot of
dopamine right or the Gazelle we lose
the gazelle we find him again shot a
dopamine keeps us focused on we’re gonna
get the gazelle right and then you
finally get the gazelle you finally get
to the apple tree yes immense sense of
dopamine right it’s like when you’re out
doing a run if you do a long run you you
pass
they put mile markers up for a reason
makes us feel like we’re making progress
each mile marker you pass it makes you
want to keep going and when you can see
the finish line even though you’re
exhausted you run even faster because
you can feel you want the dopamine of
crossing the finish line right this is
why we are told that our goals must be
tangent
we are visual animals we do not get
dopamine without being able to see the
goal or at least imagine it in our minds
eye that’s why we call them vision
statements because you have to be able
to see them vision right so that’s why
we’re told like I said you have to write
down your goals we are no good with
Amorphis goals doesn’t work we’re no
good with the abstract we like specific
things we can see you will get a bonus
if you achieve more how much more more
doesn’t work tell me what I need to do
tell me where I need to get and I’ll do
it
dopamine dopamine won’t fire unless we
see the tree go find something on Google
doesn’t work that way what do you’ll me
to find tell me what you want to look
for and then I can get that sense of
accomplishment right that’s what
dopamine does we are progress machines a
good vision must also be specific
something we can see in our minds eye
most vision statements are useless to be
the biggest to be the most respected to
be the most loved right to serve the
country I don’t even know what that
looks like
respected by whom your mother there’s no
metric for that can’t do it
useless Martin Luther King he had a good
vision I have a dream that one day
little black children and little white
children will hold hands together on the
playground I can see that I can imagine
that that’s the kind of world that
inspires me that I want to live in I
will fixate Mike my target fixate on
that target on that goal and I will do
what I need to do to get closer and
every milestone that we reach that makes
us feel like we’re making progress
inspires us to keep working harder and
harder and harder to get that goal
that’s good vision
that’s good vision dopamine comes with a
warning
however dopamine is highly highly highly
addictive here are some other things
that release dopamine alcohol nicotine
gambling your cell phone right
think about how gambling works we know
what the tree is it’s three sevens
you get three sevens it’s very specific
you get rich good
pull the handle two sevens fuel I’ll
make a meeting progress
pull the handle again one seven it’s
okay still making progress pull handle
missed it this time but I know I even
coming close because I saw it before I
saw a glimpse of the gazelle pull it
again it’s called addiction we get
sucked into it it’s tricking our system
and so we keep going and going and going
and like all addictions we will waste
money we will waste time and we will
destroy relationships that’s what
addiction does to us they say that if
you wake up in the morning and the first
thing you do is crave a drink you might
be an alcoholic if you wake up in the
morning and the first thing you do is
check your phone even before you get out
of bed you might be an addict if you
walk from room to room in your own home
holding your telephone she might be an
addict right thank you yes look at the
doing the demonstration if you’re
driving your car and your phone goes
Bing right you can’t wait 15 minutes to
get to where you’re going you got to
check it right now pull the handle you
might be an addict and even when you do
read it do you want to have dinner next
Thursday and you can’t wait ten minutes
to reply you could reply right now odds
are very high you have an addiction yes
we all hate all the email we get what we
love is the Bing the buzz the flashing
the beep off it feels so good the reason
we send so many texts and emails is
because we want replies in fact when we
don’t get a reply we become unnerved
why haven’t they replied I want to reply
I hate all this email right we want the
current we crave it we’ve become
addicted to it and for all you Gen Y is
out there who like to think that you’re
better at multitasking because you grew
up with all this technology then why do
you keep crashing your cars while you’re
texting the fact of the matter is you’re
not better at multitasking you’re better
being distracted and it is probable that
an entire generation has grown up with
an addiction to dopamine in the form of
social media it’s highly probable and we
see some examples of this the cases of
diagnosed ad
have risen 66% in the past decade okay
now ADHD is a frontal lobe issue you
telling me there’s something in the
water that’s making an entire generation
grew up with a frontal lobe disorder
probably not there are genuine cases of
all these things of course but the
diagnosis of ADHD really looks like an
addiction to a distraction as well
distractibility unable to focus etcetera
etc etc it’s just an addiction we can
also become addicted to performance in
some organizations we where we’re
metrics are king we literally become
addicted to making the numbers getting
the efficiencies driving the numbers
we’re addicted to hitting each goal
hitting each goal hitting each goal
because the rewards we get are all
dopamine literally our organizations
become addicted to making the numbers
and like all addiction it comes at the
expenses time money and relationships
and when relationships break down we
expose ourselves to danger from outside
that’s why we have these two chemicals
these are selfish chemicals you don’t
need anybody’s help to get them go for a
run go through your to-do lists meet
your goals you’ll get feelings of good
and joy and you’re good to go right you
can do it all by yourself these
chemicals are the selfless chemicals you
can’t get them by yourself and you need
other people’s help and it’s these
chemicals that ensure that we trust each
other work together love each other and
cooperate when these chemicals are out
of balance we become addicted to
performance we become addicted to social
media we become addicted to ourselves
when they are in balance we’re committed
to service and looking after each other
and have the confidence that others will
look after us let me tell you about the
first chemical serotonin serotonin is
the leadership chemical it is the
feeling of pride it is the feeling of
status there are many ways you can get
serotonin one way is public recognition
right when you are pointed to and say
our tribe values you that’s all we want
we all want to feel that our tribe
values us that our work our opinions
matter and so when we are called out and
said you’re good
it feels good right that’s why public
displays of these things important you
have a dinner and you say I just like to
call out a couple names if you could
please stand up you’ve done really well
Judy if you could stand up Dave if you
could stand up and you stand up and
somebody reads your name and everybody
was like feels awesome
that’s serotonin you feel your status
rise in the community because you
recognize the community values more and
it inspires you to work harder for the
community that’s what it’s doing right
think about it what do you need to
graduate college pay your bills
accomplish enough you know get collect
enough credits fulfill your minimum
requirements tada
you’ve graduated it’s just a formula
right so technically they could just
send you an email that says
congratulations you’ve graduated college
please enclose find the PDF of your
diploma to print out PS magna laude
wouldn’t feel good right accomplishment
was the same you worked hard wouldn’t
feel good so what we have is a big
ceremony and we fight all of our friends
and our teachers and all of the people
who believed in us and trusted us and
wanted us to do well and sacrifice for
us and we have a big public display
where they recognize our accomplishment
thanks to their support and we walk up
on the stage and that young college
graduate who walks up on the stage at
the exact moment she takes the diploma
she feels the serotonin coursing through
her veins she feels her status rise she
feels her confidence rise she feels good
she feels amazing it feels incredible
and all she wants to do is more but
here’s the best part about serotonin at
the exact same moment that that graduate
grabs her diploma her parents sitting in
the audience also get a surge of
serotonin and they feel proud watching
their child graduate what serotonin is
attempting to do is reinforce the
relationship between parent and child
boss-and-employee coach and player the
one who was giving the care and the one
who is receiving the kapu the care the
supporter and the support it because we
share the serotonin the more proud I
feel of your accomplishment the harder
I’m gonna work to protect you and offer
you education and discipline and an
opportunity so you’ll continue to do
that and what do we do for the people
who care about us we work hard so as not
to let them down because we want to make
them proud we want to prove to them that
their sacrifice was worth it when we get
an award who’s the first person we thank
watch the Oscars what who’s the first
person they think they thank God they
thank their parents or they thanked the
director they thanked whomever they
believed was looking over them and
giving them protection and offering them
support so that they had the strength to
accomplish this remarkable thing I could
not have done it alone is the first
thing they say and if we if we give an
award to the coach the coaches I
couldn’t have done it without this
amazing team and they go
we love you serotonin is trying
desperately to get asked to look after
each other and make each other proud and
feel proud
so we’ll push each other harder and look
after each other I call it the
leadership chemical because it is that
feeling of Pride and status and the
reason it’s the leadership chemical is
again very practical why do we have
leaders it’s all fine and good that we
teach leadership but why do we have
leaders let’s do away with them who
needs them we’re all equal how’s that
let’s try that doesn’t work for very
practical reasons back in those
Paleolithic days we lived in populations
of about a hundred to 150 people we
maxed out about 150 right very practical
problem exists we’re all hungry somebody
brings back a carcass dumps it on the
ground we all rush in to eat if you’re
lucky enough to be built like a
linebacker you will shove your way to
the front of the line if you’re the
artist of the family you will get an
elbow in the face not a good system
because the odds are very high that when
linebackers sleeping
the guy who got an elbow in the face is
not gonna wake him and alert him to
danger bad system not good for the tribe
and so we evolved into hierarchical
animals we are naturally hierarchical
animals where you’re always assessing
each other in terms of alpha and beta
who’s stronger than me who’s dominant
over me who can I dominate we’re always
doing it it’s why guys like to posture
when they meet girls they like to show
how strong they are like to prove how
alpha they’re they wear nice clothes to
demonstrate success right because
everybody wants to date the Alpha right
it’s always about demonstration right
it’s a variable it’s not a constant in
other words the criterion Auto is the
same if you’re a wrestler physical
strength might be the standard if you’re
a musician talent might be the standard
right so you might be an alpha in one
scenario not in another right that’s why
we have insecurities sometimes when
we’re out of our element sometimes we’ve
all had the experience where we’re
meeting somebody and we’re nervous to
meet them you’re not the alpha we’ve all
had the experience where we’re meeting
somebody we can sense that they’re
nervous meeting us you’re the
right the reason we’re hierarchical is
because once we have assessed who our
alphas are we voluntarily step back and
we allow our alpha Steve first alphas
get first choice of meat first choice of
mate there are benefits to being the
king people give you stuff you get stuff
for free you get looked after people
carry your bags they call you sir they
call you ma’am it’s good to be the king
right that’s why we vie for the king
because we get first choice of meat and
mate to this day we are perfectly
comfortable with giving advantages to
those who outrank us in the hierarchy
right not a single person here has a
problem with somebody more senior than
you making more money than you you might
think they’re nice but you’re okay with
the fact that they make more money
nobody has a problem with somebody that
outranks you getting a nicer office
better parking does not offend us at all
in fact we almost expect it can you
imagine if the President of the United
States had to carry his own suitcases
we’d be like what he’s the president we
can’t get somebody who carries back I
right when we admire our alphas we’re
actually very happy to do menial labor
for them check it out carrying the
prison’s bags beam will actually go home
and be like you’ll never believe what I
did today
I carried luggage for the president
right it matters in service to our
leaders we like to serve our leaders
however doesn’t come free it does not
come free
as Lieutenant General Flynn of the
United States Marine Corps Academy grad
told me the cost of leadership is
self-interest and he’s right you see the
group is not stupid
yes we gave our leader the first choice
of meat first choice of mate they’re
better fed than we are
we gave our leader love and adoration
and all the respect we held doors for
them and they feel their status rise and
they use with serotonin we gave that to
them they’re actually also naturally
stronger because we expect that when
danger threatens the tribe the person
who’s actually stronger better fed
animal covenant will rush towards the
danger to protect us that’s the cost of
leadership that’s why we gave you first
choice of meat because you might die
young and we want your genes in the gene
pool we’re not stupid this is the cost
of leadership
it’s your willingness to sacrifice
yourself sacrifice your comfort
sacrifice your perks when it matters for
the good of your people leadership is
not a rank it is a choice it is a
responsibility to offer protection to
those to the left and those to the right
there are some people who have positions
of authority who are not leaders and
there are some positions that have no
formal Authority who have very much
leaders and we naturally will put the
people at the top of the hierarchy who
would be willing to sacrifice for us
this is why it is the law that if you
win the Congressional Medal of Honor a
four-star salutes you because the formal
rank is secondary to your willingness to
sacrifice for others that’s natural this
is why we’re so viscerally offended by
some of the bankers who pay themselves
disproportionately high bonuses and has
nothing to do with the numbers it has
everything to do with their violation of
the deep-seated social contract we have
with each other and with our leaders
because we know that not only were they
okay
watching their people get sacrificed
they could get their big bonus sometimes
they sacrifice their people so they
could get the big bonuses record high
layoffs right that’s what so viscerally
offends us they have actually violated
the deep-seated social contract
very anthropological definition of what
it means to be a leader what if I told
you were gonna have a hundred and fifty
million dollar bonus to Nelson Mandela
anybody got a problem with that no two
hundred and fifty million dollar bonus
bonus to mother Teresa got an issue with
that no it’s not the numbers it’s the
social contract the very definite
definition of leadership is not your
ability to get people to do things it’s
not your ability to get people to do
your bidding the very definition of
leadership is to offer safety and
protection to those in your care so they
feel so safe in the environment which
they live and work that they would
voluntarily offer their blood sweat and
tears to see your intent your vision and
your goals advanced they will volunteer
to do that because they know that you
would do it to them that’s the deal and
oxytocin
oxytocin is the feeling of love
friendship loyalty trust it’s all the
warm and fuzzies it’s all the unicorns
and rainbows right when you sit on it’s
like why it’s fun to hang out with our
friend you can sit on a couch and watch
TV for three hours and never exchange a
word with each other and when they leave
you be like hey thanks for coming at
such a good time you didn’t do anything
you watch TV right it’s the company we
keep with people we love that’s oxytocin
right if that deep-seated bond of love
and trust it’s not it doesn’t happen
overnight you can’t go on one date and
get married it takes time builds up
sometimes it’s quicker sometimes it’s
slower it takes time and effort and it’s
like a dance
vulnerability do things for people pull
back you know the organization doesn’t
for me we do it for the organization my
boss doesn’t for me we do for the boss
my colleagues do for me I did for my
colleagues the other Midshipmen do it
for me I do for them and if then
eventually I mean you know I know from
Paris Island right on the first day that
they get there and all standing on the
yellow footprints right they ain’t think
about anybody else but themselves that’s
it solo me and the first thing there D I
will say to them first word they will
hear yelled at them are from this day on
the words I me my are no longer in your
vocabulary they will be replaced by we
together in us now they’re not listening
but that is what will happen and for the
first two weeks or so of boot camp those
young recruits care about one thing and
one thing only looking good
proving to the DI that I deserve to be
here I’m good enough to be a Marine but
the Marines keep putting them in
situations that they will fail if they
try and do things by themselves here are
steps they are 12 feet apart you have to
climb to the top good luck there’s a
reason it’s called the competence course
it’s because they’re working to build up
their individual confidence the Marines
know that people will not serve the team
will not serve the group until they
believe in their own ability they know
that I mean think about it this only a
finite number of people that exist
personality does exist in the world you
can form your own team here you can
choose here’s option one somebody who
does not believe in their own ability
option two somebody who does believe in
their own ability but thinks they’re
better than everyone else
option three someone who does believe in
their ability but does not think they’re
better than everyone else who do you
want on your team such an obvious
question it’s stupid we want the person
who believes in themselves and doesn’t
think they’re better than everybody else
okay how do you gonna do that you have
to train that you have to train
confidence like parents try and teach
their kids to be confidence we put them
in situations where they can do more
than they thought they could do but they
couldn’t do it without each other
Marines think they’re the best oh my god
they don’t stop talking about but they
don’t think they’re better than other
Marines that’s what makes it work right
that’s what makes it work oxytocin is
that love is that trust that we can eat
that we can rely on each other
there are many ways you can get oxytocin
one is shared adversity shared hardship
think about your best day at work think
about your best day you’ve ever had it’s
not the time where everything went
smoothly came in under budget and
finished on time and you completed the
mission huge success that sounds like it
should be your best day but it’s not
your best days are when everything went
wrong you’re up til three o’clock in the
morning and even though it wasn’t a
success for some reason you have really
fun memories of it it’s because of the
shared adversity and the relationships
you remember nobody wants to go to
combat but people come back from
deployment and they talk about with
fondness
you know they didn’t enjoy it but how
much they appreciated it and it’s the
bonds that they form suicides in the
military you know slight majority of the
suicides in the military are people who
do not get deployed it’s not combat
deployment it’s people who stay home
where all of their friends go and form
the relationships and how they share
diversity they left back by themselves
lonely it makes us feel uneasy right
there’s weird things that start to
happen weren’t these social and most
shared adversity releases oxytocin
another thing that releases oxytocin
human contact the more people love each
other the more they touch each other
right high fives
you know slap an athlete’s slap each
other like we hug the people we love we
hold hand
we give each other oxytocin when we meet
somebody as a sign of respect what we do
shake hands we touch lots of touching
right that’s why you have to hold
children the more you hold children
they’ve done a wonderful study that
children who don’t get touched I think
the numbers 32 times a day are more
likely to grow up to be criminals
that’s because when we have oxytocin in
our butt and our body’s oxytocin gives
us the capacity for empathy oxytocin
gives us the capacity for respect and
love and if you lack those things if you
don’t have opti toes from your system
you’d be kind of Numb and but that it
can you become incredibly incredibly
selfish the more oxytocin we have in our
bodies it also reduces our
susceptibility to to addiction so the
less oxytocin you have the more
addictive personality you have it’s love
it’s trust here’s another way you get
oxytocin acts of kindness backs of human
generosity an act of human generosity is
defined as giving of your time and
energy with no expectation of anything
in return money doesn’t work if I told
you that on my way here before I came
here I went online and I gave 500
dollars to charity what would you think
of me he’d be like good for you right
but if I told you that last Saturday I
gave up half a day and I went to paintin
schools in the inner-city then would you
think of me
you think nice cool I should do more
right we as human animals put a premium
on those who are willing to spend a non
redeemable commodity
time energy right we’ve all sat in
meetings or watched movies and thought
to ourselves I will never get this time
back some of you are sitting right here
right now going I will never get this
time back I got nothing for you I got
nothing for you right money you can make
back time and energy you do not and so
we as human animals that are constantly
looking to see and learn if we can trust
people if they’re willing to give to us
we’ll give more trust to those who were
willing to give their non redeemable
goal run non-renewable commodity to us
this is why email doesn’t work right if
I come to your house for dinner you make
me a lovely dinner the next day I send
you a wonderful email thank you sir what
an amazing host you are or three days
later you receive a hen written note for
me with the exact same words which one
makes you feel
handwritten note same words same
intention same in same desire the
difference is you know it took me a
little more time and a little more
energy for the note and it makes you
feel better
email doesn’t work it’s too easy email
is great for the exchange of information
email is great what time’s the meeting
four o’clock who is the PowerPoint you
asked for here it is it is terrible to
tell people what you think of their
ideas it is terrible to tell them what
your ideas are it is terrible to
criticize people it is terrible to
compliment people these are emotional
things these are trust-building
mechanisms and they do not work an email
get up and walk over and tell them call
them hey I got you emails you want to
tell you what I thought of your idea
sure you know it’s why eyeball
leadership matters it’s why the senior
officer who goes to the frontlines
simply to say hi to everybody hey thanks
for your doing hey nice to meet you hey
how are you the reason it matters is
because everybody on the front lines
know that that person is really really
busy and has better things to do in
their mind and that they would get on a
plane travel for nine and a half hours
expose themselves to physical danger and
walk around simply to say hi to us means
they care huge impact in how we feel
about ourselves and the organization
with the knowledge that our leaders
would sacrifice their time and energy
for us I was walking down the streets of
New York and person in front of me their
backpack opened and a bunch of paper
spilled out I didn’t think much of it I
bent down gathered up the papers hand
them back pointed out that his bag had
opened up I did a small act of
generosity I got a small burst of
oxytocin it felt good felt nice the
person on the receiving end of the
generosity also gets a burst of oxytocin
thank you he said he felt good it’s nice
when somebody does something nice for us
Thanks
right both get a burst of oxytocin right
get to the end of the block true story
get to the end of the block I’m standing
waiting to cross the street and a guy
standing in front of me turns around and
says I saw what you did back there
that was really cool as it turns out
simply witnessing an act of generosity
releases oxytocin the human body is
trying desperately to get us to look
after each other and so it rewards us
with these immense feelings of
positivity and fulfillment and joy when
we do nice things for each other when
others do nice things for us and when we
witness others doing things because the
more oxytocin we have in our systems the
more generous we become the more
empathetic we become the healthier we
are oxytocin actually boosts your immune
system people in relationships live
longer than single people happy people
live longer than than unhappy people
right
it actually makes us better problem
solvers it opens up our brains
biologically I’m talking real biology
here right the more oxytocin you have in
your system the better you are at
problem-solving in other words a team of
people who care about each other can
much better solve a difficult problem
than teams of people who don’t care
about each other this is the power of
this stuff the human body is trying so
hard to get us to look after each other
you want to be a leader you have a
choice you can stab your way up to the
knives and someone’s back and achieve
Authority and you will enjoy all the
perks afford it to you and in times of
stress no one will come to your aid
people will do as you say because they
think they’re required to but they will
not give you their all they will give
you the minimum because they don’t trust
you or you could be willing to sacrifice
your own comfort your own perks when it
matters so that others may gain and you
will earn their trust their loyalty and
their love if someone is struggling with
their with their studying and you are
also studying what is the choice you
make do you get up from your desk and
you work with them until the wee hours
of the morning until they get it maybe
even sacrificing your ability to study
and maybe sacrificing your own grade
that has significant implications in
your career it absolutely will if you
don’t make the grade that’ll hurt but
those are the steps it takes to become a
leader leadership is a choice that’s all
it is that’s all it is
the more you offer
this to others the more they offer it
again you’ve heard the stories you’ve
met the people you meet people who have
sacrificed themselves that others may
gain they risk their lives Dakota Meyer
who won the Congressional Medal of Honor
the president asked him did you think
you were going to die to which he
replies the president no sir I knew I
was gonna die nobody runs into combat
forgotten country it just doesn’t exist
they do it for the person to the left of
them and they do for the person to the
right of them and they do it and if you
ask anybody who did these things why did
you do it they all say the same thing
because they would have done it for me
that’s called leadership the shootings
that just had in Kenya in the mall there
was a photographer inside the mall and
captured the scene which we never get to
see we usually see the aftermath and
there’s one photograph which I want you
to look up and if you can print it out
and hang it on your wall inside your
room go to New York Times calm and just
look up the photograph of the kid you
the the photographs on the Kenya
shooting from the terrorist attack and
there is a photograph that haunts me and
inspires me every time I see it
it is a mother lying on top of her child
okay so at the sound of gunfire the
sound of danger it is the instinct no
pros and cons Wade no thought to what
may happen to her it is the instinct of
the mother to throw herself on top of
her child that is a picture of
leadership that is the personification
of leadership if you want to know what
it takes to be leader look at that
picture every single morning and think
to yourself would I without even
thinking about it throw myself on top of
my people intellectually we all think we
would throw ourselves on top of the
grenade right but that’s not a question
of whether you think you would or
wouldn’t when the grenade is thrown the
question is to others believe
when it was thrown and the question is
on a daily basis do I believe that you
would do that because if I don’t my
guard goes up I will protect myself from
you if I do my guard goes down and I
will do whatever it takes to see that
your vision and your intent is followed
and I will do so with pride and I want
to make you proud because of the sacrifice you gave to me
today my pursuit is a personal one that
is not an academic one nor has it ever
been a commercial one my pursuit began a
few years ago when I lost my passion for
what I was doing I ran my own small
business and after a few years of doing
that my passion went away I can’t
explain it I can’t put it any other way
I didn’t enjoy get out of bed anymore
people gave me silly advice like do what
you love I was doing the same thing I
didn’t love it anymore you know follow
your passion yet we all know that but
how do you do that these are not helpful
and so I can I entered what can best be
described as a depression where being
the leader of an organization where
people relied on me for direction and
intent and salaries and everything else
I doubted my capacity for leadership and
the biggest mistake I made that I
learned the hard way is as a leader I
did not have to know all the answers and
if I didn’t I didn’t have to pretend
that I did that was the biggest mistake
that I made I always thought I had to
know the answers and I thought that if I
didn’t I had to pretend that I did and
the more that I pretended that I had all
the answers or the the harder my the
heart of getting out of bed every
morning became to the point where I
became depressed and it was a discovery
that I made that every single
organization on the planet even our own
careers always functions on the same
three levels what we do how we do it why
we do it those three must be in balance
we all know what we do that’s the job we
perform the actions we take our MOS
whatever the functional things you do
what do you do I am a student what do
you do I’m a teacher whatever it is
right some of us know how we do what we
do these are things that we think make
us different or special or stand out
from the crowd the reason we think we
deserve the job or the promotion of the
recognition what makes us better than
everyone else right what what’s your
unique ability but very few of us can
clearly articulate why we do it we do
and by why I don’t mean to make money I
don’t mean to protect the nation those
are results if you do your job well the
nation will be protect
they’re not the reason that we get out
of bed in the morning philosophically
they may be but nobody jumps out of the
bed in the morning during another day to
protect the country it’s just not
happening and so realizing that I didn’t
know my why I became obsessed with it
and I figured out how to find my why and
more importantly I figured out how to
help others find theirs and not
surprisingly as we do when we discover
something beautiful we share it with the
people we love you see a great movie you
tell your friends go see the great movie
you know we do that all the time and so
having restored my passion to levels
that I had never experienced before the
first thing I did was tell what my
friends told my friends about this thing
called why they had to learn there why
and I my friends started making crazy
life changes changing jobs changing
careers feeling the effects that I had
felt their passion restored to levels
they too had never experienced prior
they invited me to their homes to share
with their friends I would literally
show up in someone’s apartment and tell
their friends about this thing that I
had discovered called the Y that’s how
it began and people just kept inviting
me and I just kept saying yes and
somebody I said you should write a book
about it I said okay somebody introduced
me to the God and business publishing a
man by the name of Adrian Zack I’m is
the original publisher from good to
great publishers all have codons books
and so the folklore goes I had a 29
minute meeting with him in three days
later I had a book deal so I don’t know
what it takes to get a book deal because
I didn’t follow with the process and he
sat in a room with an unknown guy I mean
I was total unknown the only thing I had
was my sense of purpose and my idealism
that’s all I had and I sat in his office
for 29 minutes and told him what I
believed not what I did not what made me
qualified but what I believed and the
world that I imagined and he was
inspired enough to take a risk on me
which I’m immensely grateful for and the
more I became a student of this thing
called the why the more it worked and
the more others were interested and I
started to attract people who believe
what I believe who wanted to build a
world that I imagined I imagined a world
in which the vast majority of us wake up
every single day inspired to go to work
and return home at the end of the day
for
by the work that we do that doesn’t mean
that you have to like every day we don’t
like our children every day but we love
them every day right you don’t have to
like your job every day you do get to
love it every day
and those who believed what I believed
as predicted by this magical little
formula called the Golden Circle raised
their hand and said how can we help
build this world and we became
compatriots in this noble pursuit but
another problem emerged sometimes it’s
so attractive and sometimes it’s so
inspiring that so many people show up
and you don’t know who shows up
selflessly and who’s showing up
selfishly and I had a few experiences in
my own life that caught me by surprise
because I kept meeting people who said
all the right things they said they
believed what I believe they said they
wanted to do what I believed and then
help me and when push came to shove when
problems emerged they disappeared I’d
exposed myself made myself vulnerable
shared all of my everything I knew all
the people I knew because I believed it
was the noble pursuit they were joining
me and only to find out they wanted to
take not to give and so now I didn’t
know who to trust and the question is
what happens when you when somebody
violates you trust you completely pull
back do you put the walls up so high
that you don’t let anyone in
simultaneously I’ve been given many
invitations to visit with various
branches the military and spent a lot of
time with the Air Force spent some time
with the Marines and kept meeting people
who believed in sacrifice who believed
in service I’d met people who’d risk
their lives for others and I couldn’t
understand how all of these people that
I was meeting in the military was so
different than the people that I
interacted with in private sector in the
military you give medals to people who
are willing to sacrifice themselves so
that others may gain in business they
give bonuses to people who willing to
sacrifice others so we may gain it’s
backwards and so the best assessment I
could make is they’re just better people
they’re just better human beings and
because they’re better human beings
they’re attracted to this concept of
military service and that’s why you find
a disproportionately high number of
these better people in these
organizations that was my assessment
but I was wrong because I’m not
satisfied with that answer and so I set
out to understand why are they better
what is in their genetic code that makes
these people better
like what breakfast are their parents
eating that would produce these children
and so as is my nature I go backwards
and I went as far back as I could go to
the origins of man Paleolithic 50,000
years ago and what I started to learn
was that it’s not the people it’s not
the people it’s the environment if the
environment is right the natural
inclination of the human being is to
serve and to sacrifice if the
environment is wrong the natural
inclination of the human being is to
protect oneself even at the expense of
others and if you look at the highest
functioning branches of the military if
you look at the highest functioning
organizations in the private sector the
environments in which they have created
sometimes by accident
the environments in which they created
almost identically mimic the
environments that existed in the
Paleolithic era in other words we are
working the way we’re supposed to work
we are not the strongest animals in the
world and we are not the fastest animals
in the world but we are the most
successful animals in the world and the
reason we are so successful is not just
because of our advanced problem-solving
brains sometimes that causes more
problems than it’s worth
right but it’s our ability to cooperate
we are naturally social naturally
cooperative animals with a natural
inclination to trust and cooperate and
when we are put in the environment the
right environment that is exactly what
happens it is not an instruction I can’t
tell you to trust me trust me I know
what I’m doing it doesn’t work that way
you can’t put two people in a room and
say I want you two to cooperate on this
project it’s not an instruction it’s a
feeling and a reaction it’s a result
trust and cooperation our result right
so here’s what I learned in caveman
times the world was filled with danger
right whether it was the weather whether
it was the lack of
sources and food whether it was a
saber-toothed tiger there were all leave
these things out there with no
conscience trying to kill you nothing
personal the only way in which we frail
slow not very strong animals could
confront and survive all of these things
with a predisposition to kill us was to
work together and create cultures to
live in tribes to help each other
there’s a natural and inherent benefit
to group living it means that if I trust
you I can fall asleep at night with the
confidence that if danger shows you will
wake me if I do not trust you I can’t
fall asleep at night it’s exactly the
same in our modern day and age the goal
is to feel safe in the environments in
which we live and work to feel like we
belong the dangers around us and outside
us are a constant they’re never going to
go away and they’re never going to
change the variable are the cultures in
which we live and work that is a
variable and that is then the control
and it’s the responsibility of leaders
in the modern world at the same way in
the private sector dangers may be
defined as the ups and downs of the
economy the uncertainty of the stock
market an emerging technology that
overnight renders your business model
obsolete your competition that may or
may not be trying to kill you but they
definitely are trying to frustrate your
growth and steal your customers in
combat this is obvious in times that are
not combat the the the in peace times
the the the challenges are the same you
know the the warring tribes that are the
Pentagon all fighting for money all
trying to outdo each other the the ups
and downs of some political rhetoric or
you know bad decisions that are made for
all the wrong reasons all these things
that frustrate our growth frustrate our
success nothing personal the only way in
which we survive these dangers and more
importantly seize the opportunities that
exist is when we feel safe amongst the
people with whom we live and work if we
do not feel safe with the people with
whom we live and work we are forced to
invest our own time and our own energy
to protect ourselves from each other
which then inherently makes the entire
organization weaker and exposes us to
the dangers outside a sub as in Aesop’s
fables 5000 BC said it better than I can
he talked about four oxen that stood
tail to tail and no matter from which
angle the lion attacked he was always
met with horns
however due to infighting and
disagreements the oxen decided to
separate and graze in different parts of
the field and one by one the oxen that
lion ate them all when we are when we do
not fear each other we survive very well
when we have to protect ourselves from
each other we don’t do very well at all
so then the question said the question
arises how on earth do we build a circle
of safety how do we do it how do we keep
ourselves a from each other how do we
learn to trust each other especially if
Trust as a result and not something you
can just do as it turns out the human
body works exactly the same way as any
organization we have internal incentive
systems that are working very very hard
to get us to repeat behaviors that are
in our best interest right so if you
think about how any incentive system
works I want you to achieve a goal I’m
gonna tell you what that goal is if you
hit that goal I will give you a bonus
guess what you do what I want you to do
you will achieve the goal that I set my
intent my mission my goal whatever it is
and because there’s certain incentives
and rewards on the other side you will
do them the human body does exactly the
same thing if you’ve ever had a feeling
of happiness joy pride status fulfilment
love friendship any of these feelings
are chemically produced and all of these
feelings that I will generically call
happiness are born out of basically the
four chemicals they are endorphins
dopamine serotonin and oxytocin Ed so
let me go through them really quickly
endorphins the purpose of endorphins is
one thing of one thing only to mask
physical pain that’s it that’s what
endorphins do we all know what an
endorphin rush
or a runner’s high you go out there for
a run you’re pushing your body harder
than you’ve ever pushed your body before
and it feels good and so you keep going
and you keep going and at the end of
your run you still feel awesome those
endorphins are still surging through
your bloodstream and about an hour later
you’re now in pain for damage you caused
to your muscles about an hour before
because the endorphins have now run out
endorphins served a very practical
purpose back in caveman days we’re
neither the strongest animals nor the
fastest animals how are we going to eat
how are we going to get food the human
animal is made for endurance we can
track an animal we can go in a search
for something for hours and hours and
hours and miles and miles and miles and
we will wear out any gazelle on the
planet that’s what we’re made for and
when we’re out there and we’re tired we
don’t give up we feel good and we keep
pushing and maybe if we find food and we
have to carry something heavy back to
the tribe if we were tired we would give
up not a good system for survival and so
it feels good and so we keep going until
we get there a good system for survival
and it feels so good sometimes we crave
that feeling oh my god I had so much fun
hunting yesterday I will volunteer to go
tomorrow good system for survival we
often hear about endorphins for survival
in combat situations but for most of us
back home you know with supermarkets and
cars and whatnot there’s pretty much no
survival need for endorphins whatsoever
and they pretty much the way we get them
is from heavy exercise and exerting our
bodies that’s pretty much it dopamine oh
just a little kick a little side it’s
because of endorphins that laughing
feels good by the way when you laugh
you’re actually convulsing your internal
organs and so to hide that pain the body
makes us feel good we’ve all had the
experience when you laugh so hard you
say stop stop it hurts it’s cause the
endorphins of run out dopamine dopamine
is the feeling you get when you find
something you’re looking for or you
accomplish something you have so you set
out to accomplish right so you know that
feeling you get when you cross something
off your to-do list how good does that
feel
that’s dopamine right when you set out
to achieve one of your goals yes you win
the race yes you cross the finish line
that amazing sense of I have won I have
found it you know that pair of shoes
that you want desperate and you find one
sale yes you go on Google and you you
put the thing in that you’re looking for
it comes up and it feels so good because
you wait for the feeling you wait for
the cling try new search to try new sit
there it is this is why we’re
genetically predisposed to collect stuff
like you don’t need another little
figurine of an elephant right
we like Queens and stamps and cards and
things because we love the feeling of
finding the thing we were looking for
we’re genetically predisposed for the
reason we have dopamine is more
practical than that it’s because if we
only went to look for food and we were
hungry and there was no guarantee that
we would find food not a good system for
survival and so Mother Nature has imbued
us with this wonderful chemical so that
we will go looking for food even when we
don’t need it
you get dopamine when you eat that’s why
we enjoy eating right because we get a
dopamine hit when we eat so to try and
get more of that feeling we will repeat
behavior that gets us the thing that
makes us feel good right so for example
you’re out for a wonder and in the
distance you see a little apple tree
shot a dopamine and what dopamine does
is it makes us focused on our goals
keeps us free from distraction fixated
on the goal we want to get and so we
start walking towards the apple tree
because we want the dopamine and as it
gets a little bigger we can sense that
we’re making progress
that’s what metrics are supposed to do
that they’re supposed to indicate that
we’re making progress towards some other
goal right it’s not the metrics itself
and so we sense that the to see the tree
get a little bigger we can another
little shadow dopamine and it keeps us
even more focused and we get it gets
bigger and another little shot of
dopamine right or the Gazelle we lose
the gazelle we find him again shot a
dopamine keeps us focused on we’re gonna
get the gazelle right and then you
finally get the gazelle you finally get
to the apple tree yes immense sense of
dopamine right it’s like when you’re out
doing a run if you do a long run you you
pass
they put mile markers up for a reason
makes us feel like we’re making progress
each mile marker you pass it makes you
want to keep going and when you can see
the finish line even though you’re
exhausted you run even faster because
you can feel you want the dopamine of
crossing the finish line right this is
why we are told that our goals must be
tangent
we are visual animals we do not get
dopamine without being able to see the
goal or at least imagine it in our minds
eye that’s why we call them vision
statements because you have to be able
to see them vision right so that’s why
we’re told like I said you have to write
down your goals we are no good with
Amorphis goals doesn’t work we’re no
good with the abstract we like specific
things we can see you will get a bonus
if you achieve more how much more more
doesn’t work tell me what I need to do
tell me where I need to get and I’ll do
it
dopamine dopamine won’t fire unless we
see the tree go find something on Google
doesn’t work that way what do you’ll me
to find tell me what you want to look
for and then I can get that sense of
accomplishment right that’s what
dopamine does we are progress machines a
good vision must also be specific
something we can see in our minds eye
most vision statements are useless to be
the biggest to be the most respected to
be the most loved right to serve the
country I don’t even know what that
looks like
respected by whom your mother there’s no
metric for that can’t do it
useless Martin Luther King he had a good
vision I have a dream that one day
little black children and little white
children will hold hands together on the
playground I can see that I can imagine
that that’s the kind of world that
inspires me that I want to live in I
will fixate Mike my target fixate on
that target on that goal and I will do
what I need to do to get closer and
every milestone that we reach that makes
us feel like we’re making progress
inspires us to keep working harder and
harder and harder to get that goal
that’s good vision
that’s good vision dopamine comes with a
warning
however dopamine is highly highly highly
addictive here are some other things
that release dopamine alcohol nicotine
gambling your cell phone right
think about how gambling works we know
what the tree is it’s three sevens
you get three sevens it’s very specific
you get rich good
pull the handle two sevens fuel I’ll
make a meeting progress
pull the handle again one seven it’s
okay still making progress pull handle
missed it this time but I know I even
coming close because I saw it before I
saw a glimpse of the gazelle pull it
again it’s called addiction we get
sucked into it it’s tricking our system
and so we keep going and going and going
and like all addictions we will waste
money we will waste time and we will
destroy relationships that’s what
addiction does to us they say that if
you wake up in the morning and the first
thing you do is crave a drink you might
be an alcoholic if you wake up in the
morning and the first thing you do is
check your phone even before you get out
of bed you might be an addict if you
walk from room to room in your own home
holding your telephone she might be an
addict right thank you yes look at the
doing the demonstration if you’re
driving your car and your phone goes
Bing right you can’t wait 15 minutes to
get to where you’re going you got to
check it right now pull the handle you
might be an addict and even when you do
read it do you want to have dinner next
Thursday and you can’t wait ten minutes
to reply you could reply right now odds
are very high you have an addiction yes
we all hate all the email we get what we
love is the Bing the buzz the flashing
the beep off it feels so good the reason
we send so many texts and emails is
because we want replies in fact when we
don’t get a reply we become unnerved
why haven’t they replied I want to reply
I hate all this email right we want the
current we crave it we’ve become
addicted to it and for all you Gen Y is
out there who like to think that you’re
better at multitasking because you grew
up with all this technology then why do
you keep crashing your cars while you’re
texting the fact of the matter is you’re
not better at multitasking you’re better
being distracted and it is probable that
an entire generation has grown up with
an addiction to dopamine in the form of
social media it’s highly probable and we
see some examples of this the cases of
diagnosed ad
have risen 66% in the past decade okay
now ADHD is a frontal lobe issue you
telling me there’s something in the
water that’s making an entire generation
grew up with a frontal lobe disorder
probably not there are genuine cases of
all these things of course but the
diagnosis of ADHD really looks like an
addiction to a distraction as well
distractibility unable to focus etcetera
etc etc it’s just an addiction we can
also become addicted to performance in
some organizations we where we’re
metrics are king we literally become
addicted to making the numbers getting
the efficiencies driving the numbers
we’re addicted to hitting each goal
hitting each goal hitting each goal
because the rewards we get are all
dopamine literally our organizations
become addicted to making the numbers
and like all addiction it comes at the
expenses time money and relationships
and when relationships break down we
expose ourselves to danger from outside
that’s why we have these two chemicals
these are selfish chemicals you don’t
need anybody’s help to get them go for a
run go through your to-do lists meet
your goals you’ll get feelings of good
and joy and you’re good to go right you
can do it all by yourself these
chemicals are the selfless chemicals you
can’t get them by yourself and you need
other people’s help and it’s these
chemicals that ensure that we trust each
other work together love each other and
cooperate when these chemicals are out
of balance we become addicted to
performance we become addicted to social
media we become addicted to ourselves
when they are in balance we’re committed
to service and looking after each other
and have the confidence that others will
look after us let me tell you about the
first chemical serotonin serotonin is
the leadership chemical it is the
feeling of pride it is the feeling of
status there are many ways you can get
serotonin one way is public recognition
right when you are pointed to and say
our tribe values you that’s all we want
we all want to feel that our tribe
values us that our work our opinions
matter and so when we are called out and
said you’re good
it feels good right that’s why public
displays of these things important you
have a dinner and you say I just like to
call out a couple names if you could
please stand up you’ve done really well
Judy if you could stand up Dave if you
could stand up and you stand up and
somebody reads your name and everybody
was like feels awesome
that’s serotonin you feel your status
rise in the community because you
recognize the community values more and
it inspires you to work harder for the
community that’s what it’s doing right
think about it what do you need to
graduate college pay your bills
accomplish enough you know get collect
enough credits fulfill your minimum
requirements tada
you’ve graduated it’s just a formula
right so technically they could just
send you an email that says
congratulations you’ve graduated college
please enclose find the PDF of your
diploma to print out PS magna laude
wouldn’t feel good right accomplishment
was the same you worked hard wouldn’t
feel good so what we have is a big
ceremony and we fight all of our friends
and our teachers and all of the people
who believed in us and trusted us and
wanted us to do well and sacrifice for
us and we have a big public display
where they recognize our accomplishment
thanks to their support and we walk up
on the stage and that young college
graduate who walks up on the stage at
the exact moment she takes the diploma
she feels the serotonin coursing through
her veins she feels her status rise she
feels her confidence rise she feels good
she feels amazing it feels incredible
and all she wants to do is more but
here’s the best part about serotonin at
the exact same moment that that graduate
grabs her diploma her parents sitting in
the audience also get a surge of
serotonin and they feel proud watching
their child graduate what serotonin is
attempting to do is reinforce the
relationship between parent and child
boss-and-employee coach and player the
one who was giving the care and the one
who is receiving the kapu the care the
supporter and the support it because we
share the serotonin the more proud I
feel of your accomplishment the harder
I’m gonna work to protect you and offer
you education and discipline and an
opportunity so you’ll continue to do
that and what do we do for the people
who care about us we work hard so as not
to let them down because we want to make
them proud we want to prove to them that
their sacrifice was worth it when we get
an award who’s the first person we thank
watch the Oscars what who’s the first
person they think they thank God they
thank their parents or they thanked the
director they thanked whomever they
believed was looking over them and
giving them protection and offering them
support so that they had the strength to
accomplish this remarkable thing I could
not have done it alone is the first
thing they say and if we if we give an
award to the coach the coaches I
couldn’t have done it without this
amazing team and they go
we love you serotonin is trying
desperately to get asked to look after
each other and make each other proud and
feel proud
so we’ll push each other harder and look
after each other I call it the
leadership chemical because it is that
feeling of Pride and status and the
reason it’s the leadership chemical is
again very practical why do we have
leaders it’s all fine and good that we
teach leadership but why do we have
leaders let’s do away with them who
needs them we’re all equal how’s that
let’s try that doesn’t work for very
practical reasons back in those
Paleolithic days we lived in populations
of about a hundred to 150 people we
maxed out about 150 right very practical
problem exists we’re all hungry somebody
brings back a carcass dumps it on the
ground we all rush in to eat if you’re
lucky enough to be built like a
linebacker you will shove your way to
the front of the line if you’re the
artist of the family you will get an
elbow in the face not a good system
because the odds are very high that when
linebackers sleeping
the guy who got an elbow in the face is
not gonna wake him and alert him to
danger bad system not good for the tribe
and so we evolved into hierarchical
animals we are naturally hierarchical
animals where you’re always assessing
each other in terms of alpha and beta
who’s stronger than me who’s dominant
over me who can I dominate we’re always
doing it it’s why guys like to posture
when they meet girls they like to show
how strong they are like to prove how
alpha they’re they wear nice clothes to
demonstrate success right because
everybody wants to date the Alpha right
it’s always about demonstration right
it’s a variable it’s not a constant in
other words the criterion Auto is the
same if you’re a wrestler physical
strength might be the standard if you’re
a musician talent might be the standard
right so you might be an alpha in one
scenario not in another right that’s why
we have insecurities sometimes when
we’re out of our element sometimes we’ve
all had the experience where we’re
meeting somebody and we’re nervous to
meet them you’re not the alpha we’ve all
had the experience where we’re meeting
somebody we can sense that they’re
nervous meeting us you’re the
right the reason we’re hierarchical is
because once we have assessed who our
alphas are we voluntarily step back and
we allow our alpha Steve first alphas
get first choice of meat first choice of
mate there are benefits to being the
king people give you stuff you get stuff
for free you get looked after people
carry your bags they call you sir they
call you ma’am it’s good to be the king
right that’s why we vie for the king
because we get first choice of meat and
mate to this day we are perfectly
comfortable with giving advantages to
those who outrank us in the hierarchy
right not a single person here has a
problem with somebody more senior than
you making more money than you you might
think they’re nice but you’re okay with
the fact that they make more money
nobody has a problem with somebody that
outranks you getting a nicer office
better parking does not offend us at all
in fact we almost expect it can you
imagine if the President of the United
States had to carry his own suitcases
we’d be like what he’s the president we
can’t get somebody who carries back I
right when we admire our alphas we’re
actually very happy to do menial labor
for them check it out carrying the
prison’s bags beam will actually go home
and be like you’ll never believe what I
did today
I carried luggage for the president
right it matters in service to our
leaders we like to serve our leaders
however doesn’t come free it does not
come free
as Lieutenant General Flynn of the
United States Marine Corps Academy grad
told me the cost of leadership is
self-interest and he’s right you see the
group is not stupid
yes we gave our leader the first choice
of meat first choice of mate they’re
better fed than we are
we gave our leader love and adoration
and all the respect we held doors for
them and they feel their status rise and
they use with serotonin we gave that to
them they’re actually also naturally
stronger because we expect that when
danger threatens the tribe the person
who’s actually stronger better fed
animal covenant will rush towards the
danger to protect us that’s the cost of
leadership that’s why we gave you first
choice of meat because you might die
young and we want your genes in the gene
pool we’re not stupid this is the cost
of leadership
it’s your willingness to sacrifice
yourself sacrifice your comfort
sacrifice your perks when it matters for
the good of your people leadership is
not a rank it is a choice it is a
responsibility to offer protection to
those to the left and those to the right
there are some people who have positions
of authority who are not leaders and
there are some positions that have no
formal Authority who have very much
leaders and we naturally will put the
people at the top of the hierarchy who
would be willing to sacrifice for us
this is why it is the law that if you
win the Congressional Medal of Honor a
four-star salutes you because the formal
rank is secondary to your willingness to
sacrifice for others that’s natural this
is why we’re so viscerally offended by
some of the bankers who pay themselves
disproportionately high bonuses and has
nothing to do with the numbers it has
everything to do with their violation of
the deep-seated social contract we have
with each other and with our leaders
because we know that not only were they
okay
watching their people get sacrificed
they could get their big bonus sometimes
they sacrifice their people so they
could get the big bonuses record high
layoffs right that’s what so viscerally
offends us they have actually violated
the deep-seated social contract
very anthropological definition of what
it means to be a leader what if I told
you were gonna have a hundred and fifty
million dollar bonus to Nelson Mandela
anybody got a problem with that no two
hundred and fifty million dollar bonus
bonus to mother Teresa got an issue with
that no it’s not the numbers it’s the
social contract the very definite
definition of leadership is not your
ability to get people to do things it’s
not your ability to get people to do
your bidding the very definition of
leadership is to offer safety and
protection to those in your care so they
feel so safe in the environment which
they live and work that they would
voluntarily offer their blood sweat and
tears to see your intent your vision and
your goals advanced they will volunteer
to do that because they know that you
would do it to them that’s the deal and
oxytocin
oxytocin is the feeling of love
friendship loyalty trust it’s all the
warm and fuzzies it’s all the unicorns
and rainbows right when you sit on it’s
like why it’s fun to hang out with our
friend you can sit on a couch and watch
TV for three hours and never exchange a
word with each other and when they leave
you be like hey thanks for coming at
such a good time you didn’t do anything
you watch TV right it’s the company we
keep with people we love that’s oxytocin
right if that deep-seated bond of love
and trust it’s not it doesn’t happen
overnight you can’t go on one date and
get married it takes time builds up
sometimes it’s quicker sometimes it’s
slower it takes time and effort and it’s
like a dance
vulnerability do things for people pull
back you know the organization doesn’t
for me we do it for the organization my
boss doesn’t for me we do for the boss
my colleagues do for me I did for my
colleagues the other Midshipmen do it
for me I do for them and if then
eventually I mean you know I know from
Paris Island right on the first day that
they get there and all standing on the
yellow footprints right they ain’t think
about anybody else but themselves that’s
it solo me and the first thing there D I
will say to them first word they will
hear yelled at them are from this day on
the words I me my are no longer in your
vocabulary they will be replaced by we
together in us now they’re not listening
but that is what will happen and for the
first two weeks or so of boot camp those
young recruits care about one thing and
one thing only looking good
proving to the DI that I deserve to be
here I’m good enough to be a Marine but
the Marines keep putting them in
situations that they will fail if they
try and do things by themselves here are
steps they are 12 feet apart you have to
climb to the top good luck there’s a
reason it’s called the competence course
it’s because they’re working to build up
their individual confidence the Marines
know that people will not serve the team
will not serve the group until they
believe in their own ability they know
that I mean think about it this only a
finite number of people that exist
personality does exist in the world you
can form your own team here you can
choose here’s option one somebody who
does not believe in their own ability
option two somebody who does believe in
their own ability but thinks they’re
better than everyone else
option three someone who does believe in
their ability but does not think they’re
better than everyone else who do you
want on your team such an obvious
question it’s stupid we want the person
who believes in themselves and doesn’t
think they’re better than everybody else
okay how do you gonna do that you have
to train that you have to train
confidence like parents try and teach
their kids to be confidence we put them
in situations where they can do more
than they thought they could do but they
couldn’t do it without each other
Marines think they’re the best oh my god
they don’t stop talking about but they
don’t think they’re better than other
Marines that’s what makes it work right
that’s what makes it work oxytocin is
that love is that trust that we can eat
that we can rely on each other
there are many ways you can get oxytocin
one is shared adversity shared hardship
think about your best day at work think
about your best day you’ve ever had it’s
not the time where everything went
smoothly came in under budget and
finished on time and you completed the
mission huge success that sounds like it
should be your best day but it’s not
your best days are when everything went
wrong you’re up til three o’clock in the
morning and even though it wasn’t a
success for some reason you have really
fun memories of it it’s because of the
shared adversity and the relationships
you remember nobody wants to go to
combat but people come back from
deployment and they talk about with
fondness
you know they didn’t enjoy it but how
much they appreciated it and it’s the
bonds that they form suicides in the
military you know slight majority of the
suicides in the military are people who
do not get deployed it’s not combat
deployment it’s people who stay home
where all of their friends go and form
the relationships and how they share
diversity they left back by themselves
lonely it makes us feel uneasy right
there’s weird things that start to
happen weren’t these social and most
shared adversity releases oxytocin
another thing that releases oxytocin
human contact the more people love each
other the more they touch each other
right high fives
you know slap an athlete’s slap each
other like we hug the people we love we
hold hand
we give each other oxytocin when we meet
somebody as a sign of respect what we do
shake hands we touch lots of touching
right that’s why you have to hold
children the more you hold children
they’ve done a wonderful study that
children who don’t get touched I think
the numbers 32 times a day are more
likely to grow up to be criminals
that’s because when we have oxytocin in
our butt and our body’s oxytocin gives
us the capacity for empathy oxytocin
gives us the capacity for respect and
love and if you lack those things if you
don’t have opti toes from your system
you’d be kind of Numb and but that it
can you become incredibly incredibly
selfish the more oxytocin we have in our
bodies it also reduces our
susceptibility to to addiction so the
less oxytocin you have the more
addictive personality you have it’s love
it’s trust here’s another way you get
oxytocin acts of kindness backs of human
generosity an act of human generosity is
defined as giving of your time and
energy with no expectation of anything
in return money doesn’t work if I told
you that on my way here before I came
here I went online and I gave 500
dollars to charity what would you think
of me he’d be like good for you right
but if I told you that last Saturday I
gave up half a day and I went to paintin
schools in the inner-city then would you
think of me
you think nice cool I should do more
right we as human animals put a premium
on those who are willing to spend a non
redeemable commodity
time energy right we’ve all sat in
meetings or watched movies and thought
to ourselves I will never get this time
back some of you are sitting right here
right now going I will never get this
time back I got nothing for you I got
nothing for you right money you can make
back time and energy you do not and so
we as human animals that are constantly
looking to see and learn if we can trust
people if they’re willing to give to us
we’ll give more trust to those who were
willing to give their non redeemable
goal run non-renewable commodity to us
this is why email doesn’t work right if
I come to your house for dinner you make
me a lovely dinner the next day I send
you a wonderful email thank you sir what
an amazing host you are or three days
later you receive a hen written note for
me with the exact same words which one
makes you feel
handwritten note same words same
intention same in same desire the
difference is you know it took me a
little more time and a little more
energy for the note and it makes you
feel better
email doesn’t work it’s too easy email
is great for the exchange of information
email is great what time’s the meeting
four o’clock who is the PowerPoint you
asked for here it is it is terrible to
tell people what you think of their
ideas it is terrible to tell them what
your ideas are it is terrible to
criticize people it is terrible to
compliment people these are emotional
things these are trust-building
mechanisms and they do not work an email
get up and walk over and tell them call
them hey I got you emails you want to
tell you what I thought of your idea
sure you know it’s why eyeball
leadership matters it’s why the senior
officer who goes to the frontlines
simply to say hi to everybody hey thanks
for your doing hey nice to meet you hey
how are you the reason it matters is
because everybody on the front lines
know that that person is really really
busy and has better things to do in
their mind and that they would get on a
plane travel for nine and a half hours
expose themselves to physical danger and
walk around simply to say hi to us means
they care huge impact in how we feel
about ourselves and the organization
with the knowledge that our leaders
would sacrifice their time and energy
for us I was walking down the streets of
New York and person in front of me their
backpack opened and a bunch of paper
spilled out I didn’t think much of it I
bent down gathered up the papers hand
them back pointed out that his bag had
opened up I did a small act of
generosity I got a small burst of
oxytocin it felt good felt nice the
person on the receiving end of the
generosity also gets a burst of oxytocin
thank you he said he felt good it’s nice
when somebody does something nice for us
Thanks
right both get a burst of oxytocin right
get to the end of the block true story
get to the end of the block I’m standing
waiting to cross the street and a guy
standing in front of me turns around and
says I saw what you did back there
that was really cool as it turns out
simply witnessing an act of generosity
releases oxytocin the human body is
trying desperately to get us to look
after each other and so it rewards us
with these immense feelings of
positivity and fulfillment and joy when
we do nice things for each other when
others do nice things for us and when we
witness others doing things because the
more oxytocin we have in our systems the
more generous we become the more
empathetic we become the healthier we
are oxytocin actually boosts your immune
system people in relationships live
longer than single people happy people
live longer than than unhappy people
right
it actually makes us better problem
solvers it opens up our brains
biologically I’m talking real biology
here right the more oxytocin you have in
your system the better you are at
problem-solving in other words a team of
people who care about each other can
much better solve a difficult problem
than teams of people who don’t care
about each other this is the power of
this stuff the human body is trying so
hard to get us to look after each other
you want to be a leader you have a
choice you can stab your way up to the
knives and someone’s back and achieve
Authority and you will enjoy all the
perks afford it to you and in times of
stress no one will come to your aid
people will do as you say because they
think they’re required to but they will
not give you their all they will give
you the minimum because they don’t trust
you or you could be willing to sacrifice
your own comfort your own perks when it
matters so that others may gain and you
will earn their trust their loyalty and
their love if someone is struggling with
their with their studying and you are
also studying what is the choice you
make do you get up from your desk and
you work with them until the wee hours
of the morning until they get it maybe
even sacrificing your ability to study
and maybe sacrificing your own grade
that has significant implications in
your career it absolutely will if you
don’t make the grade that’ll hurt but
those are the steps it takes to become a
leader leadership is a choice that’s all
it is that’s all it is
the more you offer
this to others the more they offer it
again you’ve heard the stories you’ve
met the people you meet people who have
sacrificed themselves that others may
gain they risk their lives Dakota Meyer
who won the Congressional Medal of Honor
the president asked him did you think
you were going to die to which he
replies the president no sir I knew I
was gonna die nobody runs into combat
forgotten country it just doesn’t exist
they do it for the person to the left of
them and they do for the person to the
right of them and they do it and if you
ask anybody who did these things why did
you do it they all say the same thing
because they would have done it for me
that’s called leadership the shootings
that just had in Kenya in the mall there
was a photographer inside the mall and
captured the scene which we never get to
see we usually see the aftermath and
there’s one photograph which I want you
to look up and if you can print it out
and hang it on your wall inside your
room go to New York Times calm and just
look up the photograph of the kid you
the the photographs on the Kenya
shooting from the terrorist attack and
there is a photograph that haunts me and
inspires me every time I see it
it is a mother lying on top of her child
okay so at the sound of gunfire the
sound of danger it is the instinct no
pros and cons Wade no thought to what
may happen to her it is the instinct of
the mother to throw herself on top of
her child that is a picture of
leadership that is the personification
of leadership if you want to know what
it takes to be leader look at that
picture every single morning and think
to yourself would I without even
thinking about it throw myself on top of
my people intellectually we all think we
would throw ourselves on top of the
grenade right but that’s not a question
of whether you think you would or
wouldn’t when the grenade is thrown the
question is to others believe
when it was thrown and the question is
on a daily basis do I believe that you
would do that because if I don’t my
guard goes up I will protect myself from
you if I do my guard goes down and I
will do whatever it takes to see that
your vision and your intent is followed
and I will do so with pride and I want
to make you proud because of the sacrifice you gave to me
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