August 16 2002 and flying over a valley
in Afghanistan are two a-10 warthogs an
a-10 is a heavily armoured low-flying
slow aircraft designed to provide ground
cover for troops on the ground and on
this night it’s a very very cloudy night
the storms in the area and these two
planes hanging up above just waiting in
case anybody down below needs help up
there it’s gorgeous the moon is bright
the thousands of stars in the sky the
clouds look like the snow had just
fallen down below in the valley however
there were 22 Special Forces Special
Operations Forces troops trying to make
their way through the country and they
could feel that something was wrong that
could feel they felt uneasy one of the
pilots up above callsign Johnny Bravo
and yes he stands like this he could
feel their unease listening to him over
the radio so he decides he was gonna go
down below the cloud and just have a
look he tells his wingmen hang out up
here I’ll go see what there is and he
points his plane down into the clouds
and as he’s going through the clouds the
call comes over the radio troops in
contact
troops in contact is what they say when
they come under effective fire it means
they’re in trouble
so now Johnny Bravo points his plane
straight down the planes getting
thrashed about in the turbulence and
when he comes out below the clouds he’s
less than a thousand feet off the ground
and he’s flying in a valley cliffs on
both sides now this is only 2002 and the
planes were not yet equipped with
ground-hugging radar and worse they were
using old Russian maps that’s all they
had at the time and the site that greets
him is something like he’s never seen
before not in training and not in the
movies he sees tracer fire fire coming
from all sides of the valley pointed
right in the middle where the American
forces are and so he picks a point and
starts to lay down suppressing fire and
he’s flying and he’s in danger of
hitting the cliff of course he knows his
speed he knows
from the map and he literally counts out
loud well he lays down the suppressing
fire one one thousand two one thousand
three one thousand four one thousand
five one thousand pulls hard on the
stick pulls back up into the cloud comes
down around again one one thousand two
one thousand three one thousand four one
thousand good hits good hits it says
over his radio and again he comes around
one one thousand two one thousand three
one thousand four one thousand five one
thousand he runs out of ammunition fuel
is fine flies back up to the top of the
cloud tells his wingman you need to get
down there his wingman isn’t sure about
the conditions so the two of them fly
back down together his wingman lays down
the suppressing fire and johnny bravo
counts as they fly three feet apart from
each other wing to wing one one thousand
two one thousand three one thousand four
one thousand five one thousand up and
around again one one thousand two one
thousand three one thousand four one
thousand five one thousand that night
twenty two Americans went home alive
with zero casualties my question is is
where do people like Johnny Bravo come
from who are they who would risk their
lives for others so that made they may
survive I asked Johnny Bravo I asked him
why why would you do it why would you
risk your life so that others may
survive and he gave me the same answer
that everybody in his position gives
because they would have done it for me
now if you think about it in the
military they give medals to people who
are willing to sacrifice themselves so
that others may gain in business we give
bonuses to people who are willing to
sacrifice others so that we may gain we
have it backwards wouldn’t you like to
work in an organization in which you
have the absolute confidence the
absolute knowledge that other people
that you may or may not know who work in
the same organization as you would be
willing to sacrifice themselves so that
you may survive and in and we’re not
talking about giving your life I mean we
don’t even like to give up credit you
so where do people like Johnny Bravo
come from well it’s an age-old question
they’re not born they’re actually made
if you look at the human animal the
human animal is like a machine
there are systems inside our bodies that
are trying to get us to do things that
are in the interests of the survival of
the human animal right just like in an
industry in a business and a company if
you want people to do something you
offer them some sort of positive or
negative incentive to direct the
behavior right so if you want people to
achieve a certain goal you offer them a
bonus if they achieve that goal and
they’ll work towards that goal because
they want the bonus it’s a very simple
system the human body works exactly the
same way it works exactly the same way
inside our bodies are chemicals that are
trying to get us to do things that are
in the best interest of us if you’ve
ever had a feeling of happiness pride
joy love fulfillment all of these
feelings that we have are chemically
produced feelings and they’re produced
by four chemicals predominantly these
are the basically responsible for all of
the feelings that I would generically
call happiness they are endorphins
dopamine serotonin and oxytocin ed so
these two chemicals endorphins and
dopamine I like to call these the
selfish chemicals but you don’t really
need anybody’s help to get them right
let me tell you let me tell you a little
bit about what they are endorphins
endorphins are designed to do one thing
and one thing only masks physical pain
that’s it that’s what they do if you if
you’re a runner if you’ve ever gone and
done a heavy exercise you’ve heard of an
endorphin rush or a runner’s high
basically what’s happening is when that
runners out there pushing their bodies
harder than they’ve ever pushed before
they feel good and when they’re done
with their run they feel fantastic and
then an hour later they’re in pain for
damage they cause their muscles an hour
before right this is what endorphins are
designed to do they’re designed to mask
physical pain the caveman reason for
this stuff because this stuff is all
from 50,000 years ago
understand homo sapien existed at the
same time as other hominid species and
yet we survived and they didn’t what
about this species that’s so good at
survival and thriving look at the world
we’ve built it’s not just that we’re
smart we’re certainly not the strongest
and we’re certainly not the smartest
it’s that so we’re social animals we
have to do things together together we
have to look after each other and we
have to work together to ensure that we
survive that we do well this is how
we’re designed right these chemicals are
trying to make that happen
so in these caveman times 50,000 years
ago Paleolithic era we had to eat we’re
not the strongest we’re not the fastest
but there’s one thing that the human
animal has made for endurance we could
track an animal for hours and hours and
hours and miles and miles and miles and
if we were tired we’d keep going and if
we got injured or we had to bring the
food back to the cave we’d continue to
do it and it was so good it felt so good
that maybe we’d even volunteer to go
hunting the next day just like we get
addicted to exercise right oh my god it
was so much fun yesterday I will totally
go hunting tomorrow right good system
for the survival of the group good
system by the way the reason laughing
feels good is because of endorphins
you’re actually convulsing your internal
organs and endorphins are masking the
physical pain I’m sure everybody here
has laughed so much that the endorphins
eventually run out you go stop stop
it hurts endorphins they feel good
dopamine dopamine is the feeling that
you found something you’re looking for
or do you accomplish something you set
out to accomplish so you know that
feeling you get when you cross something
off your to-do list
that’s dopamine feels awesome you know
when you when you have a goal to hit and
you achieve that goal you’re like yes
you feel like you’ve won something right
that’s dopamine the whole purpose of
dopamine is to make sure that we get
stuff done right the historical reason
for dopamine we would never eat if we
only waited to get until we got hungry
because there’s no guarantee that we
would find food so dopamine exists to
help us go looking for food we get
dopamine when we eat which is one of the
reasons we like eating and so when you
see something that reminds you of
something that feels good we want to do
the behavior that helps us get that
feeling right so let’s say you’re out
there going for a walk and you see an
apple tree in the distance
he’s get a small head of dopamine and
then what it does is it focuses us on
our goals and now we start walking
towards the apple tree and as the apple
tree starts to get a little bigger we
feel like we’re making progress
you get another little shot of dopamine
and another little shadow dopamine until
you get to the Train you’re like yes
okay this is why we’re told you must
write down your goals your goals must be
tangible there’s a there’s a biological
reason for that we were very very
visually oriented animals you have to be
able to see the goal for it to
biologically stay focused right if you
don’t write down your goals if you can’t
see your goals it’s very hard to get
motivated to get inspired for example
think about corporate visions right a
corporate vision does have to be
something we can see right that’s why
it’s called a vision you can see it
right to be the biggest most respected
to be the fastest-growing are not
visions they’re nothing right what does
that even look like respected by whom
your mother yourself your friends your
shareholders who knows what’s the metric
dunno it’s Amorphis doesn’t motivate us
just like I can’t tell you you will get
a bonus if you achieve more you’re gonna
ask me how much more I’m gonna say more
doesn’t work you need a tangible goal
you need a tangible goal right here’s a
great vision Martin Luther King I have a
dream that one day little black children
the little white children will play on
the playground together and hold hands
together we can imagine that we can set
our sights on that and every time we
achieve a goal and achieve a metric and
achieve a milestone that makes us feel
like we’re making progress to the
division we can see we keep going and
going and going until we achieve
something remarkable you have to be able
to see it dopamine
like I said dopamine is the feeling you
get when you set out to find something
you’re looking for as well talked about
the to-do list I came home from a trip
just a couple days ago and I had a bunch
of errands to run and I wrote down a
little list of things I had to do and
off I went right and as I was walking
past I think was a drag queen I remember
I was walking past something I
remembered oh I have to do that and I
hadn’t written it
my hadn’t written down my to-do list so
I went in and finished what I needed to
do and then when I came out I then wrote
it on my to-do list and then crossed it
out because I wanted the dopamine feels
dopamine comes with a warning dopamine
is highly highly highly addictive here
are some other things that release
dopamine alcohol nicotine gambling your
cell phone
oh you think I’m joking okay we’ve all
been told that you know if you wake up
in the morning and you crave a drink you
might be an alcoholic well if you wake
up in the morning the first thing you do
is check your phone before you even get
out of bed might be an addict
if you walk from room to room in your
own apartment holding your telephone you
might be an addict when you’re driving
in your car and you get a text and your
phone goes beep we we hate email true we
love the beep the buzz the ding aw
right you’ll be there in 10 minutes and
yet you have to look at it right now you
might be an addict and even if you read
it and it says are you free for dinner
next Thursday and you have to reply
immediately you can’t wait to ten
minutes you might be an addict and for
all you Gen Y is out there who like to
think that you’re better at multitasking
beause you grew up with the technology
then why do you keep crashing your cars
when you’re texting you’re not you’re
not better at multitasking you’re better
at getting distracted in fact if you
look at the statistics ad D and ADHD
have diagnosis of AD D and ADHD have
risen 66% in the past ten years okay ad
D and ADHD is a frontal lobe disorder
right are you telling me out of nowhere
66% of our youth has the frontal lobe
problem where did that come from no it’s
a misdiagnosis right what what are the
what are the symptoms of a dopamine
addiction to technology distractibility
inability to get things done easily
easily distracted you know shortness of
attention it’s all the same things so we
misdiagnosed things it’s this it’s the
addictive quality of dopamine we can
also get addicted to performance in our
companies when all they do is give us
numbers to hit numbers to hit numbers to
hit and a bonus you get and a bonus you
get and a bonus you get all they’re
doing is feeding us with dopamine and we
can’t help ourselves all we do is want
more more MORE it’s no surprise that the
bank’s destroyed the economy because one
of the things we know about dopamine
addict is they will do anything to get
another hit sometimes at the sacrifice
of their own resources and their
relationships ask any alcoholic gambling
addict or a drug addict
ask them how their relationships are
doing and if they’ve squandered any of
their resources it’s an addiction
dopamine is dangerous if it is
unbalanced it is hugely helpful when in
a comfortable and balanced system but
when unbalanced it’s dangerous and it’s
destructive you don’t need anybody’s
help to get these go for a run achieve
your goals you’ll get dopamine you’ll
get endorphins but you won’t have any
feeling of fulfillment or love or trust
that’s where these come in these are
attempting to manage these this is what
makes our society great this is where
people like Johnny Bravo come from it’s
because of these two
chemicals that leaders really fulfill
their great responsibilities outside in
the world is danger at all times for
various reasons in caveman times that
danger may have been you know a
saber-toothed tiger it may have been the
weather it may have been a lack of
resources it may have been who knows any
number of things things that with no
conscience
are trying to kill you they want to end
your life and so how do we survive we
work together and together we come
together in our groups and our companies
and our tribes to feel like we belong to
be around people who believe what we
believe so that we may feel safe when
we’re surrounded by people who have our
best interests in mind and we feel safe
we will organize ourselves and cooperate
to face the dangers externally
don’t forget the outside dangers are a
constant in a modern world the outside
dangers may be your competition that’s
trying to put you out of business or at
least steal your business it might be
the ebbs and flows of the economy it
might be terrorism all of these unknowns
all trying to put you out of business
take away your job take away your
livelihood end it for you nothing
personal it’s a constant inside our
organizations the dangers we face are
not a constant they are a variable and
they are the decisions of leadership as
to how safe they make us feel when we go
to work this is the job of leaders ASA
said it better than I can there’s an
Aesop fable about four oxen that stand
tailed to tail and whenever the lion
tries to eat them no matter what angle
from which he attacks he will always be
met with horns
however due to infighting and
disagreements they separate and they go
and graze in different parts of the
field and one by one the lion picks them
off and kills them all when we stand
together we can more easily face the
dangers outside when we break up inside
our companies if our leaders don’t allow
us a space to feel safe inside our own
companies to feel like we belong then we
have to we’re forced to exert our own
energy to protect ourselves from each
other and by the way expose ourselves to
greater danger
the outside if you have to worry about
politics if you have to worry about
someone stealing your credit if you have
to worry about your bus not having your
back think about the energy you invest
not in your business not in the products
you’re trying to develop not in your
work not in how great you’re producing
not in your creativity but in just
keeping yourself feeling safe this is
destructive the responsibility of
leadership is two things one to
determine who gets in and who doesn’t
get in this is what it means to start
with why what are our values what are
our beliefs who can we allow in second
thing is to decide how big this is how
big do we make the circle of safety how
big do we make the circle of belonging
do we keep it around just our c-level
executives and call it an inner circle
and allow others to try and fend for
themselves and maybe try and get into
our inner circle or do we extend it to
the outermost edges of the organization
great leaders extend the circle of
safety the circle of belonging out to
the outermost edges so the most junior
person feels like they belong feels safe
feels like they have top cover from
somebody like Johnny Bravo
that’s what these other two chemicals
are trying to do serotonin is the
leadership chemical is the responsible
for feelings of pride and status when
you this is why public recognition is
very important we are social animals and
we need the recognition of others this
is why we have the Oscars and this is
why we have public awards events this is
why we have commencement for graduation
I mean think about it what does it
really take to get to graduate college
you need to pay your bills fulfill the
minimum requirements and and collect
enough credits that’s it
right it’s a formula you could get an
email that says congratulations you
fulfilled all the requirements for
graduation and closed please print out
the PDF of your diploma PS magna
laude right wouldn’t feel so good right
so instead we have a big ceremony to
recognize the accomplishment and in the
audience we put our family and our
friends and our teachers all of those in
our tribe who’ve supported us and
watched our backs as we’ve made it
through
and then we show up on that day and we
go up on that stage and we take our
diploma it feels great
we feel our status rise we feel our
pride go up and by the way when you have
serotonin in your veins your confidence
goes up also and here’s the best part
about serotonin at the exact moment that
you took your diploma and you felt that
surge of serotonin go through your body
at the exact moment you’re parents
sitting in the audience also got a surge
of serotonin and also felt an intense
pride watching you graduate and this is
what serotonin is trying to do it is
trying to reinforce the relationship
between parent and child boss and
employee
coach and player the caregiver and the
one who is Greta is grateful for the
support they are given and think about
it Linda the speeches that we give if
you give an award to somebody what do
they say I couldn’t have done it I thank
God I thank my parents I thank my coach
we thank the person who we believed was
looking out for us we could not have
done this without them we say and they
look at us and they say so proud of you
and we work to make them proud great
teams don’t want to win the trophy great
teams want to win one for the coach they
want to make the coach proud we want to
make our parents proud and it raises our
status and it raises our confidence and
it feels good and we internal will look
after others so that they may accomplish
the same this is what serotonin is
trying desperately to do the problem is
you can trick serotonin we live in a
materialist society so we judge status
very often in our country based on how
much money you make right so any
conspicuous display of wealth raises
your status this is why they put the
logos on the outside no good on the
inside nobody can see them we want the
red line of our our pirata glasses how
good you you own a pair of designer
shoes how good does it feel to put on
your Gucci shoes oh my god it feels so
good you walk out and you feel a million
bucks you can actually feel your
confidence rise when you put on you put
on the stuff right because it’s showing
this display of status it feels great
the problem is there was no real
relationship that was reinforced because
of it you tricked the system that’s why
we keep trying
to accomplish things and accumulate more
and more material goods and yet we never
feel successful because there was no
relationship we tricked it we gained it
serotonin is the leadership chemical the
reason I call it the leadership chemical
is a historical reason a very simple
historical reason we had a very
practical problem as our animal was
developing as the Homo Sapien was
developing we lived in communities of
about a hundred and a hundred and fifty
people and is very practical issue which
is if we’re hungry and somebody brings
back food and drop a carcass on the
floor we’re all gonna rush in to eat and
if you’re lucky enough to be built like
a linebacker
you will elbow your way to the front and
you get the elbow in the face not a good
system to keep the whole tribe alive and
definitely not a good system for
cooperation because remember the value
of group living means that if I trust
you and you trust me I can fall asleep
at night and trust that you will alert
me to danger if I don’t trust you I
can’t go to sleep at night it’s the same
in our companies if we trust each other
we will turn our backs we will take
risks we will innovate we will do things
that will change the course of our world
if I don’t trust you I can’t do that I
can’t do that there’s value in group
living and group working and so if you
got an elbow in the face that afternoon
odds are very high that you’re not gonna
wake the guy who punched you if dangers
there you’re just not gonna do it
bad system and so we evolved into
hierarchical animals we’re constantly
assessing and judging each other
constantly arranging ourselves who’s the
Alpha who’s the dominant who’s the one
who sort of is the is that is the more
dominant personality or dominant talent
in the room in cavemen times it might
have been physical muscle in the
creative industry it might be talent in
you know the military might be courage
there’s no standard by which we judge
alphas it’s relative to the industries
were in and it’s relative to us as well
if you’ve ever met someone and you were
nervous while you were meeting them
you’re not the alpha we’ve all had the
experience where we’re meeting somebody
and we can sense that they’re nervous
meeting us you’re the alpha
I’ll tell you a little aside that’s kind
of funny you know when women all live
together their menstrual cycles align
right as assuming they’re not on the
pill then it doesn’t work right but if
they’re not on the pill that all the
menstrual cycles go together on the same
schedule it’s not arbitrary they always
align with the alpha females schedule
and the reason is is because when a
woman is in her menstrual cycle she
can’t bear children and so in
evolutionary terms you want the alpha
male the alpha female to to do it so you
can have alpha children right nice
strong strapping kids are gonna survive
but if she’s off the market that
produces competition so mother nature
has in created a very clever way that
when she’s off the market everyone’s off
the market back to the talk so we’re
constantly judging and assessing each
other who’s alpha right and what we do
is when we assess that someone else is
the Alpha we voluntarily take a step
back and allow them to eat first alphas
get first choice of meat and first
choice of mate good system good system
the Alpha gets deep first the rest of us
may not get the best cut of meat but we
will get to eat eventually and we won’t
get an elbow in the face good system
will happily alert them to danger later
good system this is why we’re constantly
trying to raise our status is because
there are benefits to being the Alpha
people will do things for us and step
back and offer us favors right we were
and we to this day we’re perfectly
comfortable giving special treatment to
our alphas no one has a problem that
your boss makes more money than you you
might think he’s an ass but you don’t
have a problem that he makes more money
nobody has a problem that somebody
outranked who outranks us at work has a
bigger office than us doesn’t offend us
it is deeply ingrained in us we happily
step aside and allow our alphas first
choice of meat and first choice of mate
it’s good to be the king there are
advantages that come with being the
Alpha you get special treatment you get
to eat first
people show you love and respect it
boosts the serotonin you walk around
like this it boosts your confidence it’s
awesome but comes at a cost
you see the group is not stupid
we’re not giving all of that stuff away
for free
leadership alpha comes at a cost
you see we expect that when danger
threatens us from the outside that the
person who’s actually stronger the
person who’s better fed and the person
who is actually teeming with serotonin
and actually as higher confidence of the
rest of us we expect them to run towards
the danger to protect us this is what it
means to be a leader the cost of
leadership is self-interest if you’re
not willing to give up your perks when
it matters then you probably shouldn’t
get promoted you might be an authority
but you will not be a leader leadership
comes at a cost you don’t get to do less
work when you get more senior you have
to do more work and the more work you
have to do is put yourself at risk to
look after others that is the
anthropological definition of what a
leader is this is why we’re so offended
by these banker boys who pay themselves
astronomical salaries it has nothing to
do with the number it has to do with the
fact that they have violated a
deep-seated social contract we know that
they made all of that money and allowed
their people to be sacrificed in fact
they may have sacrificed their people
for the money if I told you we’re gonna
give a hundred and fifty million dollars
to Nelson Mandela would anyone have a
problem with that nope
two hundred and fifty million dollars to
mother Teresa I’ve got an issue with it
no it’s not the number it’s not the
amount of money they make it’s that we
are deeply and viscerally offended that
we know that we allowed them to have
this alpha position and they did not
fulfill their responsibility of the
Alpha they’re supposed to sacrifice
themselves for us never sacrifice us for
themselves this is why we’re angry and
oh there’s more oxytocin this is the
best chemical of all oxytocin is the
feeling of love and trust and friendship
it’s all the warm and fuzzies it’s all
the unicorns and rainbows it’s the
reason we like to spend time with our
friends even if we don’t do anything
with them we just simply watch TV we
love their company I promise you nearly
every single person sitting in this room
today
chose the person they’re sitting next to
you’re not sitting next to a stranger
you’re sitting next to somebody you met
came with or or kind of know a little
bit why because it makes you feel safer
doesn’t it if you got up and went and
sat next to strangers wouldn’t feel so
good that’s the feeling of oxytocin
oxytocin is that intense feeling of
safety that someone’s got your back
there are multiple ways you can get
oxytocin one way to get it is physical
contact
hugging feels wonderful right this when
women give birth to children huge surge
of oxytocin in their body this is what’s
responsible for the mother parent that
the mother-child bond right it’s all
that oxytocin in the system this is why
shaking hands matters
imagine you’re doing a deal with someone
and you’re ready to sign the contract
and you say I’m so excited to do
business with you
and they go I don’t need to shake let’s
sign the contract I’m also excited to do
business with you you go great well
let’s shake on it then they go no no no
I agree to all the terms let’s get this
deal done I can’t wait to work with you
there you might get everything you want
in the contract but business
relationships are not rational
they’re about feeling safe they’re about
feeling we belong it’s human and one of
the ways we want to know that that
relationship is solidified is with
physical touch they’re simple refusal to
touch you to exchange that oxytocin
means one of two things will happen
you will either completely scuttle the
deal or you will go into it nervous
human bonds matter another way you can
get oxytocin is through acts of human
generosity an act of human generosity is
defined as giving of your time and
energy an ex
affecting nothing in return money
doesn’t work sorry if I told you that
this morning I gave $1,000 to charity
what would you think of me you’d be like
good for you
what do you want a medal but if I told
you that last Saturday I gave up my day
and I went and painted schools in the
inner city then what would you think
you’d be like nice cool I should do more
right the the value of my labor much
less than a thousand dollars could have
hired many more people for a thousand
dollars to go paint schools in the inner
city but you see as human beings we put
a premium on time because it is an equal
commodity and it is a non redeemable
commodity you spend money you make money
you spend time you’ll never get it back
some of you are sitting in this room
right now saying I will never get this
time back I got nothing for you so we
put a premium on people who give us
their time and energy a leader who says
to you I’ll pay for something for you is
not a leader a leader comes and sits
down next to you and says how can I help
you is a leader I was talking to some
oil executives and they were trying to
convince me that they really care about
how fulfilled and how happy their
employees are at work to which I said no
you don’t and they said no we do and I
said no you don’t and they said yeah we
do you see how this win and I said I bet
you hired some high-priced consultancy
to come and do a web survey about
whether people like their jobs or not
and they said well we didn’t hire a
consultancy I said okay so it’s kind of
like sending your son an email all right
dear son your mother and I care that you
feel like a valuable part of this family
please tell us candidly what we can do
better so that you feel like you belong
here because we really love you love dad
or you go into his room you sit on his
bed and you say hey son your mom and I
really care that you feel like a
valuable member of this family
please tell us candidly what we can do
better because we want you to feel like
you belong and we really love you same
words same intention
same desire the difference is one you
gave time and energy and the other one
you didn’t this is the problem with
email it’s too easy it’s too easy
there’s no time and energy expended
it’s too easy don’t feel anything if I
come to your house for dinner you make
me a lovely dinner the next day I send
you a very nice thank-you email what a
wonderful host you are or three days
later you receive a handwritten note
from me with the exact same words that
were written in the email which one
makes you feel better and written note
the sentiment was the same the words
were the same the differences one took a
little more time and a little more
energy leaders are the ones who give us
their time and give us their energy not
the ones who give us their money it
doesn’t count doesn’t work just
biologically doesn’t work this is how
you get oxytocin doing nice things for
people that require that you sacrifice a
little bit of time a little bit of
energy something you will never get back
and if you expect something in return
that you weren’t really giving in the
first place you take someone out for
dinner because you want them to hire you
you’re not really taking them out for
dinner you want something in return it’s
just a protracted transaction it’s not
relationship building it’s nonsense I
was walking down the streets of New York
true story and guy in front of me his
backpack opened a bunch of paper filled
spilled out on the on the street didn’t
think much of it I bent down carried the
papers up handed them back to him and
pointed out that his bag it opened I did
a small act of generosity for somebody I
got a small burst of oxytocin I felt
good also the person on the receiving
end of the act of generosity feels good
they get a shot of oxytocin he felt good
he says thanks I get to the end of the
block and I’m standing waiting to cross
the street and a guy who’s also happens
to be standing waiting to cross the
street turns around true story turns
around and says to me I saw what you did
as it turns out witnessing acts of human
generosity release oxytocin remember our
bodies are trying to get us to repeat
behaviors that are in our best interest
and it’s making us feel good when we see
or do acts of human generosity so that
we will do them in fact the more
oxytocin you have in your body the more
generous you actually become you know is
the more you do the more you want to do
it gets better than that lots of
oxytocin in your body inhibits addiction
it makes it very difficult to get
addicted to something when you have lots
of oxytocin your body actually hits
addiction it boosts your immune system
it makes you healthier
that’s why happy people live longer it’s
why couples live longer
oxytocin it actually is good for us it
increases our ability to solve problems
it increases our creativity it’s really
good for us and it’s not addictive it
just feels great it takes time to build
up though you know if I went on a date
with a girl the other day there’s a
first date we totally got along great
we’re gonna get married
why you laughing that’s my social life
the reason you laugh is because you
inherently know that I cannot form a
bond of trust strong enough to get
married in seven days you know that why
don’t you go on a couple more days but
inherently you know that right but if I
told you that I’ve been dating somebody
for seven years and we’re not married
yet what do you say what’s wrong in
other words we know that that bond of
trust takes more than seven days in less
than seven years don’t know how long it
takes them so when you start a new job
and you’re really excited to work there
and they’re really excited to have you
don’t quite feel like you belong you
don’t quite feel like you’re trusted yet
right even though you were really
excited in their lease it takes time and
you have to do little acts of generosity
and make little sacrifices do little
things for people not big risk small
risks it’s like dating you know you
don’t start by buying them a diamond you
start by taking them for lunch buying
them a drink you know little bits then
they take you out or they you take them
out again you do something a little
bigger than you do that in a movie then
they come over and then you buy them
flowers and then you say I love you and
one day you wake up in the morning it’s
like you press this belief button you
just I I’m in love I don’t know when it
happened
you just clicks and you feel like you
belong same thing at work same thing at
work it just clicks and you feel like
you belong because you got enough
oxytocin built up in your system
we don’t allow this to happen we’re too
busy sending emails we’re too busy
sending emails the next time you want to
tell somebody something email is
fantastic for the exchange of
information right it’s fantastic here’s
the report you wanted the meetings at
four o’clock fantastic what did you
think of my idea do not reply on an
email that’s an emotional question email
as a rational tool you get up from your
desk you walk the 30 feet and you say
wanted to tell you what I thought of
your idea and I promise you not only
will that information be better received
but you will start to create
relationship because oxytocin starts to
get released if you can’t get up and
walk 30 feet pick up the telephone I’ve
done it it’s an amazing thing you pick
up the phone you go hey they’re like hey
what’s the matter they’re like no I’m
wanted to tell you what I thought what
and people who tell me but I need a
paper trail have the conversation hang
up and say just to confirm what we
talked about boom there’s your paper
trail the reason we get so many emails
is because we reply to them all and
twelve emails are sent and then somebody
misunderstands something and somebody
gets angry and then you have to pick up
the phone and deal with it anyway – at
the beginning quicker easier better
biology give your time and give your
energy and this is why leadership is
really difficult because you can’t give
it to everyone because you don’t have
enough to give to everyone you just
can’t you have to make sure that you can
trust others to trust others to trust
others to trust others and this is what
happens in this circle of belonging in
the circle of safety this is what
effective bureaucracy is which is as the
CEO as the leader or whatever your job
is you have one responsibility and one
responsibility only which is to make
sure the people you know that you have
physical contact with you know their
names
our confident feel looked after and
encourage them to do the same for the
ones who work beneath them hoo hoo boo
neat work beneath them who work beneath
them and when this group of people
really feel safe then they will invite
in the customer to also feel safe they
will talk to these people as if they are
human I actually flew in an airline
recently and I it was I was appalled at
how I was treated it was disgusting I
was like cattle right and I said
something I said why do you treat people
like cattle and she literally said to me
I’m sorry sir I have to do it or I’ll
lose my job
what did she tell me my organization
that I work for doesn’t make me feel
safe I don’t feel like a white book like
I belong so I’m gonna treat you like
dirt to protect myself as opposed to
somebody who feels safest says sir I
will do everything in my power to make
sure that you feel happy and good
because I’m not worried
that’s called a highly effective
organization there’s one more chemical I
haven’t told you about
Big C cortisol cortisol is the feeling
of stress and the feeling of anxiety we
share these chemicals with all the
social mammals and so when you see a
herd of gizelle you vol seen the
documentary on discovery or whatever
right and see a herd of gazelle grazing
and one of them thinks they hear a
rustle in the grass and they go hey
right
that’s what cortisol does cortisol is
designed to keep us alive it is the
first stage of fight-or-flight
it makes us paranoid it makes all of our
senses hyper attuned to look for danger
it injects glucose into our muscles to
make a stiff and ready to go in case we
need to fight or flight it increases our
heart rate like crazy right and it makes
us start looking it makes us paranoid to
find the danger and the cool thing about
cortisol when you work in a social
environment is if other people sense
that you’re nervous they get nervous so
all the other gazelle go they didn’t
hear anything they just saw Steve over
there it really freaked out and so they
got all freaked out and now they all
start looking for the danger good system
and one of them who didn’t even hear the
initial rustle in the grass sees the
lion runs they all run they all live
another day good system so that when we
go to work and somebody says I think
there’s gonna be layoffs all of us are
like what do you mean wait it’s gonna be
we’re all paranoid now we’re all free I
shouldn’t have talked in that meeting ah
we start to get crazy we start to get
paranoid our hearts start to race
so what cortisol does it’s trying to
keep us alive you wake up in the middle
of the night you hear a bump in the
middle of the night what’s the first
thing you do you wake the person next to
you and then what do they do they go
and if there’s nothing there you go and
trust your eyes right you go looking for
it we’re visual animals right if there’s
nothing there you go like this cortisol
leaves our body and we relax and our
heart rate goes back down cortisol to
get all of that extra energy to make us
paranoid to make itself interested it
needs to shut down non-essential systems
because it has to get it from somewhere
right so it shuts off things like growth
you don’t need your fingernails to grow
at that moment shuts it off the other
thing it shuts off is our immune system
don’t need it in that moment the problem
is you’re not supposed to have cortisol
in your system all the time you’re
supposed to have it in and then gone and
when we go to work in a place that
doesn’t make us feel like we belong that
doesn’t make us feel safe when we’re at
work guess what we got little bits of
cortisol dripping in our body drip drip
drip drip makes his paranoid drip I know
my boss hates me I know he hates me I
hate he hates all my ideas I know it
drip drip it makes it self-interested
one of the things cortisol does it
inhibits the release of oxytocin
biologically if you work in a
high-stress environment where you don’t
feel safe you were biologically less
empathetic and less generous we don’t
care about each other because we’re too
busy trying to protect ourselves drip
drip drip our immune systems are now
compromised drip drip drip we live in
the country with some of the best
medical education in the world some of
the best medical systems in the world
some of the best doctors in the world
some of the best hospitals in the world
some the best medicines in the world
please explain to me why diabetes is on
the rise heart diseases on their eyes
some cancers are on the rise it ain’t
hot partially hydrogenated oils our jobs
are killing us and the people who
responsible are the leaders and we also
know that parents who come home stressed
out their kids learn that this is what
work is that work is something that
makes you short-tempered and and and
unhappy and so they expect it as they
grow older worse we know that parents
who come home upset and angry it has
such a negative impact on their children
that there’s some studies that show that
they might
become bullies because of their unhappy
parents who hate their jobs and have
excessive amounts of stress our
companies are literally killing us so
what are you gonna do about it we’re
gonna do about it
leadership is not a rank leadership is
not a position leadership is a decision
leadership is a choice it has nothing to
do with your position in the
organization if you decide to look after
the person to the left of you and look
after the person to the right of you you
have become a leader you’ve seen the
movie 300 right the Spartans the
greatest fighting force of all time you
want to know one of the things that made
the Spartans great wasn’t their muscles
wasn’t their spears it was their shields
they stood shield to shield and the
Phalanx was stronger because they all
those shields were big and they were
told when they were young children you
either bring your shield home or you
come home on your shield the punishment
for for losing your shield was
tremendous in battle because if you lost
your shield that means you cannot
protect the person to the left of you
and the person to the right of you and
you have destroyed the Phalanx it’s the
shield that matters not the spear not
the spear it’s your willingness to
sacrifice yourself not your life maybe
your credit maybe your a little time
maybe a little energy maybe your time
you know maybe getting up from your desk
and talking to somebody for 30 minutes
and said of sending a three-minute email
it’s your willingness to sacrifice for
someone to hold that shield up so that
they feel safe that makes you a leader
and you want to know how you beat a
dopamine addiction if you worried that
you’re addicted to performance and all
this dopamine things Alcoholics
Anonymous has been highly effective for
decades 80 something years we all know
the first step of the 12 steps we joke
about it right admit you have a problem
did you know the twelfth step don’t say
I’ll tell you what the twelfth step is
Alcoholics Anonymous knows that if you
master all eleven steps but not the
twelfth you will drink again if you
master the twelfth step you will beat
the disease
what’s the twelfth step the twelfth step
is the commitment to help another
alcoholic service service to another
oxytocin wins Sara Tosun went serotonin
wins the more we look after each other
the safer we feel the more we feel like
we belong and the more we will work
together to confront the dangers outside
do this for others and others will become Johnny Bravo thanks very much
in Afghanistan are two a-10 warthogs an
a-10 is a heavily armoured low-flying
slow aircraft designed to provide ground
cover for troops on the ground and on
this night it’s a very very cloudy night
the storms in the area and these two
planes hanging up above just waiting in
case anybody down below needs help up
there it’s gorgeous the moon is bright
the thousands of stars in the sky the
clouds look like the snow had just
fallen down below in the valley however
there were 22 Special Forces Special
Operations Forces troops trying to make
their way through the country and they
could feel that something was wrong that
could feel they felt uneasy one of the
pilots up above callsign Johnny Bravo
and yes he stands like this he could
feel their unease listening to him over
the radio so he decides he was gonna go
down below the cloud and just have a
look he tells his wingmen hang out up
here I’ll go see what there is and he
points his plane down into the clouds
and as he’s going through the clouds the
call comes over the radio troops in
contact
troops in contact is what they say when
they come under effective fire it means
they’re in trouble
so now Johnny Bravo points his plane
straight down the planes getting
thrashed about in the turbulence and
when he comes out below the clouds he’s
less than a thousand feet off the ground
and he’s flying in a valley cliffs on
both sides now this is only 2002 and the
planes were not yet equipped with
ground-hugging radar and worse they were
using old Russian maps that’s all they
had at the time and the site that greets
him is something like he’s never seen
before not in training and not in the
movies he sees tracer fire fire coming
from all sides of the valley pointed
right in the middle where the American
forces are and so he picks a point and
starts to lay down suppressing fire and
he’s flying and he’s in danger of
hitting the cliff of course he knows his
speed he knows
from the map and he literally counts out
loud well he lays down the suppressing
fire one one thousand two one thousand
three one thousand four one thousand
five one thousand pulls hard on the
stick pulls back up into the cloud comes
down around again one one thousand two
one thousand three one thousand four one
thousand good hits good hits it says
over his radio and again he comes around
one one thousand two one thousand three
one thousand four one thousand five one
thousand he runs out of ammunition fuel
is fine flies back up to the top of the
cloud tells his wingman you need to get
down there his wingman isn’t sure about
the conditions so the two of them fly
back down together his wingman lays down
the suppressing fire and johnny bravo
counts as they fly three feet apart from
each other wing to wing one one thousand
two one thousand three one thousand four
one thousand five one thousand up and
around again one one thousand two one
thousand three one thousand four one
thousand five one thousand that night
twenty two Americans went home alive
with zero casualties my question is is
where do people like Johnny Bravo come
from who are they who would risk their
lives for others so that made they may
survive I asked Johnny Bravo I asked him
why why would you do it why would you
risk your life so that others may
survive and he gave me the same answer
that everybody in his position gives
because they would have done it for me
now if you think about it in the
military they give medals to people who
are willing to sacrifice themselves so
that others may gain in business we give
bonuses to people who are willing to
sacrifice others so that we may gain we
have it backwards wouldn’t you like to
work in an organization in which you
have the absolute confidence the
absolute knowledge that other people
that you may or may not know who work in
the same organization as you would be
willing to sacrifice themselves so that
you may survive and in and we’re not
talking about giving your life I mean we
don’t even like to give up credit you
so where do people like Johnny Bravo
come from well it’s an age-old question
they’re not born they’re actually made
if you look at the human animal the
human animal is like a machine
there are systems inside our bodies that
are trying to get us to do things that
are in the interests of the survival of
the human animal right just like in an
industry in a business and a company if
you want people to do something you
offer them some sort of positive or
negative incentive to direct the
behavior right so if you want people to
achieve a certain goal you offer them a
bonus if they achieve that goal and
they’ll work towards that goal because
they want the bonus it’s a very simple
system the human body works exactly the
same way it works exactly the same way
inside our bodies are chemicals that are
trying to get us to do things that are
in the best interest of us if you’ve
ever had a feeling of happiness pride
joy love fulfillment all of these
feelings that we have are chemically
produced feelings and they’re produced
by four chemicals predominantly these
are the basically responsible for all of
the feelings that I would generically
call happiness they are endorphins
dopamine serotonin and oxytocin ed so
these two chemicals endorphins and
dopamine I like to call these the
selfish chemicals but you don’t really
need anybody’s help to get them right
let me tell you let me tell you a little
bit about what they are endorphins
endorphins are designed to do one thing
and one thing only masks physical pain
that’s it that’s what they do if you if
you’re a runner if you’ve ever gone and
done a heavy exercise you’ve heard of an
endorphin rush or a runner’s high
basically what’s happening is when that
runners out there pushing their bodies
harder than they’ve ever pushed before
they feel good and when they’re done
with their run they feel fantastic and
then an hour later they’re in pain for
damage they cause their muscles an hour
before right this is what endorphins are
designed to do they’re designed to mask
physical pain the caveman reason for
this stuff because this stuff is all
from 50,000 years ago
understand homo sapien existed at the
same time as other hominid species and
yet we survived and they didn’t what
about this species that’s so good at
survival and thriving look at the world
we’ve built it’s not just that we’re
smart we’re certainly not the strongest
and we’re certainly not the smartest
it’s that so we’re social animals we
have to do things together together we
have to look after each other and we
have to work together to ensure that we
survive that we do well this is how
we’re designed right these chemicals are
trying to make that happen
so in these caveman times 50,000 years
ago Paleolithic era we had to eat we’re
not the strongest we’re not the fastest
but there’s one thing that the human
animal has made for endurance we could
track an animal for hours and hours and
hours and miles and miles and miles and
if we were tired we’d keep going and if
we got injured or we had to bring the
food back to the cave we’d continue to
do it and it was so good it felt so good
that maybe we’d even volunteer to go
hunting the next day just like we get
addicted to exercise right oh my god it
was so much fun yesterday I will totally
go hunting tomorrow right good system
for the survival of the group good
system by the way the reason laughing
feels good is because of endorphins
you’re actually convulsing your internal
organs and endorphins are masking the
physical pain I’m sure everybody here
has laughed so much that the endorphins
eventually run out you go stop stop
it hurts endorphins they feel good
dopamine dopamine is the feeling that
you found something you’re looking for
or do you accomplish something you set
out to accomplish so you know that
feeling you get when you cross something
off your to-do list
that’s dopamine feels awesome you know
when you when you have a goal to hit and
you achieve that goal you’re like yes
you feel like you’ve won something right
that’s dopamine the whole purpose of
dopamine is to make sure that we get
stuff done right the historical reason
for dopamine we would never eat if we
only waited to get until we got hungry
because there’s no guarantee that we
would find food so dopamine exists to
help us go looking for food we get
dopamine when we eat which is one of the
reasons we like eating and so when you
see something that reminds you of
something that feels good we want to do
the behavior that helps us get that
feeling right so let’s say you’re out
there going for a walk and you see an
apple tree in the distance
he’s get a small head of dopamine and
then what it does is it focuses us on
our goals and now we start walking
towards the apple tree and as the apple
tree starts to get a little bigger we
feel like we’re making progress
you get another little shot of dopamine
and another little shadow dopamine until
you get to the Train you’re like yes
okay this is why we’re told you must
write down your goals your goals must be
tangible there’s a there’s a biological
reason for that we were very very
visually oriented animals you have to be
able to see the goal for it to
biologically stay focused right if you
don’t write down your goals if you can’t
see your goals it’s very hard to get
motivated to get inspired for example
think about corporate visions right a
corporate vision does have to be
something we can see right that’s why
it’s called a vision you can see it
right to be the biggest most respected
to be the fastest-growing are not
visions they’re nothing right what does
that even look like respected by whom
your mother yourself your friends your
shareholders who knows what’s the metric
dunno it’s Amorphis doesn’t motivate us
just like I can’t tell you you will get
a bonus if you achieve more you’re gonna
ask me how much more I’m gonna say more
doesn’t work you need a tangible goal
you need a tangible goal right here’s a
great vision Martin Luther King I have a
dream that one day little black children
the little white children will play on
the playground together and hold hands
together we can imagine that we can set
our sights on that and every time we
achieve a goal and achieve a metric and
achieve a milestone that makes us feel
like we’re making progress to the
division we can see we keep going and
going and going until we achieve
something remarkable you have to be able
to see it dopamine
like I said dopamine is the feeling you
get when you set out to find something
you’re looking for as well talked about
the to-do list I came home from a trip
just a couple days ago and I had a bunch
of errands to run and I wrote down a
little list of things I had to do and
off I went right and as I was walking
past I think was a drag queen I remember
I was walking past something I
remembered oh I have to do that and I
hadn’t written it
my hadn’t written down my to-do list so
I went in and finished what I needed to
do and then when I came out I then wrote
it on my to-do list and then crossed it
out because I wanted the dopamine feels
dopamine comes with a warning dopamine
is highly highly highly addictive here
are some other things that release
dopamine alcohol nicotine gambling your
cell phone
oh you think I’m joking okay we’ve all
been told that you know if you wake up
in the morning and you crave a drink you
might be an alcoholic well if you wake
up in the morning the first thing you do
is check your phone before you even get
out of bed might be an addict
if you walk from room to room in your
own apartment holding your telephone you
might be an addict when you’re driving
in your car and you get a text and your
phone goes beep we we hate email true we
love the beep the buzz the ding aw
right you’ll be there in 10 minutes and
yet you have to look at it right now you
might be an addict and even if you read
it and it says are you free for dinner
next Thursday and you have to reply
immediately you can’t wait to ten
minutes you might be an addict and for
all you Gen Y is out there who like to
think that you’re better at multitasking
beause you grew up with the technology
then why do you keep crashing your cars
when you’re texting you’re not you’re
not better at multitasking you’re better
at getting distracted in fact if you
look at the statistics ad D and ADHD
have diagnosis of AD D and ADHD have
risen 66% in the past ten years okay ad
D and ADHD is a frontal lobe disorder
right are you telling me out of nowhere
66% of our youth has the frontal lobe
problem where did that come from no it’s
a misdiagnosis right what what are the
what are the symptoms of a dopamine
addiction to technology distractibility
inability to get things done easily
easily distracted you know shortness of
attention it’s all the same things so we
misdiagnosed things it’s this it’s the
addictive quality of dopamine we can
also get addicted to performance in our
companies when all they do is give us
numbers to hit numbers to hit numbers to
hit and a bonus you get and a bonus you
get and a bonus you get all they’re
doing is feeding us with dopamine and we
can’t help ourselves all we do is want
more more MORE it’s no surprise that the
bank’s destroyed the economy because one
of the things we know about dopamine
addict is they will do anything to get
another hit sometimes at the sacrifice
of their own resources and their
relationships ask any alcoholic gambling
addict or a drug addict
ask them how their relationships are
doing and if they’ve squandered any of
their resources it’s an addiction
dopamine is dangerous if it is
unbalanced it is hugely helpful when in
a comfortable and balanced system but
when unbalanced it’s dangerous and it’s
destructive you don’t need anybody’s
help to get these go for a run achieve
your goals you’ll get dopamine you’ll
get endorphins but you won’t have any
feeling of fulfillment or love or trust
that’s where these come in these are
attempting to manage these this is what
makes our society great this is where
people like Johnny Bravo come from it’s
because of these two
chemicals that leaders really fulfill
their great responsibilities outside in
the world is danger at all times for
various reasons in caveman times that
danger may have been you know a
saber-toothed tiger it may have been the
weather it may have been a lack of
resources it may have been who knows any
number of things things that with no
conscience
are trying to kill you they want to end
your life and so how do we survive we
work together and together we come
together in our groups and our companies
and our tribes to feel like we belong to
be around people who believe what we
believe so that we may feel safe when
we’re surrounded by people who have our
best interests in mind and we feel safe
we will organize ourselves and cooperate
to face the dangers externally
don’t forget the outside dangers are a
constant in a modern world the outside
dangers may be your competition that’s
trying to put you out of business or at
least steal your business it might be
the ebbs and flows of the economy it
might be terrorism all of these unknowns
all trying to put you out of business
take away your job take away your
livelihood end it for you nothing
personal it’s a constant inside our
organizations the dangers we face are
not a constant they are a variable and
they are the decisions of leadership as
to how safe they make us feel when we go
to work this is the job of leaders ASA
said it better than I can there’s an
Aesop fable about four oxen that stand
tailed to tail and whenever the lion
tries to eat them no matter what angle
from which he attacks he will always be
met with horns
however due to infighting and
disagreements they separate and they go
and graze in different parts of the
field and one by one the lion picks them
off and kills them all when we stand
together we can more easily face the
dangers outside when we break up inside
our companies if our leaders don’t allow
us a space to feel safe inside our own
companies to feel like we belong then we
have to we’re forced to exert our own
energy to protect ourselves from each
other and by the way expose ourselves to
greater danger
the outside if you have to worry about
politics if you have to worry about
someone stealing your credit if you have
to worry about your bus not having your
back think about the energy you invest
not in your business not in the products
you’re trying to develop not in your
work not in how great you’re producing
not in your creativity but in just
keeping yourself feeling safe this is
destructive the responsibility of
leadership is two things one to
determine who gets in and who doesn’t
get in this is what it means to start
with why what are our values what are
our beliefs who can we allow in second
thing is to decide how big this is how
big do we make the circle of safety how
big do we make the circle of belonging
do we keep it around just our c-level
executives and call it an inner circle
and allow others to try and fend for
themselves and maybe try and get into
our inner circle or do we extend it to
the outermost edges of the organization
great leaders extend the circle of
safety the circle of belonging out to
the outermost edges so the most junior
person feels like they belong feels safe
feels like they have top cover from
somebody like Johnny Bravo
that’s what these other two chemicals
are trying to do serotonin is the
leadership chemical is the responsible
for feelings of pride and status when
you this is why public recognition is
very important we are social animals and
we need the recognition of others this
is why we have the Oscars and this is
why we have public awards events this is
why we have commencement for graduation
I mean think about it what does it
really take to get to graduate college
you need to pay your bills fulfill the
minimum requirements and and collect
enough credits that’s it
right it’s a formula you could get an
email that says congratulations you
fulfilled all the requirements for
graduation and closed please print out
the PDF of your diploma PS magna
laude right wouldn’t feel so good right
so instead we have a big ceremony to
recognize the accomplishment and in the
audience we put our family and our
friends and our teachers all of those in
our tribe who’ve supported us and
watched our backs as we’ve made it
through
and then we show up on that day and we
go up on that stage and we take our
diploma it feels great
we feel our status rise we feel our
pride go up and by the way when you have
serotonin in your veins your confidence
goes up also and here’s the best part
about serotonin at the exact moment that
you took your diploma and you felt that
surge of serotonin go through your body
at the exact moment you’re parents
sitting in the audience also got a surge
of serotonin and also felt an intense
pride watching you graduate and this is
what serotonin is trying to do it is
trying to reinforce the relationship
between parent and child boss and
employee
coach and player the caregiver and the
one who is Greta is grateful for the
support they are given and think about
it Linda the speeches that we give if
you give an award to somebody what do
they say I couldn’t have done it I thank
God I thank my parents I thank my coach
we thank the person who we believed was
looking out for us we could not have
done this without them we say and they
look at us and they say so proud of you
and we work to make them proud great
teams don’t want to win the trophy great
teams want to win one for the coach they
want to make the coach proud we want to
make our parents proud and it raises our
status and it raises our confidence and
it feels good and we internal will look
after others so that they may accomplish
the same this is what serotonin is
trying desperately to do the problem is
you can trick serotonin we live in a
materialist society so we judge status
very often in our country based on how
much money you make right so any
conspicuous display of wealth raises
your status this is why they put the
logos on the outside no good on the
inside nobody can see them we want the
red line of our our pirata glasses how
good you you own a pair of designer
shoes how good does it feel to put on
your Gucci shoes oh my god it feels so
good you walk out and you feel a million
bucks you can actually feel your
confidence rise when you put on you put
on the stuff right because it’s showing
this display of status it feels great
the problem is there was no real
relationship that was reinforced because
of it you tricked the system that’s why
we keep trying
to accomplish things and accumulate more
and more material goods and yet we never
feel successful because there was no
relationship we tricked it we gained it
serotonin is the leadership chemical the
reason I call it the leadership chemical
is a historical reason a very simple
historical reason we had a very
practical problem as our animal was
developing as the Homo Sapien was
developing we lived in communities of
about a hundred and a hundred and fifty
people and is very practical issue which
is if we’re hungry and somebody brings
back food and drop a carcass on the
floor we’re all gonna rush in to eat and
if you’re lucky enough to be built like
a linebacker
you will elbow your way to the front and
you get the elbow in the face not a good
system to keep the whole tribe alive and
definitely not a good system for
cooperation because remember the value
of group living means that if I trust
you and you trust me I can fall asleep
at night and trust that you will alert
me to danger if I don’t trust you I
can’t go to sleep at night it’s the same
in our companies if we trust each other
we will turn our backs we will take
risks we will innovate we will do things
that will change the course of our world
if I don’t trust you I can’t do that I
can’t do that there’s value in group
living and group working and so if you
got an elbow in the face that afternoon
odds are very high that you’re not gonna
wake the guy who punched you if dangers
there you’re just not gonna do it
bad system and so we evolved into
hierarchical animals we’re constantly
assessing and judging each other
constantly arranging ourselves who’s the
Alpha who’s the dominant who’s the one
who sort of is the is that is the more
dominant personality or dominant talent
in the room in cavemen times it might
have been physical muscle in the
creative industry it might be talent in
you know the military might be courage
there’s no standard by which we judge
alphas it’s relative to the industries
were in and it’s relative to us as well
if you’ve ever met someone and you were
nervous while you were meeting them
you’re not the alpha we’ve all had the
experience where we’re meeting somebody
and we can sense that they’re nervous
meeting us you’re the alpha
I’ll tell you a little aside that’s kind
of funny you know when women all live
together their menstrual cycles align
right as assuming they’re not on the
pill then it doesn’t work right but if
they’re not on the pill that all the
menstrual cycles go together on the same
schedule it’s not arbitrary they always
align with the alpha females schedule
and the reason is is because when a
woman is in her menstrual cycle she
can’t bear children and so in
evolutionary terms you want the alpha
male the alpha female to to do it so you
can have alpha children right nice
strong strapping kids are gonna survive
but if she’s off the market that
produces competition so mother nature
has in created a very clever way that
when she’s off the market everyone’s off
the market back to the talk so we’re
constantly judging and assessing each
other who’s alpha right and what we do
is when we assess that someone else is
the Alpha we voluntarily take a step
back and allow them to eat first alphas
get first choice of meat and first
choice of mate good system good system
the Alpha gets deep first the rest of us
may not get the best cut of meat but we
will get to eat eventually and we won’t
get an elbow in the face good system
will happily alert them to danger later
good system this is why we’re constantly
trying to raise our status is because
there are benefits to being the Alpha
people will do things for us and step
back and offer us favors right we were
and we to this day we’re perfectly
comfortable giving special treatment to
our alphas no one has a problem that
your boss makes more money than you you
might think he’s an ass but you don’t
have a problem that he makes more money
nobody has a problem that somebody
outranked who outranks us at work has a
bigger office than us doesn’t offend us
it is deeply ingrained in us we happily
step aside and allow our alphas first
choice of meat and first choice of mate
it’s good to be the king there are
advantages that come with being the
Alpha you get special treatment you get
to eat first
people show you love and respect it
boosts the serotonin you walk around
like this it boosts your confidence it’s
awesome but comes at a cost
you see the group is not stupid
we’re not giving all of that stuff away
for free
leadership alpha comes at a cost
you see we expect that when danger
threatens us from the outside that the
person who’s actually stronger the
person who’s better fed and the person
who is actually teeming with serotonin
and actually as higher confidence of the
rest of us we expect them to run towards
the danger to protect us this is what it
means to be a leader the cost of
leadership is self-interest if you’re
not willing to give up your perks when
it matters then you probably shouldn’t
get promoted you might be an authority
but you will not be a leader leadership
comes at a cost you don’t get to do less
work when you get more senior you have
to do more work and the more work you
have to do is put yourself at risk to
look after others that is the
anthropological definition of what a
leader is this is why we’re so offended
by these banker boys who pay themselves
astronomical salaries it has nothing to
do with the number it has to do with the
fact that they have violated a
deep-seated social contract we know that
they made all of that money and allowed
their people to be sacrificed in fact
they may have sacrificed their people
for the money if I told you we’re gonna
give a hundred and fifty million dollars
to Nelson Mandela would anyone have a
problem with that nope
two hundred and fifty million dollars to
mother Teresa I’ve got an issue with it
no it’s not the number it’s not the
amount of money they make it’s that we
are deeply and viscerally offended that
we know that we allowed them to have
this alpha position and they did not
fulfill their responsibility of the
Alpha they’re supposed to sacrifice
themselves for us never sacrifice us for
themselves this is why we’re angry and
oh there’s more oxytocin this is the
best chemical of all oxytocin is the
feeling of love and trust and friendship
it’s all the warm and fuzzies it’s all
the unicorns and rainbows it’s the
reason we like to spend time with our
friends even if we don’t do anything
with them we just simply watch TV we
love their company I promise you nearly
every single person sitting in this room
today
chose the person they’re sitting next to
you’re not sitting next to a stranger
you’re sitting next to somebody you met
came with or or kind of know a little
bit why because it makes you feel safer
doesn’t it if you got up and went and
sat next to strangers wouldn’t feel so
good that’s the feeling of oxytocin
oxytocin is that intense feeling of
safety that someone’s got your back
there are multiple ways you can get
oxytocin one way to get it is physical
contact
hugging feels wonderful right this when
women give birth to children huge surge
of oxytocin in their body this is what’s
responsible for the mother parent that
the mother-child bond right it’s all
that oxytocin in the system this is why
shaking hands matters
imagine you’re doing a deal with someone
and you’re ready to sign the contract
and you say I’m so excited to do
business with you
and they go I don’t need to shake let’s
sign the contract I’m also excited to do
business with you you go great well
let’s shake on it then they go no no no
I agree to all the terms let’s get this
deal done I can’t wait to work with you
there you might get everything you want
in the contract but business
relationships are not rational
they’re about feeling safe they’re about
feeling we belong it’s human and one of
the ways we want to know that that
relationship is solidified is with
physical touch they’re simple refusal to
touch you to exchange that oxytocin
means one of two things will happen
you will either completely scuttle the
deal or you will go into it nervous
human bonds matter another way you can
get oxytocin is through acts of human
generosity an act of human generosity is
defined as giving of your time and
energy an ex
affecting nothing in return money
doesn’t work sorry if I told you that
this morning I gave $1,000 to charity
what would you think of me you’d be like
good for you
what do you want a medal but if I told
you that last Saturday I gave up my day
and I went and painted schools in the
inner city then what would you think
you’d be like nice cool I should do more
right the the value of my labor much
less than a thousand dollars could have
hired many more people for a thousand
dollars to go paint schools in the inner
city but you see as human beings we put
a premium on time because it is an equal
commodity and it is a non redeemable
commodity you spend money you make money
you spend time you’ll never get it back
some of you are sitting in this room
right now saying I will never get this
time back I got nothing for you so we
put a premium on people who give us
their time and energy a leader who says
to you I’ll pay for something for you is
not a leader a leader comes and sits
down next to you and says how can I help
you is a leader I was talking to some
oil executives and they were trying to
convince me that they really care about
how fulfilled and how happy their
employees are at work to which I said no
you don’t and they said no we do and I
said no you don’t and they said yeah we
do you see how this win and I said I bet
you hired some high-priced consultancy
to come and do a web survey about
whether people like their jobs or not
and they said well we didn’t hire a
consultancy I said okay so it’s kind of
like sending your son an email all right
dear son your mother and I care that you
feel like a valuable part of this family
please tell us candidly what we can do
better so that you feel like you belong
here because we really love you love dad
or you go into his room you sit on his
bed and you say hey son your mom and I
really care that you feel like a
valuable member of this family
please tell us candidly what we can do
better because we want you to feel like
you belong and we really love you same
words same intention
same desire the difference is one you
gave time and energy and the other one
you didn’t this is the problem with
email it’s too easy it’s too easy
there’s no time and energy expended
it’s too easy don’t feel anything if I
come to your house for dinner you make
me a lovely dinner the next day I send
you a very nice thank-you email what a
wonderful host you are or three days
later you receive a handwritten note
from me with the exact same words that
were written in the email which one
makes you feel better and written note
the sentiment was the same the words
were the same the differences one took a
little more time and a little more
energy leaders are the ones who give us
their time and give us their energy not
the ones who give us their money it
doesn’t count doesn’t work just
biologically doesn’t work this is how
you get oxytocin doing nice things for
people that require that you sacrifice a
little bit of time a little bit of
energy something you will never get back
and if you expect something in return
that you weren’t really giving in the
first place you take someone out for
dinner because you want them to hire you
you’re not really taking them out for
dinner you want something in return it’s
just a protracted transaction it’s not
relationship building it’s nonsense I
was walking down the streets of New York
true story and guy in front of me his
backpack opened a bunch of paper filled
spilled out on the on the street didn’t
think much of it I bent down carried the
papers up handed them back to him and
pointed out that his bag it opened I did
a small act of generosity for somebody I
got a small burst of oxytocin I felt
good also the person on the receiving
end of the act of generosity feels good
they get a shot of oxytocin he felt good
he says thanks I get to the end of the
block and I’m standing waiting to cross
the street and a guy who’s also happens
to be standing waiting to cross the
street turns around true story turns
around and says to me I saw what you did
as it turns out witnessing acts of human
generosity release oxytocin remember our
bodies are trying to get us to repeat
behaviors that are in our best interest
and it’s making us feel good when we see
or do acts of human generosity so that
we will do them in fact the more
oxytocin you have in your body the more
generous you actually become you know is
the more you do the more you want to do
it gets better than that lots of
oxytocin in your body inhibits addiction
it makes it very difficult to get
addicted to something when you have lots
of oxytocin your body actually hits
addiction it boosts your immune system
it makes you healthier
that’s why happy people live longer it’s
why couples live longer
oxytocin it actually is good for us it
increases our ability to solve problems
it increases our creativity it’s really
good for us and it’s not addictive it
just feels great it takes time to build
up though you know if I went on a date
with a girl the other day there’s a
first date we totally got along great
we’re gonna get married
why you laughing that’s my social life
the reason you laugh is because you
inherently know that I cannot form a
bond of trust strong enough to get
married in seven days you know that why
don’t you go on a couple more days but
inherently you know that right but if I
told you that I’ve been dating somebody
for seven years and we’re not married
yet what do you say what’s wrong in
other words we know that that bond of
trust takes more than seven days in less
than seven years don’t know how long it
takes them so when you start a new job
and you’re really excited to work there
and they’re really excited to have you
don’t quite feel like you belong you
don’t quite feel like you’re trusted yet
right even though you were really
excited in their lease it takes time and
you have to do little acts of generosity
and make little sacrifices do little
things for people not big risk small
risks it’s like dating you know you
don’t start by buying them a diamond you
start by taking them for lunch buying
them a drink you know little bits then
they take you out or they you take them
out again you do something a little
bigger than you do that in a movie then
they come over and then you buy them
flowers and then you say I love you and
one day you wake up in the morning it’s
like you press this belief button you
just I I’m in love I don’t know when it
happened
you just clicks and you feel like you
belong same thing at work same thing at
work it just clicks and you feel like
you belong because you got enough
oxytocin built up in your system
we don’t allow this to happen we’re too
busy sending emails we’re too busy
sending emails the next time you want to
tell somebody something email is
fantastic for the exchange of
information right it’s fantastic here’s
the report you wanted the meetings at
four o’clock fantastic what did you
think of my idea do not reply on an
email that’s an emotional question email
as a rational tool you get up from your
desk you walk the 30 feet and you say
wanted to tell you what I thought of
your idea and I promise you not only
will that information be better received
but you will start to create
relationship because oxytocin starts to
get released if you can’t get up and
walk 30 feet pick up the telephone I’ve
done it it’s an amazing thing you pick
up the phone you go hey they’re like hey
what’s the matter they’re like no I’m
wanted to tell you what I thought what
and people who tell me but I need a
paper trail have the conversation hang
up and say just to confirm what we
talked about boom there’s your paper
trail the reason we get so many emails
is because we reply to them all and
twelve emails are sent and then somebody
misunderstands something and somebody
gets angry and then you have to pick up
the phone and deal with it anyway – at
the beginning quicker easier better
biology give your time and give your
energy and this is why leadership is
really difficult because you can’t give
it to everyone because you don’t have
enough to give to everyone you just
can’t you have to make sure that you can
trust others to trust others to trust
others to trust others and this is what
happens in this circle of belonging in
the circle of safety this is what
effective bureaucracy is which is as the
CEO as the leader or whatever your job
is you have one responsibility and one
responsibility only which is to make
sure the people you know that you have
physical contact with you know their
names
our confident feel looked after and
encourage them to do the same for the
ones who work beneath them hoo hoo boo
neat work beneath them who work beneath
them and when this group of people
really feel safe then they will invite
in the customer to also feel safe they
will talk to these people as if they are
human I actually flew in an airline
recently and I it was I was appalled at
how I was treated it was disgusting I
was like cattle right and I said
something I said why do you treat people
like cattle and she literally said to me
I’m sorry sir I have to do it or I’ll
lose my job
what did she tell me my organization
that I work for doesn’t make me feel
safe I don’t feel like a white book like
I belong so I’m gonna treat you like
dirt to protect myself as opposed to
somebody who feels safest says sir I
will do everything in my power to make
sure that you feel happy and good
because I’m not worried
that’s called a highly effective
organization there’s one more chemical I
haven’t told you about
Big C cortisol cortisol is the feeling
of stress and the feeling of anxiety we
share these chemicals with all the
social mammals and so when you see a
herd of gizelle you vol seen the
documentary on discovery or whatever
right and see a herd of gazelle grazing
and one of them thinks they hear a
rustle in the grass and they go hey
right
that’s what cortisol does cortisol is
designed to keep us alive it is the
first stage of fight-or-flight
it makes us paranoid it makes all of our
senses hyper attuned to look for danger
it injects glucose into our muscles to
make a stiff and ready to go in case we
need to fight or flight it increases our
heart rate like crazy right and it makes
us start looking it makes us paranoid to
find the danger and the cool thing about
cortisol when you work in a social
environment is if other people sense
that you’re nervous they get nervous so
all the other gazelle go they didn’t
hear anything they just saw Steve over
there it really freaked out and so they
got all freaked out and now they all
start looking for the danger good system
and one of them who didn’t even hear the
initial rustle in the grass sees the
lion runs they all run they all live
another day good system so that when we
go to work and somebody says I think
there’s gonna be layoffs all of us are
like what do you mean wait it’s gonna be
we’re all paranoid now we’re all free I
shouldn’t have talked in that meeting ah
we start to get crazy we start to get
paranoid our hearts start to race
so what cortisol does it’s trying to
keep us alive you wake up in the middle
of the night you hear a bump in the
middle of the night what’s the first
thing you do you wake the person next to
you and then what do they do they go
and if there’s nothing there you go and
trust your eyes right you go looking for
it we’re visual animals right if there’s
nothing there you go like this cortisol
leaves our body and we relax and our
heart rate goes back down cortisol to
get all of that extra energy to make us
paranoid to make itself interested it
needs to shut down non-essential systems
because it has to get it from somewhere
right so it shuts off things like growth
you don’t need your fingernails to grow
at that moment shuts it off the other
thing it shuts off is our immune system
don’t need it in that moment the problem
is you’re not supposed to have cortisol
in your system all the time you’re
supposed to have it in and then gone and
when we go to work in a place that
doesn’t make us feel like we belong that
doesn’t make us feel safe when we’re at
work guess what we got little bits of
cortisol dripping in our body drip drip
drip drip makes his paranoid drip I know
my boss hates me I know he hates me I
hate he hates all my ideas I know it
drip drip it makes it self-interested
one of the things cortisol does it
inhibits the release of oxytocin
biologically if you work in a
high-stress environment where you don’t
feel safe you were biologically less
empathetic and less generous we don’t
care about each other because we’re too
busy trying to protect ourselves drip
drip drip our immune systems are now
compromised drip drip drip we live in
the country with some of the best
medical education in the world some of
the best medical systems in the world
some of the best doctors in the world
some of the best hospitals in the world
some the best medicines in the world
please explain to me why diabetes is on
the rise heart diseases on their eyes
some cancers are on the rise it ain’t
hot partially hydrogenated oils our jobs
are killing us and the people who
responsible are the leaders and we also
know that parents who come home stressed
out their kids learn that this is what
work is that work is something that
makes you short-tempered and and and
unhappy and so they expect it as they
grow older worse we know that parents
who come home upset and angry it has
such a negative impact on their children
that there’s some studies that show that
they might
become bullies because of their unhappy
parents who hate their jobs and have
excessive amounts of stress our
companies are literally killing us so
what are you gonna do about it we’re
gonna do about it
leadership is not a rank leadership is
not a position leadership is a decision
leadership is a choice it has nothing to
do with your position in the
organization if you decide to look after
the person to the left of you and look
after the person to the right of you you
have become a leader you’ve seen the
movie 300 right the Spartans the
greatest fighting force of all time you
want to know one of the things that made
the Spartans great wasn’t their muscles
wasn’t their spears it was their shields
they stood shield to shield and the
Phalanx was stronger because they all
those shields were big and they were
told when they were young children you
either bring your shield home or you
come home on your shield the punishment
for for losing your shield was
tremendous in battle because if you lost
your shield that means you cannot
protect the person to the left of you
and the person to the right of you and
you have destroyed the Phalanx it’s the
shield that matters not the spear not
the spear it’s your willingness to
sacrifice yourself not your life maybe
your credit maybe your a little time
maybe a little energy maybe your time
you know maybe getting up from your desk
and talking to somebody for 30 minutes
and said of sending a three-minute email
it’s your willingness to sacrifice for
someone to hold that shield up so that
they feel safe that makes you a leader
and you want to know how you beat a
dopamine addiction if you worried that
you’re addicted to performance and all
this dopamine things Alcoholics
Anonymous has been highly effective for
decades 80 something years we all know
the first step of the 12 steps we joke
about it right admit you have a problem
did you know the twelfth step don’t say
I’ll tell you what the twelfth step is
Alcoholics Anonymous knows that if you
master all eleven steps but not the
twelfth you will drink again if you
master the twelfth step you will beat
the disease
what’s the twelfth step the twelfth step
is the commitment to help another
alcoholic service service to another
oxytocin wins Sara Tosun went serotonin
wins the more we look after each other
the safer we feel the more we feel like
we belong and the more we will work
together to confront the dangers outside
do this for others and others will become Johnny Bravo thanks very much
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